Owl Posted February 28, 2012 Posted February 28, 2012 It'll be years before she is. My prediction is she's planning on using 'MC' to end the marriage for good. I'm jaded because professional, mainstream marriage counseling is perhaps the cruelest joke of all. Chances are, she'll get the encouragement she's looking for. Here's hoping your current plan works out. Get your head clear- I can't completely agree with that, Steadfast. We went to two different MC's after d-day. Neither encouraged her actions. In fact, the first one was so completely against what she'd done that she alienated my wife and it completely prevented any real "working on issues" to happen. That's why we eventually dropped that MC and went to a counselor I'd been seeing for IC as an MC instead...because I could tell that while he didn't agree with her actions, he'd be careful to maintain a "safe balance" so that she'd be able to open up and communicate, rather than shut down and we'd get nowhere. Had we not had that particular counselor to help us deal with the rough spots, I doubt we could have reconciled. The real funny thing about it is that years later, my wife commented that the first counselor was absolutely right...just not particularly helpful. But...I'd agree that the reason that the OP's wife wants MC is to ease into the end of the marriage. If he's smart, he'll make sure to pick a counselor that can help him take it in the opposite direction. 1
ShatteredReality Posted March 9, 2012 Posted March 9, 2012 (edited) Any updates C?? I had technological blackout for a couple of weeks...but I am back... Also...I know it was already said....but as a person who was there...it truly will be years before she's able to work through all of her feelings for OM. And, again, I am different, but if she's at all like me those feelings will transition wildly from longing to fondness to resentment to hate to acceptance of who was and is back to resentment and hate perhaps even touch back on acceptance to curiosity and so on. I have spent the better part of the last year and a half tossing from acceptance to resentment to hate and back again...fortunately I can say with great honesty once I moved past missing him and being fond of him in any fashion - those two did not return. It rather disgusts me they were there in the first place. Oh yes - disgusted will be in there, too. Edited March 9, 2012 by ShatteredReality sp
dariusbenedict Posted March 10, 2012 Posted March 10, 2012 hi c0nfuzd, i have been in your shoes about 9 years ago. although the difference is the scenario. i have been so caught up with my career that i was not aware that i have neglected her and never listened to the cues and clues she has been dropping about her dissatisfaction about our situation and marriage. then one day, i found out that she was having an affair with her boss. the affair started as an innocent conversation about her dissatisfaction that leads to one thing to another. i felt so betrayed that my reasoning is that i was doing everything for the future of our kids. during that time she has been so emotionally attached with her boss and same thing with you, he wanted me to stay for the kids as my children then were too you young. did i tried to win her back despite the fact that i knew she was emotionally attached with her boss? yes, i did. i have learned through the process that she's not actually in love with her boss but emotionally attached as he has been filling the empty spaces i made. and i also learned that to truly move forward is to understand where the pain are really coming from. yes, sure drugs and all the stuff you mentioned are the obvious reasons but believe me, they are just the tip of the iceberg. don't underestimate the capacity of women, especially the ones who loved you, to understand your addictions. although those could be the obvious reasons, if you want to win her back, i thin you'll have to dig deeper. most of the times women won't tell you in black and white their emotions but would just be dropping hints. should you win her back? i must say yes. i think that the only reason why she's holding on with her boss is because the emotional satisfaction she's getting from him. give that to her... fulfill that. i think you're off to a new start. after all, she married you. that means, she married you for a real good reason. i do hope that you'll win her back man. 1
Author c0nfuzd Posted March 20, 2012 Author Posted March 20, 2012 update... the PI revealed absolutely zilch which came to me as no real surprise...as far as he can see there is no affair; I am also pretty sure that she is not aware of the keylogger considering some of the stuff I have been privvy to what is clear at this point is that she still has feelings for OM...her IC sessions have not changed that and she is weary of going to MC because she is not ready to make us work....she is still not sure what she wants at this point; ironically she knew exactly what she wanted when she was having the A but she is considering allowing me to join her and the kids during weekly family events which I see as a small step forward...no more lonely Friday nights... she also says that she feels more comfortable around me lately as in I am not "attacking" her tonight she is returning from a trip abroad and guess who was on the same trip? yes, the OM....she was honest enough to tell me beforehand about it; I was hoping she would lie about it (since my keylogger had confirmed their trip anyways) so that it would give me the reason I need to leave....we talked about her trip and she indicates that she was not aware of him being on the same trip (which I have no evidence to suggest otherwise) but in the future she will talk to him prior to so that this "coincidence" does not happen or is minimized I see that she is trying to make an effort to be more transparent which is good but a long way from me trusting her fully
Author c0nfuzd Posted March 21, 2012 Author Posted March 21, 2012 btw, W's mom wants 2 talk to OM....is this a good idea?
