My colleague at work

[phineas]

Sorry if you took that as an insult... seems *someone* is a little sensitive. Woooo!!!

 

If you get a kick out of 'pilfering' and that seems like good sport to you, then have at it. Who cares?

 

You shouldn't be surprised, hurt, or angry that the person you are trying to 'hit and quit' is applying the same standards to you... that's all I'm saying...

 

No you arn't.

You've lobbed the same insult towards me before on this forum.

 

And I can guarantee you will eventually do it again.

[phineas]

Now THIS is funny. I seem to recall I started this thread and you posted here... Hmmm.

 

And?

Your point?

I'm not allowed to post in your threads?

 

Did I insult you at all before you wrote a book on "low quality" and directed it towards me?

[phineas]

Sorry if you took that as an insult... seems *someone* is a little sensitive. Woooo!!!

 

If you get a kick out of 'pilfering' and that seems like good sport to you, then have at it. Who cares?

 

You shouldn't be surprised, hurt, or angry that the person you are trying to 'hit and quit' is applying the same standards to you... that's all I'm saying...

 

 

Also, I'm not the one who claimed I pilfered so I really have no idea what you are talking about.

 

I just explained why men did it.

 

But somehow, you apply all that to me & not the guy who actually said he did it.

 

So once again you accuse me of doing something on this forum I never did.

 

What is your problem?

seriously.

 

Where did I say I pilfered or went on about my experiences trying to pilfer?

Where is this coming from?

are you insane?

Edited November 21, 2011 by phineas

[ThsAmericanLife]

... sooo... back on topic...

 

One thing that was also a factor with my colleague is that we do work together fairly closely... at least we do at the moment.

 

Only twice in my life have I seriously considered dating a co-worker. Usually it is strictly off-limits for me... no matter how attractive he might seem.

 

It takes a whole lot for me to consider crossing that line. One of the reasons I decided to share my feelings with him is because I'm very aware of the pressure men feel about approaching women at work. Especially ones they just met fairly recently. I'm not one to let a reasonable opportunity pass me by... and I didn't want this one to pass me by either because of shyness or awkwardness... on either of our parts.

 

Part of the reason I find his behavior so annoying is because, yea, there is a part of me that still is attracted to him... but I can't get past how he left the impression he was single when he wasn't.

 

Plus I don't like the feeling he's just looking for attention or wants to see if I'm still attracted to him.

 

Just can't bring myself to get all worked up over him again.

 

They say timing is everything and I guess that's true. If there ever was a window of opportunity, I guess it is closed now.

 

What sucks is this is my pattern... I like a guy, we circle around each other for a bit, either he's seeing someone else, or doing the 'multidating' thing, I shove him off...

 

.. then when he decides to test the waters again later... I can't do it. Just can't do it. Those initial feelings just aren't there anymore.

[phineas]

Sorry if you took that as an insult... seems *someone* is a little sensitive. Woooo!!!

 

If you get a kick out of 'pilfering' and that seems like good sport to you, then have at it. Who cares?

 

You shouldn't be surprised, hurt, or angry that the person you are trying to 'hit and quit' is applying the same standards to you... that's all I'm saying...

 

Again.

Where did I say I pilfered?

You can dodge all you want but this is not the first time you have fabricated things about me on the forum and not the first time you've dodged when I've called you on it.

 

I'm starting to believe this guy never even flirted with you & it was just imagined like the things you said about me above.

 

Here is a thread you should probably read on women bending reality to suit their purposes.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=307467

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm interested in hearing some constructive advice from anyone else who might also be struggling with dating 'norms' these days. (Thanks Plum Princess for sharing your story!!)

 

I've said it in other threads before... If I have a 'problem', it is that I'm concerned that I dump or turn away some men prematurely. That is the underlying concern in my original post.

 

It is never done in a mean or spiteful way. I just make it clear from my actions that romance isn't an option... and it is never because of their looks, job, or income. The men I've dated are all over the map that way. I'm actually quite happy with the quality of most of my significant recent relationships and we are still friendly.

