Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[Mack05]

No mate. You can NEVER try to open a woman's eyes to anything. BELIEVE ME!! My last ex has BPD (Borderline Personality disorder). It couldnt be more plain or obvious. I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life. I tried to show her and the results were disastrous. She is head strong, determined, a survivor, her own person. Good luck to her, she will need all the luck she can get and then some. However, I am my own person with my own faults.. Best get my house in order, before trying to clean someone else's.

 

If she is the one and you give her space, she will figure ALL this out for herself. It's not your job to be her hero. It's your job to accept her for who she is and trust she will come back to you emotionally healthy when the time is right. Going in all guns blazing with amazing revelations will push her further and further away.

 

If you read my posts in this thread 4 months from now, they will make so much more sense. Please trust me on that. With my last ex 3 months ago, I described her as my soul mate despite the fact our relationship was pure toxic..She pulled me straight up on it. She was right. It was a desperate drowning man, trying desperate tactics to 'open her eyes'. I have tried so many different things and tactics to show her what I know. Some I am so not proud of. These attempts to show her the light made her hate me more. In truth the way she has reacted, well she wont be on my xmas card list either. I dislike her as much as she dislikes me.

 

If you want that for you and your ex, by all means tell her all your new discoveries, reach back when she reaches out etc etc. The other posters could be right. It may be time to accept she is gone, but If you want to have ANY chance with her? U go NC now and stay that way until she pleads for another shot. Just be prepared. She will come back, but whether its pleading for another shot. Doubtful. Your best chance for her to have her eyes opened? Say nothing until she figures it out herself..

 

Your course of action is simple. Say NOTHING until she pleads for another shot telling you why she is at fault. If she doesn't, then she has not become self aware and you have to look at moving on. I would give this 6 months if you truly believe she is the one. Either way TOTAL NC helps with both recovery and possibly a second chance...She has to help her and she has figured that part out. It's a huge thing for her..That is why she has asked for space. Listen to her...

 

When she comes back (in under 2 months) is the HUGE test for you..Sometimes people don't really know what they want, they don't know what is wrong with them. If you give them enough space (even if they think they don't need it) they will figure it all out..Took me 18 months to get that..

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

oops double post. So you truly think I should say nothing? I feel like its beyond us as a couple. I want her to be good as a person. I feel like I'm the one she confided in about this stuff so it would make sense coming from me. Just a the tiniest inkling, planting a seed if you will, and then total nc. I have to be around her for the next 3 days so I was figuring on the last day I would just suggest she read up on it & wish her the best and be off. It's too accurate, I mean one of her oldest friends is a total narcacist and it all makes sense as to why thier still friends now, their total opposites! It just fits! Even if she's not receptive at first she might have an inkling to research it further somewhere down the line.

Edited May 25, 2012 by gmoore

[Mack05]

I really can't stress this enough. Say nothing! This is a journey she has to complete herself. She has to make her own discoveries without involvement from you. When we love someone we have an overwhelming urge to 'help' them. I know this better than most because I am codependent. I remember thinking if I tell my last two ex's (very similar) why they behave they way they do, why their relationships always end up the same way (great start, then bubble bursts) they will thank me for it. Couldn't be more opposite. They instead seriously dislike me for trying to force them to go somewhere, that they did not have the emotional capacity to go to. In figurative terms (not literal!) it was like dragging them to a large mirror saying LOOK!LOOK! and they closing their eyes screaming NO! NO!.

 

How you think telling her in your head will go, believe me the reality is VERY different. I have made HUGE mistakes trying to 'open' my last two ex's eyes. Both similar behaviours, same tendancies. Not a good idea believe me. They both reacted furiously to my attempt to 'help' and they were so right to act the way they did. It was never my job to help them that way. It was my job to accept who they were, supported them when they asked me and to make it very clear I was always there if they ever needed me.

 

If you are around her the next 3 days then you have three tasks to complete. You state it clearly you Love her and that you will wait for her until she says otherwise. You state that you will be working on YOUR flaws, failings and mistakes during your time apart. You make it VERY clear you both need space and that is imperative you stay NC and that you won't reply if she breaks NC. You explain you are not being cold, but that you feel this is VERY important to you both.

