New friendship - red flags

[SpiralOut]

I tried to edit above but I guess the time expired.

 

 

It just occurred to me that Jen has trouble understanding social cues and does not seem to pick up on other people's feelings. I mean, I've been acting coldly towards her for MONTHS, saying no to her 9 times out of 10, and I don't act very excited when I do cave in and agree to hang out with her. It is always me who ends things by saying "I am tired, I'm going home now." And when she talks I feel so bored that I space out during her one-sided conversation, and I know that when I'm angry it shows clearly on my face (everyone tells me) yet she doesn't seem to realize that her intrusive questions make me angry. It is SO OBVIOUS to any normal person that I dont'want to be around her but she doesn't get it. Either that or she does get it but doesn't care . . .

 

 

. . . yet since I've begun to refuse doing things for her, she pays less attention to me. I am starting to wonder if friendship to her has nothing to do with how the other person feels. To her it is about whether she is able to get what she wants out of the other person.

[SpiralOut]

Another update.

 

I thought that she was leaving me alone but she just never gives up.

 

Someone else from work invited me to a group outing. I had plans already so I politely declined. Judging from the way he approached me and the way he was talking to me, I suspect that he KNOWS I do not like Jen. It is normally not him who invites me out; Jen usually does (and I always shoot her down so quickly).

 

The day they were to go out, she asked me if I was going with them. I simply told her "no." She said not another word to me. That was the only thing she bothered to say to me all day. No small talk, no ''how are you'', no rapport. As usual.

 

I suspect that she knows I dislike her. She is obviously angry that I say no to her so often; she has made enough spiteful comments to me to make that much clear. Her way of dealing with it is to just try to force me to change.

 

I know this because I watched the way that she acted with a previous coworker that I am friends with. She harrassed him. She also said some things to me about him in regards to how he feels about me. Long story short, she tried to break up our friendship. Whether it was intentional on her part or not, I don't know.

 

She often mentions things that have happened in the past, some of it from YEARS ago. It scares me that she holds onto such little things so tightly. I actually could have stopped by the bar to see everyone for a bit but I decided against it. I cannot give this person anything to work with. She needs to be shut out totally and completely. She refuses accept the truth and she does not want let go.

 

I'll admit that I feel resentful that it's hard to get to know coworkers that I genuinely like outside of work. She ALWAYS says yes to everything she's invited to. I wish that she would get a life and just say no sometimes so I can go out without her being around. I am thinking of doing a small gettogether at my place that would exclude her. However, I worry that doing so could aggravate her further.

 

On a positive note, I've been spending more time doing yoga and hanging out with fun people. It really helps me to gain a better perspective of what's going on.

Edited March 24, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Posting an update, since I just realized it has been almost THREE months since I spent any time with her outside of work!!

 

She has been asking me repeatedly to go out with her and some other coworkers on friday nights and I have been telling her no every time without giving any real explanation aside from "can't, i'm busy." A couple other people have tried to ask me instead of her and I am much more polite with them, but still say no. I think they know I don't like her but thankfully know better than to say anything. It bothers me to miss out on spending time with these people but being around this woman is not worth it. I cannot give her any more ammunition to use against me.

 

We don't converse at work despite being in the same work area 5 days a week. So it's a bit strange that she would expect me to want to go out after work.

 

One day I was waiting for a friend to shop up at a coffee shop and she just happened to show up. She walked right over to me to say hello. Thankfully my mouth was full of muffin so I just waved and nodded my head while she talked and she went away soon enough. My friend showed up pretty much right after she left and I'm pretty sure she saw us together.

 

Ever since that happened she has kept her distance from me at work. I don't know if she was turned off by how unfriendly I was to her or if she felt intimidated by the fact that oh my gosh, spiralout actually has friends! Between myself and some other friends I have been able to figure out that she does NOT like it when people like me and she does NOT like the idea of me having friends.