 

Nope... I turn them away because of what appears to be a character flaw (or that is what I tell myself). In most cases, it is a very good thing and my assessment has been correct.

 

In others though, the ones that turned out to be 'keepers'... I regret. Part of it is I just can't wrap my head around what is considered 'normal' dating behavior these days. In my work and personal life... I'm either all in or all out. There is very little in between for me.

 

I'm also concerned that my fiancee's death has created some kind of emotional PTSD... It's not like I'm not attracted to other men. I've had a couple of long term relationships since then... there is always a point though where I shut myself off, or come up with some reason to break it off.

 

That never happened before then. Not even after my divorce. I can't say it is a fear of rejection. I deal with rejection every day in my business... and (as others would note), when I was doing online dating... I set it up so that I'd be the one making nearly all of the first contact.. I don't recall ever griping about the men who didn't contact me back for whatever reason. So fear of rejection isn't my issue.

 

Anyway, it is really frustrating... especially since the kind of emotional safety net for dating (ie friends, family etc) that might have existed in the past doesn't seem to exist much anymore.

[phineas]

You're denail of reality is very telling.

 

Again, where did I claim I targeted attached women & then discussed problems whith said women?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Here are some of the barriers I feel I've created...

 

1) Being impatient with a man's pace. If he pushes for sex too soon, I'm out. If he feels the need to date other women while dating me (no matter how 'innocently') while he finds himself... he's out.

 

2) Age. I won't date men more than about +/- 5 years or so.

 

3) Past history of irresponsible behavior. Drugs, abuse, alcohol, finances, infidelity. That probably rules out a huge portion of the men in my age range.

 

4) Not looking for a committed relationship. Also rules out a huge portion of men in my age range. Most of them are coming out of divorces.

 

5) Religious or philosophical differences. More to do with their views of male/female roles. Not political or even based on one particular religion.

 

6) If we worked together.

 

Writing this down, I can see I've narrowed my options down to a pretty small subset. Considering the fact that I live in a small town doesn't help things.

 

Among this list, #6 is the one I've relaxed (obviously, the point of this thread). Some would argue that I need to relax #1 and #2.

 

I've tried to find a way to relax the first one... to not be so impatient or quick to judge... although, since coming here, I've learned that other people feel the same way about this... so probably not likely I'll relax this one unless he comes with references (friends/family).

 

I actually have relaxed #3 before... with not so great results.

 

Regarding the age thing... that goes along with #4 for me. It would be tough for a much younger man to convince me he's interested in a committed relationship. I won't date a much older man just on principle.

 

Considering my list has mostly to do with dating style, character, and relationship goals, I'd like to think my options aren't as limited as one might assume.

 

I've never ruled out a guy based on height, income, job choice, hair, or even ethnicity, for instance...

 

Anyway, it would be nice to have some input that is more thoughtful than "you are 'old' so you gotta take what you can get"... but I can live without it. Just writing the above was therapeutic.

[phineas]

7) You make things up about people & refuse to ackwoledge it happened when called out on it.

[mtber75]

Why do you think he's such a jerk? First of all work place romance is inappropriate...Unless you guys are in different departments. Why were you being flirtatious back...That's kinda of guilty on your part too. Maybe he's having a rocky time with his GF or he's just being friendly (so its not just men that misinterpret women)! Men are more directly so did you ask him?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Why do you think he's such a jerk? First of all work place romance is inappropriate...Unless you guys are in different departments. Why were you being flirtatious back...That's kinda of guilty on your part too. Maybe he's having a rocky time with his GF or he's just being friendly (so its not just men that misinterpret women)! Men are more directly so did you ask him?

 

I agree that some work place romances could be inappropriate...however, we are peers. Same title, same level. There is no employee/boss type overlap.

 

Both in the company I left recently, and where I currently work, there are many, many husband/wife employees. Not only is it not discouraged... it is actually encouraged. As a way to develop more company loyalty...

