Boyfriend's best friend is a bit of a jerk, boyfriend takes his side.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Wolf18

Oh jeez the controlling hens are out in full force....

 

Said the bitter angry rooster who was picked over for more appetizing fair.

 

So when women are around men should they keep their thoughts to themselves when a "hot guy" passes by or when they want to talk about how "hot" so and so celebrity is? Because they do it all the time. If not it's a double standard.

 

When I am out with my man I don't go "damn, look at that man!" Neither do I talk over him in any respect.

 

The guy is saying so and so woman is hot, not her boyfriend. What the hell is it to the OP what her boyfriends friend's opinion of women is?

 

When you are in a group of people, it's just common social curtesy to not talk over them. This is something even 5 year olds have mastered.

 

When you know a friend of yours has a boyfriend or girlfriend that is right there beside them, it's just again, comon social curtesy to not act like you are out with just the guys or just the girls.

 

People have different opinions, if you don't like them either debate them or ignore them, this is a free country

.

 

I think what you really mean is "ignore" them because the whole basis of your post is you have an issue with her opinion on the matter. Why don't you practice what you preach Wolf..ignore the thread if you don't like it.

 

You could argue that his friends opinions reflect his own as much as you can argue his girlfriends opinions do. Maybe he's in between.

 

In 98% of the cases men pick men that reflect their own interests and how they relate to the world. It's not rocket science.

 

His buddy doesn't seem to have an issue with the nagging of OP..

 

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you had been in the same room with the OP and her boyfriend when she had the conversations she did with him on th subject.

 

 

If a woman I'm dating tried to come in between us or was all self-righteous about them I'd laugh her out of my life.

 

I don't think you will ever have to worry about that problem.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Do you lot actually think he threatened to stab her in the eye?

 

What he said is the equivalent of a well-intentioned "Hey... if you say that again I'll have no choice but to kick your ass!" between friends. There is no violent intent, and the idea that there might be is laughable.

 

Being offended by something is a choice. Being offended by something clearly meant in humour is just uptight.

 

I have never heard someone use the phrase that they would stab someone in the eye in "humour". Further, it's clear these two aren't friends. "I'll kick your ass" is a standard cliche phrase while stabbing someone in the eye just isn't and it is a rather creepy comment to make. Lastly, I bet he never said such a phrase to her boyfriend yet he felt it all right to say to her. How would you react if your woman's girlfriend said to you "I'm gonna kick you in the balls!" Now we can sit here and justify such idoicy on "oh they were just joking". Or we can be honest about what is really happening here.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I hate to bring up the men vs women thing that I really am trying to get away from but I have to wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed.

 

No, you don't hate to bring up the man vs woman thing at all. Don't say things you don't mean. You live for it. Which is why you have not nearly the passion or respect or equality for the OPs situation as you would had it been something that happened to a man.

 

Further, it didn't happen to a man. It happened to a woman. So either respond to the situation as it was respresented or don't say anything at all. Take your gender wars to threads that actually are about gender wars. Not someone coming here looking for help with her boyfriend and his friend. That's completely selfish of you. Not to mention chalked full of bullsh*t because all you want to talk about is some hypothetical situation if something like this happenend to a man and could care less about what the OP is dealing with as a woman in the actual situation that happened.

[soserious1]

No, you don't hate to bring up the man vs woman thing at all. Don't say things you don't mean. You live for it. Which is why you have not nearly the passion or respect or equality for the OPs situation as you would had it been something that happened to a man.

 

Further, it didn't happen to a man. It happened to a woman. So either respond to the situation as it was respresented or don't say anything at all. Take your gender wars to threads that actually are about gender wars. Not someone coming here looking for help with her boyfriend and his friend. That's completely selfish of you. Not to mention chalked full of bullsh*t because all you want to talk about is some hypothetical situation if something like this happenend to a man and could care less about what the OP is dealing with as a woman in the actual situation that happened.

 

I agree 100% !

 

OP this situation is a red flag, you clearly don't like your boyfriend's buddy & he clearly doesn't like you. This kind of

thing is usually best managed by having your BF spend time with his buddy alone. I think the idea of sharing an apt with this guy is a setup for a disaster.

