BS Problems

[Angelina527]

Really. Not sure what country you live in, but in the US, it is not legal to respond to someone in an illegal manner just because they "deserve it".

 

Sending a few emails to one of the sources of one's pain is not illegal. Now, if it contains threatening material then fine. But otherwise, people who cause devastation to another need to suck it up and stop whining. And that is coming from a former OW!

[Brokenlady]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for the 3 d-days???? I'm sure she didn't have a gun to his head about restarting the affair. And all this baloney about the BS not trusting the OP?? The OP (as far as I know) didn't promise the BS the affair was over 3 times. And she is not in any position that the BS needs to trust her. The Bs needs to trust her H, no one else. If she can't trust her H, no woman will be safe to her. And if she's still so suspicious after all this time, methinks she needs to take it up with her H and ask herself why she stayed with him after 3 days. The BS made the choice to stay. No one made her, and if she's unhappy with that decision, she needs to see a therapist not harrass a fOW.

[LilyBart]

You know what I love the most about some of the advice being given?

 

You're not looking at this from the OW's position - which isn't very fair considering this is an OW/OM forum.

 

There is NO REASON why 18Y2L should have to put up with this kind of behavior from the W.

There is NO REASON why she should ignore the harassment or change her email or do anything else.

 

She has told the W in unequivocal terms - numerous times, she did not want any contact and the W continues to email and call. THAT, my friends, is called HARASSMENT. People, we’re not talking “about a few emails” here. There doesn't HAVE to be a "direct threat" in order to file for a RO. Just a paper trail you can back up your claim with.

 

Actually, 18L2L, you would have a better case if you DO respond back to all her emails with just one line, "Please do not contact me in any form". That's it - nothing more, nothing less. Every time the W ignores it, is another case against her and all the more reason for you to file for a RO.

 

18Y2L, if you are really serious about NC and really want to get on with your life, filing a RO is the quickest way to stop this and get the W out of your life. I just don't see the point in putting up with that kind of bs.

 

Some of y'all would be so quick to jump on the RO band wagon if this was some “poor BS” or “groveling WS making amends” who was concerned about continual unwanted contact from the OP. So why not here? There’s no difference in my book.

Edited December 7, 2011 by LilyBart

[truthbetold]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for the 3 d-days???? I'm sure she didn't have a gun to his head about restarting the affair. And all this baloney about the BS not trusting the OP?? The OP (as far as I know) didn't promise the BS the affair was over 3 times. And she is not in any position that the BS needs to trust her. The Bs needs to trust her H, no one else. If she can't trust her H, no woman will be safe to her. And if she's still so suspicious after all this time, methinks she needs to take it up with her H and ask herself why she stayed with him after 3 days. The BS made the choice to stay. No one made her, and if she's unhappy with that decision, she needs to see a therapist not harrass a fOW.

 

For one thing if the OP didn't want the potential harrassment, she shouldn't have kept re engaging. You can't play with fire and complain when you get burnt. The BS didn't invite this, OP walked into it. It's called consequences for actions. She should just ignore and be happy it's just emails.

[PhoenixRise]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for the 3 d-days???? I'm sure she didn't have a gun to his head about restarting the affair. And all this baloney about the BS not trusting the OP?? The OP (as far as I know) didn't promise the BS the affair was over 3 times. And she is not in any position that the BS needs to trust her. The Bs needs to trust her H, no one else. If she can't trust her H, no woman will be safe to her. And if she's still so suspicious after all this time, methinks she needs to take it up with her H and ask herself why she stayed with him after 3 days. The BS made the choice to stay. No one made her, and if she's unhappy with that decision, she needs to see a therapist not harrass a fOW.

 

 

I don't think anyone is blaming 18years for the 3 ddays. It seems to me that people are posting about the 3 ddays because in the OP 18years stated that she doesn't understand why the BW continues to contact her because she (18years) has told the wife over and over again that she has no intention of having anything to do with MM ever again. The three ddays is the reason the wife doesn't believe her. Nobody blamed 18years for the 3 ddays in the way you are stating.

 

I actually agree with you that it is counterproductive for the wife to continue to contact 18years (what was it...with an email once every 3 weeks or so, starting 6 months ago?) just to have mean words appear on 18years' computer screen. If the wife was posting, I would be advising her to stop and focus on her own healing.