 

In the breakroom the other day I got stuck alone with her. I expected her to ask me some question that is none of her business. She ALWAYS does that, within two minutes of being alone with me. She's like the little kid who chases the kitten and picks it up every time she sees it even though it hates to be picked up. But this time, she said absolutely nothing to me. Nothing!! Oh man. It was beautiful.

 

There is a chance that she might be training me in a different department, but I'm not worried. Well okay, I'm a little worried BUT I'm not afraid to say whatever needs to be said to her.

[whichwayisup]

You've come such a long way in dealing with her and handling things. That's wonderful!! So glad you updated. (I missed your other update last month, just saw it now.)

 

Now you just need to focus on not thinking of how she reacts. Everybody sees her flaws and knows 'how' she is. No need to worry or even be concerned about how she feels because you don't socialize with her, or speak to her on a personal level at work.

 

Worry about it if she has to train you, don't worry about it now. If it happens, then you'll have the confidence to be calm and not react, and also you'll do all that you can because it involves work related issues, not personal ones.

 

Be proud of yourself Spiral!

[SpiralOut]

Thank you . . .

 

I feel a huge amount of anger about this lately. When it first began to happen I hardly thought much about it and now it is on my mind more than I care to say.

 

Sometimes she acts as if she knows me, or will make comments which make it obvious she has spent some time thinking about what I do outside of work and that's what angers me most of all. How dare you pretend to be a part of my life when you are not. How dare you act as if you understand me when you clearly do not.

 

It is up to ME, not her, whether she gets to be a part of my inner life or not! I hate that she tries to force her way in or just plain DELUDES herself into thinking she knows what I do! It's so judgemental and ignorant!!

 

It is so hard to not let it get under my skin! I am trying very hard to see things from a third person perspective and find some compassion. It's the only way that I can think of to let go of some anger.

 

I've also been focusing more of my thoughts and time and energy towards other people and stuff like yoga and personal projects of mine. Most of the anger I think comes from knowing I can't avoid her unless I switch jobs, it just doesn't seem fair.

 

Other people are finally making some comments about her immaturity. She has been showing her true colours more and more often. Things are under better control but it's not over yet, I can just feel it.

 

ETA: actually you know what, she reminds me of myself when I used to project things into someone. the main difference being that, rather than befriending the girl, I kept my distance from her and did my best to watch my mouth around her.

 

I really, really hope that the way I behaved wasn't as bad as the way this girl is acting towards me. I'm pretty sure it isn't but still, it's really painful to watch...and now I can't help but wonder if this is the universe striking back at me to make me see what a miserable wretch I really was

Edited May 19, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Just updating because I'm going to an event tomorrow she will be at. I don't plan to stay very long.

 

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but she has thrown my ex-boyfriends name in my face a couple of times and I am predicting that she may do it again especially since I plan on being my awesome self tomorrow. She hates it so much when people pay attention to me. I know exactly how to deal with her. Just crossing my fingers that I am able to follow through with my plan!

 

I'm also wondering what sort of person I am. Am I that person on reality TV who has the high morals and is kind of a pain in the ass because of it? It sure seems like it. Other people are able to laugh and/or overlook her flaws. Even middle-aged people at work think she is cute and fawn over her. But I can't. Why not? Because she is mean to other people on purpose. She told me a story one time of how she made a girl cry. She sounded really proud of herself. That, in my opinion, makes her a bad person. Sure we all make mistakes but the least you can do is feel remorse from it, not brag about it!! And she talks about married men in a way I don't like. I don't like how she acts towards men who have girlfriends. I don't like how she acts towards her "best friend" who is a married man.

 

There is far more to this than just the way she's been acting towards me. I don't like her. Even before she started acting like a b*tch to me I thought she was immature. Am I too mature or too moral for my own good? I don't know. But I'm starting to think that I'm pretty cool. Despite all the crap she has flung at me I have not insulted her back. I sometimes do things to annoy her on purpose. But I will not say bad things to her.