[vsmini]

When someone is saying something that bothers me I let them know I'm not up for their BS.

 

You're going about it the wrong way - if this jerk offends you it's unwise to accept it and then bug your boyfriend about it later. Next time he makes a comment about flinging sh*t in your eye or something like that you tell him he's out of line. And you tell him you're tolerating that....tell him in front of your boyfriend.

 

Stand up for yourself.

[WhiteChocolate]

I hate to bring up the men vs women thing that I really am trying to get away from but I have to wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed.

If I was out with my boyfriend + another friend, and we were planning on moving in together...

 

First off, I would never move in with another friend when I'm planning on living with a boyfriend. That is just awkward. 3somes...noway

 

Second, if she said, "...I'll stab him in the eye," I would go WTF? Where did these violent tendencies come from? Women rarely even say, "I'll kick you in the ass," much less other, more imaginative forms of violence...They usually say, "Aww that's mean," or "Don't say that again!" with a giggle or a cute, feminine, half-hearted slap.

 

Third, if my boyfriend had issues with aspects of her behavior, I would ask her to stop, and probably hang with them separately instead of together. I would also DEFINITELY not move in with both of them! Because I'll just turn into a middlewoman in between two bickering friends... and drama sucks.

[shayla]

As his friend, yes. If he says something that is inappropriate, or disrespectful, it is up to him to put his friend in check. If he feels that his girfriend should get over it, then perhaps she should step back and let them be together, it's obvious that they are more compatible than she is with him!

 

Any man that would stand idly by while another man threatens to stab his girlfriend, does not deserve to have her. And any woman that stays with a man that doesn't respect her, can expect this kind of treatment for the rest of the relationship.

 

If she moves in with them, I see that as a disaster in the making.

[Andy_K]

I have never heard someone use the phrase that they would stab someone in the eye in "humour". Further, it's clear these two aren't friends. "I'll kick your ass" is a standard cliche phrase while stabbing someone in the eye just isn't and it is a rather creepy comment to make. Lastly, I bet he never said such a phrase to her boyfriend yet he felt it all right to say to her.

 

"Stab you in the eye" and "Stab you in the face" are both cliché phrases, albeit mostly internet/geekdom based ones. A bit like threating to "cut your heart out with a spoon", which is a cult phrase originating from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood film. I can see how they might be more offensive if you don't recognise the phrase, but it doesn't change that there is no malicious intent behind them.

 

How would you react if your woman's girlfriend said to you "I'm gonna kick you in the balls!" Now we can sit here and justify such idoicy on "oh they were just joking". Or we can be honest about what is really happening here.

 

I'd laugh! What else would I do, get offended? I have female friends who have said they'd slap me or kick me in the nuts (I suppose that may not surprise you). I wouldn't in a million years consider them threatening or violent.

 

The context and intent of this kind of thing far outweighs the actual words used.

[serial muse]

It's true that you can't control someone, or change him/her. It may be that this is just this dude's way of talking.

 

That said, your BF and his friend also shouldn't be trying to change you. Telling you that you'll just have to deal with it is also not OK. There ought to be compromise here.

 

And that is why you should NOT move in with them. You've only been dating this guy since June; the fact is, you don't really know him. And his friend brings out a side of him that you hadn't seen before, and aren't crazy about. That doesn't make him wrong, but it is clearly a compatibility issue. I think you should really hold off on moving in with him until you have a clearer sense of who he is. You don't want to be in a situation where you're trapped in a house with no escape.

 

In this ONE very limited respect I actually agree with Wolf - don't hang around them together if you don't like hanging around them together. Functionally, that means DON'T move in with them. Continue to date your BF if you think there's still connection there, but be cautious and take your time. Don't force it. Give yourself space as much as him.

 

And please remember that you DO have the option to set your own boundary - you don't want to hang out with this one friend of his, you certainly don't have to. Doesn't mean you talk smack about him, or insult him, or try to come between your boyfriend and him. Just means that YOU don't hang out with him.

 

If your BF can't understand this boundary, or won't accept it, that's something else to think about.

[carhill]

I don't feel like moving in with these two.

 

Good instinct. Continue dating if the balance is positive. Watch how, irrespective of nebulous phrases, BF treats you.

