Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[Gulf-Delta]

You can not trust what a girl in emotional distress is saying, nor can you trust your own thoughts man.

 

This goes both ways. She's emotionally stressed so regardless of if she says she misses you, or hates your guts, it's probably not true, because she doens't know WTF she's thinking.

[Insanityshorse]

Oh, I should also add man, and of course you know this.... things could always be worse.

 

Get a load of this. This all happened in the same month. I lost my apartment (they were remodeling and raising the rent), my car got totaled (driving my ex around on errands), I lost my job (management eliminated my position), and my ex broke up with me. ALL in the SAME month. I mean seriously? Can the universe piss on someone harder? At least I got my health, knock on wood. Haha.

 

Despite all that I'm actually okay though... so just keep your head up man, easier said than done. Everything works out if you give it enough time.

[gmoore]

Oh, I should also add man, and of course you know this.... things could always be worse.

 

Get a load of this. This all happened in the same month. I lost my apartment (they were remodeling and raising the rent), my car got totaled (driving my ex around on errands), I lost my job (management eliminated my position), and my ex broke up with me. ALL in the SAME month. I mean seriously? Can the universe piss on someone harder? At least I got my health, knock on wood. Haha.

 

Despite all that I'm actually okay though... so just keep your head up man, easier said than done. Everything works out if you give it enough time.

 

Wow, that really sucks... a lot. I'm sorry man, I guess you're right, things could always be worse.

[furby19]

Keep your head up. From what I see, however, you seem to be listening to the advice that you want to believe. I will tell you this....when women are trying to find themselves, we don't mind having some that we love with us to help us get through it. There is no way I would break up with someone I loved to "find myself" or "need space" from someone that I was madly in love with that was treating me like a princess.

 

I can't speak about what it means for a man when he says that he needs space because I am not a man. What it has meant for me and a few of my female friends in the past is that we wanted out of a relationship. We (women) say that when something is wrong with the relationship we are in. "She is just not that into you" may be a phrase that may stick out at you.

 

You claim that the relationship was great....it wasn't great for her because it it were she would still be with you and wouldn't want a break. I don't mean to sound harsh but I believe in keeping it real with people. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

I agree with the others that you should be in NC with her for about six months. However, I think you should date other people during this time, too. Don't wait for her. She told you she needed space which meant that she is thinking of going out with someone else if she already hasn't started.

[gmoore]

Keep your head up. From what I see, however, you seem to be listening to the advice that you want to believe. I will tell you this....when women are trying to find themselves, we don't mind having some that we love with us to help us get through it. There is no way I would break up with someone I loved to "find myself" or "need space" from someone that I was madly in love with that was treating me like a princess.

 

I can't speak about what it means for a man when he says that he needs space because I am not a man. What it has meant for me and a few of my female friends in the past is that we wanted out of a relationship. We (women) say that when something is wrong with the relationship we are in. "She is just not that into you" may be a phrase that may stick out at you.

 

You claim that the relationship was great....it wasn't great for her because it it were she would still be with you and wouldn't want a break. I don't mean to sound harsh but I believe in keeping it real with people. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

I agree with the others that you should be in NC with her for about six months. However, I think you should date other people during this time, too. Don't wait for her. She told you she needed space which meant that she is thinking of going out with someone else if she already hasn't started.

 

I think to some degree you're right, this is undeniable. I said some of this stuff to her, like, "I would never risk loosing you" & "if the relationship was great like you claim how do you not want to REALLY try to work through this?". Her responses were something to the effect of "I just really have to do this for myself right now, I've never been selfish & I need to be" & "other people I've told don't understand either but I don't care if these things aren't important to them they're important to me".

 

I don't know. Maybe she's even lying to herself, it's a possibility. Maybe she has someone else lined up, all a bunch of maybe's. But maybe she is telling the truth about needing to be alone & wanting learn how to fill her emotional holes by herself as opposed to someone else? I don't know, It's all a bunch of maybe's & only time will tell.

[mephisto]

Take this piece of advise cause it is the honest truth.

She is controlling you by all these " what if's".

Get ready to be hammered if you dont react quickly cause sooner or later you will find out the truth and it aint pretty!

It also happened to me and it hurt but didnt lie to myself. I take it as it is.

