3rd date: he asked me back to his place already

[silvermercy]

Thanks for the responses (except the rude ones which did not help of course).

It's perfectly normal to be picky about who I want to sleep with. I don't want to sleep with a manwhore who is into casual sex, so I'm taking it slow. It's me who's gonna be hurt if i sleep with him and then he runs. For me (and many other women) 3rd date advance is extremely fast. I will tell him next time clearly. Anyway, we set up another date. Not sure what to make of this, but his first suggestion was a awesome bar close to his house. Apparently, only 2 streets down. Haven't replied yet with an alternative location.

Edited January 4, 2012 by silvermercy

[Eve]

Go with your gut.

 

Worst case scenario is that he is one of those tit for tat men described on here who expect sex for dinner. Best case, he really likes you and was pushing his luck. Be open with what you are thinking but keep your boundaries.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[lululucy]

Thanks for the responses (except the rude ones which did not help of course).

It's perfectly normal to be picky about who I want to sleep with. I don't want to sleep with a manwhore who is into casual sex, so I'm taking it slow. It's me who's gonna be hurt if i sleep with him and then he runs. For me (and many other women) 3rd date advance is extremely fast. I will tell him next time clearly. Anyway, we set up another date. Not sure what to make of this, but his first suggestion was a awesome bar close to his house. Apparently, only 2 streets down. Haven't replied yet with an alternative location.

 

Good!

Don't consider him a manwhore for being attracted to you and wanting some. I really think you're projecting onto him. He can't give you what you need without you voicing it so I'm glad you're planning on doing that.

[ascendotum]

If he's as charming and good looking as you say, then he probably just assumes that sex will happen between the first and third date because that's all he knows. Instead of hating him for it, try to understand.

 

How long were you expecting him to wait anyway? The fact that he's texting you after the fact shows that he doesnt want to just use you for sex. If I wanted to use a girl for sex and she panicked like you, I would just write you off.

 

Right and right. And you want to totally write him off for trying to get you back to his place on date 3. You want a good looking guy who's also a great catch, well don't be shocked that first date sex for such a guy is not going to be uncommon for him. I'm not criticizing you for knocking him back. Its only been a week and you certainly don't have to play to the sex by 3rd date axiom, but I do find it a little strange you are going to banish him for trying it on. Guys that have persisted past the first 'I'm not that easy' hurdle thrown up by the woman ('I don't have the proper clothes' in your case), in many cases get laid.

He's still wants to see you. Just let him know where you stand when it comes to sex and see if he's still happy to enjoy your company.

[jobaba]

Thanks for the responses (except the rude ones which did not help of course).

It's perfectly normal to be picky about who I want to sleep with. I don't want to sleep with a manwhore who is into casual sex, so I'm taking it slow. It's me who's gonna be hurt if i sleep with him and then he runs. For me (and many other women) 3rd date advance is extremely fast. I will tell him next time clearly. Anyway, we set up another date. Not sure what to make of this, but his first suggestion was a awesome bar close to his house. Apparently, only 2 streets down. Haven't replied yet with an alternative location.

 

Lol. He probably just wants you to walk him to his door so he can show you his little puppy.

 

You are totally free to choose when you want to sleep with him, but I agree with the others. If he is as good looking and suave as you say, and from what I remember from your posts, he probably REALLY is really good looking and suave, don't expect him to hang around for long.

 

I might not expect him to hang around for long even if you do give it up. So yes, you're probably right in not giving it up.

[robaday]

Ive been in his position before. But I persisted up to say 6 dates and she didnt show any sign of wanting to have sex with me. She invited me back to hers, we kissed, flirted etc, but nothing when it came to sex.

 

She didnt tell me the reason. Basically I ended up thinking she wasnt interested and I was wasting my time. You see, while there are guys who are only after sex, I know women who go out on dates with men they arent interested in sexually, but like the attention. In many ways they are playing guys just as guys are playing them. He may be wondering why he is putting in all this effort if you arent interested sexually

 

Getting knocked back from sex for six dates straight knocked my confidence and I finished it.

 

And anyway, to me sexual compatibility is HUGE deal, and would be a dealbreaker for a long term commited relationship. Its better to know these things early rather than later.

[nothappyjan]

Go Girl!

