New friendship - red flags

[SpiralOut]

She sounds like the kind of person that has very poor boundaries. She doesn't really know where she ends and another person begins. It also sounds like she will talk about anything, but she especially likes talking about herself and talking about other people's business -- like she can't really converse meaningfully on anything else.

 

I don't know, just a guess. I'm related to a person who has poor boundaries and frequently talks about things that have no business being discussed, but without the put downs thankfully.

 

Keep hangin' in there...

 

Yeah that is my suspicion as well.

 

So last night I tried to get together a bunch of people from work for some drinks. I invited her because I didn't want to be mean and leave her out. Everyone else gets along with her really well. For some reason it seems to be just me who has a problem with her. So I invited her and it turned out to be just me and her who were able to go.

 

I ended up having a pretty good time except for one thing (I'll get to that!). We were able to actually talk about stuff besides just gossip. For example we talked about swimming for a little bit. But still most of the conversation was gossip and by the end of the night there wasn't much left to talk about and I was eager to go home.

 

I DID make some progress when she asked me why I don't like to hang out often, and why do I say no so much. I told her that it is nothing personal against anybody and that sometimes I just like to have time to myself. Which is true. She seemed to understand that.

 

I noticed afterwards that she insulted me again. I don't think she did it on purpose. There is another guy we work with that I talk to a lot that she obviously has a crush on but won't admit it. So I think there is a bit of jealousy there. She said she doesn't feel like talking to him at work because she doesn't want to be the only person he talks to while he ignores other people. Then she made a comment about how he always talks to me ever since his friend (our other coworker) left the company. She said I am the only one for him to talk to now, thereby implying that he only talks to me because he doesn't have other options.

 

But in truth, I hardly ever see him talking to her while we're working. And he talked to me a lot BEFORE his friend left the company. He quite often would ignore his friend in favour of talking to me. I guess because his friend talks to him outside of work often enough that they don't need to talk every day at work. But he doesn't talk to JUST me. I've heard him converse with almost everyone in our department.

 

So I feel like she was trying to make a jab at me. Like she's upset he talks to me so much so she pretends she'sthe one who doesn't want to talk to him? I don't know. I didn't realize it was making other people feel bad. He's the one who keeps initiating all the talking anyway.

 

So at this point I feel that I can't just ignore her all the time. She's not a bad person but I don't like these comments she makes. Now that she understands that I like having time to myself, I can keep my distance from her without offending her. If we hang out again it will be in a group situation.

Edited January 21, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

sorry to update this again. it just occurred to me that she said some other weird things to me.

 

- ''in the lunchroom the other day people were shocked at how you talked to me. they thought you were being grumpy. but i didn't really mind it''

 

(she put me on the spot by yelling at me if we were still going to hang out. she did this in front of people that i hadn't invited out with us.)

 

- ''people are asking what is going on with you like why are you sometimes normal and sometimes not. i just told them that's the way she is, blahblah''k

 

(I really haven't been feeling like myself lately so I guess this doesn't surprise me. But why does she feel the need to tell me this?)

 

- ''how come you and J don't hang out with each other even though you live down the street from each other?"

 

(now this just felt intrusive. i don't see why i should have to hang out with someone just because they live close to me.)

 

Anyway I felt like the underlying message of all this was that she accepts me even if other people don't. But as far as I can tell other people DO like me and accept me, even if my emotional distance bothers them sometimes.

 

Call me paranoid if you want but it feels like she is trying to make herself look like the one person who understands me, who stands up for me, who is my real friend. At the same time, and again I might be paranoid about this, but I think she sees me developing a friendship with someone else at work and she is seeking to make me question it (asking me why aren't I closer to that person?). Also when it comes to that one person I mentioned already, I think she is being possessive of him and can't stand the idea that he might like me. She wants me to know she matters more to him than I do. I mean, she basically told me that she thinks he only talks to me because she's too busy ignoring him. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she thinks he only talks to me because there is no one else! Like I'm his last choice! She also thinks he has been in a bad mood lately because of some random comment she made to him last month (I heard what it was and it wasn't bad at all, yet she thinks he is miserable because of what she said)

 

I noticed last month that she is possessive of her relationships with men so I guess I should have seen this coming. But all this stuff combined together is scaring me. Please tell me I'm not imagining it?

