Jealous older sister

[LittlePrince]

I need help dealing and understanding my sister.

She is 9 years older than me and always tries to be the centre of attention.

She lives in Australia but recently came home to help my parents move in to a new house.

I walked into the bedroom she was using to look fior an invoive to pay the builder when I saw that she had put a photo of her own daughter in a 26 year old frame that had contained my photo at my graduation.

I wa moved to the back of the frame and she knew I would see it as I had to go into her room the next day when she was out. In another room she put a photo of me Mum and Dad face down deliberately.

 

Why on earth would she do such a thing?

I told my parents who wouldn't believe she would do such a hurtful thing although we have never got on. She said she put the photo of her daughter outside the frame propped up against mine to stop it getting dogeared. That is a lie as the photo was inside the frame. She is alweays right about everything in her eye and very bossy.

 

Help?

Your parents clearly have a favorite. I would break away from all of them, live your own life, and let them live happily ever after in whatever screwed up fairytale they wish.

[Radu]

First few posts i thought your sis is quite the bi.tch.

 

Not so anymore, it's your parents.

They played favorites with both of you, made her feel unwated and made you feel like a princess who constantly empathises with them.

 

I also had a grandfather who did this to me and my sister, for just a few yrs and it took my parents close to 15 yrs to mend the damage done by him indirectly.

Eventually my sister and i both realised we are not each other to blame, he is, and let it go.

 

Maybe you cannot get your sister to do this, but for your own mental health you need to let go, just plain let them be.

Spend less time with your parents, they are probably elderly but i don't think they need coddling.

They probably know they ****ed up with her, but your father is one smug bastard.

You are probably in your 40's, is it still time to play idiotic games like 'australia is a beautifull country' ?

 

Your sister is not the villain here, or not the main villain, it's your parents.

 

What's more important to you, your sanity or childish games ?

 

Where is your own family in all of this, your husband and kids.

Edited June 1, 2012 by Radu

[LittlePrince]

Where is your own family in all of this, your husband and kids.

She might not have any making this the only family she has.

[carole.]

Your parents clearly have a favorite. I would break away from all of them, live your own life, and let them live happily ever after in whatever screwed up fairytale they wish.

 

 

I think that lessonlearnt feels a huge burden from being the favourite. However I also think her sister has some unpleasant traits.

 

Parents taking her side in the argument over the photo is an indication that they favour lessonlearnt. They should not have got involved and when things get messy they probably resent lessonlearnt to some extent.

 

I think it goes like this. Parents favourite is lessonlearnt with whom they have lots of contact. Troublesome sister makes rare appearance although she feels unwanted. Argument occurs, parents take lessonlearnt's side and then they feel guilty at the upset it causes and sister continues to feel unappreciated despite helping them with house move. Parents know they clearly favour lessonlearnt and feel guilty when their eldest daughter shows up as they find it difficult to hide their affection for lessonlearnt. Sister feels she is always competing with lessonlearnt; that is her problem but she obviously feels inferior. Her sister must wonder what she has to do to get in parents' good books and be appreciated.

 

I do however think that the latest episode with the "special" birthday card will reinforce her sister's antagonism towards parents and probably lessonlearnt.

Edited June 1, 2012 by carole.
typo

[SpiralOut]

I think you are making too much over the birthday card. First of all, it's just a card. Second of all, why would your neice say something to her mother that she knew could inflame things between the two of you?

 

I agree with the idea of backing away from your family for a while. Instead of seeing your parents 5 days a week, make it once or twice.

 

Do your parents do anything to encourage a better relationship between you and your sister?

[lessonlearnt]

They say it is a shame that we can't get on. But they also acknowledge why I don't want to meet up with her or contact her. Years ago she borrowed money from me (to pay a deposit on holiday) and when she failed to repay it on the agreed date, she said that I didn't need it. I was so upset at her attitude although after pressure from parents and myself she paid it back 4 years later. She has financial problems but I don't as I only spend what I have or risk money that I can afford to lose.

 

They said after the photograph incident that she was a strange girl and they didn't understand her. They then initiated a discussion of all the times she had borrowed money from them and not repaid it. If my sister could sabotage anything I did during the house move she did, just to try and make me look incompetent. Mum said that my sister resented me being around as she thought she going to have sole control of the move.