 

Fortunately for 18years this is a problem that can easily be solved with a few clicks of a mouse.

[Angelina527]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for the 3 d-days???? I'm sure she didn't have a gun to his head about restarting the affair. And all this baloney about the BS not trusting the OP?? The OP (as far as I know) didn't promise the BS the affair was over 3 times. And she is not in any position that the BS needs to trust her. The Bs needs to trust her H, no one else. If she can't trust her H, no woman will be safe to her. And if she's still so suspicious after all this time, methinks she needs to take it up with her H and ask herself why she stayed with him after 3 days. The BS made the choice to stay. No one made her, and if she's unhappy with that decision, she needs to see a therapist not harrass a fOW.

 

She was a part of it so she deserves some of the blame.

 

When one engages in destructive behavior, one must accept their part in it and not hide behind this nonsense. I don't care who made what promises, the OP KNOWINGLY engaged in a behavior that caused suffering to another human being.

[frozensprouts]

18yrstoolate,

take it from someone who was harassed and had to get legal assistance to get it to stop...be very careful about going to the police...use that as an option of last resort

 

I know this sounds like odd advice, but it was actually given to me by a friend who is an MP ( they are much more strict about this kind of thing than civi police are). She told me that while a few emails may seem pretty harassing to me, in the eyes of the law, if there are no threats of harm, and are really just nasty letters, they will simply give you the same advice you have been given here...delete them and move on in you life. In fact, getting the police involved when it's just at the level of a few emails can sometimes cause things to escalate, which is certainly not something you need. The same is true for contacting her or her husband...that will just provide a reaction and keep you in a situation you no longer want to be in.

 

Now if harassing phone calls, emails with threats, personal encounters, "stalking" you are members of your family starts, then that's a different situation all together. The police need to get involved both for your protection and hers.

 

hope she tires of this soon and moves on and stops contacting you.

[frozensprouts]

You know what I love the most about some of the advice being given?

 

You're not looking at this from the OW's position - which isn't very fair considering this is an OW/OM forum.

 

There is NO REASON why 18Y2L should have to put up with this kind of behavior from the W.

There is NO REASON why she should ignore the harassment or change her email or do anything else.

 

She has told the W in unequivocal terms - numerous times, she did not want any contact and the W continues to email and call. THAT, my friends, is called HARASSMENT. People, we’re not talking “about a few emails” here. There doesn't HAVE to be a "direct threat" in order to file for a RO. Just a paper trail you can back up your claim with.

 

Actually, 18L2L, you would have a better case if you DO respond back to all her emails with just one line, "Please do not contact me in any form". That's it - nothing more, nothing less. Every time the W ignores it, is another case against her and all the more reason for you to file for a RO.

 

18Y2L, if you are really serious about NC and really want to get on with your life, filing a RO is the quickest way to stop this and get the W out of your life. I just don't see the point in putting up with that kind of bs.

 

Some of y'all would be so quick to jump on the RO band wagon if this was some “poor BS” or “groveling WS making amends” who was concerned about continual unwanted contact from the OP. So why not here? There’s no difference in my book.

 

my dear, you have no idea what real harassment is. Wile I agree that her ex married man's wife is making a poor choice by emailing her (hmmmm....once every three weeks for six months would be maybe eight emails) the OP would be better served by having the emails forwarded to another "dummy" account ( that works great...set an email rule that all emails from a particular address go to the dummy account where they will remain kept but unread) or have them forwarded right to the trash.

 

Problem solved.

[PhoenixRise]

You know what I love the most about some of the advice being given?

 

You're not looking at this from the OW's position - which isn't very fair considering this is an OW/OM forum.

 

There is NO REASON why 18Y2L should have to put up with this kind of behavior from the W.

There is NO REASON why she should ignore the harassment or change her email or do anything else.

 

She has told the W in unequivocal terms - numerous times, she did not want any contact and the W continues to email and call. THAT, my friends, is called HARASSMENT. People, we’re not talking “about a few emails” here. There doesn't HAVE to be a "direct threat" in order to file for a RO. Just a paper trail you can back up your claim with.

 

Actually, 18L2L, you would have a better case if you DO respond back to all her emails with just one line, "Please do not contact me in any form". That's it - nothing more, nothing less. Every time the W ignores it, is another case against her and all the more reason for you to file for a RO.