 

You seem to think you will never get a chance to tell her she is codependent. Well firstly you can't be sure to diagnose her like that, as neither of us are professionals. You will have a chance to talk, but it needs to be after a sustained period of NC. If you go NC for a long time you will have so much time to organise your thoughts better. It's crucial you don't react to varying emotions without thinking of the consquences. If you can go close to 6 months (even if she reaches out) you will eventually have a showdown. This showdown will give you an idea of where you stand with her and whether you both have a future or not. If she does not become self aware on her own during your time apart, then you have to accept she is not the one. You need to place your trust in her that she will figure all this out. That is so hard considering you are now broken up.

 

You are determined to make the same mistakes I made. Determined to self destruct any shot you have with her..I didn't get it either when I was given the same advise. The heart is just too emotionally connected for it to listen to the correct logic and reason.

 

1) I am telling you if you tell her she is codependent, she will not react well to it in the long run. She will think you are judging her and she will want to find a guy that loves her warts and all. Who doesn't cast asperions on her. She will turn against you. You may think you are being kind hearted and just trying to help her, she will probably not be feeling the same way about it. Don't find this out the hard way...

2) I am telling you if you are there for her when she reaches out to you (after less than 2 months) are actually pushing her away without even realizing it. By staying strong you are giving her a clear message and while she may be hurting, she will respect you so much more in the long run. If you keep answering her calls, she will be subconciously thinking "he is a doormat". Now you are no longer a couple it's up to her to heal her hurt and problems. Not you.

3) I am telling you the best chance you have of saving this (total NC for 6 months). You are just not listening, absorbing or comprehending what I am trying to tell you.

 

I feel your pain man. You feel someone you love slipping through your fingers it is so awful. Just a feeling of helplessness and having no power. You have a million thoughts swirling around in your head and you want to react to all of them. Now is the time to be cool (as hard as that is). Use this time to focus solely on YOU. Don't use this time to diagnose or trying to 'help' her. Sadly it seems you are heading straight for the train crash. Making every mistake along the way that I did.

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

Mack, thank you for the reality check. I do believe that you are right and I'm re-acting out of emotional pain. It just hurts so bad that I'm acting irrationally.

 

I know now that I can't tell her this, I am no doctor & the last thing I want her to feel is like I'm judging her. According to her the Break-up is about her mending herself so she knows that there are demons that she has to face & does not need me to tell her what they are, she is the one acknowledging it.

 

I will be strong through these 3 days & I'll get what we have to do done and I will gracefully exit the situation telling her pretty much what you said verbatim:

"state it clearly you Love her and that you will wait for her until she says otherwise. You state that you will be working on YOUR flaws, failings and mistakes during your time apart. You make it VERY clear you both need space and that is imperative you stay NC and that you won't reply if she breaks NC. You explain you are not being cold, but that you feel this is VERY important to you both."

 

I think ultimately you are right & I love her too much to loose her forever, I know everyone says this crap but she is truly a beautiful talented & kindhearted person whom I believe has some real demons to face.

 

I talked to one of our mutual friends last night, one of the friends she has talked to about the whole situation and how she feels etc. I was just looking to talk to someone who has known her & knows the situation from her perspective. She basically re-iterated everything that my ex was telling me like that she needed to be alone & to work on herself & that she has been in & out of relationship for as long as she can remember etc. She told me some other interesting things too, she asked my ex how she would feel if I moved on because that is a possibility & my ex responded that she definitely wouldn't like that (obviously who does right?). And she asked my ex if she saw us getting back together down the road & her response possibly in 6-7 months or so.

 

So I feel like she is trying to better herself and get right with the idea being with me for the long haul but she can't do it in good conscience without taking this time for herself to center & better herself for herself & not someone else. does that sound ridiculous? Maybe that's just what I'm convincing myself of that.

 

I want to make sure that I don't self-sabotage the whole thing because I'm in so much pain. I want to show strength & sure-footedness & that I am who I am with or without her. I think that is why we those really great three days together, I was acting ok with everything and just being like, "I trust that things will work out how they're supposed to". It wasn't until I started reacting more emotionally about the whole thing that she started to pull away more strongly and started to dig in her heals. I just have to exit gracefully with my dignity & pride in tact & not say too much.

 

BUT I'm still just curious do I start to reach out to her after 6 months or still wait for her to engage me? I guess I got quite some time to figure this part out huh?

