I feel that physical affairs are far worse than emotional affairs.

[Owl]

Don't take me wrong...in no way did I intend to minimize what you're feeling...hope that's clear to you.

 

At the end of the day...you're the one who has to deal with how all of this has made you feel. Nothing at all trivial about having to do that.

[drifter777]

the only thing that changed is that I know this guy was inside my wife and she let him. Even though it didnt mean anything to her, it was a very pleasurable time for him. He and I hated each other and I can only guess how good that felt for him as he came deep inside my wife. That's the ultimate form of disrespect. There's nothing worse. The fact that she let him have that experience makes me hate her. And this guy got to hit it and leave. Use my wife like a used peice of meat, and bail.

 

He told everyone in the complex, and at his job and I was a laughing stock.

 

 

This feeling is the core of the betrayal your wife perpetrated on you. For her to do that to you can be impossible to accept. I only recently realized that a big part of my shame was that I was ashamed of my wife and how she acted like a slut and now expected me to love and trust her again. It also made me ashamed of myself that I even tried to reconcile with her. I felt in my heart that I was being a complete punk and that a real man would drop her like a bad habit. It hurts even now, many years later, to remember how confused, hurt, angry and ashamed I was.

 

What was I supposed to do? Beat him up and go to jail? No, so I did nothing. I ate it. I let it fester inside me for years.

From your posting you already seem to understand that this will not work forever. There will come a time in your life when you are finally unwilling to go on feeling sick about what she did and resolve it in your heart and mind one way or another. You will do that when you are ready to do it. Working with an IC and doing research on places like LS will move you along the road, but you will know when you are ready to resolve this whole, stinking mess.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't like the debate regarding whether an EA or PA is worse. I think I could have handled a PA better because I would not have had to suffer the mental images, but I have never had personal experience with a PA so don't feel qualified to take sides.

[DarkPrince]

This feeling is the core of the betrayal your wife perpetrated on you. For her to do that to you can be impossible to accept. I only recently realized that a big part of my shame was that I was ashamed of my wife and how she acted like a slut and now expected me to love and trust her again. It also made me ashamed of myself that I even tried to reconcile with her. I felt in my heart that I was being a complete punk and that a real man would drop her like a bad habit. It hurts even now, many years later, to remember how confused, hurt, angry and ashamed I was.

 

From your posting you already seem to understand that this will not work forever. There will come a time in your life when you are finally unwilling to go on feeling sick about what she did and resolve it in your heart and mind one way or another. You will do that when you are ready to do it. Working with an IC and doing research on places like LS will move you along the road, but you will know when you are ready to resolve this whole, stinking mess.

 

Good luck.

 

I don't like the debate regarding whether an EA or PA is worse. I think I could have handled a PA better because I would not have had to suffer the mental images, but I have never had personal experience with a PA so don't feel qualified to take sides.

 

I try to rationalize it. I really do. I know it happened years ago, she was drunk, I wasnt there for her emotionally, and I did nothing to stop her from spending all her time with him. This sucks because my life is so good right now, yet I cant stop thinking about this. The fact that she doesnt see it as a big deal makes it that much worse. I cant even mention it without it starting a huge 4 day long fight.

She just wants it to disappear, like it never happened, or like it was a silly mistake. I would like it to go away too, but I cant stop thinking about it.

They say time heals all wounds, but as time goes on it gets worse and worse.

Maybe because Ive learned so much since then, I regret not stopping it before it had a chance to happen.

If she were to meet a guy like that now, I would stop the friendship before it started and that guy wouldnt go near my wife. I feel like I let it happen. Any other guy would have stepped in and done something. I did nothing except say 'are you sure your just friends'? Thats all I did.

I know I didnt make her cheat and its not my job to stop her, but I could have easily stopped it before it happened and I didnt. I would still be able to look at my wife like a beautiful angel instead of some other mans used trash.

He marked her. She let him mark her for himself. He claimed her by planting his seed in her. He did that on purpose because he hated me so much. He did it as the ultimate form of pain he knew it would cause me. I could never repay him the pain he has caused me.

