Destroyed

[2sunny]

So last night she comes home and gives me a kiss on the lips. But still slept in different beds. Tonight she has been very sad, telling me how sorry she is etc. asks me to not be so affectionate towards her as it is making it hard for her. I back off, she sleeps for a few hours, and when she comes down to talk she was emotional. I was calm and unemotional. She came over and gave me a small kiss on the lips again.

 

I had received a fathers day card from her parents, whom I have always been very close with. I sent them a email thanking me, telling them how much I have enjoyed being a part of their family etc. my mother in law responds and saysmtheynlove both of us, that relationships are tough, and that all that matters is how you come out at the end. They hope we are able tomworkmthings out. I tell me wife that I had sent an email and had received a response from her parents. She became extremely upset at the contents of the email.

 

 

Her anger was that "you have people who are supporting you, letting you cry to them, and telling you to keep hope, and now even my parents are doing it. Why is no one supporting me?". My answer was that maybe everyone else sees the huge mistake you are making. She was furious since no one else knows what she has gone through, again no abuse, no mental illness, no violence, nothing. She reiterated that she had no love, no spark for me, and that she should not have to stay with someone she does not love because other people think she should. The selfishness is driving me crazy......anyway this has seemed to push her into being more defensive.

 

I told her I would separate and give her space, and accept that we may be done, however i will still hope that we can reconcile one day. I asked he to keep an open mind about the future, thatbwhile shenfeels there is no future right now, there might be down the road. to which she refused.....she reiterated that she is done, and that out friends who have gone through this and are offering advice, do not know our situation.

 

I am strangely peaceful at this point

 

And this IS the WHOLE problem - she's ONLY thinking of herself (selfish and self centered) and not thinking of all the hurt and pain she is bring to so MANY people!

 

Even then - she turns it all around to try to deflect HER choices - which are poor.

 

She may not be worth even considering bothering with if she's truly THAT selfish!

 

She's harming you and your family - get honest with her and KEEP reminding HER what she is CHOOSING!

 

Does she work?

 

Answer questions people here are asking - they are trying to HELP YOU!

[Johndoe310]

And this IS the WHOLE problem - she's ONLY thinking of herself (selfish and self centered) and not thinking of all the hurt and pain she is bring to so MANY people!

 

Even then - she turns it all around to try to deflect HER choices - which are poor.

 

She may not be worth even considering bothering with if she's truly THAT selfish!

 

She's harming you and your family - get honest with her and KEEP reminding HER what she is CHOOSING!

 

Does she work?

 

Answer questions people here are asking - they are trying to HELP YOU!

 

 

Yes she works as a child and adolescent therapist. I did check the cell phone records and nothing seems out of line, same with her email account.

 

I told her that she is killing me by doing this, her response was that i slowly killed her over the past 12 years. How she could be hurt by someone who she had no feelings for is a question she could not answer.

[2sunny]

Yes she works as a child and adolescent therapist. I did check the cell phone records and nothing seems out of line, same with her email account.

 

I told her that she is killing me by doing this, her response was that i slowly killed her over the past 12 years. How she could be hurt by someone who she had no feelings for is a question she could not answer.

 

If she's as unhappy as she states - pack her bag tonight and tell her to leave!

[2sunny]

Put a voice activated recorder in her purse. You can get one that looks like a pen for about $75.00

[Johndoe310]

If she's as unhappy as she states - pack her bag tonight and tell her to leave!

 

I did, which caused her to say she was taking the boys with her. I can not do that to my sons.

[2sunny]

I did, which caused her to say she was taking the boys with her. I can not do that to my sons.

 

Since she's unhappy and not willing to stay married - she leaves and allows all of you guys to stay with a stable environment.

 

As long as she's comfortable and calling the shots - you're never going to gain any respect. Her being "comfortable" is something she should have considered before stating she wanted to divorce. She should go to her parents (or ANYWHERE ELSE) tonight! Slap her with reality really quick!

 

She may get scared straight! But don't back down and give her a chance to stay for now.

 

Her choices cause HER ONLY to leave!

[Snakechammah]

On a sidenote, Sunny's frustration is adorable! You have the noblest intention of caring for JohnDoe and wanting to help but it's not getting through. Somehow I find your frustrated posts cute! Lol (don't mind me..)