[gmoore]

3) I am telling you the best chance you have of saving this (total NC for 6 months). You are just not listening, absorbing or comprehending what I am trying to tell you.

 

I am listening friend, your words give me courage and a glimmer of hope. I will get through this & become a better man because of it.

[Mack05]

Mack, thank you for the reality check. I do believe that you are right and I'm re-acting out of emotional pain. It just hurts so bad that I'm acting irrationally.

 

I know now that I can't tell her this, I am no doctor & the last thing I want her to feel is like I'm judging her. According to her the Break-up is about her mending herself so she knows that there are demons that she has to face & does not need me to tell her what they are, she is the one acknowledging it.

 

I will be strong through these 3 days & I'll get what we have to do done and I will gracefully exit the situation telling her pretty much what you said verbatim:

"state it clearly you Love her and that you will wait for her until she says otherwise. You state that you will be working on YOUR flaws, failings and mistakes during your time apart. You make it VERY clear you both need space and that is imperative you stay NC and that you won't reply if she breaks NC. You explain you are not being cold, but that you feel this is VERY important to you both."

 

I think ultimately you are right & I love her too much to loose her forever, I know everyone says this crap but she is truly a beautiful talented & kindhearted person whom I believe has some real demons to face.

 

I talked to one of our mutual friends last night, one of the friends she has talked to about the whole situation and how she feels etc. I was just looking to talk to someone who has known her & knows the situation from her perspective. She basically re-iterated everything that my ex was telling me like that she needed to be alone & to work on herself & that she has been in & out of relationship for as long as she can remember etc. She told me some other interesting things too, she asked my ex how she would feel if I moved on because that is a possibility & my ex responded that she definitely wouldn't like that (obviously who does right?). And she asked my ex if she saw us getting back together down the road & her response possibly in 6-7 months or so.

 

So I feel like she is trying to better herself and get right with the idea being with me for the long haul but she can't do it in good conscience without taking this time for herself to center & better herself for herself & not someone else. does that sound ridiculous? Maybe that's just what I'm convincing myself of that.

 

I want to make sure that I don't self-sabotage the whole thing because I'm in so much pain. I want to show strength & sure-footedness & that I am who I am with or without her. I think that is why we those really great three days together, I was acting ok with everything and just being like, "I trust that things will work out how they're supposed to". It wasn't until I started reacting more emotionally about the whole thing that she started to pull away more strongly and started to dig in her heals. I just have to exit gracefully with my dignity & pride in tact & not say too much.

 

BUT I'm still just curious do I start to reach out to her after 6 months or still wait for her to engage me? I guess I got quite some time to figure this part out huh?

 

Great post mate. You seem like a great guy and one way or another, it will work out for you if you keep that attitude up. If it were me if I heard nothing after 6 months I would reach out BUT, I wouldn't be thinking along those lines. 6 months is a long way off and to be honest things will probably be resolved before then. She will reach out within two months and because u miss her so bad you will answer her call. I really really hope you don't. I know it goes against every grain in your body. It goes against all human compassion and emotion, but she has to do this on her own..Otherwise it is doomed to fail..

 

The next few months are crucial. Some days you will feel ok. You will be focused, you know what the right thing is to do. Other days you will feel so sad and weak. You will experience so many highs and lows. Anger, depression, sadness, hope, desire, belief etc etc..You will reply a million scenarios in your head.

 

You need to focus on you these next few months which will be so hard. You have to slowly start mentally preparing for the fact that she might not be back. You can't just stand still and hope for the best. That is thee worst thing you can do cause if she doesn't come back, the pain and grief will be so much worse (delayed grief). Focus on the four main area's of life 1) Emotional 2) Spiritual 3) Financial 4) Physical and for these next few months be a little selfish. This has helped me enormously in my own recovery from two toxic relationships.

 

For me, emotional was growing to be an emotional mature person. Its like a slow reprogramming of myself and my reactions to certain situations. Sometimes I notice old bad habits come back, but reading the book 'go suck a lemon' has really helped me recognise these habits and how to resolve them. I have also focused on my relationship communication..If you can't communicate right, you can't make it work with anyone. The book 'why can't you read my mind' is first class. Last but not least, I am resolving my codependency. If your ex goes to Therapy a therapist will diagnose her in probably 5 minutes.

