iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 This thread gives some background on the dog problem my ex and I have: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/329359-if-you-had-choose-between-your-dog-your-relationship We sat down last week and talked about solutions to the problem. He was pretty hostile to every solution I came up with (he came up with none, btw) except for one—the most difficult and impractical. I expressed my apprehension at this being a long-term solution, but I’m willing to try it. At least we had something of a way to work around the problem. When I left his house he hugged me and said, “ Don’t worry about it. We’ll make it work.” I left feeling optimistic about us being able to have a relationship. I didn't hear from him the next day, which was OK because he knew I was going to a concert, but then I didn’t hear from the next day either. (I typically let him contact me because we have always worked better that way.) A couple days later I text him. No response. I wait three more days and call him. No response. What happened after we came to what I thought was an understanding? I mean, he said we’d make it work. Did he not mean that when he said it? Even if he doesn’t think it can work, why doesn’t he tell so that I’m not left wondering what is going on? What do I do now? How do I get him to explain what the heck happened? I know bombarding him with calls/texts/emails is probably the worst thing I could do, though I’m tempted. I thought we had figured everything out and I was excited. Now I'm very disappointed and confused by his actions. Do you agree that he’s being unfair by not talking to me?
YellowShark Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 If a person choses an animal over a human I wouldn't want to date them. Sorry, but if a human and a dog were drowning in a submerged car and I could only save one of them I would save the human.. No questions asked. I wouldn't choose the dog. That's just how I roll. And I did break up with someone because of her dog. It came before "us" and frankly I refuse to be in competition with a dog.. Nor was I going to make her choose between me or the dog. So I bailed.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 If a person choses an animal over a human I wouldn't want to date them. Sorry, but if a human and a dog were drowning in a submerged car and I could only save one of them I would save the human.. No questions asked. I wouldn't choose the dog. That's just how I roll. And I did break up with someone because of her dog. It came before "us" and frankly I refuse to be in competition with a dog.. Nor was I going to make her choose between me or the dog. So I bailed. We've chosen (I thought) to work around the dog issue. The current issue is that he's MIA and I don't understand why. Why would a guy do this to a girl AFTER they've resolved an issue? Should I just leave it alone and try to move on? It's difficult to do considering I've known him for so many years.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 We've chosen (I thought) to work around the dog issue. The current issue is that he's MIA and I don't understand why. Why would a guy do this to a girl AFTER they've resolved an issue? Should I just leave it alone and try to move on? It's difficult to do considering I've known him for so many years. My guess is that he said 'yes' to whatever workaround you "agreed on" just to get you to leave. Sounds like he has has enough dog drama to last a lifetime.
mortensorchid Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 This is just terrible on his part. We all make choices in life, from something simple like the clothes you are going to wear to who your friends are/are not. I've been there myself, and we have to accept the fact that people make choices that are going to help as well as hurt themselves and others around them. Why? Because they are not mature enough, experienced enough, too self centered, etc. to be more considerate of you, or vice versa. This is a difficult thing to accept, but you have to move on from him. If he chooses the dog over you now, he will choose the dog (or something else) over you eventually.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 My guess is that he said 'yes' to whatever workaround you "agreed on" just to get you to leave. Sounds like he has has enough dog drama to last a lifetime. He could have chosen for there not to be drama by giving the dog to his uncle--not a bad solution in my opinion. If I had a problem dog and a family member who was willing to take it, I'd do it. I hope every girl he meets after me has pets.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 He could have chosen for there not to be drama by giving the dog to his uncle--not a bad solution in my opinion. If I had a problem dog and a family member who was willing to take it, I'd do it. I hope every girl he meets after me has pets. And you can give your dog to someone too, which wouldn't be a bad solution...from his standpoint.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 This is just terrible on his part. We all make choices in life, from something simple like the clothes you are going to wear to who your friends are/are not. I've been there myself, and we have to accept the fact that people make choices that are going to help as well as hurt themselves and others around them. Why? Because they are not mature enough, experienced enough, too self centered, etc. to be more considerate of you, or vice versa. This is a difficult thing to accept, but you have to move on from him. If he chooses the dog over you now, he will choose the dog (or something else) over you eventually. Part of me wishes we would talk and he'd have a legitimate reason for the silence. I'm not sure that's a possibility though. Yes, this is the coward's way out. I didn't know he wanted out, but I guess he did. I'm not sure if he was trying to sabotage this to the point of no return on purpose, but it looks like that's what he's done. It was a mistake to do it this way though. We live in a small town; we will run into each, and I know how to make him very uncomfortable. And you can give your dog to someone too, which wouldn't be a bad solution...from his standpoint. I don't have a family member offering to take my dog and my dog isn't a problem.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 I'm thinking of sending him an email, one that triggers some guilt so that he gives me an explanation. What should I say in it? Or is this a bad idea? I can't stand not knowing what he's thinking after our last time together was so promising.
oaks Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 I'm thinking of sending him an email, one that triggers some guilt so that he gives me an explanation. What should I say in it? Or is this a bad idea? If you're sending it to trigger some guilt then that sounds manipulative, which doesn't sound good.
threebyfate Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Do nothing beyond starting the process towards NC and moving on. Anyone who fades like this is nothing but a coward, not someone to pair bond with for any length of time.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 If you're sending it to trigger some guilt then that sounds manipulative, which doesn't sound good. Unfortunately, I can't think of another way to get him to respond to me. I just want to know what happened.
