Boyfriend's best friend is a bit of a jerk, boyfriend takes his side.

[Rosa Tamora]

Do you lot actually think he threatened to stab her in the eye?

 

What he said is the equivalent of a well-intentioned "Hey... if you say that again I'll have no choice but to kick your ass!" between friends. There is no violent intent, and the idea that there might be is laughable.

 

Being offended by something is a choice. Being offended by something clearly meant in humour is just uptight.

 

Andy,

Thanks for your input. I know the "stab in the eye" comment was just a joke. But why talk about throwing s*** in my face? That is the part that I didn't find funny. The stabbing in the eye is probably the same as "I'll kick yer ass" jesting, but what's this talk about throwing s*** in my face?

Thats the part I didn't lol about.

Sorry. I try to the what is funny in that, just not laughing. If your friend talked about throwing **** in your girls face, and she looked taken aback, you'd laugh at her? Right?

[Rosa Tamora]

What exactly did you say to him? Was it rude or a personal attack?

 

 

I don't remember. HOnestly I was doodling on my laptop and he walked in while my bf and I were watching football on TV. He said something and I just mumbled something back, or disagreed with him and he responded that way.

 

I honestly don't recall.

[Rosa Tamora]

That is just tasteless though. I don't see any humour in that, and I'm sure most other people wouldn't either. As a guy I joke around with my friends a lot but have never heard anything like this before. It just screams low class and low intelligence.

 

Right right! I mean, i joke about "kicking my friend's ass" now and then.

But never "I will take a s*** in your eye"

Whoa. What?

[Rosa Tamora]

When someone is saying something that bothers me I let them know I'm not up for their BS.

 

You're going about it the wrong way - if this jerk offends you it's unwise to accept it and then bug your boyfriend about it later. Next time he makes a comment about flinging sh*t in your eye or something like that you tell him he's out of line. And you tell him you're tolerating that....tell him in front of your boyfriend.

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

Noted. I will. The only reason I went through my bf is because....they have known each other for a long time. I didn't want to step on any toes. I don't know. Maybe I'm retarded for not going to J directly, i guess I should have. I honestly didn't think it would become such an issue. I thought they would have a conversation like this:

 

BF: hey dude, quit being a d*** to my girl

J: What? Geez. ok fine. Whatever. You're full of s***

 

I just hesitated because I was not sure how J would react to me calling him out on his behaviour. So I talked to bf, thinking he would have my back.

[Rosa Tamora]

If I was out with my boyfriend + another friend, and we were planning on moving in together...

 

First off, I would never move in with another friend when I'm planning on living with a boyfriend. That is just awkward. 3somes...noway

 

Second, if she said, "...I'll stab him in the eye," I would go WTF? Where did these violent tendencies come from? Women rarely even say, "I'll kick you in the ass," much less other, more imaginative forms of violence...They usually say, "Aww that's mean," or "Don't say that again!" with a giggle or a cute, feminine, half-hearted slap.

 

Third, if my boyfriend had issues with aspects of her behavior, I would ask her to stop, and probably hang with them separately instead of together. I would also DEFINITELY not move in with both of them! Because I'll just turn into a middlewoman in between two bickering friends... and drama sucks.

 

Right. And even if I DID joke about kicking my buddy's a** it will be someone I've known for long time, someone I have an established relationship with. So they know it's ok, it's in humor.

[Rosa Tamora]

It's true that you can't control someone, or change him/her. It may be that this is just this dude's way of talking.

 

That said, your BF and his friend also shouldn't be trying to change you. Telling you that you'll just have to deal with it is also not OK. There ought to be compromise here.

 

And that is why you should NOT move in with them. You've only been dating this guy since June; the fact is, you don't really know him. And his friend brings out a side of him that you hadn't seen before, and aren't crazy about. That doesn't make him wrong, but it is clearly a compatibility issue. I think you should really hold off on moving in with him until you have a clearer sense of who he is. You don't want to be in a situation where you're trapped in a house with no escape.

 

In this ONE very limited respect I actually agree with Wolf - don't hang around them together if you don't like hanging around them together. Functionally, that means DON'T move in with them. Continue to date your BF if you think there's still connection there, but be cautious and take your time. Don't force it. Give yourself space as much as him.

 

And please remember that you DO have the option to set your own boundary - you don't want to hang out with this one friend of his, you certainly don't have to. Doesn't mean you talk smack about him, or insult him, or try to come between your boyfriend and him. Just means that YOU don't hang out with him.

 

If your BF can't understand this boundary, or won't accept it, that's something else to think about.

 

Thanks so much. You give sound advice.

I understand people are just the way they are. I am the way I am. And currently i don't find much humor when people talk about throwing s*** in my eye. It's funny to THEM, but I stood there feeling a little lost, not laughing. I have a pretty good sense of humor, I am certainly not a priss either.

I'm not interested in startting a war or conflict between people or come between best friends either. That is why it took me a while to decide to finally talk to my bf about this, because I didn't want to make a big deal out of something until I was really sure. I know my boundaries well, and I don't really want to hear people talk about throwing crap at my face, especially someone I barely know, or hear him talk about my boyfriend's sexual past. In FRONT of me! lol! No thanks!

 

So on the behaviour side. I did not put J down. All i asked was that he take it down a notch or two, please. I didn't say my upbringing was better than his or whatever. But for my bf to come back and tell me "it's time for you to get over it"....that was unexpected and really hurt me. Now the focus shifted from J being a prick to me to my bf being a jerk.