 

18Y2L, if you are really serious about NC and really want to get on with your life, filing a RO is the quickest way to stop this and get the W out of your life. I just don't see the point in putting up with that kind of bs.

 

Some of y'all would be so quick to jump on the RO band wagon if this was some “poor BS” or “groveling WS making amends” who was concerned about continual unwanted contact from the OP. So why not here? There’s no difference in my book.

 

 

Actually you are right that I am not looking at this from an OW position. I am looking at it from the position of a woman who is in control of her own life and who deletes unwanted emails from her inbox on a daily basis.

 

If the OP wants to up the drama and if she is more invested in besting the wife she can escalate the situation over the 6-7 emails she has gotten over a 6 month period from the wife.

 

OR

 

If she is really done and wants to be left alone she can reclaim the head space she has been giving these emails and with a few clicks of the mouse either block, delete or filter them out altogether.

 

This isn't that hard.

 

 

And yes, if this was a BS posting about unwanted email contact from an OW my first advise would be to delete, block, or filter the emails or even change the email address.

 

It really isn't that hard.

[MissBee]

In other cultures, the crime of adultery is punishable by death. Here, the OP is only getting bombarded by emails that she could choose not to read and delete.

I think the OP should just delete the messages and stop trying to report the W to her H (as if he could control her actions any more than she could have stopped his affair).

 

Someone has to start acting like the grown up. Since the OP asked for help, she should be the grown up. Grown ups know they can ignore some things. Email is one of them.

 

I agree...

 

Unless someone is literally threatening my life in an email or in person...why would I call the police because the wife of my former affair partner sends me angry emails??? It doesn't make sense as the grown up thing to do IMO. I'd simply ignore her emails - block, spam, junk mail etc and carry on with life. Police personnel have more important things to deal with often, than matters like this. If it escalates as I said...then yes....you can get them involved but if it's simply cattiness because of an affair situation and her being annoying...it is to be expected and you deal with that fall out by ignoring it. Again...email is one of the easiest mediums to control. It's not like she is showing up at your house or job or things like that where you're going to have to move houses or it truly affects your life. An email only goes so far...

 

All kinds of people email me all the time whom I don't want to speak to. I have gone out with men whom I don't like and they even call or text me often...I ignore and delete the messages. I may ask them to stop once...but if they do it 50 times...I ignore 50 times and usually they get the picture. I get that any attention is good attention so the quickest way to stop it is to ignore it from jump. With emails...even more so than screening calls or texts...it's significantly easier to be a gatekeeper (in fact, your email server acts as your personal gatekeeper that doesn't allow people who you don't want to contact you to contact you). I think it is blowing it out of proportion to call the police....18years2late...if you try this FIRST for at least 3 months and it doesn't work, then up your strategy but I think this may the easiest start that solves the problem in one go.

Edited December 7, 2011 by MissBee

[Emme]

Why is everyone blaming the OP for the 3 d-days???? I'm sure she didn't have a gun to his head about restarting the affair. And all this baloney about the BS not trusting the OP??

 

I'm not blaming anyone. I want the OP to take responsibility. I find a lot of OW on here don't own and take responsibility for their part. It's like they can make a mess and walk away. That's not the real world. For every action there is a reaction. Be prepared to pay the price.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm not blaming anyone. I want the OP to take responsibility. I find a lot of OW on here don't own and take responsibility for their part. It's like they can make a mess and walk away. That's not the real world. For every action there is a reaction. Be prepared to pay the price.

 

Great post!

 

And since the OP says she ONLY gets these messages on average ONCE A MONTH, I can't understand what's so hard about simply deleting them. Reporting the message to the H is NOT NC and is only fueling the foolishness.

 

Honestly, I think the OP was expecting posters here to pile on about the W being immature and dumb like they would at some other sites, instead of telling her practical advice about how to handle it.

 

The W isn't helping herself, but that's really not the OP's problem. The OP's problem is what is she going to do about these emails.

 

Now, either the W has the H by the balls in having all his emails forwarded so that communications only go to her, or the OP has been thrown under the bus and doesn't yet realize it (hence reporting how "bad" the W is being in her messages to her former MM). Either way, they would both do well to stop feeding into this needless drama.

