what you wish somebody had told you years ago

[FitChick]

Not to waste time with a man who doesn't call or try to see me. I deluded myself, like so many on here, with "Oh, he's just shy," "He knows it could be really serious with me so he's scared," "He must have lost my number," etc. The guy who wrote the book, He's Just Not That Into You saved a lot of women a lot of heartache. I didn't read that book but learned it on my own when I met a wonderful man who did call, who did take me out, who did treat me wonderfully, who bought me lovely gifts, who kept his word, etc. It was like a light bulb went off in my head = So that's how it's supposed to be! I haven't settled for anything less since and I've been a lot happier.

[aj22one]

Not to waste time with a man who doesn't call or try to see me. I deluded myself, like so many on here, with "Oh, he's just shy," "He knows it could be really serious with me so he's scared," "He must have lost my number," etc. The guy who wrote the book, He's Just Not That Into You saved a lot of women a lot of heartache. I didn't read that book but learned it on my own when I met a wonderful man who did call, who did take me out, who did treat me wonderfully, who bought me lovely gifts, who kept his word, etc. It was like a light bulb went off in my head = So that's how it's supposed to be! I haven't settled for anything less since and I've been a lot happier.

 

The shy guys should read that book too, then they could actually act interested in the women. Save some heartache form their side too.

[LadyWriter]

The shy guys should read that book too, then they could actually act interested in the women. Save some heartache form their side too.

 

I second that! Getting stuck in a negative feedback loop is tricky business.

[FrustratedStandards]

That there is no such thing as in love, or the young relationship. That movies only make things seem peachy for the money, and that you shouldn't get your hopes up because in the end you just settle for what works.

[Cracker Jack]

To treat women like normal people instead of some unattainable beings.

 

Another thing I would've liked to have heard is that by not putting yourself out there due to fear of rejection, you're only making yourself worse off in the long run.

[GoodOnPaper]

The shy guys should read that book too, then they could actually act interested in the women. Save some heartache form their side too.

 

Pfft . . . a lot of shy guys' teenage/early-20s experiences have taught them that actually showing interest is a turn-off. They see the girls they want to date fawn all over the alpha-males who act all aloof and string the girls along.

[rafallus]

Pfft . . . a lot of shy guys' teenage/early-20s experiences have taught them that actually showing interest is a turn-off. They see the girls they want to date fawn all over the alpha-males who act all aloof and string the girls along.

 

Because they do it in a needy/desperate way. Not showing interest at all, is in fact overcompensating to another side. Been there, done that.

 

They have to find the balance, and in fact, aloof alpha do give girls a bit of interest. Bit by bit in fact, not to suffocate them like desperate guy would do, but to keep them hooked.

[vsmini]

someone actually did tell me this in my mid-20s and i didn't believe them...

 

Your whole perspective about life, who you are, what you want, and how you see the world will change between your 29th and 31st year of existence.

 

One cosmically "settles" into their skin and who they are and are meant to be; before that, it is all experimentation and learning. Decisions mean nothing and it is hard to remember one's frame of reference in one's 20s.

 

I'm in my 40s now and i wished i had listened.

 

well said!!!!

[vsmini]

+1. What a damaging perspective to hold onto. You don't have to settle for crumbs. You settle for crumbs though when you think lowly of yourself.

 

To answer the topic question

 

what you wish somebody had told you years ago

 

 

Quite simple and simply this:

 

Don't worry (so much) about girls. Put all that energy into your career instead.

 

Gosh I wished I knew this 5 years ago. Oh well. Better now than never!

 

 

edit: 2nd thing: Communication is EVERYTHING and 3rd thing: Do NOT rely on another person to "complete" you or bring you joy. Humans are flawed and will always let you down from time to time. You got to learn to be content on your own first.

 

Oooo don't know much about the career thing - unless it brings you peace and true hapiness. I feel people who choose career over relationships eventually lose out and are the ones that say "I wish someone told me that years ago."