 

Spirtual for me was reconnecting with god. I am not overly religious or anything like that. I do believe in god though and its great having this feeling of a higher power in your corner when you are feeling low. I try to pray every night and its helped me. I also made a big effort with my relationships with family and friends. I call people more, I engage with people more.

 

Financial was about setting a savings target and hitting it. I am not a money person, my world does not revolve around money but having money in your account is great for self esteem. It feels like you have accomplished something...

 

Physical. My last ex I have to thank for this. She wasn't physically attracted to me. I was over weight and to be honest lazy. After my last breakup I vowed to get back in great shape like I used to me. I can proudly say I have achieved that goal. Lost over 50 pounds. Hard training and a well balanced diet. Now really happy with my physique.

 

If you deal with this in the right way you will be able to take any bad blow you receive further down the line. If she wants you back you will have put the hard work into yourself to be a better partner. I don't visit this site as much as I used to but I will keep an eye out for you. Keep a journal (its VERY therapeutic) and learn to be happy in your own space (no tv etc). When that doesn't work a long walk, hot bath with a glass of wine or venting like a lunatic here on LS works for me :-)

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

I just read the thread about G.I.G.S and some of the stuff lines up.

 

We are both late bloomers & even though I am 31 & she's 28 we both just graduated college 1 year ago last May. We had been talking a lot about moving & even went to CA in March to see if we liked the area.

 

There was definite talk of a future together but she would launch into diatribes about all her friends and how much she disliked how they were & their lives and then launch into how she just wanted to move away & since I didn't entirely understand what she was going through I would say things like I want to move but don't want to run away & we'd have these debates about this idea. I now know that she is likely codependent to some degree thanks to Mack pointing me in that direction & I never knew what she was going through.

 

The things that matched up in the definition of codependency are eerily accurate:

 

 

Denial patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

 

Low self-esteem patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.

I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.

I perceive myself as superior to others.

I look to others to provide my sense of safety.

I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.

I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

 

Avoidance patterns:

I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.

I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.

I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.

I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.

 

Compliance patterns:

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

 

I feel as though some of this stuff so insanely accurate and I'm so upset that I didn't realize or acknowledge that their was this larger underlying problem.

 

I know I shouldn't tell her myself but I do kind of feel like I should tell someone in her family to look out for her and at the very least give them this info. Her mother is a child therapist & I feel as though she would take to the information and be able to pass it along in a non-threatening way.

 

I know it's not my responsibility anymore but I feel like one email to mother alerting her of the potential problem and saying that I just felt like I wanted to get it off my chest and give her the info to do what she will with it.

[Mack05]

You can't mate. You can't say anything to her family or to her. In time you will fully grasp as to why. You are too emotional right now and you are just not thinking clearly.

 

I don't agree with the concept of GIGS. I just think we live in a different era and people don't want to settle down early. Now you have guys on this forum that will give you a detailed explanation of the various stages of GIGS. Thats what makes this place so good. Genuine people offering differing opinions and very few trolls. Your girl being 28, I think she is not looking to party and meet guys. I think at 28 women have different priorities.

 

From what I can see the problem is very simple. Your girl is not happy inside. There is no man alive that can make her happy longterm until she resolves the problems inside of her. The mature girl will turn it inwards and get a genuine understanding what her actual problems are. She will then get the the help she needs and in time will realize what she had in the good relationship. The immature girl who is incapable of emotionally growing, will move from guy to guy looking for him to make her happy (only gettting temporary relief), constantly fooling herself along the way. Time will tell what kind of woman your girl is.

 

I see you making the exact same mistakes as me. I see you not understanding what I am telling you. You are spending time focusing on what is wrong with her, ways of relaying this information to her, instead of focusing on the 4 area's above I mentioned. I did the same thing! Your ex knows something is wrong. Let her fix herself and please stop trying ways of getting info to her! It will not be appreciated! By her or her mother (who will probably think u are a little loopy/desperate)..

 

You seem determined to make the same mistakes as me. Maybe its a good thing. I learnt an awful lot BUT I didn't get the girl...Looks like that is the path you are headed towards..

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[Joaquin]

You are not able to be someone's boyfriend and psychiatrist.

 

You will end up going crazy!!