[18Years2Late]

Wow...thanks to everyone for the helpful replies...I've been reading them today...I'd like to reply personally to everyone but I was swamped at work...

 

Let me start by saying I do and have always owned my part in this...I've apologized to the BS on NUMEROUS occasions...

 

I HIGHLY doubt xMM is in another A...what is much more likely is that he's lying to her for sympathy and additional drama and saying that I'm still contacting him...but if that were the case, I know he would show her the contact...and say "see honey look at me I didn't respond"...and she'd flat out tell me...I think BS has really poor coping skills...rightfully so given what she's been thru...and xMM may not be totally remorseful...or maybe she's sorry she stayed...maybe anything...doesn't really matter...y'all are right...

 

I would NEVER call xMM...holy cow...that would sure stir a hornets nest...the only reason honestly I was forwarding her emails is bc I knew (thought) he was really trying to R and I knew that her acting this way behind his back was not helping the cause...bc I cared...and I wanted his life to b easier...why?...idk...just stupidity I guess...

 

So today...I wrote her this one last letter...I hope I did the right thing...I'm trying to be a better person so comments welcome...even the harsh ones...I took out the identifying info with BS, MM, and **...keep in mind in was addressing things she brought up for the umpteenth time in her last email...I'll post the letter separately...I'm afraid it's too long and might crash this post...

 

Again...thanks for listening and posting...

[18Years2Late]

BS,

 

Today is the last time you will hear from me or be able to contact me.

I’m deleting this email account after I write and send this to you,

because I’m going to try to stop the madness. *Something I should have

done a really long time ago, but I use this account for other things

and it would have/will be a PIA to change it. *But, unfortunately, it’s

time, PIA or not. *Read this letter if you want to. *If not, hit the

delete button and throw it away. *I’ll never know the difference, but

I’ll know I tried.

 

I have no idea what you want me to stop or what I’m “keeping up” and

why you absolutely refuse to leave me alone. *I’ve been in total no

contact with MM for 4 - 6 months now EXCEPT for forwarding him

your emails to me so that he would be aware of what you’re doing and

so that maybe he could “help” me get you to stop. *I knew that you contacting me wasn't helping matters.*It didn’t work. *I

guess he doesn’t care. *On second thought, I’m positive he doesn’t

care.

 

You are absolutely correct. *He lied to both of us. *We are both

terribly hurt. *I don’t discount your pain. *Please don’t discount

mine. *But you're wrong on one point. *I love(d) MM with MORE

than my entire being. *If I didn’t, I would have NEVER embarked on the*journey of HUGE risk to our families that we took. *We hurt A LOT of*people, including ourselves. *The consequences to everyone we hurt*will be major and life-long.

 

I knew EXACTLY what the risks were for both of us and I willingly

jumped in with both feet, with full intentions of following thru on

everything I told him and every promise I made to him. *No one "made*me" do it. *I wasn’t having a "mid-life crisis". *I wanted to. *The

end (that I thought was there) justified the means. *Regardless of

what he tells you, I didn’t “force” him to do anything. *He also made

willing decisions. *Bad decisions? Yes. *But decisions made certainly

without a gun to his head, held in my hand. *I’m really not all that

powerful from 1800 miles away. *I’m really not that powerful at all.

There are millions of women between ** and ** willing to have

meaningless sex, with any man, at any time, for any reason. *I’m not

one of them. *But yet he came to me and used me like a cheap whore

anyway??? *And I let him…twice…and yes that hurts.

 

MM told me a year and a half of lies in order to blindly lead me

to a place HE never had any intentions of going. *I made life-changing*decisions as a result of his deceptions. *I destroyed my marriage beyond hope. *My best*friend almost won't even talk to me anymore since I lied to her about being in re-contact with MM for so long. * I had no reason to believe that*what MM was telling me was not the truth. *If I had, we would not*be having this e-mail exchange right now or any of the ones we’ve had

previously. *You would have never even heard my name or seen my face,*and vice versa.

 

MM came back to me 3 or 4 times after your discoveries,

professing his undying love for me, telling me how he couldn’t live

without me, and that he promised we would be together very soon. *Each

time he came back, needless to say I was VERY skeptical of his “real”

intentions, but he ensured me over and over again that each time would

be so much different. *Guess what??? *It wasn’t. *In fact, it got

worse and worse each time, until I said ‘enough is enough’. *My mental

state and my emotions were in a downward spiral to nowhere, almost to*the point of where I could barely stop crying and function in my daily

“real” life, and there was nothing I could do about it except walk

away from someone I loved more than anything and always have. *I had*to stop the madness. *It crushed me.