 

Perhaps I'm from a different generation but, if I ever spoke to any of my male friend's wives like that, I'd get my teeth shoved back in my head by the husbands. That's my world. Yours may be different. Good luck.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

"Stab you in the eye" and "Stab you in the face" are both cliché phrases, albeit mostly internet/geekdom based ones. A bit like threating to "cut your heart out with a spoon", which is a cult phrase originating from Kevin Costner's Robin Hood film. I can see how they might be more offensive if you don't recognise the phrase, but it doesn't change that there is no malicious intent behind them.

 

You know what's twisted about your comment, is that you expect the person to reorganize themselves to accomdate the person saying something as creepy and disturbed as stabbing them in the eye and you are making excuses and justifications for the person that actually has said the phrase and showcased certain behavior that clearly is disrespectful to the OP. That's is so bleeped up.

 

Cult phrases are specific to a subculture, not nearly akin to a socially accepted teasing phrase. Threatening to stab someone in the eye or face, or whatever body part you want to choose is NOT anywhere close to two friends joking about kicking each other's asses. Further, you pretend that you know the context with which the phrase was said. We are not talking about two friends with a history of teasing one another. Which is usually the only people you would say such things to. We are talking a girlfriend and her boyfriend's friend who has displayed a number or rude and inconsiderate behavior to her repeatidly. It's even rude and inconsiderate enough that her very boyfriend admits it's rude and even justifies it by saying that's just "how this friend is". Her own boyfriend admits that his behavior is rude. But please, pray continue in defending men that threaten to stab and throw crap in their friend's girlfriend's eyes by telling yourself it's all unicorns and rainbows between them despite through the OP's post that there are numerous displays of disrespect toward her.

 

 

I'd laugh! What else would I do, get offended? I have female friends who have said they'd slap me or kick me in the nuts (I suppose that may not surprise you). I wouldn't in a million years consider them threatening or violent.

 

We aren't talking about friends though are we. This woman and her boyfriend's buddy don't appear to be friends at all.

 

How about if a woman, who wasn't your friend but was the friend of your girlfriend said, "I am gonna stab you in the balls?"

 

The context and intent of this kind of thing far outweighs the actual words used.

 

Context does matter. That is why the situation percludes a bad one for the OP. Except you want to pretend everyone is best friends and it's all good hearted teasing when what it really is some creepy dude saying things like he is going to stab a girl in the eye. A girl he isn't friends with and clearly has treated rudely numerous times. I don't know what kind of people you hang out with but none of the men I know say things like "i'm going to stab you in the eye" to their buddies or their friends that are girl. They might do things like raz each other for their sport team loosing a game and stuff like that but seriously, saying something like throwing crap or stabbing someone in the eye is NOT a regular phrase and it's down right disturbed and really rather creepy.

[Wolf18]

Said the bitter angry rooster who was picked over for more appetizing fair.

[/Quote]

 

And one of the hens is on her .

 

When I am out with my man I don't go "damn, look at that man!" Neither do I talk over him in any respect.

 

[/Quote]

 

She didn't say her boyfriend did it, just her boyfriend's friend. If you have never done that, then congratulations mother theresa. You see no evil, hear no evil, or speak no evil. The rest of the world however, isn't like you.

 

When you know a friend of yours has a boyfriend or girlfriend that is right there beside them, it's just again, comon social curtesy to not act like you are out with just the guys or just the girls.

 

[/Quote]

 

Why should anyone care? The typical female friends of a woman are usually working overtime to sabotage a man's relationship and image if he doesn't fit the narrow female idea of a man, I've seen it happen time and time again. Way worse than making a few tasteless jokes, and I'm sure not only you wouldn't mind that but probably do it yourself (especially if you're fat).

 

I think what you really mean is "ignore" them because the whole basis of your post is you have an issue with her opinion on the matter. Why don't you practice what you preach Wolf..ignore the thread if you don't like it.

[/Quote]

 

I choose the debate option. I would suggest she start developing a more tolerable personality or she's going to be one of those hot young women that is over the hill that suddenly becomes invisible to the world and doesn't know why .

 

In 98% of the cases men pick men that reflect their own interests and how they relate to the world. It's not rocket science.

