New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[twosadthings]

I think you are delusional if you expect the OM to keep your secret. You have described him as looking for or starting trouble. He has insulted your husband and his friends in your home. He has used you for his physical and egotistical needs and offered you his home when your husband kicks you out. I even wonder if you'll find after reflection that his comment about your beautiful world/life wasn't made in a sarcastic manner.

 

In my first post to you I surprized and disappointed myself by not encouraging you to disclose the affair(s). I am wondering if I didn't somehow perceive then that your situation, now revealed forthy-something pages later, was more than your everyday affair.

 

It is hard to have empathy for you but easy to feel for your husband and children. With that said my suggestion, I try never to give advice, is to do what ever it takes to keep your circumstances hidden for your family's benefit. That means getting rid of any smoking guns like motel and restaurant receipts and love notes and photographs. It also means getting a new job sooner than later. I also think you should stop posting on this and other sites. Two hundred plus posts and responses will become very easy to spot if your husband wants to. What does he think you're doing surfing the web at midnight? In addition your nome de plume "Bellechica" sounds like a term of endearment given by a loved one and would be like virtual DNA if it is.

 

Two sad things: infidelity and children crying. You've faithlessly managed the first and will ultimately be responsible for the second.

[manup]

I think I should really just be following the addiction threads. It is more befitting that I learn how to stop what I'm doing. I am scared that the whole world for my kids is going to come crashing disown yet I feel this man has me around his little finger. He won't expose me. It would be scandalous for him as well.

Yes I've had a "taste" of something that's been lacking, but if I can just get over this man, I think I'll be able to think more clearly.

 

I never ever want to have another A. It hurts everyone. I've hurt the OM deeply. I am a complete mess except when I'm faking. Right now the only ones not hurt are my family.

 

I need help and I know it. Yes I'm sick. I get physically sick. Being around my H calms me. I just want his passion again and I want to feel passion for him. He is beautiful.....

 

The truth will set you free.

[Wanderer25]

Come on. You did not hurt the OM. How many times do we have to tell you that. He made the first moves on a married woman. The only victim here is your husband and you family. Any hurt faced by you and the OM are conscious choices made over a period of time. Yes, he(OM) is infatuated with you. But that is because you gave him some good bang for his buck.

 

Let me tell you this. You do not love your husband. You care for him. You like him because of the 20 year bond. You are feeling guilt and regret for potentially putting him in pain . But you don't love him. You pity him out of familiarity.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think I should really just be following the addiction threads. It is more befitting that I learn how to stop what I'm doing. I am scared that the whole world for my kids is going to come crashing disown yet I feel this man has me around his little finger. He won't expose me. It would be scandalous for him as well.

Yes I've had a "taste" of something that's been lacking, but if I can just get over this man, I think I'll be able to think more clearly.

 

I never ever want to have another A. It hurts everyone. I've hurt the OM deeply. I am a complete mess except when I'm faking. Right now the only ones not hurt are my family.

 

I need help and I know it. Yes I'm sick. I get physically sick. Being around my H calms me. I just want his passion again and I want to feel passion for him. He is beautiful.....

 

 

Remember that thread I forwarded you? Another WW in the same position as you? She eventually told because she was concerned with not being able to break the addiction.

 

Start:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/96726-cheating-who-did-not-tell-their-spouse

 

End:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/96726-cheating-who-did-not-tell-their-spouse-34.html#post972782

 

I hope you get better It's a really rough road. My WW was physically ill for a while too. If she had just been honest a lot of that pain and anguish would not have happened. It only got to that hellish point because of her lies.

 

 

If you tell in a loving way and are remorseful, you may not have to deal with as much pain as if it happens another way. And you will have a chance now of REALLY connecting with hubby, he will see what is really going on and who you really are.He will have the chance to love the real *imperfect* you, not a mask. There's nothing wrong with loving someone imperfect. We all do it. It's relationships where people *think* their partner is perfect that are teetering towers waiting to come crashing down imho.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[stillafool]

Belle was the first affair with an AA man as well? Is that the reason why you confided with this man about your first affair?

[JustJoe]

Belle, every decision you have made has been wrong, so why do you think that the decision not to tell is right? Because you aren't very bright and are totally selfish. Sorry , but there it is.

[stillafool]

Belle was the first affair with an AA man as well? Is that the reason why you confided with this man about your first affair?

 

I wonder why Belle won't come back and answer this question.

[Bellechica]

Stillafool, yes he was but that is not why I turned to the OM. It wasn't because of race. I turned to him because I knew he wouldn't judge me and I trusted him. Nofoolforu will say I knew what I was doing, but I promise I didn't think I would end up in an A with this man.

