'Choosing' to feel miserable or happy

[Ross MwcFan]

LostinLife4 makes perfect sense. The way I see it, it can help to view your emotions as separate from your circumstances. That is, it's not the fact that you don't have a girlfriend or that you somehow perceive yourself as unattractive or any of those things that is making you unhappy. It goes in the opposite direction. You're unhappy because you're unhappy, period. And because you're unhappy, you view yourself as unattractive, your life as horrible, etc. It's an illness. Ross, you've taken many steps to try to cope with that illness, but you're kind of stuck with it, just as someone would be stuck with cancer or multiple sclerosis.

 

For instance, OhHey, you're blaming your feelings on your circumstances. While I'm sure that your circumstances have fueled your unhappiness considerably, my argument is that you would have been chronically unhappy regardless of whether others treated you poorly. There are those who are teased about their appearance that go on to be happy people (or at least relatively so) and do great things--Tyra Banks and Lady Gaga are the two people I can think of off the top of my head....but those are celebrities, so they might not count for you. There are other people who aren't famous, who've faced exactly the same adversity you describe, but who went on to do what they wanted to do--who became a pilot or a doctor or whatever they wanted to become, for example, despite other people's meanness. Their emotional makeup allowed them to do so.

 

I say this not to diminish your feelings in any way, but only to encourage you to view your feelings as SEPARATE from your circumstances. Once you take steps to manage your feelings (however you see fit to do so), then you can tackle your circumstances.

 

No one chooses to miserable. But you can choose your reactions to the emotion, although as other posters have said, it takes effort. And I'm not speaking from the outside of depression--I'm speaking as someone who has it. It might not be what you want to hear, but if you have any hope of getting to the other side, you have to take the steps to get there. Choose one thing, and do it.

 

Ross, I think you're already taking the steps you need to take, which is a good thing. You don't just magically stop being depressed or miserable. It takes a lot of effort. And you just have to do it, or else you stay just as you are. And that pretty much sucks all around. And what sucks even more is that even when you make the steps to change, you still feel the sadness. But at least it's LESS sadness, with a sprinkling of happy here and there, which is better than the alternatives. Treat this like an illness, and do what you need to do to manage it. It doesn't have to define your entire existence if you don't allow it.

 

What you're saying makes perfect sense Josie, thanks.

[Crusoe]

And why keep going? Why see stars?

 

I prefer to embrace the truth of my existential, and that truth is that it IS mud outside, not stars.

 

Both are outside, I wipe one of my boots whilst looking up at the other. My choice.

[pteromom]

I prefer to embrace the truth of my existential, and that truth is that it IS mud outside, not stars.

 

Nope. Not the truth.

 

But let's say you are right, and the truth is that your life is crap and you are an ugly fat loser.

 

Are you ok with defining yourself that way? Because you get that, right? That OTHER PEOPLE don't define you? That YOU define yourself?

 

So even if the entire world looks at you and sees Ugly Fat Loser (which btw, isn't true), you can reject what they see and be what you want to be. Just as you are now twisting your thinking to see Ugly where it isn't, you can also twist thinking to see Beauty where it isn't. You know that meme where it shows some goofy looking guy skipping along with "haters gonna hate" text? We all know he's goofy looking, but he's being who he wants to be anyway. That's very admirable.

 

There are all those people who audition for American Idol or talent shows who are just terrible, but they are confident and they love themselves. That's just the opposite end of the spectrum from what you are doing. They are ugly and ridiculous but think they are awesome, and you are awesome but think you are ugly and ridiculous.

[Ross MwcFan]

(Continued response to Josie's post)

 

I totally agree.

 

 

There are people out there who may get treated badly, but are really happy, whereas there are others who seem to have everything, and feel miserable (sometimes even commit suicide).

 

 

Happiness, or miserableness, can be to do with a lot of what's going on inside, rather than circumstantial.

 

It works both ways really though, as I could see a healthy, happy person, becoming miserable for many years or the rest of their life, because they've been paralysed for the rest of their life, or permenently totally facially disfigured.

[josie54]

(Continued response to Josie's post)

It works both ways really though, as I could see a healthy, happy person, becoming miserable for many years or the rest of their life, because they've been paralysed for the rest of their life, or permenently totally facially disfigured.

