Does any of this sound familiar?

[frozensprouts]

I am confident that she is going to help me find the strength to end this dead end relationship.

 

that is wonderful news:)

 

but 2sunny is right...the strength is already there, within you. You just need to find it...

 

You can do it...I know you can, and when it does, you'll feel really free, like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders.

[2sunny]

Bailey - what kind of words does he choose when he's with you?

 

Pay attention to exactly what he says. Is he offering you ANYHING? Or is he just full of himself while he hangs around expecting his sex?

 

Many times - when a gal actually starts paying attention - and stays QUIET for long periods of time around her man - it becomes painfully obvious that he's not there to BE HER PARTNER - but just present enough to get what he needs without offering anything of substance to the woman.

 

Pay attention while you stay quiet... It's very telling.

[2sunny]

Finally! I was in a massive funk since Valentines Day and I'm coming out of it! Whew. I've also figured a few things out and I am happy to say that I am confident that ALL of the decisions I've made regarding relationships are right for me. You know what's really nice? I finally feel free for the first time in a looooong time. When I walked out of LTR over 4 years ago, it was the BEST decision I've ever made. It's been a bumpy roller coaster ride in a lot of ways, but it forced me to face my demons and finally let go of relationships and friendships that were simply not healthy for me. I'm free now to focus on what *I* want in life and even though I'm still in a little funk, it feels liberating.

 

Just remember, if something doesn't feel right to you and staying means you have to compromise the core of who you are, then it's okay to walk away. It might make people angry, but you know what?...if it's not right for you, it's not right...that's all. Don't worry about what they might say to make themselves feel better because in the end, if staying wasn't right, then walking away was the best for everyone involved. They may never really "see" their role in it and that doesn't matter either as long as you understand and accept yours.

 

Best wishes everyone! I hope you all find peace and the happiness you are looking for.

 

This was in another thread and it made me think of you, Bailey... Xo

[Bailey14]

2sunny, i have been thinking about what you posted about listening to what he says.......the last time we were together he told me how joyful he feels when he anticipates being with me, how much he loves my confidence and my spirit.

He told me he loves to look at my face. We talked non-stop for 2 hours and then he went home......no sex. I asked him recently what would happen to our relationship if I told him the sex had to stop.....he told me it would not end his desire to spend time with me.

[2sunny]

2sunny, i have been thinking about what you posted about listening to what he says.......the last time we were together he told me how joyful he feels when he anticipates being with me, how much he loves my confidence and my spirit.

He told me he loves to look at my face. We talked non-stop for 2 hours and then he went home......no sex. I asked him recently what would happen to our relationship if I told him the sex had to stop.....he told me it would not end his desire to spend time with me.

 

So next time just stay quiet and let him do all the talking. Listen to what he says! It should tell you something you need to understand.

 

If he gives info - just ask more questions and see what he tells you.

[Bailey14]

I am so intrigued by this......what are you thinking i will discover? You are sooooo insightful so I know you have something in mind!

[2sunny]

Well... Usually a few things happen...

 

 

Since you won't be thinking about what you need to say - You will be capable of listening better. Most men talk about themselves a lot.

 

But most men who are interested in the WOMAN he's with talk about what they intend to provide for them. See IF he even mentions anything. IF he does - ask him how he plans to do those things...? With every bit of info - ask him how he's planning to keep his word.

 

Is it all empty chatter? Is it designed to be interested in YOU? Your future? Your plans? What's BEST for you and YOUR future?

 

Or is it all the pie in the sky empty promises.

 

Is it designed so you feel sorry enough for him to keep continuing?

 

Or is it all about what he's been doing with his wife and family but so carefully worded that he is sure to leave out that important piece of his everyday life ( his wife).

 

Does he keep his word? Does he consider YOUR feelings? Does he realize how little he offers YOU? Does he realize how much more YOU deserve?

 

It's just to notice HOW he participates, and what he's actually sayIng so you can weigh it against what you see him do with his actions... You know, that HONORABLE part of a man, his word as HIS honesty and truth.

Edited March 2, 2012 by 2sunny

[Bailey14]

Does he keep his word? Yes. Does he consider my feelings? Yes. Does he realize how little he offers me? Most definitely. Does he realize how much more I deserve? He tells me that all the time. He once sent me a text after I told him that I love him. He wrote "I fear that one day you will grow tired of our situation and all the conditions attached and that you will no longer love me."