2sunny Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 btw, W's mom wants 2 talk to OM....is this a good idea? Seriously? What wold be accomplished by doing that? Why is your mother in law sticking her nose inwjphere she doesn't belong? Why isn't your WIFE willi to tell OM whatever needs to be said - whether it be a solid boundary or opposite... And kick your wife off that fence she's sitti on... She's suffering no consequences for her bad behavior.
robf1971 Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 btw, W's mom wants 2 talk to OM....is this a good idea? Tell you W's mom to 'F off out of your business'
2long Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 I can't imagine what your wife's mom hopes 2 accomplish by contacting the OM herself. Why is your wife still in contact with the OM? If they still work at the same company, why do they? And why can't she get this information (about his business travel plans) from someone other than him?? You're not "there" yet either, but if your wife doesn't make a more serious effort 2 pull her head out of her nethers faster than she is currently, you're not going 2 care when she finally does. And as for looking for excuses in her behavior for leaving her? Do what you want because it's what you want. Don't rationalize it as some sort of punishment for her not doing what you think she should be doing, or doing what you think she shouldn't. -ol' 2long
ShatteredReality Posted March 21, 2012 Posted March 21, 2012 Your mil should definitely NOT talk to OM. There is nothing to be gained there except her being one more flair of drama in the whole situation. You said you're waiting for an excuse to leave? I have been mia for a few weeks...so I am sure someone else has said this but - your excuse was the affair in the first place. I know she's playing the fence game - but it will make it worse if you play that also. Once you pick a side it's best to stay on that side and work toward it...otherwise the instability of it all will cause you more heartache than it's worth.
IzzyB Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Ummm, now for a reality check for all of you posters on this thread. This dude was an abusive and absent addicted drug user for many years during his children's formative years. Do I need to repeat that? He didn't seek counseling, he almost certainly has not told the worst of his behaviors and abuses, and yet the Loveshack consensus is that the wife is at fault for occasionally seeking some love and affirmation during this hell. What are you people smoking? Where's the compassion for a wife that held this family together by herself financially, emotionally and parentally while she and the kids were being abused? For years and years and years while confused drug dad was off spending family money on his addictions. It's easy to say you've changed. He expects wife to hop back on the 'everything is ok bandwagon' after years of this crap at the snap of his fingers? How about getting his ass to therapy and earning a little respect and trust? Like for a year or two before he expects any changes. She has heard it all before, the promises, the pleading, and undoubtedly every time this dude went back to his drugs. Responses so far on this thread could only have come from Puritan fundamentalists or people totally ignorant about substance abuse and dependence. Get this guy to a therapist immediately. Drug abuse changes the brain and how people think. Until he deals with that and gets his head back to a more rational state, his 'dry drunk' thinking will continue and nothing will really change. Get off the wife's back. Note that she could have divorced this dude a long time ago. She likely has been waiting for a change but like any healthy person needs confirmation that its permanent, not another temporary promise that will be broken next week. They both need individual and couples therapy to make this work. Focusing on the wife's completely understandable need for a supportive friend and shoulder during this dude's self-imposed hell won't help this dude. Her work was the only island of rationality during all this. I think objective people can forgive her affair in comparison to the years and years of drug abuse and family abuse. The goal should be to help heal this family and that won't happen unless this dude does more than talk about change. 2
