Does any of this sound familiar?

February 23, 2012

Good question Bailey!

What started my contact was a number of scenarios... 1) I was tired of always being alone (am still alone but in a different way) 2) Feeling dirty after he left me...and 3) This is the big one...He went on a 2 week vacation with his family and was calling me...I am like WTF?? How can you go away to the beach and be calling me...I figured out that I WAS BEING USED....He was bored and he needed me to ENTERTAIN him...When he had come home from vacation, I had asked a simple question..When can I see you..HE freaked out and said..."are you kidding me" I just got home from vacation and am soooo busy with work". THAT STARTED IT OFF....Then I became very pissy, hurt, and then I knew I WAS DONE...His selfish ways had a way of streaming through!

I had asked him how can you go away for 2 weeks and be screwing someone else????? It is for my kids....Ugh!!!!!!! Face it, you love her, you like being married to her...I mean nothing... So I tormented him for a while...(he deserved it) and then I told him to HIT THE ROAD JACK.....I never want anything to do with you again... You are a joke!!!!

He will never get a divorce!!! He can't and won't hurt his W. Well lucky her.. NOT!!! I would not want to be with a man that can cheat for years and have no remorse or respect for his W.

Get out now Bailey...you are done!!!!! You will FEEL SO GOOD after you make this decision! I may be lonely at times....BUT I AM NOT LONELY FOR HIM!!!!!!

Love to you!

February 23, 2012

If you really are at a point where you feel he needs to decide what he wants, then perhaps ( and this may sound somewhat radical) it may be time to let his wife know what has been going on. If nothing else, it give her what she needs to make informed decisions about her life, and it may cause things to come to a head and the married guy you are seeing will have to make a decision about what he wants to do.

There are positives and negatives to doing so, and only you will know if it's right for your situation or not.

Once his wife finds out, any number of things could happen. She may get really angry and hurt and tell him their marriage is over. She may tell him to leave. She may be very hurt and angry and tell him that they need to attend marriage counseling, etc. and that he needs to stop seeing you. She may get very angry with you ( if she knows you are the woman he was seeing)

As for what he will do, well, that's hard to say.

What ever decision you make in the future, he needs to know, right now, that you are hurting. If he loves you enough, he won't want to see you in pain. The problem though is that he may not have enough inner strength to make a decision that will be of most benefit to you, and may make one that's easiest for himself ... he is , after all, a human being and like the rest of us, prone to making decisions based upon what easiest and most comfortable, not always what's best. If you feel that it's time for the relationship to be over, you may have only your own strength to call upon, as he may not have the inner strength to not contact you, etc.

you'll know when the time is right for you to do that...some have to build up to it, some find it easier to just do it...ind of like ripping the band aid off all at once.

whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck and much happiness in your life:) remember....you have an inner strength in you that you can call on in times like these...don't let yourself fall victim to self doubt...you are stronger than you think

February 23, 2012

Frozen sprouts, there is no question in my mind that he will never leave his wife. If his wife should predecease him he would marry me but, he will not break up his family. Telling his wife would serve no purpose. In all probability his wife would leave him and our relationship would end. Having been the BS at one time many years ago, I could never do that to her. It is not my place.

I have decided, though, as I mentioned in an earlier post, that I must tell him that I am in a great deal of pain. The last time I saw him I told him I was seeing a therapist and that my goal was to find out why I continue to be involved in a relationship that gives me only crumbs. He seemed very taken aback by that comment. The reality is, though, that I am a very good actor and he has noooooooooo idea how much I am hurting.

February 23, 2012

Lostinlife, I wish I were as confident as you are......I have tried to end the relationship twice and both times I thought I was going to die from the grief.

I need to spend a little bit more time in therapy before I can move on.

February 23, 2012

Frozen sprouts, there is no question in my mind that he will never leave his wife. If his wife should predecease him he would marry me but, he will not break up his family. Telling his wife would serve no purpose. In all probability his wife would leave him and our relationship would end. Having been the BS at one time many years ago, I could never do that to her. It is not my place.
I have decided, though, as I mentioned in an earlier post, that I must tell him that I am in a great deal of pain. The last time I saw him I told him I was seeing a therapist and that my goal was to find out why I continue to be involved in a relationship that gives me only crumbs. He seemed very taken aback by that comment. The reality is, though, that I am a very good actor and he has noooooooooo idea how much I am hurting.

I am very glad you are going to tell him. He needs to know. you seem like such a nice lady, and it is so wrong that you are hurting like this.

Do you have any thoughts or plans for what you will do once he knows?