 

MM *continuously said what he needed/wanted me to hear to keep me*around for the table scraps he was offering to me. *I was in such a

low shallow place, I willingly and repeatedly settled for crumbs,

rather than risk getting nothing at all from him. *Something

(anything) no matter how small and insignificant was better than nothing at all. That’s a*horrible feeling to have. *I completely lost my dignity and*self-respect. *I’m struggling now to get it back. *It's hard.

 

MM *lied about things he told his MOTHER. *He lied to your

CHILDREN. *He lied about your CHILDREN. *He lied to YOU. *He lied about*YOU. *He lied about the state of your MARRIAGE. *He lie to ME, and*worst of all, when the day came for him to admit his own wrong-doing,*he lied ABOUT ME to save HIS OWN SORRY ASS. *That's what hurts the most. *I*was a useful tool and disposable trash all at the same time, to*someone who I thought loved me. *I’m really not sure if anything he*ever said was true or if he even knows what his truth is.

 

Did he WILLFULLY and PURPOSELY take an AMAZING risk of losing his

family, his kids, his house, his money, his job, everything in his

life as he knows it today, everything he loves, everything he worked

very hard for, to have a “meaningless affair” with someone that he*apparently had no intentions of ever being with fully??? *Yes he did.*For what??? *I mean really, what kind of man does that???

 

The last time he “came back” he told me to call you to verify that

what he was telling me was true. *He gave me permission to call you.*I didn’t do it. *Why? *Because I was scared of finding out the truth,

and deep down I really knew the truth, but was too afraid to face that*I had been used. *Because I loved him so much, I believed everything*he told me, and here we are.

 

Am I angry??? *You’re dam right I am. *That’s the understatement of

the year, and I have EVERY right to be, as do you too. *I am a FOREVER*changed woman. *I will NEVER be the same. *This has affected me like*nothing else ever has or ever will. *I’m sure you feel the same and*I’m very sorry for my part in that. *There’s still many days that I*struggle just to make it from day to day, although it’s not a*crippling as it was months ago. *I frequently obsess with “why did he do this*to me”? *I’ll never ever get that answer. *Maybe you will. *What I’m*working on now is “why did I allow it to happen to me?” *Hopefully*I’ll figure that out one day. *Maybe not.

 

I’ll probably die an old, bitter, lonely woman, because I’m not sure

that I’ll ever be able to trust a man again. **Yes, I’m ANGRY (mostly at

myself). *I’m SAD. *I’m LOST. *I’m CONFUSED. *I HATE. *I’m BITTER.*I’m TIRED. *I’m HOPELESS. *I’m DESTROYED. *Aren’t these are all the

same/similar feelings and emotions and trials that you are having??? I understand. *Recognize them and address them within yourself, instead of turning to

hurt me for your temporary fix.

 

The life that I knew prior to 12/24/2009 is gone and will NEVER be the*same again. *Neither will yours. *We can only move forward to a “new”*and better life with the people we choose to have in our lives. *But*as long as You and I continue to degrade and torture each other with*these petty, childish, back and forth jabs at each other every few*weeks, neither one of us will ever move past this terrible place of*hurt. *I don’t know about you, but I’m more than ready to move past

this (either that or I drive my car off a cliff). Regardless*the pain and hurt has to stop. *For me, it*just has to and soon.

 

I have never lied to you. *You have always gotten the 100% truth, exactly as*it was told to me, every time you asked. *I certainly could have lied*to you and taken my “secret” to my grave. *[Wow, that certainly would*have been a beautiful gift to MM *he didn’t deserve right???] *But*I didn’t. *I never set out or wanted to be intentionally “hateful” to*you. *Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten the same respect from you. *I*totally understand the pain you are in, as I understand you also love*MM with all your being, he wronged you as well, and you are trying to save your family.