 

It isn't looked down at all unless there would be some view that one or the other is getting or giving special treatment hiring or pay...which there isn't. This is not anything I make a habit of either... in my 20 year career, I've only considered dating two men I worked with. They were special. So, that is the background.

 

I was flirtatious back because I assumed he was single. When it happened more than a couple of times... and to the extent that it did, I feel he should have fessed up that he had a girlfriend without prompting on my part.

 

ok, so we got things straightened out before. I could chalk it up to miscommunication or different dating styles... I wouldn't want anyone I'm dating to act like he did, but I"m not dating him, so no big deal. I did my part to close any holes in assumptions (even though I don't feel like I should be the one that needed to be proactive).

 

When he tried the touchy-feely thing again the other night... I think that is what annoyed me... and prompted this thread. That, and not being happy about what is considered normal dating behavior by some people. I don't think I should have to pull it out of someone that they have a girlfriend.

[phineas]

HEY!

your back!

Ready to tell me where I claimed to chase after taken women & talked about my troubles with them?

 

I'm referring to the imaginary accusations you made about me in this thread.

[ThsAmericanLife]

... so I'm driving home from work today... and I'm thinking that maybe me broaching the topic of (what appeared to be) mutual attraction with my co-worker was probably not a good idea.

 

I don't think it harmed our work relationship at all. We get along very well. There was no 'drama' whatsoever after the fact.

 

It is just that I pushed for some resolution... and I got it. It was nice to have clarity. Very nice, in fact.

 

But clarity trumped 'romance'... any past, present, or future of any romance, probably. Now I don't trust him. I wish I could.

[mtber75]

I agree that some work place romances could be inappropriate...however, we are peers. Same title, same level. There is no employee/boss type overlap.

 

Both in the company I left recently, and where I currently work, there are many, many husband/wife employees. Not only is it not discouraged... it is actually encouraged. As a way to develop more company loyalty...

 

It isn't looked down at all unless there would be some view that one or the other is getting or giving special treatment hiring or pay...which there isn't. This is not anything I make a habit of either... in my 20 year career, I've only considered dating two men I worked with. They were special. So, that is the background.

 

I was flirtatious back because I assumed he was single. When it happened more than a couple of times... and to the extent that it did, I feel he should have fessed up that he had a girlfriend without prompting on my part.

 

ok, so we got things straightened out before. I could chalk it up to miscommunication or different dating styles... I wouldn't want anyone I'm dating to act like he did, but I"m not dating him, so no big deal. I did my part to close any holes in assumptions (even though I don't feel like I should be the one that needed to be proactive).

 

When he tried the touchy-feely thing again the other night... I think that is what annoyed me... and prompted this thread. That, and not being happy about what is considered normal dating behavior by some people. I don't think I should have to pull it out of someone that they have a girlfriend.

 

Don't really know what company actually encourages significant others to work together?

 

That would annoy me also...Calling during off hours with personal issues...Maybe he thinks of you as like a therapist type of a friend? Perhaps tell him straight out that your not interested in flirting if he's not available?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Don't really know what company actually encourages significant others to work together?

 

That would annoy me also...Calling during off hours with personal issues...Maybe he thinks of you as like a therapist type of a friend? Perhaps tell him straight out that your not interested in flirting if he's not available?

 

They work together, but usually not under the same boss. Think of large multinational that brings imagination to things...

 

...not to mention their competition that is a phonetic match with the word for male ejaculate (sssshhh.. Don't tell anyone, I'm trying to get work with them!!)

 

Shoot, the dean and his wife are both engineering professors at the school I teach at. The place is swimming with husband/wife employees!

 

...and about the flirting... I'll try the indirect approach first.. pulling my hand away the other night probably did it.

[phineas]

Funny ThsAmericanLife, you had something to say to me when you were making things up about me & now you don't want to talk because i'm holding you accountable.

 

Go figure.

[ThsAmericanLife]

To all,

 

It is pretty common in chat forums, and in written communication in general, for people to mistake tone or to assume a generic 'you' actually means 'you' personally.