 

I'll update again if anything interesting happens.

[freestyle]

Just updating because I'm going to an event tomorrow she will be at. I don't plan to stay very long.

 

Don't know if I mentioned this before, but she has thrown my ex-boyfriends name in my face a couple of times and I am predicting that she may do it again especially since I plan on being my awesome self tomorrow. She hates it so much when people pay attention to me. I know exactly how to deal with her. Just crossing my fingers that I am able to follow through with my plan!

 

I'm also wondering what sort of person I am. Am I that person on reality TV who has the high morals and is kind of a pain in the ass because of it? It sure seems like it. Other people are able to laugh and/or overlook her flaws. Even middle-aged people at work think she is cute and fawn over her. But I can't. Why not? Because she is mean to other people on purpose. She told me a story one time of how she made a girl cry. She sounded really proud of herself. That, in my opinion, makes her a bad person. Sure we all make mistakes but the least you can do is feel remorse from it, not brag about it!! And she talks about married men in a way I don't like. I don't like how she acts towards men who have girlfriends. I don't like how she acts towards her "best friend" who is a married man.

 

There is far more to this than just the way she's been acting towards me. I don't like her. Even before she started acting like a b*tch to me I thought she was immature. Am I too mature or too moral for my own good? I don't know. But I'm starting to think that I'm pretty cool. Despite all the crap she has flung at me I have not insulted her back. I sometimes do things to annoy her on purpose. But I will not say bad things to her.

 

I'll update again if anything interesting happens.

 

 

No---it sounds to me like you have a strong sense of ethics that you live by.

 

Other people who minimize her bad behavior are probably the types who don't have enough backbone to call her out on it---they'll "keep the peace" at all costs". That shows a lack of boundaries on their part.

 

If it comes down to self-respect vs. public opinion---which matters the most to you, at the end of the day?

[SpiralOut]

Thanks.... to answer your question, I think self-respect is more important. And that having some can actually improve the public opinion from the types of people that I want to associate with, if that makes any sense.

 

Last night was okay. The night went along without any incidents. She seems to have calmed down a lot now that she is better friends with other people; she has no real reason to be bothering me anymore. I've noticed she seems to be insensitive and bossy towards people in general. She just wants them to act how she wants them to and doesn't seem to understand that there are different ways of thinking.

 

I am now able to get along with her in a more civil and friendly manner so it's nice for some of the tension and awkwardness to be gone. I still don't like her too much though, so right now the challenge is to remain friendly without allowing her to cross boundaries. I think what was happening earlier was she tried too hard to cross my boundaries and when I wouldn't let her she became all angry and would insult me. She wants things to go her way. Understanding that makes it easier to not be too offended by her.

 

I didn't stay the whole time. When we got to the bar I decided that I'd had enough, I said my goodnights and I left.

 

The only thing that bothered me that I didn't say anything about, was the way she kept taking photos without asking permission. I'm pretty sure I was in some of them and I don't like that. But it wasn't worth it to say anything. I think I know why she was doing it. If anything I don't like makes it onto facebook I'll be un-tagging myself from them.

[SpiralOut]

Updating because things are getting more and more clear.

 

At one point I mentioned it felt like this Jen chick was trying to turn me into her little sidekick. Well, she finally got that. But it's not me. It's this other girl at work who practically fawns over her. The more time she spends around Jen, the more foolish and immature she acts, to the point of it being inappropriate. She used to be fine before she and Jen became friends. And she is fine now that Jen is not around as much anymore. But when they're around each other, it's hard to watch. She thinks its hilarious that Jen is mean. They both enjoy gossip. And I'm finding out that both of them can say things that are meanspirited. They say things that I would never have the guts to say out loud even if I was thinking them in my head.

 

So it's nice to see that it's her and not me playing the part of the sidekick. I hope she snaps out of it though.