 

I'm calling one of my friends tomorrow to get her opinion. This is not normal.

Edited January 22, 2012 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

You need to set boundries with her and do it firmly but respectfully. Without going into details. The "I'm busy, got a lot going on in my life, thank you for your invite but I can't".

 

STOP explaining yourself to her! You don't have to and when she gets pushy, or as soon as you feel 'weird', leave. Be polite but subtle at the same time.

 

This girl has issues and she's dramatic. I'm sure others must see this in her!

 

Anyway, don't engage conversations about your personal life with her. She needs to learn boundries but since she isn't, you have to set them up and not let her cross your lines in the sand. Also, do your best not to take what she says to heart.. Don't let it bug you, it's so not worth it. Fake it until you believe it, just don't care either way..Be indifferent.

[freestyle]

Spiral Out---

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of crap---I've dealt with people asking intrusive, "no way out" questions and like you, for a long time, I felt like I *had to* explain, answer or justify. (& that I was being rude if I didn't)

 

I've finally come to understand that people who place themselves in the role of "The Interrogator" are in fact making a power play.They're placing themselves above you, in judgment of you. Often times it's done to gather ammunition to use against you, much like in a courtroom setting, when someone's on the witness stand.(it's called 'badgering ' in that context)

 

There's one sure fire way to turn that around.

Next time your 'friend' asks you an intrusive question, smile sweetly and ask,

 

"Why do you want to know?"

 

Asking her that, turns the tables, and the spotlight back onto her. My guess is that she'll end up squirming, stammering for a response.Perhaps she'll learn to think before she queries, if you counter with that response often enough.

 

I agree with WWIU, also---I would be very careful about sharing personal information with her---My experience with that personality type is that it will eventually get used against you.

[SpiralOut]

This girl has issues and she's dramatic. I'm sure others must see this in her!

 

Anyway, don't engage conversations about your personal life with her. She needs to learn boundries but since she isn't, you have to set them up and not let her cross your lines in the sand. Also, do your best not to take what she says to heart.. Don't let it bug you, it's so not worth it. Fake it until you believe it, just don't care either way..Be indifferent.

 

Thank you. Yes I am learning to be indifferent and just tell myself she is full of BS. She scares me because what if I were even lower in confidence than I am right now? I would probably believe what she says and turn into her little pupper or whatever it is she wants to do with me.

 

And yes I think other people can see she is dramatic. She plays the victim and when people try to explain the other person's side to her she doesn't want to hear it.

 

Spiral Out---

 

Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of crap---I've dealt with people asking intrusive, "no way out" questions and like you, for a long time, I felt like I *had to* explain, answer or justify. (& that I was being rude if I didn't)

 

I've finally come to understand that people who place themselves in the role of "The Interrogator" are in fact making a power play.They're placing themselves above you, in judgment of you. Often times it's done to gather ammunition to use against you, much like in a courtroom setting, when someone's on the witness stand.(it's called 'badgering ' in that context)

 

There's one sure fire way to turn that around.

Next time your 'friend' asks you an intrusive question, smile sweetly and ask,

 

"Why do you want to know?"

 

Asking her that, turns the tables, and the spotlight back onto her. My guess is that she'll end up squirming, stammering for a response.Perhaps she'll learn to think before she queries, if you counter with that response often enough.

 

I agree with WWIU, also---I would be very careful about sharing personal information with her---My experience with that personality type is that it will eventually get used against you.

 

Okay now THAT is something I can do easily, asking her why she wants to know.

 

Actually you know what, I think it will work because I did something similar the other night. She picked up her cell phone that night and decided "hey lets call this person and you (me) can talk to him." I thought that was the weirdest thing ever so Iasked her "Why??" and she didn't say anything. Then she asked me again, and again I asked her why. This happened several times before she finally gave up (without ever answering my question).

 

I was a bit drunk so I may have let down my guard and told her some things. About 95% of it is stuff I don't care if other people know about. It really does feel like she is gathering ammo from me whenever she questions me. She doesn't even care about getting to know me as a person; she ignores half the stuff I say unless it is something she specifically asked me.

