Husband's intimacy with sister-in-law a devastating blow

[merrmeade]

This is actually a pretty good answer. Most threads stay open unless the original poster disappears and the masses just continue arguing with one another.

 

BH - You are so good at charging through the fog before I even start looking for the flashlight and throwing the answer in front of my face. I love it. Thanks. That's what I wanted to know.

 

For all the other well-meaning questions, thank you for your interest, but I'm actually not going to answer these questions here. I think I did in other threads.

[stillafool]

So you're saying this thread is over since you won't answer questions?

[merrmeade]

So you're saying this thread is over since you won't answer questions?

 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to be rude. I just spent 45 minutes summarizing what's happened since Aug. 2012 and then lost what I'd written. I'll do it more briefly this time because it's late, but it's just that I don't feel the need for this thread. I was following two threads recently - Infidelity and the older children............ and Recovery, PTSD, the rest of my life, which I started. Quite helpful. I don't mind answering questions if it's helpful to someone, but I can't imagine.

 

It will be two years in May. The truth trickled out over the past 21 months and I realize that I'll never get the great WS confession from him. I stayed largely to get what I did, which was that he cheated on me several times during our long marriage and it almost killed him, confessing it.

 

There were two attempts at contact by SIL. Once, in the beginning through her friend and in Jan. through Google Friends, she sent H an Acknowledge Me request. I found it, told him and blocked her from his Google list. He's too un-tech savvy to discover it, much less cover it.

 

She's tried to contact me, however, regarding extended family events. I need to let her know that can never happen. The thought of any contact puts me in a cold sweat. I also don't want to be hurt more by her. She said some incredibly hurtful, confusing things to me in the first six months, trying to make me the villain. I felt like an abuse victim stunned and paralyzed by the abuser's repeated blows.

 

I am working at home and fairly happy. H keeps the house, makes the food, pays the bills. W have the kids and their families nearby.

 

That's the short version.

Edited March 11, 2014 by merrmeade

[Iguanna]

I'm happy things are better for you now.

[merrmeade]

Should clarify:

I'm no model of what to do. I did what was right for me and there were lots of reasons, definitely compromises. One reason I stayed actually is that we are getting old and his health is deteriorating fast. I wanted to protect my children from having to take care of him.

 

My stupidity and trusting nature was definitely a model of what not to do, but as people say here - marriage is SUPPOSED to be about trust - regardless of the fact that we both travelled a lot. He cheated. He lied. And he only told because he was caught. He's a coward.

 

I'm a different person because of what I know. I am also more grateful than ever for being who I am. I realize that I never cheated - not because of him, but because of me. I am not sorry or glad; there simply was no thought or choice for me but to work at the commitment I'd made.

 

I remembered recently something that happened during his first affair which he disclosed lasted two months while he was in graduate school during the first year and a half of our marriage. I was 23; we wouldn't have children for another four years. An old boyfriend called late one night - someone I'd really loved. He said he called to ask me to run away with him to South America where he lived. I answered that I couldn't because I was married. He persisted for a while but finally gave up. I told H about the call, and he asked why I didn't go with him. I answered simply, "I told him I was married."

 

H had not been home at the time of the call. He would stay all night at school and work, which I now know was bullsh-t. He was betraying me with another woman and lying about it.

 

So I thought about this: Do I regret turning down the old boyfriend who adored me away for the narcissistic mthr-fckr who regularly ignored, gas-lighted, dismissed, used and generally took advantage of my innocence and trust? And my answer is a deliberated and definite no and the reasons are important to me:

1. The choice not to fly away to South America was an extension of who I was, not because of anything great about him. It had nothing whatsoever to do with him or hurting him.
   
2. I do not hold him responsible for making me a person who could be regularly ignored, gas-lighted, dismissed, used.
   
3. I slowly made something of my life, learned to value my strengths and talents and realized that he is the pitiful loser with deep, ugly character flaws that allow him to lie to those he loves constantly.
   

 

I may need help for a long time dealing with the scars, but I will get it and I will heal. It is doubtful that he will ever let anyone heal him.