 

[/Quote]

 

Not really. My best friend is a hard line communist, I'm anything but.

 

BTW all men like to leer at women, that's not just the OP's nemesis. If you think this is omgz "demeaning" to women, then you're going to have to become a lesbo . Even the most phoney, fake nice guy mangina among your orbiters has dirty thoughts about women he sees on the street

 

HEY HEY, HO HO , MENTAL RAPE HAS GOT TO GO

 

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you had been in the same room with the OP and her boyfriend when she had the conversations she did with him on th subject.

 

[/Quote]

 

I can smell an uncomprimising nag from a mile away.

 

I don't think you will ever have to worry about that problem. [/Quote]

 

Ohhhhh Snap.

 

 

Just wait until you turn 40 and suddenly nobody thinks you're funny or intelligent anymore, maybe that'll take you down from your high horse . And maybe you will grow a personality at the same time. Or better yet, become a spinster with a room in her house dedicated to her cat.

Edited October 12, 2011 by Wolf18

[verhrzn]

I'd laugh and tell her to go ahead and do it, but then I don't get my panties in bunch like you do. You seem to take life so seriously. You need to lighten up a bit I think.

 

You'd laugh because you haven't grown up feeling threatened and intimidated by people who are bigger and stronger than you. A lot of guys have such difficulty wrapping their minds around threats of violence because they haven't actually been threatened, and if they have, they can pull out their Macho routine.

 

Try, just try, imagining yourself as smaller, physically not as strong, and easily overpowered. Violence from men is a VERY real thing to women. The boyfriend's friend could easily carry out such a threat... And thus it isn't "just a joke." It's why women also "get their panties into a bunch" over guys joking that they'll "totally rape them"... BECAUSE THEY COULD. Because violence and rape against women by men in this culture is a VERY REAL THING.

 

And even if it IS a joke to the guy, it's NOT a joke to the OP. Why should he get to continue to act in a way she finds at best disrespectful and at worst threatening, and somehow SHE has to change to be "less uptight"?

[zengirl]

I've been dating my guy since June this year and in July his best friend moved up to our state to find a job here. It's been rather difficult at times because his best friend J has a pretty crass and vulgar sense of humor. When the 3 of us hang out, he makes alot of comments about women he sees on the streets, or while I'm talking he will tell my bf "oooh check out that chick that short skirt! Hooooweeeeh". Just little obnoxious things like that.

 

That seems like it could be brushed off as just a "him being him." But the actual statements towards you are a bit uncalled for.

 

I would suggest NOT moving in with them. But I also wonder, do you ever tell the friend yourself that you don't like the things he says to you. I think it's unfair to expect someone, even a SO, to be your complete buffer and go-between if you all hang out together. That's just my take. I might mention it to my SO first, but if something were directed at me that I felt was uncalled for---like the stab in the eye "joke"--- I would ask the person, myself, not to address me that way. I think it's unfair to ask your boyfriend to ask him not to address you that way. At the same time, if your BF knows you two have different personalities, he is being unfair expecting you guys to live together and hang out that much.

[carhill]

The guy version would be a .40 pointed at your nuts and the clip is out but you don't know whether there's a round chambered and the verbiage is 'I could blow your nuts off right now'.

 

I can tell you I got nervous enough this weekend with a friend loading and de-loading his .40 while drinking and trying to convince me to build him a silencer (which I never would do) for it. I finally suggested breaking it down so I could see the barrel and I pocketed that for the rest of the evening.

 

There's levels. The OP is entitled to her perspective. If that makes she and her BF incompatible, it does. If it makes her incompatible with a segment of the male population, it does. She'll own that.

[Wolf18]

You'd laugh because you haven't grown up feeling threatened and intimidated by people who are bigger and stronger than you. A lot of guys have such difficulty wrapping their minds around threats of violence because they haven't actually been threatened, and if they have, they can pull out their Macho routine.

 

Try, just try, imagining yourself as smaller, physically not as strong, and easily overpowered. Violence from men is a VERY real thing to women. The boyfriend's friend could easily carry out such a threat... And thus it isn't "just a joke." It's why women also "get their panties into a bunch" over guys joking that they'll "totally rape them"... BECAUSE THEY COULD. Because violence and rape against women by men in this culture is a VERY REAL THING.