 

They have done some studies, though, that have followed people after two types of events: something really positive, like winning the lottery, and something really negative, like becoming paralyzed. They've found that within one year after the positive or negative event, people returned to a personal "set point" of happiness. People who won the lottery weren't any happier, a year later, than they were before they won; people who had become paralyzed, while sadder a year later, were not nearly as sad as one might expect:

 

Is our happiness set in stone?

 

In that regard, circumstances still aren't as powerful as what a person chooses to do about those circumstances.

 

I know how hard it is to act when all you feel is sadness, but by forcing the action, the sadness is lessened. One may not be able to choose to be happy, but one can choose actions that lead to greater happiness, if that makes sense.

Edited June 6, 2012 by josie54

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi Ross!!

 

You are doing absolutely fabulous!!!!! YES you are! We all love you on this forum...Some people in life don't even have that.

 

As far as being alone...hmmmm...IT IS OVERRATED being in a committed relationship... IMO.....

 

You will meet someone when least expected, and if you are ever in the states, please look me up...I will cook you one Great Italian Dinner.....You bring the juice!!

[OhHey]

I'll stop by saying that, you know, it's not like people like V and I or Ross sit here and do not want to "get better" and we all wish we could jump on here and say "Wooo! I took all yerr advice I put my foot down and nothing will stop me now!, thanks everyone!! but it isn't going to happen. We don't enjoy the attention in the sense most here think and we aren't having pity party's or want to be felt sorry for.

 

I realize how frustrating it is for people to gives us all this info and pats on the shoulder only to have us basically say, yepp next..... but know this isn't some nit picking from some bullies or any of that....it is way more....it became an obsession and it rules are life and we can't let go of it because we get reminded of it way to often.

 

I myself really am thankful that some actually give a **** about all our rants...it really makes me feel better to have someone acknowledge this. Some time I wish I could come here and say I did it...I'm over it, but those chances are slim and although I am trying through a certain real life program....I doubt I'll be 100% over this....I just want to learn how to cope with the "attacks" better than usual and not let it dig at me so much.

[Ross MwcFan]

Like I said many times, people are never going to get it, what people like Ross feel. To them it's a pity party or the statement above "all in our heads" letting people ruin us. I've heard it many many times through the ages. Like I said before on LS many times....I was fired two years ago for pounding on a guy who stated Quote " I blame Eric for all the ugly kids on my block, you gotta stop reproducing, man" For quite some time I delt with his BS and I let loose that morning.

 

A year before I heard from a different person as he was talking to someone else(I have super hearing) Quote "I'd hate to see his family, probably all retarded, ever look at him?"

 

I confronted him later in the day...told him if he ever brought anything about my family up again, I'd kill him. Obviously shooken up and surprised, he tried to back out of it saying it wasn't said about me. Well it was and he knew it.

Try having a nice day having to put up hearing that kind of bull****.

I've heard it often through my life and if people would just shut the **** up about it, I could probably recover.

 

Think about it...walk around and try to feel sexy and going for a GF while knowing people think you look like a retard. My nickname on that job was "the brain" not fo rbeing smart, but for having a tall forehead as in "down Syndrome" I've been told I am the poster child for down Syndrome.

 

think about it.

 

Like V says....I also get enthused and more avid about life when I don't hear that crap for a while, but....when it happens again, it draws me back down.

 

Before I would make an excuse..."ok my hair is stupid and they think it looks retarded...yes that's it, that's why they told me that....

 

These days.....I honestly will flip out on anyone who wants to try and bring that **** up with me again..... I cannot take another hit, I'm 37 years old and I can't take it anymore.

 

Luckily I am surrounding myself with good people now and haven't had an "attack" in months.

 

I am in therapy trying to accept my looks and desperately trying to hold on to my sanity and figure out how to manage my temper and my thought process when the next attack comes and it will.

 

I truly believed a little while ago that something bad will happen the next time....so I got myself into some help to avoid that.

 

So far it is going good, but I still need a lot of work.

 

So basicaly I am trying to just accept my looks and say F-you to the haters and no tlet it bother me as much.

 

It's my make or break year.

 

People who make fun of your looks, or call you names are arseholes man, not everyone is like that. I understand that it feels bad though and it makes you feel miserable.

 

Personally, the only thing that matters to me is someone's character.

 

If they're bad, then I'll treat them bad. If they aren't bad, then I wont, and if I click with their personality, then I'm happy to be friends with them and hang out with them. Looks, colour, nationality, don't mean **** to me.

