i messed up

[fetish]

I think i may have messed up. My ex of 8 years and i broke up last month right before Valentines Day. We were living together and she moved out because she wanted to be free to do what she wanted to do: such as gambling, hanging out with friends, and just things where i kind of became a back seat to. She was bad with money, often overdrafting her account and had developed a gambling issue. We were planning to marry and everytime i brought up the issue with her gambling, she'd either ignore me or storm out of the house. In Februay, I gave her an ultimatum to get it under control or we'd be through. She ended up moving out. She said she didn't want to be told what to do, but what she really wanted me to do was beg her and chase after her. She sent me text messages after our break up and we had LC. I would ignore some of her text messages and she would say: you act like you want nothing to do with me. I give you my best years and this is how you repay me?

 

It wasn't until 3 weeks into the b/u, my ex finally called me instead of sending those weak text messages. She stated she still thinks we could be in a realtionship (monogomous) but we would just have our own places. The problem was that we were engaged and living together, then she rewrites everything and decides she wants to be on her own (GIGS). On March 5th, she contacted me and took me out to the movies. We slept together. She then said that since she's been calling and texting me, it was my turn to call her and set up the next date. I told her that i was being real careful with my heart because i didn't want to be hurt again. In my mind, she's the one who moved out, she should've been doing all the work. So i didn't call her. She was offended and said "Well i guess you don't want anything to do with me because i told you to call me for the date and you didn't". She texted me amd asked me for sex last monday. Truth was, i was scared to see her because i didn't want to fall back in love and start this pain all over again. I replied: "I thought you went looking for some when you went to the club? Don't you have to work? " She replied said that i've been neglecting her and said "nevermind, i'll just use my toys!" This was last monday, haven't heard a text from her since.

 

So I fell into her manipulation and started feeling a little guilty. I texted her a "how are you, I'd like to call" text this past Saturday and she still hasn't replied. So now, i'm back to caring if I'll never hear from her again. I was doing good on not initiating contact before and I allowed her to guilt me to the point i finally broke. I know this girl is not good for me right now, but now i'm back to caring. 8 years is alot to let go. Letting go of the good times too. It will be 7 weeks since our b/u this week and It feels like i'm regressing back to week number one or two. I guess in a way, as soon as our break up happened, i immediately went into not contacting her, and it came off to her as i didn't care. Now she's flipping the script and this is something she's never been able to keep up this long since i've known her. I believe she's being vindictive but she's doing a good job with it now.

 

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Edited March 28, 2011 by fetish

[geegirl]

So I fell into her manipulation and started feeling a little guilty. I texted her a "how are you, I'd like to call" text this past Saturday and she still hasn't replied. So now, i'm back to caring if I'll never hear from her again. I was doing good on not initiating contact before and I allowed her to guilt me to the point i finally broke. I know this girl is not good for me right now, but now i'm back to caring. 8 years is alot to let go. Letting go of the good times too. It will be 7 weeks since our b/u this week and It feels like i'm regressing back to week number one or two. I guess in a way, as soon as our break up happened, i immediately went into not contacting her, and it came off to her as i didn't care. Now she's flipping the script and this is something she's never been able to keep up this long since i've known her. I believe she's being vindictive but she's doing a good job with it now.

 

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

 

Yikes. What a manipulator. This girl is not just "not good" for you right now but forever. I understand that 8 years is a lot of time but consider losing more years to someone like this is absolutely wasteful. She is a selfish person. And you know that. It is all about her and she doesn't give a rat's behind if you are hurt or not. She has self-destructive behaviors. She wants sex and you're supposed to jump? What is loving about that? She says she wants to work on the R but what has she done to aid in her gambling habit? Do you think these issues aren't going to resurface again? I'm thinking from what you are saying that she has cheated as well.

 

She's just using you. You're a source that readily available to fulfill her needs. Don't let her question your need for NC. NC is for you. Read JasonRules' thread about his ex's brithday today. He realizes NC is for him and that he must not be concerned about the consequences it has on his ex. And he is right. It's about you and you alone. If you want to be her pawn, then you might as well lay down and be her doormat.