 

Mum doesn't speak to her youngest sister so there is a history in the family and my cousins are at war with each other usually because of perceived favourite treatment.

 

So although parents say that they wish we could get on especially as we get older, they don't push the point.

 

I will distance myself and see what happens. I am at the stage where I don't see why I should make allowances for her and that I should accept she is not a nice person with a domineering attitude who I will see only when I have to.

[lessonlearnt]

First few posts i thought your sis is quite the bi.tch.

 

Not so anymore, it's your parents.

They played favorites with both of you, made her feel unwated and made you feel like a princess who constantly empathises with them.

 

I also had a grandfather who did this to me and my sister, for just a few yrs and it took my parents close to 15 yrs to mend the damage done by him indirectly.

Eventually my sister and i both realised we are not each other to blame, he is, and let it go.

 

Maybe you cannot get your sister to do this, but for your own mental health you need to let go, just plain let them be.

Spend less time with your parents, they are probably elderly but i don't think they need coddling.

They probably know they ****ed up with her, but your father is one smug bastard.

You are probably in your 40's, is it still time to play idiotic games like 'australia is a beautifull country' ?

 

Your sister is not the villain here, or not the main villain, it's your parents.

 

What's more important to you, your sanity or childish games ?

 

Where is your own family in all of this, your husband and kids.

 

 

I have a boyfriend but never wanted children of my own. Sister thinks parents praise me too much when she doesn't have the chance to help out as she is thousands of miles away. That is a sign of her jealousy.

[carole.]

Not sure, but sometimes parents are frightened of their children ganging up against them and so they are happy to sow seeds of discord. They may not want you and your sister becoming close and discussing what has been said to each of you by your parents.

 

The more I read your post the more convinced I am that as you dislike your sister you do not want to get on with her. That is fine but you also haveto accept and live with the fact that you are the favourite and the impact that has on your sister. The round trip from Australia is a huge journey and it ends in a major argument with your parents jumping to your defence. Whatever she does is never good enough (in her eyes).

 

The birthday card was carefully chosen by them to state to you that you are special and as long as you keep that to yourself all is well. There are thoudands of birthday cards which they could have chosen without these words. Just imagine how hurt you would feel if you found written confirmation that your sister was special.

 

It seems to be a no win situation for everyone and your sister has crossed the line and their relationship with her is irretrievably flawed. Bear in mind that parents tend to favour children who are similar to themselves and are not aggressive, are helpful and easy to get along with. It is just a fact of life but please don't rub your sister's nose in it as I suspect that she is suffering enough.

[lessonlearnt]

I don't think parents are trying to keep us apart in this way but they realise it has to be our decision.

 

For the record it seems that my niece did inadvertently tell her mother about the card as my sister was curious as to what items I had on display in my house, photos etc. This does explain her attitude to my parents.

My view is why the hell shouldn't my parents give me a card. She should just accept that she is not the favourite and examine her life as to why this might be the case.

[SarahRose]

I see very unhealthy boundaries and dynamics.

 

It seems each of you, that means you, the sister, your parents just love to stir the pot and gossip.

 

You are complaining about the sister but I suspect she has been made the family scape goat and you are the golden child. Remember we are only hearing your side and you certainly aren't going to say anything nice about your sister.

 

You can stop the madness but I suspect you won't because there is too much of a payoff for you.

 

Does alcoholism run in your family? You are all displaying classic alcoholic family dynamics.

[lessonlearnt]

I see very unhealthy boundaries and dynamics.

 

It seems each of you, that means you, the sister, your parents just love to stir the pot and gossip.

 

You are complaining about the sister but I suspect she has been made the family scape goat and you are the golden child. Remember we are only hearing your side and you certainly aren't going to say anything nice about your sister.

 

You can stop the madness but I suspect you won't because there is too much of a payoff for you.

 

Does alcoholism run in your family? You are all displaying classic alcoholic family dynamics.

 

No, there is no alcoholism although we all like a drink but not too excess.

On public forums you usually only get one side of the story and I appreciate that.

 

If I am the favorite why is that my fault? If you lent money to a sibling who you weren't close to and then they refused to pay it back at the agreed time, how would you feel? I felt duped.

 

A few years back she wrote to Mum using the most awful crude language after an argument about paying back money. It took her 2 months to telephone Mum to apologise for the swear words and tone of the letter.