[pteromom]

I don't feel sorry for you at all. I see the beauty in you guys and I want you to see it too.

 

I am a person who is far from perfect in every way. But I love myself and I experience a lot of joy in my life. I just want that for you too.

 

FYI - my joy has ZERO to do with my marriage. As a matter of fact, my marriage is the one source of unhappiness in my life. I am one of those annoying "stop and smell the roses" people who gets happy watching butterflies and crap like that.

 

It's a process. You aren't gonna come in one day and say "I did it!" But maybe 5 years from now, you'll be here helping other posters and realize that you've come a long way from where you started.

 

If you keep taking small steps forward, over time they do add up.

[Ross MwcFan]

They have done some studies, though, that have followed people after two types of events: something really positive, like winning the lottery, and something really negative, like becoming paralyzed. They've found that within one year after the positive or negative event, people returned to a personal "set point" of happiness. People who won the lottery weren't any happier, a year later, than they were before they won; people who had become paralyzed, while sadder a year later, were not nearly as sad as one might expect:

 

Is our happiness set in stone?

 

In that regard, circumstances still aren't as powerful as what a person chooses to do about those circumstances.

 

I know how hard it is to act when all you feel is sadness, but by forcing the action, the sadness is lessened. One may not be able to choose to be happy, but one can choose actions that lead to greater happiness, if that makes sense.

 

Not so much for me. Circumstances in my life which have changed for the better, have made me feel much happier, and I have continued to feel much happier, many years later to this day.

[pteromom]

People who make fun of your looks, or call you names are arseholes man, not everyone is like that. I understand that it feels bad though and it makes you feel miserable.

 

Personally, the only thing that matters to me is someone's character.

 

If they're bad, then I'll treat them bad. If they aren't bad, then I wont, and if I click with their personality, then I'm happy to be friends with them and hang out with them. Looks, colour, nationality, don't mean **** to me.

 

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded line. You have to be you no matter what anyone else says or does. Don't go through life simply reacting to what others do. Keep your integrity and always take the higher road. Doing that will help you love yourself more.

[Ross MwcFan]

Hi Ross!!

 

You are doing absolutely fabulous!!!!! YES you are! We all love you on this forum...Some people in life don't even have that.

 

As far as being alone...hmmmm...IT IS OVERRATED being in a committed relationship... IMO.....

 

You will meet someone when least expected, and if you are ever in the states, please look me up...I will cook you one Great Italian Dinner.....You bring the juice!!

 

Lol! Thanks hun.

[josie54]

Not so much for me. Circumstances in my life which have changed for the better, have made me feel much happier, and I have continued to feel much happier, many years later to this day.

 

 

But did your circumstances change for the better on their own? Or did they improve because you finally took actions in positive directions? Taking action usually comes first--then happiness increases. And action, as many of us has said, can take extreme effort. But once the first action is taken, it gets easier.

 

Either way, that's excellent, Ross! I'm glad you're on that road....

[Ross MwcFan]

I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded line. You have to be you no matter what anyone else says or does. Don't go through life simply reacting to what others do. Keep your integrity and always take the higher road. Doing that will help you love yourself more.

 

Sorry but, if someone treats myself, or others badly, when we don't deserve that, then I'd be only too happy to treat them badly myself, it's justice, it's what they deserve, it'll make me feel a lot better.

 

That's me, that's who I am, it's what I believe in.

[OhHey]

One more thing..... The one person on LS that has truly made a difference in me as far as my conduct on here and really trying to turn my attitude around....is Art_Crtitc.

I won't ge tinto how he did that, but it has helped and I have been fairly decent around here a lot more than I have been in years. Practicing my attitude on here has indeed found itself into my real life and it is helping plus it just feels nice to not be an ******* to everyone.... which I really am not.

 

So yes....Art has been a big help TBH.

[Ross MwcFan]

But did your circumstances change for the better on their own? Or did they improve because you finally took actions in positive directions? Taking action usually comes first--then happiness increases. And action, as many of us has said, can take extreme effort. But once the first action is taken, it gets easier.

 

Either way, that's excellent, Ross! I'm glad you're on that road....

 

It was a bit of both. Some things were from me taking action, others were from good fortune.

[Crusoe]

plus it just feels nice to not be an ******* to everyone.... which I really am not.

 

 

That's been obvious for a long time.