"Just for fun"

[beenburned]

Daisy,

I bet they won't feel the same way about it all when it happens to them personally!

 

Let them grow up, fall in love, get married, have kids, a home, cars, 401K's,etc then some OW want their H just for fun. I would love to see what they say about that.

 

I've read on infidelity boards for years, hell has no fury like an OW that finds out her MM has an OOW!

[bentnotbroken]

Daisy,

I bet they won't feel the same way about it all when it happens to them personally!

 

Let them grow up, fall in love, get married, have kids, a home, cars, 401K's,etc then some OW want their H just for fun. I would love to see what they say about that.

 

I've read on infidelity boards for years, hell has no fury like an OW that finds out her MM has an OOW!

 

 

It's daisy...everything is fun at her age.

[whichwayisup]

It's daisy...everything is fun at her age.

Sadly for bubbly daisy now that she 'has' her MM, the role of OW is vacant....

[Prime Vera]

Those who enter an A for the "fun" are acting out a selfish desire like little kids who want what they want. They give zero thought to the feelings of the BS. They never even get that far in their thinking because their intent is purely hedonistic. The BS is just a casualty after the fact.

 

Those who enter the A for "love" do give thought to the feelings of the BS, feel bad and guilty, rationalize it all, and then go ahead and do it anyway. It's a conscious decision that is made knowing full well the BS is going to suffer. It's an intentional decision made over and over that harms the BS. All in the name of love.

 

Tell me again which one is worse?

 

That's like arguing which is worse, involuntary manslaughter or voluntary manslaughter. One involves negligence, the other passion. Guess which one carries the stiffer penalty?

[BrighterWashing]

I may be missing something but I thought the distinction was those who are in it just for fun and wouldn't want him 24/7 vs those who want to stay together and have the W out of the picture?

 

So it isn't that informative to say all As start for fun. Yes they do but necessarily "just" for fun. H's OW was clear late in the affair that she had wanted to change her man from the beginning. So it wasn't "just" for fun. The women who are freaked by him leaving his wife were really in it "just" for fun.

[frozensprouts]

All affairs start just for fun. Do ya think a mm starts an affair to be sad? Wake up ppl!! The love comes later! Your really being a little self righteous don't ya think cuz nobody is already in love when the affair starts cuz it builds up to that. Sorry your hub muffin cheated on you. What a jerk!

 

hub muffin? ( is that anything like a sausage mcmuffin?)

 

your statement about the love coming after seems to go against a lot of what some people say about their affairs. they say it started out as friends, coworkers, neighbors, whatever, and then BAM! they suddenly find out they are "in love" and can control their feelings no longer.

 

depends upon the type of affair, i guess.

[Kidd]

Hi! Yes, I was the OW now married to my AP, then I became the BS.

 

Everyone can give you well wishes if they like. This just seems poetic to me.

[noelle303]

I agree. Why aren't their mothers teaching them these things?

 

Do you have children? If you do I certainly hope you end up with one of those who will listen to every single thing you say and act in every way you tell them.

[Angelina527]

Everyone can give you well wishes if they like. This just seems poetic to me.

 

It sure is and that's why I'm here....I want to help warn other ladies that THIS is what will happen to them.

 

Yes, I have a strong marriage now, but if I could go back and change how we got here, I would.

[Angelina527]

Angelina, I imagine you feel like most everyone's whipping post, it's not right and I'm sorry.

 

I really do, LadyGrey, but I'm also grateful for the kindness and understanding that many of you have shown.

[stillafool]

Do you have children? If you do I certainly hope you end up with one of those who will listen to every single thing you say and act in every way you tell them.

 

No I don't. However, I did have a good mother who taught me to not set out to hurt others when I had a choice in the matter. She was a big believer in Karma.

[findingnemo]

I always shudder to hear people say they are having an affair because they're just "having fun."

 

My husband's OW said those things. "But we're just friends and we were just HAVING FUN, so what's the big deal."

 

Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her.

 

It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit.

 

If you just want to have fun, then find someone who is of the same mindset, but single!

 

Coming in late but I just have to chime in. I've read the whole thread and find that your original post deals with something that many people don't want to accept. Not all OW are the same. Not all OMs sleep with MWs for the same reason. Sometimes an A happens because two people are in love. When a OW says she did it for fun, I wonder. Fun? As in for a few hours of laughs? Why have an A instead of several ONS' then?

 

If I were a BS and asked a OW why she slept with my H and she said it was for "fun", I'd be really pissed off. I'd see it as saying she tried to destroy my family for fun. She took my man for fun. She broke my children's home for fun. So yes, I think the "for fun" reason is worse.

 

Having said that, a OW loving my H is no excuse either. However, I'd leave her alone and concentrate on my WH who is the one who made a commitment to me. The question for me would be why my H had the A. For fun? Or was he in love?