 

Seems like you are expecting me to make excuses for her after all that she has done to the family.

[SpiralOut]

How did you know about the letter she wrote to your mother? Who told you about that? IMO, that's something that should stay strictly between your mother and your sister. I'm wondering why she would tell you about it and get you emotionally involved in something that doesn't concern you.

 

It also seems odd that someone on the other side of the country found out about a card you have in your home.

 

There is lots of drama, people asking questions they shouldn't ask and sharing information they should be keeping to themselves.

 

Your parents are largely responsible, since they taught these behaviours to you and your sister. It's not too late for you to draw some lines.

Edited June 12, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Radu]

No, there is no alcoholism although we all like a drink but not too excess.

On public forums you usually only get one side of the story and I appreciate that.

 

If I am the favorite why is that my fault? If you lent money to a sibling who you weren't close to and then they refused to pay it back at the agreed time, how would you feel? I felt duped.

 

A few years back she wrote to Mum using the most awful crude language after an argument about paying back money. It took her 2 months to telephone Mum to apologise for the swear words and tone of the letter.

 

Seems like you are expecting me to make excuses for her after all that she has done to the family.

 

We don't want you to make excuses, we are trying to help you empathise with her situation.

Your sis is obviously filled with hatred, and after reading this thread it's obvious why.

She hates you as the result of your parent's actions, not as a result of your actions and both you and her need to accept this fact.

 

You were innocent up to a certain age. Up to that age you didn't deserve this ****, but now you are a grown woman with a certain level of maturity expected from you.

 

What worries me the most is that reading your posts i get this picture of a child that tattles, that informs as if trying to gain favor with the 'authority'.

I get the feeling that you came to this board because you had no-one to tattle to anymore as your parents cut you off and that you don't actually try to get this fixed.

 

I was in your sister's shoes, my sister was in your shoes ... looking back on that now i can see how it affected who i am today and what a filthy human being the person who sew discord between me and my sister was.

[lessonlearnt]

How did you know about the letter she wrote to your mother? Who told you about that? IMO, that's something that should stay strictly between your mother and your sister. I'm wondering why she would tell you about it and get you emotionally involved in something that doesn't concern you.

 

It also seems odd that someone on the other side of the country found out about a card you have in your home.

 

There is lots of drama, people asking questions they shouldn't ask and sharing information they should be keeping to themselves.

 

Your parents are largely responsible, since they taught these behaviours to you and your sister. It's not too late for you to draw some lines.

 

 

 

My Mum phoned me up in tears when she received my sister's letter. Naturally she was very upset at its contents particularly as they had lent her money. I think she wanted support and I was obviously disgusted at my sister. There is just no need to do that sort of thing and then to take so long to apologise.

 

My niece must have told my sister (who lives in Australia) about the card, maybe she didn't mean to but she did.

 

When I lent my sister money I never told my parents about it nor that she didn't pay it back. However some months later she phoned my parents asking them for money and as she hadn't paid back what she owed me, I thought they had a right to know.

Edited June 12, 2012 by lessonlearnt
typos

[lessonlearnt]

We don't want you to make excuses, we are trying to help you empathise with her situation.

Your sis is obviously filled with hatred, and after reading this thread it's obvious why.

She hates you as the result of your parent's actions, not as a result of your actions and both you and her need to accept this fact.

 

You were innocent up to a certain age. Up to that age you didn't deserve this ****, but now you are a grown woman with a certain level of maturity expected from you.

 

What worries me the most is that reading your posts i get this picture of a child that tattles, that informs as if trying to gain favor with the 'authority'.

I get the feeling that you came to this board because you had no-one to tattle to anymore as your parents cut you off and that you don't actually try to get this fixed.

 

I was in your sister's shoes, my sister was in your shoes ... looking back on that now i can see how it affected who i am today and what a filthy human being the person who sew discord between me and my sister was.

 

I am trying to empathise with her situation but you seem to be ignoring what she has done when her family have tried to help her out lending her money. She seems to think she has an entitlement to take (not borrow) money whiach is ludicrous and shows the type of person she is.

 

My parents brought us up to respect authority and treat people properly. She went to a state school and they paid for me to go to a weekly boarding school but the same principles were installed in us.

 

I have not been cut off by my parents; we are back to normal now that she has gone back taking her drama with her.

