jnj express Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 The deal is this---you have been in fantasyland, and enjoying your little extra curricular fling Yes no one here knows what went on in the prior 25 yrs., of your life, cuz you haven't spoken of those 25 yrs------your mge, may be in the crapper, you may have lived for 25 yrs of misery, your wife, may be a cheater----none of us know any of these things, cuz we can only respond to what you write down here But no matter what, and if you don't like this don't read it----before you went off and hand your sexcapade---you should have gotten a D., and nobody including you would have cared one bit. You arn't gonna like this either---but you do need to be a man, and take responsibility, if you are gonna have unprotected sex, then you have to face up to the possible consequences What you need to understand is we are not coming after you as a person, you may be a really nice person, it is what you did----what you did to your wife, and especially what you did to your children I will tell you this, you need to check the paternity laws, in your state, cuz once this kid is born, you are the father, unless you prove differently prior to birthing------ Once again--as others have said---read what you want, don't read what you don't like---you should stay tho---cuz of all the differing opinions, you will get---some will be helpful, and give you information, and support you may need!!! Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 this post isnt about why i cheated.. you and nobody else here knows about the past 25 or so years.. I havent bashed my wife in the least bit. nor will i just to justify my actions. I know she will hurt and if there was some way possible for her not to get hurt i would do it. But I cant Oh, FGS, the 'why oh why would you do this' wasn't meant as 'please list the reasons you felt the need to cheat', it was why would you bring this poopstorm down on your world. My post was meant to give you some understanding of some of the comments you were going to get, to give you the perspective to overlook the ones not pertaining to your situation in order to get to the ones that would be helpful to you. This is a forum full of real people with real feelings and real hurts that can post on any thread they like. If you choose to get offended and defensive, more power to you. Lots of luck with the giant stinking mess you've made. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Something stinks here. How can a woman be entering her 3rd trimester and not know she is pregnant. While I admit you went to the doctor with her and saw that she is, but you can't possibly be pregnant for 6 months and not know. No way. That said you are screwed HardPlace2b. You got an unstable woman pregnant, (no one ever hear of condoms?) And you have driven a big-assed bus over your wife and 2 kids. 1) Fess up to your wife before she finds out from someone else. 2) Get ready to pack your bags. 3) Start financial planning to support your new child for the next 20 years. Glad I am not you. To be fair. I do personally know someone that didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labour. As well, after my first one, I keep feeling flutters down in my abdomen that I've never had before. I've been cleared health wise but every now and then I've been like "oh hey, am I pregnant again?" nope, negative. Just some stuff got rearranged during the pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 If you go somewhere else you will get pretty much the same reaction. Listen to what helps you thats why you came.I know you are scared and need advice and to vent. Don't worry about the judgment usually it starts out that way but you also will get help. Their is so many hurt people here read some of the story's. You are not the only one that has gotten the OW pregnant either.I wanted info to get a bigger picture of what to say.Sorry if you are offended. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Try to tell your wife under circumstances where she has some support (family, a close friend, a counsellor if other support is not available) to her. One can never be sure how someone will react to such life-changing news and best to be careful and make sure she is safe. I really hope the OW does not get to your W first, as the way you describe her, she could do a lot of harm. Good luck with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Hopefully OP didn't leave the thread... Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 OP, not to add more to your worries, but I would highly recommend that both you and your wife get tested for STDs...as there is a chance your other woman was sleeping with other men while having unprotected sex with you... one more piece of advice...if your wife decides to reconcile with you, she is going to need 100% of your support. That means that there will be no room in your life for your ex other woman. Pregnant or not. That may sound unfair to her, and it probably is, but it's the reality. If the baby is yours, make them and your other kids your top priority...they asked for none of this, and it will be a hard go for them. If you really and truly believe that this ex of yours is unstable, then I would worry about what kind of parent she will be, and I'd make damned sure that I was there for my child as much as possible to provide the support he/she may not get from mom. It may sound like a real stretch, but your wife may , after she's had some time to deal with all of this, be able to help you with that. Just don't let your ex start harassing her or making her life bad...while you are respinsible for the feects of the affair on your marriage, your ex other woman is responsible for her actions , and she needs to grow up and do what is best for the baby, part of which will be trying to find some way to make it work between the three of you should your wife decide to reconcile. Although it may be unorthodox, if the three of your can put your hurt feelings aside for the sake of the baby, you may just end up being able to give him/her a good life with two loving families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Ideal scenario: You tell your wife and she forgives you. You then pay child support and get your share of visitation with the new child. Your wife supports you and takes on a "step mom" or "auntie" type role to the baby. Probable scenario: Your wife throws you the eff out. You pay BOTH women child support and juggle two families worth of visitation. You also live in near poverty while paying approximately 60% of your check each week. The light you see at the end of this tunnel is the freight train bearing down on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardPlace2b Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 Ideal scenario: You tell your wife and she forgives you. You then pay child support and get your share of visitation with the new child. Your wife supports you and takes on a "step mom" or "auntie" type role to the baby. Probable scenario: Your wife throws you the eff out. You pay BOTH women child support and juggle two families