 

And even if it IS a joke to the guy, it's NOT a joke to the OP. Why should he get to continue to act in a way she finds at best disrespectful and at worst threatening, and somehow SHE has to change to be "less uptight"?

 

Oh come on, human interaction isn't all literal. Tone and mood have a lot to do with it.

 

Your draconian speech curbing proposal could apply to about a million cultural metaphors or statements. Next time some girls take a pic of herself with drinks and write on their facebook "WE'RE ALCOHOLICS", I'm going to suggest AA for them

[Fondue]

You've dated him for a few months.

 

He's known his friend for (what I presume,) many years.

 

I don't think you're above him on his scale of priorities at this point. I don't think you have leverage on your boyfriend against that friend. I would simply not move in with the two of them.

[tinktronik]

The guy version would be a .40 pointed at your nuts and the clip is out but you don't know whether there's a round chambered and the verbiage is 'I could blow your nuts off right now'.

 

I can tell you I got nervous enough this weekend with a friend loading and de-loading his .40 while drinking and trying to convince me to build him a silencer (which I never would do) for it. I finally suggested breaking it down so I could see the barrel and I pocketed that for the rest of the evening.

 

There's levels. The OP is entitled to her perspective. If that makes she and her BF incompatible, it does. If it makes her incompatible with a segment of the male population, it does. She'll own that.

 

Well said. As usual.

 

Your weekend makes me feel edgy.

[fortyninethousand322]

I've been dating my guy since June this year and in July his best friend moved up to our state to find a job here. It's been rather difficult at times because his best friend J has a pretty crass and vulgar sense of humor. When the 3 of us hang out, he makes alot of comments about women he sees on the streets, or while I'm talking he will tell my bf "oooh check out that chick that short skirt! Hooooweeeeh". Just little obnoxious things like that.

I"ve commented on his behaviour to my boyfriend and how it sometimes is a little too much for me. I'm from a pretty reserved upbringing and I'm not used to this type of behaviour.

Initially my guy would agree that J is a little too much at times but would give reasons and assure me that he will get better.

Yesterday the last straw for me was when J said (or joked) that he would stab me in the eye in response to something I said, then followed up by saying he will fling **** in my eye. I don't feel like I deserve this, joking or not. I have only known this guy for less than 4 months, I don't understand why he thinks its ok to talk to me like this.

 

Finally I told my bf about this and that it bothers me and he needs to talk to J and tell him to tone it down abit. The 3 of us are supposed to move into an apartment together in November and I just want to establish healthy boundaries. Bf said "Ok fine. I don't see what the big deal is, but I can talk to him. That is just how he is though".

He talks to J about this, but then comes back to tell me they BOTH agree that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's upsetting to me because this guy is disrespectful towards me, and my bf totally is taking his friend's side and then tells me "it's time for you to get over it" and that he is just being honest with his opinion. omg. !!! That really hurt my feelings. He is just making it worse.

 

So tell me:

1) Am I being oversensitive by voicing my concerns about this. I tolerated this behaviour for a while and finally stepped up and talked to my bf about this.

2) My bf telling me to "get over it". I feel like that is out of line. What do you think?

 

I don't feel like moving in with these two. It's just going to be a guy-show.

 

I would suggest not moving in with them. You've only been dating your boyfriend for 4 months or so that's way too soon in my opinion. Plus, you don't feel comfortable with "J", and I always suggest that people not do things that they feel really uncomfortable about.

 

Unlike the rest of the people in this thread who are debating J's morality (whether it's ok to say "stab you in the eye" or ok to look at women and make comments, etc.) I just look at it as a case of this being a situation that clearly doesn't fit your tastes. Nothing wrong with that.

[silvermercy]

OP, ignore the gender wars going on in this thread and go with your gut instinct. What does it tell you? Are some red flags flying? If you think there are (I think so, too), don't ignore them. And DEFINITELY don't move together if you mind your own sanity!!

 

I see it this way: it seems to me that your BF's friend is single (well, I hope so!!!). So he either resents his buddy having a loving GF and/or the fact he can't take your BF on men's nights out anymore (and act like they're single douche-bags). He doesn't like you. Why? Because to him you are an OBSTACLE. To him YOU are the 3rd person in the relationship between HIM and your BF! This thing happens and is not uncommon.

