Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I always shudder to hear people say they are having an affair because they're just "having fun." My husband's OW said those things. "But we're just friends and we were just HAVING FUN, so what's the big deal." Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her. It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit. If you just want to have fun, then find someone who is of the same mindset, but single! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 you know, i have in my lifetime known several people who have had affairs - and to date, i've never met anyone who says they're having an affair, because it's fun, or to have fun, or because they want fun..... It's never been 'just for fun'..... Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Were you just having fun when you were an OW? Was your husband just having fun when he cheated with you and his new OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Were you just having fun when you were an OW? Was your husband just having fun when he cheated with you and his new OW? Nope, I was not just in it for fun. I'm deeply ashamed of my affair with my husband, but I can say that it was never just for sex or a good time. I'll never forgive myself for my part when I was his OW. I can't speak for him because as much as we've healed, I'll never really know his true motivations, will I? At any rate, they had all the fun and I had all the pain. I've been having a rough time of it lately...two years later and I'm still hurting. It's not fun. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Nope, I was not just in it for fun. I'm deeply ashamed of my affair with my husband, but I can say that it was never just for sex or a good time. I'll never forgive myself for my part when I was his OW. I can't speak for him because as much as we've healed, I'll never really know his true motivations, will I? At any rate, they had all the fun and I had all the pain. I've been having a rough time of it lately...two years later and I'm still hurting. It's not fun. Probably the threads in this section lately have triggered you. Triggers are no fun, to say the least. Don't know your story so I'll have to read your old posts. No matter your back story, I am sorry you are hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Probably the threads in this section lately have triggered you. Triggers are no fun, to say the least. Don't know your story so I'll have to read your old posts. No matter your back story, I am sorry you are hurting. Thank you, Mercy. Yes, the threads are huge triggers for me lately and I don't know why I read or post. My husband begs me to stay away, but it's like I'm torturing myself. I think I need the insights and want to help people, but I'm also punishing myself. I deserve this. BUT, I have such a hard time with the blase attitudes towards affairs...this is someone's life at stake here...it's not just for fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I always shudder to hear people say they are having an affair because they're just "having fun." My husband's OW said those things. "But we're just friends and we were just HAVING FUN, so what's the big deal." Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her. It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit. If you just want to have fun, then find someone who is of the same mindset, but single! Hi Angelina!!!! I apologize but I did not read your previous posts. Did you say that you were the OW? and now you are married or with your AP? Just trying to understand! Thanks..... Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you, Mercy. Yes, the threads are huge triggers for me lately and I don't know why I read or post. My husband begs me to stay away, but it's like I'm torturing myself. I think I need the insights and want to help people, but I'm also punishing myself. I deserve this. BUT, I have such a hard time with the blase attitudes towards affairs...this is someone's life at stake here...it's not just for fun. But if its someone's life at stake, is there ever a good reason for the affair? what's the difference between It's just fun or we're in love, or we're bored, or we're getting revenge and acting out? There really is no difference. An affair is an affair is an affair. And if it was love, or if it was any noble intention, then a divorce should have happened and an affair altogether should have been avoided. I've been in an affair and I realized that although I was so in love with him, and he claims the same for me, it doesn't matter what the reason was, we still didn't go about it right. So at the end of the day, why does the reason matter so much? Sure, "it's fun" means that your H put your M at risk for just a little fun, but would you have rather he say "oh, she loves me". I am sorry that you're in pain, I hope you find a way to find peace. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you, Mercy. Yes, the threads are huge triggers for me lately and I don't know why I read or post. My husband begs me to stay away, but it's like I'm torturing myself. I think I need the insights and want to help people, but I'm also punishing myself. I deserve this. BUT, I have such a hard time with the blase attitudes towards affairs...this is someone's life at stake here...it's not just for fun. Please read this. 4 Simple Steps to Freedom | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In Number 4 really speaks to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I always shudder to hear people say they are having an affair because they're just "having fun." My husband's OW said those things. "But we're just friends and we were just HAVING FUN, so what's the big deal." Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her. It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit. If you just want to have fun, then find someone who is of the same mindset, but single! I totally agree. It's incredible how selfish some people can be. I'm sorry you are in pain and hope you are on your way to healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I totally agree. It's incredible how selfish some people can be. I'm sorry you are in pain and hope you are on your way to healing. That is th e point: No matter WHAT the reason, it is the height of selfish, self-serving behavior. And for those of us who love deeply, to destroy lives just for "fun" seems like the height of immature, self-serving selfishness. I think it is less about the reason why, as it is about: How could you do this to me, to us? And there is no good answer for that one, IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 But if its someone's life at stake, is there ever a good reason for the affair? what's the difference between It's just fun or we're in love, or we're bored, or we're getting revenge and acting out? There really is no difference. An affair is an affair is an affair. And if it was love, or if it was any noble intention, then a divorce should have happened and an affair altogether should have been avoided. I've been in an affair and I realized that although I was so in love with him, and he claims the same for me, it doesn't matter what the reason was, we still didn't go about it right. So at the end of the day, why does the reason matter so much? Sure, "it's fun" means that your H put your M at risk for just a little fun, but would you have rather he say "oh, she loves me". I am sorry that you're in pain, I hope you find a way to find peace. No, the reason doesn't matter I suppose. But the just for fun attitude seems so...I don't know. There is nothing good about any of it, but it's the attitudes that if it's just sex then so what. My point is this: it may be fun for the AP's, but it's not fun for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hi Angelina!!!! I apologize but I did not read your previous posts. Did you say that you were the OW? and now you are married or with your AP? Just trying to understand! Thanks..... Hi! Yes, I was the OW now married to my AP, then I became the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I always shudder to hear people say they are having an affair because they're just "having fun." My husband's OW said those things. "But we're just friends and we were just HAVING FUN, so what's the big deal." Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her. It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit. If you just want to have fun, then find someone who is of the same mindset, but single! Angelina, I think for the most part, when people say they are "just having fun" in an A, they are covering up how they really feel. Some of the time, when A's start out as just sex, its easy to say this line of crap. Over the course of an A, things start to change. You cannot help but start to have feelings for someone youve been sleeping with for awhile. Even DM said this himself in his thread. He knew once the feelings started to come, he needed to do something about it. Ive read where some OW just bury their real feelings deep down. I think most of them know that if they start to convey how they are feeling about their MM, the MM would back off or run for the hills. In other words, dont rock the boat. Its easy to say "Hey, Im in it for the fun or we are just FWB". When really all it is is a cover up so you dont end up getting hurt. Because I do believe that everyone who involves themselves in a A, deep down know they are wrong. Period. Anywho, I have not read your backstory. I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish you peace and I hope you find some happiness in your life to come. I think we all deserve it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 No, the reason doesn't matter I suppose. But the just for fun attitude seems so...I don't know. There is nothing good about any of it, but it's the attitudes that if it's just sex then so what. My point is this: it may be fun for the AP's, but it's not fun for everyone involved. I get what you're saying. For the OW/OM to just say hey we're just having fun - cheapens the whole thing even more, by implying that they don't care that the BS gets hurt, as long as the MP and the AP are having fun, or that its just for sex, so chill out, type of thing. I get what you're saying. For the record, my experience with the A was way more pain than any fun. And I think that a lot of APs feel the same way. Except for the few posts here that say otherwise. I find it hard to conceive that anyone can have that fun without feeling guilt about their actions ever. I think some people lie about their real situation in an attempt to keep appearances and pretend that they can be so detached from the consequences of their actions, or maybe they are more trying to convince themselves than they are trying to convince others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hi! Yes, I was the OW now married to my AP, then I became the BS. Thanks Angelina for answering my question!! But you said this husband that you had the affair with CHEATED on you? Oh My!!! But there is an old saying....History repeats itself! and Karma is a Bit..! I am so sorry you are hurting! I hope you can get your M back together! Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 what i guess i don't understand is the idea that someone can't just find a single person to have "fun and sex" with... especially if the are female. i mean, there's a ton of single guys out there who would probably just love to have a no strings attached relationship, so why not find one of them? Why not pass by the married guys ? Is there something they can give you that a single guy can't? My husband's ex-affair partner was like that. She could have any one of the many single guys around here, yet she chooses married ones. I never understood that. Where's the appeal in that kind of thing anyway? why the need to have "fun and sex" at the expense of someone else's feelings? OP, I'm sorry you are hurting right now, but i do thank you for asking some questions and making some points that cause others to take a few minutes and think about things. take some comfort in the fact that you are maybe helping someone else and maybe your words will have helped keep someone else from hurting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Well, it may be nothing to you, but remember that some day the wife WILL find out and it's not fun for her. It's not fun at all. I'm the one left with the pain and hurt...I'm not having any fun....not one little bit. You