I don't sleep with a guy for at least a month and I have to spend a fair bit of time with them. To me sex is a MASSIVE deal. I have been internet dating for ages and If I slept with every man I went on a couple of dates with I would have slept with sooo many men that it would be up for a world record.

 

Plus I once had a pregnancy scare with a guy I'd only been with 2 months and that was bad enough imagine if something happened and you had to tell people you were knocked up from a guy you dated 3 times and then took off. Plus I would probably lose my job as I work in a conservative school. By the 3rd date I don't even know most mens last names or trust them about STD issues and things like that.

 

I have only had a man try something once and that was at his house on the 4th date. When it got late I just kissed him and said goodnight and never heard from him again which makes me so glad I didnt go through with it.(Plus I found out he was lying about his identity later on) No other guy has come close to trying something. I went on a 3rd date last night and we just had a nice dinner and walk on the beach.

[Emilia]

I'm not sexist in any shape or form but there are times when I'm glad I'm not a man. The effort that you guys have to put in just to get laid is really quite unbelievable. I honestly don't think I'd ever have the patience.

[bean1]

I went out on a date with a guy from online - first date, asked me back to his place, I said no. Second date, tried again, I said no. Third date, I said no... but come over to my place and let's cook dinner and well, you know what happened. Ended up marrying the guy

 

I guess my point is that many, if not most, healthy red-blooded males will try and have sex with a woman they are attracted to. Sometimes us girls get burned and forget that even the so-called "good guys" still have functioning penises with brains to match. Poor men must balance between "creep" and becoming "a friend".

 

I asked my husband about this years later, and he says most women from online dating would have sex on the first night so it isn't a man's fault they ask (because getting that first date is the hard part). If you say no the first couple of times and he keeps asking you out, then he's probably interested beyond that.

[silvermercy]

Update:

 

Well, it seems my gut feeling was right, despite being almost fooled by his charm. So, we met in another bar for our 4th date. By the end, I had told him clearly that I was very interested but I would still like to wait just a few more weeks to go any further. His response seemed neutral as if he wasn't bothered but the date ended up being shorter than other times, even though it was still good overall. Guess what? Not a single text since then compared to all other times. Wonder why!!

 

That's it for me then. If he'd care he'd wait. He was obviously after one thing. Obviously my man-picker antenna needs adjustment (if not full replacement). Anyone know of any good spares? Amazon? eBay? Maybe I should make a new thread about it.

[Cypress25]

Obviously my man-picker antenna needs adjustment (if not full replacement). Anyone know of any good spares?

 

Nah, you're fine. You figured him out before you did anything stupid with him, that's the important part. You've obviously got good instincts and common sense, just keep listening to your intuition like you've been doing, and you'll be fine. This just reaffirms your belief that it's smart to wait until you know the guy better before having sex with him. Too many women think they should have sex first and then get to know the guy later. It doesn't usually work out in their favor.

 

Ive been in his position before. But I persisted up to say 6 dates and she didnt show any sign of wanting to have sex with me. She invited me back to hers, we kissed, flirted etc, but nothing when it came to sex.

 

She didnt tell me the reason. Basically I ended up thinking she wasnt interested and I was wasting my time.

 

Did you ask her what the reason was? Or did you just assume she wasn't interested? Personally, I wouldn't have sex with a guy after just 6 dates, that's way too soon. But I definitely make it known that I like the guy and want to continue seeing him.

 

This girl gave you definite signs that she was interested. She invited you back to her place, she kissed you, etc. Women won't even kiss men they're not interested in, so if she's kissing you, she's into you. She's probably just the type who doesn't like to rush into sex. It's got nothing to do with you.

[carhill]

I'm not sexist in any shape or form but there are times when I'm glad I'm not a man. The effort that you guys have to put in just to get laid is really quite unbelievable. I honestly don't think I'd ever have the patience.

That's so refreshing!

 

I had to laugh earlier thinking that the most clear signal a man can send that he wants to have sex with a woman is by asking her out on a date. Why else would he even bother approaching and risking and asking and planning and xxx and xxx and xxx? Sex (and the attendant intimacy for some) is the short-term goal. Otherwise, he has a thousand other more efficiently pleasurable things he can do with his time and energy. Mutually agreeable timing is fine and healthy, but expect that *any* man who approaches you (general you, ladies) wants to have sex with you. It doesn't matter if his 'style' is first date or weeks from now, it's on his mind. Accept that and go with it.

