Question for wives that left and came back

[SomedayDig]

Yeah, but she stopped on her own and that is something most folks cannot do.

 

That is true.

[Bellechica]

She is stubborn. In fact the last conversation she initiated started out with "we're both too subborn, I messed up and lied about where I was going and you messed up by asking for a divorce and moving into the guest bedroom". Little things come back to me here and there as we discuss this. She also told me I need to find someone "less needy" than her.

 

She sounds like she has major self-esteem issues. That comment about you deserving someone "less needy" could also be taken that she is pushing you away to see if you'll come after her. She seems like she needs you to validate her self worth.

Sounds kind mind games to me....

[BugsyK]

Yes, MC says it's possible she wants me to fight for her. MC obviously leaves the decision making up to me and I feel the best route is to continue taking care of myself with no expectations and if she does reach out to go from there. It's very hard. I had to come up to our vacation home this weekend to pay a guy for some work he did. We had a lot of good times here and when I heard she was checking on me of course my mind began to wonder what's going on.

[Owl]

Bugsy...here's what I see.

 

She's treated you badly.

 

Women can't respect a man that they treat badly and get away with it.

 

Women can't remain in love with a man that she can't respect.

 

Your wife treated you badly, and she expected you to "fight" to save the marriage...and when you passively accepted her actions, she lost respect for you.

 

Here's what you need to do.

 

You need to decide what you want to happen...reconciliation, or divorce. Which goal is it that you want.

 

Decide on your goal, develop a plan, and take POSITIVE, IMMEDIATE action to obtain that goal.

 

Taking that action will actually be attractive to your wife. It will garner her respect.

 

If you want to reconcile...contact her, tell her that, and insist on whatever measures you feel are needed to begin reconciliation (and I'm willing to post my thoughts on that if you're interested).

 

If you don't want to reconcile, don't delay on filing for divorce, and don't hestitate in taking whatever legal measures you need to in order to protect yourself.

[BugsyK]

Thanks Owl, I believe I would like to work things out but it seems hopeless with the distance she has created. In particular since she is close to the suspected OM now. If you have some ideas on developing a plan I would like to hear them.

[2sunny]

Thanks Owl, I believe I would like to work things out but it seems hopeless with the distance she has created. In particular since she is close to the suspected OM now. If you have some ideas on developing a plan I would like to hear them.

 

I think your initial idea/ reaction was best - and based on intuition and instinct. Good riddance of sorts... Based on her cheating at least twice.

 

A woman doesn't move FAR away because she lives YOU - it's because she thinks she loves who she moved closer to! That tells you everything she's never going to tell you with words.

 

Cheaters cheat - its just a matter now of deciding if you intend to INVITE the cheater back into your life or cut the cheater out for good...

 

You DO have choices.

 

Never settle!!!

[Bellechica]

Thanks Owl, I believe I would like to work things out but it seems hopeless with the distance she has created. In particular since she is close to the suspected OM now. If you have some ideas on developing a plan I would like to hear them.

 

Bugsy, I don't know how you can start this process. If you can prove her A then put the evidence in her face and tell her she has to end it and never see the OM again. You need to tell her that if you are willing to take her back she is going to have to devote 100 percent of herself to rebuilding your trust. She needs to be remorseful.

 

Also, why exactly do you want to give her another chance? Why do you want her back in your life?

[96nole]

Thanks Owl, I believe I would like to work things out but it seems hopeless with the distance she has created. In particular since she is close to the suspected OM now. If you have some ideas on developing a plan I would like to hear them.

 

Dude, RUN!!!

 

She has now done it twice. She has moved to be closer to the OM. If you bring her back you are a complete door mat. Just stop it.

 

It's not hopeless because she is far away. It's hopeless because she WILL DO IT AGAIN!!!

 

I saw a saying the other day, "Giving someone a second chance is like giving them a second bullet to shoot you with because they missed the first time."

 

You already gave her the second bullet. She shot you with it. How many more shots are you going to give her? How many more times do you need to go through this?

[BugsyK]

I hear you and logically I know I should walk. Everyone keeps bringing up th fact that there are no kids like it's no big deal. 5 years dating, 17 years married and even if we don't have kids there is family. We were initially pretty poor and managed to build a pretty good life together. We have many things in common and have travelled a lot. I would admit that I may have become complacent and maybe taken her for granted. She probably did the same to me. I don't want to offend anyone but have you taken a look around lately and seen the datinf scene? Why are most of you here? Are you all walking away from someone? Did someone do you wrong and now you're bitter. How many of you got divorced and struggle with it? How many reconciled and are now happy? I'm not sure one size fits all when it comes to relationships. Yes, she cheated once and it appears she's at it again 7 or 8 years later but we do have a lot of good memories and were building a future together. Believe me, I struggle with this.