 

JohnDoe, please do take the people's advice. You're probably still in denial. Perhaps this is what have placed you into this predicament all along - for 12 years - you've probably sidestep issues in your relationship thinking "It's ok" "Peace" brush off "Trivial"... etc.

 

Wake up dude. There is no smoke without fire!

[2sunny]

She "sees you" as her total doormat...

 

You MUST take some of YOUR POWER BACK - that means she's likely to be uncomfortable when YOU DO!

 

That is good! It means YOU are respecting yourself... She's NEVER going to respect you if you don't respect yourself!

[jaymz]

If there was one thing I could go back and do when all this mess started, in that was to stand up more to my STBXW when my world was crumbling. Its natural to want to please them, show your love etc, but the truth is that will not work.

 

Please listen to the advise here, take your balls back and stand up for yourself.

[Johndoe310]

This morning I calmly told her that I am not moving out. If she has decided to end the marriage, then she can leave, but the boys are staying. Her response was that she will get a lawyer and the boys will stay with her because she is their mom. She said that they will stay with her because it because of me that we are at this point, convienently changing from the we both had a hand logic she had earlier.

 

I told her at she can't blame 12 yrs of unhappiness on me, if I can't make her happy, then I can't make her unhappy. It doesn't work both ways. This is on her. I told her to stop deflecting the ramifications of her decision.

 

It was tough, I held firm. A family member is a divorce attorney, I am going to speak with her today. I can not and will not cause my boys to move out of the house

 

 

My ex is very upset now because she wanted things to be civil, I responded if civil means making this easy on you, then no, that is not my goal

[2sunny]

This morning I calmly told her that I am not moving out. If she has decided to end the marriage, then she can leave, but the boys are staying. Her response was that she will get a lawyer and the boys will stay with her because she is their mom. She said that they will stay with her because it because of me that we are at this point, convienently changing from the we both had a hand logic she had earlier.

 

I told her at she can't blame 12 yrs of unhappiness on me, if I can't make her happy, then I can't make her unhappy. It doesn't work both ways. This is on her. I told her to stop deflecting the ramifications of her decision.

 

It was tough, I held firm. A family member is a divorce attorney, I am going to speak with her today. I can not and will not cause my boys to move out of the house

 

 

My ex is very upset now because she wanted things to be civil, I responded if civil means making this easy on you, then no, that is not my goal

 

This is good progress for you!

[Steen719]

This morning I calmly told her that I am not moving out. If she has decided to end the marriage, then she can leave, but the boys are staying. Her response was that she will get a lawyer and the boys will stay with her because she is their mom. She said that they will stay with her because it because of me that we are at this point, convienently changing from the we both had a hand logic she had earlier.

 

I told her at she can't blame 12 yrs of unhappiness on me, if I can't make her happy, then I can't make her unhappy. It doesn't work both ways. This is on her. I told her to stop deflecting the ramifications of her decision.

 

It was tough, I held firm. A family member is a divorce attorney, I am going to speak with her today. I can not and will not cause my boys to move out of the house

 

 

My ex is very upset now because she wanted things to be civil, I responded if civil means making this easy on you, then no, that is not my goal

 

Good for you!

[maybealone]

John Doe, sorry to hear of your situation. Something here is missing.....Perhaps you can provide some more info about your wife. I can say this though.... Most married women with children do not leave their husbands unless

 

1. Physical/emotional abuse

2. Drug/alcohol abuse

3. Mental illness

4. Third party involvement

 

I really think there is a 5th one for this list: neglect. In my opinion (and experience), being neglected/taken for granted for years takes a toll on one's self-esteem and erodes the trust in a marriage.

 

Your wife is delusional and immature and watches too many soap operas. "head over heels" love lasts a few years and then turns into a respectful, savrificial love. Those brain chemicals won't last even if you were a perfect romancer in shining armor.

 

True, but the most successful marriages I know are couples -- even those married over 25 years -- that still cannot wait to get home from work each day just to see each other. There is definitely something in between "head over heels" love and "respectful" love.