 

Thankfully I spent most of the night just letting her talk about herself. It became pretty clear to me that she didn't want to talk about much of anything else.

 

I need to pull some confidence out of my ass or something because that's what's missing in this equation. I'll report back once I've made more progress with this.

[SpiralOut]

Okay so a few of us hung out the other night and she was there. She is closer to the other two people than she is with me so she hardly spoke a word to me all night. Which was a relief for me.

 

She got drunk and was incoherant much of the night. She mostly just complained about how so and so is such a jerk for not coming out with us. She is borderline obsessive about him, could not stop herself from sending him text messages and wanting to call him and so on. This is nothing new. She then said something odd about me. She said so-and-so is afraid of SpiralOut. The other two people had perplexed looks on their faces (which told me right away that what she said was totally untrue). I asked her to explain herself. She just said "I am not saying a word" (because there was nothing to tell me).

 

The other person made a comment about how so-and-so should be afraid of HER, not of SpiralOut. Which made me realize, she is projecting herself onto me. Either that, or she is making things up in her head about how she wishes things were then stating them out loud as facts and hoping that others believe it. The others do not believe her, thankfully.

 

Anyway it makes me feel better knowing that other people see a little bit of what is going on between me and her. I don't feel sorry for her anymore. She cries to get her way and when it didn't work on the one person (he left even though she asked him not to) she then proceeded to have a complete emotional meltdown. This might sound terrible but I am doubting how genuine it was. She was being quite dramatic.

 

I don't feel afraid of her anymore; actually I'm not even afraid to hurt her feelings. She is not so sweet and nice as she makes herself seem. I think I will be okay to set boundaries with her. It's not just for my own good, it's for HER own good too. I'll report back after I've had a chance to draw some lines.

 

Sorry if I sound like a bitch the way I am talking about her here. I am not impressed with how she tries to manipulate.

[freestyle]

Hey Spiral--

 

I see nothing wrong with venting about her here---this is a safe place to let it out....

 

Better to do it here, than to bash her to others in your circle of friends.

 

My theory is that these toxic personality types will eventually expose themselves, in a friend circle. You're safer sticking to the higher ground, and allowing others to reach their own conclusions.

 

It's very frustrating when someone projects the negative emotions/feelings/thoughts/attitudes (that they won't own themselves) onto you. I've had the same thing happen to me, this past year, so I know how it feels.

 

It sounds like your friend is the type who plays the victim as a power play..............Very, very toxic.

[SpiralOut]

Hey Spiral--

 

I see nothing wrong with venting about her here---this is a safe place to let it out....

 

Better to do it here, than to bash her to others in your circle of friends.

 

My theory is that these toxic personality types will eventually expose themselves, in a friend circle. You're safer sticking to the higher ground, and allowing others to reach their own conclusions.

 

Thank you. That's what I figured; I'll just keep my mouth shut unless anyone asks for my opinion and people can see for themselves. I will now refuse to hang out with her by myself. If she is going to say bad things to me, she will have no choice but to do it in front of others from now on.

 

She also sort of threatened me today. When she had her meltdown this weekend, I had no intention at all of saying anything to anyone about it. I do not gossip. She knows I don't like to be involved in gossip. I did not say anything to her about it on Monday. But she DID approach me and tell me that she acted horribly on Friday. I started to tell her "it was nothing, don't even worry about it" but she then continued on to tell me "oh it was horrible because I forgot to close the front door when I left"

 

WTF. I just said "okay then" and walked away. But her message to me was "you'd better not say anything."

 

I really don't appreciate that. She could have just asked me to please not say anything. But instead she decided to act all weird and cryptic on me.

 

She. Has. Problems.

 

*whew* I just had to get that out of my system.

[whichwayisup]

It's good others are really seeing the weird shi.t she's doing .. You handled it well. Just continue to be pleasent, but distant. Don't start ANY conversations with her (personal ones) or ask her about her day/weekend or anything. Keep it light, funny and casual. Just because she's a coworker, doesn't mean one has to be friends and talk.

[SpiralOut]

First of all, thank you for the encouragement. Whenever I start to feel crazy I come back to this thread and re-read the responses. I feel like she is trying to suck me into a world where how she acts is normal and I don't want that.