 

I never, ever wanted to disclose to you any of his*correspondence/pictures to me. However, had you asked for it, I would*have sent it to you, every page. *I have nothing to hide, and you have*every right to know if you choose to know, but I wouldn’t have ever*given it to you simply to purposely and intentionally hurt you (or MM).**On the rare occasion (in the last 4-6 months) where I have sent something to you, it was only an attempt to make you stop

contacting me. *I thought that if I hurt you enough, maybe you

wouldn’t want to come around looking for more of the same. *Talking to*you hurt ME and I just wanted you to stop. *Asking you nicely didn’t*work. *Telling you that you were hurting me didn’t work. *Empathizing with you didn't work. So I tried*hurting you more. *Once again, I was wrong. *Nothing I did worked.*I’m sorry.

 

There you have it. *I hope this final letter from me gives you what

you’re looking for. *I hope it brings a smile (if only temporary) to

your face to know that I’m not skipping around over here in **,

happy as a lark, whistling proudly, and bragging to everyone I know

about how I’ve come out of this situation completely unscathed and

unharmed. *MUCH, MUCH, MUCH the opposite of that is going on over here*in the promise land, although I’ve tried (and failed) to pretend to

you that it’s not. *I'm not running around having sex with every

single and/or married man in **. *I'm certainly in no condition for any sort of healthy functional*relationship at this point and I'm not exactly sure if I ever will be. I’m sure that brings you some sort of sick pleasure, and that’s ok.*You’re entitled to feel whatever you want to feel about me. This*home-wrecking whore certainly deserves it.

 

Goodbye BS. *I honestly wish nothing but peace and happiness and*love in the new year for you and MM and your family. *I sincerely

hope you feel better soon. *I’m sorry.

 

fOW

[MissBee]

Wow...thanks to everyone for the helpful replies...I've been reading them today...I'd like to reply personally to everyone but I was swamped at work...

 

Let me start by saying I do and have always owned my part in this...I've apologized to the BS on NUMEROUS occasions...

 

I HIGHLY doubt xMM is in another A...what is much more likely is that he's lying to her for sympathy and additional drama and saying that I'm still contacting him...but if that were the case, I know he would show her the contact...and say "see honey look at me I didn't respond"...and she'd flat out tell me...I think BS has really poor coping skills...rightfully so given what she's been thru...and xMM may not be totally remorseful...or maybe she's sorry she stayed...maybe anything...doesn't really matter...y'all are right...

 

I would NEVER call xMM...holy cow...that would sure stir a hornets nest...the only reason honestly I was forwarding her emails is bc I knew (thought) he was really trying to R and I knew that her acting this way behind his back was not helping the cause...bc I cared...and I wanted his life to b easier...why?...idk...just stupidity I guess...

 

So today...I wrote her this one last letter...I hope I did the right thing...I'm trying to be a better person so comments welcome...even the harsh ones...I took out the identifying info with BS, MM, and **...keep in mind in was addressing things she brought up for the umpteenth time in her last email...I'll post the letter separately...I'm afraid it's too long and might crash this post...

 

Again...thanks for listening and posting...

 

 

With regards to ignoring her...you didn't seem to address that and why that would be impossible to send her messages to spam

 

You instead have decided to write her a letter so long that it will crash this post....

 

Why? You've responded to her before and it didn't make a difference, so why would your extra long letter matter?

 

Do you think it is possible that you too get something from the exchange...which is why you don't take the block, delete, spam route but instead insist on responding, forwarding mails and now writing long letters? You have owned your part but are you owning the possibility that you too play a part in the back and forth by not ignoring?

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh...I'm genuinely asking as it seems very curious to me.

Edited December 7, 2011 by MissBee

[NoIDidn't]

With regards to ignoring her...you didn't seem to address that and why that would be impossible to send her messages to spam

 

You instead have decided to write her a letter so long that it will crash this post....

 

Why? You've responded to her before and it didn't make a difference, so why would your extra long letter matter?

 

Do you think it is possible that you too get something from the exchange...which is why you don't take the block, delete, spam route but instead insist on responding, forwarding mails and now writing long letters? You have owned your part but are you owning the possibility that you too play a part in the back and forth by not ignoring?

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh...I'm genuinely asking as it seems very curious to me.

 

I agree.