 

I am also seeing that Jen hasn't really had many friends in her life. She gives herself away with certain comments that come out. So I'm wondering if some of her behaviour is because she has no idea of how to talk to people past a certain level. I mean she is good at being friendly on a superficial level. She's got everyone eating out of her hand with the way she kisses ass, basically lying to people. One day she'll say one thing to one person, the next day she'll say the complete opposite to someone else because she knows its what they'd like to hear. But it's painfully obvious that she hasn't spent much time with people her own age.

 

She just texted me right now and I am ignoring it.

 

We've been making small talk again at work and I know she is going to try and push boundaries with me again. So I am on the alert. I'll update if anything else interesting happens.

[darkmoon]

Updating because things are getting more and more clear.

 

At one point I mentioned it felt like this Jen chick was trying to turn me into her little sidekick. Well, she finally got that. But it's not me. It's this other girl at work who practically fawns over her. The more time she spends around Jen, the more foolish and immature she acts, to the point of it being inappropriate. She used to be fine before she and Jen became friends. And she is fine now that Jen is not around as much anymore. But when they're around each other, it's hard to watch. She thinks its hilarious that Jen is mean. They both enjoy gossip. And I'm finding out that both of them can say things that are meanspirited. They say things that I would never have the guts to say out loud even if I was thinking them in my head.

 

So it's nice to see that it's her and not me playing the part of the sidekick. I hope she snaps out of it though.

 

I am also seeing that Jen hasn't really had many friends in her life. She gives herself away with certain comments that come out. So I'm wondering if some of her behaviour is because she has no idea of how to talk to people past a certain level. I mean she is good at being friendly on a superficial level. She's got everyone eating out of her hand with the way she kisses ass, basically lying to people. One day she'll say one thing to one person, the next day she'll say the complete opposite to someone else because she knows its what they'd like to hear. But it's painfully obvious that she hasn't spent much time with people her own age.

 

She just texted me right now and I am ignoring it.

 

We've been making small talk again at work and I know she is going to try and push boundaries with me again. So I am on the alert. I'll update if anything else interesting happens.

 

changing personalilties like she does = false person

[writergal]

Updating because things are getting more and more clear.

 

I am also seeing that Jen hasn't really had many friends in her life. She gives herself away with certain comments that come out. So I'm wondering if some of her behaviour is because she has no idea of how to talk to people past a certain level. I mean she is good at being friendly on a superficial level. She's got everyone eating out of her hand with the way she kisses ass, basically lying to people. One day she'll say one thing to one person, the next day she'll say the complete opposite to someone else because she knows its what they'd like to hear. But it's painfully obvious that she hasn't spent much time with people her own age.

 

She just texted me right now and I am ignoring it.

 

We've been making small talk again at work and I know she is going to try and push boundaries with me again. So I am on the alert. I'll update if anything else interesting happens.

 

The profile of "Jen" you've provided in this post is a good example of a narcissist personality/Emotional Vampire.

 

The best way to defend yourself against these types is to never believe anything they tell you (90% of which are lies anyway), never give them credit and never accept their promise to help you (they won't, fyi, that's just their game).

 

Narcissistic personalities: lack empathy, have a huge sense of self-importance, only associates with the popular crowd, requires excessive admiration and attention from others, has a sense of entitlement and unreasonably expects others to cater to his/her needs, exploits others for their own benefit (i.e. takes advantage of nice people, gullible people) to achieve his/her own goals, can't empathize (but can fake empathy well), and shows really arrogant, haughty behavior and attitudes towards others. Basically these people view others as inferior and fake empathy and friendship to get what they want. They are shallow, mean, superficial people who are clever enough where when confronted about lying; will actually lie more to cover up their lies.

Edited July 11, 2012 by writergal

[SpiralOut]

changing personalilties like she does = false person

Exactly. Something felt "off" about her from the very start.