[gmoore]

Thank you for your honest assessment of how I'm acting. This thread and your contributions have been a huge confidence booster & I know that you are right. And I want to be better & I want the girl & I know what you are saying is the path I have to take. I will do what I need to do for ME & I have confidence that what we had is strong enough that in due time it will come back again & at that point it will my choice as to where I want our relationship to go.

 

I will not not tell her mother. I will remain in NC for as long as it takes (6 months at least). I will better myself. I will save a bunch of money & get my finances in order. I will pour myself into building motorcycles. I will pour myself into my art. I will learn to surf. I will go skateboarding. I will make music. I will sing. I will laugh. I will cry. but I will not let this go without a fight & I believe that you are right to say that extended NC is the only chance & if that is what I have to do it is what will be done.

 

I just have to get through the next 3 days & I can get to work on healing myself & getting back on track. I can do this. I will post my thoughts here before taking action so I don't go against my better judgment.

[Mack05]

Great stuff mate. We got your back...

[gmoore]

Just a hypothetical question. What if we are NC for say 3 months and I've been able to resist her contact for a month or so(assuming she will contact) and at month 3 I get a "I NEED to see you" or a "I don't want to loose you I want to try again" type of message?

 

Do I still stay NC or do I meet with her and see where she's at?

 

is it possible that staying in NC through that could spoil our chances? or will breaking NC spoil our chances?

 

The way I see it(which is definitely a cloudy vision at best) is I have been resisting her contact for a month until she finally gets up the nerve to say how she really feels in a blunt manner so since I didn't respond to her for a while initially doesn't that sends the message that I won't be toyed with or that I won't eat the breadcrumbs so to speak. What do you think?

[Mack05]

Just a hypothetical question. What if we are NC for say 3 months and I've been able to resist her contact for a month or so(assuming she will contact) and at month 3 I get a "I NEED to see you" or a "I don't want to loose you I want to try again" type of message?

 

Do I still stay NC or do I meet with her and see where she's at?

 

is it possible that staying in NC through that could spoil our chances? or will breaking NC spoil our chances?

 

The way I see it(which is definitely a cloudy vision at best) is I have been resisting her contact for a month until she finally gets up the nerve to say how she really feels in a blunt manner so since I didn't respond to her for a while initially doesn't that sends the message that I won't be toyed with or that I won't eat the breadcrumbs so to speak. What do you think?

 

This is where matter of the heart are not black and white. I don't have all the answers. I wish I did, but I will give you my opinion. If you have done 3 months NC in my opinion, you can then rely on your gut instinct/inner voice again. You will be at a stage where emotion is no longer clouding your judgement. This will be your call to make mate.

 

I don't believe people can make real change in 3 months or even 6 months for that matter and you have to keep this fact in mind. Sometimes people reconcile because of 'fear' of being alone and missing the other (that is why she will reach out in 2 months or less). They have another awesome honeymoon period only to realize down the line that the problems that were there in the first place, never got resolved and the troubled partner leaves again. This time for good.

 

However if I were you and she said (to me) I want to try again (say after over 3 months) and made it very clear and passionately, then yeah I would go for it. I mean I love her, I believe she is the one so yeah I would go for it. BUT it would have to be slow. Baby steps. I would set boundaries and if she couldn't stay within those boundaries, I would have to walk away (as hard as that would be). You have to rebuild the foundations/trust slowly. You need to work together as a team and make the necessary adjustments.

 

For me, three conditions would be:

 

1) We do not move back in together for 1-2 years.

2) I would insist she goes to therapy, until a therapist gives the all the clear (I would pay).

3) We attend couples counselling and come up with ways to make our relationship work better, so that none of us ever want to leave the relationship again..

 

This is just my opinion. After 3 months apart and u have focused on yourself listen to your inner voice, but let her make the first move...

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

Thanks Mack, that's pretty much what I assumed would be the answer.

 

I also don't believe people can change that drastically in 3-6 months either. But I don't think she needs to "change" who she is necessarily as much as she needs to acknowledge who she is. I think she has to accept who she is and her shortcomings & to be cognizant of her deeper issues so she can find coping mechanisms.

 

On that same note I have to accept who she is as well and the ultimate goal is that we can work together on each others issues & have a much deeper, more profound understanding & respect for/of each others needs.

 

That seems like it should be the goal anyway, right?