[Iguanna]

I totally and honestly respect you and your choice. You must be the same age with my mother, and I want to tell you this: if I were your daughter and knew all these feelings you have, I'd strongly advise you to leave this man - my father. You are too young to be sacrificed like this. My mother got divorced when she was 39, she is 54 now and she is having the best time of her life. I'm soooooo happy for her and I get crazy thinking she could have stayed with my dad and never have had the experiences she had these years after her divorce. You don't seem to have forgiven your husband and you are too young (I repeat) to live like this, in a marriage expecting only to be a nurse. I'm telling you all these things with all my heart. Think about it again please. You are a decent and honest woman and you don't deserve this sick situation. There is still love for you out there, don't let the years pass like this. I'm sorry that I interfered, but I had to tell you my thoughts.

[merrmeade]

I totally and honestly respect you and your choice. You must be the same age with my mother, and I want to tell you this: if I were your daughter and knew all these feelings you have, I'd strongly advise you to leave this man - my father. You are too young to be sacrificed like this. My mother got divorced when she was 39, she is 54 now and she is having the best time of her life. I'm soooooo happy for her and I get crazy thinking she could have stayed with my dad and never have had the experiences she had these years after her divorce. You don't seem to have forgiven your husband and you are too young (I repeat) to live like this, in a marriage expecting only to be a nurse. I'm telling you all these things with all my heart. Think about it again please. You are a decent and honest woman and you don't deserve this sick situation. There is still love for you out there, don't let the years pass like this. I'm sorry that I interfered, but I had to tell you my thoughts.

 

It's okay and it's definitely one of the great things that we get coming here: people who just take our side and offer impassioned support. It's not out there the same way. Of course, I can get angry about what he did and this should be the place that I can dump and complain. But the point is - now that I've been through the whole cycle of shock, sorrow and outrage - that he was the broken one, not me, and he is the one who needs help.

 

It is not so bad or so sick. He is trying and, I believe, wants help. I think that he actually looks up to me now and has made a commitment to me. He has begged me to forgive him and help him.

 

Yes, I could dump him and try to inure myself to feeling pity for him. He would probably go live at his sister's, see his children only when and if they came to see him and I could enjoy myself alone, find a new companion and work at a new relationship. But ufff! Starting over really doesn't appeal to me any more.

 

What I wanted until a few months ago was for him to reckon with his demons, to embrace transparency and eschew secrecy, to need to tell me everything that ever happened - that I should have known and didn't. But you know what? It probably won't happen.

 

But what might happen is that he slowly opens up, trusts more and more and we come to realize some of what we missed all these years - what being married should be about. I think it's what we both want. It's starting over with a much bigger head start than starting with someone new.

 

These aren't lofty or even ambitious goals. But it's where I am, where I was and it's fine.

[merrmeade]

What I'm saying is I realize it seems like I'm living with contradictions but not really. I think it comes down to - for everyone - what you really want and what you believe in. I do not believe in "true love," destiny or love that was 'meant' to be. I do believe that any relationship can be fulfilling with anyone if both parties want to work at it - although some matches will make that easier and better than others. I believe in love and marriage, that you put all your love marbles in that relationship only and make it wonderful. Period.

 

Well, we didn't do that so well for a long time - and I'm NOT making excuses for his betrayals or even connecting them. I'm just talking about us and what should have, could have been. I'm saying I didn't work at it either and I'm willing to now. Period.

 

During the two years, I have questioned whether (a) I could forgive his actions and (b) he deserved to have them forgiven. I have decided that I probably do not forgive him and he does not deserve it either. I also have decided that I still want to work with him at becoming a better person - both of us doing that together - and having a better relationship with him and doing this WITH the knowledge and reminders of what he did. I don't mean it as a revenge at all, but frankly if somebody thinks he deserves that, then, in a way, well, this is also that.