The risks of getting involved with people

 

 

Keep your head up. From what I see, however, you seem to be listening to the advice that you want to believe. I will tell you this....when women are trying to find themselves, we don't mind having some that we love with us to help us get through it. There is no way I would break up with someone I loved to "find myself" or "need space" from someone that I was madly in love with that was treating me like a princess.

 

I can't speak about what it means for a man when he says that he needs space because I am not a man. What it has meant for me and a few of my female friends in the past is that we wanted out of a relationship. We (women) say that when something is wrong with the relationship we are in. "She is just not that into you" may be a phrase that may stick out at you.

 

You claim that the relationship was great....it wasn't great for her because it it were she would still be with you and wouldn't want a break. I don't mean to sound harsh but I believe in keeping it real with people. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

I agree with the others that you should be in NC with her for about six months. However, I think you should date other people during this time, too. Don't wait for her. She told you she needed space which meant that she is thinking of going out with someone else if she already hasn't started.

[gmoore]

To be fair I definitely wasn't "treating her like a princess" the last 6 months of our relationship & I was just kind of letting it go on without truly addressing what was going on. I realize this but I guess I just didn't think we were to that point of no return. I treated her good but we were just at that stage in our relationship where things level out and routine sets in if you don't acknowledge it and she didn't communicate with me enough about it in the early stage so we could right the ship apparently. she turned inward & had the conversation with herself for 3 months before she just couldn't take it anymore apparently. I don't know, all I can do is get myself in order & take things as they come, that's what I keep telling myself anyway.

[Dime_Girl]

Hey All! I'm new to this site and I'm looking for some real-life advice with something I've been dealing with. I know this will be long but if you can PLEASE PLEASE read through it all so I can get some help on this.

 

I'm 20 and I've known my ex since we were in junior high school. We were best friends ever since and we always had a thing for each other but he had a gf so we didn't explore it until after he broke up with her and we started to go out during our junior year in high school. Everything was great until we went to college.

 

Now just to give some insight on what kind of guy my ex is - he's a player. He was a player in high school and I believe he is now but we'll get to that.

 

We went to college away from each other but tried to stay together during our freshman year. At the end of that year, I found out he had been sleeping all over the school with all kinds of girls and he actually had a girl who developed feelings for him and it was rumored that they were in a relationship. When I found out, I confronted him with her on the phone and he pretty much down-played what they had but she was convinced that they were in a relationship but he kept saying they did spend time together but they were not in a relationship... Okay, whatever.

 

Eventually, I got over this but we never officially got back together, we kept doing the "we don't know if we're together but we act like we are when we're around each other" thing. He went to another school in Atlanta for the fall 2010 semester so naturally being in Atlanta there are a lot of distractions. I found out he was doing the same thing he had always done and there was one particular girl he kept going back to; (let's call her Elizabeth). I saw him December 2010 and basically told him that either he cleans up his act or I was done. He said he wanted us to just stay cool until after college and see if we still had any feelings after college. I said no.

 

We eventually grew to be hostile towards each other for the entire first half of 2011. It wasn't until the summer that we spoke on good terms. We went back to school fall 2011 not really speaking but we started to speak more and more all the way up until now.

 

NOW.. I find out that he is basically in a relationship with Elizabeth who 1) has a kid & 2) lives in Atlanta. The reason I mention these things is because my ex lives in NY so that's far from Atlanta and he would never move out of NY and he doesn't want to deal long-term with a child. With that being said, I don't know if he's serious about this girl or if he's just being a college boy because he's an athlete, he's very attractive and he loves the attention he gets from females and i know he cheats on his girlfriend he has now, not b/c I know him but I know for a fact he cheats on her with a bunch of girls.

 

He always told me that we would always love each other and that it doesn't matter if we separated and got new people in our lives, that when the time comes for him to settle down and get married and have kids that he would want to do this with me. He's my best friend and still is and I don't know if i should still wait or if I should move one because he has a new girlfriend. I'm thinking he's in college and he's going to have fun and meet new girls and I knew he would possibly have a girlfriend at some point in time during college but I never thought of it actually happening.

 

I don't know how I can be in love with him, be his best friend (which means we talk as if there are no feelings, which is hard to do) while he has a girlfriend. I want to ignore it b/c he's young and people break up all the time for dumb things so I'm not hoping they break up but I'm thinking if I should wait b/c I'm the kind of person that once I cut him off so I can try to get over him and move on, I will cut him off for good and we have so much history together (friendship & relationship-wise). I really don't know what to do.

