How do I stop obsessing about my wife's affair?

[Bellechica]

Alice, I was simply offering my opinion to DK. This thread isn't about me. If he choses to stay with his wife and she wants to stay with him then I believe she will have to allow him to process his own way of getting past the A. Merely my opinion. We do not live in a cookie cutter world and there is no cookie cutter solution for each M.

[happyme]

I feel for ya DP, but revenge affair?? I agree with Owl on this one, I mean how can anything remotely positive come of that? Sorry but I can't see it. When my ex had an affair, years ago now, I was devastated. The absolute last thing I could have done was think about anyone else or even pretend to be interested in anyone else. That just doesn't make any sense to me at all... I mean - where is your heart? If you are heart-broken about your spouse, then surely nobody else will enter your vision. On the other hand I guess if it's simply hurt pride then it may relieve that for a very short while, but then again who are we kidding? Talk about using someone.... then you'd have all the mess and probably guilt connected to that.. omg the mind boggles, isn't it complicated enough already? Pffff... don't get it, sorry. But good luck anyway with the pain you are now going through, I do feel for you and understand.

[threebyfate]

Why add more toxic to already toxic? Get a divorce and let time heal. That's what I did.

 

At present I've remarried, had a child and are pregnant with a second, with a wonderful and caring man. The past marriage, infidelity and subsequent divorce all feel like an old dream to me. Not even a nightmare. I no longer give a crap about any of it.

[Owl]

Too bad if the original cheater gets their nose out of joint because the betrayed spouse decides to give them a dose of their own medicine.

 

Why should the original betrayed spouse even care if it's harder or easier to reconcile? The betrayed spouse can do whatever they want short of physical violence and if the original cheater doesn't like it, they can leave. By cheating they already left the marriage in spirit if not in body anyway.

 

The betrayed spouse is obligated to make sure reconciliation doesn't become too difficult? Why? Because the cheater might get mad and leave them? Oh boo hoo hoo.

 

Why don't we make a rule: Cheating spouses have the choice of either doing 10,000 push-ups and 10,000 sit-ups or the betrayed spouse gets to have their own affair. Let the cheater decide which it will be.

 

How many of these good for nothing cheaters wouldn't say "Ugh I don't want to have to do all those push ups and sit ups. Please go f*ck someone!" They ALL would. They would happily agree to the revenge affair.

 

If their goal is to eventually reconcile and save their marriage...then the original BS has to care whether or not a revenge affair makes matters worse. And I can't see how having a revenge affair would make reconciliation any easier. Case in point...Kidd's RA. Got him NOTHING in the end...(well, other than some strange before the divorce was done I guess).

 

If their goal is just to "get even"...and divorce...then I'd agree that a revenge affair is right in line with that goal. Pretty much a good way to hurt the WS and put a nail on the coffin of the marriage all at one shot.

 

All depends on what the eventual "goal" of the BS is.

[nofool4u]

Here's a cheating wife right now who hasn't even told her husband yet so continues to lie to him.

 

Tell us Bellechica, if your affair was disclosed, and you had the choice between having to do 10,000 pushups and 10,000 situps, or instead, you agreed to your husband having his own revenge affair, which would you choose?

 

She'd choose none of the above. She'd tell him to just get over it.

[Bellechica]

She'd choose none of the above. She'd tell him to just get over it.

Actually I would choose the option my H would want for me. I would allow him to choose any option he would need if it meant saving my M. The choice would not be mine to decide.

[nofool4u]

Actually I would choose the option my H would want for me.

 

Great, so if your husband chose a night of getting to pleasure himself with a couple of strange women on two different occasions as you did, as Ham asked, you'd agree to not make an issue of it and stay home while he was getting his juke on with a couple of hotties?

 

Mind you, not condoning that. He probably has more self-respect than that, but what if? I think you say this because you know he wouldn't put that as an option. I think very rarely do people who are betrayed think their cheating spouse should allow them to go out and get their little fun to make it even. Because for one, they wouldn't want to lower themselves to the level of their cheating spouse.

