melusine71 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Haohmaru Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Great post. This has really helped me get through a lot. However, throughout the whole 20 pages, I didn't see some issues addressed that I think are really important. I am a man. I was the dumper. Men who dump get it the hardest from society, and this post is no different. However, I did it for the right reasons. I realized that I was not mature enough to be in a long term relationship, and the problems in our relationship were caused mostly by this lack of maturity. Coming to terms with these feelings is as hard as being the dumpee. How difficult is it to think that maybe I missed The One because of something so stupid as "timing"? Later, when I am ready, she will most likely be with someone else, because she is beautiful, charming, and on the way up. And what about coming to terms with not being able to fully love, experience love? The emptiness is debilitating. I deleted her from my phone to respect her NC wishes, and now my phone is full of nothing but people I don't want to call. My job is already pointless, and the only pleasure I derived during the day was calling her on breaks. I am free to bang any chick I want, and I don't even feel like putting in the effort. One girl even threw it at me last Saturday. I took a pass. I didn't give a ****. I know that we were not supposed to be together, at least not right now. So I did the right thing. I am not sitting pining about it; I am doing the things to make myself a more mature man -- meeting new people, getting new experiences. BUT!!!! Contrary to what many may believe, the male dumper is not always an unemotional jerk looking to use 'er and lose 'er. At least not the males who are trying to become honest, good men. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Bump again! Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Awwwwwwww Haohmaru that was sweet. It brought a lil tear to my eye! How sweet are you! Link to post Share on other sites
Elena62 Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 22 days of NC and I swear it's a killer some days. I've had absolutely, and I mean absolutely NO desire to even blow wind in his direction. The only thing I miss is the sound of his voice and his soft laugh. I don't hate him and never will - but I deserve better. This is such a great thread. I really needed to read something like this, today. I went on a no-strings lunch date, yesterday. I told the guy just a little bit (because he knows me anyway) and he said: "You deserve to have your needs met, you're not doing anything wrong by coming out with me, stop depriving yourself!" It's going to get better. It's going to get better for ME! Link to post Share on other sites
sandflea Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 22 days of NC and I swear it's a killer some days. I've had absolutely, and I mean absolutely NO desire to even blow wind in his direction. The only thing I miss is the sound of his voice and his soft laugh. I don't hate him and never will - but I deserve better. This is such a great thread. I really needed to read something like this, today. I went on a no-strings lunch date, yesterday. I told the guy just a little bit (because he knows me anyway) and he said: "You deserve to have your needs met, you're not doing anything wrong by coming out with me, stop depriving yourself!" It's going to get better. It's going to get better for ME! Yeah - this is a great thread. Keep the dream alive! Congrats Elena. Bust a move! SF Link to post Share on other sites
wyrllish Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Ahh...needed the reassurance lately. I CONTINUALLY read posts on never contacting the ex, especially if you have hope of a reconciliation(i'm not at the point yet to just picture her out of my life). Yet I still fight myself during the day on whether or not I should text. She's under tons of stress atm, for other issues not cause of me, and doesn't even need me bugging her. Just worsens any possible chance I have. BAH! hate the silence but know it is necessary! Link to post Share on other sites
dfreeman Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 BAH! hate the silence but know it is necessary! Embrace the silence... It is so much better than the noise that will be going off in your head after you contact her...it very rarely goes the way you want it to go! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Bump again! This thread really has to be pinned to the top of the page as it helps so many people. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2008 Share Posted March 13, 2008 Bump for Heather... Link to post Share on other sites
vg6951 Posted March 17, 2008 Share Posted March 17, 2008 I have read through this ENTIRE thread the past few days. It has been incredibly helpful. Can I refer you guys to my thread, I have been mostly talking to myself and I haven't been doing very well at all ;-( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1569571&posted=1#post1569571 Link to post Share on other sites
Cannondale Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 I've been reading through this thread, and there is some crazy good info and advice in here. The thing that really struck a chord with me is that for the most part we are all lucky like NF says. I mean if I had stayed with my ex, sure I would have a sex partner back in my life but other than that she took me away from all that I loved and what meant the most to me. My social and family life suffered a lot when I was with her and I couldn't do the things that I loved to do, and to top it all off she posed a threat to my career aspirations too...just wasn't worth it. Sure it still hurts bad at times, but I know in my heart that I am so much better off without her. Link to post Share on other sites