I realize very few people can understand this but, he is a good man and his sin is that he loves two women. It would all be so much easier to hate him if he treated me badly.

[2sunny]

Well then - try out the exercise and just listen to what he's really saying, ok?

[Bailey14]

You are a wiser woman than I!!! I'll try it.

[2sunny]

Is it this weekend?

[Bailey14]

Don't know when I will see him again.......

[2sunny]

I thought you said its once each month?

[2sunny]

He's not as good at his word as you think...

 

Discrepancies in his word -

 

He's a devout Catholic (no he's not - according to his actions which don't match his word)

 

He promised to love, honor and cherish his wife - does it look like he's keeping his word? Nope - his actions prove otherwise.

 

I doubt he's honest with his wife about seeing you - so he probably lies a lot to her to see you. More lies that don't match his actions.

 

Says he loves his wife - no he doesn't or he wouldn't hurt her with his actions.

 

Says he loves you - no he doesn't or he wouldn't hurt you by keeping you strung along.

 

He loves HIMSELF. Yep, that is who he loves - and that is who he serves best... Every time.

 

Be a good listener... You can HEAR things with a different perspective when you don't intend to engage with him by speaking.

[2sunny]

And I bet he says he'll always be there for you, huh?

 

He can't! So he doesn't keep his word.

 

Because IF you need him - you can't call him at home and tell him what you need. If you were in an accident - he wouldn't drop everything and be at the hospital round the clock...

Edited March 2, 2012 by 2sunny

[Bailey14]

No, he has never said he'll always be there for me and I have never asked for that. I was married to a man who was never there for me and ever since then I have never expected a man to always be there for me. I count on my women friends for that.

[2sunny]

No, he has never said he'll always be there for me and I have never asked for that. I was married to a man who was never there for me and ever since then I have never expected a man to always be there for me. I count on my women friends for that.

 

Then you were with the wrong man for you. Not all men are like your exH.

 

Don't set your basis or guideline so low - as to expect nothing.

 

Start expecting things from a man - things YOU deserve by having a partner and a lover and a friend.

 

When you EXPECT it - that is when you WILL get it!

 

Have good/high expectations for yourself... You deserve it!

 

Never, ever settle!

[frozensprouts]

2sunny, i have been thinking about what you posted about listening to what he says.......the last time we were together he told me how joyful he feels when he anticipates being with me, how much he loves my confidence and my spirit.

.

 

this is nice...for him

 

how about for you? what about you and your feelings? does he care that being in an affair with him is causing you to have feelings of guilt and sadness? That you are spending quite a bit of time unhappy because of the affair. Does he care ( and I don't mean just that he says he cares, but rather what is he willing to do for you to stop feeling guilty and stop feeling so unhappy?)

 

he says he loves your confidence and spirit, yet he is involved in relationship with you that is quashing the very things he says he loves.

 

Let me put it this way...

there is another poster on here who is the other man to a woman in an abusive ( verbal plus a bit of physical0 marriage. posters have tried to warn him that this could be dangerous for her should her husband find out, that he is , in essence, "enabling" her to stay in a bad situation. His answer is that they are long lost sweethearts who love ach other and even though he knows, on one level, it could be bad for her, he doesn't want to pass up his chance to be happy with her.

 

he "loves" her, yet is doing something bad for her because of how it makes him feel

 

 

do you see what I am trying( in a clumsy way)to get at here?

 

 

if he loves you, he won't want to hurt you just so he can have his "escape", yet he just keeps on going...

 

does he know this is hurting you so much...does he really understand?

 

hope you have a great day today...it's Friday! Hope you have a really great weekend too. Take some time to rediscover how great you can be on your own...I'll tell you again, you are a kind, compassionate woman with a lot of empathy and strength...find that strength again! You can do it!

Edited March 2, 2012 by frozensprouts

[2sunny]

If I felt I needed to "settle" in order to be with a man - that would indicate that I shouldn't be with him.

 

If I had "negative feelings" in order to be with someone - my gut would be telling me it's just not right.

 

If I had to compromise my core values in order to be with someone - I wouldn't be with them.

 

I'm not willing to compromise "myself" THAT much in order to have someone care about me.

