Steadfast Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Although it may not seem like it now, but this thread shows many positives where you are concerned. Unlike many, you are not defending her or taking what she's saying as gospel because you want to believe it so badly. That's so common. You have self-respect and a good grasp on reality. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, this will serve you well. I am having a hard time understanding people who have reconciled, and say things like "the affair made our marraige stronger"...that sounds crazy to me. Understood, but remember the saying "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". The best example of this I've read was from book author Michelle Langley. She had an affair, but at some point recognized she really did love her husband and didn't want to throw her marriage away. Writing how grateful she was that her husband didn't leave (and stayed with her while she worked through her problems) she concluded by saying. "In the end, I'd rather be with someone who knew they were capable of cheating but chose not to." That's the key; allowing yourself to grow and become a better spouse, parent...a better person through humility. Langley turned her weakness into strength through experience. She did it the right way. I didn't reconcile with my wife but oh, how I wish she could have taken this path. I truly believe we would have made it together. And made it better. What I don't like the most right is the fact that I still care about her. It makes me sick actually; especially when Im asking about details of the affair. Normal. Process that and let it go. Remember: women don't stay with men they don't love. Something is keeping her there. If she's using you, you'll soon realize that motivation and act. How much time do you plan on investing to reach the truth? She should know the clock's ticking. I do have one other question. I've had this urge to tell my parents about all of this, I've resisted because i think that would seriously hamper reconciliation; but I feel like I need them...thoughts? Tell them. If she can't accept that you need to go to the people you're closest to in times like this, then dump her yesterday and move on. Seriously? She shouldn't question anything you do or say right now. Again, regardless of what happens, you seem like the kind of man who will land on his feet. You're providing a great example of how a good person handles a horrible situation. Call in your friends and family. Get trusted advice and surround yourself with people you know love you. Hang in! Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) I'd like to elaborate on this: What I don't like the most right is the fact that I still care about her. It makes me sick actually; especially when Im asking about details of the affair. Understand that you living and making decisions about everything using a combination of your heart's desire and your brain's rationale. Your heart loves this woman; the disgusting details of her actions are not seen or felt by it. Your brain? It's painting a 3D image of every scene and reinforcing its self-defense mechanism to keep the heart safe. Right now, they're working independently but they won't always. You are not a sicko because you still love and desire her. You are human. This uneasiness will fade in light of larger issues. Edited July 28, 2012 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 All you guys are making some very good points and giving me a lot to think about. We talked again yesterday or rather she talked. The gist of what she said is she has decided that she does not want a relationship with the OM. She says she's been doing a lot of reading and thinking about the things she has been saying and admitted if She heard someone else say the things she has been saying she would think they were stupid. He says she is ready to put my feelings first now that all of the clutter is out of her mind. She says the relationship with the OM wasn't based on reality. I didn't say much because I always like to take time to think about what she has said because I have to consider the fact that she is lying and or manipulating me. But I did say something like "you are ready now!..but have not cared about me or put my feelings first in the past?". To which she said "I didn't feel this way about you before and I feel closer to you." she says she had a lot of resentment towards me when we first married b/c we moved about 1000 miles from out families...which we did because I took a job that would allow us to buy the kind of house she wanted...but I digress. What do you guys make of this? I have to admit to being skeptical of some of the advice and predictions ya'll have made about the WW and her motives but I must admit as a group you've been more right than wrong. She's Bull****ting you and she's blameshifting it onto you so she doesn't have to accept responsibility for her actions! Do you have children, if not, contact a lawyer and file for divorce and protect your assets! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Thanks guys. This has been very therapeutic for me. I still don't know what I want to do, well that is not entirely true...I want to end things, but our therapist insists that I should not make any decisions right now because I am not capable at the moment of making a good well reasoned decision about the marraige right now. I've started asking mor specific questions about the affair and the times they spent together. I'm treadin lightly because I'm very afraid of some of the things she may say...although I doubt any of it would be a shock. What I don't like the most right is the fact that I still care about her. It makes me sick actually; especially when Im asking about details of the affair. I find it hard to be mean to her, although I have been a couple of times, but being an ahole is not really apart of personality. I'm just kind of rambling but I am appreciative of the advice you guys have given. I do have one other question. I've had this urge to tell my parents about all of this, I've resisted because i think that would seriously hamper reconciliation; but I feel like I need them...thoughts? Tell your parents and whoever else will listen! Including her parents! You'll be surprised as to how many people have known about your wife's affair! Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 I find it hard to be mean to her, although I have been a couple of times, but being an ahole is not really apart of personality. I'm just kind of rambling but I am appreciative of the advice you guys have given. Nobody is saying you have to be mean, but you have a right to be angry and express that anger. And you should, otherwise she will know consequences for what she has done aren't very severe. Also, expecting her to act like a wife isn't being mean. I do have one other question. I've had this urge to tell my parents about all of this, I've resisted because i think that would seriously hamper reconciliation; but I feel like I need them...thoughts? If you think you want to keep your wife, then do not tell your parents. Because it would be awkward from that point on because every time you get together, you'll know that your parents know she is a cheater. And your parents, even though they may not express it, will more than likely not like her from that point on. If you think you are going to get rid of her and find a better woman, then yes, what Darth said. Link to post Share on other sites