[january2011]

If you don't get on with his parents, it's a bad sign

 

If you don't get on with his friends, it's a bad sign

 

If you don't get on with his siblings, it's a bad sign

 

Bonus: If he stands by and lets you deal with his parents, friends and siblings on your own, it's a bad sign

[Imageiko]

Oooo don't know much about the career thing - unless it brings you peace and true hapiness. I feel people who choose career over relationships eventually lose out and are the ones that say "I wish someone told me that years ago."

 

I think I agree with this. Immersing yourself in your career is a short term fix. It'll make you happy for a while but I feel like eventually you will look back and regret missing out on dating opportunities.

[petal28]

1. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

2. Without trust, there is no relationship.

 

3. Infatuation and Sex is not love.

 

4. You are no more special or different than the people they were in previous relationships with. Whatever they did / did not do in previous relationships, You should / can expect the same.

 

5. There is no such thing as “The One”, it is only a myth.

 

6. Do not let someone’s opinion of you, become your reality.

 

7. Judge someone based on their actions, not their words. Actions do not lie, but their words can and do.

 

What do you mean by this?

[El Brujo]

Things I wish someone had told me:

 

You were born on the wrong planet.

 

Virgins don't really give you leprosy.

 

If you want to live better, you need to follow your own rules.

[Beachgirl8]

That happiness comes from within, not from another person. I never really understood that concept until this year.

You have to create your own happiness and be confident in yourself, then things will fall into place.

[wolfess]

I feel like I had to make stupid mistakes to get where I am today, if someone had given me all the answers I wouldn't have had to work for them

[sunshinegirl]

Such a good thread! Here's what I wish I had heard/followed years ago:

 

1. Don't excuse or rationalize away patterns of poor behavior, ever. (None of this "the poor fella didn't get enough hugs as a child" sympathy stuff.)

 

2. Do not ever ever ever think you can "fix" another person. If you want to help someone, go volunteer somewhere. Don't try to be a savior in your relationships - your love can't save them.

 

3. Don't invest yourself in someone with "potential" ("he's great if only he could change that one (huge glaring) thing"). (Related to #2 above)

 

4. Treat your own needs as equally important as theirs, and insist on being treated right. In other words, don't be a martyr.

 

5. Don't let your emotional investment outstrip theirs. ("Don't make them a priority when they are only making you an option.")

 

6. Stop stressing about whether you'll ever find your life partner. Meantime, have fun with dating and realize that these experiences are teaching you valuable lessons about yourself and about relationships (if you heed them) that are helping to hone your people-picker.

[carhill]

Originally Posted by homebrew

1. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

What do you mean by this?

 

One potential example (not real):

 

I'm an alcoholic. I'm also a really bright, fun, creative and sensitive guy. I show you all aspects of who I am. Accept the former (my alcoholism) with the same clarity which you accept the latter (all those great positives listed). Do you really want an alcoholic for a boyfriend or husband?

 

I know I tended to downplay such a dynamic with some of the women I've loved and to my own detriment. It was easier to find 'reasons' to not accept all of who they were and go with the aspects which impelled love and connection.

 

Topically, I think the ideas shared have been a great learning experience and I have nothing of substance to add.

 

As a tangential 'relationship related' item, I wish, as a young man, my father would have sat me down and told me the story of his first wife and the half sisters I'd never know. It would have been an important lesson to balance the positive female role model I had and would have taught me at a young age to see women in their totality rather than through the eyes of a singular example. I would have entered the dating world with a clearer vision of reality and less likelihood of giving women the benefit of the doubt when I had negative experiences, relating back to the above quote, believing them when they showed me who they were/are.

[Eve]

Such a good thread! Here's what I wish I had heard/followed years ago:

 

1. Don't excuse or rationalize away patterns of poor behavior, ever. (None of this "the poor fella didn't get enough hugs as a child" sympathy stuff.)

 

2. Do not ever ever ever think you can "fix" another person. If you want to help someone, go volunteer somewhere. Don't try to be a savior in your relationships - your love can't save them.

