Taking steps to get her back.

[safetyv]

I'm under the impression that she has feelings for me but it scared of me hurting her again (I'm the dumper) and so won't admit them to herself or anyone else.

I want to rebuild the friendship which is starting to happen (we have been talking more and more ad texting etc she visits me at work) but how do I get her to trust me again? I would do anything for this girl. And I know I can make her happier than anyone else will ever be able to, but how do I bring her around?

Time? A heart wrenching speech? Persistence?

Or do I build trust and comfort until the feelings are undeniable?

 

P.s. I never cheated or anything but I broke us up due to gigs

[january2011]

Be honest and direct. Tell her exactly what you've told us and then say that the ball is in her court. Then let her make a decision whether or not she wants to try again. Do not harrass her. Give her the space to decide.

[safetyv]

I feel like being upfront will just scare her off. Then again maybe I'm just protecting myself... I am pretty scared to get burnt again (I have asked for her back before and she pushed me away but that was like 6 months ago).

When we hang out an flirt and act ourselves that is when I am happier than ever and I can see she is too I just wish girls weren't so stubborn!

[confused kitty]

Safety, remember all the great advice you gave me? Our situations were quite simular remember?

Sometimes you need to take yourself out of the picture and think, If this was happening to a friend of mine what advice would I give them?

 

You give great, practical advice so put it into use in your own situation, you know her the best.

 

Trust me I know its alot easyer said than done!

Good Luck, CK

[safetyv]

Thanks ck your right. I know what I need to do, I'm just scared but hiding isn't making me feel any better about this so I guess I will just go for it.

How did your situation end up btw?

[confused kitty]

I know its not easy, and sometimes hiding seems easyer than risking facing what we know we really need to. Em Im not too sure, things are still pretty much the same as they were, hes still texting and wanting to hang out but he hasnt brought up anything about getting back together! Like you, I think its time I faced it too

[safetyv]

Well facing the music is going to suck. I'm still deciding on how I'm going to go about it...

-I may just kiss her and see how she reacts

-maybe I will do the whole romantic charade

-maybe I will be light but firm about telling her how I feel without putting any pressure on it (I'm swaying toward this one).

 

All I know is I can't break down, can't be needy and can't give her any sort of ultimatum. I just hope I can arrange to meet with her and we can be flirty and fun like we have been of late but she is just so unpredictable.

How does a girl want to be treated on this situation?

I don't even want her to take me back in open arms. I just want a chance to prove myself and make her happy again.

Edited April 14, 2012 by safetyv

[confused kitty]

Safety how I wish my guy would think like you! I suggest you meet up with her and feel out her mood, try being fun and flirty and if she flirts back, then bite the bullet and tell her how you still have feelings for her and how you would like the chance to prove to her that you made a mistake. Keep your emotions under wraps though, as you said, you dont want to come across as needy.

 

Thats how Id like my guy to handle the situation anyway! If only I knew how to get him to this point though....

[safetyv]

Ok I have a strange update. Last night I was alone at work for a few hours and all I could do was think about this girl. And then I started to think maybe I am looking into things too much? Maybe she just wants to be friends, an then I started to freak out and I didnt know what to think.

I had a moment where I thought to myself that maybe I should just let it die? We are now friends for the first time sinc we broke up 8 months ago. I do have very strong feelings for her but I am only young, I have years ahead of me to go back after her if I want to. Maybe it's just too complicated right now.

 

 

Or maybe I'm being scared. Idk. The sense of urgency I have been feeling the last few days has died though so maybe I will Persue the friendship before I throw myself on the line again. I will hae to wait til I see or talk to her again and see how that makes me feel

 

Ahh I am so confused. On one hand I am thinking "fight for this girl!" but on the other I'm thinking "if she wants something with you she will make it obvious, don't wait for someone who won't wait for you"

Edited April 15, 2012 by safetyv

[mattr89]

Your last post sums up exactly all my thoughts in my situation right now. I am 22 and I thinks its best to keep it light as friends and let it progress naturally as it did when you first got together. She still has feelings for you and as long as you hold off from talking relationship stuff with her for a while, things can progress positively. Continue to flirt and hang out.

My ex has told me she doesnt want to let me go but thinks i have moved on. (which i havent) Right now im simply showing her the guy i was when i first met her. Confident, fun, flirty. She doesnt want to be brought down by relationship talk and things of that sort right now.

As time goes on you can judge if things are progressing in the way you want them to or not. Dont be too quick to jump to a decision.

[confused kitty]

Mattr89- I do see the sence in what your saying but arent you worried about the dreaded friendzone??