February 23, 2012

Frozen sprouts, there is no question in my mind that he will never leave his wife. If his wife should predecease him he would marry me but, he will not break up his family. Telling his wife would serve no purpose. In all probability his wife would leave him and our relationship would end. Having been the BS at one time many years ago, I could never do that to her. It is not my place.
I have decided, though, as I mentioned in an earlier post, that I must tell him that I am in a great deal of pain. The last time I saw him I told him I was seeing a therapist and that my goal was to find out why I continue to be involved in a relationship that gives me only crumbs. He seemed very taken aback by that comment. The reality is, though, that I am a very good actor and he has noooooooooo idea how much I am hurting.

I'm trying to understand the bolded and what you mean by you could never do that to her.

Do you think the telling is so much worse than participating in the betrayal? I was in the position of finding out a good friend was being cheated on and I did tell her, out of compassion and loyalty to her, not wanting her to live a lie and not wanting to be a holder of that lie since I knew the truth. It was not a pleasant thing to do, but I would have found it even more unpleasant keeping the betrayal a secret from her. Do you think the telling itself is horrible?

I can understand you not wanting to tell in this case, given you own role in this. I also think one never knows how the BS will react, so I would not be so certain that she would divorce him. Even the BS is often unable to predict how they themselves would react. In my friend's case, it ultimately turned out they repaired and strengthened their M. However, I had no way of being certain that would be the outcome. I just knew my friend did not deserve to live a lie.

February 23, 2012

I'm trying to understand the bolded and what you mean by you could never do that to her.

Do you think the telling is so much worse than participating in the betrayal? I was in the position of finding out a good friend was being cheated on and I did tell her, out of compassion and loyalty to her, not wanting her to live a lie and not wanting to be a holder of that lie since I knew the truth. It was not a pleasant thing to do, but I would have found it even more unpleasant keeping the betrayal a secret from her. Do you think the telling itself is horrible?

I can understand you not wanting to tell in this case, given you own role in this. I also think one never knows how the BS will react, so I would not be so certain that she would divorce him. Even the BS is often unable to predict how they themselves would react. In my friend's case, it ultimately turned out they repaired and strengthened their M. However, I had no way of being certain that would be the outcome. I just knew my friend did not deserve to live a lie.

this is true....

I had always thought ( and said) that if my husband cheats on me, I will get a divorce so quick his head will spin...

thing is, when it actually happened, I didn't do that. I did everything i could to stay together until I was just worn but and couldn't do it any more, as nothing I did/didn't do seemed to make any difference. Once I told him to go and be with her, he suddenly didn't seem to want that anymore, and we were able to reconcile.

February 23, 2012

Frozen sprouts, there is no question in my mind......he will never leave his wife and break up his family. There is a better chance that I will wake up tall and blonde tomorrow morning!!! So telling her would serve no purpose......it would devastate her and our relationship would end. Having been a BS at one time, I know the agony and I would not inflict that pain on my worst enemy. She is oblivious to the relationship and I want it to stay that way.

What will I do when he knows? No idea. My head is swimming!

February 23, 2012

What will you do when he knows what? Knows how YOU feel? Pretending you are happy when this union makes you devastated and sad is living in the lie.

Next time - act approporiately - show him just how sad it all makes you feel. No more pretending.

There may be NO NEED to have a next time IF you can get honest with him... And just tell him straight up you aren't going to,participate in this lie any longer.

February 23, 2012

I'm curious. In everyones' life experiences, is there a certain type of person who always seems to get cheated on in relationships? Who always seems to be the stepping stone for meeting Mr/Mrs Right?

Honestly, I'd love to know. Mainly because I'm wondering if there's truth in if you can get caught in similar relationships, and whether that reason is down to you being the person you are, or if you're just unlucky.

People with low self-esteem and weak boundaries are easy targets for the disingenuous serial cheater types. Also, if your picker is calibrated for drama, excitement, hotness, challenge, etc., as opposed to character, integrity and stability then it shouldn't be surprising that you end up with exactly that. A person who is disingenuous isn't going to change just because they're in a relationship––they're just looking to have their cake and eat it too. Basically, it comes down to the non-cheating partner not really believing they deserve better, and they blindly and meekly accept whomever happens along rather than boldly looking out for themselves by being aware and discriminating.

These were in another thread - and very good points to consider.

And a good reason why many here have told you that YOU DESERVE more than what he has offered to you.

February 23, 2012

BTW, thank you for the observation that I seem like a nice lady......I am a good person(I pick up stray dogs and help the elderly with their groceries!!) and part of my torment is my belief in karma. I have a cousin who is a priest and he has been advising me spiritually......I asked him if this torment is God's

Way of punishing for loving another woman's husband. His answer? God is much more forgiving than that!