[beenburned]

DP,

 

I also had obsessive thoughts, rage, and resentments years after d-day.

 

My H was doing everything in his power to reconcile our marriage.

 

I finally realized I needed help to get over this, or I would not have a marriage left. So I went to my family Doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants for me.

It made a world of difference!

 

Will your insurance pay for some IC?

[drifter777]

If their goal is to eventually reconcile and save their marriage...then the original BS has to care whether or not a revenge affair makes matters worse. And I can't see how having a revenge affair would make reconciliation any easier. Case in point...Kidd's RA. Got him NOTHING in the end...(well, other than some strange before the divorce was done I guess).

 

If their goal is just to "get even"...and divorce...then I'd agree that a revenge affair is right in line with that goal. Pretty much a good way to hurt the WS and put a nail on the coffin of the marriage all at one shot.

 

All depends on what the eventual "goal" of the BS is.

 

Owl: of course you are right - it's all about the goal. His current obsession may be showing up because his inner sense of "fairness" is off center. Sometimes it takes time for a BS to face the truth of their WS's betrayal. The shock, pain, and humiliation are many times too hard for a person to bear so in order to survive they stuff it down and hope they will forget over time. You know this never works.

 

In this case she is unwilling to help him even begin to heal. Maybe I understand that she is ashamed of herself and feels overwhelming guilt for what she did, but first things first. She needs to address her husbands need to work through this or their marriage is doomed.

 

Regarding the revenge affair, I think a BS often resorts to this to kill their marriage dead once and for all. Some people will not make a conscious decision to end their marriage and start a new life - it's too scary. But their subconscious knows better and helps them find a way to survive and that may mean forcing everyone's hand by way of the RA.

Edited April 12, 2012 by drifter777
mis-worded

[DarkPrince]

I dont want to end the relationship, I just want to experience that feeling of lust with another person just like my wife did. I want that thrill, and that passion that I missed out on. She doesnt seem to get that. She let me have a threesome with her unattractive friend last summer, but it sucked becuase I had no attraction to her.

She says she's willing to do more 3somes, and even looks forward to them but she always wants to pick girls that are less attractive than her. Whats the point of that? Plus its more about her than me.

Ive been working out for 3 years straight and I have made myself very good looking. I know I can get very attractive girls to be with me. Why shouldnt I?

My wife says it makes her jealous, well yeah thats the point isnt it? To make her feel the pain she made me feel.

My wife works out to and she looks great (bodywise) but her face is looking old now. She lost her cuteness and it'll never come back. She's 48 now.

Im over a decade younger than her and am pretty much in my prime right now. Why should I miss out on all these hot girls when she did what she did. She didnt say no when temptation knocked.

What I want is for her to sit and eat the pain like I did. I want her to drive herself nuts when I go out and say Im with so and so, and we're 'just friends' but she knows we're doing more than just talking about work. I want to form a tight emotional and physical bond with another woman (more emotional) and make it last for a year or so, but always under the guise that we're 'just friends'. I want to tell her everything about myself and my wife. I want to make her feel more important than my wife, and I want to put her needs above my wife's needs.

Sometimes I think Im being cruel but then I figure she should have thought about this day when she was giving herself to that fat ass loser neighbor without a condom.

What goes around comes around, and Karma's a bitch.

Edited April 17, 2012 by DarkPrince

[Ninja'sHusband]

and then you'll be even and you can't complain. She's happy with you now, you might think she *should* be able to handle you having an RA...but I guarantee it won't work like that. You risk destroying your whole M, even if it is "fair". She'll need 2 years of R to recover from your RA, but probably won't happen because you feel justified....because you need 2 years of true R to recover from her A... And how to untangle that one? I have no idea.

 

I can't even figure out my situation.

[Wanderer25]

Look at his older threads.

[DarkPrince]

and then you'll be even and you can't complain. She's happy with you now, you might think she *should* be able to handle you having an RA...but I guarantee it won't work like that. You risk destroying your whole M, even if it is "fair". She'll need 2 years of R to recover from your RA, but probably won't happen because you feel justified....because you need 2 years of true R to recover from her A... And how to untangle that one? I have no idea.