 

There are more than the fair share of people here (on LS more than other places I've gone for relationship help in the past) who seem to respond in ways that are grossly disproportionate than the supposed slight might warrant.

 

In those cases, I'd ask people who make a habit of that (whomever happens to be reading this) to consider take ownership of their reactions and perceptions. And try to remember that the world really doesn't revolve around 'you'... I mean 'you' in the figurative... not literal.

 

Mature people understand that some battles just aren't worth fighting, for one. The other is that giving people the benefit of the doubt most of the time happens to be a valuable life skill and one that probably would benefit people's ability to maintain a relationship.

 

With all that said, I realize we are all works in progress and doing our best to improve our lives...

 

I'm seeing my colleague again next week. I think I'll attempt to have a conversation about this. If anything, I don't want to be left with a negative impression of him... he ought to know that his behavior is confusing... and I'll give him the opportunity to let him know how it affects me. I think we've come to know each other well enough to have that conversation...

 

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!!

[phineas]

To all,

 

It is pretty common in chat forums, and in written communication in general, for people to mistake tone or to assume a generic 'you' actually means 'you' personally.

 

There are more than the fair share of people here (on LS more than other places I've gone for relationship help in the past) who seem to respond in ways that are grossly disproportionate than the supposed slight might warrant.

 

In those cases, I'd ask people who make a habit of that (whomever happens to be reading this) to consider take ownership of their reactions and perceptions. And try to remember that the world really doesn't revolve around 'you'... I mean 'you' in the figurative... not literal.

 

Mature people understand that some battles just aren't worth fighting, for one. The other is that giving people the benefit of the doubt most of the time happens to be a valuable life skill and one that probably would benefit people's ability to maintain a relationship.

 

With all that said, I realize we are all works in progress and doing our best to improve our lives...

 

I'm seeing my colleague again next week. I think I'll attempt to have a conversation about this. If anything, I don't want to be left with a negative impression of him... he ought to know that his behavior is confusing... and I'll give him the opportunity to let him know how it affects me. I think we've come to know each other well enough to have that conversation...

 

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!!

 

White Flag accepted.

 

It's a shame you aren't mature enough to take accountability for your false claims about me.

I hope you have learned a valuable lesson here but I doubt it.

Edited November 23, 2011 by phineas

[ThsAmericanLife]

Phineas,

 

I suspect your hair-trigger temper and oversensitivity to imagined slights will not bode well for your future. It is only in your imagination that any claims were made. You chose to continue the discussion on pilfering... and you chose to take a generic 'you' to mean 'you' personally. Then you insulted not just me but another poster...

 

You seemed overly sensitive for some bizarre reason, I said I was sorry if you took it as an insult... and told you that I don't care if you pilfer or not... and said so...

 

You didn't accept that. That's your choice.

 

You cannot bully me into accepting responsibility for your choices.

 

Your need to continue posting on my thread without offering anything constructive is puzzling. Puzzling, but not surprising. LS is overrun with people like you... You have no help to offer. Nothing positive to say.

 

Good luck in your search for love... or whatever you are searching for... and I really mean that.

Edited November 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[ThsAmericanLife]

That would annoy me also...Calling during off hours with personal issues...Maybe he thinks of you as like a therapist type of a friend? Perhaps tell him straight out that your not interested in flirting if he's not available?

 

I guess I'll get my chance this weekend (if I want to take him up on it).

 

He left a message last night... said he wants to get together this weekend and that he broke up with his girlfriend.

 

Wierd that he just came out of the blue and volunteered that... especially over voicemail.

 

and why this weekend?? We had a meeting next week to talk about work related stuff. Seems like he could have brought it up then.

 

On the other hand, he is a big geek like me... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to stop analyzing every minute detail (although, that is kinda what we both get paid for!!).

 

#7 on the list of (current) barriers to a relationship... analyzing every detail!

[phineas]

Phineas,

 

I suspect your hair-trigger temper and oversensitivity to imagined slights will not bode well for your future. It is only in your imagination that any claims were made. You chose to continue the discussion on pilfering... and you chose to take a generic 'you' to mean 'you' personally. Then you insulted not just me but another poster...