 

Women won't even kiss men they're not interested in, so if she's kissing you, she's into you.

I've been mind-fµcked by plenty who have kissed me (and not in a sisterly way) and told me they loved me over the decades, but I'll bend to say that, generally, this is accurate.

 

Time reveals all truths. Well worn cliche but darned accurate.

 

By the end, I had told him clearly that I was very interested but I would still like to wait just a few more weeks to go any further. His response seemed neutral as if he wasn't bothered but the date ended up being shorter than other times, even though it was still good overall. Guess what? Not a single text since then compared to all other times. Wonder why!!

This is similar to responses I get from women who have options (that would be most of them) and don't like my boundaries. They summarily disappear. It's easier and perhaps more pleasurable to pluck up another potential than deal with the one in front of them. That makes sense. Dating is supposed to be fun and, if the people aren't experiencing a synergy in that regard, and other potentials await, it's onward.

 

IDK your backstory, but if you generally go for men who are universally attractive or highly sought after by women, you'll likely have a very small pool of such men who you will find to be compatible with you. That's normal. In a sense, you've vetted this one well. Didn't invest a lot of time and emotion, nor did you abrogate your boundaries at the altar of his attractiveness. Kudos to you

[stitch702]

I would have just told him straight up..."I"m not ready." A respectable guy would take that as a no and if he was really into you...he would wait

[FredRutherford]

Ive been in his position before. But I persisted up to say 6 dates and she didnt show any sign of wanting to have sex with me. She invited me back to hers, we kissed, flirted etc, but nothing when it came to sex.

 

She didnt tell me the reason.

I know you aren't posting like you demanded a reason, but she, in reality, doesn't have to tell a guy a reason.

It's her life. Her body.

If she's not feeling it, for any reason, whether that be religious, moral, or not wanting casual sex, it's up to her.

 

Basically I ended up thinking she wasnt interested and I was wasting my time.

 

You see, while there are guys who are only after sex, I know women who go out on dates with men they arent interested in sexually, but like the attention. In many ways they are playing guys just as guys are playing them. He may be wondering why he is putting in all this effort if you arent interested sexually

Yes, imagine there are women who only go out with guys just for attention or something to do. They don't go into the dating open to the possibility that the date could lead to a romantic relationship.

Been there, done that.

 

 

Getting knocked back from sex for six dates straight knocked my confidence and I finished it.

 

And anyway, to me sexual compatibility is HUGE deal, and would be a dealbreaker for a long term commited relationship. Its better to know these things early rather than later.

She wasn't worth it to you?

What if she learned a lesson from having casual sex too early in a past relationship, and wanted the next time to be more special, a relationship that could lead to marriage?

 

Could you have seen yourself with her then?

 

Seems like any kind of "waiting" wouldn't have been that big a problem, as I was willing to wait for that, the right kind of woman.

[FredRutherford]

Update:

 

Well, it seems my gut feeling was right, despite being almost fooled by his charm. So, we met in another bar for our 4th date. By the end, I had told him clearly that I was very interested but I would still like to wait just a few more weeks to go any further. His response seemed neutral as if he wasn't bothered but the date ended up being shorter than other times, even though it was still good overall. Guess what? Not a single text since then compared to all other times. Wonder why!!

Imagine how he might've treated you if you had sex with him.

 

You'd likely not heard a word from him either.

Have read posts of women being fooled by the "must have sex by third date" nonsense and end up with big regrets....

 

Read the heartbreak from this woman on another board.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=398294

 

 

Have been on both sides of this.

Had sex early once, too early, like first date.

Big mistake.

It turned me off toward her and I didn't think of her as a "relationship" potential...

Looking back, I could have enjoyed a good relationship with her, as she met some other preferences I sought in a woman, was a Christian, etc., but the sex clouded my judgement.

 

With my future wife --- about 3-4 years after that casual experience --- waited for about 3-4 months before I made some sexual moves on her.

What's that? 12 weekend dates?

Honestly, only wanted to unbutton her shirt and do some "exploring..."

 

She asked if we could wait until the next weekend or another future weekend, which was fine by mine.

Really, was in no rush.

 

Were in an LDR and saw some potential here and didn't want to blow it like I had in the past.