 

When you fall off the NC wagon, don't just keep laying there. Get up! Get back on again. Don't let anyone dictate, especially a manipulative ex, into giving your power and dignity away.

 

There is nothing to gain from being intouch with her. Well, you will gain pain. That's for sure. So you have to decide. You either enforce strict NC or you enforce LC and keep jabbed here and there or you have full contact and feel the full effects of pain from a woman that obviously does not care two hoots about what you are going through and what she is putting you through. Because, trust me, if she really cared for you, she'd leave you alone and let you heal.

[fetish]

Thanks for your reply geegee girl.

 

I think she's leaving me alone now for sure! It even got me concerned a little.

 

As far as i know, she never gave any real indication that she cheated, but I don't put anything past it. It's seems as though since November-December timeframe, her heart wasn't with me anymore, it was more into going to the gamerooms every night and hanging out with her gambling buddies. If i hadn't stood up to her, she probably would've eventually cheated since she had it made up in her mind she could do what she wanted to do.

 

You're right, she is a very manipulative person and selfish. That's what broke us up. The more i saw her selfishness, the more i began to quit trying to please her as much and try to be tough.

 

I thought i'd be long healed from this break up by now. It's coming up on 2 months and she was feeding my ego these last 6 weeks by contacting me like she still cared. But like you say, it was for her.

[geegirl]

Thanks for your reply geegee girl.

 

I think she's leaving me alone now for sure! It even got me concerned a little.

 

As far as i know, she never gave any real indication that she cheated, but I don't put anything past it. It's seems as though since November-December timeframe, her heart wasn't with me anymore, it was more into going to the gamerooms every night and hanging out with her gambling buddies. If i hadn't stood up to her, she probably would've eventually cheated since she had it made up in her mind she could do what she wanted to do.

 

You're right, she is a very manipulative person and selfish. That's what broke us up. The more i saw her selfishness, the more i began to quit trying to please her as much and try to be tough.

 

I thought i'd be long healed from this break up by now. It's coming up on 2 months and she was feeding my ego these last 6 weeks by contacting me like she still cared. But like you say, it was for her.

 

Well, I'm glad she is leaving you alone and you need to leave her alone too!

 

I believe you really dodged a bullet here. Imagine being married to her and having to deal with these issues. Consider yourself lucky! You may not quite see it right now, but when you are in a healthy relationship one day, you will be knock yourself on the head for putting yourself through this.

 

Don't count on healing if you keep talking to her. It takes a good 6 months to a year of complete and total NC to feel a sense of indifference. At least that was how it was for me. Even after 6 months, seeing him made my heart twinge a little. If you want to be healed, close the door to her and concentrate on YOU. You know deep down inside she does not care. Maybe you should start caring for yourself and taking your healing process seriously.

[fetish]

yeah its those little guilt trip messages she'll send me that get to me. Like, "I guess you want nothing to do with me!" I start thinking that i've been with this woman for the last 8 years and we did everything togethter. We were eachother's best friend for a long time. I start thinking that i'm turning her away and all the memories, then i start feeling bad.

 

I realize that is a problem i struggle with. Feeling guilty, especially when i have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

The crazy thing about my ex, i don't even think she's all that smart to plan her manipulations because I could always see clearly what she's doing. Almost like the dad who can see when their daughter is running game but gives in anyway. My ex pretends to have all this self esteem and knowledge around me, but when she gets around her girlfriends, she tippy toes around them. She then will say she doesn't want to get in a conflict. She's not fooling me. She'd often tell me things and beat herself up to where i could clearly see she doesn't have much self esteem.

 

Another hard part is, she's a good person, even through her faults. We signed a years lease where i'm currently staying. When she moved out last month, she's continued to have automatic deposit payments into the joint account that we had opened to pay bills with. She said she's going to leave it open until August, which is when my lease is up at my aparment. So she's kept paying even though she's not living with me. That's another thing that messes with my head.