ShatteredReality Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Ummm, now for a reality check for all of you posters on this thread. This dude was an abusive and absent addicted drug user for many years during his children's formative years. Do I need to repeat that? He didn't seek counseling, he almost certainly has not told the worst of his behaviors and abuses, and yet the Loveshack consensus is that the wife is at fault for occasionally seeking some love and affirmation during this hell. What are you people smoking? Where's the compassion for a wife that held this family together by herself financially, emotionally and parentally while she and the kids were being abused? For years and years and years while confused drug dad was off spending family money on his addictions. It's easy to say you've changed. He expects wife to hop back on the 'everything is ok bandwagon' after years of this crap at the snap of his fingers? How about getting his ass to therapy and earning a little respect and trust? Like for a year or two before he expects any changes. She has heard it all before, the promises, the pleading, and undoubtedly every time this dude went back to his drugs. Responses so far on this thread could only have come from Puritan fundamentalists or people totally ignorant about substance abuse and dependence. Get this guy to a therapist immediately. Drug abuse changes the brain and how people think. Until he deals with that and gets his head back to a more rational state, his 'dry drunk' thinking will continue and nothing will really change. Get off the wife's back. Note that she could have divorced this dude a long time ago. She likely has been waiting for a change but like any healthy person needs confirmation that its permanent, not another temporary promise that will be broken next week. They both need individual and couples therapy to make this work. Focusing on the wife's completely understandable need for a supportive friend and shoulder during this dude's self-imposed hell won't help this dude. Her work was the only island of rationality during all this. I think objective people can forgive her affair in comparison to the years and years of drug abuse and family abuse. The goal should be to help heal this family and that won't happen unless this dude does more than talk about change. Hey Izzy, I have been following Confused for a long time. This has evolved over time. I don't condone his actions, nor do I sit here and tell him his wife is all in the wrong. Instead, and I think Confused understands this, he needs to own his actions and she needs to own hers. If his abuse was that bad and unliveable she should have left him. And before you jump all over me - I married an abusive substance abuser as well. So I believe the same theory applies to all of us who stick with an abuser. We need to own ourselves and leave before we choose to walk the path of the unfaithful one....cheating isn't the solution to the problem - it is just another symptom that makes everything worse. Plus, she cheated before she ever even married him...so his abuse and her cheating are two separate issues. He needs to prove he will not abuse her or drugs anymore - which he has been working on for some time now, and she needs to prove she won't cheat on him. So, while I agree all the blame cannot be lumped onto her as this cheating wh*re of a wife, I also believe he deserves credit for his progress. Neither of them deserves a pass for their actions, but if they are both willing to be honest and own them, they can move forward from here and build a decent family life for themselves. 1
2sunny Posted March 22, 2012 Posted March 22, 2012 Just stay on a good path for you. She may or may or may not re enter the marriage - that is beside the point. The best thing is for YOU to focus in YOU...and doing the best YOU can. She may have "had it with you" so she checked out! Much the same as you did for years - she's tossed the batton to you - so its your turn to step up! Either you will or you won't! What's it gonna be?
robf1971 Posted March 23, 2012 Posted March 23, 2012 that the wife is at fault for occasionally seeking some love and affirmation during this hell. What are you people smoking? Where's the compassion for a wife that held this family together by herself financially, emotionally and parentally while she and the kids were being abused? . Then she should have left with the kids or kicked him out and divorced him before she decided to become the neighbourhood bicycle.