 

Basically these people view others as inferior and fake empathy and friendship to get what they want. They are shallow, mean, superficial people who are clever enough where when confronted about lying; will actually lie more to cover up their lies.

 

Yep that's what she did to me, and I picked up on it early enough to get pissed off by it. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not already but at one point my period of unemployement came up and she laughed like she thought it was funny. It didn't even sound like an evil laugh. She just laughed like a normal person would laugh at a normal joke. So that seemed screwed up to me. And then there was the joke she made regarding me and my ex-boyfriend being broken up. As soon as she said that, that was it. That was the comment that allowed me to cut her off completely without any guilt whatsoever.

 

She said something today that was evil. It was regarding someone who is in the hospital alone. This person isn't very popular at work, but does have a couple of friends. Everyone knows she's an unhappy person but leaves her alone about it. Anyway, someone commented that it's really not good that she doesn't have anyone. Jen said something and started laughing. I didn't catch what it was exactly, just something about our boss being worried about her.

 

That is evil. What type of screwed up person thinks it's funny for someone to care about someone who is in the hospital? Let's kick someone while they're down!!! And the worst part is that Jen goes out of her way to be nice to this person. I noticed that a long time ago and have been watching that dynamic closely. This person thinks that Jen is her friend. I am not joking.

 

 

Oh right, and she made the joke TO THIS PERSON'S FRIEND.

 

I'm starting to think she has no idea of what loyalty is!!

 

Not sure if she fits the standard emotional vampire profile though. The weirdest thing about her is that she has a child-like demeanor and a child-like voice. Somebody today was absent-mindedly playing with her hair while talking to her!! And Jen let her! Seriously?? She doesn't act that way outside of work. She pretends to be a party-girl and talks about wanting to get with other women's boyfriends. Oh my god.

 

I've also noticed she doesn't talk about herself in any meaningful way ever. She'll just talk about other people, her interactions with other people, what she does with other people, what other people do and say. I've asked her a couple of times about her swimming that she does, or TV shows she likes and she just laughs in my face and won't answer.

 

She also talks about her nephew and neices so much that she sometimes say things like "i have beautiful children at home" or she'll call them "my kiddos." That creeps me out so badly. Nothing wrong with loving your family, that's fine, but those aren't your children. I know that she means it as a joke probably, but it still doesn't seem right. I am wondering how the mothers feel.

 

Sorry for going on and on with my rant. I am just so appalled that a person like this could exist. I hope that someone on LS finds this helpful. I just noticed this thread has over 49,000 views. Holy cow!

Edited July 12, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I don't think she's going to bother me anymore.

 

I was heading somewhere tonight and saw her get off at the same bus stop as me. Not sure if she was on my bus or the one behind it. She was only a few feet away from me and we crossed the same street. She didn't approach me or try to catch my attention. It's possible she didn't notice me, but she always noticed me the last few times we were in the same area. I got the distinct feeling that she was pretending to not see me (which is what I was doing too). So I think she knows now to leave me alone.

 

I've also noticed that she doesn't talk to me as much at work anymore. Whenever she does, it is in front of other people and they are perfectly normal questions.

 

Sometimes she actually seems nervous when talking to me. So I am trying really hard to just talk to her the same way I would talk to anyone so I'm not so intimidating. Crossing my fingers that she won't misinterpret that and start acting nutso again.

 

This might be premature to say this but I think finally she has clued in to the fact that she can't talk to me the way that she was before. Now that she is off my back and acting freaking normal, I almost feel bad about being so cold to her. I had no choice though.

[whichwayisup]

This is all good and you've done an excellent job in dealing with her. Go read this thread from start to finish! You should be proud of yourself!

 

Sooner or later she'll be completely off your radar, and you won't notice her at all.

 

And don't feel bad! If you had done nothing, things would be worse and you'd be crawling out of your skin due to her attitude and pettiness/immaturity! No regrets, k!

