Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[homersheineken]

Most women can get a way better meal all on their own. And they do.

 

Irrelevent. Just because she has access to other means, doesn't mean you won't still use dating as a way to secure free meals/dates.

 

If you feel used for a meal on a date then you are going out with women who are not really all that interested in you.

Exactly. You have no idea if a girl interested in you or not after 1 date. You can have an idea or a clue, but not certainty. That can be an expensive mistake. And if you don't think it's that much money, then why don't you pay your share to begin with?

[nothappyjan]

hmmm but what if it's just a drinks date, do you guys think the guy should at least pay for the girls drink? cause that was my main problem with my date that we didnt event pay for my drink!

[homersheineken]

hmmm but what if it's just a drinks date, do you guys think the guy should at least pay for the girls drink? cause that was my main problem with my date that we didnt event pay for my drink!

 

If it's a first meeting/introduction, I won't buy a drink (am I trying to pay for you to like me)?

 

But yeah I'll pay for a drink - just like I would with a friend whom I've known for a while.

 

Do you buy him drinks? If not, why do you feel he "owes" you drinks when you don't feel the same and reciprocate?

[Twenty-ten]

Irrelevent. Just because access to other means, doesn't mean you won't still use dating as a way to secure free meals/dates.

 

Not irrelevant, you may never know if you are dating a girl who is securing free meals just as a girl also never knows if she is dating a guy who is securing free ONSs. Both parties have something to lose, I don't want to waste my time going out with a guy who is only after a ONS but of course I won't know until after I date him.

 

In my experience the ones who want a ONS are the ones who also want to put in the bare amount of effort on their part, that includes being stingy on a first date, amongst other more important and very telling signs.

No time for that.

 

Exactly. You have no idea if a girl interested in you or not after 1 date. You can have an idea or a clue, but not certainty. That can be an expensive mistake. And if you don't think it's that much money, then why don't you pay your share to begin with?

 

 

I understand that, so the simple answer to that is don't take out a woman on a first date, who you barely know, to an expensive dinner. She doesn't deserve so much attention on your part if you don't really have a clue if she even likes you, take her to something affordable that you can splurge on and not feel used. That will ensure both parties will be happy and neither will feel used at the end of it. Not only that, it will show you if she is really just after a free meal or if she simply wants to enjoy your company and get to know you better.

[nothappyjan]

If it's a first meeting/introduction, I won't buy a drink (am I trying to pay for you to like me)?

 

But yeah I'll pay for a drink - just like I would with a friend whom I've known for a while.

 

Do you buy him drinks? If not, why do you feel he "owes" you drinks when you don't feel the same and reciprocate?

 

Well i only ever have one drink if im driving so its not like im going to be costing him heaps. I would shout a guy a drink if he'd bought me one. But not if he hadnt bothered to get me one first. I mean my friends and I always take turns shouting drinks, it feels odd to buy one and not offer the other person one.....

 

maybe its just me but I still like old fashioned values in a guy, but im not one of those hypocritical women who choose that way of thinking only when it suits them.

[nothappyjan]

Not irrelevant, you may never know if you are dating a girl who is securing free meals just as a girl also never knows if she is dating a guy who is securing free ONSs. Both parties have something to lose, I don't want to waste my time going out with a guy who is only after a ONS but of course I won't know until after I date him.

 

In my experience the ones who want a ONS are the ones who also want to put in the bare amount of effort on their part, that includes being stingy on a first date, amongst other more important and very telling signs.

No time for that.

 

 

 

 

I understand that, so the simple answer to that is don't take out a woman on a first date, who you barely know, to an expensive dinner. She doesn't deserve so much attention on your part if you don't really have a clue if she even likes you, take her to something affordable that you can splurge on and not feel used. That will ensure both parties will be happy and neither will feel used at the end of it. Not only that, it will show you if she is really just after a free meal or if she simply wants to enjoy your company and get to know you better.

 

I AGREE it doesnt have to cost lots, it could cost nothing, i know very few women who only date for free meals. DO you know how much effort it takes me to get ready for a date and the cost of the new outfits, makeup etc It would prob work out cheaper to order myself in takeout and eat in my trackies. Plus dates make me soo nervous if i date a guy its cause i think we have potential to turn into something.