This messes with my head. It was years ago. Everyone's long forgotten about those times and moved on, except me. Im stuck on it, and its not fair that Im sitting here typing this when I should be in bed holding my wife.

Lately when ever I get intimate with her I think of him doing the same thing to her. I even put myself in his shoes and imagine how good it felt knowing he was claiming my wife as his. I know it sounds bad, and it is, but I obsess about this all the time. I wish I could stop. I would go get hypnotized if I thought it would stop me form thinking about it.

I cant leave her now. Not until our business is stable and I get my degree. It would cause too much turmoil

[nyrias2]

I try to rationalize it. I really do. I know it happened years ago, she was drunk, I wasnt there for her emotionally, and I did nothing to stop her from spending all her time with him. This sucks because my life is so good right now, yet I cant stop thinking about this. The fact that she doesnt see it as a big deal makes it that much worse. I cant even mention it without it starting a huge 4 day long fight.

She just wants it to disappear, like it never happened, or like it was a silly mistake. I would like it to go away too, but I cant stop thinking about it.

They say time heals all wounds, but as time goes on it gets worse and worse.

Maybe because Ive learned so much since then, I regret not stopping it before it had a chance to happen.

If she were to meet a guy like that now, I would stop the friendship before it started and that guy wouldnt go near my wife. I feel like I let it happen. Any other guy would have stepped in and done something. I did nothing except say 'are you sure your just friends'? Thats all I did.

I know I didnt make her cheat and its not my job to stop her, but I could have easily stopped it before it happened and I didnt. I would still be able to look at my wife like a beautiful angel instead of some other mans used trash.

He marked her. She let him mark her for himself. He claimed her by planting his seed in her. He did that on purpose because he hated me so much. He did it as the ultimate form of pain he knew it would cause me. I could never repay him the pain he has caused me.

This messes with my head. It was years ago. Everyone's long forgotten about those times and moved on, except me. Im stuck on it, and its not fair that Im sitting here typing this when I should be in bed holding my wife.

Lately when ever I get intimate with her I think of him doing the same thing to her. I even put myself in his shoes and imagine how good it felt knowing he was claiming my wife as his. I know it sounds bad, and it is, but I obsess about this all the time. I wish I could stop. I would go get hypnotized if I thought it would stop me form thinking about it.

I cant leave her now. Not until our business is stable and I get my degree. It would cause too much turmoil

 

I dont think anyone can give you any advice that you haven't thought of. It really boils down to whether you can let it go.

 

If you really let it get to you so much, you may have to leave her. Complaining about it, without doing anything to resolve the situation, is, in my view, suboptimal.

[drifter777]

I dont think anyone can give you any advice that you haven't thought of. It really boils down to whether you can let it go.

 

If you really let it get to you so much, you may have to leave her. Complaining about it, without doing anything to resolve the situation, is, in my view, suboptimal.

 

The thing is, we've seen this before where the unfaithful wife just wants it to "go away" and tells the BS to get over it and not live in the past. We are all different and many people cannot just let it go. It eats at them and they need to resolve it somehow in order to go on living a "normal" life. From everything the OP has said, this is not something that is going to just go away. Suggesting he work to resolve the problem is excellent advice, but I think OP is lost and struggling with how to proceed toward that end. As I said, IC can help but no counselor can waive a magic want and make everything better. DP has a lot of work ahead of him, as does his wife, and if either one is not willing to put in maximum effort then chances for a successful reconciliation are nearly zero.

 

Blaming yourself for not being more vigilant in your wife's personal life is bullsh*t, plain and simple. If you believe you were not a good husband at the time than that is something you can work on, but her decision to cheat is solely her responsibility. Don't sugar-coat it, she betrayed you and everything your marriage stood for and it hurts like hell. Own your pain.

 

What your wife did will continue to eat at you until you take action to resolve her cheating and the damage she has done to you and your marriage. A separation so you both have a chance to decide how to proceed is an option you might consider. Discuss it with your wife and see what she thinks. Most importantly, get serious about working to resolve your own feelings. As I said before, these things take as long as they take but there are things you can do to move the process along.