 

I can't even figure out my situation.

I know the whole thing is a cluster**** but I've tried every other way. If it destroys ou m than it was meant to be. I don't know what else to do. I want what she had and I'm going to get it.she should understand that. Do unto others is what she once told me. Well this is her time. It would be selfish of her to want me to feel cheated plus I want her to know how it felt for me

[DarkPrince]

Cant delete this post

Edited April 17, 2012 by DarkPrince

[Ninja'sHusband]

I know the whole thing is a cluster**** but I've tried every other way. If it destroys ou m than it was meant to be. I don't know what else to do. I want what she had and I'm going to get it.she should understand that. Do unto others is what she once told me. Well this is her time. It would be selfish of her to want me to feel cheated plus I want her to know how it felt for me

breeaahhshsdsi hehehe... good luck with that.

 

I guess it's similar to my plan of telling sensei if I do XD. If she can't handle it...welll.....bye (dunno if that's really my plan, just considering it)

[Bryanp]

Do you already have someone in mind for your revenge affair?

[Owl]

Well...if you just want to have her "eat the pain" and you're just wanting some strange...what's stopping you?

 

Why are you asking our thoughts, if that's the center of your focus at this point?

 

Personally, I think it'll be disasterous to any effort to reconcile and rebuild your marriage. I am of the opinion that a revenge affair is WORSE than useless, by far. It creates more damage...and it doesn't do anything to fix the existing damage at all.

 

But if you're already convinced this is what you're going to do...what's stopping you?

[SBC]

Coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!

[Owl]

Coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!

 

Gotta agree with you on that one.

[drifter777]

Let me offer another alternative since I agree with Owl that a revenge affair is probably not going to make you feel any better and might make you feel worse.

 

Stay within your existing relationship, however, your project should not be to have sex with others. It should be to achieve total sexual and psychological domination over your spouse, without violating any laws that could get you in trouble. Use any means of psychological manipulation at your disposal. It will mean you have to force yourself way out of your comfort zone. Even though you are muscular on the outside you seem timid on the inside.

 

You have to totally transform your marriage into a dom/sub relationship with you as the dom and your wife as the sub.

 

You should demand the most humiliating sexual subservience from your wife (don't "ask", demand!) and enforce punishments if she does not comply until she is completely bent to your will. Basically you need to make her into your slave. You should demand subservience and utter obedience in all respects in your marriage. You must completely break her will.

 

This will be a far sweeter victory if you can achieve it than simply cheating on her would be.

 

This is the same advice I would give to any one who has been cuckolded. Most of the betas posting here simply don't have it within themselves to even try.

 

Once you have her beneath your boot heel, and completely subservient to your will, she will love you.

 

It is then and only then that you consider having sex with other women, and you don't hide it from your wife, you simply declare it, and you force her to accept it, if she wants to stay with you.

 

If she doesn't like any of this she always has the option of leaving, which is why most men in your situation would be afraid to even try something like this. They are afraid the wife will simply leave.

 

However, the mentality of the cheating wife is such that they crave being dominated by a super-strong male, even if they won't admit it. It really turns them on. So just give her what she really wants.

 

This post is pretty long to be from a Troll - but it still seems kind of sick to me. But that's just me, your mileage may vary.

 

OP: a RA may kill your marriage dead, and I think that's what you want. You should consider simply filing for divorce and moving out to start a new life. It seems like a more courageous act and one that you will not feel ashamed of no matter how things eventually turn out. If you just want to get even and then begin the reconciliation process, I'm not sure this path will work. The fact that you two have brought other women into bed with you may be an indication that your marriage has been in trouble for a while, but neither of you have the guts to do the right thing - divorce or start working to fix things. Her cheating might be her way of saying it's time to make that choice.

[Owl]

DP, I'd suggest that if you need to change your relationship so severely as to either have to have a revenge affair or go the BDSM route, you're probably better off simply filing for divorce and moving on in your life.