[mattr89]

Maybe I just rather see things differently but heres my take. Two people usually start out friends and become more after some time. They love eachother then things go bad and get cloudy. After the break up and you guys give eachother a sufficient amount of time to let the dust settle. Then the friendship is your way in at showing the other person exactly why they fell for you in the first place. See more often than not everyone on here says forget the friendzone because they dont know how to act. They either get too jealous and needy if the other isnt acting how they want them too, or act like a dick. Everyone over thinks it, simply be the person you were when you first met. Confident, Independent, Fun, Flirty. Thats what he/she is attracted to. Not some over the top person you think he/she wants you to be.

Hope thats makes sense

[confused kitty]

Wow, yea makes alot of sence when you think of it that way! So how long do you wait around being friends for and how do you know if theyr even interested in being more than friends...?

[safetyv]

I'm agreeing with Matt here. If I can become good friends with this girl again I can find out if it something we both really want. Tbh I'm a little scared that I will get her back and hurt her again, I am only twenty how could i possibly know what it is I want just yet? I need to explore other options as this girl is the better of my total of two partners and so it's easy to look at her like she is the best thing that could have happened to me when I really know no better.

So I will try and make friends with her again. We have been texting back and forth a little bit more since my last update which is heading in the right direction.

 

If she really is the one I will get her back. Wether it's 5 months from now or 5 years from now. But I shouldn't rush into it.

[rob_h]

Ok I have a strange update. Last night I was alone at work for a few hours and all I could do was think about this girl. And then I started to think maybe I am looking into things too much? Maybe she just wants to be friends, an then I started to freak out and I didnt know what to think.

I had a moment where I thought to myself that maybe I should just let it die? We are now friends for the first time sinc we broke up 8 months ago. I do have very strong feelings for her but I am only young, I have years ahead of me to go back after her if I want to. Maybe it's just too complicated right now.

 

 

Or maybe I'm being scared. Idk. The sense of urgency I have been feeling the last few days has died though so maybe I will Persue the friendship before I throw myself on the line again. I will hae to wait til I see or talk to her again and see how that makes me feel

 

Ahh I am so confused. On one hand I am thinking "fight for this girl!" but on the other I'm thinking "if she wants something with you she will make it obvious, don't wait for someone who won't wait for you"

 

 

Can you tell us more about why you broke up with her due to Gigs?

 

From what you've said about your sense of urgency dying and you wanting to explore more options than this girl (even though you know she is your best one yet) makes me think you are in stage 4?

[safetyv]

I tried to look it up but I don't know the stages of gigs. So anyway I broke up with her after mulling it over for a few months. We got back together once but I broke up with her again. I can remember not wanting to have sex with her, flirting with other girls and choosing to hang out by myself as opposed to with her. Then we were on again off again for a few months until she told me it had to stop, and then we went nc which is when I started regretting it. Then I dated another girl for three months until I ended up kissing my ex and do I broke up with the rebound girl.

We also had a huge argument (while drunk) when I told her I had feelings a week after we kissed so I went nc for another month and now we are just friends again. I think this is the kind of relationship that will always have a place in the back of both our minds and so if I can remain friends with her then if in the future when I am ready for a fully committed (marriage) relationship I will know she is the one. But either way I'm not looking for a wife right now and so if I were to get back with her now there would still be a time limit on the relationship. Which wouldn't be fair on either of us.

[rob_h]

I tried to look it up but I don't know the stages of gigs. So anyway I broke up with her after mulling it over for a few months. We got back together once but I broke up with her again. I can remember not wanting to have sex with her, flirting with other girls and choosing to hang out by myself as opposed to with her. Then we were on again off again for a few months until she told me it had to stop, and then we went nc which is when I started regretting it. Then I dated another girl for three months until I ended up kissing my ex and do I broke up with the rebound girl.

We also had a huge argument (while drunk) when I told her I had feelings a week after we kissed so I went nc for another month and now we are just friends again. I think this is the kind of relationship that will always have a place in the back of both our minds and so if I can remain friends with her then if in the future when I am ready for a fully committed (marriage) relationship I will know she is the one. But either way I'm not looking for a wife right now and so if I were to get back with her now there would still be a time limit on the relationship. Which wouldn't be fair on either of us.

 

 

Haha yeah welcome to stage 4. You know you want her in the long term but also still want to explore.

 

I believe you are exactly where my ex is at. If you stay friends (but hope that a recon one day is possible) that will be highly unlikely. Are you prepared for her to find someone else like you except who is ready to commit to her now?

[safetyv]

That would be horrible. I guess you are right there, being friends would be hard if deep down I still have feeling which I know I do I'm just trying to suppress.

What in earth do I do then? All these replies are making it sound like she is the one or something but I really don't know that, and it's not like I even have her back we are just friends. She pushed me away last time I tried to reconcile (given I was drunk and had just broken up with the rebound girl a day or so earlier).