Author c0nfuzd Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Ummm, now for a reality check for all of you posters on this thread. This dude was an abusive and absent addicted drug user for many years during his children's formative years. Do I need to repeat that? He didn't seek counseling, he almost certainly has not told the worst of his behaviors and abuses, and yet the Loveshack consensus is that the wife is at fault for occasionally seeking some love and affirmation during this hell. What are you people smoking? Where's the compassion for a wife that held this family together by herself financially, emotionally and parentally while she and the kids were being abused? For years and years and years while confused drug dad was off spending family money on his addictions. It's easy to say you've changed. He expects wife to hop back on the 'everything is ok bandwagon' after years of this crap at the snap of his fingers? How about getting his ass to therapy and earning a little respect and trust? Like for a year or two before he expects any changes. She has heard it all before, the promises, the pleading, and undoubtedly every time this dude went back to his drugs. Responses so far on this thread could only have come from Puritan fundamentalists or people totally ignorant about substance abuse and dependence. Get this guy to a therapist immediately. Drug abuse changes the brain and how people think. Until he deals with that and gets his head back to a more rational state, his 'dry drunk' thinking will continue and nothing will really change. Get off the wife's back. Note that she could have divorced this dude a long time ago. She likely has been waiting for a change but like any healthy person needs confirmation that its permanent, not another temporary promise that will be broken next week. They both need individual and couples therapy to make this work. Focusing on the wife's completely understandable need for a supportive friend and shoulder during this dude's self-imposed hell won't help this dude. Her work was the only island of rationality during all this. I think objective people can forgive her affair in comparison to the years and years of drug abuse and family abuse. The goal should be to help heal this family and that won't happen unless this dude does more than talk about change. excellent post and I commend you for it...pls keep in mind though that I have never made promises before to change; it is not in my nature to make empty promises; having said this, next month I will be celebrating 1 year of complete sobriety; have not reverted to my old ways, not once and as to W's A.....while I could forgive her, it is even more difficult to look the other way when you take into account that she had a 1-night stand with the same guy while we were engaged....this is where I am struggling in understanding what is left of my marriage; she cannot even admit that it happened (she doesn't know I have proof of it), so how can I trust her going forward? but I feel like this may be coming to a conclusion soon...she does not seem to want to make this work; she is already looking at other houses to buy as she knows she will have to sell our current one; I think the writing is on the wall so I'm pretty much ready to D
Bryanp Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Tell her to stop lying and tell her you do have proof of her affairs.
2sunny Posted April 3, 2012 Posted April 3, 2012 So you are still leaving YOURSELF hanging? Hanging on what she does or doesn't do? Hanging on what she does or doesn't decide? I'm wondering why YOU don't decide and take action for what's best for you?
SimonMas Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 It has been a while since I visited LS. I was hoping to see an update in this thread. It would be good if you could post something. 1
Author c0nfuzd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 sorry for not updating sooner...not much has changed but there has been a new development with OM....seems 2 me there is an OW coming into the picture (surprise surprise lmao) you can all tell me what 2 make of this email (read it from the bottom up) -------------------------------------- From: OM Sent: To: OW Subject: Re: url I am going to stop talking as I don’t want to cross a line…or at least take the conversation to WhatsApp. Lunch would be great. From: OW Sent: To: OM Subject: Re: url Ha ha! Thanks. Let's have lunch soon From: OM Sent: To: OW Subject: RE: url And since we are on the subject, let me return the compliment…and you didn’t even have to ask for it! From: OW Sent: To: OM Subject: Re: url From: OM Sent: To: OW Subject: RE: url Coming from you, greatly appreciated!! From: OW Sent: To: OM Subject: Re: url Ha ha. It's a compliment! From: OM Sent: To: OW Subject: RE: url I think that’s a compliment, but greatly diminished by the fact I had to ask for it From: OW Sent: To: OM Subject: Re: url Lol Dexter's good looking!!! From: OM Sent: To: OW Subject: RE: url I was hoping when you tell me I remind you of a celebrity you would say he is hot…not that he