Jealous older sister

[lessonlearnt]

I've had a few crappy days as it was my Dad's 90th birthday at end of January and we had a night in a London hotel. My sister was there and she is as bossy and difficult as ever. She drove Mum on a shopping spree 120 miles away and Mum bought lots of clothes. My sister assumed Mum was going to wear some of her new clothes to the hotel for the meal but she put on a dress which she had worn before and had owned for a few years.

My sister came to the house before we set off for the hotel and said to Mum "you look terrible in that dress, don't tell me you are going to wear it.?" What a cheek. She made the mistake of asking me what I thought of the dress, but I told her that Mum should wear what she wanted and that happened to be the dress. Talk about killer looks from my sister. Maybe she thought Mum had snubbed her but why should Mum wear what my sister wanted.

 

Mum stuck to her guns although she wore a new coat and scarf on the journey to the hotel but didn't put them on in the hotel. I could tell my sister was furious but of course when she knew she had lost the battle she pretended it didn't matter.

 

If this encounter had taken place when she was on the way home I would have told her about her manners and talking to Mum in a belittling way but I was determined that for 1 night I would put my differences aside as it was Dad's night. She moaned about the meal too and everyone else liked it.

When I mentioned that Mum Dad and I had visited a really nice seaside place in Wales she immediately said that she thought the beach they visited in Cornwall was very spectacular. I just let it go by not responding but can you see how competitive she is.

 

She came down late for breakfast the next morning and Dad pointed out she was late and it irritated her although she tried to laugh it off. She asked me if I went on holiday on my own when she knows damn well I did. She is trying to point out that I haven't got a partner. She asks it in such an innocent way but I know what is going on.

 

I don't think we will ever get along and I cannot see a way through this as she is so domineering and resentful towards me. When I next speak to her on the phone I think I will tell her about the way she spoke to Mum. Any views on this?

[ja123]

It sounds like you and your sister, instead of fighting over toys, are fighting over your parents.

 

 

Why?

[lessonlearnt]

It sounds like you and your sister, instead of fighting over toys, are fighting over your parents.

 

 

Why?

 

 

 

I think that she treats my parents disrespectfully and I want her to lose her attitude and get some manners at the very least.

 

 

What a nasty hurtful thing to say to her own mother. I do not like to see anyone bullied least of all my aged parents. My sister fights to show that she has influence over her parents particularly Mum with whom she has a better relationship. She always tries to leave her mark when she visits from abroad.

 

 

She hated the fact that Mum failed to wear the new clothes she bought after driving many miles to buy them. Mum told me that she didn't care that my sister had driven her all those miles as she never asked her to.

[carole.]

I've had a few crappy days as it was my Dad's 90th birthday at end of January and we had a night in a London hotel. My sister was there and she is as bossy and difficult as ever. She drove Mum on a shopping spree 120 miles away and Mum bought lots of clothes. My sister assumed Mum was going to wear some of her new clothes to the hotel for the meal but she put on a dress which she had worn before and had owned for a few years.

My sister came to the house before we set off for the hotel and said to Mum "you look terrible in that dress, don't tell me you are going to wear it.?" What a cheek. She made the mistake of asking me what I thought of the dress, but I told her that Mum should wear what she wanted and that happened to be the dress. Talk about killer looks from my sister. Maybe she thought Mum had snubbed her but why should Mum wear what my sister wanted.

 

Mum stuck to her guns although she wore a new coat and scarf on the journey to the hotel but didn't put them on in the hotel. I could tell my sister was furious but of course when she knew she had lost the battle she pretended it didn't matter.

 

If this encounter had taken place when she was on the way home I would have told her about her manners and talking to Mum in a belittling way but I was determined that for 1 night I would put my differences aside as it was Dad's night. She moaned about the meal too and everyone else liked it.

When I mentioned that Mum Dad and I had visited a really nice seaside place in Wales she immediately said that she thought the beach they visited in Cornwall was very spectacular. I just let it go by not responding but can you see how competitive she is.

 

She came down late for breakfast the next morning and Dad pointed out she was late and it irritated her although she tried to laugh it off. She asked me if I went on holiday on my own when she knows damn well I did. She is trying to point out that I haven't got a partner. She asks it in such an innocent way but I know what is going on.

 

I don't think we will ever get along and I cannot see a way through this as she is so domineering and resentful towards me. When I next speak to her on the phone I think I will tell her about the way she spoke to Mum. Any views on this?

 

 

Your sister is competitive with you no doubt about that but I'm not sure much will be achieved by pointing out her behaviour on the phone. Sometimes ignoring people is necessary and your Dad enjoyed the evening and at his age he doesn't need any grief. You may be creating more drama which she thrives on and turns to her advantage. Don't forget she drove your mother several miles and expected your mother to wear the clothes she bought. Your mother had other ideas which is fine but it must have been a real slap in the face for your sister. I agree she should not have put your mother down in that way but the fact she looked to you for support shows how important this issue was for your sister. I suspect that set the scene for the rest of the event and she would carry on with her little digs at you.

 

 

As she is needy for attention and validation from her parents and she only visits infrequently I think you should take a back seat on this occasion.

I know these type of events can have a long lasting effect particularly when she comes home from Australia and makes big gestures and you have to deal with the daily grind of looking after your parents. Don't expect her to thank you for what you do for your parents as she will resent having to do this given her personality.

 

 

I am just trying to get you to look at things from your sister's perspective. She has much to be jealous of but the main thing I suspect is the closeness between you and your parents. She will have picked this up at the meal as these things aren't spoken but can be seen from a look or body language. Her only way of dealing with this is to try and drag you down so she can feel better about herself.

[opinion]

I am going to wade in here with a different approach.

 

 

Everyone seems to be pussyfooting around your sister. She loves any attention and will react if she does not get her way. You were right not to confront her during this visit as you could have been painted as the villain of the peace by blowing things out of proportion. Maybe she was secretly hoping for this in her own twisted way.

 

 

She persists with this behaviour because she is allowed to get away with it. I suspect that she has told her parents that she is fed up with hearing about you and what you have done for them and they may be feeling a bit guilty and trying to make things up. As someone else said, at your parents' age they will find any upset distressing even though they know the situation.

 

 

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire so when you next have the chance, remind her about her disgusting behaviour towards her mother and maybe suggest she needs counselling. Let her know there are consequences to her actions. She will hate being told this but she clearly enjoys making people feel uncomfortable so let her have a taste of her own medicine.