[Rosa Tamora]

I'd laugh and tell her to go ahead and do it, but then I don't get my panties in bunch like you do. You seem to take life so seriously. You need to lighten up a bit I think.

 

But see, here is the thing. Men/ guys are alright with this type of humor. I guess sometimes some girls/ women are not. It depends who this joke is coming from: an old friend who you've known for a while vs. a person you just met 3 months ago.

[Rosa Tamora]

I couldn't really care about any of that if I am honest.

 

I feel her boyfriend should have pulled his mate up on what he said, I would have done that, it scores brownie points with your girlfriend and not only that it's the right thing to do.

 

As I say the OP didn't tell us what he said her boyfriend's just before he came out with that comment, so she has left something which could be important out of her story. Maybe it doesn't fit in with her "I'm so small, cute and innocent".

 

I can swear on my life that whatever I said to him was nothing degrading or insulting. I always try to be nice to him because he is my bf's best bud. Why would I try to be a bitch to him? I am not the one to insult people for no reason. I was sitting there, doodling on laptop, bf and I were watching football, J walks in, wants to use the PC, says something to me, and I mumbled something back in response and got the "I'll fling s*** in your eye" That is what I looked up and paid attention.

Sorry, I really don't recall what I even said to bring that on.

[Rosa Tamora]

OP, ignore the gender wars going on in this thread and go with your gut instinct. What does it tell you? Are some red flags flying? If you think there are (I think so, too), don't ignore them. And DEFINITELY don't move together if you mind your own sanity!!

 

I see it this way: it seems to me that your BF's friend is single (well, I hope so!!!). So he either resents his buddy having a loving GF and/or the fact he can't take your BF on men's nights out anymore (and act like they're single douche-bags). He doesn't like you. Why? Because to him you are an OBSTACLE. To him YOU are the 3rd person in the relationship between HIM and your BF! This thing happens and is not uncommon.

 

I also wonder about the conversation that went on between him and your BF. Obviously he's quite manipulative. Have you asked your BF the exact conversation? The words he used? (I'm betting he used more demeaning words to describe you and also encouraged your BF not to be a male doormat but be more... macho and stand up to you). It'd be interesting to hear how this went on.

 

Just put a halt on any plans on moving together for now; (whose crazy idea was this by the way)? Re-evaluate your relationship. It's too early to have problems already!

 

PS: In my country, we have an old wise proverb that fits your situation (and your BF's friend"): "Show me your friend, so I can tell you who you really are").

 

My bf had an tough life growing up and he is hardshelled, he won't listen to anyone's advice, but I don't know if he listens to his best bud and I'm not sure what J is saying about me behind my back. So the conversation that went on according to BF was like this:

 

BF: "I spoke to J about this and asked him to take it down a notch and yeah, he's confused why you took it to heart and we both think you're making a big deal out of nothing. He was quoting a line from a movie. He doesn't hate you or nothing. He's cool with you"

 

Me: what movie? I don't know what movie he is referring too otherwise I woudl have maybe laughed too, but I obviously dont, so I don't get the joke. I don't have anything much against J either, just that he says really crappy things to me sometimes.

 

BF: Well yeah. Anyway, time for you to get over it

 

Me: What??

[Rosa Tamora]

Oh come on, human interaction isn't all literal. Tone and mood have a lot to do with it.

 

Your draconian speech curbing proposal could apply to about a million cultural metaphors or statements. Next time some girls take a pic of herself with drinks and write on their facebook "WE'RE ALCOHOLICS", I'm going to suggest AA for them

 

 

Wolf, you're right. I agree with you that human interaction isn't all literal. But can you sorta see my point that something this person said to me has made me upset...and I've put up with it for months now. I mean, this is the same guy who when I'm trying to have a conversation with my bf when we're hanging out outside, just cuts in and goes "ooh look at that chick dude she has no bra on!" Or "oh you remember that time you were in bed in the the next room with so and so and I could hear you guys giggling so loud and then you popped over for a condom?? Remember that?"

All this in front of me.

What the heck. I am not chopped liver! I am trying to talk to my boyfriend. When he talks to my bf I don't go all interrupting-cow on him.

I put up with this for a while now.

 

So about compromise. I can "lighten up" if he cuts back on his obnoxious behaviour. It shouldn't be all on me to "lighten up", "Get over it". I can get along with a TON of people from different walks of life, backgrounds, ethnicities. I think that speaks volumes about my level of patience with people! I'm not trying to be narcisistic here, just want to give a little background on myself.

 

Obviously if I saw the same movie J saw, maybe I might have "gotten it" you know? But I didn't.

[make me believe]

Wow, I think you need to seriously take to heart your boyfriend's reaction to all of this. I guarantee you that if one of my husband's friends said he was going to stab me in my eye and fling sh*t in my face, my husband would make it extremely clear to his friend that he is not to talk to me like that EVER again. I can't imagine any decent guy just standing there while his friend is so disrespectful to his gf, even if he is "joking." Honestly, I think that your boyfriend's friend is a reflection of your bf. But you have only been with your bf for 4 months so he is probably still on good behavior with you, and you still have your rose tinted glasses on.

 

Bottom line is he won't REALLY stand up for you to his friend. It still comes down to your bf telling you that you're making a big deal out of nothing, you're over-reacting, and you need to get over it. And you are already considering moving in with him???? After only FOUR MONTHS?? AND his douchebag friend? I would advise you to seriously reconsider that!!! It sounds like a HUGE mistake. A couple should never live with a 3rd party in my opinion, especially someone as douchey as this guy, AND you haven't been with your bf nearly long enough to make such a big decision.