is a serial killer!! From: OW Sent: To: OM Subject: url Dexter! ------------------------------------------ I told W about this and she initially shrugged it off saying she doesn't care if OM has an OW since she has moved on; but when she woke up her mood was visibly affected...she turned it around on me asking me when I am going to stop digging for info; she still doesn't know about the keylogger heh heh it's clear 2 me that it bothers her...she sold her body and mind to this OM and really thought he was her soulmate....I think she realizes now that she's getting played; 2 make matters worse this OW is at her workplace as for W and I, status quo; still in basement and no physical contact with her; I've come across more emails where she basically betrayed me entirely; she told OM everything about me in the hopes of landing him; she just doesn't get it that OM will not divorce just 2 be with her she threatened me again with divorce for giving her this info...I guess it's her way of saying thanks for watching her back
Author c0nfuzd Posted May 26, 2012 Author Posted May 26, 2012 So you are still leaving YOURSELF hanging? Hanging on what she does or doesn't do? Hanging on what she does or doesn't decide? I'm wondering why YOU don't decide and take action for what's best for you? what's best 4 me is to b there 4 my kids....if I leave home/divorce, I cannot b there for them....I've gone over this in my head and the best option is to stay put and endure and I sincerely believe one day she will wake up and realize that I am the best father for our children and that our marriage can be fixed.....call me crazy but I don't want another relationship in this lifetime....it's either this or nothing....people make mistakes just like I did....it's easy to walk away and a lot harder to try to fix it....W says she is still not determined as 2 what she wants...she put up with me 4 8 years.....I've been putting up with this 4 1 year so far and will keep going until I can no longer.....and the battle goes on btw, celebrated 1 full year of sobriety...no drugs.....well, I do have a scotch occasionally when I find my weekend solitude overwhelming
2sunny Posted May 26, 2012 Posted May 26, 2012 You are contradicting yourself. You didn't celebrate a whole year of sobriety if you have an occasional scotch. Have you done your step work?
turnera Posted May 27, 2012 Posted May 27, 2012 Wow. You think you are doing your kids a FAVOR by showing them that you're willing to live in your basement like Quasimoto...
Author c0nfuzd Posted May 27, 2012 Author Posted May 27, 2012 Wow. You think you are doing your kids a FAVOR by showing them that you're willing to live in your basement like Quasimoto... I don't live in the basement...I just sleep there...I've asked my kids if they would be ok with me leaving and I get a resounding no...it's not about doing them a favor, it's about the responsibility I have to be there as a father for them...there is no way I could be involved in their lives daily by walking away...I'd b lucky 2 c them weekly...W would only agree 2 every other week As long as there is no other man in her life, I can put up with these living arrangements...I've asked her 2 tell me if she gets involved with someone so that I can walk away...she says I am free 2 c other women as well but I am not interested as long as I live at home with the kids...besides I don't want 2 start a relationship for a long time if at all
turnera Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 Or...you could show your kids how a man LEADS his family by making HER get out of the house, instead of letting her treat you like Quasimoto. *shakes head* Look, I know you think you're doing the right thing by your kids. But you are NOT showing them how a man handles situations. They are going to become just like you if they're male or they're going to treat the men in their lives just like you if they're female.
Author c0nfuzd Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 Or...you could show your kids how a man LEADS his family by making HER get out of the house, instead of letting her treat you like Quasimoto. *shakes head* Look, I know you think you're doing the right thing by your kids. But you are NOT showing them how a man handles situations. They are going to become just like you if they're male or they're going to treat the men in their lives just like you if they're female. I'm not following you...if she is no longer in an A, why would I ask her 2 leave? and even if she was, do I have the right 2 kick her out? it doesn't sound right to treat a woman this way no matter what she does
Author c0nfuzd Posted June 1, 2012 Author Posted June 1, 2012 You are contradicting yourself. You didn't celebrate a whole year of sobriety if you have an occasional scotch. Have you done your step work? I don't drink 2 get drunk...I enjoy scotch for its flavor...much like I enjoy tea; if you knew how much drugs I consumed over the years consistently, your comment would b different I assure you what is step work?
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