[homersheineken]

Not irrelevant, you may never know if you are dating a girl who is securing free meals just as a girl also never knows if she is dating a guy who is securing free ONSs. Both parties have something to lose, I don't want to waste my time going out with a guy who is only after a ONS but of course I won't know until after I date him.

 

In my experience the ones who want a ONS are the ones who also want to put in the bare amount of effort on their part, that includes being stingy on a first date, amongst other more important and very telling signs.

No time for that.

 

 

 

 

I understand that, so the simple answer to that is don't take out a woman on a first date, who you barely know, to an expensive dinner. She doesn't deserve so much attention on your part if you don't really have a clue if she even likes you, take her to something affordable that you can splurge on and not feel used. That will ensure both parties will be happy and neither will feel used at the end of it. Not only that, it will show you if she is really just after a free meal or if she simply wants to enjoy your company and get to know you better.

 

You missed the point of the irrelevancy. You said that a girl has other means to a good dinner other than a date. That is what's irrelevant since it has absolutely no effect on her intentions for the date.

 

I see, so you agree that you don't know about a guy's intentions until after you date him, just like I won't know a girl's intention until after I date her. So based on the fact that both are ignorant of the other's intentions: You won't give up sex on a 1st date, but expect a guy to give up money on a first date.

 

So you expect a guy to pay for the privilege to get to know you and only offer a possibility in the future as collateral? And yet expect the guy to not feel used if you (or any other woman) decides not to see him again since she really knows nothing about him (or intentions).

[homersheineken]

Well i only ever have one drink if im driving so its not like im going to be costing him heaps. I would shout a guy a drink if he'd bought me one. But not if he hadnt bothered to get me one first. I mean my friends and I always take turns shouting drinks, it feels odd to buy one and not offer the other person one.....

 

maybe its just me but I still like old fashioned values in a guy, but im not one of those hypocritical women who choose that way of thinking only when it suits them.

 

So you expect him to buy you stuff, but have no drive to offer him stuff. gotcha.

 

And you are being hypocritical. You expect a person to do for you what you won't do for them.

[skydiveaddict]

I guess I'm just a fan of tradition.. If you take a girl out, you pay for her. Personally I would be too embarrassed to actually ask a girl to pay her way. That has 'wuss" written all over it.

[homersheineken]

I AGREE it doesnt have to cost lots, it could cost nothing, i know very few women who only date for free meals. DO you know how much effort it takes me to get ready for a date and the cost of the new outfits, makeup etc It would prob work out cheaper to order myself in takeout and eat in my trackies. Plus dates make me soo nervous if i date a guy its cause i think we have potential to turn into something.

 

So in effect you feel priveleged (in fact entitled) to a guy buying you dinner because you spend money on makeup and clothes?

 

So when a guy buys you dinner, you get the benefits. When you buy makeup/clothes, he gets the benefit for the nite - plus you get the benefit of keeping the clothes/makeup and then can also use them in the future to make yourself happy or future guys you want to impress and/or date. You benefits are residual while his are only temporary. Not only that he isn't requesting or even demanding this time and money (like you are for the dinner) - I know I don't.

 

I fail to see the fairness in that.

[homersheineken]

I guess I'm just a fan of tradition.. If you take a girl out, you pay for her. Personally I would be too embarrassed to actually ask a girl to pay her way. That has 'wuss" written all over it.

 

I'm sorry, I don't need to pay for people to like me or be impressed of me or to feel manly enough so that this false stigma of wussdom is overridden.

 

In fact, once I stopped paying for 1st dates, my luck with women has sky-rocketed. I don't know where these assumptions come from women who say that there aren't women who like to go dutch. There are many of them - and yes they are quite attractive - typically moreso

[PhillySpecial]

I don't give a sh*t what anyone has to say. Any man who dates me is paying for meals- period. And I usually at this point in my life tend to date established guys so it's never been an issue for me. It's like if you want to date me, you have to do X,Y and Z. Attractive women just have the power to make the rules up, if a guy wants to play by them fine, if not go take your ball and play somewhere else. Cheap dudes don't come within 20 feet of me, I think I have cheap dude repelling pu$$y...lol.

[homersheineken]

I don't give a sh*t what anyone has to say. Any man who dates me is paying for meals- period. And I usually at this point in my life tend to date established guys so it's never been an issue for me. It's like if you want to date me, you have to do X,Y and Z. Attractive women just have the power to make the rules up, if a guy wants to play by them fine, if not go take your ball and play somewhere else. Cheap dudes don't come within 20 feet of me, I think I have cheap dude repelling pu$$y...lol.