 

This week I had a set-back then another step forward. The step-back was losing my temper yesterday and telling her something work related that I would prefer to keep discreet. It's not a secret but I don't want it talked about too much. I lost my temper because she was gossiping to me (which I hate) and she said something that pushed a button. I'm upset with myself for not staying in control.

 

Today I had a step forward. At the end of the day she asked me if I had spoken to our boss yet (regarding what I told her yesterday). I told her yes I had. She asked what he said. I told her oh he said some stuff. She asked me again what did he say? I told her oh I didn't say anything about you if that's what you were wondering (she had asked me to mention something to him but I did not do it). She asked me again what did he tell me!! I finally told her "I would rather not say what he said but I spoke with him and we will see what happens." She did not look very happy about that but she accepted it. I feel that it is inappropriate to discuss personal conversations with my boss and it was unprofessional of her to even ask me. At the same time I guess I can see why she was confused when yesterday I told her stuff then today I did not. Anyway whatever. Yesterday was a slip-up.

 

I mentioned this woman to someone who works with special needs kids. I had a funny feeling that she might have seen this behaviour before. She told me that yes she had and that this woman is missing something. She told me precisely what I was suspecting; that she does not pick up on social cues.

 

Looks like I'll be doing some research into that.

[whichwayisup]

Keep telling yourself that you owe this woman NOTHING. She isn't a friend, she's a co worker, that's it. Don't talk to her about anything unless you need to and it's work stuff that is necessary.

 

You have the power, she doesn't! See how strong you feel when you shut her out or stand up to her?

[SpiralOut]

Keep telling yourself that you owe this woman NOTHING. She isn't a friend, she's a co worker, that's it. Don't talk to her about anything unless you need to and it's work stuff that is necessary.

 

You have the power, she doesn't! See how strong you feel when you shut her out or stand up to her?

 

Yes that's true. If she wanted so badly to stay friends why did she not talk to me after school was over? I don't like how she uses that (being old classmates) as a way of feeling like she knows me and is close to me. She does not know squat about what happened with me the year we did not talk.

 

It is ture that I feel stronger when I shut her out.

 

I have an image in my mind of myself being inside a castle or a house. She is outside the front door knocking and banging and yelling. Meanwhile, the people I get along with are smart enough to walk over to the open window and talk to me that way. If she cared about me at all she would go talk to me through the window and get to know me as a person before wanting to come inside. She just sees my outside and wants to get inside without realizing whose house exactly she's trying to get into.

 

Also there is another woman at work who was hired and I am SO HAPPY that she is there because she is normal. She is noticing this odd woman's behaviour and has actually made comments on it. I've been getting to know her and it is helping me to stay sane.

 

I have a meeting with my counsellor next week so I'll be mentioning this to her. Maybe she'll have resources for me on assertiveness training.

 

I'll report back once I've made more progress. I feel like I'm on the verge of something significant.

[SpiralOut]

I can't seem to edit the above post . . . .

 

I may be paranoid but the idea struck me tonight that she may be angry with me for not wanting to hang out with her. She always just expects me to want to, never seems tentative or unsure when asking me. If I say no she demands to know why. On the monday she will question me on what did I end up doing friday. It feels like i"m being cross-examined. Then one monday she asked me "did you sit at home?" so clearly she thinks that I do nothing. Even though I never told her any such thing. I just refuse to ever tell her what I do in my spare time because I hate how pushy she is with her questions. When I tell her no to hanging out she gets upset. It's like she thinks that I should jump at the chance to hang out with her. Then there was the time she directly asked me why don't I come out more often? Like that's any of her business!!

 

The other day she asked me if I am doing anything saturday. I told her yes and asked her why. She said "oh just in case. i'll text you." Umm okay? after she left my coworker said "just in case what, she has nothing better to do??"

 

I get the distinct impression that she sees me as being a socially inept person and that I "need to get out more." Even though half the time she talks, everyone in the room looks at each other totally confused or uncomfortable with what she says. And I may not talk as much as her but I have some good aquaintences that I never gossip with. But she gossips all the time, and will complain about others behind their back and be nice to their face. It's like she doesn't know how to treat people yet has the nerve to tell me I don't socialize enough. She's the one who is boring!! She never stops talking about herself and other people!!