worth of visitation. You also live in near poverty while paying approximately 60% of your check each week. The light you see at the end of this tunnel is the freight train bearing down on you. how i wish the train would run me over Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 how i wish the train would run me over What are you going to do? If you want help trying to reconcile with your wife after you disclose, you can get help here. You'll otherwise have to ignore the bashings that come with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HardPlace2b Posted August 2, 2012 Author Share Posted August 2, 2012 i really dont know how she will take it , she is going to be crushed beyond belief , i did however frgive her for her past cheating , but that was many years ago.. i wouldnt dare bring it up to her , this is far worse Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 well she doesnt want my wife to find out , then she knows she will and the baby will be at the mercy of my wife , if my wife says dont ever even go to see the baby , i will have to do as she states.. the OW doesnt want this to happen. WTF! Lets get something straight. Your wife is just p*ssy. That's it. P*ssy with a title. That title can be removed/replaced/refunded. Your child is your child. It can never be altered. I can't believe you even said that. If your wife can't cope with the fact you have a outside child, fine. That does not mean you abandon your child to appease her. You're the one that's crazy not your OW for saying something like that... to even think it and let it leave your mouth. You better get it together. You cheated and now you are in deep sh*t. My motto in life... If no one is sick or dead... everything is going to be just fine. Brush that sh*t off and be grateful you got your health and strength. Tell your wife this weekend, just do it. Have sit down saturday and get it all out. Your OW is full of it when she says she doesn't want you to tell. What she wants you to do is create another deception. She wants you to dig yourself another hole not a deeper one, another one. Tell your wife. Do it before the child is born. Be ready to lose it all including your life. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Gagirl Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Please!! How many times do married men who screw around say she's crazy and unstable. I don't believe that for one second. Married men go out find someone to pump and dump then start the "she's crazy rumors" when he feels threatened that she may tell your dirty little secrets. Be a man and take accountability for your actions and quit throwing others under the bus. If you actually love your wife, you wouldn't have slept with crazy in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Please!! How many times do married men who screw around say she's crazy and unstable. I don't believe that for one second. Married men go out find someone to pump and dump then start the "she's crazy rumors" when he feels threatened that she may tell your dirty little secrets. Be a man and take accountability for your actions and quit throwing others under the bus. If you actually love your wife, you wouldn't have slept with crazy in the first place. while I have no way of knowing if his ex other woman is "crazy" or not, there area few other women/men who are ( I had to deal with one...went on for almost two years after the affair ended- she harassed me and our young kids ( all under the age of 11 at the time). Phone calls, emails to me where she was threatening to hurt herself because of "what I did to her", sitting outside our house for hours watching me and our kids out in the yard, saying hurtful things to my kids in public, trying to convince my husband via an anonymous email that I was cheating on him, and several other things. It got so bad I had to get legal help to get her to leave us alone. Her being in my life was my husband's fault...her acting the way she did after they broke up was hers...( she is a serrial other woman, has been through a couple of other married men since then...I feel bad for her, as for whatever reason she chooses to have this kind of relationship, it's now coming back to bite her in the rear) I don't think this happens all that often, but it can happen. If this woman really is "crazy" , that really makes me feel bad for her future child...that child will really need a lot of support from his/her dad growing up if she is just acting kind of nutty because she's hurt, angry and pregnant that's not great, but I'd cut her a bit of slack...but be aware of her behavior and try to not let it affect your wife too much...your ex other woman is an adult and she needs to be responsible for her own behavior, same as you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 i really dont know how she will take it , she is going to be crushed beyond belief , i did however frgive her for her past cheating , but that was many years ago.. i wouldnt dare bring it up to her , this is far worse You'd better do it sooner rather than later but you have to get your head out of the sand. Pick up the book, "How to Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair." It's a quick read (about 100 pages) and will give you a foundation. Read it and tell her this weekend. Then read the book again. Whatever you do, don't hide anything to "protect her from further hurt." If you're going to have any chance, you have to begin with complete honesty. If she catches you in one lie about any of it, that is worse than the betrayal on your reconciliation chances. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 I do feel for you this has to be horrifying but you do need to tell. You said you do want to be dad which tells me you intend to take care of this child. If your marriage makes it through this your marriage will be stronger. Thats if you stay committed and not cheat again.This OW wants you to not to tell your wife because she knows it will be the end of your relationship with her. She wants to continue with being secretive and that will give her more power to threaten telling the wife when things do not go her way. Please do not listen to her she does not care about your wife. No doubt your wife will be hurt and mad but let her vent. Do not blame her for you cheating and be patient. She may need time to think so give that to her. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 i really dont know how she will take it , she is going to be crushed beyond belief , i did however frgive her for her past cheating , but that was many years ago.. i wouldnt dare bring it up to her , this is far worse Did you cheat because she did? I know you had said you didn't want to discuss the marriage, but this may effect the way this plays out... Regardless, justifying this by bringing up her indecresions isn't a good idea. You just need to tell her outright, yes she will be crushed. But you said yourself that you don't blame her if she leaves you. So what's holding you back here? Are you getting cold feet? Link to post Share on other sites
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