 

That's fine. Let some other shmuck pay you for your time (sounds like a profession...) I'll save my money for people who want to spend time with me (as a person) not with my wallet

[D-Lish]

So when a guy buys you dinner, you get the benefits. When you buy makeup/clothes, he gets the benefit for the nite - plus you get the benefit of keeping the clothes/makeup and then can also use them in the future to make yourself happy or future guys you want to impress and/or date. You benefits are residual while his are only temporary. Not only that he isn't requesting or even demanding this time and money (like you are for the dinner) - I know I don't.

 

 

It's not like that at all, at least not from my standpoint.

 

If I meet a guy for a first date and he runs up a tab for dinner and wine that I wasn't anticipating, at his urging- I'd expect that he would at the very least cover his share.

 

I once went on a POF date where we drank and had food- then at the end he claimed to have forgotten his wallet. Made a big deal out of patting himself down and saying "oh geez, this has never happened". Yeah right. Then he tried to make out with me in the parking lot.

 

Split the bill- that is fine and fair. But if you make suggestions about tacking on dinner and a bottle of wine when someone is driving and has said they can only have one drink- pay your fair share!!!

[Chicago_Guy]

I've recently started dating someone. From the beginning he has not offered to pay for a single date. We are on our fifth date at this point and it makes me feel like he's not taking this seriously. We do chat all the time and he does make effort in calling me first. When we are alone he's very affectionate and passionate. He is from a different background than me. I don't know if it makes a difference. He is Jewish and I'm not. We both know that our parents would hate the fact that we are dating. Would that make a difference?

 

He's already told me that he does not plan on dating other people at the same time. However this makes me doubt him. (I know so old fashioned) Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Based on what you wrote, it seems as though you both know that this isn't going to work out in the long term because of the religion issue. That's probably why this guy doesn't want to spend his money on you.

[Twenty-ten]

:rolleyes:

 

No, it isn't.

 

Many guys will offer to pay simply because:

 

1) They know women like you will be TOTALLY turned off if he doesn't offer to pay, even though the rest of the date might have been great. Honestly, you're going to let one faux-pas like this totally turn your opinion of a guy around?

 

Yup I have and I would. It's not a"faux pas" it's a guy who doesn't care to pay on a first date. It says to me he doesn't care about making a good impression.

 

The date could be great but he doesn't offer it would turn me completely off, sorry but that's honest.

 

We could be on our third date and I refuse to kiss him. Then on our umpteenth date when we are about get hot and heavy he realizes that I wear ugly granny underwear and a thick wonder bra. This might turn him off and he has every right to be disappointed and conclude that I am not a very sexually adventurous person. Can you blame him? First impressions, in the early stages of dating can make or break it.

 

2) They're trying to buy their way into your pants.

 

Guys are trying to get into my pants either way on a date, that's their problem not mine. But if a guy is making an effort to do little things to impress me it sends me the message that he values me as a whole I am not just some hole for the end of the night. To be honest with you, I have never had a guy want to pay for a date and then ask me if I wanted to go back to his place, they do however ask when they can see me again. They understand after that first date what kind of woman I am and there is 0 confusion on where we are headed. Coincidentally it's been the laid back "let's go dutch types" that asked to "hang back at their place"

 

 

What exactly do you think it says? That he's not cheap? That he'll "take care" of you? There are MANY more profound ways in which these things will or will not be expressed if you stay with someone for a while.

 

It says he understands what women like, and respond to. So knowing that, it shows that he is trying to play his cards right. That's attractive to me.

 

Men like women to dress provocatively on a date, not just with their hair tied up in a tight bun, track pants and a big t-shirt. They like to admire a woman's curves. I could look just as good in a big t-shirt and old jeans, but I know that a guy would rather see me in something a little more sexy. So why wouldn't I also try to give him what he likes on first impression? Sure I don't know THIS particular guy, and there are exception but I tend to know how most guys line of thinking is in this matter. So I'll play into that.

 

Let me give you an example. My ex would get annoyed if I wanted to split checks - yet I offered to give her TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS after I got out of school to pay off her own school loans. (I was pre-med at the time.) I meant it too, I was as serious as a heart attack, because I loved her.