 

OP, I understand the feelings behind the letter, but your attempt to throw her attention back to her H instead of you is likely to anger her more. She knows he lied, but she really didn't need to read about how much you loved her H or how he pledged his undying love to you. It might be your reality, but if you want her to stop sending you the messages, its better to tell her that you are sending her messages to the trash can so you can both get on with your lives the best way you both can.

 

I think it would have just been better to tell her that you were sorry she was hurting and that you would stop reading her emails from here on out as its not helping her or you.

 

Also, I'm sorry I assumed you were looking for people to bad-mouth his W.

[MissBee]

18years2Late....

 

I saw your letter.....

 

Welll you should send it and really leave it at that. You've done your part and whatever happens after this is on her. Hopefully you can close the door on her and him for good after this. If she wants to continue to email you then that is up to her....but at this point you really should block, delete, ignore, put to spam her messages and continue on with your life. Goodluck!

Edited December 7, 2011 by MissBee

[18Years2Late]

With regards to ignoring her...you didn't seem to address that and why that would be impossible to send her messages to spam

 

You instead have decided to write her a letter so long that it will crash this post....

 

Why? You've responded to her before and it didn't make a difference, so why would your extra long letter matter?

 

Do you think it is possible that you too get something from the exchange...which is why you don't take the block, delete, spam route but instead insist on responding, forwarding mails and now writing long letters? You have owned your part but are you owning the possibility that you too play a part in the back and forth by not ignoring?

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh...I'm genuinely asking as it seems very curious to me.

 

Did u miss the part in the previous post where I said I deleted my email account? It's done, gone, over. She can't contact me. No sending emails to trash. It's gone. The whole account. And no I don't get some sort of sick pleasure out of exchanging words with her. I've NEVER EVER contacted her first...EVER. I want her to go away. She just did. Maybe my letter was long but I got it all off my chest, and I did feel a weight lifted off my shoulders as I sent it and deleted the account. Now I get to wait until she finds my work email address...oh joy.

[MissBee]

I agree.

 

OP, I understand the feelings behind the letter, but your attempt to throw her attention back to her H instead of you is likely to anger her more. She knows he lied, but she really didn't need to read about how much you loved her H or how he pledged his undying love to you. It might be your reality, but if you want her to stop sending you the messages, its better to tell her that you are sending her messages to the trash can so you can both get on with your lives the best way you both can.

I think it would have just been better to tell her that you were sorry she was hurting and that you would stop reading her emails from here on out as its not helping her or you.

 

Also, I'm sorry I assumed you were looking for people to bad-mouth his W.

 

I agree...rehashing how her husband lied to her, professed his undying love to you, hurt his children etc. will only make her more upset most likely.

 

She's not your friend. I do feel for you and feel like you want her to see that you're hurting too...some women can and do understand this and their are some BSs who will empathize but the fact that she is harassing you shows that she is probably not one of them. She is caught up in her own hurt and you pouring your soul out may be met with more fury, she may think you are audacious and also trying to hurt her more by reminding her of all that happened in detail.

 

I think you should sleep on this letter. It would be more classy on your part to be SHORT and to the point. Apologize, add the part that both of you being petty won't solve it, say what you've learned if you have to and that you won't be responding anymore. That I agree is better than having an elaborate letter rehashing what her husband did and pouring your soul out to a woman who doesn't care about you.

[18Years2Late]

I agree.

 

OP, I understand the feelings behind the letter, but your attempt to throw her attention back to her H instead of you is likely to anger her more. She knows he lied, but she really didn't need to read about how much you loved her H or how he pledged his undying love to you. It might be your reality, but if you want her to stop sending you the messages, its better to tell her that you are sending her messages to the trash can so you can both get on with your lives the best way you both can.

 

I think it would have just been better to tell her that you were sorry she was hurting and that you would stop reading her emails from here on out as its not helping her or you.

 

Also, I'm sorry I assumed you were looking for people to bad-mouth his W.

 

No problem...I wasn't looking for anybody to bad mouth anyone...not my intent...I own my part of this mess...and we're all here looking for support and the occasional 2x4 to the head doesn't hurt (usually)...

[MissBee]

Did u miss the part in the previous post where I said I deleted my email account? It's done, gone, over. She can't contact me. No sending emails to trash. It's gone. The whole account. And no I don't get some sort of sick pleasure out of exchanging words with her. I've NEVER EVER contacted her first...EVER. I want her to go away. She just did. Maybe my letter was long but I got it all off my chest, and I did feel a weight lifted off my shoulders as I sent it and deleted the account. Now I get to wait until she finds my work email address...oh joy.