[Iguanna]

The feeling I get from you (no offense...) is that of a really old person who doesn't have the courage to start anything new or do something new in their life and they prefer to be stuck in mediocrity due to the fear of losing it all and maybe some laziness. People do this all the time, people remain in mediocre relationships, friendships, jobs etc all the time cause they are afraid of the unknown. But I agree with you that people should make the effort and fix their relationships instead of quitting that easily. I'm a person who has always stayed way more time than needed in broken relationships, who has tried to pretend that a bad friend would become a good friend again, someone who abused me would regret and never do it again, etc etc. I don't know what it is, this skill that some people have and prevents them from tolerating bad things from others and they can leave so easily when they feel they don't get what they deserve. I always stay and fight. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe I don't love myself that much. And you will stay. You won't forgive him, you won't forget. But you'll stay cause that's what you do: fight. Maybe (I say, maybe) in 20 or 30 years you will regret this. Maybe you won't. Who knows? I wish you the very best, and I'm sorry that I made your thread a little bit of a diary.

[merrmeade]

The feeling I get from you (no offense...) is that of a really old person who doesn't have the courage to start anything new or do something new in their life and they prefer to be stuck in mediocrity due to the fear of losing it all and maybe some laziness. People do this all the time, people remain in mediocre relationships, friendships, jobs etc all the time cause they are afraid of the unknown. But I agree with you that people should make the effort and fix their relationships instead of quitting that easily. I'm a person who has always stayed way more time than needed in broken relationships, who has tried to pretend that a bad friend would become a good friend again, someone who abused me would regret and never do it again, etc etc. I don't know what it is, this skill that some people have and prevents them from tolerating bad things from others and they can leave so easily when they feel they don't get what they deserve. I always stay and fight. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe I don't love myself that much. And you will stay. You won't forgive him, you won't forget. But you'll stay cause that's what you do: fight. Maybe (I say, maybe) in 20 or 30 years you will regret this. Maybe you won't. Who knows? I wish you the very best, and I'm sorry that I made your thread a little bit of a diary.

 

So you're saying this thread is over since you won't answer questions?

 

I opened myself up, thinking I was being rude and selfish, but I don't see any questions or interest that justified opening myself up this way.This thread is going nowhere except right back where it was when I dropped it Aug. 11, 2012 - with me on the defensive to whom and for what? I don't see that anyone is really interested except somebody who's apparently "really young" and judgmental. I'm outa here.

[Iguanna]

I opened myself up, thinking I was being rude and selfish, but I don't see any questions or interest that justified opening myself up this way.This thread is going nowhere except right back where it was when I dropped it Aug. 11, 2012 - with me on the defensive to whom and for what? I don't see that anyone is really interested except somebody who's apparently "really young" and judgmental. I'm outa here.

 

I'm so sorry if you are referring to me about being judgmental.... I think your story was one of the few in here that made me connect with you and talk to you from my heart. I guess we all perceive things in a different way.

[merrmeade]

Most threads stay open unless the original poster disappears and the masses just continue arguing with one another.

Should have left it here HERE and disappeared – and I will – after this.

I started to write Iguanna a PM but decided that sharing it publicly may be a better way to put this thread to rest.

 

Dear Iguanna,

I did read your response to my last post on the "Husband's Intimacy with Sister-in-law" thread. You were surprised and confused. Your feelings were aroused by my story, your remarks straight from the heart. You figure that I misunderstood your sincerity, that “we all perceive things in a different way." No, Iguanna, you need to understand what just happened.

 

I take responsibility for creating this monster in the first place which was bound to hurt me in the end. I knew that tweaking the thread might awaken the voyeurs but did it anyway. Worse, I didn’t just fall for stillafool’s petulant “

So

you're saying this thread is over since you won't answer questions?” – I apologized for being

so

rude. and knocked myself out. Like I owed it just for showing up in this room again.

So

I don’t blame you for walking in, poking around and saying what you saw and felt. Hell, I opened the door and waved you in. Well, please allow me to walk you back out the door, turn you around and show you what you missed.

I’

m

also going to recommend that you read a lot more here and notice patterns in how certain veteran posters give advice or express sympathy, how, when they talk from the heart, it’s usually carefully calibrated for reader’s degree of vulnerability. I’d like to suggest that, in future, you might like to aim your reactions and words in that direction. It’s more than “we all perceive things in a different way.”