[BugsyK]

By the way, right now I'm reading "The Journey From Abandonement To Healing" by Susan Anderson. I don't know if any of you are familiar with this book but a lot of whats in it explains why I feel the way I feel.

[Bellechica]

I hear you and logically I know I should walk. Everyone keeps bringing up th fact that there are no kids like it's no big deal. 5 years dating, 17 years married and even if we don't have kids there is family. We were initially pretty poor and managed to build a pretty good life together. We have many things in common and have travelled a lot. I would admit that I may have become complacent and maybe taken her for granted. She probably did the same to me. I don't want to offend anyone but have you taken a look around lately and seen the datinf scene? Why are most of you here? Are you all walking away from someone? Did someone do you wrong and now you're bitter. How many of you got divorced and struggle with it? How many reconciled and are now happy? I'm not sure one size fits all when it comes to relationships. Yes, she cheated once and it appears she's at it again 7 or 8 years later but we do have a lot of good memories and were building a future together. Believe me, I struggle with this.

 

To answer your questions, I'm on LS because it helps me in between my IC sessions and reading other's stories lets me know I'm not the only screw up in the world. I'm here because I never want to have another A. I want to rebuild my M. My H and I were complacent. We aren't any more. We are both working on our R. I think we are happier than we've been in years. I know I could get a D and probably meet and date men, but I don't want to. I want my H. We have so much to be thankful for and I agree with you, it's hard to let those memories go. Marriage takes work, but both parties must be willing. I haven't read that book.

[Bryanp]

Yet Belichica you continue to be dishonest with your husband and refuse to tell him of your two sexual affairs. You have and continue to disrespect your husband in the worst possible way. You simply do not wish to suffer the consequences from your actions. How you can continue to play your husband as a fool is disgusting.

[BugsyK]

Thanks Belle, I believe abandonement and cheating are the worst kind of betrayal. You are proof that it is possible to work things out if both people are commited. Maybe if I had solid proof that she has another man it would be easier to get angry and walk. But for now I'm in limbo and it's not a good place to be.

[SomedayDig]

Yet Belichica you continue to be dishonest with your husband and refuse to tell him of your two sexual affairs. You have and continue to disrespect your husband in the worst possible way. You simply do not wish to suffer the consequences from your actions. How you can continue to play your husband as a fool is disgusting.

 

Exactly. Belle, how can you say you and your husband are working on reconciliation when he has absolutely NO idea what you have done?!! There is nothing to rebuild when nothing has been spoken of.

[Owl]

Thanks Owl, I believe I would like to work things out but it seems hopeless with the distance she has created. In particular since she is close to the suspected OM now. If you have some ideas on developing a plan I would like to hear them.

 

Point blank ask her what it is she wants/sees for the two of you.

 

You've tried to file, but she refused to sign.

 

But now she's away living near OM.

 

Tell her you need her to tell you today what it is that SHE wants. She has to make a choice....today, right now. She either wants to reconcile, or wants divorce...which is it?

 

If she says reconcile, thank her. Tell her that's what you wanted to hear from her. In order for YOU to consider reconciliation, she'll need to:

 

1. Remove OM from her life, completely and totally.

2. Come home so that the two of you can begin working TOGETHER on fixing what's wrong in the relationship.

3. Agree to marriage counseling.

4. Demonstrate to you that she's 100% committed to the relationship by becoming completely transparent to you. No more surprises like what happened.

 

If she refuses or balks, don't get angry. Tell her you're sorry to hear that, but clearly you misunderstood and she asked you for a divorce instead.

 

In that case she needs to:

1. Sign the papers ASAP.

2. Begin working with you immediately to seperate finances (both debts and assets), and to begin working on removing her from your home.

 

Let her know you'll start boxing up the things that are absolutely hers immediately so that she can quickly and easily have them removed. Once you agree on the joint items, you'll get those into a seperate room so that she can get them out as soon as possible.

 

See what I'm talking about here? IMMEDIATE actions, have a plan in place for either option, and DO NOT NEGOTIATE. She's either in, or out. She can choose which, but she cannot waffle or attempt to force you to accept any other alternatives.

