How do I stop obsessing about my wife's affair?

[DarkPrince]

The core of the whole mess is that you married a cheater who is still blame-shifting you. So what if you're a bit emotionally repressed? That wouldn't turn a faithful wife into a cheater. It might be somewhat frustrating to her that you couldn't express yourself, but it wouldn't make her go have sex with someone else. So that part of it just isn't true.

 

She can't believe it that being cheated on hurt you so much? She's lying. She knew exactly how much it would hurt you to cheat on you but calculated you wouldn't have the fortitude to do anything about it. And you haven't, have you?

 

If you gave her a red light and told her not to hang out with this guy she would accuse you of being "paranoid" and "controlling" and go out with him anyway.

 

Stop blaming yourself and stop living inside of your head.

 

You obviously have a lot willpower since building a physique like that takes a lot of dedication. You are the type of person who when he makes a decision can stick to it.

 

So now you get to decide what the rest of your life is going to be like. And whether it includes your wife or not. And if it includes your wife, YOU get to pick terms you want. There is no negotiation.

 

But with a person like your wife, you can't "reason" with her, your only choice is to totally dominate her. Or else she will totally dominate you, which is the case at present. There is no in between with a woman like your wife: either you have to get rid of her, you totally dominate her, or she totally dominates you.

 

It is a power-based relationship and either you have it or you don't.

 

Right now you don't have any power because she has taken advantage of your emotional hang-ups to deceive and dominate you.

 

The next time she tries to make some lame excuse for her cheating and says you green lighted it, you don't have to accept that. You can just tell her to shut her mouth, cook your dinner, and get you a beer. If she rebels at that tell her to leave.

 

Then live your life a free man.

 

Gotta get my self-confidence fully back. Im working on that all the time.

Your right about power games with her. She is from a tough city and grew up with tough males as role models and boyfriends. Thats what she respects. She looks at any beta male traits as weakness. She likes it when I put her in her place, but thats hard for me to do alot of times because she has been with some really hardcore guys, and I cant really match up to them in the alpha male sense that she's used to. Plus the fact she's over a decade older than me makes it very hard to feel like the dominate one in this relationship. She is so much more experienced than me in almost every aspect of life.

Physically, I have become a very dominate presence. Thats good in the sense that other guys dont mess with me or my wife. They show her respect and never hit on her in my presence. Thats something that wasnt always the case before I started working out. So at least I have that so far. She likes it that guys are afraid of me, and it has lead to very hot sex several times. She also likes that I dont back down from anyone and I state how I feel. If I dont like her talking to a guy Ill tell her and the guy and she likes that.

I still have a long way to go before I can be dominate. Im only as dominate as she;ll let me be at this point. I dont know if I'll ever get there.

 

 

Edit: Thanks for pointing out that no matter what I would have done back then she still would have had that affair. That makes me feel a lot better about everything. Ive been tearing myself up with guilt because I though I could have stopped it and was too much of a wuss to do it. It puts everything in perspective, so thanks again.

Edited April 18, 2012 by DarkPrince

[nofool4u]

Affairs are NOT about looks, personalities, hard bodies.....they are about the way the AP makes them FEEL about themselves. Sad, but true.

 

Sure they are, just not always. Affairs can be about how an AP makes them feel.

 

But affairs also exist because someone just wants sex, and wants it with people they are attracted to and emotion doesn't play into it.

[DarkPrince]

Its been 5 days and I have not gotten upset about it once. I think its a record. I'm actually very happy and have been getting along with my wife and everyone else very well. I didnt realize how much this grudge was holding me back until now. I hope and pray I can keep it up. I dont like the person I was when I was obsessing about that.

[DarkPrince]

Broom > Rug > Sweep > BS arranges another threesome to please wife

 

I know and I agree, but the only one suffering here by keeping it alive in my head is me. Even if I wanted to leave my wife its just not financially feasible for about 2 years, so why drive myself crazy?

[DarkPrince]

The one thing I wish for more than anything is to be able to sit down and have a calm, grown up, truthful discussion about the affair. I read all these other threads where the wife gets caught and feels horrible so she discloses all the details of the affair to her husband, even though she knows he will go nuts and blow up.

Im not going to blow up. Id just like to discuss it. Just have her calmly tell me what really happened, and why. What were her true feelings at the time, for this guy and for me? I think I know, but Id sure like to hear the truth come out of her mouth.

I just want to hear something like "we had sex about ___ times, we did such and such positions. I did this to him. I let him do this to me. I really thought I was in love with him, I thought you didnt care about me. etc..."