Edited February 7, 2012 by FredRutherford

[thatone]

I'm not sexist in any shape or form but there are times when I'm glad I'm not a man. The effort that you guys have to put in just to get laid is really quite unbelievable. I honestly don't think I'd ever have the patience.

 

you gotta kinda enjoy it, as a man.

 

it's the testing the waters, gradually escalating touching/kissing/fondling until "oops how did your bra and panties wind up the floor dear?"

 

which is why, imo, you see women describing having sex as something that "just happened" with some men. it didn't just happen, we all know that. the guys who know what they're doing are the "just happened" guys. the ones who can't do that wind up having these awkward conversations.

 

as many women as there are who have bad sex or complain about bad sex, i have to think there's a direct correlation here. correct me if i'm wrong but that makes too much sense not to be the case, to me.

 

it's fun, it's supposed to be fun. it's a big ego trip to find out what a woman wants without her telling you and provide it.

 

if you were able to try it and be successful at it, you'd be hooked

Edited February 7, 2012 by thatone

[Oxy Moronovich]

Put yourself in the guy's shoes:

 

He's thinking, "I really had a great time tonight. She really seems to like me. And she appreciates my kisses. Maybe she'd like to go further."

 

He asks her for sex but she doesn't give a direct response. "She's giving excuses why she doesn't wanna sleep with me. But women like a confident man who is persistent and says what he wants. So I'll just keep asking her until she gives me a direct answer." He keeps asking her, but she leaves without giving him a direct answer.

 

Later, he has sent several texts with her but she hasn't responded. He's thinking, "I don't understand why she hasn't responded. We had a great evening. I took her to dinner and a movie. She said I was witty and intelligent. She also liked the way I kissed. So what's wrong? Was she put off by me asking for sex? If that's the problem I can explain. But I can only do that if she answers her text to know if the date was a hit or not. Argggh! Being left in the dark like this is so frustrating!"

 

Finally, they set up a 4th date. She says she wants to wait for sex. He thinks, "So it looks like me asking for sex really put her off. It's the 21st century. I didn't think asking for sex was such a bad thing. She probably thought I was being pushy when I kept asking her. But I just wanted a direct answer. I would have respected her wishes either way, but I just wanted a direct yes or no. I thought I was being persistent."

 

He gets home and wonders if he should text her: "Maybe I should text her. No. Maybe not. Last time I texted her after the date, she rudely ignored me. She's a terrible communicator. Perhaps I should look for someone compatible with me."

 

The OP not wanting sex isn't the problem. Her communication skills (or lack of) is the problem: her indirect responses to his proposals for sex; rudely ignoring his texts; and not communicating her her feelings to him--instead, choosing to talk about her feelings to strangers on the internet.

 

Oh yeah, she's a catch.

[thatone]

Put yourself in the guy's shoes:

 

He's thinking, "I really had a great time tonight. She really seems to like me. And she appreciates my kisses. Maybe she'd like to go further."

 

He asks her for sex but she doesn't give a direct response. "She's giving excuses why she doesn't wanna sleep with me. But women like a confident man who is persistent and says what he wants. So I'll just keep asking her until she gives me a direct answer." He keeps asking her, but she leaves without giving him a direct answer.

 

Later, he has sent several texts with her but she hasn't responded. He's thinking, "I don't understand why she hasn't responded. We had a great evening. I took her to dinner and a movie. She said I was witty and intelligent. She also liked the way I kissed. So what's wrong? Was she put off by me asking for sex? If that's the problem I can explain. But I can only do that if she answers her text to know if the date was a hit or not. Argggh! Being left in the dark like this is so frustrating!"

 

Finally, they set up a 4th date. She says she wants to wait for sex. He thinks, "So it looks like me asking for sex really put her off. It's the 21st century. I didn't think asking for sex was such a bad thing. She probably thought I was being pushy when I kept asking her. But I just wanted a direct answer. I would have respected her wishes either way, but I just wanted a direct yes or no. I thought I was being persistent."

 

He gets home and wonders if he should text her: "Maybe I should text her. No. Maybe not. Last time I texted her after the date, she rudely ignored me. She's a terrible communicator. Perhaps I should look for someone compatible with me."