 

I also wonder about the conversation that went on between him and your BF. Obviously he's quite manipulative. Have you asked your BF the exact conversation? The words he used? (I'm betting he used more demeaning words to describe you and also encouraged your BF not to be a male doormat but be more... macho and stand up to you). It'd be interesting to hear how this went on.

 

Just put a halt on any plans on moving together for now; (whose crazy idea was this by the way)? Re-evaluate your relationship. It's too early to have problems already!

 

PS: In my country, we have an old wise proverb that fits your situation (and your BF's friend"): "Show me your friend, so I can tell you who you really are").

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I'd laugh and tell her to go ahead and do it, but then I don't get my panties in bunch like you do. You seem to take life so seriously. You need to lighten up a bit I think.

 

Dude, I've read a number of your posts now and you aren't exactly Mr. Light and Breezy.

[wezol]

Some of ya'll need to get a sense of humor, and stop being so uptight.

 

If the rolls were reversed and a buddies gf said she would stab me in the eye with a fork, and fling sh*t in it if I did "x" again, I'd laugh..because it's meant in jest and a JOKE, I'd give her props for being creative, and come back with something of my own.

 

As for the crap about pointing out girls, PLEASE PLEASE tell me that girls don't do the same with guys? Oh wait, you can't.

 

Ah, the hypocrisy.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

What hypocrisy? Unless this girl, in this relationship, is turning around and pointing out hot guys infront of her boyfriend, it's not hypocrisy. You are trying to compare a generalization to how some girls *might* behave to a real life situation that is acutally happening with a particular couple. That makes no sense.

 

And no, I don't point out "hot" guys to my guy. Infact, when I am out with my guy, my attention is for him and the time we are spending together. Not every other person that passes us on the street.

 

Again, you leave out the context of the relatoinship of this girl and her boyfriend's buddy. They are not friends. They aren't buddies. And he's displayed not just once or twice but many times, rude and disrespectful behavior.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I most certainly am, I am a comedian in my spare time, it's not my day job yet, but it will be soon.

 

It's intereting you say that becaues sometimes comedians tend to be some of the most unhappiest people around. They use comedy and humor to deal with a lot of things that have happened in their life or just to cope with depression. Jim Carey being a good example of this.

[Rosa Tamora]

Regardless , the solution is to simply avoid hanging out with them together. Let him have days where he hangs out with his friend and other days where he hangs out with you. Or go into another room when he's around, I doubt he'll care, you're not his girlfriend. His buddy doesn't seem to have an issue with the nagging of OP, so why does it have to be a "either him or me" scenario women love oh so very much? In my case I've had the same friends for almost 10 years, and they've been around through thick and thin... if a woman I'm dating tried to come in between us or was all self-righteous about them I'd laugh her out of my life.

 

Wolf,

I never said I am interested in coming between him and his friends. Growing up around alot of boys, i understand that these friendships are important and I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

I know I would hate it if my bf tried to make me get rid of my friends. The reason why I requested (not demanded) my bf to talk to J about it is because they know each other longer than I know J. I have only known K for 3 months. I did not want to step on toes. I didn't think it would become such a s***storm.

I am fine with hanging out with J. He is not really a bad person, and I understand his experience in his life has shaped him into the person he is now. However, if someone talks about throwing s*** at my face, someone I just met 3 months ago, it's just not ok with me. I'm not asking my bf to dump this friend, of COURSE I am not. I'm not an idiot. Btw the way, women who pull the "him or me" situation are silly. Ultimatums just don't move relationships into the positive in all cases.

Again, I am not being self righteous. I never said I'm better than anyone or that his friend is a low life. I just want to be treated with a little bit more respect than that.

NOTE: This friend is also the same person that brought up my bf's ex-gf in one conversation. Not just "Oh you remember so and so" but "oh you remember that one time when you and so and so were in bed and all I could hear was giggling and laughing. Then you came over and asked for a condom?"

Really. Does a girl need to hear this?? It's in the past, but I don't have to hear it or VISUALIZE it. I didn't say anything about that then, because I just don't know what to say. But it's awkward.