I dont care what she tells me as long as its the truth with no omissions. Wishful thinking on my part. Maybe one day, who knows. Even if she did tell me the whole story I would still be doubting she told me the whole truth. Id always think she left stuff out. I know Id be embarrassed if I got caught having an affair with such a loser, but Id still bite the bullet and tell her all the pathetic details.

[drifter777]

The one thing I wish for more than anything is to be able to sit down and have a calm, grown up, truthful discussion about the affair. I read all these other threads where the wife gets caught and feels horrible so she discloses all the details of the affair to her husband, even though she knows he will go nuts and blow up.

Im not going to blow up. Id just like to discuss it. Just have her calmly tell me what really happened, and why. What were her true feelings at the time, for this guy and for me? I think I know, but Id sure like to hear the truth come out of her mouth.

I just want to hear something like "we had sex about ___ times, we did such and such positions. I did this to him. I let him do this to me. I really thought I was in love with him, I thought you didnt care about me. etc..."

I dont care what she tells me as long as its the truth with no omissions. Wishful thinking on my part. Maybe one day, who knows. Even if she did tell me the whole story I would still be doubting she told me the whole truth. Id always think she left stuff out. I know Id be embarrassed if I got caught having an affair with such a loser, but Id still bite the bullet and tell her all the pathetic details.

 

First off, getting the fine details of her fu** sessions will not help you stop obsessing about it. I mean, that's kind of counter-productive. The general stuff like how many times, where did you do it, and did you use protection, etc. really needs to be enough for you. Remember, she will lie about any details that you cannot verify so you're never going to get what you think you want.

 

Secondly, her refusal to have the frank, open discussions about her affair that you want is really a red flag that she is still seeing someone else and/or she has little or no remorse for what she did. If she says she is sorry then she probably means she is sorry it hurt you, sorry she told you about it, and sorry that you won't just "let it go".

 

This is still killing you. You really need to give her an ultimatum that you get into marriage counseling to specifically address her cheating episode(s) or you want a divorce. Suffering like you are with no relief in sight is going to lead to serious depression and acting out. Stop pussy-footing around and take action.

[malcolmjblack]

Dark Prince......hit me up at [email protected]

Your story is extremely close to mine....I'm just further down the rabbit hole.

Edited April 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DarkPrince]

Dark Prince......hit me up at [email protected]

Your story is extremely close to mine....I'm just further down the rabbit hole.

 

Id like to hear your story.

[DarkPrince]

Sometimes I feel like everything is great than I feel like things will never get better. I guess I feel like I should be able to have relations with whoever I want, because she did, and I deeply resent her not wanting that for me. She should want me to be happy, and I told her I want another woman to have a sexual relationship with. Instead of standing behind me and saying it's more than fair, she acted like she didnt like the idea. Its not about her, though. Its about her re-paying me for all the hell she put me through.

I dont understand why in her eyes it was ok for her to have a deep EA, and PA, yet not ok for me to have the same thing. It just really gets to me, that thought process. She should be encouraging me to find someone on the side like she did, not acting hurt. Im really pissed right now over this, just super pissed.

 

 

drifter1977: your post makes complete sense, but I m not in that position to offer her an ultimatum yet. Once I am I will.

[DarkPrince]

I won a fight!!!! I actually won a fight! She backed down when I threatened to leave, and I didnt care when she threatened to leave for the night. Feels good not to bow down to her. Just wanted to post that up. I feel invigorated!!

[DarkPrince]

Good, but the only way to achieve total victory is to stop caring about her one way or the other.

 

LoveHateIndifference

 

Its working so far. Im learning that she's all bluff. I actually hold most of the control in this relationship. She needs me more than I need her, but she is so good at twisting the roles an making me think that I need her and she could replace me at anytime for someone better. If she could she would have long ago. I hate to use her age against her, but that is a major factor.

She really should have thought that her cheating plan might backfire. I mean really how dumb could she be? So now she's 48 and totally depending on me to support her once I get my degree. She cant get any good jobs becuase of her record, and she's too old to get by on men supporting her.

But now Im completely bitter b/c of her cheating. SHe wants more than anyting for it to just go away, but it wont. SHe thinks by not talking about it, Ill eventually just forget it happened. I dont know what she thinks is going to happen once Im making good money and Im around other women all the time.

 

and I know I've said this before, but the guy was such a loser in every way. Id post his pic up if I could so everyone could see what I mean but i don't want to be banned. It would have make more sense to me it the guy was better. Better looking, better educated, something. At least then I could understand it. But her giving it up to this guy would be like me cheating on her with a crack whore of the street. Talk about adding insult to injury!

Edited April 30, 2012 by DarkPrince

[kt66]

You can get rid of the mind movies, see a good CBT Counsellor, they can really help with this.

