YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I really cant say for female dumpers because sometimes we as women hold on until we just cant stand it anymore and then when we let it go...we are done. As you know, women are not all the same. When I decided to leave my husband, I was so done. The thought of being with him again made me sick to my stomach. I had tried all I could and when he kept crushing my feelings. I completely shut down on him from there. It didnt help that after he saw that I was serious he was chasing like a crazy man and I wasnt attracted to him because he stop taking care of himself. Believe it or not, what you do after someone breaks up with you can make that person want you back or not. Not all the time, but it is something to consider cause if my husband would have handled the break up differently, I might have wanted to date him to see if we could reconcil. At the end of the day....DONT CHASE IS THE LESSON. It just dont help! O well I tried to get her back for a few months, I guess I am ***** out of luck for any chance down the road ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 As a dumper, I am respectful of others needs although I haven't had to exercise that so much as I don't like people in general so much lol...I am single much of the time As a dumpee, I am laughing a lot at the moment as my ex thinks he is in control..when it is blatantly obvious he isn't. He is using NC as a tool to get me to behave in a way he feels comfortable with...unaware of all the changes I have had to make because of my disability...and as I am now closer to a confirmed diagnosis...I feel nbetter than ever..what his needs are or not are seconday. But check this...he is doing everyhting in his power to get my attention again as I believe he wants us back together for the holidays...NOW he has gone even further by approaching one of my male friends who I know he hates (made innappropriate advances once) and starting to get friendlier towards him. Why? I hear you holler...siply because he KNOWS that friend will report back to me and somehow..somewhere it will prick my conscience to think about him...how he's doing..perhaps even panic me that he is happy with his life without me in it...y-eah..what-everrrrrr! Yawn! lol Much love Zabs xx:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Anna_broken Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 As a dumper I got back once. I didn't reach out, the dumpee did, 3 months after break up. When I dumped him, I had thought of it very well, so I was really determined. I felt guilty and sad the first weeks, then it was over. We wouldn't have come back together, if he hadn't contacted me 2-3 months later. And if more time had passed, there wouldn't have been a second chance. For the record, we tried again but the initial reasons for bu came up again. As a dumpee, I never wanted an ex back, only my current ex. So I never bothered what to do. I had to accept it and move on no matter how difficult it was. I had a dumper that 4 months after break up he wanted to reconcile. He started some contact on the 3rd month, I sent once a couple of texts, then I ignored him again, till he came and asks me to try again. I am in NC with my ex, 6 weeks after BU, we were 4 years together without problems, one day he realized he is not the relationship person and he disappeared! I wish I knew what he is thinking, if he still remembers my name... Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 As a dumper I got back once. I didn't reach out, the dumpee did, 3 months after break up. When I dumped him, I had thought of it very well, so I was really determined. I felt guilty and sad the first weeks, then it was over. We wouldn't have come back together, if he hadn't contacted me 2-3 months later. And if more time had passed, there wouldn't have been a second chance. For the record, we tried again but the initial reasons for bu came up again. As a dumpee, I never wanted an ex back, only my current ex. So I never bothered what to do. I had to accept it and move on no matter how difficult it was. I had a dumper that 4 months after break up he wanted to reconcile. He started some contact on the 3rd month, I sent once a couple of texts, then I ignored him again, till he came and asks me to try again. I am in NC with my ex, 6 weeks after BU, we were 4 years together without problems, one day he realized he is not the relationship person and he disappeared! I wish I knew what he is thinking, if he still remembers my name... Wow, that has got to be hard. You just never really know a person. I wish you the best!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 I speculate that women that are dumpers really don't feel much. Because by the time they dump you, they've already checked out of the relationship months earlier. They may feel sad that the relationship ended but not for the end of the relationship (if that makes any sense). Tyler Perry explained it best that if there are two birds in a nest and the female bird wants to leave. She's just not going to up and leave. She's going to take a twig and fine a place across town. Then come back for a little bit and take another twig, then other, then other....The point is, she's not going to leave until she has something else set up. Link to post Share on other sites
BoredAgain Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 Tyler Perry explained it best... That's a combination of words I never thought I'd see. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 That's a combination of words I never thought I'd see. LOL!!! Weird, but true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 Bump, A good insight for those at the start of a break up Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I think when people come on websites like this, they are looking for answers. Hope of reconciliation, justification for their actions, or just a way to talk to someone and see what will happen in the end. With my first ever break up, I chased like crazy. And I mean like craaazy. I turned into such a manic depressive that I scared everyone in my family. I felt suicidal, lost, so deep in sadness that I could never see myself getting out of it. With this last break up, I stopped myself before I could do that. We knew we had problems, we just didn't talk about it. And we didn't talk about it because there were underlying issues that were bigger than either of us, or the relationship. I can't fix her problems because what happened to her is something only she can deal with. All I could do in the relationship was be there for her when she needed me. Her issues did cause intimacy problems, but I promised her that I'd never hold