 

The OP not wanting sex isn't the problem. Her communication skills (or lack of) is the problem: her indirect responses to his proposals for sex; rudely ignoring his texts; and not communicating her her feelings to him--instead, choosing to talk about her feelings to strangers on the internet.

 

Oh yeah, she's a catch.

 

you could copy/paste that reply and it would be relevant in about 75% of the threads on this forum, lol. even feel free to replace she with he in a lot of them.

[kaylan]

Well it weird how girls always jump to conclusions about sex when it comes to dudes.

 

Firstly, if I ask a girl back to my place, its not always because I wanna get frisky. Sometimes I just wanna spend more time with her. Hell depending on the girl or situation, sex can happen, or talking can happen, or we will cuddle and watch a movie. If I like her I wont care about the outcome since its early on. (3rd date)

 

If she goes out of her way to reject my offer to chill at my place, I may assume shes not interested much so Ill wait for her to make the moves. If she doesnt take a little more intiative then Ill take the hint and fade out.

 

Thats how Id see things if I was this guy OP. Sure he was a little more forward then id be, but im thinking he felt you werent too into them, despite telling him otherwise. And that he wanted you to pursue after that. It is what it is though.

Edited February 8, 2012 by kaylan

[SJC2008]

The girl I'm dating threw out "I don't go by the 3rd date rule" on our first date in a playful manner. I joked around saying I think it's a myth lol,my way of telling her I'm ok with that. There are subtle/playful ways you can address something like that without having an awkward moment. I would be a little weary of how pushy he was.

[musemaj11]

The guy lost all his investment. Sucker.

Edited February 8, 2012 by musemaj11

[RecordProducer]

Just tell him outright you're not ready for sex.

 

Honestly, most men will try when they are attracted to a woman.

If his only intention had been sex, he would have tried on the first date, and he wouldn't have texted you after being turned down on the third date.

 

Just be honest that you're not ready to take that step. If sex is all he is looking for, he'll bail- if it's not, he'll recognize the boundary and ease off.

I agree with this. I don't think it's a big deal that he asked you to sleep over after the third day. Many people have slept before the third date, it doesn't necessarily mean casual sex. You can set your own pace, but no need to be turned off to the point where yo have to ditch him. But then again, this is your life, I can't tell you how to feel and what to do about it. You might be disappointed though to find out that most guys will exect for the sex to happen after a couple dates. For men, relationships start with sexual attraction and then they get emotionally attached. It's not a novelty for a man to fall in love with his friend with benefits.

[musemaj11]

A guy expecting sex on the first few dates is as much a reason to dump him as a woman expecting to be paid for on the first few dates.

 

Yes the guy might run after getting sex just like a woman might run after getting wined and dined. But as the women on LS love to easily tell me, "you just have to take the risk".

[PlumPrincess]

Well it weird how girls always jump to conclusions about sex when it comes to dudes.

 

Firstly, if I ask a girl back to my place, its not always because I wanna get frisky. Sometimes I just wanna spend more time with her. Hell depending on the girl or situation, sex can happen, or talking can happen, or we will cuddle and watch a movie. If I like her I wont care about the outcome since its early on. (3rd date)

 

If she goes out of her way to reject my offer to chill at my place, I may assume shes not interested much so Ill wait for her to make the moves. If she doesnt take a little more intiative then Ill take the hint and fade out.

 

Thats how Id see things if I was this guy OP. Sure he was a little more forward then id be, but im thinking he felt you werent too into them, despite telling him otherwise. And that he wanted you to pursue after that. It is what it is though.

I think you're an exception.

[Imajerk17]

I know you aren't posting like you demanded a reason, but she, in reality, doesn't have to tell a guy a reason.

It's her life. Her body.

If she's not feeling it, for any reason, whether that be religious, moral, or not wanting casual sex, it's up to her.

 

 

Yes, imagine there are women who only go out with guys just for attention or something to do. They don't go into the dating open to the possibility that the date could lead to a romantic relationship.

Been there, done that.

 

 

 

She wasn't worth it to you?

What if she learned a lesson from having casual sex too early in a past relationship, and wanted the next time to be more special, a relationship that could lead to marriage?

 

Could you have seen yourself with her then

 

Seems like any kind of "waiting" wouldn't have been that big a problem, as I was willing to wait for that, the right kind of woman.

 

This thread is a month old. You bumped it because, why?