 

Maybe this is another "projection" that she is doing with me that I'm just realizing now.

 

I could go on and on but I need to get this off my mind. I hate that she has taken up residence in my head. I hate that I am so close to feeling great about my life and this person is around me. I feel as though she is sabotaging me, intentionally or not I have no clue.

[whichwayisup]

Spiral, you're letting this nutjob control your thoughts and feelings, making you worry for nothing!! WHO CARES what she thinks! SO what if she thinks you're mad at her. Let her think whatever! You owe her NO explanation. If she prys about your weekend, little to no detail. 'hey, how was your weekend, what did you do?' - "It was fun, thanks for asking. Hey, I'm busy, need to get back to work, take care.." walk away..

 

Let her text you. Don't text her back. If she asks why you didn't text her back, just say I didn't have my phone on all weekend.

 

Everybody knows she isn't playing with a full deck of cards, so really try not to worry what others think. Trust me, they aren't going to listen to her if she says stuff behind your back. your work reputation is good, you have other friends who know you and won't let what she says change that. Try to put her out of your head, k.

[SpiralOut]

Yes I must put her out of my head.

 

I'm not upset about her. I'm upset with myself for not standing up to her more. That night when she had the nerve to completely out of nowhere bring up the subject of my ex-boyfriend like it was nothing should have been the night that I stood up, pretended to have to use the washroom, paid for my dinner and left her there with our other coworker.

 

Maybe that night I got stuck hanging out with her at the pub alone I should have done the same thing and just paid for my drinks and left her there all by herself. Which would have been really mean which was why I did not do it in spite of wanting so badly to just get up and walk away.

 

I wanted to again the night she came to my apartment with the other coworkers (they invited her, not me) she made a joke regarding me and my ex-boyfriend. But how do I leave my own apartment? And do I really kick her out for that or is that too extreme?

 

I am starting to feel manoevered into situations that make it hard for me to walk away from her. That one night I told her I didn't want to drink anymore and wanted to leave soon she just ordered herself some fries after I said that. Then she hardly ate them.

 

Would it have been too extreme for me to just get up and leave? Or ask her to get out?

 

I need to stop posting in here for a while. I'll be back in two weeks.

[ja123]

Bottomline is this, don't be friends with anybody who makes you feel bad about yourself. Life is too short to waste time, love, care and energy on someone who isn't worthy of your friendship.

 

I agree.

 

Check out Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail.

[SpiralOut]

Just a quick update.

 

I've been focusing on my life outside of work and I do not care so much anymore about what this chick thinks or feels regarding me. I think my problem before was taking my workplace relationships too seriously.

 

So far I have seen evidence of other people at work not liking her, or at least not liking the way she talks about others. Just the other day someone made a cryptic remark about how much she hates people who are nice to her face and stab her in the back. She was not speaking to me or about me but rather said this to the weird woman Jen right after Jen asked me "what are you doing tomorrow, SpiralOut?". I suspect she was trying to make some sort of point to her (possibly I am overanalysing things) so that was interesting.

 

She is predictable. Says hardly a word to me all week then on Thursday or Fridays will want to know what I am doing. She asks me in front of others "are you busy tonight?" I tell her yes I am busy. Then I walk away. No explanation. No apology. Let everyone see how pushy she is with me. I don't care if I look rude and I don't care if I have to miss out on group events in order to avoid this chick. She needs to get a life.

 

I've been making friends with another woman at work and I see the way Jen looks at me when she overhears the conversations I have. I suspect that it bothers her, but oh well..

 

Also mentioned it to my counsellor at my last session. She gave me some more ideas on what to try. This woman herself isn't the major problem, the main problem is my difficulty in standing up for myself. If I had met Jen even 10 years ago, I would have brushed her aside like she was nothing and never given her a second thought. The fact that she bothers me so much shows that I am not yet in a good place with my self-esteem.

 

So I am trying to look at this as a life lesson. I am sure there will be a day when Jen tries to ask me intrusive questions again (she hasn't lately) and I think I'm ready to deal with it. I'll post another update if anything interesting happens.

[SpiralOut]

Another update.