 

I can honestly say that she would try and contradict nearly everything I said. Surely she has to take some responsibility for her behaviour and cannot lay all the blame at our parents. My parents have been very loving towards me but then again I don't cause (too many) waves.

 

I could feel her resentment when she came home as she expcted me not to be around.

You seem to be saying that I should forgive and accept my sister irrespective of what she has done and that her behaviour is down to my parents'. I am the one at home helping to look after my parents so surely it is only natural that they feel close to me. She chose to live in Australia; she can't have it all ways.

[Radu]

I am trying to empathise with her situation but you seem to be ignoring what she has done when her family have tried to help her out lending her money. She seems to think she has an entitlement to take (not borrow) money whiach is ludicrous and shows the type of person she is.

 

My parents brought us up to respect authority and treat people properly. She went to a state school and they paid for me to go to a weekly boarding school but the same principles were installed in us.

 

I have not been cut off by my parents; we are back to normal now that she has gone back taking her drama with her.

 

I can honestly say that she would try and contradict nearly everything I said. Surely she has to take some responsibility for her behaviour and cannot lay all the blame at our parents. My parents have been very loving towards me but then again I don't cause (too many) waves.

 

I could feel her resentment when she came home as she expcted me not to be around.

You seem to be saying that I should forgive and accept my sister irrespective of what she has done and that her behaviour is down to my parents'. I am the one at home helping to look after my parents so surely it is only natural that they feel close to me. She chose to live in Australia; she can't have it all ways.

 

Saying that you do this and having it followed by a 'but' shows that you do not truly try this.

That 'but' disables what you just said.

'I'm sorry your honour for killing the woman, but truth be told i was scared and didn't see' -- is that in any way an apology ?, is it ?

 

Yes, maybe she is entitled, maybe she took money. You do not have kids, you are comfortable, you have a bf, and you don't spend much.

WTF are you going to do with that money ?

Is that money right now more important to you than your own sister ?

Your parents i'm sorry to say are 1 foot in the grave, when they are gone, you will be left with a niece that probably is more normal than both of you and her, your sister.

On the last few hs you have on this Earth, do you want to still think 'oh, she never repayed that money' or do you want to think of the good memories you two might have together ?

 

You had been cut off by your parents when you made this thread, they were busy with her visiting, or after her visit ... i can't remember right now.

You made this thread to tattle, to do what a 10yr old does to gain favor and attention from her parents. You haven't outgrown that part of your life.

I know it's hard, i learned i hadn't outgrown what your sister is going through when i was 28.

 

Someone has to make the first step of mending this gap between the two of you, at your ages you can't possibly still get into games of 'she said', games that mature ppl outgrow in HS.

 

Go and speak with a child psychologist and tell him/her about how you two grew up, i'm sure that professional will also tell you that it's not normal for parents to sow discord between siblings.

Normal parents want siblings to work together, to be there for each other when they are not around anymore.

Normal parents would try their best not to take sides.

[carole.]

Have to disagree somewhat with last poster.

 

If someone has behaved badly during their lives, especially towards you, then it is not easy to forgive and forget. Otherwise why don't we all behave badly if there are no repercussions?

 

I think trying to airbrush Lessonlearnt out of the family with the photogrph episode may appear trivial on the surface. However to me it displays some very disturbed thinking by her sister and it doesn't sound as if lessonlearnt asked the parents to intervene. It seems they did it becaue they did not like big sister's behaviour and to stand up for their youngest daughter who wasn't there at the time of argument. However this intervention was probably seen by the sister as favouritism wth parents taking sides.

 

I am now thinking that as the sisters live thousands of miles from each other and their paths will not have to cross (apart from family events), what is to be gained from attempting a reconciliation? I would say that there is too much mistruct between them and it's not as if they are going to bump into each other on a regular basis.

 

Problem is that lessonlearnt doesn't really know what it feels like to be treated second best so it is difficult for her to empathise but she should try. Someone said she was treated as a princess but this is not her fault. Families do have favourites, often preferring to be with the more even tempered sibling.

 

I think she clearly loves her parents and she will be reluctant to do anything which rocks that relationship. Parents do not shy away from showing her that she is favoured and what is to be gained from attempting to get close to a sister whose behavior she doesn't like. Big sister should sort her issues out with parent but they appear to have gone beyond repair.