[darkmoon]

getting rid of these types of ppl is hard, standing up to them, well done

[NoMagicBullet]

Hi, SpiralOut,

 

I've been away from this thread for quite a while, but I'm glad you've made a lot of progress in dealing with Jen. Sorry you're still stuck working with her.

 

It weird, but she seems to have a lot of traits my ex had. He wasn't into gossip so much, but he had definite attitudes about how people should be running their lives, he looked down on almost everyone, he belittled me continuously (even for things other, normal people might encourage or praise me for), and he was entirely wrapped up in himself and his point of view. He was also very insecure, and he either was very bad at picking up on social cues or he just didn't care about acknowledging them (like when someone wanted to end a conversation and he didn't). The relationship with him never really got off the ground in a meaningful way, but I tried to be a friend to him after we stopped living together -- big mistake, because he was a parasite. I had to go total no contact to be completely free of him.

 

I had a hard time accepting that this was who he was -- that someone could act the way he did. I had always thought most people were fairly logical and rational in ordinary, human ways, until I met him. The guy was just too messed up. Your account of Jen is one of the few times I've run across anything like my ex. I hope to never meet another person like him in real life! I hope one day Jen will be out of your life completely.

 

Hang in there, and keep making progress!

[SpiralOut]

Thank you all . . .

 

NoMagicBullet, thank you for sharing your story. I guess there are a few people out there who are like that, but not too many. It's so strange that I can't help but be fascinated by it.

 

I can't help but wonder if she's been diagnosed with a disorder, or if she would be if she were to go to a therapist.

 

Anyway. She's going on vacation next month and I'm filling in for her. Our boss has deliberately arranged for other people to train me. Jen has not taught me anything about her job; other people are doing it instead. I don't know if he doesn't trust her to do a good training job, or if he sees the conflict between us and thinks its best to keep us apart. The reason doesn't matter that much. I'm just curious that's all.

 

I've been watching her interactions with other people very closely. And now that I think of it, she has been doing the same with me. Based on some of the things she has said to me, it's obvious that she has watched me carefully. Maybe not anymore, but definately in the past she has. It makes me wonder why. Why would she do that? Did she see me as some sort of threat? She must have. Why else do that? I never do that to anyone unless I feel suspicious of them.

 

I'll update if anything interesting happens. Like if something happens where I never have to see her again would be the preferable update.

Edited July 25, 2012 by SpiralOut

[NoMagicBullet]

I've been watching her interactions with other people very closely. And now that I think of it, she has been doing the same with me. Based on some of the things she has said to me, it's obvious that she has watched me carefully. Maybe not anymore, but definately in the past she has. It makes me wonder why. Why would she do that? Did she see me as some sort of threat? She must have. Why else do that? I never do that to anyone unless I feel suspicious of them.

 

Since I'm trying to unravel the mystery of people like this (for reasons obvious in my last post), I'm wondering if she is just so socially clueless and insecure that she watches people like a hawk to figure out her next move.

 

I'm not a gambling person, but I'd put money on her having a disorder, as I would my ex. Which disorder I'd bet on... still not sure about that!

[SpiralOut]

You're right, I think she is socially clueless.

 

In the past, she has looked to me for advice/insight. I've attracted a couple of people this year who did that with me, which is a really odd feeling. I mean how do I give advice to this person who is so rude to me? Why does this person think I know anything?? I'm not mad about it, but it's weird.

 

Anyway... she'll explain things that she said to other people and describe their reaction. Then she'll wait to see what I say. She said something inappropriate/intrusive to this guy she had a huge crush on. I see no reason for why she would be mean on purpose. She seemed genuinely confused about whether she had offended him or not (she had). Another girl I talk to was telling me that Jen told her about how she was really mean to a new person. It was really bad. She told him what he did was "horrible" and "sucked." I work with some pretty rude people but none of them have ever said anything like that.