 

Finally, believe it or not, not all of us can afford to pay for dates all the time. And it's not because we're unambitious losers. I'm going to one of the best law schools in the nation in the fall, but right now I'm broke as sh*t because it took me four months to find a job since the economy sucks.

 

Think about it. You're going out with a guy who you like and is genuinely a good guy and might be right for you, and wants to make something of himself. However, he doesn't have a ton of money at the moment and his options are:

If I were a struggling student that might work for me, but looking back even then, in fact even LESS then, guys just insisted on paying. I am a little older than you so perhaps it is a matter of what decade we lived our 20's in.

 

1) Pay for the date which can get expensive easily

Unless you are going out on dates every night of the week, and realistically most of the guys that complain the most about paying have probably seen maybe 5 girls in one year, then no it doesn't get that expensive to take out a girl for a coffee or a few drinks or sushi for two.

 

 

Go easy at first if can't afford much.

[PhillySpecial]

This is why I choose not to play your f*cked up games. I'm not cheap, I just have some backbone and values and refuse to be used by gold-digging b*tches like yourself, because that's how you're coming across.

 

Wow... bitter much? If you're little policy works so well why are you so angry and hostile? I haven't called anyone out of their name at all, simply stating how I chose to date. I don't care how I come across to you because as I previously mentioned someone like you couldn't get within 20 feet of it. Expecting a guy to pay for the first date is being a gold digger.... really? Where I come from it's simply called being a gentleman. As I said go take your ball and play somewhere else.

[homersheineken]

Though I don't agree with your name-calling...

 

It is a power game for her. She has admitted that. It about money, it's about power. Notice she hasn't said anything about love, affection, nor respect (by her to him - in fact it's the opposite). Again, she wants guys to pay for her time (again it sounds like a profession) so that she can control them with her power as an "attractive" woman.

 

No woman is that attractive. Insecure guys may think so, but to me is the epitome of ugly.

[homersheineken]

It's not like that at all, at least not from my standpoint.

 

If I meet a guy for a first date and he runs up a tab for dinner and wine that I wasn't anticipating, at his urging- I'd expect that he would at the very least cover his share.

 

I once went on a POF date where we drank and had food- then at the end he claimed to have forgotten his wallet. Made a big deal out of patting himself down and saying "oh geez, this has never happened". Yeah right. Then he tried to make out with me in the parking lot.

 

Split the bill- that is fine and fair. But if you make suggestions about tacking on dinner and a bottle of wine when someone is driving and has said they can only have one drink- pay your fair share!!!

 

Um we're agreeing on that he should pay his share

 

What that guy did to you the real definition of cheap (trying not to pay what he owes) and kind of douchey imo.

[homersheineken]

Yup I have and I would. It's not a"faux pas" it's a guy who doesn't care to pay on a first date. It says to me he doesn't care about making a good impression.

 

The date could be great but he doesn't offer it would turn me completely off, sorry but that's honest.

 

We could be on our third date and I refuse to kiss him. Then on our umpteenth date when we are about get hot and heavy he realizes that I wear ugly granny underwear and a thick wonder bra. This might turn him off and he has every right to be disappointed and conclude that I am not a very sexually adventurous person. Can you blame him? First impressions, in the early stages of dating can make or break it.

 

 

 

Guys are trying to get into my pants either way on a date, that's their problem not mine. But if a guy is making an effort to do little things to impress me it sends me the message that he values me as a whole I am not just some hole for the end of the night. To be honest with you, I have never had a guy want to pay for a date and then ask me if I wanted to go back to his place, they do however ask when they can see me again. They understand after that first date what kind of woman I am and there is 0 confusion on where we are headed. Coincidentally it's been the laid back "let's go dutch types" that asked to "hang back at their place"

 

 

 

 

It says he understands what women like, and respond to. So knowing that, it shows that he is trying to play his cards right. That's attractive to me.

 

Men like women to dress provocatively on a date, not just with their hair tied up in a tight bun, track pants and a big t-shirt. They like to admire a woman's curves. I could look just as good in a big t-shirt and old jeans, but I know that a guy would rather see me in something a little more sexy. So why wouldn't I also try to give him what he likes on first impression? Sure I don't know THIS particular guy, and there are exception but I tend to know how most guys line of thinking is in this matter. So I'll play into that.