HardPlace2b Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 well , i would say if she no longer sees him anymore , but how can u trust that.. you can forgive but you can never trust again, this is broken and will take years to fix.. do what you want but i dont think the other guy will be gone .. until they both do not want to see eachother anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShakeyMouse Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 This is a bit off topic but I needed to share. Last night I had my wife txt the OM and tell him that I knew about him and to not contact her again. The OM replied and said something like, what are you talking about. This enraged me...I took the phone a d replied saying I know you have been sleeping with my wife and don't contact her anymore. He replied again saying he didn't know what I'm talking about. I asked my wife what she thought I this...she gave no coherent answer...but seemed very nervous. I'm still pissed for several reasons - 1. I feel like there is something that I am missing something that is not being said. 2. I'm pissed that I even have to deal with some BS like this. 3. Before last night I didn't really feel like I had an issue with the OM, I mean we don't know each other...granted if I ever got the chance to screw him over Id probably take it, but up until last night i would say my anger towards him was low, now it is not! Don't get me wrong my wife is the main culprit but this prick deserves some repercussions also. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 The prick is protecting her and himself ..he doesn't want to own his part in the affair. What an ass.hole! Do talk to your parents, they can help and support you during this time. You need them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShakeyMouse Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 His response makes me think they have been communicating which the W swears they have not been doing. Well, I certainly don't believe her. This latest episode has further soured me on reconciliation and is a reminder that for the past 3 years I've been riding in the back seat of my marraige. I feel a sense of powerlessness. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 His response makes me think they have been communicating which the W swears they have not been doing. Well, I certainly don't believe her. This latest episode has further soured me on reconciliation and is a reminder that for the past 3 years I've been riding in the back seat of my marraige. I feel a sense of powerlessness. I have been reading here for 15 months and went thru my own similar situation to yours. If you want your power back, take charge. As far as I can see, the only way to shake them out of their fog (if you choose to believe in such a thing) is to file for divorce. When they get their papers and their jaw hits the floor, they MAY change because they have been forced to look at exactly what they are risking. It finally becomes real and the fantasy bubble explodes. If she then is truly remorseful, that's when you consider reconciling. Any forgiveness prior to that is cheap forgiveness and prevents them from hitting the rock bottom that makes them realize they can no longer "manage" you. If filing isn't enough to do it, well, you're on your way. By the way, this is also probably the best way to reclaim your manhood and get the respect from her that is necessary for her to love you. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 3, 2012 Share Posted August 3, 2012 This is a bit off topic but I needed to share. Last night I had my wife txt the OM and tell him that I knew about him and to not contact her again. The OM replied and said something like, what are you talking about. This enraged me...I took the phone a d replied saying I know you have been sleeping with my wife and don't contact her anymore. He replied again saying he didn't know what I'm talking about. I asked my wife what she thought I this...she gave no coherent answer...but seemed very nervous. I'm still pissed for several reasons - 1. I feel like there is something that I am missing something that is not being said. 2. I'm pissed that I even have to deal with some BS like this. 3. Before last night I didn't really feel like I had an issue with the OM, I mean we don't know each other...granted if I ever got the chance to screw him over Id probably take it, but up until last night i would say my anger towards him was low, now it is not! Don't get me wrong my wife is the main culprit but this prick deserves some repercussions also. Is he married? Sorry if I missed it. If so, he doesn't want there to be any proof you could show his wife. My guess anyway. His wife also deserves to know and could be an ally in this for you. The OM is probably scared to death that he's going to get exposed to his wife so he chooses his normal defaults: lie, deny, and lie some more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShakeyMouse Posted August 3, 2012 Author Share Posted August 3, 2012 He isnt married. Something I did leave out though was when he first responded saying he didn't know what she meant. I asked my wife what did she think about that response, because at that time he would have thought the txt was coming from her. She said he was probably shocked to see something like that out of the blue. I was confused by this, why would he be shocked? I mean you are sleeping with a married woman, it should not be shocking that one day you might get some form of communication that indicates that the affair has been discovered. Another question is why would he respond at all? Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 He got the text and immediately thought: "The husband could be suspicious, might be using her phone, and playing a bluff" Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShakeyMouse Posted August 4, 2012 Author Share Posted August 4, 2012 Yeah I suppose you are right. It has taken monumental amounts of restraint not escalate things. I'm so pissed with the W, this whole thing is her fault and yesterday she acted so detached from it. Kind of like "you wanted me to send the txt and I did, I can't control what he says or does." I haven't really talked to her over the past 24hrs because I'm trying to follow my therapist's advice and not say things when I'm angry, because right now I want to say "get your ***** and get out." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Why don't you tell her to go? Trial separation. Let her see what life is like without you in it and see how fast the grass is greener syndrome disappears.. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Yeah I suppose you are right. It has taken monumental amounts of restraint not escalate things. I'm so pissed with the W, this whole thing is her fault and yesterday she acted so detached from it. Kind of like "you wanted me to send the txt and I did, I can't control what he says or does." I haven't really talked to her over the past 24hrs because I'm trying to follow my therapist's advice and not say things when I'm angry, because right now I want to say "get your ***** and get out." Your therapist concerns me. Can I ask how you know the OM ins't married? I hope you're not believing your W on that one. She would want to protect him. Link to post Share on other sites
DepressedinDenver Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 Quite frankly your therapist sucks IMO. I think you should go with your gut reaction in this case. That what I did and it has worked out wonderfully. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Get your $hit and get out sounds fine to me too. Maybe you can say it even better like: "Looking at you disgusts me. I see you and picture the two of you together. I may need some time to calm down. I need distance AWAY from you. I will be making some hard choices while I think about what is best for me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Her scum, slimy lover---is covering his own butt---he doesn't really know what you might do, but he does know that sometimes violence comes into play---it is real easy to see where he is coming from-----but as you say----there is only one person your beef is with, and that is your so called wife----had she not had her A., we wouldn't even be here--- You need to lay the blame at the proper place, what you end up doing is up to you, and how you wanna spend the rest of your life---but stop paying any attention to your wife's lover---- Link to post Share on other sites
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