3rd date: he asked me back to his place already

[taiko]

This thread is a month old. You bumped it because, why?

 

Well I jumped to the end to see if the guy was a Lykis 101, three strikes you're out type of situation.

[ThaWholigan]

I think you're an exception.

 

Not really......I think a lot of men have more self-control than even we give ourselves credit for. Depends on the level of desperation or what one is looking for.

[PlumPrincess]

Not really......I think a lot of men have more self-control than even we give ourselves credit for. Depends on the level of desperation or what one is looking for.

I'm not saying that men are wild animals without self-control. I do assume though that when a guy invites me to his place that he is going to try something and that it's not just about talking or watching a movie.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm not saying that men are wild animals without self-control. I do assume though that when a guy invites me to his place that he is going to try something and that it's not just about talking or watching a movie.

Understandable I guess, but I tend to echo Kaylan's POV with regards to how I prefer to accompany women when they are at my house. If escalation is not appropriate for me personally or for her, I am quite happy just relaxing in the company of a woman, I enjoy being around them because they are always easier to have conversations with once you get to know them, if not that then simply for the fact that I am around guys all the time, I need some feminine energy to balance out all the testosterone that surrounds me LOL.....

Edited February 8, 2012 by ThaWholigan

[FredRutherford]

Understandable I guess, but I tend to echo Kaylan's POV with regards to how I prefer to accompany women when they are at my house.

 

If escalation is not appropriate for me personally or for her, I am quite happy just relaxing in the company of a woman, I enjoy being around them because they are always easier to have conversations with once you get to know them

 

I believe you there.

Have dated women I wasn't terrible attracted to, nor in love with.

 

One pretty blonde I dated, she appeared to have feelings for me but I just didn't feel it.

Broke it off bec. I didn't see it going anywhere.

 

She was nice and all and would've made any man happy, but I couldn't see being with her for the rest of my life.

 

She practically threw herself at me and offered to let me stay the night and have my way with her... if I didn't break us up.

 

Months later, when meeting as just "friends" sitting on my couch at my apt., something similar happened, but I didn't take the bait as I couldn't see myself having sex with someone I wasn't in love with.

Been there, done that.

 

Yes, was blind to realize I couldn't be "just friends" with an EX...

[carhill]

I'm not saying that men are wild animals without self-control. I do assume though that when a guy invites me to his place that he is going to try something and that it's not just about talking or watching a movie.

Here's an unloaded question:

 

How do you feel when he fails to perform to your assumption?

 

As a follow-up, for clarity, what do you mean by 'try something'?

[PlumPrincess]

Here's an unloaded question:

 

How do you feel when he fails to perform to your assumption?

 

As a follow-up, for clarity, what do you mean by 'try something'?

If I'm at his place with that assumption about him, it's likely that I would like him to do something, so if he didn't, I would feel somewhat disappointed and/or confused.

 

Something physical? Like making out or having sex?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Like out of a textbook... I don't feel like writing much since I'm bit down today so I'll post a quick post; maybe I'll post more later. Soooo.... we had our 3rd date last night (as opposed to our previous day/afternoon dates) and all was going simply GREAT so far. He seemed brilliant. Smart, charming, educated, well-dressed, polite, great sense of humour and last but not least, great looks, too! We went to the cinema and then a nice restaurant. Anyway... We flirted a lot and I thought there was a lot of chemistry between us. We kissed once and it was really great. I was looking forward to the 4th date soon. That was before the night ended and well.... before he asked me to his place to err.. how should I say that... "sleep". Oh I'm pretty sure about what he meant by that. LOL It was just past midnight, the restaurant was closing, and was about to get a taxi back home. I tried to find some excuses as to why I shouldn't, like not having any proper clothes (to which he replied laughing "well, you won't need them." I then said I was feeling a bit tired and sleepy (and I was). And so on... Long story short, it was rapidly getting awkward by then, but he was still asking me and that put me off a lot. Just... total turn off I suppose. I just won't do that (in less than a week I mean, because to me it feels too casual). So it was like he turned to another person. Anyway, the taxi was not far away and I awkwardly mumbled some more excuses as politely as I could, wished goodnight and left. He has texted me three times so far since yesterday but I haven't responded yet. I will have to, soon, though. So.... I suppose the question should be: how do I let him down gently? Aaargh!! I thought this one was great and fully compatible. I just feel down).

 

 

I get that this thread is old, but somebody just keeps it alive... so:

 

 

The position of the OP is just... askew!

 

 

While it is perfectly acceptable that she has and maintains her standards for dating and intimacy, IT IS ALSO PERFECTLY WITHIN REASON that a person in today's dating world might be open to intimacy by the 3rd date.

 

YOU yourself described it as the "3rd date"... you then gave favorable reports about just about everything about the date, and about the person...

 

... only to seem miffed when he (again, very much within reason) suggested intimacy as that 3rd date wound down.