[geegirl]

What you have to realize is that, granted you were with this person for 8 years, but you do not owe her your emotional and mental stability, nor do you owe her anything of yourself anymore. You can explain to her and tell her that it is not that you want nothing to do with her, but being in contact is hurting you and that you have to heal. If she fights it, then you know it is selfishness. You are not turning her away. You would rather feel tormented to appease her than to give yourself emotional peace by putting yourself first and staying away from her? You are not turning away the memories. No matter how great the memories, it should not keep you stuck in a toxic situation because what is happening at this point in time is what you should be focusing on. Memories are nice, warm and fuzzy but that was then. This is now. You need to deal with what is at hand.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

You are not responsible for her self-esteem issues. And she does this partly because she probably uses you as a crutch. You accept her the way she is, she needs that but she also manipulates that. She doesn't have to be conscious of her actions because you never question and you enable her behaviors. She's different with her friends because they probably are strong individuals and she knows she can't get away with stupid behavior. If she is one way with others, and one way with you, it is only because you enable behaviors that she knows she can't get away with when with certain other individuals. That in itself is a form of manipulation, whether she knows you can read her crap or not. She must be hitting all the right buttons with you and it's certainly enabling her because she keeps throwing you around like a rag doll.

 

She feels responsible for paying the rent and she is paying it. That' sall it is. That's the least she can do. You both did plan to move in together. What about that messes with your head? You grab on to this and you magnify it and put yourself at the mercy of this one gesture? You feel bad for her? When are you going to feel bad for yourself?

Edited March 28, 2011 by geegirl

[fetish]

You make really good points.

 

Thanks for reiterating that i have nothing to feel bad about. As far as her actions, she only acts that way with people she gets close to, often taking them for granted such as her mom, younger siblings, and etc. Her mom is kind of the same way as she told me she was diagnosed bi-polar/schzo.

 

You're right, her friends are a little street-wiser than her so she puts on a front with them. There was also a time when she'd put on her best face with me, but as time progressed, her selfishness and immaturity got out more clear and out of control. I guess in the relationship, she also started seeing my issues (which we all have) and she started thinking she was on top.

 

I was never a doormat for this girl. She's the oldest of her younger brothers and sisters and i think she was used to being in control. She would advise me on certain things but when i would either tune me out or become highly defensive when i tried to do the same.

 

That's mainly what led to this breakup, her not wanting to be advised what to do. I told her we needed to come to an agreement how many times she'd gamble (as our premarital counselor advised) and she didn't want to do it. Then she tries to turn the thing around and deflect my attention off the issue and make it my fault as to the reason she was moving out. Then she expected me to chase after her in the process.

 

I know this is for the best, but my issue is and has always kind of been learning to let go of the past. I thought after nearly 2 months, i'd be ready to move on, but i'm still in emotiional whirlpool with this girll. One day i do fine and the next day i'm back under.

[confused1989]

Hey Fetish, I'm still following your threads because your ex sounds a lot like mine and I'm battling the guilty feelings that you're having too. It's almost like the advice in this thread applies to my situation perfectly too.

 

Your last post especially opened my eyes wide open because that was my relationship, spot on. Obviously my ex didn't have gambling problems but partying was an issue for sure.

 

I know if I texted my ex what you texted yours I'd be in the exact same boat as you right now too. But you will get past that for sure because I had that situation happened to me plenty of times over the past 2 months and felt like crap about it but I eventually let it go and forgot about it. My ex too asked me for sex a couple of times and sent me dirty texts and complimented me in bed etc. and it really isn't fair.

 

It is the worst ever, the manipulation. If your ex stopped manipulating and mine stopped manipulating we would get through this a hell of a lot faster.

 

Anyway bud I'm younger than you so I can't really chime in or give advice but I do have some idea how you feel because your ex has a ton of similarities to mine and I feel great one day and like **** the next too. But hey we're both still alive and soon enough we'll be here posting saying we got through it and met someone better.