February 23, 2012

BTW, thank you for the observation that I seem like a nice lady......I am a good person(I pick up stray dogs and help the elderly with their groceries!!) and part of my torment is my belief in karma. I have a cousin who is a priest and he has been advising me spiritually......I asked him if this torment is God's
Way of punishing for loving another woman's husband. His answer? God is much more forgiving than that!

You are killing the beauty and spirit of YOU with the choices you are making...

No one has FORCED you to continue sleeping with this MM.

You can make new choices for yourself.

You can start now - instead of later - and have a new beginning! It's lent, isn't it? You can "give up" your MM! Then - when the 40 days is up... You can renew that commitment to DO the right thing.

The beauty and spirit of you is in there - you're just ignoring doing what you know is right.

There's really only ONE call that needs to happen - the one that tells him that the A is hurting too many people and you aren't willing to participate any longer.

February 23, 2012

BTW, thank you for the observation that I seem like a nice lady......I am a good person(I pick up stray dogs and help the elderly with their groceries!!) and part of my torment is my belief in karma. I have a cousin who is a priest and he has been advising me spiritually......I asked him if this torment is God's
Way of punishing for loving another woman's husband. His answer? God is much more forgiving than that!

you are a nice lady, and this is why this affair is taking such a toll on you....in your heart, you know it's wrong...that this isn't who YOU are.

Don't let who you are be destroyed this way...

Ask yourself....is your relationship with the married man worth what it is doing to you? Is it worth the pain and the guilt?

If the answer is "no", then perhaps it's time to figure out what what is is that's tying you to this guy and decide what you want to do to make your life better...

February 23, 2012

Lostinlife, I wish I were as confident as you are......I have tried to end the relationship twice and both times I thought I was going to die from the grief.
I need to spend a little bit more time in therapy before I can move on.

Bailey...

YES...you will feel like you're going to die

YES...the grief will be worse than you ever thought was possible...

YES...you will feel like jumping in front of an 18 wheeler on the highway will b far less painful

YES...you will b willing to sell your soul to the devil for just 5 mom without the pain...

But you know what?

I can promise you that you won't die

I can promise you those horrible feeling will have an expiration date

I can promise you that this too shall pass

But only if you stop the madness...if not the way you feel right now will last forever...

One more thing...I'm on the fence usually about telling the W...so I won't give my advice on that...however...for obvious reasons (my experience) I will say that if u decide to disclose to "test" your MM...do it ANONYMOUSLY please...and if MM asked you if it was you...deny, deny, deny...yes the BS deserves to know who she is M to...but you need to protect yourself too...IMO...

February 23, 2012

Wow, what is tying me to him??? I never thought about it in those terms.......what is tying me to him? I have to give that some thought.

February 23, 2012

Wow, what is tying me to him??? I never thought about it in those terms.......what is tying me to him? I have to give that some thought.

I'll answer... The illusion... That is the tie. He offers very little... With the FASCADE that his "very little" is enough. It is enough for a gal like you - as you don't expect much from him or from yourself.

The illusion is that it's enough - that it's love - its not enough and it's not love! It's two people who find "very little" to be ENOUGH.

IF you expected a man to make you his TOP priority - this would never be enough now would it? That's why he KNOWS you're willing to settle for expecting SO LITTLE.

I've NEVER heard any healthy, happy relationship describe as needing to settle for "so little".

He doesn't offer much - but I have to ask "why do you think that's enough for you?" you deserve so much more.

February 23, 2012

It's a great union though - mainly because he offers almost nothing and that's exactly what you expect.

He CHOSE the perfect gal to cheat with - WHY WOULD HE EVER CHANGE THAT?

February 23, 2012

He doesn't offer much - but I have to ask "why do you think that's enough for you?" you deserve so much more.

this is so true....

in every other area of his life he may be a nice guy...I don't think he's some kind of "evil incarnate", but he isn't giving you what you deserve...to be happy.

but is this really about him? It's like I said before...what is it that's tying you to him and this relationship?

February 23, 2012

this is so true....

in every other area of his life he may be a nice guy...I don't think he's some kind of "evil incarnate", but he isn't giving you what you deserve...to be happy.

but is this really about him? It's like I said before...what is it that's tying you to him and this relationship?

The illusion that she has a man... Although THAT man belongs to his wife - so how is it possible she actually has him?