 

Maybe the best they can hope for is to be civil when they meet up. In my experience all families tittle tattle but it is how we handle it that determines our characters.

[Radu]

Have to disagree somewhat with last poster.

 

If someone has behaved badly during their lives, especially towards you, then it is not easy to forgive and forget. Otherwise why don't we all behave badly if there are no repercussions?

 

You will obviously not forget, but you can forgive by understanding the circumstances that led to that happening.

You can't catch flies with vinegar.

 

I think trying to airbrush Lessonlearnt out of the family with the photogrph episode may appear trivial on the surface. However to me it displays some very disturbed thinking by her sister and it doesn't sound as if lessonlearnt asked the parents to intervene. It seems they did it becaue they did not like big sister's behaviour and to stand up for their youngest daughter who wasn't there at the time of argument. However this intervention was probably seen by the sister as favouritism wth parents taking sides.

 

Probably.

 

I am now thinking that as the sisters live thousands of miles from each other and their paths will not have to cross (apart from family events), what is to be gained from attempting a reconciliation? I would say that there is too much mistruct between them and it's not as if they are going to bump into each other on a regular basis.

 

Personal growth.

Not having regrets when it's too late to do anything about it.

 

Problem is that lessonlearnt doesn't really know what it feels like to be treated second best so it is difficult for her to empathise but she should try. Someone said she was treated as a princess but this is not her fault. Families do have favourites, often preferring to be with the more even tempered sibling.

 

I think she clearly loves her parents and she will be reluctant to do anything which rocks that relationship. Parents do not shy away from showing her that she is favoured and what is to be gained from attempting to get close to a sister whose behavior she doesn't like. Big sister should sort her issues out with parent but they appear to have gone beyond repair.

 

She doesn't know, and she doesn't want to know.

I think i made the princess comment, it is not her fault but it's remarcable that up to this age nobody has told her this.

She can gain personal understanding, she can grow as a human being and she can let go of the ugly feelings she has for her sister.

I don't think the big sister will ever sort out how she feels with her parents, and i'm not sure she should.

The OP is an innocent party in all of this, but their parents [including that smug bastard of a father] are at blame here. The fact that the OP's mom has no good relationship with her own family is quite telling.

 

Maybe the best they can hope for is to be civil when they meet up. In my experience all families tittle tattle but it is how we handle it that determines our characters.

 

Maybe, that's the impression i got from her posts anyway.

[lessonlearnt]

OK a long story made very short.

 

Sister came home for 6 weeks in January and spent 2 weeks with parents. I took the opportunity to visit friend in California and escape as sister and I have never been close. She has borrowed money and only repaid it after lots of prodding and she is bossy and domineering, always trying to put me down so I avoid her. When on holiday I decided to forgive (not forget) her past behaviour for parents sake as they are ageing and because I will have to deal with her in the future.

 

On holiday my parents phoned me a lot and often when my sister was out of the house. When my parents collected me at the airport, my mother gave me the biggest hug ever and said she was so pleased to have me back. I am perceived as the favourite by my sister and others. She once said to me that "she couldn't compete with me" and I just laughed gently as if it was a joke, Apparently my parents are always praising me as I do a lot of looking after them, taking them out and live close by.

 

The next day, parents phoned me and said they wanted to see me to hear about holiday as sister had gone to visit a friend and wouldn't be back until late. They seemed to feel guilty and said they preferred it if sister didn't know I had been there or they would tell her that I phoned and asked to see them. Why are they like this?

 

I agreed to a family meal and my Mum had made it clear that my sister had been distant with them and non communicative when I was on holiday.Sister brought her husband to the restaurant meal and I was sat next to my Dad and we began to chat animatedly as I am very close to him.

Mum started talking about a trip to Australia with my sister which excluded me because I wasn't there and then she reached across to hold my sister's hand in an affectionate way. My sister didn't respond by squeezing her hand back. I suddenly thought what would have happened if Mum had behaved this way with me so openly in front of my sister. I bet she wouldn't.

As we left the restaurant Mum squeezed my hand but in a secret sort of way so no one saw although my sister turned round suddenly and could see something had happened and looked displeased,

 

Questions.

Am I reading too much into my mother's behaviour or is she playing passive aggressive?

Why did she do it? For my benefit so I pay her more attention? To punish me for paying attention to Dad?

