Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[gmoore]

NC is kind of like fasting, you are starving yourself of something that once felt so essential to your being, for the first leg you are so so hungry that the pangs are almost unbearable, all you can think about is eating, gorging even, but slowly they begin to dissolve, only to rear their ugly heads on occasion and then finally, not at all. You still think about eating but it becomes separate from the pain, you're aware but the suffering is softened. Once you're beyond the hunger pangs a heightened sense of things emerges, you become more aware of your surroundings and the fog evaporates & you're able to see a little further than you were before. The only drawback is that, at some point, you still have to eat.

Edited June 13, 2012 by gmoore

[Ruby65]

NC is kind of like fasting, you are starving yourself of something that once felt so essential to your being, for the first leg you are so so hungry that the pangs are almost unbearable, all you can think about is eating, gorging even, but slowly they begin to dissolve, only to rear their ugly heads on occasion and then finally, not at all. You still think about eating but it becomes separate from the pain, you're aware but the suffering is softened. Once you're beyond the hunger pangs a heightened sense of things emerges, you become more aware of your surroundings and the fog evaporates & you're able to see a little further than you were before. The only drawback is that, at some point, you still have to eat.

 

 

Yes, you must eventually eat to survive.

 

Fortunately, contact with your ex is not necessary for survival.

[gmoore]

Yes, you must eventually eat to survive.

 

Fortunately, contact with your ex is not necessary for survival.

 

That's where the metaphor breaks down. It feels like it at times, though I know it's not.

[Ruby65]

NC is like going on a juice fast and having a transcendental experience.....

 

.... contact with the ex is like downing a bacon double cheeseburger, fries and a coke and puking it all up in a dirty gas station bathroom.

[muzik_lvr]

That's where the metaphor breaks down. It feels like it at times, though I know it's not.

 

Not necessarily. The metaphor still works. Once you do decide to break the fast and eat again, ideally you would choose a better/healthier diet of what to eat, and not go back to the old foods that made you feel crappy to begin with. Just choose different foods that will make you feel great.

[gmoore]

Not necessarily. The metaphor still works. Once you do decide to break the fast and eat again, ideally you would choose a better/healthier diet of what to eat, and not go back to the old foods that made you feel crappy to begin with. Just choose different foods that will make you feel great.

 

True, but I think what happened is less that the old foods we were eating were making us feel like crap(I think they were healthy foods) & more that she just got sick of eating the same thing every night (of which I was guilty as well). haha

 

Mostly just joking here though it's probably more accurate than I want to admit right now.

[muzik_lvr]

True, but I think what happened is less that the old foods we were eating were making us feel like crap(I think they were healthy foods) & more that she just got sick of eating the same thing every night (of which I was guilty as well). haha

 

Mostly just joking here though it's probably more accurate than I want to admit right now.

 

I was applying the metaphor solely to you and your healing, but I see your point. Either way, I've been following this thread and I wish you the best as you continue your healing and growth process moving forward.

[gmoore]

I was applying the metaphor solely to you and your healing, but I see your point. Either way, I've been following this thread and I wish you the best as you continue your healing and growth process moving forward.

 

Thank you, it's definitely a process, that's for sure! A 2 steps forward 1 step back kind of process.

[gmoore]

It's day 16. over 2 weeks. I want to hate her. She bailed on me when it was tough. She flaked when she started having questions. She introverted when she should have been talking to me about her fears & concerns.

 

I was meeting a friend for dinner and I saw her ex bf there. It angered me. He was the abusive one. I kept to myself. No sense in making a scene. It would accomplish nothing.

 

I really like this quote from "On The Road".

 

"A pain stabbed my heart, as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world." - Jack Kerouac

 

deflated.

[gmoore]

Ok you have come out of the denial/hope phase and now you have entered the anger phase. Want a hint with this phase? Take up boxing. I'm serious. There should be a local club of gym that does lessons. My brother thought me. Now I love it! Working the pads/mits, the speed bad, punch bag, floor to ceiling bag. At the start just beat the crap out of the punch bag at the beginning. Picturing the ex helped me haha. Take that douchebag! and a little bit of this..

