New here. Married woman who had affair and just ended for good I hope

[Black Jack]

1)She mentioned somewhere that she was afraid of how her husband will react when he finds out who she had an affair with. Considering the trend of woman having affairs with men much worse looking than their H, i am curious.

 

 

2) Doing things with the OM that she never did/offered to her husband gives some insight into her loyalty to her OM and the affair.

 

Her "loyalty" is well known and it is to herself. Being afraid to tell is no excuse. She put herself in a troubling position.

[SandieBeach]

Bells, I have been following your thread very closely, and I think I finally get it. I don't think you aren't telling your husband about the affair because he will divorce you or because your kids will react negatively. I think the main reason you are not telling him is because once he finds out, you will have to stop the affair.

 

Once he finds out, and your families find out, there will be so much pressure on you to end your A and focus on the marriage. At that point you will truly have to turn your back on the OM, and the thought of that hurts, doesn't it?

[Bellechica]

Anne and owl....I hear your logic. Telling forces me to be accountable and to allow me to reconnect with my H, but in doing so I risk rejection that he won't want to....that he will kick my ass to the curb.

 

Yes Anne, I want to save face. I want to preserve my family's reputation. I don't want to be looked down upon by my parents. I'm not the kind of woman who makes such horrible choices.

 

Sandie, no, I do want to be out of the A. The roller coaster of hell.....one minute "high" the other "low". I don't like feeling wreckless and out of control. It would make it easier if the OM would fall in love with someone and move on.

 

Wander, yes, the OM was very different than my H. My H is tall, slender with gorgeous dark hair. He is a very good looking, clean cut man. The OM is of a different race, short, stocky and muscular. He has graying hair but is very strong and commanding. I don't like comparing the two....it feels wrong.

 

Yes, I did many things with him that I had never done with H.

[Ninja'sHusband]

 

Yes, I did many things with him that I had never done with H.

 

 

This is one of the hardest things for me to deal with

 

If my WW does anything differently in bed I constantly think, "This is what OM did!" :mad: I don't know how to deal with it. If she had new experiences, she had them...and I sure as hell don't want to be trying to live up to OM that $*&%! These are the worst mind movies I have, no idea how to get rid of them.

 

 

She claims he was no better lover than me btw....

[SomedayDig]

This is one of the hardest things for me to deal with

 

If my WW does anything differently in bed I constantly think, "This is what OM did!" :mad: I don't know how to deal with it. If she had new experiences, she had them...and I sure as hell don't want to be trying to live up to OM that $*&%! These are the worst mind movies I have, no idea how to get rid of them.

 

 

She claims he was no better lover than me btw....

 

I'm totally there with ya, man. Those mind movies suck sh+t and ya don't even get decent previews of up and coming movies before hand. And no f'ng popcorn. That just ain't right.

(levity my friend...levity)

[Spark1111]

Anne and owl....I hear your logic. Telling forces me to be accountable and to allow me to reconnect with my H, but in doing so I risk rejection that he won't want to....that he will kick my ass to the curb.

 

Yes Anne, I want to save face. I want to preserve my family's reputation. I don't want to be looked down upon by my parents. I'm not the kind of woman who makes such horrible choices.

 

Sandie, no, I do want to be out of the A. The roller coaster of hell.....one minute "high" the other "low". I don't like feeling wreckless and out of control. It would make it easier if the OM would fall in love with someone and move on.

 

Wander, yes, the OM was very different than my H. My H is tall, slender with gorgeous dark hair. He is a very good looking, clean cut man. The OM is of a different race, short, stocky and muscular. He has graying hair but is very strong and commanding. I don't like comparing the two....it feels wrong.

 

Yes, I did many things with him that I had never done with H.

 

Belle, you are a sweet coward. A typical cheater.

 

Until you find the courage to be stronger, to have a stronger marriage, to brave the consequences of your actions......you will just continue to blow with whatever winds take you here and there.

 

Until you own your choices, you will continue to be blown about by any person more forceful, more manipulative, more cunning than you are.

 

You are doomed to whine, stay cowardly, make mistakes, live an unauthentic life, be unhappy and undecided, uncommitted.....maybe forever.

 

I wish you peace, but I doubt you will find it, until you grow a backbone to replace the jelly that currently resides there.

[Artie Lang]

Telling forces me to be accountable and to allow me to reconnect with my H, but in doing so I risk rejection that he won't want to....that he will kick my ass to the curb.

 

these are called consequences, Belle. we must all face them when we have missteps in our lives. how else would we learn if there were no consequences to deal with?

 

 

Yes, I did many things with him that I had never done with H.

 

this is probably why you're addicted. going from no sex, to- as you put it - "f*ck my brains out" sex is hard to get over.

[Bellechica]

Sorry NH and Dig.....I will say that sex w my H was crazy and wild when we were first together. I know the sex with the exOM would get vanilla I'm sure at some point. I didn't want to bring up mind movies.

[Bellechica]

Spark....I do feel like a coward but I feel like if I can just forget the OM, I'll get back to some sense of normalcy.

 

Artie.....yes I feel like an addict and unfortunately the OM got addicted to me too. I'm trying to rationalize that it would eventually get boring. In IC I have been learning to replace anxious feelings I've been having with calming thoughts. I have also been writing down negative things about the exOM.

[Artie Lang]

have you at least disclosed your affair with your counseler? he/she my help you cope with it.

[2sunny]

Have you blocked every way to contact him? Have you block every way for him to contact you?

 

Take that choice out of the equation if you haven't already.