 

You seemed overly sensitive for some bizarre reason, I said I was sorry if you took it as an insult... and told you that I don't care if you pilfer or not... and said so...

 

You didn't accept that. That's your choice.

 

You cannot bully me into accepting responsibility for your choices.

 

Your need to continue posting on my thread without offering anything constructive is puzzling. Puzzling, but not surprising. LS is overrun with people like you... You have no help to offer. Nothing positive to say.

 

Good luck in your search for love... or whatever you are searching for... and I really mean that.

 

Female manipulation tactics at their best.

When all else fails, play the victim.

 

"hair trigger temper" is just one of those things women use to play the victim card when a man calls them out on their crap.

It's no different than a woman accusing a man of being "controlling" because she wants to go out one-on-one with her "guy friends" to dinner or over to their house to watch a movie.

 

The fact is you have habit of lobbing your "low quality attracts low quality" garbage towards me on this forum.

 

Or do you deny ever saying that to me before?

 

 

You quoted me when you lobbed the pilfering accusation.

Why not the guy who actually admitted to pilfering? HMMM?

If you don't care, why even mention it when quoting me?

 

Not the first time you have just picked something out of thin air and accused me of it.

 

Every time I ask you a direct question you ignore me, regroup & try to think up some way to bend reality & make me out to be some bad guy because I call you on your crap.

 

Save your false platitudes & victim game for someone else.

 

We both know you love following me around this forum & trying to start flame wars.

 

Then the way you lob out little digs to no-one in particular?

 

I'm interested in hearing some constructive advice from anyone else who might also be struggling with dating 'norms' these days. (Thanks Plum Princess for sharing your story!!)

 

Are you going to claim this wasn't directed at me? LOL!

 

Pure trolling by you. Which is fine.

I troll, you troll, lots of people troll on this forum.

 

You don't want a flame war? simple, don't troll because I really do love's me a good flame war & apparently so do you. your just not very good at it:lmao:

 

So keep that in mind next time you quote me and start responding with insults or fictional situations or make off-hand comments in a thread directed towards me because I will take you task for it.

Which is obviously what you want because you keep doing it.

 

Now you have a good day.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Well, phineas... looks like we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Noone has followed you around.

 

Anyone who has taken any time to read my posts can see you aren't my type. You included. Take that personally too if you wish. Not my problem.

 

I really do have to say though... your desire to take umbrage for the smallest thing can't possibly be good for you.

 

Most people want constructive advice when they come here. Not a big mystery.

 

... about the low quality statement... you use that word alot in your posts when referring to women in general.

 

Your first post here referred to women as being 'low quality' if they allowed themselves to be pilfered. I was only pointing out that men (the hypothetical 'you', not you personally) who engage in that behavior risk having that judgement applied to them as well. Seems simple enough. I've pointed that out many times now.

 

What is your big hang up with being quoted? It is just a way of showing the conversation that is being referenced. I do it all the time. It isn't personal. Jeez.

 

Stop taking every damdingdang thing so personally. It isn't attractive. That is if you don't want to be ignored. Most people ignore those who can't have a constructive conversation or manage their emotions well.

 

Life is funny that way.

 

I have a pretty thick skin myself... Perhaps I over estimated you. My mistake.

 

you leave the appearance, Phineous, of having a very thin skin (not to mention a bully) with your obsessive posts trying to get some kind of response, apology, whatever over some slight that never happened.

 

That's ok. Everyone has their own junk to deal with.

 

Best wishes...

Edited November 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[phineas]

"bully" LOL!

 

Still crying victim.

 

I noticed you once again ignored my bolded question & tried to make it seem like this is a one off incident & i'm "thin skinned".

 

One more time, are you telling me you have never lobbed the "low quality attracts low quality" comment towards me OUTSIDE this thread?

 

We both know the answer, that's why you keep ignoring the question.

 

What you call bullying I call poking wholes in the reality you've created where you don't want to be held accountable.