 

I replied to that before I saw your long letter post. And my post before this one about sleeping on your letter was also before reading this post that said you already sent it.

[18Years2Late]

I agree.

 

OP, I understand the feelings behind the letter, but your attempt to throw her attention back to her H instead of you is likely to anger her more. She knows he lied, but she really didn't need to read about how much you loved her H or how he pledged his undying love to you. It might be your reality, but if you want her to stop sending you the messages, its better to tell her that you are sending her messages to the trash can so you can both get on with your lives the best way you both can.

 

I think it would have just been better to tell her that you were sorry she was hurting and that you would stop reading her emails from here on out as its not helping her or you.

 

Also, I'm sorry I assumed you were looking for people to bad-mouth his W.

 

Also I wasn't throwing his profession of love up in her face...those were all things she has said or knows...that's why I prefaced the letter with "keep in mind I'm addressing things she wrote to me"...that's all...I can't really post what she wrote here since it's an open forum...on the chance that she cones here...I have every right to post what I wrote...but I think if I used her words that might get neon a little trouble...so you'll just have to trust me that I'm throwing nothing in her face...

[18Years2Late]

I replied to that before I saw your long letter post. And my post before this one about sleeping on your letter was also before reading this post that said you already sent it.

 

Yeah...I already sent it...it's done...no going back now...so much for class right?...Oh well...If she gets more upset she'll be screaming at a wall now...or xMM...same difference...I'm no longer her sounding board...and I feel good...so far...

[NoIDidn't]

Also I wasn't throwing his profession of love up in her face...those were all things she has said or knows...that's why I prefaced the letter with "keep in mind I'm addressing things she wrote to me"...that's all...I can't really post what she wrote here since it's an open forum...on the chance that she cones here...I have every right to post what I wrote...but I think if I used her words that might get neon a little trouble...so you'll just have to trust me that I'm throwing nothing in her face...

 

I understand what you are saying, but I believe that regardless of your intentions, that is the way she is going to take it. It is a realization that hurts her more. And hurting her more is only likely to trigger more harassment.

 

But since you you deleted that email account, she won't be able harass you via email.

[18Years2Late]

18years2late- finally you started your own thread!

 

Sounds like BS is trying to put the fear of God in you. She doesn't trust you'll stay away from her H.

 

She needs to let go. Maybe stop responding to her. I know the urge is there to but once you stop indulging her maybe she'll go away. It almost sounds like she trusts you more than her H in a sick kind of way. Also, what is exMM telling his BS about you? Maybe he's lying to her about you contacting him (like what happened to me).

 

How does she know where you work?

 

Keep all communication from both of them. It sounds to me like she' harrassing you. Have you contacted a lawyer about filing an RO? Start by requesting firmly that she (and he?) stop contacting you, cc exMM.

 

Sounds like she'sobsessed with you!

 

P.S. I don't agree with blocking her emails because although she doesn't know this you are still married. And you need to know what she's thinking/trying to take any pre-emptive strikes against her.

 

Hi W&P...yep I started my own thread...finally brave enough to accept the beat down...just kidding...don't know why I never did...just not comfortable until now I guess...

 

I don't know that she knows where I work...but anything's possible with google and linkedin right?...I started a linkedin acct a while back but it just has my name a where I work...nothing else and I kind of lost interest in doing more... I had just started a new job about a month after our 1st dday...so it's really not "new" anymore...been there over a year...but she specifically said "I'm sure you'd like your NEW employer to see your emails to me"...just weird how she said it like that?...I told her if she did it I would file an RO...hadn't heard I peep from her since...and deleted that email acct....no more peeps at all...

 

Yes she's obsessed with me...but she'll b forced to turn that obsession elsewhere now...like fixing her M???...if she goes off the deep end...xMM can call me...I think he would...as much bad stuff as I've created for him...as many ugly mean things as I've written to him...I've still never heard one mean ugly thing directed at me from his mouth...I mean yes he wiped I mean saved his own a$$ with me...but never personally attacked me or said anything ugly to me...I sometimes wish he would...i think it would make this easier...but I think (hope) he'd still protect/warn me...we'll see...