[fetish]

Hey Fetish, I'm still following your threads because your ex sounds a lot like mine and I'm battling the guilty feelings that you're having too. It's almost like the advice in this thread applies to my situation perfectly too.

 

Your last post especially opened my eyes wide open because that was my relationship, spot on. Obviously my ex didn't have gambling problems but partying was an issue for sure.

 

I know if I texted my ex what you texted yours I'd be in the exact same boat as you right now too. But you will get past that for sure because I had that situation happened to me plenty of times over the past 2 months and felt like crap about it but I eventually let it go and forgot about it. My ex too asked me for sex a couple of times and sent me dirty texts and complimented me in bed etc. and it really isn't fair.

 

It is the worst ever, the manipulation. If your ex stopped manipulating and mine stopped manipulating we would get through this a hell of a lot faster.

 

Anyway bud I'm younger than you so I can't really chime in or give advice but I do have some idea how you feel because your ex has a ton of similarities to mine and I feel great one day and like **** the next too. But hey we're both still alive and soon enough we'll be here posting saying we got through it and met someone better.

 

 

Hey confused1989,

 

Thanks for your reply. Don't ever let age discount you for being able to give an opnion. I work at a homeless youth shelter and always learning new things from people probably younger than you (ages 18-20).

 

And yes as i said in your thread, your ex definitely sounds like a carbon copy of mine, only mine isn't as much of a partier rather more of a gambler. But both are manipulators and feed off the attention we give them. Now my ex has pulled back and acted like she hasn't needed the attention and its kind of thrown me off a little. While i miss her in my life, i was always comforted by the fact that she was still thinking of me enogugh to text me and try to hang out, even if it wasn't in my best interest or even if she really didn't care.

 

One thing about manipulators is they don't play fair. Everything is about them and the more attention you give them, the more swole their heads get. It seems after knowing this, i'd be a little smarter not to give in to her guilt messages.

[geegirl]

 

I know this is for the best, but my issue is and has always kind of been learning to let go of the past. I thought after nearly 2 months, i'd be ready to move on, but i'm still in emotiional whirlpool with this girll. One day i do fine and the next day i'm back under.

 

Maybe you can't let go of the past because you still have hope. Looking over your shoulder is never going to allow you to look straight ahead and move on. It's your choice to have better days in time to come or still be stuck in your whirlpool. NC is difficult in the beginning but if you give it a chance it will be your saving grace. Keeping yourself stuck in this toxic situation, only keeps you stuck in a toxic situation. Read 2011's post about his journey through NC.

[fetish]

What's wierd is i know in my mind that me and this girl won't work out in the end because i'm pulling right and she's pulling left. But i guess in my heart is where any inkling of hope lies.

[geegirl]

What's wierd is i know in my mind that me and this girl won't work out in the end because i'm pulling right and she's pulling left. But i guess in my heart is where any inkling of hope lies.

 

Yup, it's that little thing called hope. I knew that my ex and I could never be. But I held on thinking something could or may change. Maybe, just maybe. We've been NC for a month now. I still have that little bugger of hope in my heart sometimes. The longer I am staying away, my brain is taking over my heart and I'm beginning to focus on the reality. It is slowly killing the hope and my emotions. No other way.

[depplover_1980]

Fetish, you know my views on the dynamics of your relationship. She is indeed using you, looking for attention and sex. What do you do about it?

You simply keep hurting, keep focused forward and ride out this pain and you've still got a long way to go. But you will definately arrive at your destination. Ignore the bitch and give her some sweet revenge for all the disrespectful behaviour she has bestowed upon you over time!!

[Graceful]

So I fell into her manipulation and started feeling a little guilty. I texted her a "how are you, I'd like to call" text this past Saturday and she still hasn't replied. So now, i'm back to caring if I'll never hear from her again. I was doing good on not initiating contact before and I allowed her to guilt me to the point i finally broke. I know this girl is not good for me right now, but now i'm back to caring. 8 years is alot to let go. Letting go of the good times too. It will be 7 weeks since our b/u this week and It feels like i'm regressing back to week number one or two. I guess in a way, as soon as our break up happened, i immediately went into not contacting her, and it came off to her as i didn't care.