[BugsyK]

Owl, she's already moved out. She is about 1000 miles from our home. I already suggested MC before she left and she declined.

[96nole]

I hear you and logically I know I should walk. Everyone keeps bringing up th fact that there are no kids like it's no big deal. 5 years dating, 17 years married and even if we don't have kids there is family. We were initially pretty poor and managed to build a pretty good life together. We have many things in common and have travelled a lot. I would admit that I may have become complacent and maybe taken her for granted. She probably did the same to me. I don't want to offend anyone but have you taken a look around lately and seen the datinf scene? Why are most of you here? Are you all walking away from someone? Did someone do you wrong and now you're bitter. How many of you got divorced and struggle with it? How many reconciled and are now happy? I'm not sure one size fits all when it comes to relationships. Yes, she cheated once and it appears she's at it again 7 or 8 years later but we do have a lot of good memories and were building a future together. Believe me, I struggle with this.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm 3.5 months out from throwing my STBX out. That was the second time this year she cheated on me with the dirtbag. She's still with him. The divorce will be final next Thursday.

 

We were together for 15 years. No kids. Traveled to a lot of places. Both sides of the family got along great. We also started out with nothing and built up a pretty good life together.

 

I also struggled with what to do. I'm scared of the dating scene. I don't want to do it. I was very happy with her and my life. But it boils down to that I am not going to be continuously disrespected like that. I am not going to stay with someone who can have such little regard for my feelings. I think she also wanted me to fight for her again. Bullsh*t! I shouldn't have to fight for my wife. I never gave her any reason to leave. I was always there for her. I never cheated. I never treated her bad. I never held her back. If she thinks she can have a better life with the dirtbag, go for it.

 

I will not live with someone who:

Will lie to me

Lie about me

Will betray me

Cheat on me

Disrespect me

Dishonor me

 

It's been very hard. I've chronicled much of my story here on LS and you can see the struggle. I tried to work it out last year after the first time she cheated. And if she didn't do it again, you wouldn't be reading this from me. But she did do it again. I cannot be with someone I cannot trust.

 

If you can find it in yourself to work it out with her, GREAT!, all the power to you. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life looking behind my back to see it I'm going to get stabbed again by her. That's why I made my decision.

[96nole]

Owl, she's already moved out. She is about 1000 miles from our home. I already suggested MC before she left and she declined.

 

Sorry, but I think you already have your answer of what she wants to do.

[Bellechica]

I'm sorry that the situation isn't better. I think she would have reached out to you if she really wanted to make your M work. I know divorce has got to be horrible after knowing her 20 years.

I also want you to know that I'm not staying in my M just for my kids. I stay because I love my H. He and I did not make each other the number one priority in each other's lives. I am lucky he wants to work on the M.

 

Don't get too depressed about the dating scene. You don't need to think about that right away. You deserve some one who will make you her number one.

[Owl]

Owl, she's already moved out. She is about 1000 miles from our home. I already suggested MC before she left and she declined.

 

If that's the case...she's flat out gone...then what's left to do but to file for divorce whether she likes it or not?

 

Heck...call it abandonment if you can.

 

See if you can have the divorce processed through WITHOUT her participation at all.

[BugsyK]

Thanks everyone. I guess the fact that to me, it happened so fast and there wasn't a big blowup/argument it put me in a state of denial. Thank you for making me see things more clearly.

[96nole]

Thanks everyone. I guess the fact that to me, it happened so fast and there wasn't a big blowup/argument it put me in a state of denial. Thank you for making me see things more clearly.

 

Unfortunately, that's just it. You're in denial. You can't believe that you just got blown up. You are in a different place in this process than she is. That's one of the reasons it happened so fast. She's farther along in the 'moving on' process.

 

You're still numb from this. You are going to have some serious emotional ups and downs. Let it happen. If you want to scream, then scream. If you want to cry, then cry. Don't keep your emotions bottled up. Keep friends and family near by if you can. I recommend putting any pictures of her away. Write here as much as you can. There are a lot of folks here who can help. If anything, just writing it out for others to see helps.

[BugsyK]

Thanks 96Nole. Looks like I can look forward to a fun 2012!

[Bellechica]

Yes keep posting Bugsy. I think it helps all BS, WS, OM, OW to just get your feelings out and process your thoughts. My heart goes out to you sir.

[BugsyK]

This is pretty painful stuff. You have to wonder how a human being can do this to another.