 

When you work the mitts at ultra speed and the other bags it is theee most awesome feeling/workout ever. It's important in this phase to do two things. 1) Feel your anger but let it out in the right way, in a healthy way. 2) Try not to stay angry too long (over 3 months is damaging to you).

 

Thanks for the advice. I've been running 3+/- miles a day 5-6 times a week and will be starting p90x next week. I plan on getting in really great shape over the next few months. It will hopefully bring me some clarity. The ladies will also be swooning (including her I'm willing to bet), haha. And then I'll be like no no, you flaked on me.

[gmoore]

I've also got a list of books that I'm compiling that I'd like to read over the summer.

 

I want to brush up on my beat era novels.

 

On The Road

Naked lunch

Desolation Angels

And the Hippos Were Boiled in Their Tanks

 

In Process.

Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Two Wheels Through Terror

 

Others.

Shantaram

Breakfast of Champions

 

I'm going to start a series of paintings as well. I'm going to start doing the research for them at least.

 

I'm a designer by profession but I also rebuild & customize motorcycles. There's a cool garage up the street from where I live now & I'm going to try to get some night & weekend work in there learning to wrench on different stuff and getting paid to do so, a friend of mine put in a good word.

 

I'm also trying to break myself away from the computer as much as possible. I spend way too much time staring at a screen and too little time physically interacting with the world.

Edited June 14, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

can you also add the book 'go suck a lemon' to that list? Great self helpbook

 

Good Idea, I think I will.

 

I dropped off the motorcycle that I built for her today. She wasn't there, which I expected & hoped would be the case. I put it in the barn that was supposed to be my new workshop. It was difficult to be at what was supposed to be our house. It made all of the questions come flooding back into my mind. I chased them out with pitchforks & torches.

 

I know this is "contact" but the bike is her's. I just had it to fix a few things on it and it's being featured in a custom motorcycle magazine. The fellas from the mag came last night to take the photos and write the article. That's why it took so long for me to be able to drop it off. I can now close that little chapter. It's at once cathartic & saddening. It's symbolic, I am letting go.

 

I had my first therapy session. It was good, we didn't get too deep though as it was the first one. I look forward to it though.

 

Feeling a little numb.

[Mack05]

How have you been you doing mate? I haven't been here in a few weeks and won't be posting very much in the future just from time to time. Some weather we are having here :-). It was a nice thing you did would the motorcycle, but I wonder is it a way of reaching out to her? You need to be truthful here with yourself. Are you hoping she breaks NC? Did it really have to be delivered to her now? Could it have waited?

 

Good to see you going to therapy. I think it's something everyone should do at some stage in their lives. I know it helped me even though it took my ages to understand how. I remember feeling very frustrated in one session a few months back and saying to my therapist "What have I achieved? What exactly have you helped me with?". I mean she didn't lose the 60 pounds of weight that I have lost, or she didn't help me settle in really well to a new country, or make new friends.

 

She looked at me, paused and smiled. She then proceeds to ask me two simple questions and I was like "whhoooaaaaa!!Thats awesome!" Clever people they are, especially if you lucky to have a good one. Just stick with it. Trust me more often then not they are going somewhere. It just requires patience and total honesty on your part. I revealed everything. My good side, my weak side, my angry thoughts, my hopes and fears. Everything. I asked my therapist to tell me when I was ready to stop. She told me I would know. She was right.

 

I have been given a lot of tools from her. I have become self aware as to why my relationships thus far have failed and my role in them. I never realised just how detrimental some of my own personal behaviours were. I never heard of terms like codepedency, passive-aggressive behaviour (which I was lethal with). I never understood why I would always react without thinking through the consquences. How my actions were hurting my partner, without me ever understanding the effect these actions were having on my partner. Like chipping away at something, eventually there is nothing left to chip at. If I hadn't gone to therapy, I would always have remained in and out of relationships for the rest of my life. I was never a bad man or a malicious man, but I was a very emotionally immature man.