 

Now she's flipping the script and this is something she's never been able to keep up this long since i've known her. I believe she's being vindictive but she's doing a good job with it now.

 

Any suggestions on how to handle this?

 

fetish,

If there's anything I can't abide, it's someone who is downright manipulative. In fact, the more transparent the manipulation, the easier it is for me to kick them to the curb. And it should be for you too at this point.

 

One thing I am getting really tired and frustrated seeing in LS, not just with you, is the "I've INVESTED blah blah years in this relationship!" mentality, and the idea that QUANTITY means QUALITY and the idea that relationships, like other things in life, don't wear out, don't run their course, and don't END.

 

Relationships END. They do. Not only that, but if it's an investment, then it's a bad investment. If you were in the stock market, and your stocks were crashing, would you keep buying the SAME stocks?? If your car was breaking down, over and over and OVER, and you kept sinking money into it because you "loved it" even though the mechanic told you that you are wasting your money and time repairing the car, and you kept doing it, and the car kept breaking down, would you keep repairing it watching your bank roll go down and the car STILL not working???

 

Why is a relationship any different? It's not. Done and done. Over and out. It sux but it's the truth. If you can't put a ring on it, if it's not working, if you're still playing games, if you have to walk on eggshells, if you have to have a strategy, if you're being jerked around, if you are not having ANY FUN, if you're not getting along, if you don't feel rewarded for your kindness and caring, if you .... I could go on and on ... oh, I think I've made my point.

 

At least I hope so.

[fetish]

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies.

 

I guess its a little matter of pride. Even though the decision to end the relationship was mutual, my pride was still a little hurt because she more or less chose her addiction over me. (Which i am aware is what addicts do)

 

She texted me the other night wanting to come over after work and drop off some things of mine she had accidently packed with her. She said she's going to vegas in May with a few of her girlfriends (her gambling buddy included). She also got furniture at her new apartment and seems to be doing alright. I didn't reply to her text right away, but later texted her back " I have somewhere to be tommorow. It's not a good time".

 

I'm just not ready. I know its only been a month she's had her place, but last time i talked to her (by text), she said she had gotten a fat bonus check from work for her leading performance. She was able to pay 6 months of her rent up. And she also stated she's been winning hundreds of dollars at the gameroom lately.

 

I think she's just trying to act like she's doing better than what she is and that she's doing sooo good on her on. Not that i'm wishing bad on her, but i know how she has no boundaries so i think she's showboating. Great she got furniture, great she's able to pay her bills, great she got $$$ from the gameroom, but i think its more trying to tell me how i shouldn't have made a big deal about her gambling and now its like "See, how good i'm doing?"

 

I know her too good for that and know she's not a fully thinking person. She always was a showboater. The whole issue with us getting married I know now she was really just wanting a "Wedding" rather than to be married. Because anytime i suggested to go to the Justice of the Peace, she would say she doesn't want that, especially for her first wedding.

 

I just realized, i need to work on building back my self esteem, which was plummeted by this b/u. As i said ,this whole thing has messed with my pride and ego, but i'm trying hard to focus on getting it back up! I feel i should be further along after 7 weeks though.

[geegirl]

It takes as long as it takes. There's no gauge as to how fast you should heal. There is no timeline as to levels of emotions you should have during your journey through the healing process. Remember you spent 8 years with this woman. That's even longer than my marriage (7 years). You had planned your hopes and dreams around her. It's a huge void that you are dealing with. It's not going to be easy.