February 23, 2012

God, I hate it when smart people make me think!!! So many thoughts are spinning around in my head. Ok, let me see if I can unpack the issue of why I don't expect much from the men in my life. I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was 8 until I was 16. My ex-husband screwed around on me before and after we married. The next man in my life beat me on a regular basis and the one before MM was emotionally abusive. In a nutshell, no matter how much is wrong with my relationship with MM, it is the best one I have had so far. Sad, huh????

February 23, 2012

God, I hate it when smart people make me think!!! So many thoughts are spinning around in my head. Ok, let me see if I can unpack the issue of why I don't expect much from the men in my life. I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was 8 until I was 16. My ex-husband screwed around on me before and after we married. The next man in my life beat me on a regular basis and the one before MM was emotionally abusive. In a nutshell, no matter how much is wrong with my relationship with MM, it is the best one I have had so far. Sad, huh????

Normal really. Having a man harm/hurt you is your sense of what's familiar/normal.

You can CHOOSE to break the cycle of what is familiar/normal for you! You can! One choice - NEVER ever settle for THAT again! Then take action to be sure you never ALLOW it!

That's it! Easy sneezy huh?

You deserve a great and wonderful life! You're not going to get it by settling "for what's familiar" though... You have evidence that THAT doesn't make you happy.... So CHOOSE opposite!

Even IF the choice is nothing! Nothing is better than that illusion! At least you know that THAT nothing would mean something! Meaning "no more allowing men to treat me as the vi Tim!!!!"

Been there - done the hard work to get past THAT victim role!

Hugs!

February 23, 2012

You know, one of the things that is especially crazy about my life is everything about it is successful except my relationships with men. I am an extremely successful businesswoman, I make more money than I need, I have wonderful friends, and because of my career success I can do all kinds of good things for abused and neglected animals. What the hell is wrong with this picture??

February 24, 2012

You know, one of the things that is especially crazy about my life is everything about it is successful except my relationships with men. I am an extremely successful businesswoman, I make more money than I need, I have wonderful friends, and because of my career success I can do all kinds of good things for abused and neglected animals. What the hell is wrong with this picture??

it sounds very much like even though you intellectually know that you are a good person who deserves so much good in your life and to be happy, emotionally you don't believe you deserve to have someone who treats you with decency and real love. The abuse you suffered in the past may have led you to somehow believe that you are "bad" and don't deserve anything better.

This is so NOT true. The people who abused and hurt you are the ones who are "bad", not you. You deserve love and happiness and to be treated in a respectful, loving way. You deserve to have a complete and happy relationship. But you have have to believe that....and if a bunch of strangers the internet can see that you deserve so much more than what you are getting, believe me, you really do deserve it.

and there are guys out there who will treat you in the wonderful way you deserve to be treated. You can afford to be "picky", as you have so much to offer to the right guy

February 24, 2012

Thank you for your kind words, sprouts......you are an amazing woman and I appreciate you immensely.

February 24, 2012

Thank you for your kind words, sprouts......you are an amazing woman and I appreciate you immensely.

just stating how i feel...

now the trick will be getting yourself to a place where you believe you are worth more than the pain you are in...and you are worth so much more than that...

Like I said before, when i first found out my husband was cheating, I didn't know what to do. I tried everything I could think of to get him to change his mind, and in the process, I really demeaned myself as was willing to accept being treated like cr@p as long as it meant he was still around. I just felt worse and worse and more and more tired of it and then I realized I was was sick of the whole rigamarole, and I was worth more than the way i was allowing myself to be treated. ( someone on here gave me a very useful piece of advice " you teach people how to treat you...if you will accept being treated badly, they may well treat you badly...if you don't think you deserve any better, then that's how you'll end up being treated"). They were so right! I stood up for myself and told him to go , thinking that he would, but he didn't. I told him I was willing to give things one last chance, but we had to be honest with each other, go to counseling, etc.....and things got so much better

But as long as I believed I didn't deserve any better, I would never get any better.

You need to believe it too...

it may take some time to get there, but you will...just keep believing in yourself and your strength and that you are a good person who deserves a happy life ( if you look at it from the perspective of "karma"...it sounds like you have done a lot of good things in your life...doesn't that mean you deserve to have good things IN your life for you too? I think it does)

Sign In

Does any of this sound familiar?

Recommended Posts

Lostinlife4now

frozensprouts

Bailey14

Bailey14

frozensprouts

woinlove

frozensprouts

Bailey14

2sunny

2sunny

Bailey14

2sunny

frozensprouts

18Years2Late

Bailey14

2sunny

2sunny

frozensprouts

2sunny

Bailey14

2sunny

Bailey14

frozensprouts

Bailey14

frozensprouts

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...