 

She lacks empathy for sure. I think something is wrong that makes it hard for her to understand people. The weird thing is that she seems to be trying to understand.

 

I ended up getting some training from her tonight, which is why I'm updating. We are now able to talk to each other mostly normally, though I still don't feel comfortable around her. I think the main reason she pissed me off so much was her Dr Jekel/Mr Hyde personality. If you want to be a rude person, that's fine, but at least act that way ALL the time instead of acting sugary sweet then suddenly out of nowhere acting like a bitch. She's being really helpful at work, which is good because she's the best person to help me prepare for her position.

 

oh yeah so obviously our boss changed his mind about who trains me.

 

Within the next two weeks I will not be surprised if she throws an insult of some sort at me. I think I can handle it, though. I'm wondering if she doesn't know how to be herself, so she just alternates between these extremes of being supernice/supermean. I think she's the type who benefits from people calling her out on stuff. There's someone else who does it with her all the time and she takes it pretty well. So I'll try his methods. Kinda looking forward for the chance to try it, lol.

Edited July 26, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

She hasn't said anything mean to me all week despite spending an hour each day with her training. It's hard to say why she's leaving me alone.

 

I still analyze this and I think it's because Jen represents one of my fears. I have always been introverted, and a little socially awkward. But I still manage to make friends so I'm not that bad. One reason I get nervous when talking to new people is that I worry they will point out my flaws or put me down. It has happened on occasion.

 

You know that little voice in your head that tells you that you suck? That's what Jen is, in the flesh. Her method of getting to know me was to stick her fingers inside the parts of me I feel most insecure about - my awkwardness, the break-up of my relationship, my period of unemployement, and the worst thing of all, the fact that my social life has gone downhill since becoming single again. Those are the subjects she showed the most interest in and aggressively tried to talk to me about. She also showed way too much interest in the friendships/relationships that I have with other people that she knows, asking all sorts of intrusive questions about that. She also tried to stick her nose in my finances. I don't feel bad about my money so I didn't feel put down by it, just pissed off that she thought it was okay to ask me such stupid questions.

 

It felt like she was analyzing me and going out of her way to figure out my shortcomings, then point them out to me. If she knew about something I wanted to do to improve myself she would discourage me from it. In the same night, she told me I should just stay home and cook alone instead of taking a cooking class. Then, when I said I would love to write for a living, she told me that staying home all the time would be bad and that turning writing into a career would mean that I really have no life!! What?? So I should stay home alone instead of meeting people, but doing something with my talent is bad because then I'd be home alone?? That is such a contradiction! She just doesn't want me to improve myself!

 

And the way she put me down in front of others? It's like the voice inside you that says "you're not good enough" except everybody can hear it talking. It felt like she was trying to strip me down to the worst parts of me and point out to me and to everyone else that I'm not so great.

 

It's like Jen is my personal demon personified. I guess that's why I can't stop talking about this. It goes way deeper than "some weird chick at work is bugging me." No, this is about telling that critical voice in my head to shut up.

 

Ugh. On the bright side, she inspired me to write a short story I'm really happy with.

[whichwayisup]

We all have/had someone in our lives who play(ed) that part. I rid of that person a long time ago. if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, don't give them the time of day and don't feel bad or guilty about cutting them loose.

[SpiralOut]

Yeah it's weird to finally see it from a broader perspective. She is playing a part.

 

You know, sometimes people get mad at me for not caring enough about whether other people like me. But in this case, it worked out in my favour. Not once throughout this whole thing did I give a **** about whether she liked me or not. I just wanted her to go away. There were a few times when she tried to impress me with stories about herself that I simply was not impressed with at all. I did not pretend to care either.

 

I ignored her opinions without a second thought. She thinks I'm stupid for doing yoga? I wasn't even offended by that, I just thought it was weird and funny that she hates it for no reason, and I kept doing it openly, even talking to other people about it right in front of her. She thinks that certain people don't like me? Whatever, good for her. I kept talking and joking with them anyway, sometimes right in front of her. I didn't do that on purpose to bother her though, it's just something that I did without thinking about it or caring how she felt.