 

The book Flo recommended above I couldn't agree more. Its my favourite self help book. There is a book Wilsonx recommended to me which I learnt alot from as well. "for men only" and another book recommended "why can't you read my mind". Book 1 is about emotional maturity, book 2 explains women! Book 3 is about communication within a relationship.

 

You are on a journey mate. Many turns and twists ahead. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes or breaking NC. Everyone is right when they say stick to it but we are human beings. When we love we love. Even if you take steps back (which I did, which I am still doing) in the long term its not bad as you do learn so much about yourself.. Just make sure you don't beat yourself up to much. Try keeping a journal. I have found it very benefical. Reading back over it last weekend I was literally able to piece everything together. Like one big jigsaw. I have full closure. No more unanswered questions, no more regrets or anger.

 

You are doing great. You should be proud of yourself and if its any consolation I think she has lost a good man..I hope she doesn't go on to regret it.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

How have you been you doing mate? I haven't been here in a few weeks and won't be posting very much in the future just from time to time. Some weather we are having here :-). It was a nice thing you did would the motorcycle, but I wonder is it a way of reaching out to her? You need to be truthful here with yourself. Are you hoping she breaks NC? Did it really have to be delivered to her now? Could it have waited?

 

Good to see you going to therapy. I think it's something everyone should do at some stage in their lives. I know it helped me even though it took my ages to understand how. I remember feeling very frustrated in one session a few months back and saying to my therapist "What have I achieved? What exactly have you helped me with?". I mean she didn't lose the 60 pounds of weight that I have lost, or she didn't help me settle in really well to a new country, or make new friends.

 

She looked at me, paused and smiled. She then proceeds to ask me two simple questions and I was like "whhoooaaaaa!!Thats awesome!" Clever people they are, especially if you lucky to have a good one. Just stick with it. Trust me more often then not they are going somewhere. It just requires patience and total honesty on your part. I revealed everything. My good side, my weak side, my angry thoughts, my hopes and fears. Everything. I asked my therapist to tell me when I was ready to stop. She told me I would know. She was right.

 

I have been given a lot of tools from her. I have become self aware as to why my relationships thus far have failed and my role in them. I never realised just how detrimental some of my own personal behaviours were. I never heard of terms like codepedency, passive-aggressive behaviour (which I was lethal with). I never understood why I would always react without thinking through the consquences. How my actions were hurting my partner, without me ever understanding the effect these actions were having on my partner. Like chipping away at something, eventually there is nothing left to chip at. If I hadn't gone to therapy, I would always have remained in and out of relationships for the rest of my life. I was never a bad man or a malicious man, but I was a very emotionally immature man.

 

The book Flo recommended above I couldn't agree more. Its my favourite self help book. There is a book Wilsonx recommended to me which I learnt alot from as well. "for men only" and another book recommended "why can't you read my mind". Book 1 is about emotional maturity, book 2 explains women! Book 3 is about communication within a relationship.

 

You are on a journey mate. Many turns and twists ahead. Don't beat yourself up over mistakes or breaking NC. Everyone is right when they say stick to it but we are human beings. When we love we love. Even if you take steps back (which I did, which I am still doing) in the long term its not bad as you do learn so much about yourself.. Just make sure you don't beat yourself up to much. Try keeping a journal. I have found it very benefical. Reading back over it last weekend I was literally able to piece everything together. Like one big jigsaw. I have full closure. No more unanswered questions, no more regrets or anger.

 

You are doing great. You should be proud of yourself and if its any consolation I think she has lost a good man..I hope she doesn't go on to regret it.

 

Thanks man, It's always good to read your posts, you've helped me confront these things and you've been straight forward without being short, judgmental or overly simplistic. I appreciate your input and am incredibly thankful for your insight.