 

I haven't spoken to him about my feelings because I feel like he would look at me as pathetic and he has a girlfriend now so listening to me talk about the past and all that is probably not what he wants to do.

 

Let me just be clear because some people may be in denial but I am not.. I want to be with him! I do. Maybe not now because we're so far away from each other, but eventually once we graduate, if the possibility is there, i do. I have the discipline in me to wait for him until we graduate because we have one year left and we're done. So I have no problem waiting but I don't know if I should. I want to let him know that after all our history I feel like I'm waiting and I want him to tell me if I should. I don't even need him to give me a reason but I just want a yes or a no answer BUT I don't know if this is a conversation that should take place because he has a girlfriend now and it may be disrespectful but if he cheats on her, he must not really care about her but this is the same girl he was messing with a year ago so they must have some kind of feelings.

 

In my mind, it's either 1) his relationship with this girl is innocent being in college and will end at college because they live so far away or 2) it's not innocent, in which case I don't want to stick around for it.

 

And I don't know how to find this out without bringing it up to him. Like I said, he's been my best friend for almost half my life and we love each other but idk what to do. Thanks for reading if you got this far and please comment if you can!

[gmoore]

Hey All! I'm new to this site and I'm looking for some real-life advice with something I've been dealing with. I know this will be long but if you can PLEASE PLEASE read through it all so I can get some help on this.

 

I'm 20 and I've known my ex since we were in junior high school. We were best friends ever since and we always had a thing for each other but he had a gf so we didn't explore it until after he broke up with her and we started to go out during our junior year in high school. Everything was great until we went to college.

 

Now just to give some insight on what kind of guy my ex is - he's a player. He was a player in high school and I believe he is now but we'll get to that.

 

We went to college away from each other but tried to stay together during our freshman year. At the end of that year, I found out he had been sleeping all over the school with all kinds of girls and he actually had a girl who developed feelings for him and it was rumored that they were in a relationship. When I found out, I confronted him with her on the phone and he pretty much down-played what they had but she was convinced that they were in a relationship but he kept saying they did spend time together but they were not in a relationship... Okay, whatever.

 

Eventually, I got over this but we never officially got back together, we kept doing the "we don't know if we're together but we act like we are when we're around each other" thing. He went to another school in Atlanta for the fall 2010 semester so naturally being in Atlanta there are a lot of distractions. I found out he was doing the same thing he had always done and there was one particular girl he kept going back to; (let's call her Elizabeth). I saw him December 2010 and basically told him that either he cleans up his act or I was done. He said he wanted us to just stay cool until after college and see if we still had any feelings after college. I said no.

 

We eventually grew to be hostile towards each other for the entire first half of 2011. It wasn't until the summer that we spoke on good terms. We went back to school fall 2011 not really speaking but we started to speak more and more all the way up until now.

 

NOW.. I find out that he is basically in a relationship with Elizabeth who 1) has a kid & 2) lives in Atlanta. The reason I mention these things is because my ex lives in NY so that's far from Atlanta and he would never move out of NY and he doesn't want to deal long-term with a child. With that being said, I don't know if he's serious about this girl or if he's just being a college boy because he's an athlete, he's very attractive and he loves the attention he gets from females and i know he cheats on his girlfriend he has now, not b/c I know him but I know for a fact he cheats on her with a bunch of girls.

 

He always told me that we would always love each other and that it doesn't matter if we separated and got new people in our lives, that when the time comes for him to settle down and get married and have kids that he would want to do this with me. He's my best friend and still is and I don't know if i should still wait or if I should move one because he has a new girlfriend. I'm thinking he's in college and he's going to have fun and meet new girls and I knew he would possibly have a girlfriend at some point in time during college but I never thought of it actually happening.

 

I don't know how I can be in love with him, be his best friend (which means we talk as if there are no feelings, which is hard to do) while he has a girlfriend. I want to ignore it b/c he's young and people break up all the time for dumb things so I'm not hoping they break up but I'm thinking if I should wait b/c I'm the kind of person that once I cut him off so I can try to get over him and move on, I will cut him off for good and we have so much history together (friendship & relationship-wise). I really don't know what to do.

 

I haven't spoken to him about my feelings because I feel like he would look at me as pathetic and he has a girlfriend now so listening to me talk about the past and all that is probably not what he wants to do.