it against her. (I was scared to have sex with her. It hurt her a lot when we did have sex. She thought having sex more often would stop that, but we both knew what was going on) However, because of the lack of sex, we grew distant. And last week, she had decided that she didn't want to do it anymore. I told her the only way to fix things was for her to go to therapy, and for me to go as well to fix my own stuff. But she told me that wasn't going to happen. I haven't talked to her since. I haven't had the urge to text or call, because I know my best bet is to just leave her alone and let her live her life. She said she felt like she hadn't lived her life, that she's 22 and missed her whole chance at partying with friends. It sounds like there were so many things going on in her mind that nothing I could've said would have changed it. I don't like the idea of classifying break ups. Some people could look at it as GIGs, but there was an additional underlying problem. So could see it as just an end-of-the-road break up, but she had signs of GIGs. Seriously, whats the point of even classifying anything. The bottom line is to accept that its over, and for now, not to contact the person and just move on with your life. No one can say "Hey, they'll never contact you again, so just let it go" because no one can tell you the future. At the same time, there's no guarantee they will ever come back. So whats the point of even looking for hope? Just accept that its over. Jeez, I wish I knew this kinda stuff and listened to the advice from it 4 years ago when my first ex and I broke up. Would've made life easier, even if just a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I speculate that women that are dumpers really don't feel much. That's untrue. And to feel that way is only justifying yourself for wanting to hate female dumpers more. The truth is, yes, they probably thought about it for a long period of time before actually initiating the break up. Does that mean they will leave you for someone else? Of course not. Not everyone jumps from one ship to another. It could happen, but not necessarily. My recent ex dumped me because she couldn't handle it emotionally. The frustration of trying to work things out had gotten to her, because the truth is we didn't try to work things out. We just let our problems sit there, because the only way things would be fixed with our sex life was if she got therapy. And she won't. So what else can I do but let her go? I know she's in pain. She's been in pain our whole relationship, and her whole life. If she feels she needs to have more freedom, let her have it. I won't just assume that she feels nothing, because thats untrue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 Would you like to start your own thread so that people can comment and offer advice and nice words. This thread is more for people to post about when they started to miss their ex if they were the dumper, i dont think you'll get much response for your situation on this thread xx Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 My mistake, didn't mean to hijack the thread Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I think male dumpers can be just as callous. If they miss you after a couple of months, why have I never had any contact? My ex dumped me by text, verbally abuse me. Left everything unresolved. I never contacted, begged or anything. Just compmety cut off, no answers, no nothing. Weirdest BU ever. Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 That's a combination of words I never thought I'd see. That's hillarious:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
fiat500 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I think male dumpers can be just as callous. If they miss you after a couple of months, why have I never had any contact? My ex dumped me by text, verbally abuse me. Left everything unresolved. I never contacted, begged or anything. Just compmety cut off, no answers, no nothing. Weirdest BU ever. Or you know..maybe we just go out with guys who never really care about us. You and I are like that small percentage of poor souls that get with the rarest of gems because we make poor decisions. Ending up as fill-ins until something better comes along, and we're just unlucky enough to get dumped by the guy that will never think of us again. It sucks but it happens. Gotta scrape yourself off the floor until it means nothing eventually. I think for 80% of people who are dumped unjustly however, their ex will probably remember them in a good way down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Fiat500- you must be right. But they are so good at faking it. I think these people should become actors. They are very good at it. They are fantastic at pretending and stringing people along. Link to post Share on other sites
DannyT27 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Ok my gf of 5 yrs left me on 25/10/11 she pretty much got straight into another relationship straight away with a guy 10 yrs older... She last messaged me on 18/11/11 saying that she was goin to such a nightclub.. Basicly saying she sent it so I dnt have to bump into her and her new fella. It's now been 1 month 3 days since that text to which I didn't reply too... So 1 month 3 days NC so far, and they have almost been together 2 months now aswel. Does this apply to me ? I thought I'd of heard from her by now but she's got her new bloke to fall back on I suppose.... I will day this tho her new fella is not a good looking lad at all and they go out drinking 4 days out the 7 every week... I'm pretty sure if and wen this relationship fails that's wen I'll hear from her. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Ok my gf of 5 yrs left me on 25/10/11 she pretty much got straight into another relationship straight away with a guy 10 yrs older... She last messaged me on 18/11/11 saying that she was goin to such a nightclub.. Basicly saying she sent it so I dnt have to bump into her and her new fella. It's now been 1 month 3 days since that text to which I didn't reply too... So 1 month 3 days NC so far, and they have almost been together 2 months now aswel. Does this apply to me ? I thought I'd of heard from her by now but she's got her new bloke to fall back on I suppose.... I will day this tho her new fella is not a good looking lad at all and they go out drinking 4 days out the 7 every week... I'm pretty sure if and wen this relationship fails that's wen I'll hear from her. Thanks Danny with a new person they tend to not miss the dumper until around the 2 month mark, they dont usually reach out until the 3-4 month mark, they dont really fully miss us until the 5 month mark and around the 8 month mark its an intense miss where they would really reach out. Danny have a look at Wilsons thread "Here it is" and homebrews "gigs" thread, it might help you a bit, these posts will lead you to others Link to post Share on other sites