 

She did not make a mistake! - knocking a drink over or missing a train is a mistake, undressing so you can insert body parts into each other is not a mistake.

 

You have my respect Mate, I would have left after a year long affair, I would have kicked his head in, then told her to go and live with him.

 

Good luck with your new found confidence, it sounds like you are doing well.

 

DON'T ask for more details (i did this) it just makes the mind movies worse.

[turnera]

Update please.

[DarkPrince]

Update please.

 

Well, so far so good. Ive been following several poster's advice about not giving a ****, and it's really working wonders with how she is treating me. She treats me like Ive always wanted to be treated.

Several things have happened. We had a 3some with her friend, which did not go to well, becuase I didnt have any chemistry with her, and we were both nervous. I felt like I was a porn performer and my wife was the director, so it was pretty weird. The girl was pretty and I like her, but it just didnt happen that time. I asked for a re-try in a couple weeks, and they both thought that would be a good idea, and this time my wife has to wait outside until we get comfortable with each other.

Another thing is that she treats me with respect. She still goes to talk down to me, but now quickly corrects herself.

I have been talking to alot of pretty girls in front of her, not flirting, just talking, but I do this to show her that other women do enjoy my company, and I dont have to kiss the ground she walks on.

As far as the affair, its dead in the water. I never bring it up and neither does she, but we both know it's there.

I have my last bs courses this summer for college, then finally I start the medical part of my degree in the Fall which is in the Nursing program, so I will be around women all the time. I think she is pulling major damage control now.

I feel good about things. I feel no need for a revenge affair or to cheat, esp when she'll let me have sex with other women. The sex with her is much better though to be honest and she has been extremely generous with that for the past year with no end in sight.

She has just been enrolled in a fitness competition for older women, and everyone thinks she will win, which is exciting.

There's more that Ill type when I remember and have more time.

[CarrieT]

I want to form a tight emotional and physical bond with another woman (more emotional) and make it last for a year or so, but always under the guise that we're 'just friends'. I want to tell her everything about myself and my wife. I want to make her feel more important than my wife, and I want to put her needs above my wife's needs.

 

Okay, I am shocked that no one called you one this one...

 

I can understand you wanting to make your wife hurt and all that - to get her to experience the pain that you did - but what about this phantom other woman? Have you thought about what pain you will ultimately be causing HER by establishing a relationship with her and giving her hope by making "her feel more important than [your] wife" and "putting her needs above [your] wife's?"

 

What goes around comes around, and Karma's a bitch.

Think about this Karma and what seven levels of hell your potential affair is going to feel when you break up with her - if you break up with her.

 

 

Please don't do this to an unsuspecting other woman who deserves more than a cheating husband whose only thought is using her to hurt his wife.

[DarkPrince]

Okay, I am shocked that no one called you one this one...

 

I can understand you wanting to make your wife hurt and all that - to get her to experience the pain that you did - but what about this phantom other woman? Have you thought about what pain you will ultimately be causing HER by establishing a relationship with her and giving her hope by making "her feel more important than [your] wife" and "putting her needs above [your] wife's?"

 

 

Think about this Karma and what seven levels of hell your potential affair is going to feel when you break up with her - if you break up with her.

 

 

Please don't do this to an unsuspecting other woman who deserves more than a cheating husband whose only thought is using her to hurt his wife.

 

there's been alot of posts since this one. Read my above post for the most recent update. The post your replying too was just an angry vent, which I stated in my next post after I think.

[DarkPrince]

The trick is with this whole thing is I keep reminding myself of the good that has come out of it. For example I would have never started working out if she had not had the affair. I would have never gone back to college, becuase I never would have had the drive to better myself. Her affair awakened something in me that I never knew existed.

Her affair made me stop being a doormat, not just hers but everyone else's as well. So like that old saying "everything happens for a reason" I think this was the wake-up call I needed. The way I was back then, if she didnt cheat on me, someone else would have. I was just asking for it. No one respected me becuase I didnt respect myself.

In retrospect I wouldnt change anything because of what its gotten me to today. I will never thank my wife for that obviously and it still hurts when I think about it, but sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

Edited May 15, 2012 by DarkPrince

[turnera]

I often tell people that an affair can be a blessing in disguise because it makes a huge wakeup call, and ensures you'll never take each other for granted again.

[mrsmistake]

I understand what everyone is saying, but everyone makes mistakes, dont they? Maybe she's embarrassed to go into the details with me because she's ashamed she did it. The guy wasnt exactly the kind of guy women flock too. In fact if she wasnt drinking, I dont think she would have given him the time of day.