In the couple of days since then she has turned from the mother so pleased to see me "she has called me the best" to being a bit critical.

 

Then she said that Dad had said that my visits were the only thing that kept him going? He wasn't pleased she said it and I feel controlled and manipulated, Mum has made no friends since she moved to new area.

 

Please give me your thoughts as I feel confused. I don't discuss family issues with friends even though I do have several. Am I over reacting to an innocent display from my mother? Why did she repeat what Dad said? Any other comments on behaviour PLEASE.

[carole.]

Oh dear this saga goes on and on for you and whole family.

 

Actually I think there are some illuminating points in your post which may explain the dynamics in your family.

 

You are the favourite and parents are trying to shield your sister from this fact. Evidence for this is in their asking you to visit them with a request that you don't tell your sister or pretend that you called them. Personally I would not have not gone in the first place. They are making you into part of their secret, slightly sick world of hiding their favouritism for you from your sister. This is not healthy for you or any relationship with your sister which it seems you are now contemplating.

 

The restaurant is a bit more complicated. It could be that your mother is jealous of your close relationship with your father and so she counters this by acting up with your sister. As your sister does not respond to her affectionate hand squeeze she may know why it is being done and may just dislike being "used" in this manner. Or your sister may not have any warm feelings towards her mother. Or she may not want to react in front of you, sparing your feelings.

 

Alternatively your mother could be riddled with guilt and make a gesture of affection to try and reinforce that your sister is not the unfavoured child (though she clearly is). If this explanation is true, there is no ulterior motive regarding you and your mother would not expect you to be affected by it since you are aware you are favoured. You are expected to rise above it because you hold the golden child status.

 

The fact that your mother gives you an almost sly affectionate hand squeeze leads me to think that the alternative explanation is likely. Again she is shielding the unfavoured child from her affection towards you but as your sister sees what is going on, this is likely to be hurtful and damaging for your sister and fuel her resentment. Any warm feeling she had from your mother's open affection at the table will be undone.

 

Seriously the secret phone calls to you and their dependency on you is unhealthy for everyone especially YOU. Your mother may even be a bit worried that you will grow close to your sister and so she might try and sabotage it, e.g. by her actions towards your sister at the table, which could fuel the sibling rivalry between you and your sister.

 

You need to escape from this madness and next time you communicate with your sister, you should discuss these issues if you know she trusts you and is keen to make amends and have a relationship with you. Do not enter into your parents unhealthy mind games any more.

[opinion]

I am so interested in your post that I felt compelled to reply.

I think a lot of people will empathise with your experience.

 

My opinion for what it's worth is this.

I think your attempt to reach out to your sister has alarmed your mother who is passive aggressive in her behaviour.

But I think you are reading too much into the affectionate hand squeeze at the table and why it happened. Sometimes parents will do something demonstrative without thinking of any effect it has on other siblings present.However let us imagine that it was done knowingly.

 

I would just accept that everyone, probably with some alcohol inside them, was having a good time in the circumstances and your mother felt sorry for your sister (for whatever reason). This feeling could arise because she seems to be the unfavoured child. It should be seen more like an apology from your mother and nothing more.

 

You are probably right that she would not have displayed the same affection towards you because she knows that your sister would view it as another sign that you are favoured and loved more than her. I say this because your mother did display the same affection towards you after the meal and away from the table. This was a way of reassuring you that nothing has changed and you retain your favoured position. She expect you to be strong and not read too much into the gesture at the table. The fact that your sister did not react to her hand squeeze suggests that she accepts it for what it was, but be in no doubt that she knows you are still the favourite.

 

I think you should build more bridges with your sister, and emotionally detach a little bit from your parents, especially your mother.

I am only a novice so it will be interesting to read what other more knowledgeable people say.

[lessonlearnt]

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe I was over reacting to the incident in the restaurant as I am pretty sure that my sister has talked to my parents about how she feels excluded, and is sick of hearing how helpful I am etc. Any public display of affection towards me would have reinforced her view.

 

Another thing is that my parents decided to display a photo of themselves and me in the lounge so everyone who visits doesn't see a photo of my sister anywhere in the house. They didn't change anything even when she came to stay with them. I think I might have felt slighted if there was no photo of me and one of my sister was on display. I actually felt sorry for her as she must have noticed it.