 

Let me just be clear because some people may be in denial but I am not.. I want to be with him! I do. Maybe not now because we're so far away from each other, but eventually once we graduate, if the possibility is there, i do. I have the discipline in me to wait for him until we graduate because we have one year left and we're done. So I have no problem waiting but I don't know if I should. I want to let him know that after all our history I feel like I'm waiting and I want him to tell me if I should. I don't even need him to give me a reason but I just want a yes or a no answer BUT I don't know if this is a conversation that should take place because he has a girlfriend now and it may be disrespectful but if he cheats on her, he must not really care about her but this is the same girl he was messing with a year ago so they must have some kind of feelings.

 

In my mind, it's either 1) his relationship with this girl is innocent being in college and will end at college because they live so far away or 2) it's not innocent, in which case I don't want to stick around for it.

 

And I don't know how to find this out without bringing it up to him. Like I said, he's been my best friend for almost half my life and we love each other but idk what to do. Thanks for reading if you got this far and please comment if you can!

 

Wow, thread hijack! No offense but the dude sounds like an ******* & your communication with each other is nil to void. why would you want him to tell you to wait while finishes up with some other girl? Take a step back & get some perspective, maybe way down the line once you've both lived a bit there might be something there but as it stands you are worlds apart emotionally, physically & mentally. let it go, sooner rather than later, & complete NC.

 

Oh, and start a new thread, people will help you out.

[Dime_Girl]

I'm sorry. I noticed after I posted it that I posted in your thread lol i just started using this so Idk how to use it

[gmoore]

NC day 4

 

Today was rough. Lots of anxiety & too much thinking about her & replaying our entire relationship in my head like a broken record. It's like a tortuous viewfinder up there where every card I pick up is some memory of something we did & all I want to find is a serene photo card of the Rockies or the Mississippi.

 

I'm also starting to realize some things about the end of our relationship. I realize now that, contrary to what she claims, the relationship was not "great". It had been leveling out and becoming "stale" to her for quite some time & only now am I able to see all the red flags that this slow motion car crash was inevitable. It's like I was on auto pilot & assumed that we were close enough that shed just stay no matter what and we'd right the ship when this thing was done or that thing or our schedules cleared up & work becomes less demanding blah blah while in reality I was watching the girl of my dreams lose interest in me one mundane day at a time until one day the toilet finally flushed & I stood there like a fool wondering why we couldn't work it out while she had been warning me for the past 6 months that this was coming if something didn't get addressed.

 

I know it takes two but I feel like a complete ****ing moron for letting such an amazing woman slip through my fingers because I was a knuckle dragging baffoon. I was a blindfolded ape who wasn't emotionally mature enough to see that the woman I wanted to marry was slowly drifting out of orbit & I didn't do anything real about it, I just watched it happen.

 

And then I woke up too late, the all too familiar story, girl gone, boy dumbfounded.

Edited June 3, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

Thank you for your response.

 

I understand that it takes two for a relationship to fail or be successful. I feel like I'm just trying to realize my part in the slow demise of our relationship because she is trying to take ALL of the blame herself so I can feel good about everything even though that is absolutly not the truth. I do believe I was incredibly ignorant of how severe the warning signs were because I thought we were closer than that, or we'll get through this, we're not like everybody else we'll figure it out, excuses, excuses. Whatever I would tell myself so i wouldn't have to confront the shortcomings in the relationship & just keep moving along in the same direction at a snails pace. And yes, right now I do believe if i acted quicker we wouldn't be in this position today but, alas, here we are, we made our choices.

[gmoore]

day 8.

 

Still stuck in a repetitive thought cycle. I can't stop my brain, how she's feeling right now, how could she truly be ok with this, will she get in contact with me, will she want to try again at some point, will I want to try again, is she actually working on herself, how much did she leave out when gave me her reasons, why did I let it go this far, how was I able to ignore what I had, was it just so close I couldn't see it? blah blah blah. I keep looking for answers to questions I know no one can answer, probably not even her.

 

I'm trying to give up hope so I can move on and be happy with whatever happens, whether she comes back into my life or I move on to something else but my brain is working overtime and she steals just about every thought. Is she thinking about me this much?

 

I know I'm attractive, talented & intelligent & I just keep trying to tell myself this but the rejection & abandonment I feel weighs so heavy on my heart that it's incredibly difficult to believe and feel that way.

