yessy21 Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Well, After carefully reading your story and reading everyone elses opinions i will give my own. 1. you must tell your side of the story. 2.You must let her go. take them out to lunch privatley and explain what happened and let them know that the only reason you are telling them is to not having any misunderstandings with you. you have connected with these people and just because you are not tied to them by family bond anymore doesnt mean that they cant be aquainted to you. you are not divorcing them just her. and selfish is her and her sister for not giving you the opportunity to speak. one last lunch never hurt anybody. P.s Make sure its done privatley. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Wanted to add that the reason I'm so adamant about this is that I've dated lots of women in my day, and have heard some truly outrageous, shocking accusations about lots of women's exes that later turned out to be completely groundless. The types who are prone to cheat more egregiously are EXACTLY the types who slander their exes in this way. Unless someone or something frightens them into silence, they will repeat these slanders for years and years. Fear that the truth will come out -might- deter them, but in the U.S. today, where everything women say is taken as gospel, might not. OP could have already been branded a pedophile, physically abusive, drug addict, other addict, criminal, alcoholic, erectile dysfunction, etc. to 100s or 1000s of people. Nothing to do about that now unless he proactively goes to mutual friends and puts them on the spot and the slanderer has reachable assets (slim chance of either), but he CAN take steps to try to stop future slanders. This would include making sure ALL mutual contacts of the marriage know the truth in a matter of fact way without spitefulness, "just the facts maam." Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Would leave work alone. As long as she is aware of the level of proof you have, and that you haven't outed her for cheating, then she would have to be incredibly stupid or crazy to stir things up at work where they can get back to you very easily. Would be much more concerned about other mutual friends and acquaintances. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 You're divorced, apparently solvent and mostly sane. Congratulations, you've done well Sometimes, doing well is enough. I would balance carefully the potential benefits to your reputation against the emotional impact of 'clearing the air'. I can see the arguments on both sides and have actually lived some of it myself and, upon reflection, tend to fall on the side of continuing to live an honorable life and considering this chapter to be closed. I wish you well in your decision and future. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Its been two years now, we're finally separated Divorced or separated? People at work are going to think whatever they think and you can't control this. One would hope your wife (and you) would just say, sadly things didn't work out.. And leave it at that. Please, do yourself a big favour, especially if indeed you ARE divorced, call her your ex-wife. She no longer is your wife and you no longer are her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 OP wrote: 'Our divorce was finally finalized December 2011 and my wife told them about two weeks ago. It is still very fresh.' Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I say tell them, and if they want to see the evidence, show them! I'd be respectful though doing it! Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Raysofhope........ I don't know how to say this so I am just going to say it.... YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG BABY!!!! That is their daughter and NO MATTER what you tell them...they will believe her.... Go on and live your life...you are divorced, don't be vindictive. MOVE ON..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I know you are hurt and you feel like you want to be vindicated but you ARE divorced now, and since you are divorced, it's over. You need to find closure within yourself. I don't think you came here for advice or opinions that differ from your own, you just want those who agree with you because you very loudly object to anything different. Very well said LadyGrey!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Wife cheated. Should I tell her parents? First of all, congrats on getting your main point across in your thread title, rendering whatever else you wrote as being fully unrelated, in this case. The answer is: ... of course not!! For you can always tell them, yet you could never UN-tell them Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Raysofhope........ I don't know how to say this so I am just going to say it.... YOU SOUND LIKE A BIG BABY!!!! That is their daughter and NO MATTER what you tell them...they will believe her.... Go on and live your life...you are divorced, don't be vindictive. MOVE ON..... Belittling his pain is not nice or appropriate. This has clearly consumed 2 years of his life. Having been through something similar over a much shorter period I can tell you the emotional effects are intense. Make no mistake what this woman did was intentional emotional abuse. Somebody needs to do much more than just tell the parents. Somebody should chew their @ss for a good 2 years about what a terrible person they raised. It's their job to teach morals to their children and clearly they failed. It's his life... he can handle it however he chooses. This may be a giant mistake, but it's his life and his choice. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Seems like an odd thing to do to rat her out to her parents. Are you hoping they will ground her? They aren't going to do anything. They probably won't even say anything to her. They will just want you gone so they can stop feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Your relationship was with her, not them. They don't want to know what should have gone on behind closed doors. It's over. She exploited your vulnerabilities. She took advantage. You have to look past it. Her parents have no satisfaction to offer you. No one does. It's for you to figure out how to deal with on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