 

Don't rush the healing process. Sometimes when you rush it, you unconsciously supress the bad feelings in hopes of getting to the finish line a little faster. But it only stalls you even more because most likely they will resurface. Feel your emotions. Don't gauge and don't feel that just because you are still sad and hurt that you are going through set backs. These are not setbacks. It's part of healing. Let them come and let them pass. In time they will be few and far between. And you will see yourself getting out of the fog in due time.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. What's important here is to give yourself credit for having the courage in seeing the situation as it is and recognizing this woman for who she is and removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship. When one starts to see the reality of things, they are well on their way, slowly but surely. Your mind is slowly taking over your heart. I know you are hurt but it will not always be like this.

[fetish]

i also have to realize that i'm not ready to date right now and it might be months or some years when i'm ready for another relationship w/ someone again, if ever. Relationships are too complicated and its easy to lose yourself in them.

 

LS has been more supportive than i ever remember within the last 5 years. Feb, 11 2011 will be a day long remembered but hopfully will eventually turn into the day long forgotten.

[Graceful]

Be prepared for your recovery to take at least a solid year. That's the unvarnished truth after a LTR. You didn't get yourself involved and attached to someone in seven weeks, and you're not going to be detached or resolved in seven weeks on the way out the door, either.

 

That doesn't even make sense when you think about it, even though the heart ache feels like an eternity. That's really the issue, isn't it?

 

I'm not one for generic, "you'll get there" and "aw shucks, you're doing great" posts. That's not why I am here. I'm here to shake up the mix a little bit, and to shake up your brain cells along the way, to at least, at the very least right now, get you to acknowledge that the relationship is over and has a big RIP on it.

 

This is a far cry from saying your ex is a horrible person; she is not. Your ex is not "trying" to be manipulative and it's not like saying that she does or doesn't have the smarts to manipulate you -- it's her MO, plain and simple. It's the way her thought patterns work. I'm an honest person, it does not even OCCUR to me to be anything but honest with someone, that's my basic nature and my MO. I can't abide by people who are not honest. What would I do if I included a dishonest person among my friends? Change myself to be dishonest too, so we'd get along? Both of us liars? Not gonna happen. And you can't change yourself or your basic MO either. That's the reality.

 

Who said your ex isn't perhaps decent deep down inside? She really may be, but that's not one of her main attributes right now. There is nothing to feel guilty about b/c she is still helping to pay for the apartment, she made a deal with you, and she is keeping her end of the deal up. So that's nice, but she should be keeping it up, so is it a big deal? No, it's not. She's doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean she's Mother Teresa, either.

 

The "moving on" process is not the ability to date alone. It's waaaaaay more than that. So what if you don't want to date? That's no one's business but your own. So own it. You don't want to date now, or in 4 months, or who knows when, but why is this a big deal? It is NO big deal!! Let your emotions guide you over time. You don't need a GF, for crying out loud. Get through this very difficult time, improve on yourself, read some books, make yourself feel better by being an interesting person, pursue your interests, and when you are feeling stronger, some really cute girl will catch your eye and you'll have the confidence to pursue her.

 

That's when it will really be fun and exciting again. Why force yourself to think about dating when it would be sheer torture to try? Way too soon. So stop allowing those thoughts to make you feel bad about yourself. You'd only be kidding yourself if you thought you were ready to date.

 

And yes, Feb. 11th will some day lose its significance. It will pass by and be just another day. Some day you'll have a nice, wonderful, healthy relationship that will be occupying your time, and if anything, you might be celebrating something wonderful that day, and your ex won't even cross your mind. Now stop worrying. Relax and let the process happen, it ain't fun, but neither is watching someone self-destruct. Sux, but welcome to the club. Take care.

 

 

i also have to realize that i'm not ready to date right now and it might be months or some years when i'm ready for another relationship w/ someone again, if ever. Relationships are too complicated and its easy to lose yourself in them.

 

LS has been more supportive than i ever remember within the last 5 years. Feb, 11 2011 will be a day long remembered but hopfully will eventually turn into the day long forgotten.

Edited March 31, 2011 by Graceful

[fetish]

Thanks Graceful.

 

So this pain could last a year or more before i'm completely healed? Dang, sux. I've been in heartbreak before and it's always paralysing. I think in alot of ways its worse than physical pain.