 

As for the motorcycle, yes, it needed to get back to her in a timely fashion as she needs it to practice & get ready for her motorcycle course in Aug. Honestly I hope she doesn't contact me, I don't need a thanks, it is what it is. I think dropping it off and getting it into her hands was more for me anyhow. A way to let go.

 

I'm realizing now that this break-up is actually a really good thing for me. I'm confronting all of these demons that have been following me in my intimate relationships, they're just under the surface, I'm able to bury them & hide from them but they eventually begin to slowly erode my intimate relationships, from within. I realize now that these are things that I NEED to confront and find ways to cope with and be aware of before I can truly sustain a healthy & productive long term relationship. If it's with her in the future I will have put in the work to make it last or to have the strength to know to stay away and move on. If it's with someone new I will have put in the work to be able to build and maintain that relationship and also have the courage and foresight to recognize and acknowledge when things aren't right because I'll be strong enough to cope with any outcome.

 

What were the 2 questions?

 

The future is bright.

Edited June 15, 2012 by gmoore

[Mack05]

The future is bright gmoore be in no doubt about that. There will be good and bad days ahead, but you are handling this in a classy mature manner and I have no doubt you will come out the other side if this a better, happier man no matter what happens.

 

The bad days that are unexpected after 2-3 months grieving are such a pain! It's like being on day 1 all over again. Just be prepared for that. Try listen to people's advice (I know how hard that is). If you have a set back, don't beat yourself up.

 

Weekend upcoming. Not sure what the weather is like where you are, but hopefully its 88 and sunny as it is here! 30 mins left in work tick tock, tick tock. If the weather is nice get yourself to a beach, go into the countryside. Drive up a mountain. After dropping off the bike, I would use this weekend to get away and clear the head. Sure beats staring at the phone, waiting for a call/text.

 

You are using this site great, but turn off the phone and get away from the laptop till Monday.

 

Over 3500 views on your thread btw!!

[gmoore]

The future is bright gmoore be in no doubt about that. There will be good and bad days ahead, but you are handling this in a classy mature manner and I have no doubt you will come out the other side if this a better, happier man no matter what happens.

 

The bad days that are unexpected after 2-3 months grieving are such a pain! It's like being on day 1 all over again. Just be prepared for that. Try listen to people's advice (I know how hard that is). If you have a set back, don't beat yourself up.

 

Weekend upcoming. Not sure what the weather is like where you are, but hopefully its 88 and sunny as it is here! 30 mins left in work tick tock, tick tock. If the weather is nice get yourself to a beach, go into the countryside. Drive up a mountain. After dropping off the bike, I would use this weekend to get away and clear the head. Sure beats staring at the phone, waiting for a call/text.

 

You are using this site great, but turn off the phone and get away from the laptop till Monday.

 

Over 3500 views on your thread btw!!

 

That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going to Boston for the weekend to hang out with some pals & the weather is supposed to be gorgeous.

 

The weekend after that I'm going to do some surfing, looking forward to that.

 

You have yourself a great weekend too!

 

I was noticing that this thread was getting a lot of views, I hope it helps others to read it and maybe they can extract some hope from the thread reading about me going through this trying time. This place has been integral to my stability, it has given me a place to unload, vent & belly ache so that I don't overburden the other relationships in my life. I've also received some great advice.

[Mack05]

haha I am surfing tomorrow! The three new things since I have taken up since I moved here are golf, surfing and cycling. Every Saturday I either surf/golf or get on my bike and cycle to somewhere new. I never have a plan. Just get on the bike and cycle and see where it takes me. I then spend the night there and cycle back on Sunday.

 

Boston is a great place. Here is a video I hope cheers you up. Boston is the setting! ->

[gmoore]

haha I am surfing tomorrow! The three new things since I have taken up since I moved here are golf, surfing and cycling. Every Saturday I either surf/golf or get on my bike and cycle to somewhere new. I never have a plan. Just get on the bike and cycle and see where it takes me. I then spend the night there and cycle back on Sunday.