Ive slept with women when I was drunk that Im very ashamed of, and want to act like it never happened now that I dont drink anymore either. So I can understand her there. I think she wasnt in her right mind when she did it (the whole affair)

Now she's a new woman and she doesnt want it thrown in her face since it was a mistake. I can understand all that, even sympathize with her, but I just wish I could maintain that mindset. Some days it just gets to me, and I start treating her like **** without even realizing it, and thats not fair to her of myself. Then after a few days we end up fighting.

As far as the details, I dont even know if I'd want to know now. It would just re-ignite the rage, and Im tired of being angry. My only solace is that 7 years ago she was a sloppy, fat, drunk. Now she competes in fitness model competitions (due to her making the right changes in her life), so I try to tell myself that at least he didnt have her now that she's hot and sexy. Also she had no self esteem back then, now she does. I really just want to get over this.

Of course I say this today then tomorrow I might want to kill her over it. Its a real mind ****. The damage IS there. The turst IS broken and we both know this. Even to this day she wont ever be alone (in a room or house) with a man. She doesnt want me to think anything so she avoids any situation that could make me suspect anything, and its good but it isnt because the trust is gone now.

 

Edit: sorry dont mean to ramble but I moticed one other thing. I only get these thoughts about the affair when things are going really well between us. Its almost like a self desturt program in my head. When we're fighting like now I dont really give 2 ****s about it.

First let me say I know what you and your wife are going through. I had an affair over 2 years ago...after 18 years of being controlled and accused of having/wanting to have an affair everytime I so much as even glanced at another male. My husband and I both had given up on our marriage years before my affair. He put work, friends, and himself before our family...when I ran into old friend on Facebook and he began giving me the attention and friendship I was so badly craving from my husband...well, one thing led to another and the dreaded "A" happened--once. I told my husband and after a week of separation and him promising to change and give more to our marriage and stop being so controlling and me sincerely apologizing and promising to never let it happen again, we reconciled...even renewed our vows a couple months later. I was on cloud nine. I dearly loved my husband(still do), but at the same time was so fearful of him returning to his old ways. A month or so after our renewal things went sour. He started throwing the affair in my face, saying really hurtful/hateful things to me. He finally asked me for a divorce. I agreed and was relieved that the control/neglect/reliving of the affair would finally end. During our separation while waiting for D-day (AND AFTER I FILED FOR DIVORCE)I began seeing someone else. My STBEH put a stop to it by confronting this man in front of his children. Another man came into the picture a while after...my husband never confronted this man though...thank goodness. 12 days before D-day I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than my marriage and regardless of our problems, I would do whatever it took to save my marriage. My husband agreed. A couple months into reconciliation the past showed its ugly head and my husband demanded to know everything from the men I spoke w/during our seperation(accused me of sleeping w/them)...to intimate details of the relationships I had w/ the two men while we were apart. He made me give him my cell phone records, made me change my number, etc. He still, after 9 months of working on our marriage, brings up the past...says he has trouble getting images out of his head...belittles me, tries to tell me that the relationships I had during our seperstion were affairs as well(even though he fell in love with a woman online, sexted her, etc.). He says he loves me but hurts me so often with his anger...tells me he regrets ever meeting me and that he'll never love me like he once did. I'm genuinely sorry for my actions and work hard every day to give him and be all that he needs. I just get so frustrated.

[mrsmistake]

First let me say I know what you and your wife are going through. I had an affair over 2 years ago...after 18 years of being controlled and accused of having/wanting to have an affair everytime I so much as even glanced at another male. My husband and I both had given up on our marriage years before my affair. He put work, friends, and himself before our family...when I ran into old friend on Facebook and he began giving me the attention and friendship I was so badly craving from my husband...well, one thing led to another and the dreaded "A" happened--once. I told my husband and after a week of separation and him promising to change and give more to our marriage and stop being so controlling and me sincerely apologizing and promising to never let it happen again, we reconciled...even renewed our vows a couple months later. I was on cloud nine. I dearly loved my husband(still do), but at the same time was so fearful of him returning to his old ways. A month or so after our renewal things went sour. He started throwing the affair in my face, saying really hurtful/hateful things to me. He finally asked me for a divorce. I agreed and was relieved that the control/neglect/reliving of the affair would finally end. During our separation while waiting for D-day (AND AFTER I FILED FOR DIVORCE)I began seeing someone else. My STBEH put a stop to it by confronting this man in front of his children. Another man came into the picture a while after...my husband never confronted this man though...thank goodness. 12 days before D-day I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than my marriage and regardless of our problems, I would do whatever it took to save my marriage. My husband agreed. A couple months into reconciliation the past showed its ugly head and my husband demanded to know everything from the men I spoke w/during our seperation(accused me of sleeping w/them)...to intimate details of the relationships I had w/ the two men while we were apart. He made me give him my cell phone records, made me change my number, etc. He still, after 9 months of working on our marriage, brings up the past...says he has trouble getting images out of his head...belittles me, tries to tell me that the relationships I had during our seperstion were affairs as well(even though he fell in love with a woman online, sexted her, etc.). He says he loves me but hurts me so often with his anger...tells me he regrets ever meeting me and that he'll never love me like he once did. I'm genuinely sorry for my actions and work hard every day to give him and be all that he needs. I just get so frustrated.