[Mack05]

I also don't believe people can change that drastically in 3-6 months either. But I don't think she needs to "change" who she is necessarily as much as she needs to acknowledge who she is. I think she has to accept who she is and her shortcomings & to be cognizant of her deeper issues so she can find coping mechanisms.

 

On that same note I have to accept who she is as well and the ultimate goal is that we can work together on each others issues & have a much deeper, more profound understanding & respect for/of each others needs.

 

That seems like it should be the goal anyway, right?

 

After reading that post methinks you should be giving me advice. One of the best posts I have read on this site..

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

Wow, thanks. all of this is really interesting actually. I'm not sure that I believe things happen for a reason or there is other mechanisms at work or sometimes we are just more open to what the universe is telling us. I'm rather agnostic really but I do interesting patterns now and again & experience things that seem well beyond the realm of circumstance now and again.

 

Here is a little story about last night. It involves you Mack.

 

So last night I got on this forum & I was reading your post about the codependency thing & how you saw lots of similarities in my ex's behavior and that I should read about it. Honestly your post was so accurate that I burst into tears reading it & then off I went to read about it & I had an entirely different idea of what codependency actually was and I cried reading these symptoms that she so often confided in me about & didn't know how to overcome or confront. I just felt for her in a way that I haven't been able to before, I had been somewhat dismissive of her issues at times. So that really started to connect some dots.

 

But then my friend(male) who I'm staying with during the interim was having a friend(female) of his over for dinner & to hang out. This is where it gets weird. I started talking about the relationship & my new discovery about how she exhibits these codependent traits and she replies I myself am codependent & she starts talking about it & how it has affected her life and relationships and told me about some great self help books that really helped her get it under control. Basically I thought it to be a pretty amazing coincidence but maybe all of this needs to happen for us to be able to understand each other & ourselves.

 

Anyhow I thought it to be a quite interesting evening and she had a lot of really interesting input on the situation and it was really great to hear it from some one who wrestles with those exact demons on a day to day basis and about how it's all about learning to accept who you are & learning how cope.

[jrock4]

Hey buddy, Ive been in alot of relationships and seen alot of things, When they ask for a break its not a good sign at all, especially if everything is so good like u describe... when my ex asked for a break she was sneaking around with someone else..

[gmoore]

Hey buddy, Ive been in alot of relationships and seen alot of things, When they ask for a break its not a good sign at all, especially if everything is so good like u describe... when my ex asked for a break she was sneaking around with someone else..

 

I certainly understand that is in the realm of possibilities and that by saying that it's all her she feels as though she's sparing my feelings. I don't believe that is the case but she needs to do what she needs to do to figure herself out, I cannot & will not cage her. I love her too much.

[jrock4]

I hear ya...I hope Im wrong.

[gmoore]

As hard as it is to accept it, it's her journey now. I truly feel for her and what she's going through regardless of how she's dealing with it. As Mack has mentioned in an earlier post if she chooses not to truly work on accepting herself or who she is she will never be able move forward, she will go from relationship to relationship trying to fill a void that another person simply can't fill.

 

That being said I think I have been the best relationship she has ever been in and it has made her realize that even despite being in a loving & caring relationship she still can't escape these feelings she has because she has not faced them. I feel as though this metaphor might be apt. I feel like she was a bird with a wounded wing & I was able to nurse her back to health enough so she could fly again and now I have to let her go. It is quite possible she will come back but she needs to feel the wind under wings and know that her journey is hers and that she is making choices based on her needs not the needs of others(like mine) like she so often does. I feel I have given her the strength to face these things and now she needs to face them. on her own terms, whether that means being with other people or not? I don't know. I only have her word to go on which is a resounding NO. As much as it hurts to say, it's not my concern now.

Edited May 25, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

I feel so weak, I don't want to eat & I just want to punish myself. I know that's not right but that's how I feel. I have to be strong through this. I know I can do this.

 

Sorry, but this thread is going to act a journal of sorts. It will document this process, my ups and downs & ultimately what comes of our relationship & if we are able to come back together as stronger healthier people who are ready to make a real commitment to each other.

 

As bad as I feel, part of me truly feels optimistic, because if it does come back around I feel she will be ready to take the rest of this journey with me & If she doesn't at least I won't be in a relationship trying to guess where my partner is at mentally.