 

Today she tried to talk to me about our coworker who was fired on Friday. First of all she asked me if he had texted me afterwards. This pissed me off. She could have just asked "did you hear about blahblah?" instead of asking me did this person text you or speak to you. whatever. I just said "yes." and continued to do my work while she stood there. She told me about what he said to her and what she saw. I made some neutral comments about yes it was surprising and yes he seemed upset. She seemed to get the hint that I would not give her anymore information and she went back to work.

 

Tonight I went to run some errands. I should explain I don't live far from my workplace. I don't often run into coworkers but of course it makes sense when I do. I get on the bus, get off at my stop and am walking when I hear someone call my name. I ignore it. They call it again. I am not sure of who it is so I turn around and it is her. She is about a foot away and is calling to me, then sees me looking and runs to catch up.

 

She asks me where am I going. Oh it is late, what are you doing going there for? I give her short generic answers. Going to that place. Need to pick up some stuff. AGAIN she brings up the fired coworker. Now this guy was my work buddy so I am not in the mood to discuss this, especially not with her. At this point I am angry that this is all she is able to speak to me about. She asks me if I know what the boss fired him for. I tell her I do not know.

 

Actually, I do know how the conversation went because the work buddy texted me about it, but I do not feel like explaining this to her. I suspect that she knows just as much as me and wants to know how much I've been told. Frankly I do not care what she thinks. Let her think I know nothing. I have no desire to discuss this with her.

 

I walk slowly and let her walk ahead of me. We are taking the same bus so when we get to the next stop I tell her "I have to stop at this store first" (even though I did not really need to) and we say goodbye. She said it in a very distracted, yeah whatever goodbye, sort of way. She seemed to have picked up the hint that I do not care to talk to her; either that or she felt bored by my conversation.

 

The bright side is that she mentioned she might quit. I did not ask her any questions about that. If I did, she would probably feel that it gives her license to ask me whatever she wants. I suspect that is how her brain works; that if she confesses something to me, that I now must confess something to her. Sorry, but no.

 

Anyway that is my update. I felt like a coldhearted bitch acting that way but I do not have it in me to pretend to like someone I do not like. If she wants to be friends so badly she should have thought twice before insulting me, humiliating me and probing at me.

Edited February 28, 2012 by SpiralOut

[whichwayisup]

You handled things fantastic!!!! I'm really proud of you!

 

Sorry to hear about your co worker. And again, the way you handled that situation, brief and uninformed answers was perfect. Subtle and letting her know that you aren't talkin to her about it.

 

Don't feel bad or guilty for how you've acted towards her. That chick is NOT a friend, to anybody in the office. She's annoying pest who gossips and is wrapped up in drama!

 

As time goes on, this will get easier and easier until she won't bug you at all anymore.. It'll just be natural for you to half listen to her and nod once in a while, give brief words and walk away.

 

And not asking her about why she might leave is great too! Who cares what her reasons are.

[SpiralOut]

Thank you!! I am feeling proud of myself too

 

Also forgot to mention something I did a few weeks ago. Whenever I tell people about it they think it is hilarious, so I'll mention it here too for fun.

 

She has this habit of trying to make me do things for her that she has no business asking me to do. It didn't take me long (I don't think) to notice it after she started doing it.

 

Anyway, so she asked me one day to please do something a certain way because it makes things easier for her. It is a reasonable request, so I agree to do it. Now, our boss was helping us out with something so she noticed that he wasn't doing things the same way as me. She asked me to please ask him to do it that way too because it makes things easier for her. I said okay without really thinking.

 

When I went to tell him, it seemed like the wrong thing to do. Why does she want me to do that for her? She is on good terms with him. She sees him often enough she has time to do it herself. So I decide not to tell him. About a week later she asked me again and again I said yes. Perhaps I should have said no but I just have this habit of agreeing to do things. Again, I decided not to do it.

 

One day me, her, and our boss are in the same area at the same time. She left the room to do something else. The phone rings. It is her. She is asking me to please tell him to do that. But she was just there a couple minutes ago and she did not say anything to him! He is sitting right beside me so I cut her off in the middle of her sentence and say to her "he's right here if you'd like to speak to him" and passed the phone to him.