 

That makes me a pretty awesome person, IMO.

 

I'm starting to wonder if she knew I didn't care and just got madder and madder about it LOL which is actually pretty funny. I was teaching her something: you can't always get what you want, not everybody likes you, people don't have to listen to you if they don't want to, your opinions aren't always right, you can't boss everyone around, your tricks don't work on everyone, and no means no.

 

It's kind of like dealing with a child, isn't it? I'm proud of myself for standing firm. And it feels good to know that I'm getting something out of this for myself. I don't need to think about it anymore. Especially since she's gone for the next few weeks. It's going to be so nice.

Edited August 4, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Not being around her for the past week gives me peace of mind and perspective.

 

When all of this started.... all I wanted to do was get my life together and get my head on straight. That's all I wanted. I was recovering from a relationship that blew up in my face. I was living paycheque to paycheque. I had dropped one of the few friends I have because he was too negative to be around. I was learning to adjust my attitude. Learning to do things that make me happy.

 

I felt like I was just trying to survive, basically starting my life over from scratch. But I felt happy about it in a weird way, if that makes sense.

 

She knew bits and pieces of that. She knew that I became single. Knew that I moved. Knew I was supporting myself.

 

She did not, however, have the insight to realize that I simply COULD NOT give her what she wanted out of me. I could not do it emotionally. And financially, I simply could not (still can't) go out for drinks every week like she wanted. I now see incredibly disrespectful she was being, not just for the way she was acting but the way she seriously expected something out of me. Her attitude was ignorant, selfish. It's not fair to expect things out of someone who has other stuff going on. And I could not explain my priorities to her because it is none of her business.

 

The weird thing is I don't feel mad while writing this. I just feel relieved to see it for what it is.

Edited August 14, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

I realized today that how she acted qualifies as workplace harassment. I was reviewing some manuals at work and she fits the description of harassment: a pattern of behaviour, or repeated actions/words that intimidate, demean, ridicule. I could have documented her behaviour and reported her. That would have made things worse, I think, so I'm glad that I did it my own way.

 

In a way I should thank her because she forced me to grow a spine. This experience also motivated me to continue improving myself and meet new people and join groups. I think I said earlier that I had a plan of improving my life without saying anything to her about it, then when I'm ready just letting little things slip and watching her be surprised. Well, that's happening now.

 

About a month back a bunch of us go together. Someone mentioned to everyone about how I had gone out with different friends the other week. Her mouth was hanging open in shock and disbelief. She looked around the room staring at everyone to see if anyone else was surprised too. She just could not believe it that I had other friends I spent time with!!! I mean what does that say about her, really? She made herself look like a moron. LOL.

 

The other day she asked me if I was going to a group dinner, and when I said no, she said oh I guess you're too tired. I said um no I can't go because of yoga class. She was surprised. She asked me to repeat myself. Then she didn't say anything else.

 

I hope this doesn't make me a bitch but I just think it is so hilarious that she's obviously got this image of me in her head of how she thinks I am. And each time she sees me say or do something that contradicts it, she is so confused and surprised. Oh my god. It's hilarious.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share that because it's funny. I feel so much better knowing that I can put her in her place now. And even though we've been friendlier with each other lately, she hasn't bothered me. I've been telling off other people besides just her, so I think she's too nervous to even try anything stupid with me anymore. lol.

[whichwayisup]

Oh, she is making a fool of herself all on her own..Others do notice, though they probably don't care to react, so they just ignore her (roll their eyes and think what an idiot..) She is shocked because you have a life and she's jealous. She thinks she's better than you, more popular than you..HAHA, she got a reality check!! GOOD for you for handling it so well again. You've grown so much since the beginning of all this.