 

 

If I were a struggling student that might work for me, but looking back even then, in fact even LESS then, guys just insisted on paying. I am a little older than you so perhaps it is a matter of what decade we lived our 20's in.

 

 

Unless you are going out on dates every night of the week, and realistically most of the guys that complain the most about paying have probably seen maybe 5 girls in one year, then no it doesn't get that expensive to take out a girl for a coffee or a few drinks or sushi for two.

 

 

Go easy at first if can't afford much.

 

You've just said that his lack of financing your dinner is the biggest impression on you. It's because you're more impressed with money than any other trait of his (intelligence, humor, personality) which is shallow.

 

You don't know what a "guy" wants to see on a first date. You're making a sweeping generalization. I would think it's awesome if you just wore jeans and a t-shirt. I could care less. If you're physically attractive, I"m going to see it anyways - regardless of what you wear. Do you really want a guy who only finds you attractive in the 'best' clothes?

 

Btw - I could care less about your bra. Actually I would make a joke about it, having fun with it and think you're cool for wearing it. To me it shows confidence in yourself, not in the power materialism.

[PhillySpecial]

That's fine. Let some other shmuck pay you for your time (sounds like a profession...) I'll save my money for people who want to spend time with me (as a person) not with my wallet

 

The men I go out with are called gentlemen, you are obviously a little boy.

If you're saving your money for people who want to spend time with you I'm making a prediction you'll be a very rich man one day . I can almost guarantee that you're poor. Men with good jobs and good income don't even talk this way. They don't think twice about taking a woman out to dinner and paying. I mean seriously, are there any lawyer, doctor, professional businessn men who would even think twice about paying for dates. :lmao:

[skydiveaddict]

Honestly, I cant think of a date when I didn't pay the bill. I think Philly is right, it's just what a gentleman does

[homersheineken]

Hey, I'm just calling it like I see it. I've come across as a complete tool in my life at times. People have called me on it, and I respected them more for it, in addition to the fact I was forced to take a look at myself. You have to say stuff that's pretty outlandish to get me to insult you, and what she said qualifies.

 

I'm with you. No woman is that attractive. I've talked to girls in my life that were stunning looks-wise, then I found out what they were about and I lost about 95 percent of my interest. Whether or not they were interested in me was then totally irrelevant, because besides sex or being able to say I'm dating a hottie, what would I possibly want to have to do with them?

 

I'm calling it how I see it too. Just think your argument is stronger without personal and juvenile name calling

[D-Lish]

Well, DID he actually forget his wallet? Stuff happens. But if he was lying, yeah, you probably wouldn't want to see that cat again.

 

As far as what else you said, I totally agree. The very last thing I would do is to ask a date to cover me.

 

Of course stuff happens- But I check my purse and make sure my wallet is there before I leave my house everyday- don't you? He was very skinny A part of me wondered if he was dating to feed and indulge himself.

 

I am always into splitting a first date. I feel uncomfortable when someone else pays for me- I don't know why, it's just a thing for me. My female friends often tell me I should measure a man on whether on not he pays on a date. I gravitate toward the notion that I am satisfied if he offers- but more comfortable if we split. Once you get into a serious relationship, you can go back and forth- reciprocate if you will.

 

Here's what I think of the Op's first date... If the guy was interested when he first saw her, he would have bought her a drink to set the pace. I'd think that was cool, then I'd offer to pay for the second round.

 

If I meet someone for a first date- I always pull out my wallet and offer to pay half. I insist on paying half if I know I don't want to see him again...

If I meet a guy that insists on paying for the first date, and I know I want to go out with him again, he can pay- and I'll reciprocate in the future.

 

I just think it's kind of crappy that he ordered food and wine the OP said she couldn't have, and then let her pay more than her share.

[homersheineken]

The men I go out with are called gentlemen, you are obviously a little boy.

If you're saving your money for people who want to spend time with you I'm making a prediction you'll be a very rich man one day . I can almost guarantee that you're poor. Men with good jobs and good income don't even talk this way. They don't think twice about taking a woman out to dinner and paying. I mean seriously, are there any lawyer, doctor, professional businessn men who would even think twice about paying for dates. :lmao:

 

Ad hominem.

 

With every post, you're looking more and more like a gold-digger who uses guys for money - just like a prostitute.