 

And she did it herself. And so many other people at work have been astonished by it and told her "I cannot believe you talked to him that way!!" She tries to argue with them, telling them oh SpiralOut was supposed to do it! But they don't even listen to her because they don't care about my part in it. It took several weeks at least for people to stop bringing it up to her. She got so mad whenever they did!

 

Anyway that is my little story. The only other issue I am having right now is that last week she was very rude to me. She literally laughed at me because I did not do something in the way she wanted it done, after she asked me to help her and I obliged. She did this in front of a delivery person who was helping our company with something. I dealt with it by walking away and letting myself become distracted by someone else who wanted my help. Someone else ended up helping her. The real kicker though is the way that she put her hand on my shoulder when she walked past me to go for her break. I was so surprised I did not know what to say but you bet your ass that next time it happens I will be telling her "please don't touch me." HOW DARE she have the nerve to touch me as if we are friends when she is ANYTHING BUT a friend to me. And she KNOWS that I am not a touchy person so that just adds to the insult.

 

I am looking forward to my next opportunity to put her in her place. It is going to feel so damn good. Next time something awesome happens I will post here about it.

[SpiralOut]

Had a small victory today.

 

In my department we have a policy of each person fixing their own problems. This is well known.

 

She is in a position where she can notice my problems and ask me to fix them. This is not supervisory in any way, but just the way the work flow goes. Anyway, I have noticed that whenever something of mine needs to be fixed she will ask no one else to do it but me. Which is fine. If I am on break she will hold onto it until I come back to give it to me. Which is also fine.

 

But there are two other people she sometimes needs to talk to. There is one of them she avoids talking to whenever she needs something fixed or done. So what does she do? She'll give it to me. One time I came back from break and there was a problem on my desk that wasn't even mine; she didn't even bother to ask the other girl while I was gone. She just left it for ME!

 

I've been getting fed up with this. I know the one woman can sometimes be rude, but I've got enough of my own work to do that I cannot be fixing someone else's problems all the time.

 

So today she came over and asked me to fix it. She whispered to me "it was done by so and so." I loudly told her "why don't you ask her then." I did not ask it as a question. I said it as a statement. She said oh ok (sounding unhappy) then went and did it.

 

It amuses me that she tries to boss me around so often, yet when I tell her to do something she just goes and does it. I don't think she is nearly as dominant or strong or assertive as she tries to be.

 

I'm sure I could make the theory that she tries to be in control of me so she can feel in control generally speaking but that might be overanalyzing it.

 

I felt a little mean doing that but it was necessary. Being too nice is what makes her think she can act however she wants towards me.

[whichwayisup]

You're firm, assertive, and setting boundries! ALL that is great!

 

You weren't mean, you were professional. She can't just rely on one person (you) when there are other people who she can ask to help her out.

 

You're gaining confidence by handling this so well! Be proud of yourself!!

[SpiralOut]

Thank you

 

If it weren't for LS I'm not sure how things would have gone. The few other people I've mentioned it to just said stuff like "she is lonely" or "she is jealous" but of course there is more to it than that. So thank you to everyone who responded to this thread

 

This whole experience is forcing me to re-find my faith in myself. If I don't believe in myself, I will believe what she says, which will give her what she wants and result in my self-esteem being lowered. And to think of all the moments when I almost took her seriously!

 

She must have seen that I was in a weakened state otherwise she never would have tried this bull**** on me. Too bad for her that I am stronger than I look.

 

Not sure if I mentioned that I put her on my "restricted" list on facebook so she can no longer see my updates and other information. That was a few weeks ago. If she has the nerve to ask me intrusive questions in person I can only imagine what she is doing with my information on a screen she can look at whenever she wants.

 

I suspect that at some point she will confront me about it, or mention it passive-aggressively. For now I am acting very cold towards her. I would prefer to be friendlier but whenever I act friendly she takes that as her cue to get in my face. I suspect that she is/will complain to others about how something is wrong with me for not being friendlier to her, because she is always so friendly to me and she has done nothing wrong blahblahblah. Good for her. She can make herself look even more stupid than she's already managed to do.

 

Just watching her put on her "i am so shy and sweet" act with others makes me feel sick. I've also noticed she has begun to engage in behaviours that make it look like she is trying to "outdo" me or at least keep pace with me regarding certain things.