 

I just NEED to let go, that is the only way. I cannot change what is happening & I have to accept it but my heart has a death grip on the idea that she is "the one" even though my brain tells me to let her go.

[gmoore]

Day 9.

 

Still not a peep. Not that I was expecting one I guess but I still think about it. The load is a little bit lighter(not much) & I can sleep now. Only problem now is waking up, I start to wake up & the realization that she's not there beside me rushes in & all I want to do is go back to sleep & dream away the nightmare of reality. I know that was a little dramatic but it feels that way in the morning hours. As the days sluggishly drag on I slowly begin to feel release. I keep telling myself to let go, that I will be ok, that there's nothing I can do & that I cannot make her want to be with me nor would I want someone I have to make want to be with me. I keep telling myself I have to let go and better myself, talk to other women & rebuild my shattered ego. One day at a time.

[gmoore]

Also, I know I shouldn't be doing this and I won't do it any more but I've checked her FB a couple of times since I've de-friended her & she hasn't touched it in almost 2 weeks. She was on it every night there for a while so I'm wondering what the deal is. I know I shouldn't be wondering but I am. I just can't feel closure even though I know I probably won't ever get it and I need to let go of that idea as well as the idea of her. ****.

[gmoore]

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine last night. He's an older gentleman & I really look up to him, he's a real interesting guy. He & I were talking about my situation because he & his wife know the both of us & he just wanted to see where I was at. He then told me a little about his relationship and told be that he and his now wife broke up for almost 3 years after being together for 7. He was saying that, looking back, it really needed to happen and when they got back together it was a lot stronger as they really knew that they wanted to be with each other and wanted to make it work & they have. They have been together for 17 years now minus being apart for three. They now have a beautiful 3 year old son and seem VERY happy together.

 

I guess I'm posting this because it gives me hope. It tells me that these things happen to couples all the time & the ones that are truly bonded on a deeper level will make it work. I've also been thinking that there are so many stories that I know of where people break up for a spell and get back together and really make it work that I'm almost starting to think that's the norm these days. I mean, it's happening in marriages with people who have kids & I'm so grateful that I'm not in that position. And it makes me think, if we do end up back together I know we'll make it work and we can forgo that episode later in our lives when the stakes are much higher.

 

You have to think that the people here represent a very small percentage of the world at large & that most of them(& their stories) don't end up here. I would also like to say that I'm willing to go out on a limb in saying that getting back together with an ex and having it last has just as good(if not better) of a chance at success as any other romantic relationship we pursue or enter in our lifetimes. Most relationships don't succeed, it's only the strongest ones that survive whether it's the first time or the second. I'm not trying to be pessimistic but rather try & look at it from a realistic point of view. what do you think?

[gmoore]

I am going somewhere with this..

 

I met Andre Agassi last weekend on a holiday to Vegas that my better half surprise planned for me. I LOVE tennis and he is my idol and always will be. I wasn't left disappointed what an AWESOME friendly guy. I was buzzing and bought his book when I got home. I am half way through and he discusses a girl called Wendi. She left him the EXACT same way your ex left you. But like most others she never came back. I thought of you reading that passage. You need to understand yes some couples get back together. Most and I mean a vast majority don't.

 

Right now you are going through the grief cycle. There will be denial, hope, sadness. Then anger, then more emotions. You are not reading or absorbing what has been told to you on this thread. That is why people have stopped replying to you. It's not because they don't care. They do; but they see you making the same mistakes as them before, saying the same things they said before, feeling the exact same emotions..Our words can't stop your pain...You have everything you need in this thread. You are just too emotional to comprehend what is exactly being said to you, even if you feel otherwise...

 

The harsh reality is s h ! t in one hand and hope in the other and see which one fills up first. She will be back I agree with other posters, but it will never be anything more than breadcrumbs. Your heart will race, all logic and great advice out the window and you will crash hard off her rollercoaster. Not much point in replying if the OP can't truly absorb what is being said to him. Living with hope is an utter waste of your time and energy. All your focus remains on her and not you. This delays your grief and in future your pain will be so much worse..

 

She left you..LEFT YOU. When you take off the rose tinted glasses you will realize in most cases in life the special don't leave. They dig they heels in and fight. Not quit..Stop looking at fantasy stories and outcomes and face the harsh reality..That harsh reality is there is a 9/10 likelihood she will never be your girl again...Now is the time to focus on YOU! That line right there is Chinese to you right now...