[noelle303]

No I don't. However, I did have a good mother who taught me to not set out to hurt others when I had a choice in the matter. She was a big believer in Karma.

 

As did I. So it's not very nice to hear people blaming her for the mistakes I made when she did nothing but teach me how to morally live my life.

[nofool4u]

Why are you so nasty with me?

 

Read my post again, if you think that was nasty, you have some pretty thin skin.

 

 

Have you not read everything I've ever said?

 

Every word of it, and none of it changes the fact that you think one way of having an affair is worse than another simply because its not how you had your affair.

 

 

I am the FIRST person to say there's no excuse. I WAS WRONG. I hate what I did. I will never forgive myself for being that woman. I despise myself for it.

 

And we hear you there. But you can drop the, other type of affair is worse musings.

 

 

But, let me tell you this: I am more forgiving of the woman who was "in love" with my husband than I am of the one who screwed my life up just for fun. That's a fact.

 

Uh, ok

 

 

It doesn't have a damned thing to do with how I had my affair

 

I beg to differ

 

 

it's about how these other women made me feel.

 

So then you think that the x-wife of your husband should be more understanding of you since you didn't mess with him for "fun"?

 

Now are you done attacking me?

 

Again, thin skin, and you don't know what an attack is. If you think my previous post was and attack or nasty, then you must simply be over sensitive.

[nofool4u]

I think a couple of posters are being a bit too hard on Angelina, but yet at the same time I understand both points.

 

I do think Angelina is one of the posters here who has shown remorse and owned her past and she should be applauded for that.

 

And that is great that she is. I too think she is.

 

But she can dispense with the, "having an affair for fun is worse IMO" than what she did argument.

 

You just have to wonder about someone that had an affair with someone elses husband, but then has the nerve to denigrate someone else doing it to her all because its done in a different manner than she did to someone else.

 

Yes, I believe she is remorseful, and she should just leave it at that.

[nofool4u]

Where did I EVER say mine wasn't cheap?

 

 

You didn't, you did say it was cheap. But you said having it for fun is worse.

 

We are saying it doesn't matter. They are both equally cheap.

[nofool4u]

What words would she need to use make you happy or content or what?

 

Its not what words she should say, its what she shouldn't say. She can feel pain for what is happening to her. But she is in no position to say what is being done to her was worse than what she did to someone else.

 

Again, she is remorseful, I believe that. But she should leave it at that because she risks being hypocritical.

[RickFox]

My ex MW, ten years my junior, she was 27 at the time, climbed into my lap, when we made the decision to start our physical affair said, "let's have fun with this and see where it goes".

 

It ended up being anything but fun......

[nofool4u]

My ex MW, ten years my junior, she was 27 at the time, climbed into my lap, when we made the decision to start our physical affair said, "let's have fun with this and see where it goes".

 

It ended up being anything but fun......

 

You mean for her husband?

[findingnemo]

Isn't it really about how different people react when confronted?

 

A young (or even older) OW who is immature and goes on the defensive is the type to say "I did it for fun. So leave me alone." Someone who knows what they did was wrong and can own it would say one of two things. 1) I love him, or 2) I was attracted to him. The main difference to me is that one is rude and defensive, while the other is not. Even if it was for fun, how callous would you be to tell someone you've just hurt something like that?

 

At the end of the day, it's really just words but the end result for the BW is the same. The pain, the feeling of betrayal, etc. So from the point of view of a BW, she isn't going to split hairs trying to figure out the OW's motivations because they don't change the end result.

 

Angelina, there is some truth to the belief that the reason you can distinguish the "for fun" reason and the "for love" reason is because you once were a OW. Because you were a OW who actually loved your MM, it somehow made it better in your mind. That's human nature. We will do our very best to find the silver lining in a cloud. The truth is that if a BW has never had an A, been a OW, then there's no way she's going to have a clue about the different reasons why women sleep with MMs. It would never occur to her to think about it unless the OW is someone very close to her eg. her sister.

[RickFox]

You mean for her husband?

 

No, I mean for me, for my wife, for her....

[TinaniT]

Hi! Glad I came by today to see this.

 

I know the crippling remorse and disgust in yourself you can go through ending up with your previously married man no matter the particulars and no matter how much you love him - as the reality very much hits the fan in the process of the divorce and remarriage.

 

I can't imagine my husband now cheating on me, but I do know what having a husband cheating on me feels like and knew it as sunlight was shining over everything. So I think I have an idea how you feel.

 

I hope you recover and stop beating yourself up and find happiness. I mean, I am not sure it will ever go away completely; it hasn't yet here, but it goes from daily revulsion in yourself to just when it comes up every so often, triggered Just keep living your life and throw yourself into those you love and taking care of yourself.