 

At least by doing this you remain someone you can look at in the mirror everyday and still recognize.

[Spark1111]

OMG! Where is the "dislike" button?

 

Here is why RAs do not work.

 

Believe it or not, while it personally devasted you, your wife in her foggy state told herself things like she never meant to hurt you, what you didn't know couldn't hurt you, she could control it (until she couldn't) during her affair.

 

She probably had her life with you and her affair with him very neatly compartmentalized. One didn't affect the other (in her mind) and by having both, she had it all (or, so she delusionally thought.)

 

As much as it kills our ego and self-worth, you, and many a BS, wasn't even a blip on their emotional or physical radar while in the affair.

 

We'd been erased from their memory banks.

 

So, as long as you continue to believe any of this was done to intentionally hurt you by her, even though it did, you miss the point.

 

Unless she specifically set out to hurt you, in which case there would be no remorse or reconciliation even attempted, she will never get the revenge aspect you so desperately want her to feel.

 

You will feel less, and so will she, and your pain and her weak ego will probably not be strong enough to survive it.

 

If you want to truly have a shot at reconciliation, both spouses need to stop trying to punish each other and start healing each other, IMHO.

 

If you can't get passed the mind movies, you need to divorce. It's okay, it happens.

 

Affairs are NOT about looks, personalities, hard bodies.....they are about the way the AP makes them FEEL about themselves. Sad, but true.

[SBC]

...

[DarkPrince]

OMG! Where is the "dislike" button?

 

Here is why RAs do not work.

 

Believe it or not, while it personally devasted you, your wife in her foggy state told herself things like she never meant to hurt you, what you didn't know couldn't hurt you, she could control it (until she couldn't) during her affair.

 

She probably had her life with you and her affair with him very neatly compartmentalized. One didn't affect the other (in her mind) and by having both, she had it all (or, so she delusionally thought.)

 

As much as it kills our ego and self-worth, you, and many a BS, wasn't even a blip on their emotional or physical radar while in the affair.

 

We'd been erased from their memory banks.

 

So, as long as you continue to believe any of this was done to intentionally hurt you by her, even though it did, you miss the point.

 

Unless she specifically set out to hurt you, in which case there would be no remorse or reconciliation even attempted, she will never get the revenge aspect you so desperately want her to feel.

 

You will feel less, and so will she, and your pain and her weak ego will probably not be strong enough to survive it.

 

If you want to truly have a shot at reconciliation, both spouses need to stop trying to punish each other and start healing each other, IMHO.

 

If you can't get passed the mind movies, you need to divorce. It's okay, it happens.

 

Affairs are NOT about looks, personalities, hard bodies.....they are about the way the AP makes them FEEL about themselves. Sad, but true.

 

This post sounds very true. I think that by me being so laid back about it at the time, I believe I was giving my wife signals that I didnt care about her affair. I was very shy and unconfident back then (low self esteem) and I didnt want to be labelled as a jealous guy, so I chose to ignore the obvious signs of the affair and rationalize them instead of confronting them and maybe ending the affair before it started.

My wife took my weakness as indifference, like I didnt care that she was spending so much time with this guy. That was the complete opposite of how I really felt, but I chose to hold this all in and put my trust in her that she would never be unfaithful.

When I got concrete proof of her cheating I was devastated, and in shock for a long time before I even confronted her about it.

Thats the core of this whole mess, is that by me not expressing how I did not want her to hang with that guy, she took it as a green light from me. Now when I tell her how much it hurt me she finds it hard to believe.

 

As far as the RA goes I was mostly venting in my post. I dont think I could pull something so devious and calculating off in real life (unless it just happened spontaneously). I'm not going to go out and look for a RA, BUT if something good comes along, Im not going to turn it down in the name of being a faithful man. When I think of all the women Ive turned away b/c I thought we were in a monoganous relationship it makes me sick.

Edited April 17, 2012 by DarkPrince

[Owl]

That's fair enough...does your wife know and agree with your plan of non-refusal going forward?

 

If so...nothing left to be discussed I'd guess.