really think they care? Thats why they say they are just having fun. They don't care if its at someone elses expense and will use the old tired, "I'm not the one who said vows to them" to get out of accepting any responsibility of doing wrong to someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) Nope, I was not just in it for fun. I'm deeply ashamed of my affair with my husband, but I can say that it was never just for sex or a good time. I'll never forgive myself for my part when I was his OW. I can't speak for him because as much as we've healed, I'll never really know his true motivations, will I? At any rate, they had all the fun and I had all the pain. I've been having a rough time of it lately...two years later and I'm still hurting. It's not fun. Oh so you are an OW now turned BS? If thats the case, what does it matter whether they are saying they are just having fun or not? Because you say yours wasn't just about fun that makes it much different? Edited March 12, 2012 by nofool4u Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thanks Angelina for answering my question!! But you said this husband that you had the affair with CHEATED on you? Oh My!!! But there is an old saying....History repeats itself! and Karma is a Bit..! I am so sorry you are hurting! I hope you can get your M back together! Yes, Karma certainly is a bit$h and I got exactly what I deserved. I pay the price every single minute of every single day. My husband and I thought we had this great connection, we were special, soulmates, etc. etc. We didn't have anything special at all! But NOW we do...now that we've been through the hard stuff, now we have a connection that nobody can touch. I guess that's what so many in an affair need to understand...no matter how special you (and I) think the relationship is, it's nothing until you have to do the hard stuff. It's fantasy. The wife? She's had the hard stuff...THAT relationship is more real than you can ever know. We loved each other, but we went about it in the wrong way and that made everything more difficult. Now we're good and strong, but we still hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Yes, Karma certainly is a bit$h and I got exactly what I deserved. I pay the price every single minute of every single day. My husband and I thought we had this great connection, we were special, soulmates, etc. etc. We didn't have anything special at all! But NOW we do...now that we've been through the hard stuff, now we have a connection that nobody can touch. I guess that's what so many in an affair need to understand...no matter how special you (and I) think the relationship is, it's nothing until you have to do the hard stuff. It's fantasy. The wife? She's had the hard stuff...THAT relationship is more real than you can ever know. We loved each other, but we went about it in the wrong way and that made everything more difficult. Now we're good and strong, but we still hurt. Hi Angelina!!! Hindsight is 20/20! I never thought I had anything special with xMM. He always told me I was his soulmate...cough...but I knew better! He was in it for himself! I heard all the cliches' known to man or the OW....Now I have to really laugh at him. I did not trust him and I certainly do not trust him now. I could never be with a man who could cheat on his wife so easily and for a long period of time....no matter how much counseling or heart to hearts I have had with him. I was the one that walked away and begged I mean begged him to go into counseling with his W but his answer was it won't work...But you don't know until you have tried!!! I knew it was wrong but the strange thing...he NEVER did. He had the entitled feeling with the A....He was providing a wonderful life for his family so why not do this for himself? Yeah I know.... a little narcissistic.... I really feel sorry for his W. She deserves much better! And I hope she gets it. If it wasn't me...it would have been another woman! He wasn't and isn't happy with himself. I was providing an outlet from his mundane and roommate marriage. So what I am telling you...is just be careful. Don't kid yourself and always be on your toes... I had also thought xMM marriage was ROCK SOLID....He always put out the facade that his M was wonderful...NOT!!! It took him all of 2 seconds to rush into an affair. Be safe.............. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Now we're good and strong, but we still hurt. Ime, hurting is a signal that something is wrong. Maybe its in you, maybe its in your M...dunno...but to have hurt is to have something wrong. That's what pain is...a signal that something needs attention...that something isn't right. Can you identify the source of the hurt? Can you take steps to rid yourself of it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Oh so you are an OW now turned BS? If thats the case, what does it matter whether they are saying they are just having fun or not? Because you say yours wasn't just about fun that makes it much different? Read what Tiger said...she expressed it quite well. It cheapens it somehow if it's just for fun. I cared very much what happened to my husband's wife, but I didn't see it from this side to understand just how wrong the affair was. I'll be ashamed until the day that I die for what I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angelina527 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Ime, hurting is a signal that something is wrong. Maybe its in you, maybe its in your M...dunno...but to have hurt is to have something wrong. That's what pain is...a signal that something needs attention...that something isn't right. Can you identify the source of the hurt? Can you take steps to rid yourself of it? Of course I can....it's grief and it's perfectly normal. It takes years to recover fully. There is nothing wrong now except what was done before. Triggers are my biggest enemy. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 It begs the question: Is part of the "fun" the fact that another is being betrayed? For your spouse, was part of the "fun" that he was getting away with betraying you? Fun that creates another's pain....that's some twisted thrills Link to post Share on other sites
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