candybars21 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 What would be the point of telling them? I don't understand. Even if they know, she is still their daughter and they would still "side" with her, just as I would expect your friends to "side" with you. They may not agree with what she did, but in the end, she is their daughter. What will it gain for you to tell them? Are you trying to ruin their relationship with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) It just feels so High School. Like a little teenaged girl going teary eyed to talk to the mother of the boy who broke her heart. Be a man and wipe your hands of this. Your reputation is effectivly ruined with her family even if the reason the mariage ended was your golden penis. Nothing good will come of this. I could care less about her family or her. My advice is for whats best for you. Best not to engage her family pointlessly. You've no doubt told any one who will listen including her sister what happend. It's over, if you didn't tell her parents by now there is no need. I mean what next you need to clear the record with her cousins, and uncle who you saw that one time over thanksgiving. Her friends that you don't see any more... where does it end. You already told every one who matters now move on and start living again. Easier said then done I know. Take each day one at a time the only way you can and live your life. Edited January 17, 2012 by Dust Link to post Share on other sites
RRM Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 (edited) My wife and I work at the same place. Fortunately, in different areas so we dont need to se each other each day. Many of our mutual friends at work still don't know what happened between us. However, if I don't start setting things straight, it definately will be my reputation on the line if people think I played a part in our marriage failing. I feel like I'm screwed either way. No matter what I do is going to affect me at work somehow. I don't tell - no drama and everyone thinks I somehow screwed us up. I do tell - my side of te story is out but the workplace rumor mill will create any drama I had hoped to avoid. When going over responses, I realized that I was thinking beyond just telling the parents in my last post. I think you should definitely leave the parents out of this, since your relationship with them is done. If you want to tell people at work, that's your choice, but I honestly think taking the higher road and just moving on with your life will be better for you since you can move on from this part of your life. Edited January 17, 2012 by RRM Link to post Share on other sites
candybars21 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 When going over responses, I realized that I was thinking beyond just telling the parents in my last post. I think you should definitely leave the parents out of this, since your relationship with them is done. If you want to tell people at work, that's your choice, but I honestly think taking the higher road and just moving on with your life will be better for you since you can move on from this part of your life. I agree with this as well. Telling other people seems cruel. She said "It didn't work out," which is true! She didn't respect your marriage vows, so it didn't work out....the end. You don't want to air your dirty laundry to the world. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Your ex-sister-in-law is spot on, listen to her and as difficult as it is, and I know how difficult it is, start the healing process & move on. A parent will NEVER choose you over their daughter even if you're a saint & she's... everything you say, that's their kid and as rough as this is, blood is thicker than water especially between parents & kids. Don't make a fool of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If you feel you must tell her parents and show them the proof then do it by mail. Just write a letter and send the proof. There's no reason to show up at their home and make them uncomfortable. I hope it makes you feel better because it isn't going to make a bit of difference in how they feel about their daughter. The parents are now out of your life but will always be there for her even if she and her affair end up together. The people at your job probably already know that your wife was having an affair as women tend to tell people because they want to talk about it. Therefore it gets in the rumor mill so I'm pretty sure people at your job know she has been cheating and you were trying to hold the marriage together. Again, if you think it will make you feel better go ahead and do it, but it won't affect her relationship with her parents one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Somebody needs to do much more than just tell the parents. Somebody should chew their @ss for a good 2 years about what a terrible person they raised. It's their job to teach morals to their children and clearly they failed. It's his life... he can handle it however he chooses. This may be a giant mistake, but it's his life and his choice. You cannot blame her parents. They probably did teach her morals but she is a grown woman who made her own choices because afterall it is her life as well so she can handle it however she chooses. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Belittling his pain is not nice or appropriate. This has clearly consumed 2 years of his life. Having been through something similar over a much shorter period I can tell you the emotional effects are intense. Make no mistake what this woman did was intentional emotional abuse. Somebody needs to do much more than just tell the parents. Somebody should chew their @ss for a good 2 years about what a terrible person they raised. It's their job to teach morals to their children and clearly they failed. It's his life... he can handle it however he chooses. This may be a giant mistake, but it's his life and his choice. UF,,,,, I wasn't belittling his pain....as I first stated....I don't know how to say this....but....Understand???? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 His WW parents need to be shown the evidence. Then he can put this to rest. There is no reason that he should have to take the blame. The blame needs to be placed on his WW. Her parents can refuse to hold her accountable but they will know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Michael30 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Well at least the divorce is finalized. If you want to tell them then do so, but don't expect them to call you and say sorry because no matter if their daughter snuffed crack or killed someone, their allegiance will always be towards her, just like any real parent with their kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Two years is a long time to wait to bring this up with ex inlaws. Because of that, I'd likely let sleeping dogs lie and get on with life. The last thing you want is to stir up drama you'd have to muck into with your ex, your ex SIL, etc. If at all possible, move on. OTOH... Never let an obviously self-interested person, or any other person for that matter, shame you into not exercising your right to defend yourself against likely slander. While it's true that they are no longer in your life, we never know what the future holds, and having untruths about you "out there" in your larger world should be corrected if at all possible. You have every right, despite what your ex SIL says, to take steps to clear your name with these people. In your shoes, I'd definitely tell them. Your reputation is your problem; whatever consequences the truth will have in their family are not your problem. Sorry. If it were anything under two years I'd try to be more definite, but two years is a long time. I agree. If it's cathartic to you, let them know, send them the evidence, and then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I can understand if this whole thing has made you feel utterly powerless. Making sure your reputation doesn't take a hit due to her awful behavior is more than understandable. And why should you protect her reputation? You shouldn't have to. That's her problem. Just check your intentions. If your intentions are to protect yourself and have the truth out there, then tell. If your intentions are to destroy her (like at work), then don't. I would tell her parents, and your friends what happened. Strangers, and coworkers would get the "It didn't work out. We wanted different things. I did my best," line...It's true. You wanted fidelity and she didn't. Good luck. Your life will get much better from this point on. The truth really does set you free. I'm sure after so much deception, you simply want to live in truth. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Been debating back and forth in my mind as to what's the best way to approach this but I hear so many conflicting opinions on this. My wife was actually cheating on me the entire time we were engaged, during our honeymoon and every moment after that. Sounds exactly like my x-wife. When I found out about my wife's affair, the first person I talked with about it was my wife's sister who had been supportive all along. My wife still doesn't know her sister knows the whole story. Its been two years now, we're finally separated and I just found out from her sister that my wife has simply told her parents that "It didn't work out". However, I don't know exactly what she said. Her sister who was formerly supportive of me is now calling me 'selfish' for wanting to tell her parents the truth. She said I'd be no better than the the man my wife cheated on me with if I told her parents because I'd only be doing it to try and hurt my wife. Baloney. The only way you wouldn't be any better than her is if you cheated yourself. I didn't seek to tell my x-wife's father what she did. He sort of knew, but when he came over to talk to me, I had no problem telling him his daughter was a wh0re, just like her mother(whom her father divorced long ago). She said I really need to question my own motives as to why I would want to tell her parents. Because she lied to them about why you are separating. She left it open for her parents to question your character in the whole thing. Next thing you know they'll think you mentally abused her or something. According to her, my wife's parents are no longer part of my life and what they think of what happened to our marriage is no longer my concern. She also said her parents probably wouldn't believe me and that if my intent was to get satisfaction by turning my wife's family against my wife, that she's quite sure that I wouldn't find that satisfaction, and that her parents would put me out on the street! Sounds like sissy is just wanting to protect her siblings reputation. But really, unless her family comes to you and asks what happened, just let it go. I tell my wife's sister that I just want to let her parents know the truth because I couldn't stand it if they thought i had something to do with the failure of our marraige. Her response was "You think too much about what other people think about you. My parents are no longer part of your life so just let them be" Then I'd tell this sister of your stbXwife, "fair enough, then you make sure they don't go around badmouthing me when they don't know the true story" At this point, I'm highly suspicious about what exactly my wife told her family if her sister has pulled a 180 on me like this. Ask the sister. Regardless of what her sister thinks though, I'm still highly set on telling her parents. It grinds at me knowing that her parents don't know what happened - but at the same time - I also see her sister's point about them not being a part of my life anymore. However, it shouldn't be my fault if her parents are sad or hurt of this news, she's the one who hurt them, not me. That should be on my wife. Here is what you do. ONLY tell he parents what really happened if they come to you with questions, OR if you hear around town that they are badmouthing you and such. If you hear that her parents are telling people that you were, for example, emotionally abusive or neglectful, THEN you go to her parents and set the record straight. Until then, let your wh0re stbXwife try to save face. Who cares? The important thing is that you will be free from her. Let her be some other poor sap's problem. What are your thoughts on this? Am I really in the wrong for wanting to tell her parents You are not in the wrong for WANTING to do this. The thought of getting the truth out is normal. or is this just her sister trying to cover for her? I think I'm set in telling them no matter what anyone says - I would never be able to feel at peace unless they knew - but I would still highly value any insight you guys might have. Have you talked to her parents at all, or heard anything they have told others? If not, then let it lie. If you hear they are smearing your name, then go to them and set the record straight. Link to post Share on other sites
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