Teuen101 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 (edited) About a year ago. I dumped some one I loved. it was very hard but I walked away and said nothing more. I didn't cheat matter of fact. I stayed single for almost a year. She was having some real life problems the more I tried to help her face her problems the more upset she got with me and angry she got with me.. We talked less and less she lost her self in othere projects like work and her kids and the last E-mail I sent was asking her what happend to us. she snapped my head off in the E-mail and I never replyed. poofed I didn't talk to her for a year. It hurt me so bad all I talked about for a few months. I watched as she hooked up with guy after guy after I left prob like 10.. now we are awesome friends, there are no feelings, just friendship, sure I give her a hard time in a kidding matter about letting me get away lol but its all in fun. she is happy now with some one else and I'm really happy for her. Dumping isnt easy. wasnt for me. ... my ex who just left me now tho is on her 2 second relationship in 2 months. I remember her telling me she felt stuck and she thought she loved me but her feelings changed...she wanted to go back to her ex husband . so for one i should have know better then to fall into that mess she was broken when I found her. Do i think she loves me sure she still trys to contact me ..I keep it NC to LC..I keep it short and sweet and if she trys to bait me into somthing like her being sarcastic, I say well its been good chatting gotta run... be safe an go on. who knows whats going to happen. all I know is im learning somthing about my self that I didn't know before and I owe most of it to the people here thank you all Edited December 21, 2011 by Teuen101 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Danny with a new person they tend to not miss the dumper until around the 2 month mark, they dont usually reach out until the 3-4 month mark, they dont really fully miss us until the 5 month mark and around the 8 month mark its an intense miss where they would really reach out. Danny have a look at Wilsons thread "Here it is" and homebrews "gigs" thread, it might help you a bit, these posts will lead you to others Smokey, Does this only apply right after a breakup. Say the dumper gets into another relationship right away? Or can this be applied years down the road by a dumper once they get into their new relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 About a year ago. I dumped some one I loved. it was very hard but I walked away and said nothing more. I didn't cheat matter of fact. I stayed single for almost a year. She was having some real life problems the more I tried to help her face her problems the more upset she got with me and angry she got with me.. We talked less and less she lost her self in othere projects like work and her kids and the last E-mail I sent was asking her what happend to us. she snapped my head off in the E-mail and I never replyed. poofed I didn't talk to her for a year. It hurt me so bad all I talked about for a few months. I watched as she hooked up with guy after guy after I left prob like 10.. now we are awesome friends, there are no feelings, just friendship, sure I give her a hard time in a kidding matter about letting me get away lol but its all in fun. she is happy now with some one else and I'm really happy for her. Dumping isnt easy. wasnt for me. ... my ex who just left me now tho is on her 2 second relationship in 2 months. I remember her telling me she felt stuck and she thought she loved me but her feelings changed...she wanted to go back to her ex husband . so for one i should have know better then to fall into that mess she was broken when I found her. Do i think she loves me sure she still trys to contact me ..I keep it NC to LC..I keep it short and sweet and if she trys to bait me into somthing like her being sarcastic, I say well its been good chatting gotta run... be safe an go on. who knows whats going to happen. all I know is im learning somthing about my self that I didn't know before and I owe most of it to the people here thank you all Teuen, How long were you on no contact with your first ex before you became friends again? How long did she stay with her ex husband for after she broke up with you for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I think the best bet for anyone is to understand that nothing fixes itself quickly. In fact, if people rush back into a relationship after a break up, it won't solve any of the problems that existed when you were with that other person. As I'm learning now, the best thing you can do for yourself is stop panicking. Stop worrying. Don't rush anything. Time is something we have, especially when we're young. You can't stop it, but you can use it to help steer yourself in the right direction in life. Take the time you have now, on your own, to take care of yourself. Understand whatever problems may have existed when you were with your SO. Its the only way to make yourself better, and to ensure that any relationship you have in the future, whether you have it with your current ex or someone new, is in better shape than anything before it. Plus, don't get down on yourself. Its the holidays. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Fiat500- you must be right. But they are so good at faking it. I think these people should become actors. They are very good at it. They are fantastic at pretending and stringing people along. I should have known about my ex....drama club all 4 years of high school, and in an acting troupe as a hobby. Boy he was goooood! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author smokey bear Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Smokey, Does this only apply right after a breakup. Say the dumper gets into another relationship right away? Or can this be applied years down the road by a dumper once they get into their new relationship? I dont have a clue sorry, was it you tht asked me about rebounds happening years or months down the line after being single for a while Link to post Share on other sites
YouNeverKnow86 Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I dont have a clue sorry, was it you tht asked me about rebounds happening years or months down the line after being single for a while Hey Smokey, Yeah it was me Link to post Share on other sites
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