 

Parents did say that my sister hardly spoke to them and went out either on her own or with some friends, not all the time but often enough for them to comment on it to me.

[carole.]

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe I was over reacting to the incident in the restaurant as I am pretty sure that my sister has talked to my parents about how she feels excluded, and is sick of hearing how helpful I am etc. Any public display of affection towards me would have reinforced her view.

 

Another thing is that my parents decided to display a photo of themselves and me in the lounge so everyone who visits doesn't see a photo of my sister anywhere in the house. They didn't change anything even when she came to stay with them. I think I might have felt slighted if there was no photo of me and one of my sister was on display. I actually felt sorry for her as she must have noticed it.

 

Parents did say that my sister hardly spoke to them and went out either on her own or with some friends, not all the time but often enough for them to comment on it to me.

 

 

Your parents, well Mum anyway, are still playing at favourites in order to get your attention and are controlling you I think. However I think you are making too much about the restaurant incident in one respect. If anything shows that your parents don't stop to think about their actions, it is their failure to have a photo of your sister in the house especially when she is staying there. Even I would take be upset by that!

 

I think this gives you an inflated sense of your own sense of worth so any rare public act of affection towards your sister really irritates you. You protect your status as favoured daughter, and I bet YOU haven't suggested to your parents that they should put a photo of your sister on display!

 

I actually think your Mother was being fair when she showed you affection after the meal; she is all too aware that your sister is probably looking for signs of your favoured status yet it didn't stop her. Your sister comes home so infrequently that it is not unreasonable that your parents display some affection.

 

I would be more upset to find no photo of me in the house than a fleeting public gesture of affection. Don't forget that everyone who visits your parents' house sees the very public display of the 3 of you in the photo. You need to put things into perspective.

Edited April 9, 2013 by carole.

[lessonlearnt]

Sister has just finished another visit lasting 3 weeks. She stayed with my parents and slept on an airbed on the dining room floor despite being offered to be put up in a hotel. Every single day in the evening she insisted on having a bath which took 2 hours. There is only one bathroom in the house. My parents told me that they found her stay very trying and were annoyed about her having the bathroom for 2 hours each night.

They said that she is so strong in her character that they didn't really challenge her and asked me not to mention their annoyance to her. I feel like telling her how inconsiderate she was but I won't.

 

During the time she was here I went to Scotland to stay with a friend so that I was well out of the madness. On the phone they told me how much they missed me and when I returned Mum threw her arms around me and said I was her best and most special friend! What is going on?

 

Fast forward a few weeks and I think they feel guilty and say that my sister was probably lonely when she was here as she doesn't really know anyone.

 

My sister just phoned my Mum today and Mum made a point of telling my sister that we do mention her. Admittedly this was not said deliberately in front of me but I heard it when I went to the bathroom. This comment arose as a result of Mum and I meeting some friends who had gone on holiday to the same place my sister lives so of course Mum said that my sister lived nearby etc. Why does Mum make a point of telling my sister that she talked about her? It is almost as if she is reassuring her that she is not out of sight and out of mind.

I wonder if my sister finds it condescending to be told that by my mother as it is rather patronising? In a healthy relationship surely Mum would not need to say something so pointed.

Edited June 11, 2013 by lessonlearnt

[Nyla]

I have a sibling who has always been a cruel and abusive bully to me.

He is seven years older than I am and he feels that his age means I have to defer to him. My brother hates me because I stand up to him. He demands that I respect him when he treats me like crap.

 

What I have come to realize is that adult sibling rivalry and estrangement has its roots in childhood. My father doted on me, but he was very hard on my brother because he was rebellious. I think he was always jealous of the relationship.

 

Thankfully, my brother lives far away so I never have to see him. When he is up here, I stay away from him. His wife tries to be sisterly to me, but I find her overtures rather fake since we don't know each other.

 

Your sister likely felt less loved in childhood and this dynamic is playing out now. Maybe your mother was trying to make her feel loved when she told your sister that she is mentioned? I don't understand why the relationship your sister has with your mom is any of your concern. You and your sister are both grown women. Every child gets a different version of their parents and sometimes when parents get older, they realize their parenting mistakes and try to make amends. My mother was abusive and terrible to me growing up, but now she feels so much guilt and wants to be friends.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Nyla