 

And not telling is the secrecy part - that part that KEEPS it exciting if no one knows. That's a good reason to tell right there... No more excitement! Once the secret is out to all - and you own what behavior ou did - the exciting part is finished.

[Bellechica]

She knows Artie and she knows I'm fearful about disclosure and losing my family. I didn't go this week. She knows I want to get over the exOM.

[stillafool]

I'm not the kind of woman who makes such horrible choices.

 

 

 

 

Sorry to break it to you Belle, but you most certainly are that kind of woman. So you are not going to IC but you are still coming here. Why?

[Artie Lang]

that part that KEEPS it exciting if no one knows.

 

totally agree. it's what's keeping her and the OM in it.

 

they have this secret between them. it fuels the lustful feelings.

 

affairs thrive in secrecy.

[Bellechica]

Actually the secrecy part was what sucked. We never went out in public. We could never be open and date. We started feeling too deeply for each other. That's when I knew it had to stop. I didn't love him more than losing my family. Besides affair "love" isn't real, is it? I know the stats. Relationships that begin as As rarely work out. What was the point of it all? Even though he is hurt, we both knew it would end. It's just easier to "say" it's over, but it isn't like our feelings just disappeared.

[Artie Lang]

We started feeling too deeply for each other.

 

so you mean, you got scared when you started to feel you were falling "in love."

 

so this was all about sex, at first? then, the feelings started developing, so you had to end it, right?

 

now you're trying to get over those intense feelings you felt during the affair.

 

 

let me ask you this? if all goes according to your "brilliant" plan-- you're gonna go NC; reclaim the passion in your marriage; try to find another job; and keep the affair under wraps for the foreseeable future. am i correct?

[Spark1111]

Spark....I do feel like a coward but I feel like if I can just forget the OM, I'll get back to some sense of normalcy.

 

Artie.....yes I feel like an addict and unfortunately the OM got addicted to me too. I'm trying to rationalize that it would eventually get boring. In IC I have been learning to replace anxious feelings I've been having with calming thoughts. I have also been writing down negative things about the exOM.

 

Good!

 

Overcoming your fears and insecurities, and not allowing them to control you, is the first step in becoming a strong, mature adult who lives a proud, authentic life.

 

And here is what I asked my spouse, after DDAY: Are you someone I would even want to date today?

 

What do you bring to the table, to make OUR relationship more fun, more interesting, more exciting?

 

Bell, new is easy.

 

What do you bring to your marriage to make it better?

 

Think on that. It is not what we get, it is what we give that improves our long-term love relationships.

 

Here is a test for you. Stop having secret sex with the OM. See how long he sticks around because he finds your personality and character so amazing.

 

Try it. Let me know what happens.

[Bellechica]

Stillafool, I just didn't go to IC this week because of work and the trip tomorrow with my H. I'm still here because I get a lot from reading various threads. I also do not want to turn to anyone I know about what I've done. I honestly didn't think I'd end up in an A with OM. I didn't see him that way....I viewed him as a friend. I hadn't done much research at that point about affairs, and I didn't recognize my boundary issues or lack of self esteem.

[Furious]

She is also addicted to all the attention she is getting here.

This attention is fueling her ego and feeding her obsession with herself.

[Bellechica]

No it was actually an emotional connection first then sex but then he was getting careless...and I was getting wreckless. He wanted more than I could give, and he knew it could destroy my family. We would argue and get depressed then apologize and start the cycle over. I would say "it's over....move on" and he would agree then it would start over.

 

I don't have a plan. At this point I'm living day by day....moment to moment and just happy I'm going away this weekend.

[Bellechica]

Furious, I get a lot out of others threads as well. We can kill this thread if you'd like. I am trying not to be rude if someone has a question.....

[twosadthings]

In your posts of April 11-13 you talked about your background and culture. That the OM wasn't 1/2 the man your husband is. How he looks for and starts trouble. That he is a dark horse bad boy and you would be considered the office golden girl. Then you say that your husband would never suspect that you could be with your AP. Now you talk about him being of another race.

 

Is the reason you won't disclose your affair not because you are ashamed of yourself but really you are ashamed of your affair partner?

[2sunny]

Have you blocked every way to contact him? Have you block every way for him to contact you?

 

Take that choice out of the equation if you haven't already.

 

And not telling is the secrecy part - that part that KEEPS it exciting if no one knows. That's a good reason to tell right there... No more excitement! Once the secret is out to all - and you own what behavior ou did - the exciting part is finished.

 

Can you answer these questions please Belle?

[2sunny]

Good!

 

Overcoming your fears and insecurities, and not allowing them to control you, is the first step in becoming a strong, mature adult who lives a proud, authentic life.

 

And here is what I asked my spouse, after DDAY: Are you someone I would even want to date today?

 

What do you bring to the table, to make OUR relationship more fun, more interesting, more exciting?

 

Bell, new is easy.

 

What do you bring to your marriage to make it better?

 

Think on that. It is not what we get, it is what we give that improves our long-term love relationships.

 

Here is a test for you. Stop having secret sex with the OM. See how long he sticks around because he finds your personality and character so amazing.

 

Try it. Let me know what happens.

 

Spark - this is good - very good!

[Bellechica]

Furious? Am I the only WW that's been here trying to get over her AP? Sorry, I guess most don't stick around.

 

No, I'm not ashamed of him. He is as broken and messed up as me, but he has been to parties at my house where he has offended some people. I actual admire and respect his boldness but because I'm trying to get over him, I try to think about the negative things. He always has some crisis at work. His emotional state changes from one moment to another. He has some trouble at work.

 

My H would have trouble imagining me with him because he is very self absorbed and macho.