 

That you were wholly unable to offer him the honest truth about yourself and your standards, and were instead trying "to find some excuses" WAS the direct cause as to WHY "it was rapidly getting awkward by then".

 

Had you observed that his right to ASK is the exact equivalent to your right to say "no", then you would not have brought this "awkwardness" upon yourself, and as far as we know, you would still be enjoying the feelings of which you previously wrote.

 

 

I mean, do you really hear women standing around the office water cooler saying: oh my GAWD, he asked me to sleep with him after THREE DATES! (with shared looks of astonishment and condemnation on their faces) ??

[silvermercy]

I get that this thread is old, but somebody just keeps it alive... so:

 

 

The position of the OP is just... askew!

 

 

While it is perfectly acceptable that she has and maintains her standards for dating and intimacy, IT IS ALSO PERFECTLY WITHIN REASON that a person in today's dating world might be open to intimacy by the 3rd date.

 

YOU yourself described it as the "3rd date"... you then gave favorable reports about just about everything about the date, and about the person...

 

... only to seem miffed when he (again, very much within reason) suggested intimacy as that 3rd date wound down.

 

That you were wholly unable to offer him the honest truth about yourself and your standards, and were instead trying "to find some excuses" WAS the direct cause as to WHY "it was rapidly getting awkward by then".

 

Had you observed that his right to ASK is the exact equivalent to your right to say "no", then you would not have brought this "awkwardness" upon yourself, and as far as we know, you would still be enjoying the feelings of which you previously wrote.

 

 

I mean, do you really hear women standing around the office water cooler saying: oh my GAWD, he asked me to sleep with him after THREE DATES! (with shared looks of astonishment and condemnation on their faces) ??

Awkward or not awkward, the result was the same: he made a complete disappearing act once he CLEARLY learnt sex would have to wait, even for just a little while. No loss for me. Anyway, this is old news now.

[silvermercy]

Put yourself in the guy's shoes:

 

He's thinking, "I really had a great time tonight. She really seems to like me. And she appreciates my kisses. Maybe she'd like to go further."

 

He asks her for sex but she doesn't give a direct response. "She's giving excuses why she doesn't wanna sleep with me. But women like a confident man who is persistent and says what he wants. So I'll just keep asking her until she gives me a direct answer." He keeps asking her, but she leaves without giving him a direct answer.

 

Later, he has sent several texts with her but she hasn't responded. He's thinking, "I don't understand why she hasn't responded. We had a great evening. I took her to dinner and a movie. She said I was witty and intelligent. She also liked the way I kissed. So what's wrong? Was she put off by me asking for sex? If that's the problem I can explain. But I can only do that if she answers her text to know if the date was a hit or not. Argggh! Being left in the dark like this is so frustrating!"

 

Finally, they set up a 4th date. She says she wants to wait for sex. He thinks, "So it looks like me asking for sex really put her off. It's the 21st century. I didn't think asking for sex was such a bad thing. She probably thought I was being pushy when I kept asking her. But I just wanted a direct answer. I would have respected her wishes either way, but I just wanted a direct yes or no. I thought I was being persistent."

 

He gets home and wonders if he should text her: "Maybe I should text her. No. Maybe not. Last time I texted her after the date, she rudely ignored me. She's a terrible communicator. Perhaps I should look for someone compatible with me."

 

The OP not wanting sex isn't the problem. Her communication skills (or lack of) is the problem: her indirect responses to his proposals for sex; rudely ignoring his texts; and not communicating her her feelings to him--instead, choosing to talk about her feelings to strangers on the internet.

 

Oh yeah, she's a catch.

Oh yes, I actually think I am according to the amount of men who want to date me or at least sleep with me. Why thank you very much.

As for rudeness... well read above post. At least I replied and fast, within a day. I think his total disappearance was more rude in the end.

[musemaj11]

Well I jumped to the end to see if the guy was a Lykis 101, three strikes you're out type of situation.

Tom Leykis is the best!

 

When it comes to women, I live by all his advices.

 

He made me understand that its war out there. Women want a guy with the most money she can get and trap him into giving her all his money for the rest of his life while men want sex from as many beautiful women as they can get for as little money as possible. So either you take advantage of them or they will take advantage of you.

[carhill]

If I'm at his place with that assumption about him, it's likely that I would like him to do something, so if he didn't, I would feel somewhat disappointed and/or confused.

 

Something physical? Like making out or having sex?

Thanks for the clarification. Your response matches up well with what I've experienced with women over the decades.

[dispatch3d]

starting to see how much I suck at dating. The guy was obviously trying to push something on the girl and force stuff in the relationship. This was not a good idea, and even though the girl wouldn't just come out and say she didn't approve, that doesn't mean she didn't approve. She set a boundary, he disrespected it a bunch, and he got ****canned because of it.