0hpenelope Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Bump. I think this is a helpful thread. Some (if not all) harsh truths to realize, but realize we must. Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted March 24, 2008 Share Posted March 24, 2008 NoFoolin, I'm SO there with ya on this thread! It's the only way to cope when someone does this to someone else! F%#K em! Dangerous Liasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 There are some pieces of advice which hold true no matter what. This thread is one of them. I wrote about the difficulties a while ago of maintaining 'no contact' and jeez is it hard. It is bloody hard going. But... it works. Doesn't ever feel like it will be worth all the pain, but it is. I'm not through the woods by any means, but further than I was when I was struggling with NC. Thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Hi need some advice. does no contact work if your ex is avoidant and you have an anxious attachment disorder? In brief, was with my ex for almost 2 years. we were close but after a few months he began to grow distant . In arguments he would always leave, was always sensitive to criticism. in the end i just avoided expressing my needs as he could not handle them. he also never told me he loved me and i learnt to live with it. Being anxious, this was hard, as we need validation. it was a shock when he suddenly ended it saying he couldn't be in a relationship any more. this was 4 months ago and i am still devastated. I did a month NC and we got back in contact. After a few weeks of what i thought was us getting back together, he said he liked my company but again couldn't be in a relationship (classic avoidant behaviour is they are unable to be intimate). he has been single for many years before because he has hurt people before by leaving them. I am 3 weeks into NC again. He has contacted me twice but I have ignored his messages. My question is, does NC work where both parties are hurting due to their attachment issues? i believe he misses me too but is scared. He won't attend therapy. I have just finished 10 weeks of therapy for depression and attachment issues but have finished it as it made me feel worse. I get more comfort from these types of forums than speaking to someone who i don't think fully understands the pain of being dumped by someone who has these types of issues (rather than cheating/falling out of love with you/growing apart/long distance etc) i miss him every second of every day. i am trying to move on with my life, so would love some advice. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I have been down the road you are on and sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten therapy. Luckily I found a good friend who happens to have been a therapist and actually does understand the issues you mention. She has told me that many therapists don't. In my case, I think I wish I would have gotten therapy. It would have saved me a lot of time in building the excuses I made for my ex. I ended up with this extravagant fantasy for her that I was more powerfully attached to than I could have ever been to her. Don't fall into the trap of making too many excuses for him. If he loved you then at the very least he could have met you halfway on your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I've never heard of anxious attachment disorder...but it's that's anything like being codependent, it can be extremely difficult to stay away from someone in a break up. I believe I'm co-dependent and I'm telling you I thought I was going to die. But I did it. I stayed away from him. It's been about 8 months of NC, that I broke, but only to tell him to stop harassing me or tell him off. I stopped doing that too and now I've been straight NC for over 3 months. It's hard, but it was the ONLY choice I had to keep my sanity. He no longer harasses me, so I hopefully I can be NC forever. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 thanks for your replies. I guess the attachment disorder does have that element of codependency (well it does if you are at least anxious preoccupied which I am). I had to give up therapy as my therapist didn't grasp what the issues were at hand, or at least give me advice on what to do or how to deal. There doesn't seem to be many therapists that specialise in love addiction or attachment disorders in my area. Every day gets worse, not better. I still cry 4 months on and miss him. He was my best friend. LS has been my saving grace. I think, yes he would need to meet my needs half way but i do not think he is emotionally able or aware do this. It has been me researching what was wrong with the both of us, me who went into therapy, me who is trying to make sense of the loss. Him, he just carries on. I love him with all my heart, but guess I will have to continue with the NC and try to move on that way. He is 'avoidant' so has had many years to equip himself with moving on/shielding himself from trauma. As for me, i can see me switching from anxious to avoidant so I never get hurt again. This has been the worst break up of my life, and at my age, cannot ever put myself through this amount of pain again. It is not worth it. I would rather die sad and lonely than risk being abandoned again. thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
KansasChica Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 OP, I definitely understand what you are going through and honestly, I don't have the answers. I'm avoidant/anxious and my ex is avoidant so we had a tough time in the relationship. There was a lot of push/pull on both of our accounts. From the book I read on attachment theories, relationships between avoidants and anxious are extremely difficulty if not impossible. Avoidants are afraid of intimacy and want give you the reassurance that anxious people need. I was definitely clingy and he never stated how he was really feeling throughout the relationship. Or he would tell me what I wanted to hear to avoid conflict. He then resented me and his built up anger and frustration exploded like a volcano (right before he broke up with me). We've now been broken up for close to 8 months. We went NC for about the first six months. I tried to reach out to him a couple times and he was still hurt and angry (even though he dumped me). He also avoided me and cut me out of his life. I know he was hurting. He didn't really date anyone else. We are now in some contact. He admitted to missing me and even still loving me, but still doesn't want to get back together with me. But he didn't want to go back there (to our relationship and its potential conflict). He didn't want to deal with his issues and prefers to stay in his safety bubble. I know it hurts, because I still hurt daily. I've been in therapy and my ex hasn't. He won't be able to change until he does get help and that won't happen until he wants to change. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 thanks for your replies. I guess the attachment disorder does have that element of codependency (well it does if you are at least anxious preoccupied which I am). I had to give up therapy as my therapist didn't grasp what the issues were at hand, or at least give me advice on what to do or how to deal. There doesn't seem to be many therapists that specialise in love addiction or attachment disorders in my area. Every day gets worse, not better. I still cry 4 months on and miss him. He was my best friend. LS has been my saving grace. I think, yes he would need to meet my needs half way but i do not think he is emotionally able or aware do this. It has been me researching what was wrong with the both of us, me who went into therapy, me who is trying to make sense of the loss. Him, he just carries on. I love him with all my heart, but guess I will have to continue with the NC and try to move on that way. He is 'avoidant' so has had many years to equip himself with moving on/shielding himself from trauma. As for me, i can see me switching from anxious to avoidant so I never get hurt again. This has been the worst break up of my life, and at my age, cannot ever put myself through this amount of pain again. It is not worth it. I would rather die sad and lonely than risk being abandoned again. thanks for reading. Until you can find a good therapist, I suggest you get some books on the subject. Books can be a wonderful help. Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You need to work on your personal issues, and stay away from him as long as he is unwilling to do the same. Reconciliations can work out... but only when both people have worked on and are committed to not making the same mistakes again. You deserve someone that is going to either not treat you like that, or be willing to look at who they are and what they realistically need to change, and show you that they are actually doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 thank you all for your supportive posts. i am working on my personal issues through therapy, a lot of reading, and using these forums. I know I have a way to go, but my ex, unfortunately will not go to therapy, so I cannot help him. I haven't managed to find a therapist that really specialises in attachment disorders. I have been to 2 so far, the second one said she did specialise in attachments but after 8 or so weeks, I found myself knowing more about it than she did, because I was so obsessed with overcoming the pain of the relationship. I am not saying i am unique but people with anxious attachment issues are finely tuned so i sensed that she will continue to take my money, listen but not help. I may look into this again. my ex contacted me again this week but i have continued to ignore him, however hard it is as i want to believe he can get better alone. but i know he cannot. No contact has been a struggle, anxious types constantly need validation so not being able to get it from an avoidant is painful. I know he loves me in his own way but lacks the capacity to show it. i am truly scared to embark on relationships again, defeatist i know, but the hurt from being abandoned by avoidants relives childhood issues, i know i wouldn't survive the rejection from another again. thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I think the very best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Work on making yourself healthy, and the best you you can possibly be. Dont worry about a relationship. I know for you thats going to be particularly difficult, since you get some validation from it. Learn to stand alone. Be happy being yourself. Dont look for a relationship. When the right person comes along, and you feel like your ready, itll just happen. What I personally did when I was trying to work through some things, and after I got divorced, was decide I wasnt going to get involved with anyone for a year. 11 months later a great guy came into my life. I did have to deal with some stuff that came up. Some things you can prepare for outside of a relationship, but can only really deal with once your in one and dealing with some of those feelings coming up. But like I said, he was a great guy... and I had told him up front what some of the issues were, and he was very supportive and understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
ballycastle Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I think the very best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Work on making yourself healthy, and the best you you can possibly be. Dont worry about a relationship. I know for you thats going to be particularly difficult, since you get some validation from it. Learn to stand alone. Be happy being yourself. Dont look for a relationship. When the right person comes along, and you feel like your ready, itll just happen. What I personally did when I was trying to work through some things, and after I got divorced, was decide I wasnt going to get involved with anyone for a year. 11 months later a great guy came into my life. I did have to deal with some stuff that came up. Some things you can prepare for outside of a relationship, but can only really deal with once your in one and dealing with some of those feelings coming up. But like I said, he was a great guy... and I had told him up front what some of the issues were, and he was very supportive and understanding. Thank you Lemonlime. The thing is I was doing all the things you suggest before we met. i am an older single parent and have always been independant. i have my own life so could stand alone. i have always lived my life not dependant on anyone. When he came into my life he was so supportive of me which is why it is such a shock that he has turned around and abandoned me when he knew i had abandonment and trust issues. He also chased me for many months. I know he has his issues but how do you trust again when everything from you has been taken? I have lost the ability to be intimate. This may change in time, but when it happened i felt a lightswitch turn off inside, as if my hope for ever meeting anyone who would respect and love me turn off (I am in my forties and have never had a successful relationship.) He was my last hope as we both understood each other. It seems to only be us who work on ourselves continually while those who continue to hurt us just carry on ruining other people's lives by never dealing. Since finding out about attachment disorders this has changed my life. the book ATTACHED by Amir Levine showed my behaviours and it was a revelation. I am an anxious preoccupied but see myself becoming avoidant like my ex. I have always been an open, fun loving person, but see myself shutting down for the risk of being at deaths door again like i have with the ending of this relationship. NC is the only way for me, but I miss him every second. thanks so much for members taking time to support me. Link to post Share on other sites
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