 

It's like i'm counting down the months i have left (4.5 months in counting) on this lease to when i can finally leave here too. It's gotten a little better over the last month and a half but i still don't like remaining in the place we moved in together and where she once lived. When she came by 3 weeeks ago, it felt so awkward. It was really strange for her to be a guest in this house when she used to live here.

 

And forgive me for a little male chauvenism but i thought getting out there and dating again is what a man was supposed to do. I guess it was under the idea that women were ususally the emotional ones, but heck, I'm pretty darn emotional right now, manly or not. I've quickly found that the thought of another woman right now makes me almost sick to my stomach. I was also having paranoid visions of her being with someone else, and i didn't want to be the one moping around while she's getting into wants, so that was part of why i thought i should start dating again. I quickly found out that i simply was out of practice on approaching women. I have zero game right now, and that's mainly because my heart is still heavy.

 

I'm still working on through this. It will be 2 months soon since our b/u. Graceful, like you suggested, this is a time to work on my self. I've been reading self help/ self esteem books. Started back working on writing songs, been going to the gym (sick this week so not gone), been going to singles groups at church and meeting new people. I've been trying but times keep coming back/forth where I find myself missing her (the old her) in some shape or form. Then i lose my appettite again.

[Graceful]

hey fetish,

 

Think of it more this way:

 

You're digging your way through a tunnel. Right now, the end of the tunnel is barely a pinhead, way out there in the distance, it looks like you have miles and miles to dig before you get out and into the light again.

 

But you keep digging, b/c you are determined to get out. Along the way, the dirt and all kinds of weird tunnel crud gets all over you, in your eyes, in your mouth, you cry, you can't stand it, it's hot one day, cold the next, you have to rest and sleep at some points, but you know you have to get out of there, so you keep working at it.

 

One day, the light gets more prominent. You see the end of the tunnel is more in sight. You get motivated by this revelation. You dig a little faster, you're a little happier, you see that you're going to get through it. The pain and the frustration begins to lift. You feel more confident you can get there.

 

As you get closer to the end, the light starts to really come through, you're amazed you dug your way ALL that way, and you're not only happy to be getting out finally, but you're proud of your strength, your courage, your fortitude, your stamina, and your hard work You did it. You get there, you walk through, and you just bask in the light. You made it.

 

It's a process like that. Day by day, Gets easier and easier. Gets less and less painful as you do the work and prove to yourself that you're heading in the right direction.

 

If you were in a tunnel like that, you you EVER think of turning BACK??? (that is the metaphor for NC -- like you didn't know) -- Uh, I don't think so. You might be paralyzed once in a while by fear and fatigue, and you might be discouraged, but turning back is like telling yourself you might as well hang it up. Not gonna happen.

 

So maybe this vision will help you see that this process is very, very empowering over time. You have to do the work for sure, but look at the reward.

 

PS I grant you, living in the place where you were both living is a disadvantage for you, but it's temporary, so make the best of it. It's not ideal, but it is what it is, so just think of it as a physical place, and nothing more.

 

As for being a guy, I grant you that you perhaps feel you're not being "man" enough about this. Since when aren't men human beings? One of the reasons I love LS is b/c there are so many men on this board, and you're all supporting each other and saying, hey, it's a relief to know you all feel as crappy as I do about your ex and your breakup. It's as though it's a secret among men that they can feel heart ache like women do. I commend you for admitting that you're having a hard time dealing with it b/c you're a guy, too. But you have us on LS to talk to and we all understand, so you don't have to keep it a secret here, and that's a great relief, I'll bet.

 

I've quickly found that the thought of another woman right now makes me almost sick to my stomach.

To me, this is normal. So if you go to a bar with some friends, and they want to know if you are going to hit on anyone, all you have to do is just say you're going to just scan the room with your eyes, but that's all. Say you like the lack of complications in your life right now and that getting rid of your ex was the best thing you've ever done and you just want to enjoy the solitude and drama free life. Or don't say anything! You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

 

Graceful, like you suggested, this is a time to work on my self. I've been reading self help/ self esteem books. Started back working on writing songs, been going to the gym (sick this week so not gone), been going to singles groups at church and meeting new people.