Author iris219 Posted June 30, 2012 Author Posted June 30, 2012 Do nothing beyond starting the process towards NC and moving on. Anyone who fades like this is nothing but a coward, not someone to pair bond with for any length of time. Logically I know this, but his disappearance was so unexpected that I'm having trouble accepting it.
threebyfate Posted June 30, 2012 Posted June 30, 2012 Logically I know this, but his disappearance was so unexpected that I'm having trouble accepting it.Yes, I understand. But don't keep at him. Had he wanted to respond, he would have done so already. This is where your pride comes into play. Don't break. Consider some of the reasons why he wouldn't have responded: Didn't want to deal with the drama of breakup (coward).Is punishing you with the silent treatment (jack ass).Accidentally drove off a cliff (is dead). Are any of these reasons worth following up on?
Author iris219 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Yes, I understand. But don't keep at him. Had he wanted to respond, he would have done so already. This is where your pride comes into play. Don't break. Consider some of the reasons why he wouldn't have responded: Didn't want to deal with the drama of breakup (coward).Is punishing you with the silent treatment (jack ass).Accidentally drove off a cliff (is dead). Are any of these reasons worth following up on? It's not #3. I've seen him driving around town. That would be the only excusable reason. I'm not sure if it's pride as much as insecurity and confusion for me. I hate feeling like I did something wrong. If I did, I'd like to know what it was so I won't make similar mistakes in the future. It's probably both 1 and 2, though I find myself making excuses for him like maybe he doesn't have the ability to communicate what he's feeling right now so he shut down.
threebyfate Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 It's not #3. I've seen him driving around town. That would be the only excusable reason.It was a joke since yes, that would be the only valid reason. I'm not sure if it's pride as much as insecurity and confusion for me. I hate feeling like I did something wrong. If I did, I'd like to know what it was so I won't make similar mistakes in the future.No, I'm telling you to shore up your own pride and stand firm. No contact. It's probably both 1 and 2, though I find myself making excuses for him like maybe he doesn't have the ability to communicate what he's feeling right now so he shut down.Think long-term, always long-term if you're investing emotions like you have. So he shuts down on you this time. What might happen later down the road for an issue like marriage? What if he gets cold feet and decides to shut down on you, leaving you at the altar?
Feelsgoodman Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 Logically I know this, but his disappearance was so unexpected that I'm having trouble accepting it. No offense, but based on your posts here and in the other thread, you sound like a very self-centered person. That's why it's so difficult for you to accept that he has had enough and is chosing to ignore you. The reality is that he doesn't owe you an explanation. If I was him, I'd just block you.
Emilia Posted July 1, 2012 Posted July 1, 2012 TBF is right Iris. He is not responding partly to punish you for trying to make him do something he doesn't want and because he is immature and selfish. This dog should not have been as big a problem as it turned out to be. Most reasonable, LTR material, caring, father figure type guys worry when they own a dog that's vicious. They wouldn't keep it in the first place, especially if they want children. Anyone who puts an animal before a compromise with a human being is not ready for a mature, committed relationship. He is a lost cause. 1
Author iris219 Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 No offense, but based on your posts here and in the other thread, you sound like a very self-centered person. That's why it's so difficult for you to accept that he has had enough and is chosing to ignore you. The reality is that he doesn't owe you an explanation. If I was him, I'd just block you. Really? I feel like I'm not self-centered enough at times. It is hard for me to understand why people do things that are better for themselves, but which hurt others. I try to do the opposite, even when I don't want to because I care about other's feelings. If I didn't want to talk to someone, it might take me a day or two to be able to do it, but I try to do what's fair, and ignoring them is not the right thing. Why would he block me? He didn't have to be in contact with me at all. I wasn't pushing anything; he was initiating contact. We weren't dating and we weren't having physical contact, so if he wasn't sincere about wanting to work things out so we could be together, he should have just said he didn't want to work it out. He wasn't getting anything out of being in contact with me, but he was choosing to anyway. He may not owe me anything, but people should be respectful to others. We've know each other for many years, so explaining himself would be the kind thing to do. TBF is right Iris. He is not responding partly to punish you for trying to make him do something he doesn't want and because he is immature and selfish. This dog should not have been as big a problem as it turned out to be. Most reasonable, LTR material, caring, father figure type guys worry when they own a dog that's vicious. They wouldn't keep it in the first place, especially if they want children. Anyone who puts an animal before a compromise with a human being is not ready for a mature, committed relationship. He is a lost cause. I am having a hard time accepting this, even though I know it. I admit I'm annoyed that I was making a decision to be in a less than ideal relationship with a difficult person, and then he decides he wants out. His disappearance isn't surprising, actually. He used to do this in past. Really, I should be thanking him for not wanting to deal with me!
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