[Gentlegirl2]

You are right on the money with this one.

 

I have been dating and can't find anybody with whom I am satisfied. One guy said that I was being too fussy.

 

I asked him "Too fussy for whom?? You or me?"

 

I WILL never just settle. I expect to be able to depend on the man I choose. I don't want to rely on women friends.

 

Bailey... you should set your expectations very high.. as high as you like. YOu have a lot to lose if you don't.

 

I settled for being second best to xMM for 3 years . I will never ever do that again.

 

It has taught me that I have to hold myself in high esteem if I want others to do the same. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than settle for less than I expect.

 

All men are not like your xH. YOur present MM is a religious hypocrite to beging with and much more. 2 Sunny has pointed all this out to you.

 

You really need to man up or woman up and get this weak creep out of your life.

 

Warm wishes to you in a verty difficult time.

 

GG

[Bailey14]

Thank you, ladies, for your thoughtful feedback. Quitting this relationship will be very much like quitting smoking. I knew it was bad for me but, all the encouragement in the world from my friends and family didn't cause me to quit. I had to do it on my own terms, when the time was right. You all think I have the courage.......and I sooooooo appreciate that. When I think I have the courage I will end things. Just please stick with me while I continue my therapy.

[Lostinlife4now]

Thank you, ladies, for your thoughtful feedback. Quitting this relationship will be very much like quitting smoking. I knew it was bad for me but, all the encouragement in the world from my friends and family didn't cause me to quit. I had to do it on my own terms, when the time was right. You all think I have the courage.......and I sooooooo appreciate that. When I think I have the courage I will end things. Just please stick with me while I continue my therapy.

 

 

Good Morning Bailey!

 

You sound good! I am happy for you! If I can do it...believe me so can you!

I was with xMM for alot of years....NOW....like I said to you before in an earlier post...HE IS A JOKE!!! and his W can have him. I actually feel sorry for his W that she is married to a man like him. She deserves so much more. These men are in it for THEMSELVES! It has taken me a long time to figure this out. We are their entertainment because their lives are boring and mundane being in their marriage. And why should they have their cake and eat it too? I was making it VERY EASY for him to stay in his marriage. Like a drug addict...he would see me and GET HIS FIX! Understand? What's Love Got To Do With It? as Tina Turner said...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! It took me quite a while to get to this place of INDIFFERENCE...But I have arrived..and it feels so GOOD! You will also feel good. When you end this...which should be today...you will have an extra spring in your step...I hop around now, I am so joyful to be rid of him!

 

Yes you will go thru an emotional withdrawal, but it is a good cleaning out of the soul!

 

Hang in there! YOU WILL DO THIS!!!!!!

 

Love....................

[frozensprouts]

Thank you, ladies, for your thoughtful feedback. Quitting this relationship will be very much like quitting smoking. I knew it was bad for me but, all the encouragement in the world from my friends and family didn't cause me to quit. I had to do it on my own terms, when the time was right. You all think I have the courage.......and I sooooooo appreciate that. When I think I have the courage I will end things. Just please stick with me while I continue my therapy.

 

 

there is something to be said for ending a relationship on your own terms, from a position of strength.

 

When you do feel that you are ready to call it quits , do you have a strong 'real life" support system there to help you when you need it?

 

Rather than looking at it as a negative experience, you could look at it as an opportunity for personal growth, and it sounds very much like yu are doing just that ( I think that takes a lot of courage...it's something a lot of people are too scared to do, you are one brave lady!)

 

I hope you are having a great weekend

[Bailey14]

Sprouts, I don't know what you do for a living but, you really should think about becoming a life coach. I appreciate your compassion and understanding.

And, yes, I do have a very strong support system and they will be here for me

when the end comes.

[whichwayisup]

Sprouts, I don't know what you do for a living but, you really should think about becoming a life coach. I appreciate your compassion and understanding.

And, yes, I do have a very strong support system and they will be here for me

when the end comes.

 

And you have everybody on here too, to help you, listen to you and give you support, encouragment etc..

 

You are strong, but be stronger and shield proof your life and cover up any holes/cracks so when you do end things, it's done for good and he won't sneak (aka manipulate you selfishly) back into his life..

 

Have you tried doing yoga and meditation? This gives your body, mind and soul, your brain a powerful feeling and peaceful feeling all at once.