Glad to hear this. You sound so nice, really. When I am learning something new either by reading or talking to people, I feel really good inside, and I feel like I am adding something to myself that makes me more engaged with life. I like feeling as though I am an interesting person, and have something to offer a conversation and to share with other people. That's what gives me confidence, and gives me "game". Sleeping with random people does not give you, me , or anyone else "game" -- that's only a temporary band-aid. So keep doing what you're doing, let the process take hold, and keep digging. Just don't turn back into that dark tunnel, I mean, who wants to go back there? Feel better and take care.

[geegirl]

Fetish,

 

The intensity of your pain is not going to last for a year. It's going to fade and subisde as you move on from this point. The anxiety will lessen. The norm is 6 months to one year before you start finding indifference. Unfortunately, yes these things are paralysing. Those past experiences that you have had that made you feel that way, you've passed it and you will with this as well. It doesn't feel like you're going to make it at this point, and trust me I too feel that way too sometimes but it won't always be like this.

 

Emotions after a breakup are not subject to whether you are male or female! I know men who were just as or even more devastated than I was during a break up. You were true to your feelings with her and in the R. You invested yourself whole heartedly for those many years. If you walked away la di daing down the street, I'd be worried! You'll know when you're ready to date again. It's competely normal to feel revolted by the thought of dating or being with another woman. You've just been trampled on. You're emotionally and mentally dry, squeezed dry. Drained. I don't believe you have anything to give to anyone now nor are you emotionally healthy to share yourself with anyone. When you're ready, feeling that you can now open yourself up again, brave enough to want to put yourself out there, then you'll work it out from there. One step at a time.

 

This is not a competion. She's going to do what she needs to do to for herself. She uses her gambling, drinking, friends, whatever she does to fill her life. Maybe she will date. She will do what it takes to manage her own life. You take steps to do what you feel is right for you. What she does is of no comparison nor does it dictate how you plan out your life as of this point. What she does is none of your concern.

 

You're doing all the right things. Start filling your bucket with new ideas/plans/thoughts. Do all the things that you let slide when you were consumed by her and the R. I've been doing the same things. Read the books. Church is helping me find peace and calmness and it's good that you are out there meeting people that share your values. Gym is a savior! Check out www.meetup.com. They have so many activities/groups going on and you can see what is in your area. I've pushed myself to go out and meet people and try my hand at different activities and have made so many friends. It's all about filing that void and getting back to your roots of who you were before you met her. You've lost a lot of yourself along the way. Get it back.

 

It's alright to miss her. I am sure there are things about her that you hold dear to your heart. But those little things are not sustaining. It's good that you are able to fight those feelings with the reality of what it actually is instead of giving in.

 

Good luck Fetish. Post here when you feel weak or just wanting to vent. I'm sure you will pull through!

[fetish]

graceful, great analogies. geegee girl thanks for the links.

 

graceful you're right about my place. It feels like a disadvantage because it seems like I'm still stuck in the walls and the memories of us two being there while she's moved on to different environments and surroundings. I feel left behind. I know you can't run from pain and even though she shouldn't be an concern to me, I'm betting she's having just as tough a time.

 

And as for going to a bar with friends, like i said before, I really don't have any friends at the moment which is my fault. Most of the friends i met when i first moved here have either moved away or we simply lost contact and i ran into a few sheisty ones, so i kind of quit trusting people. Me and my girl were always hanging out together, until recently. Her gambling buddy is someone she knew from college and she has friends so I'm thinking my ex isn't as lonely as i am. She moved into the same apartment complex as her gambling buddy.

 

It's just this trying to let go is what's killing me. I've allowed this whole thing to make me feel worthless. She put pressure on me for years to propose and we talked about family and then bam, she shows her true colors of being a runner and not a fighter.