 

Boston is a great place. Here is a video I hope cheers you up. Boston is the setting! ->

 

Thanks pal! definitely looking forward to blending into the crowds of the big city. I love the small town atmosphere until something like this happens, everybody knows everything. It's hard being such a big fish in such a small pond haha, just kidding.

[Mack05]

Be prepared for a big letdown Sunday night/Monday mate. This envariably happens after fun weekends. There will be a heightened sense of emotions. You probably even noticed you were feeling quite good in Boston. This is in away false happiness and the come down can be quite surprising.

 

The best I can give in this scenario is find somewhere calm outdoors. Have a tea or coffee and just 'feel' these uncomfortable feelings. Deep breaths focusing on your breathing and where the pain is in your chest. I noticed these comedowns was when I was most vulnerable to breaking NC...

[gmoore]

The weekend was interesting. Drank too much. Hung out with many beautiful women. Felt introverted. Compared every girl to her, all came up well short. Drank some more. Ended up at some weird parties. Talked trash about contemporary art. Slept on an uncomfortable couch. Drank some strong coffee. Admired some beautiful women. Wondered what I was doing there. Felt lost. Felt angry. Missed her. Went home. Tried to wash it off. Dreamed about her again. Everything will work out.

[gmoore]

Up & down up & down up & down.

 

I can't stop thinking about her, what she's doing, what she's thinking about, is she having as hard of a time with this as me, will she contact me, will we ever kiss again, what happened, is she truly just done with all that we shared, why know, is there someone else, why not work through it, is she relieved, will I ever forgive myself, will I ever forgive her, does she think about me, what is her view of me, is she just simply un-attracted to me, how did I loose sight of what mattered, is it just simply over, will she want a second chance, did it have something to do with her ex, will she actually take this time to "work" on herself, does it even matter, Mr. Sartre, does anything matter, why did I think our bond was different, did I mess **** up by being too emotional while moving out, did I scare her away, did she just feel like I wasn't the one she was looking for, like I was weak, like I wasn't a challenge, will we ever talk about it?

 

It's only been 3 weeks. It feels like it's been 3 months, the clock has slowed, I'm tired, I'm anxious, I'm lonely. I will pull through but the past couple of days have been rough... Everything reminds me of a memory of "us". Does this happen to her?

 

****.

[gmoore]

Thanks, it sure doesn't feel "great" though. It feels like the woman that I love is un-attracted to me and has therefore moved on with her life to find someone "better" & I'm left wondering how it all came untethered & thinking, "can this be repaired" when in reality it's not even an option anymore or at least at this point(insert wishful thinking portion of the sentence). I'm stuck. I'm being dramatic but I have to get this stuff out. It's festering in my head & I feel like if I express it here it might relieve some of the pressure.

[Mack05]

Thanks, it sure doesn't feel "great" though. It feels like the woman that I love is un-attracted to me and has therefore moved on with her life to find someone "better" & I'm left wondering how it all came untethered & thinking, "can this be repaired" when in reality it's not even an option anymore or at least at this point(insert wishful thinking portion of the sentence). I'm stuck. I'm being dramatic but I have to get this stuff out. It's festering in my head & I feel like if I express it here it might relieve some of the pressure.

 

That is EXACTLY what this site is for. What you are experiencing is totally natural. As well as venting here, I really recommend journalling. Just write your thoughts down on paper and don't edit it. I found it to be a great help..

[gmoore]

The one thing I that is still holding me down is how surreal it all feels at times. I've been in my fair share of relationships & it didn't matter whether I ended them or not, deep down I knew it was the best thing for the both of us. This one is totally different. I thought we were stronger than that, I thought the timing was right, I thought we were ready for something "real". People change I guess. I just feels like a total ****ing bummer to throw what we have away.

[gmoore]

"She just doesn't feel the same way" is what's killing me because I KNOW she did! I just can't figure out where she stopped? It's baffling to me, I don't want to think about it anymore either, it's like she's stealing my thoughts from me. I just want to turn it off like she did.

Edited June 19, 2012 by gmoore