 

I know everyone says we make choices to be in an A, but I feel so out of control. I was doing better when he respected NC, but he worms his way back in. In my past relationships, I was always able to break up with a boyfriend and get on with my life. I've tried so many times to end this A. I've never had a man treat me so horribly as this OM, someone who I thought was a friend. After the PA, he became so bossy and controlling, and jealous of other men at work. He once told me he loved me, but that he felt like choking me at times. I know he feels guilt like I do and that he wants to get on with his life. It's like we love and hate each other. He is so narcissistic, always talking about his body. I'm sure you all think I deserve someone like that. I hate the way he has treated me. It's almost like he punished me for being married.

 

I have asked him to look for another job, and he has agreed. I'm looking as well, but he is in a less specialized field, so he might be able to find one sooner. He thinks we can still be friends. I told him we can't.

 

Nemo, I think you can be addicted to a person and unfortunately I think he and I are addicted to each other. He is destroying everything I hold dear if I allow him to do so.

 

I don't expect anyone here to understand. I know I have to stop and I've gone through the steps to make it happen only to end up at square one, but now it's worse because he called and text my regular cell phone since I got rid of the tracphone. There were no smoking guns: no hotels, no dates in public, no gifts or pictures exchanged, but now I think his ego is so big that he thinks maybe he could be with me.

Edited April 23, 2012 by Bellechica

[Bellechica]

And it sucks we live in a world where race matters because it really shouldn't.....

[Artie Lang]

And it sucks we live in a world where race matters because it really

shouldn't.....

 

i don't understand. do you mean, what your family will think of you, if and when they find out.

 

are they racist or something?

[twosadthings]

A year and half ago, by your own characterizations of your affair partners, you chose to go slumming and take a turn on sleezy street. What comes to mind when I think of what you have done is Mrs. Gump's advice to her son Forrest, "Stupid is as stupid does."

 

The best thing to do when you do something wrong, stupid, bad, selfish, hateful and hateful is to stop doing it. I really feel that you should no longer post on this and other sites even if your situation blows up and I had hoped by your three day absence that you had. It's time to do good, right and smart things for your family instead of selfishly enjoying yourself on here.

 

Your deist creator may not judge your actions but everyone who has posted here, including and most importantly yourself, has found you wanting. It's time to make things right by concentrating on your husband and children not on your need for confession.

 

Two sad things

 

P.S. With each new post you're running a close second to Kidd's wife for most despicable.

 

P.P.S. You're the one who used two black men for sexual thrills. What does that say about you? and don't give us the bullspit that the affairs weren't about the sex

Edited April 23, 2012 by twosadthings
new post from OP

[Bellechica]

Artie, my father-in-law made racist comments a few times during the first few years of my M and I called him out on it. I believe they do look down on AA. My H was raised in that home and although he has never made racist comments, I believe he has some issues. For example, he would not want our daughter dating and AA. I think my own parents would have a problem with it as well.

Someone comment I am proud to be in an A with an AA. To me my "friend's" race had nothing to do with any of this.

I just know that culturally within my own circle that race plays a role.

[Bellechica]

Twosadthings, I didn't say I was slumming about the first AP, only the second because of some of his behaviors. I did not use these men for sex.

 

I agree with you though that it's dangerous for me to post here.

[Bellechica]

William, or any administrator, can you please close and delete this thread?

[Artie Lang]

yeah.....i can see where you're gonna have some trouble when this whole thing blows up in your face.

 

you, nor your husband, are never gonna live this down if that's their attitude.

 

 

i wasn't aware that your previous AP was also an AA. do you think maybe you're doing this subconsciously.....i mean having affairs with people outside your own race.

[SomedayDig]

Ohhh...now you want the thread deleted. How f'ng convenient! Make it all go away. Don't tell your H. Don't confess to your trysts. Just delete it all. Go back to the f'ng Matrix Belle. Where ignorance is bliss.

[twosadthings]

Mrs. Chicka knows full well that her and the happiness of those she loves lies in her getting professional help via her therapist. The posts here are obviously very painful and could quite possible as the result of that pain push her into something tragic.

 

It was no surprise that her affair person would escalate contact despite her denials he would. She, in my opinion needs the clarity of less emotional introspection and that doesn't come from here the majority of the time.

 

If, after the passage of time, she wants to come back with a happy face I for one would be overjoyed to hear her story.

[William]

William, or any administrator, can you please close and delete this thread?

As policy, we rarely delete substantive threads on topics consistent with the community prime directive. I will close this one. If you feel in any way in danger, please contact law enforcement and consider such safety issues closely when sharing your story on the internet under the auspices of soliciting advice and/or support. This is a general comment not directed specifically at the thread starter.

 

Thank you to everyone for your participation.