 

Yes, I understand what all the other posters are saying in this thread. I also understand that I am going through the grief cycle & that all in all the likelyhood of her returning and me accepting her back into my life is a slight one.

 

What I'm saying is that 9/10 of ALL relationships fail bafore they turn into anything. When you take inventory of all of your relationships the "failures" far out outnumber the "successes" & I just refuse to believe that when you meet the "one" or whatever you choose to call it that it's this linear accent to marriage and beyond.

 

I understand the harsh reality and I'm trying to battle my way through it without loosing too much in the process. I am focusing on me right now, I have no choice but to focus on myself and I'm choosing to better myself.

 

I'm grateful for all of the advice I've received on this forum but what I'm more grateful for is to have a place to vent, document and generally discuss these things. I'm using the forum as more of a record of my journey or a journal if you will. I understand and FULLY comprehend all of the advice I have received be it good, bad or otherwise & I am working my way through my unique situation. Which I will work through, regardless of outcome.

Edited June 7, 2012 by gmoore

[Gulf-Delta]

I am going somewhere with this..

 

I met Andre Agassi last weekend on a holiday to Vegas that my better half surprise planned for me. I LOVE tennis and he is my idol and always will be. I wasn't left disappointed what an AWESOME friendly guy. I was buzzing and bought his book when I got home. I am half way through and he discusses a girl called Wendi. She left him the EXACT same way your ex left you. But like most others she never came back. I thought of you reading that passage. You need to understand yes some couples get back together. Most and I mean a vast majority don't.

 

Right now you are going through the grief cycle. There will be denial, hope, sadness. Then anger, then more emotions. You are not reading or absorbing what has been told to you on this thread. That is why people have stopped replying to you. It's not because they don't care. They do; but they see you making the same mistakes as them before, saying the same things they said before, feeling the exact same emotions..Our words can't stop your pain...You have everything you need in this thread. You are just too emotional to comprehend what is exactly being said to you, even if you feel otherwise...

 

The harsh reality is s h ! t in one hand and hope in the other and see which one fills up first. She will be back I agree with other posters, but it will never be anything more than breadcrumbs. Your heart will race, all logic and great advice out the window and you will crash hard off her rollercoaster. Not much point in replying if the OP can't truly absorb what is being said to him. Living with hope is an utter waste of your time and energy. All your focus remains on her and not you. This delays your grief and in future your pain will be so much worse..

 

She left you..LEFT YOU. All this crap about finding herself is exactly that. Crap. Finding herself most times means she feels good outside of the relationship after some time. She will make discoveries that will make her realize (in her mind) she was right to leave. In the meantime you lie awake at night hoping, while she is moving on with her life. When you take off the rose tinted glasses you; will realize in most cases in life the special don't leave. They are perfectly happy in themselves and the relationship. They dig they heels in and fight when things go wrong. Not quit saying "I need to find myself"..Stop looking at fantasy stories and outcomes and face the harsh reality..That harsh reality is there is a 9/10 likelihood she will never be your girl again...Now is the time to focus on YOU! That line right there is Chinese to you right now...

 

It must suck to live life with such a bitter outlook on life :/

[Gulf-Delta]

Yes, I understand what all the other posters are saying in this thread. I also understand that I am going through the grief cycle & that all in all the likelyhood of her returning and me accepting her back into my life is a slight one.

 

What I'm saying is that 9/10 of ALL relationships fail bafore they turn into anything. When you take inventory of all of your relationships the "failures" far out outnumber the "successes" & I just refuse to believe that when you meet the "one" or whatever you choose to call it that it's this linear accent to marriage and beyond.

 

I understand the harsh reality and I'm trying to battle my way through it without loosing too much in the process. I am focusing on me right now, I have no choice but to focus on myself and I'm choosing to better myself.

 

I'm grateful for all of the advice I've received on this forum but what I'm more grateful for is to have a place to vent, document and generally discuss these things. I'm using the forum as more of a record of my journey or a journal if you will. I understand and FULLY comprehend all of the advice I have received be it good, bad or otherwise & I am working my way through my unique situation. Which I will work through, regardless of outcome.

 

You are correct. Almost every relationship that ends with the "good ending" of kids/marriage/etc. had a break in it somewhere.

[flitzanu]

You are correct. Almost every relationship that ends with the "good ending" of kids/marriage/etc. had a break in it somewhere.

