My Break up Story... One year later

[fetish1980]

Hello LS

 

Some of you may remember my story. Today marks the one year anniversary of my relationship of nearly 8 years ending when my ex decided to move out and enjoy life. Anyone who cares to read my story can sift through these old threads (see thread links at bottom). Keep in mind, it was under my old "fetish" account before it was compromised.

 

Over the past 12 months, i had been through the most excruitiating pain, i actually wasn't sure i was going to make it. When my ex moved out, my entire world was flipped upside down. It almost felt like i had to learn how to walk again after suffering a severe spinal injury. I've broken the NC rule a few times when my ex would initiate contact, so i'm not the best example for following that. We've even met on a few occasions since our b/u. She mentioned getting back together 4 months after our b/u. I explained to her that i was still healing and needed to remain single.

There would be long periods we didn't talk, but eventually later we'd be in contact and would sometimes meetup.

 

Last month, she asked me if she could move back in with me for a while. We're not even together, and i figured she was trying to manipulate it back to being that way. She stated we both could save some money and she was going to be financially strapped this year. WTF? This is coming from the same person who said we'd never live together again as she was moving out. A few weeks ago, she stated that she'd like to try again and that she still loved me. I told her i still loved her, but it wasn't a good idea to move in. I told her i still wanted to remain single and not ready to be in a r/l again. She even tried asking me again to move in on several occasions in different ways. Long story short, since i last declined, I haven't heard from her in a while.

 

I have to say, I'm in a much better position than where i was a year ago or even 6 months ago. The main things i struggle with is feeling guilty for not accepting her attempt to get back together. It's like i'm turning someone away who'd been in my life for so long. I have trouble letting go of the past. The real fact of the matter is it took a lot of hard work, crying (yeah i said it!), therapy, prayer, family support, and support from loveshack to get me where i am today. I am not ready to go back to the source that caused me pain, especially knowing that things wouldn't be any different.

 

So to conclude, things definitely get better. Some may not agree with this analogy, but i see breakups similar to the christian view of Jesus being nailed to the cross. He witnessed excruitiating pain but rose higher and more powerful. Heartbreak is excruitiating but we get stronger once we make it through. The most important thing is to stay focused on ourselves and keep going. Some might not believe in God, but acknowledge a higher power in the universe that will carry you through.

 

Although i'm still very sad my ex and i broke up, I try to focus on how better my life is becoming. I feel alive again, my confidence is back. I'm back at a healthy weight, and about to start a new job with new experience and a more handsome salary. Other women seem to be responding to me better with my newfound confidence, and i don't fear rejection as much. The ending of my relationship is probably a wound that will never completely heal, but I still find happiness by accepting it. It was poisonous.

 

I wish everybody a great success in their recovery. Here's an affirmation that i have pinned to my wall helps to keep me going.

 

I let go of the past, live in the now, and let the future unfold on its own.

 

This has been helpful in relieving some of the anxiety about moving forward. That's the hardest thing about breaking up, is seeing the future without that person. The last little part of the affirmation helped me to realize that our lives are like a river. It flows in a path with a destiny and we need to just live and let live.

 

I'd like to give special thanks to my 2 biggest supporters here on loveshack: Graceful and geegirl. Your words were golden and really helped me through.

 

Anyone who cares to read my story can view the links below.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=264880&page=2

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t271015/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=266877&page=4

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277408/

 

Take care!

 

fetish

Edited February 11, 2012 by fetish1980

[Frank13]

Thanks for the update and giving hope to others. You are a very strong and smart person to not let her move back in.

 

It doesn't sound like she wanted to move in to get back together, but only to save money. She admitted being financially strapped for this year. In other words she wanted to use you. Notice how once you refused she started the manipulation saying she still loves you and wants to try again.

 

Don't feel guilty. She didn't when she moved out to enjoy life and said you would never live together again.

 

Your update is an inspiration for others as it sounds like you had it really bad when you two broke up but are now in a much better place. You let others know that there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

[Sugarkane]

Fetish I'm so glad you didn't let your ex use you again. It's funny when they think we will take them back in a heartbeat. Only to find that we won't! You could've taken the easy way out and let the ex move back in. This is far more inspiring than another recon that won't work out.

[geegirl]

I've been wondering about you, fetish.

 

I know it's been a long journey and while it still weighs on you, just being able to stay behind your boundaries and hold true to what YOU want and need for yourself is progress worth leaps and bounds. You're putting yourself first. This is great news.

 

I'm so happy and proud for you. You've come a long way. Keep going!

[fetish1980]

Hey guys thanks for chiming in and i hope this can really serve as inspiration to others.

 

It doesn't sound like she wanted to move in to get back together, but only to save money. She admitted being financially strapped for this year. In other words she wanted to use you. Notice how once you refused she started the manipulation saying she still loves you and wants to try again.

 

I agree about the using part. She has tried to get back together on several other occasions before this. A couple of months ago, she stated that she'd like to get back together but each time i decline. I just can't forget that easily and can't really trust her anymore. I sometimes think her wanting to get back together is about her fear, lonlieness, and also about seeing if she can have me back anytime she wants.

 

Fetish I'm so glad you didn't let your ex use you again. It's funny when they think we will take them back in a heartbeat. Only to find that we won't! You could've taken the easy way out and let the ex move back in. This is far more inspiring than another recon that won't work out.

 

LOL. It's funny cuz I allowed my self esteem to get in the dumps and I've come too far. I didn't go through all that pain and suffering for nothing.

 

I've been wondering about you, fetish.

 

I know it's been a long journey and while it still weighs on you, just being able to stay behind your boundaries and hold true to what YOU want and need for yourself is progress worth leaps and bounds. You're putting yourself first. This is great news.