 

I told her at she can't blame 12 yrs of unhappiness on me, if I can't make her happy, then I can't make her unhappy. It doesn't work both ways. This is on her. I told her to stop deflecting the ramifications of her decision.

 

I think you make some excellent points to her. You may have taken her for granted, but she had 12 years to bring that up and did not and she should take responsibility for that.

[worldgonewrong]

I really think there is a 5th one for this list: neglect. In my opinion (and experience), being neglected/taken for granted for years takes a toll on one's self-esteem and erodes the trust in a marriage.

 

Also add a #6: MID-LIFE CRISIS.

[Johndoe310]

I really think there is a 5th one for this list: neglect. In my opinion (and experience), being neglected/taken for granted for years takes a toll on one's self-esteem and erodes the trust in a marriage

 

 

I think you make some excellent points to her. You may have taken her for granted, but she had 12 years to bring that up and did not and she should take responsibility for that.

 

If anyone was neglected it was me. Having sex once every 4 to 6 months for a couple in their mid 30's is not normal. It was not my decision to not engage in sexual relations with her, it was all hers.

 

I am a good looking, make a good living, don't do drugs, abuse anyone or anything, hard working guy who loves his family more than anything in the world. I cook, clean, take care of my kids, and have basically been her bitch for the past few years. This is the payback I get?

 

I wonder who is going to be harder to replace?

 

 

She emailed me today and said that since neither of us want to leave, we will live as peacefully as possible together for the time being

[2sunny]

If anyone was neglected it was me. Having sex once every 4 to 6 months for a couple in their mid 30's is not normal. It was not my decision to not engage in sexual relations with her, it was all hers.

 

I am a good looking, make a good living, don't do drugs, abuse anyone or anything, hard working guy who loves his family more than anything in the world. I cook, clean, take care of my kids, and have basically been her bitch for the past few years. This is the payback I get?

 

I wonder who is going to be harder to replace?

 

 

She emailed me today and said that since neither of us want to leave, we will live as peacefully as possible together for the time being

 

And it was YOUR choice then - to stay married to her - all while you weren't happy... When your CHOICE could have been to divorce.

 

IF she was so unsatisfied with the M - she should have said so long ago.

 

I'd be telling her - NO WAY is she staying living around me and my kids when she doesn't love me = get out now!

 

No consequences for her choices means she will CONTINUE viewing YOU as her doormat!

 

Her decision to divorce - SHE LEAVES TODAY!!! No ifs and or buts about it! There are CONSEQUENCES for decisions she's making/choosing! SHE needs to live with what she's deciding! It should have as little impact as possible on the innocents ones - you and your boys.

 

State it as fact - not something up for discussion. Now she's trying to back peddle so her life stays easy - don't allow her to be THAT comfortable in her decision!

[M30USA]

As a generality, I think women go into marriage expecting WAY MORE than men. It's these expectations, rather than the reality of the marriage, that sets them up for disappointment and ultimately accounts for the reason why nearly 3/4 of marriages are ended by women.

[2sunny]

As a generality, I think women go into marriage expecting WAY MORE than men. It's these expectations, rather than the reality of the marriage, that sets them up for disappointment and ultimately accounts for the reason why nearly 3/4 of marriages are ended by women.

 

Good god - generalize much?

 

Blaming women like a blanket statement is ludicrous!

[M30USA]

Good god - generalize much?

 

Blaming women like a blanket statement is ludicrous!

 

Blaming? I'm not blaming. I'm just citing a statistic and drawing from my own experience as to why this statistic is true.

[2sunny]

As a generality, I think women go into marriage expecting WAY MORE than men. It's these expectations, rather than the reality of the marriage, that sets them up for disappointment and ultimately accounts for the reason why nearly 3/4 of marriages are ended by women.

 

Blaming? I'm not blaming. I'm just citing a statistic and drawing from my own experience as to why this statistic is true.

 

Yes you are.

 

How would you presume to know exactly how much WOMEN expect when they marry? Did you pole every female on earth that got married? I doubt it!

 

Anything you could CITE here is just a pole! A small group who were asked a certain question!

 

For the record - I really expected VERY LITTLE from my husband when we got married - but I did expect him to love and honor me!

 

Post a link to YOUR STATISTIC and lets give it a look...

