DonCanard Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 I'm writing to complete my saga which started in December 2011. Threads older than 60 days do not allow new posts, so I've had to start a new one. For anyone not familiar with my initial posts, simply find my previous thread. What follows is how it all turned out. I know search engines index everything posted here and I think that having a complete history of how this turned out would be useful to anyone searching for and finding this topic. I tried my damndest to get my head around what I got to know about this woman that I loved totally and utterly. What I actually loved was a very carefully crafted version of how she chose to portray herself. The real her - the one with the warts and all - was a very different person. Once I had the complete picture, I had a choice to make. I chose to stay and try to make it work. Countless forums and several books later, there was no escaping one fundamental issue: I no longer trusted her nor respected her. The chasm between our moralities was too big. Can people with opposing ethics be a good match? I think not. I remember reading a post by some bloke who had lived with a very similar issue between him and his wife. They were in their 50s and had been married for 26 years. He had lived with a damaged perception of his wife for over 20 years, having found out about her past after their first child was born. He said that he felt he had wasted 20 years of his life and in hindsight should have left long ago. I realised I was running that risk - of wasting my life with someone who I felt wasn't "right" for me. Consequently I set myself a deadline that came and went. I would feel better about things by a certain date or I would end it. After 6 months of dealing with this issue I became aware that I was never going to come to terms with it. Our level of honesty in our relationship had, paradoxically, hit an all-time high. I wasn't talking to her about it every day. After a few months it had subsided to an occasional exchange lazing about on a lazy Sunday morning. This was my issue, in my head and I had to deal with it. This was much better than January and February, when at night, I would retreat to the shower and cry. It has been a lonely experience for me. It's not something I could talk to friends or confidants about. I consulted an online psychologist who essentially said that some people do come to terms with it and some never do. The final straw came when I found out that she had a secret stash of money that she had kept secret from me for 2 years. She told me about it. That felt like the final betrayal. I was 100% financially committed to our relationship, but she obviously wasn't. After 6 months things weren't getting any better. I was becoming increasingly aware of the sensation that we were both just going through the motions. My heart certainly wasn't in it any more. In the past 6 months we went away a few times in an attempt to rekindle what once was. Our first vacation showed me that there was no going back to the old us. That relationship was gone. The only option on offer was that of going forward toward a new, honest, brighter relationship between us that was built on the ruins of the old us. A second vacation was not much more successful and underlined that progress was slow and almost imperceptible. For the first 4 1/2 years of our relationship, when she came through the door, my heart would skip a beat out of excitement. I couldn't wait to see her, to just be with her. Lately, it sank each time she came home. The thought of spending the rest of my life with her resulted in a negative reaction. A month I ago I ended it. I was never going to be happy with her again. It wasn't fair to her either to remain in a compromised relationship. It was never going to be good enough for either of us. It was time to end it and for each of us to go and find happiness within again and, perhaps, with someone else again one day. It's been a month since I left her and I feel so much better for it. It feels like a massive cancerous growth has been cut out of me. Living in a perpetual state of mild dissatisfaction (at best) can only last for so long. I know I have done the right thing for both of us, as hard as it was to do. To anyone just embarking on having to deal with a sudden negative impression of their loved one, I would say this: initially you will be in a state of shock. This will pass, so do not act in haste. You're in an emotional state and thinking clearly will be difficult. Wait to calm down. How long this takes varies from person to person. Once you've achieved a mindset of relative stability and calm, put emotion aside and apply logic. Be brutally honest with yourself and answer this: will you be able to forget about what you now know? If not, save yourself the anguish and heartache and end it. If there is any doubt about your ability to forget about it, you will be surprised how often those memories and thoughts are triggered by innocuous signs, words and things you will see on tv in daily life.
Author DonCanard Posted July 2, 2012 Author Posted July 2, 2012 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/308939-what-would-you-do
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