 

What advice would you give to me? Move on? Forget the friendship? Try and reconcile? Find someone new? Lay my cards on the table? Gosh I'm lost.

[safetyv]

What comes after stage four?

 

It has been nine months since we broke up.

[rob_h]

That would be horrible. I guess you are right there, being friends would be hard if deep down I still have feeling which I know I do I'm just trying to suppress.

What in earth do I do then? All these replies are making it sound like she is the one or something but I really don't know that, and it's not like I even have her back we are just friends. She pushed me away last time I tried to reconcile (given I was drunk and had just broken up with the rebound girl a day or so earlier).

 

What advice would you give to me? Move on? Forget the friendship? Try and reconcile? Find someone new? Lay my cards on the table? Gosh I'm lost.

 

 

Yeah you're definitely 4... You hate the idea of losing her, but (selfishly (I did it too, I don't mean to offend)) still think "what if there's something better".

 

I don't really want to tell you what comes next as you wont register it until you go through it yourself but stage 4 lasts a fair bit of time... Upwards of 4/5 months. When did you stop messing around and think "**** i miss her/love her?"

 

Was the last time you spoke to her when you were drunk?

[rob_h]

When did you stop messing around and think "**** i miss her/love her?"

 

Sorry just read your earlier posts, so when you kissed your ex whilst with 'rebound' would you say that was when you thought this?

[safetyv]

When we first broke up we continued sleeping together for a few months. When she told me we had to stop and couldn't get back together that's when I realised I wanted her back. And I have ever since (that was August last year). I rebounded because I thought it would help me get over her and she was still firm on the idea that we could not get back together.

Kissing her however was the most intense thing that has ever happened to me. There was so much tension and emotion and it has literally been the best moment in my life since we broke up. I almost can't explain how it felt.

 

And no, after the drunk argument we didn't talk for a month. I went to Thailand to take my mind off it and when I got back she started visiting my work weekly (she is a figure skater, I work at an ice rink although she gave up about three years ago and so I think it a bit wierd she is coming in). We have also been texting each other maybe once a week, she had breakfast with my mum a while ago and we bump into each other and chat from time to time.

 

Ok so anyway I saw her today and became completely flustered. We didn't talk I just pretended to be busy and kept going.

I've been lying to myself. I can't just move on. Hope to find something better until I know this is gone. I still love her emensely and I need to do something about it.

now my gameplay is still to become closer as friends and then see if I can escalate that. But I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. In this case what should I do? Put myself on the line or try the friends thing? I really don't know but it is going to drive me crazy

Edited April 22, 2012 by safetyv

[wilsonx]

EAT CROW (google it if you dont know what it means)

 

how bad is the pain?

 

Welcome to hell btw, I am the club president, we dont have meetings

 

When we first broke up we continued sleeping together for a few months. When she told me we had to stop and couldn't get back together that's when I realised I wanted her back. And I have ever since (that was August last year). I rebounded because I thought it would help me get over her and she was still firm on the idea that we could not get back together.

Kissing her however was the most intense thing that has ever happened to me. There was so much tension and emotion and it has literally been the best moment in my life since we broke up. I almost can't explain how it felt.

 

And no, after the drunk argument we didn't talk for a month. I went to Thailand to take my mind off it and when I got back she started visiting my work weekly (she is a figure skater, I work at an ice rink although she gave up about three years ago and so I think it a bit wierd she is coming in). We have also been texting each other maybe once a week, she had breakfast with my mum a while ago and we bump into each other and chat from time to time.

 

Ok so anyway I saw her today and became completely flustered. We didn't talk I just pretended to be busy and kept going.

I've been lying to myself. I can't just move on. Hope to find something better until I know this is gone. I still love her emensely and I need to do something about it.

now my gameplay is still to become closer as friends and then see if I can escalate that. But I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. In this case what should I do? Put myself on the line or try the friends thing? I really don't know but it is going to drive me crazy

 

If I can make a suggestion, keep posting your thoughts here and whats going on in your head. I am going to write a thread on the "bounce" and it would be great to have your thoughts to help process it

Edited April 22, 2012 by wilsonx

[safetyv]

Eating crow in terms of the breakup? I feel like she will push me away if I try and get emotional or whatever. When we talk and I just make light I things and flirt she seems far more responsive... (that's what led to us kissing).

 

And in terms of the bounce thread which forum are you going to post it in?

[Terrorblade]

You can't flirt forever - you have to tell her sometime. I guess the thing that is holding her back is the hurt you gave her... How can you prove that you won't dump her the second time? She was with you, so the feelings are there. However "feeling for someone" and "wanting to be with someone" are different, and you want the latter. You must take it slow, but you have to show that you have changed....and it won't happen unless you have ACTUALLY changed.