[scatterd]

{I told her at she can't blame 12 yrs of unhappiness on me, if I can't make her happy, then I can't make her unhappy. It doesn't work both ways. This is on her. I told her to stop deflecting the ramifications of her decision}

She is responcible for her own happiness. That would be unfair and a big responcibility to put that totally on you.

If you are happy with yourself you dont need someone to do it for you.

[plowguy1]

JohnDoe,

Like another poster said before " if I could change any thing about how I handled this I wouldnt have been so nice" dude shes walking away, this is making her run.

I'm gonna be honest with you this is gonna be by FAR the hardest thing youve ever gone through. your case is just like mine and thousands of others Ive witnessed since my divorce. when you start looking into these things youll understand. first off, shes NOT coming back, not that you should want her to.

second, I applaud you for trying to stay in your house with your kids, but be aware, when she talks to her "greek chorus" they will tell her of the dirty tricks she can play to get you to leave.

It is gonna take a tremendous amount of willpower for you to not react. make sure all your interactions with her are recorded. she WILL resort to these things. you standing firm for your home and kids will make it clear that this is all on her, she will not be able to handle that. that woman that you would have walked in front of a train for is gonna do whatever it takes to get what she wants. again you have my admiration, but just know what you are getting into and be pepared. Nice is not gonna help you at all. Be strong, but smart. This is the fight of your life, and your enemy will NOT fight fair

I wish I had more positive things to say, but for guys like you, me and tens of thousands of others its not gonna work out the way you want. start getting used to it and move on you WILL get over it its been 3 yrs for me and Im starting to. dont make the mistakes I made, let her do everything to make her dream come true

[maybealone]

I am a good looking, make a good living, don't do drugs, abuse anyone or anything, hard working guy who loves his family more than anything in the world. I cook, clean, take care of my kids, and have basically been her bitch for the past few years. This is the payback I get?

 

My apologies. When you said you were no longer taking her for granted, I thought you meant you actually took her for granted (not paying enough attention to her, not helping around the house, that kind of thing) prior to her wanting to leave. You must have meant it some other way.

 

If anyone was neglected it was me. Having sex once every 4 to 6 months for a couple in their mid 30's is not normal. It was not my decision to not engage in sexual relations with her, it was all hers.

 

Nope, not normal at all. But sometimes women need to be emotionally connected to want sex. So maybe in her mind there was a problem with the marriage -- even though you didn't feel as though there were any problems -- and that led to the lack of sex.

 

Again, she had a responsibility to bring it up instead of letting the problems fester for years. I'm just saying that it is possible that this just isn't out of the blue for her if she has been feeling there were problems for a while.

Edited June 22, 2012 by maybealone

[Ninja'sHusband]

Yup, marriage is something you make a commitment to. You don't just up and leave if things get tough. You work on it. If she never said anything....gah.

 

She probably will tell you that she did try to tell you though. I'd bet on that, but it didn't work did it? Too subtle.

 

Don't let her blame this on you. She should at least go to therapy with you. There are plenty of resources on building back up fizzled love. If she meant her vows she'd work on this with you.

 

Honestly I kinda do suspect there *might* be some other guy. Maybe she's not involved, but she might have her eye on someone.

 

 

(oh and there are some people here who will tell you to go ahead and divorce pretty much no matter what....there is an ignore feature in the control panel if you need to just skip all that constant negative assault..you can always click "view post" if curiosity gets the better of you)

[2sunny]

Since SHE doesn't want to be married - its up to her to leave and that means the sooner the better.

 

You all should remain as "normal" as you can in daily life without her there.

 

IF she says she won't leave - tell her you're willing to make her miserable enough to want to leave... The. Do that!

 

Since she thinks you're not good enough for her now - start treating her as such.

 

Make demands! Make LOTS of demands every ten minutes! Require HER to stay BUSY being a slave to cooking and cleaning and gardening IF she intends to stay!!!

 

Seriously...

 

I hate to suggest it - but she's not going to change a thing unless YOU make HER miserable!

 

Have her pay more money to expenses than she usually does. Cut off every way she can spend!

 

Do not make life cushy for her! Make sure she's UNCOMFORTABLE!

 

Make sure YOU aren't the one being the doormat for HER!!!