 

what? "almost every relationship" that ends with marriage and kids had a break in it? on what information are you basing this?

[gmoore]

I just need to vent about this and hopefully get some opinions as to what I should do.

 

I went to get my mail today and in my mail was a gift certificate to go surfing at a nearby beach. It cover rental & wetsuit for a whole day. Surfing is something that we started to learn together & hoped we could continue doing as something we did together.

 

 

I guess I just don't understand. You're breaking up with me yet you buy me a piece of cake with candles, a really nice beer & then to top it off you buy me a $60 gift certificate? Why go through the trouble to send such mixed messages? Why not just say happy birthday & leave it at that, I mean, you are breaking up with me after all, why would you want me to keep hanging on? Is it guilt? Is she just as confused about the whole thing as I am? Is she just going through the motions(i.e. just used to getting me things).

 

I know I can't try to read into it too much but I'm not sure whether it's a good sign or a bad sign?

 

I'm so ****ing confused it's making my head reel.

 

I know to do nothing right now but it has also been suggested by a close friend that I thank her for the gift but decline to accept it so as to draw a very clear line in the sand. I'm not sure that that's the correct way to approach it though I wold have to make contact & I see that as counter productive right now. I'm thinking I just stay silent about it & let the whole thing play out? I don't know what to do but I do know this whole debacle is like being put through a meat grinder.

[gmoore]

what? "almost every relationship" that ends with marriage and kids had a break in it? on what information are you basing this?

 

Personally I'm basing MY opinion on direct experience with and talking to the people around me who are in either really LTR's or are married.

 

Of the 5 of my friends who are married 4 of them broke up for a significant amount of time & got back together & eventually got married. I'm not claiming that this is the ideal model, healthy, right or wrong. I'm merely pointing out the fact that, yes, almost every LTR that friends of mine are still in have survived some sort of "break" or "break up" for a significant period of time. It's just my observation.

[Yamaha]

Is it guilt?

 

BINGO!!!

She is doing it out of guilt.

It still won't make her come back but she feels better. If it confuses you or you don't understand, that is unimportant to her.

I haven't read your post but you probably treated her well and she feels bad for breaking up with you ( guilt ). It is harder to break up when the other person didn't do anything wrong so to make herself feel better she sends you gifts or acts concerned about you.

[gmoore]

Should I give it back & say "thanks but no thanks, buying me birthday presents won't wipe your conscience clean"?

 

Maybe something less aggressive like "Thank you for the thought but I can't accept this gift in light of our current situation."

 

"Thanks for the gift but I can't accept it".

 

I feel like that would hammer home that I'm not just some chump that you can ****ing buy off & I don't give a **** about gifts I care about substance, I care about action.

 

What does the action of returning the gift say?

 

I want it to say "I don't need your sympathy, I'll be fine without you". does it say that? Because if it says "I'm bitter & hurt" I definitely don't want to do it. I'd rather sit on it silently if that's the case.

[gmoore]

BINGO!!!

She is doing it out of guilt.

It still won't make her come back but she feels better. If it confuses you or you don't understand, that is unimportant to her.

I haven't read your post but you probably treated her well and she feels bad for breaking up with you ( guilt ). It is harder to break up when the other person didn't do anything wrong so to make herself feel better she sends you gifts or acts concerned about you.

 

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for her but there's also the possibility that this is partly her just trying to make everything ok & putting everyone else before herself because she wants things to just be ok as opposed to just owning her decision and worrying about her own well being. This would be right in line with the problems she's having in many aspects of her life, not putting her own happiness & well being first. At least that's what she says, I've witnessed these tendencies but I'm still not convinced that's a reason to break up with someone you supposedly love.

 

It probably is guilt though. She feels bad for what she has decided "she" is doing to me and even refused to tell me any reasons why the relationship wasn't fulfilling her needs & she avoided it only to take all of the blame saying that "the relationship is great, I just have to do this for myself right now, a lot of people don't understand or it's not something that's important to them but it's important to me to do this for myself right now, I am being selfish, I'm scared as hell but I feel like I'm being brave". these are things she said while she was breaking up with me, then she almost went back on her decision but ultimately decided it was what she needed to do. I feel as though a lot of was a total cop out so I wouldn't feel bad but I just wanted her give me something that had to do with the relationship as why she needed to exit the relationship. I just doesn't add up & I know that whether or not she believes what she's saying.

Edited June 8, 2012 by gmoore