 

3. Don't invest yourself in someone with "potential" ("he's great if only he could change that one (huge glaring) thing"). (Related to #2 above)

 

4. Treat your own needs as equally important as theirs, and insist on being treated right. In other words, don't be a martyr.

 

5. Don't let your emotional investment outstrip theirs. ("Don't make them a priority when they are only making you an option.")

 

6. Stop stressing about whether you'll ever find your life partner. Meantime, have fun with dating and realize that these experiences are teaching you valuable lessons about yourself and about relationships (if you heed them) that are helping to hone your people-picker.

 

Agree on all points.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Stockalone]

What would be the 3-5 dating tips or advice you wish somebody had given you 5-10-20 years ago? It can be anything.

 

Ideally, someone would have told/taught me how to read women. Other than that, the following are five things I would tell my younger self:

 

• Words alone mean nothing, pay more attention to what a woman does.
   
  
• If a woman asks you for a favor, always make sure that there is an equal give-and-take of favors.
   
  
• Never give a woman the benefit of the doubt.
   
  
• Never mention any fears you might have about your relationship.
   
  
• Never count on a woman being there for you when you need her.
  

[sunshinegirl]

I would like to add one more to my list above:

 

7. Be suspicious of high-intensity-instant-connection relationships. "The higher the flame, the faster the burnout."

[oaks]

I don't think I've used all 5 yet, so I'm going to add:

 

 

• Pay little heed to strangers on the Internet.
  

[Ginger Beer]

You will never get a girl you like so don't even bother trying. Instead, notice the ones who are friendly and might like you. Settling is better than nothing.

 

Wish I heard that back in my teens. Would have made my life a lot less painful.

 

Speak for yourself mate, I will.

 

Your post has a defeatist attitude about it.

 

Settling for what? Someone you're not totally/at all attracted to?

 

Yes, you'd have been so much happier in an unfulfilling r/ship with someone you made to do with, just because you thought you couldn't get someone more suited to you.

 

Desperation, again.

 

I agree.

[torn_curtain]

Oh man, there's so, so much, but I probably wouldn't have believed them at the time:

 

1. You're young and dumb. Just because you think you're **meant to be** with some person you admire from a distance, doesn't mean squat.

 

2. Don't do anything stupid during/after a breakup that your future self would cringe at, because it will take its toll on your self esteem later and also make it harder to get over the breakup.

 

3. Don't betray the person you're with by thinking bad things about them or devaluing them in your mind unless it's really justified and you're truly entertaining breaking up. Those thoughts weaken your bond with your partner.

 

4. Don't always prepare yourself for the worst by not fully trusting your partner, because that will also weaken your bond and counterintuitively make you more fragile in the event of a breakup. Expect the best and you'll be stronger when you suffer the worst.

Edited September 24, 2011 by torn_curtain

[Mr. Slim]

Dear past self,

 

When you turn 28-30, begin to take the process of finding a partner seriously. Don't wait another 10 years; you may not like what's left.

[petal28]

One potential example (not real):

 

I'm an alcoholic. I'm also a really bright, fun, creative and sensitive guy. I show you all aspects of who I am. Accept the former (my alcoholism) with the same clarity which you accept the latter (all those great positives listed). Do you really want an alcoholic for a boyfriend or husband?

 

I know I tended to downplay such a dynamic with some of the women I've loved and to my own detriment. It was easier to find 'reasons' to not accept all of who they were and go with the aspects which impelled love and connection.

 

Topically, I think the ideas shared have been a great learning experience and I have nothing of substance to add.

 

As a tangential 'relationship related' item, I wish, as a young man, my father would have sat me down and told me the story of his first wife and the half sisters I'd never know. It would have been an important lesson to balance the positive female role model I had and would have taught me at a young age to see women in their totality rather than through the eyes of a singular example. I would have entered the dating world with a clearer vision of reality and less likelihood of giving women the benefit of the doubt when I had negative experiences, relating back to the above quote, believing them when they showed me who they were/are.

 

Thanks for the explanation carhill but i still don't get it. Sorry