HOWEVER...I do not agree with your choice to have a 3some...i believe your wife felt compelled to participate out of guilt of her affair. The way you talk she has developed some insecurities because of this and your flirting. You know firsthand the hurt of a spouse straying...why would you do this to her? My husband may say mean and disrespectful things to me about my affair but shame on you for using her affair as a means to excuse yourself for your actions.

[y2k]

This is getting ridiculous. My wife had a 1 year long affair about 7 years ago. I always knew, but finally got a bit of the truth last June.

My wife refuses to talk about it, and will not get into any details about it with me. As far as she is concerned is a done deal, and I need to get past it.

She will NEVER tell me the truth about it, but its killing our happy marriage by me obsessing about it.

Im smart enough to figure out the details on my own. I really dont need her to tell me them. Im still angry though, and after 7 years and drastically different lifestyles, I shouldnt be. I have the perfect life, and I need to embrace it, not dwell on things I cannot change and will not happen again. (i truly believe she wont cheat again. She stopped drinking, and her personality is day and night difference)

This is causing tons of unnessesary fights, and is stressing the hell out of both of us. I dont want to break up, I dont want her to leave. A sick part of me still craves revenge, and thats the part thats causing the destruction now.

How do I stop this destructive thought process, before it leads into something I will truly regret happening?

 

Leaving her and starting over again.

 

You seriously think she ended it?? The fact that she won't tell you details means she obviously has some sort of attachment to it. Leave her before problems arrive. You can start over, and I'm sure she can too.

 

I mean think about it, do you want the day to come when you get home to a half-empty house only to find a letter by her saying how she's leaving you to go off with the love of her life (another guy)???? I doubt you want that situation to ever happen. By staying with her after she cheated, you're only being set up for such a scenario. Please ponder this well.

 

Good luck.

[DarkPrince]

HOWEVER...I do not agree with your choice to have a 3some...i believe your wife felt compelled to participate out of guilt of her affair. The way you talk she has developed some insecurities because of this and your flirting. You know firsthand the hurt of a spouse straying...why would you do this to her? My husband may say mean and disrespectful things to me about my affair but shame on you for using her affair as a means to excuse yourself for your actions.

 

The question is, why wouldnt I do this to her? I know it makes me sound mean but I like making her feel the pain that I felt. As far as the 3some's go, if she didnt cheat than we wouldnt be doing them. And I dont view the 3some's as her way of repaying me, because she is in control the whole time. She knows everything that happens, and has say on everything that happens. I never had a say in her affair. I have no say as to what they did to each other in that apartment. I dont even know what really went on in there, so I have to live with not knowing, which for me in the worst part. I can deal with the truth, but I cant deal with not knowing.

She knew how I felt about cheating when she met me, and being lied to. The lying is worse than the cheating to be honest. I told her when we first met that if she or I ever got urges to cheat or we did cheat we would be honest, discuss it and work past it. She said that I would never have to worry about it so there was no need to bring it up. I would have dealt with it better if she was honest from the get go. When we were in the first year of our relationship we both cheated and told each other. We were painfully honest about the details, and we worked past them with relative ease. We got past those with no problem because there was no deception. I try to work past it but its always there. If she would have just admitted it when I first became suspicious, things would never have gotten to this point. But she lied so much she backed her self into a corner and now can never tell the truth, and she knows she destroyed my trust in her, and it will never be the same again.

Im just doing my best to maintain a positive outlook. I do well on most days and some days not so well. Im just focused on getting my degree right now and now that she's treating me better I try to be happy because I have no reason not to. Dwelling on something that happened so long ago is stupid, but my mind is trained to do so, and it will take some serious time and effort to reprogram my brain to stop obsessing on it.

 

Anyway the point of this long post is that it all comes down to her making the choice to cheat and not thinking it would ever come back to haunt her. She thought she could do better than me, and made a huge mistake. Too bad she had to have sex with him. I guess his orgasm was worth years of suffering for both of us.