[gmoore]

Here Is a conversation that I found that was between my Ex Ex GF after we broke up & I went into NC for a solid period of time & really worked on myself only to ultimately realize that the relationship was abusive and unhealthy at it's best. But what I want you all to notice is that even though I totally screwed up on many occasions in the weeks after our break-up by begging pleading & groveling once I went into full NC and got right with myself she really REALLY wanted back in my life. At a point I knew I didn't want to be with her anymore so I tried to be cordial and didn't stick to full NC and she still wanted me back.

 

Here it is:

 

X

The heart is the strongest muscle

 

October 12, X

You ignore me like I am a stranger. Pity. Would be nice to chat once in a while. Although I know typing can cause the delicate carpal tunnel.

 

October 13, X

Hey I have a quick question for you. Did you ever or do you think that cheated on you?

 

October 14, Me

uhhhh? did you? that's kind of random...

 

October 14, X

no I didn't and apparently people think I did and that , that is why we broke up. This just recently came to my attention. Like last night recently. I didn't want to ask you but it kinda hurt hearing that. And I was afraid that you thought that.

 

October 14, X

This is totally unrelated but, I still want to take you out on a date sometime. If you would but let me.

 

October 15, X

Oh come on...

 

October 16, X

you know i want to see you. do you want me to not come on saturday? i dont get much of a response fro you. i want to be able to go to newfane with you i miss the time we spent having fun. tell me if i am just a pain in the ass.

 

October 17, X

i know you go on here and dont answer me. its ok. i want to go tomorrow and not feel awkward. whats so bad about answering my phone calls. i wish you would forgive me for all or at least some of the pain i had caused you. you are always in m thoughts.

 

October 17, X

i love you

 

October 18, Me

i apologize for somewhat avoiding you. i don't think things should be awkward just don't be awkward. i'm not angry with you and i'm not holding a grudge against you. you did what you had to do and i understand and accept that.

i am enjoying my life the way it is right now, single. not that i don't want to date, or haven't dated, it's just i don't feel that after everything we've gone through together it would appropriate for us to go on a "date". the past is the past and you and i have repeated it, i can't in good conscience go on a date with you.

and thank you for letting me know that you care. i care for you dearly as well but you should relax and try not to worry about things so much. well, i'm of to write a paper about the house of the rising sun.

 

Do you see what is happening here? My lack of interest is maddening to her. I didn't want to hurt her but I was over her and I wasn't entirely sure how to handle it. This is in the middle of over 150 messages that she sent me after she broke no contact. We never will get back together but I truly feel like I could have if that is the path I wanted to take. I wanted to move on be with someone new and I eventually met my current ex with whom I had in my opinion(& hers according to her) a very good relationship. We are taking space right now but reading through those emails reminded me of what I have to do and that is work on myself. She'll come around when she's ready. If you were good to her and you were good together she will come back for you.

 

I just wanted to share that. it is not an example to follow it is just for you to see that things do come back around if you let them & when that happens YOU get to choose what your next move is.

[gmoore]

I just stopped by our house to pack up some things and take out a load of stuff before she got here & I notice that she slept on my side of the bed last night when I wasnt here. It's making me feel sick to my stomach. I still can't believe this is actually happening. I will be strong but this is a heavy weight.

[gmoore]

well, off to start this LONG weekend of moving out of me & my ex's place with her. I think I can hold it together. I wonder if she will be able to. guess I'll find out.

 

I'll keep this updated.

[Mack05]

I spoke on this thread gmoore just how hard a test this is...I failed mine. Lost the girl, but in truth I firmly believe I haven't met the 'one' yet. Maybe two years ago if i was in a better place and my ex knew the true extent of her problems, who knows. BUT the timing wasn't right and life is so much about timing.

 

U have no idea just how tough this is going to get. We invariably fail this test, because we are human and we have this enormous capacity to love. Its easy for me to say "do this and do that". Reality is sooooo much harder. If u REALLY want this girl and she is 'the one' in your mind, then you will do whatever it takes to win her back...I told you what that means already. NO CONTACT. NO REVELATIONS!.

 

Fight all the natural urges. Sadly, I see so much of me in you. It eventually just becomes too much. The emotions simply overwhlem you. You say "screw the world what do they know, this is me; I love her and I have got to go for it..."

 

Like u, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I learnt the harsh lessons and its ok if you do too. It just means this girl wasn't the 'one' for you..

Edited May 25, 2012 by Mack05