 

Whew. That feels better.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you

 

You're so welcome. I'm really happy to have helped you and proud to see all seen all the efforts/changes you've done to stand up to her and become stronger around her, not let her push you around.

 

If it weren't for LS I'm not sure how things would have gone. The few other people I've mentioned it to just said stuff like "she is lonely" or "she is jealous" but of course there is more to it than that. So thank you to everyone who responded to this thread

 

Everyone you work with sees who she is, and what she's about.. I doubt they 'trust' her or feel she's sincere.

 

This whole experience is forcing me to re-find my faith in myself. If I don't believe in myself, I will believe what she says, which will give her what she wants and result in my self-esteem being lowered. And to think of all the moments when I almost took her seriously!

 

Never let ANYBODY make you feel bad, weak or insecure about yourself.

 

She must have seen that I was in a weakened state otherwise she never would have tried this bull**** on me. Too bad for her that I am stronger than I look.

 

Woohoo! Exactly. She can't get to you anymore because you learned how to fend for yourself and not let her pull that sh.t on you..

 

Not sure if I mentioned that I put her on my "restricted" list on facebook so she can no longer see my updates and other information. That was a few weeks ago. If she has the nerve to ask me intrusive questions in person I can only imagine what she is doing with my information on a screen she can look at whenever she wants.

 

I'm glad you did this. And yeah if she has the nerve to ask you about why she's on restricted access (change it too so she can't see your friends list, and any new photos you put up, make sure she can't see those either), just tell her that you like to keep your personal life and work life separate. No other explanation necessary.

 

I suspect that at some point she will confront me about it, or mention it passive-aggressively. For now I am acting very cold towards her. I would prefer to be friendlier but whenever I act friendly she takes that as her cue to get in my face. I suspect that she is/will complain to others about how something is wrong with me for not being friendlier to her, because she is always so friendly to me and she has done nothing wrong blahblahblah. Good for her. She can make herself look even more stupid than she's already managed to do.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and let her complain to others. They aren't stupid and they see how she is..They see her as drama and a pain in the ass! lol.

 

Just watching her put on her "i am so shy and sweet" act with others makes me feel sick. I've also noticed she has begun to engage in behaviours that make it look like she is trying to "outdo" me or at least keep pace with me regarding certain things.

 

Whew. That feels better.

 

She's probably jealous of you and that's another reason why she does those thiings.

 

Venting is good!!

[SpiralOut]

Thank you . . .

 

The funny thing is not everyone sees through her act. There are two people who seem to enjoy her company, which surprises me because these two people are very happy and well-adjusted as far as I can tell. They have seen very little of the behaviour that Jen shows towards me. The one woman is 100% oblivious to the fact that I don't like Jen; if anything she thinks we are friends!

 

She has been leaving me alone this week. There is another woman in my department that I'm becoming friends with. Jen has shifted her attention over to her; hopefully she won't act like a jerk towards this person too. I am feeling more and more comfortable at work, though still keeping my guard up.

 

I worry that some of Jen's negativity may have attached itself to me. I used to try to see the best in her despite how mean she was being to me. Today I caught myself wishing bad things for her. The amount of stress that she caused for me makes me hope that she gets what she deserves. I don't want to feel that way. It makes me just as bad as her.

 

I see now what was going on. Someone here pointed it out already but now I REALLY see it. She never saw me as a threat before. She liked me and felt safe around me because she on some level thought she was above me. I made changes in my life and suddenly she saw me as competition. Competition for what, exactly, I'm not sure. So she tried to pull me back down.

 

I see now that she did NOT like it when people showed more attention to me than to her. That's when her worst insults and jabs towards me came out - when she wanted to be paid attention to but I was the center of attention instead. Which I can see how that might be annoying; I'm pretty sure I interrupted her sometimes. But that's not an excuse to put me down. There are other ways of dealing with people who hog the spotlight or whatever. Except that I don't think I hogged the spotlight too much really, I mean most of what I said were just jokes to make people laugh. It's not like I sat there and talked for 30 minutes about personal stuff that happened years and years ago (that's HER specialty)

 

I am taking another step back to get my mind off of this. I have people to see and things to do. It should help me to forget all about her and hopefully go back to the beginning when I paid no attention to her at all.