 

I can say, however, don't expect a consensus here that you deserve that before it happens. Some people will belittle any pain you ever feel, for the rest of your life, just for the fact of actions you have already taken and cannot change. You have the scarlet letter branded on your skin forever and no personal redemption will satisfy these people - they just want you hurting forever and will delight in it. It is really disgusting from anybody to delight in another's pain - at least you are showing regret for causing pain and I'm sure you always will, and not revel in it.

 

May you find peace and happiness. I hope your marriage fully recovers and I hope that you come to peace enough with the fact that you cannot change your past actions that you do not feel the need to satisfy the bloodlust of those who simply cannot be satisfied unless you have time machine.

[TinaniT]

And that is great that she is. I too think she is.

 

But she can dispense with the, "having an affair for fun is worse IMO" than what she did argument.

 

You just have to wonder about someone that had an affair with someone elses husband, but then has the nerve to denigrate someone else doing it to her all because its done in a different manner than she did to someone else.

 

Yes, I believe she is remorseful, and she should just leave it at that.

 

I think the point is she was remorseful before the affair happened; it didn't make the sudden shock to her. She realized it was wrong. So it's not suddenly not wrong because some twisted idea she deserves it.

 

You know, my husband's ex wife cheated on him before he met me. She still didn't deserve what I did. I still feel extreme regret about how it happened. I would hope anyone would.

 

Also, back when my exhusband cheated on me, before any of this (which obviously didn't hurt me as much as it should have because I did not feel the extreme pain and knowledge in what I did until after I was an OW) - I felt sorry for all the OW who had such lofty feelings for my exhusband. There was anger, but it was tempered with sympathy. I think what you see, then, is the anger without the sympathy to temper it. It was fun to toy with your marriage is not sympathetic.

 

She is not saying what she did wasn't horrible. I know what she is feeling and you would never think that.

 

She is saying she hurts MORE because of hearing the unsympathetic "for fun" reason. And that is personal. and as some BW who were not OW have said, they feel the same way. Why would her emotions be dramatically different because she was an OW who regretted her actions in not taking the proper path before this ever happened? In heart and current morality, she was no different than another BW who's world was caving in. She just had a different backstory - and I'm sure that backstory is causing the pain to magnify and making this harder for her marriage to recover from - because she is telling herself in part she deserved it and it has been a trend for her husband now. That is enough to deal with without having strangers beat her over the head for not saying/feeling exactly the right thing by some unspoken standard.

[Angelina527]

I think the point is she was remorseful before the affair happened; it didn't make the sudden shock to her. She realized it was wrong. So it's not suddenly not wrong because some twisted idea she deserves it.

 

You know, my husband's ex wife cheated on him before he met me. She still didn't deserve what I did. I still feel extreme regret about how it happened. I would hope anyone would.

 

Also, back when my exhusband cheated on me, before any of this (which obviously didn't hurt me as much as it should have because I did not feel the extreme pain and knowledge in what I did until after I was an OW) - I felt sorry for all the OW who had such lofty feelings for my exhusband. There was anger, but it was tempered with sympathy. I think what you see, then, is the anger without the sympathy to temper it. It was fun to toy with your marriage is not sympathetic.

 

She is not saying what she did wasn't horrible. I know what she is feeling and you would never think that.

 

She is saying she hurts MORE because of hearing the unsympathetic "for fun" reason. And that is personal. and as some BW who were not OW have said, they feel the same way. Why would her emotions be dramatically different because she was an OW who regretted her actions in not taking the proper path before this ever happened? In heart and current morality, she was no different than another BW who's world was caving in. She just had a different backstory - and I'm sure that backstory is causing the pain to magnify and making this harder for her marriage to recover from - because she is telling herself in part she deserved it and it has been a trend for her husband now. That is enough to deal with without having strangers beat her over the head for not saying/feeling exactly the right thing by some unspoken standard.

 

Thank you....you've expressed how I feel perfectly.

 

I really don't know how much more clearly I can explain that my personal feelings as a BW have nothing to do with my affair, except that it makes me despise myself even more.

[beenburned]

Tinani,

I think you are exactly right about it hurting more when it was all just for fun!

 

This kind of OW gives no thought to who they might hurt, families they might destroy, no sympathy at all, they are only out for themselves, at the expense of everyone else, all for a little fun.

 

I agree with LG that usually this type of OW is young, naive, selfish, and very immature! All of my H's 3 OW were this type. I think it makes them feel like they are hot ****, just because a MM wants to have sex with them.

 

I would much rather had a OW like Angelina, who fell in love with my H and wanted to marry him. Especially when she fully realizes that they were wrong to go about it in the way they did. She is remorseful and regrets her actions.

To me that means she has learned her lessons the hard way, never to repeat them again.

 

The same can be said of a former WS who is remorseful and regrets what they did, never to repeat it again. This is the only kind of WS that does deserve a second chance to reconcile with his/her BS!