 

So

about these veteran posters: I've learned a lot from them and have been helped more than I've helped on LS. It has less to do with age and more with experience, study and reflective conversation. I think the ones that help are careful about how much they say, how they move into an idea and when. They know that Betrayed Spouses - no matter how tough, resolved or clear-thinking we sound - require gentle handling, compassion and patient understanding for a long, long time. They know – maybe experienced – that a

BS

steps on a mine on dDay. Reality, self-esteem – blown to smithereens. It’s because of that the bits of advice are separated into bundles of thick, warm fuzzies on all sides. The good ones help us move in good directions, speak to our vulnerabilities with extreme tact – extreme tact. They know the importance of doing this because they’ve been there.

 

And they’re not always

so

quiet. Sometimes the most helpful message is bloody outrage, loudly exclaimed on the

BS

’s behalf. Often, it’s simply the “take care of yourself” mantra that soothes and heals. I equated it once to a dance of shamans around a wounded tribal member. They touch, they sing and change the speed and cadence to the nature of the injury.

 

And, yes, sometimes as the injury is healing, they might begin to jump up and down in frustration, exhorting the vitim to face the enemy and avenge the wrong. It takes time, trust and good will to make that possible. I think.

 

So

Iguanna, please just think about my “story” for a minute and what you said. Why might I feel judged and dismissed, on being called "a really

old

person who doesn't have the courage to start anything new or do something new in their life ... stuck in mediocrity due to the fear of losing it all and maybe some laziness." Can you see how "sorry that I made your thread a little bit of a diary" might have even felt a bit disingenuous?

 

Edited March 13, 2014 by merrmeade

[Iguanna]

You may be right, I'm not a veteran poster nor do I have the experience or knowledge to express my thoughts in a way that someone won't get hurt. I've learnt in my life to be honest and say things up straight, without filtering them to make them smoother or less hurtful. I have learnt that truth hurts and it doesn't matter how you hear the truth, it matters that you hear it. The raw and honest truth used to always "wake me up", shake me and make me see things in a clearer way. I'm not a therapist, I've not studied how to talk to people. But I do want to apologize to you for causing so much pain and frustration to you. Note please that english is not my mother language, so maybe sometimes I can't totally understand some deeper meaning in something. If you want my posts to be deleted, I can ask from a moderator to delete them or you can do this as well. I'm sorry and I hope you are happy in your life.

[Jonah]

I think you are doing ok merrmeade. It seems that you hooked up with a jerk in this life. Us guys can be jerks, for it takes a bit of mental clarity to understand that love concurs all. If it helps any, you can know that those extra relationships were likely as empty and meaningless as masturbation. For what does he have to show for it other than a waste of time and energy... and both of your lives. May you find meaning in all moments of the rest of your life merrmeade.

Edited March 13, 2014 by Jonah

[gettingstronger]

Cheers to you OP. Even when so deeply hurt you manage grace and dignity. I do so love your spirit and soul. I am the cheerleader type on this thread because I honestly don't know what to tell you to do because your situation is so complex and deep. All I can say is take care of you and don't ever let anyone take that spirit from you. You are truly a special person. Peace.

[merrmeade]

just testing if it's still possible to post here....

[understand50]

merrmeade,

 

I am glad this poped to the top, Wow, what a story. Your Husband, should thank his luck stars you are able to give him any sort of chance in the marriage. You are one strong woman.......

 

 

1418

[merrmeade]

merrmeade,

 

I am glad this poped to the top, Wow, what a story. Your Husband, should thank his luck stars you are able to give him any sort of chance in the marriage. You are one strong woman.......

Don't know about all that but they don't dare write movies this bizarre and heart-wrenching. Soap operas maybe. I'd like to cast the OW.

[William]

The thread starter was apparently unaware of how LoveShack's software works and is now aware. As they originally did not intend to continue the thread with an update, moderation closed the thread and I deleted any subsequent postings not pertaining to the topic at hand. Thanks for your participation!