 

I'm so happy and proud for you. You've come a long way. Keep going!

 

Hey geegirl. Thanks alot! And that's what it's about, putting myself first. For too many years, i got so accustomed to thinking of her first and placing her before me. That's why when she moved out, i was so lost. Now it feels great becuase now it feels the world is my oyster. I no longer have to put my needs aside to make someone else happy. I'm now embracing this time until it comes time for another r/l.

 

fetish

[M2155]

Great post, I love the inspiration. Not much more I can add to what everyone else has said. Glad you have come so far and kept your focus. Keep the faith!

[Graceful]

Hello, my friend.

 

It's a long journey back, isn't it? And you're right, after the extent of the pain you experience, and the amount of effort you put in to find yourself again, it changes you as a person, and for the better. You have to do the work and focus on yourself, and you have.

 

The main things i struggle with is feeling guilty for not accepting her attempt to get back together. It's like i'm turning someone away who'd been in my life for so long. I have trouble letting go of the past. The real fact of the matter is it took a lot of hard work, crying (yeah i said it!), therapy, prayer, family support, and support from loveshack to get me where i am today. I am not ready to go back to the source that caused me pain, especially knowing that things wouldn't be any different.

 

I'm a little sad to see that you still say that you feel guilty (about anything) -- and think you should expel that feeling, not only because guilt is not a productive emotion, it implies regret and there is nothing worse in this life than to harbor regrets. What's done is done. Live, learn, and move forward; it's critical to let go of regrets (that is what guilt causes) as it's just like keeping a boulder on your back, a burden that you walk around with that keeps you tied to a painful part of your past. I think what you really feel is pity for your ex, and a bit sorry for her, not guilt for not caving into her requests. You did not go back with her because you knew she would have sucked you dry emotionally, spiritually and of course, financially. That's why you have always resisted. So let go of it already, will ya please? GOOD.

 

The ending of my relationship is probably a wound that will never completely heal, but I still find happiness by accepting it. It was poisonous.

 

The wound is healed, you just don't want to acknowledge it. It's long since over, you know the two of you are not compatible, you know the relationship is dysfunctional, and if you just allow yourself to say "I have healed" the feelings will follow, instead of insisting you will never heal which is negative reinforcement. That's right. If you say you'll never heal, then you won't. If you believe you will, then you will. To say that your relationship will always have a place in your heart, sure it will. That's a more positive way and a more healing way to look toward the future.

 

Congratulations on your new job, a higher salary and proving to yourself that you are worth it. That's wonderful news and I hope you'll be challenged and feel a sense of pride for your career accomplishments.

 

All I can say is that you have worked very hard to find yourself again and I hope you will continue on the path that has given you emotional health and peace. You are worth every bit of the effort you have put in. I am not here often myself these days, but am so glad I was here to see your post. I wish you every happiness, and hope you know that you have my support, in spirit, always. In friendship, Graceful

 

PS Sorry, but I just had to kick your a$$ a bit for old times' sake.

[fetish1980]

PS Sorry, but I just had to kick your a$$ a bit for old times' sake.

 

LOL. Actually, thank you. I would have been a tad bit suspicious if it was really you posting behind that computer if you hadn't!

 

I'm a little sad to see that you still say that you feel guilty (about anything) -- and think you should expel that feeling, not only because guilt is not a productive emotion, it implies regret and there is nothing worse in this life than to harbor regrets. What's done is done. Live, learn, and move forward; it's critical to let go of regrets (that is what guilt causes) as it's just like keeping a boulder on your back, a burden that you walk around with that keeps you tied to a painful part of your past. I think what you really feel is pity for your ex, and a bit sorry for her, not guilt for not caving into her requests. You did not go back with her because you knew she would have sucked you dry emotionally, spiritually and of course, financially. That's why you have always resisted. So let go of it already, will ya please? GOOD.

 

You're 100% right Graceful. Sometimes i think you know me better than myself, or you just know how to say it better than i do. I think what i'm mistaking as guilt is pitty, and feeling sorry for her. Because when she left, she sure didn't seem worried that could've meant possibly losing me forever.

 

The wound is healed, you just don't want to acknowledge it. It's long since over, you know the two of you are not compatible, you know the relationship is dysfunctional, and if you just allow yourself to say "I have healed" the feelings will follow, instead of insisting you will never heal which is negative reinforcement. That's right. If you say you'll never heal, then you won't. If you believe you will, then you will. To say that your relationship will always have a place in your heart, sure it will. That's a more positive way and a more healing way to look toward the future.

 

And here again, maybe i didn't use the best choice of words. I didn't mean to imply any negativity here, i was just saying that i'm still sorry that we didn't make it. But you're right, sometimes you have to speak it and aim higher, otherwise i might find myself stuck again.

 

Congratulations on your new job, a higher salary and proving to yourself that you are worth it. That's wonderful news and I hope you'll be challenged and feel a sense of pride for your career accomplishments.

 

All I can say is that you have worked very hard to find yourself again and I hope you will continue on the path that has given you emotional health and peace. You are worth every bit of the effort you have put in. I am not here often myself these days, but am so glad I was here to see your post. I wish you every happiness, and hope you know that you have my support, in spirit, always. In friendship, Graceful

 

I'm glad you were able to see this too and thanks for taking the time to post. I do notice your post count isn't much higher than it was several months ago, so that is indication you haven't been on here as much. And thanks for the congrats on the job offer, now i can finally put my college degree to work.

 

And M2155, i'm glad of any inspiration i can be. I'll try to post on ls every so often. I had to stop coming on here so much because i was thinking that was inadvertently keeping me thinking about my ex. I had been posting in the dating section some months back, which i guess was showing some progress.

 

fetish

[greystone08]

Great inspiration story and thanks for sharing.