Silly_Girl Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 NO SMART woman would walk away from security with kids. Love be damned! It doesn' put bread on the table. Gentlegirl IMO a SMART woman doesn't rely on a man to put the bread on the table. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 You make a great point Owl. But the truth of it is: We cannot control others. We can only control what we do and say. It is sad that people cant see that their choices do effect others. Every action has a reaction. Agree! Originally Posted by trinity1 I believe you got that wrong. Women are known to go for love. They follow the man they love. That's why women initiate divorce far more often than men. They take their children with them and follow the man they love. In confused's case his MW is worried she won't be able to bring the kids along. That is an issue, not the security and protection in itself. I didn't see where the MW said she wouldn't be able to bring the kids along if she left the marriage? Also, while I agree that women are known to go for love, I can say none of my friends (nor me) who have divorced never worried about 'losing' their kids or not having their kids - we came/are a package deal. If a woman ever thinks or decides to give up her kids for some guy - shame on her. No guy is worth giving up your kids for! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 NO SMART woman would walk away from security with kids. Love be damned! It doesn' put bread on the table. Gentlegirl Let me bastardize a quote here from a famous founding father...but Those who would trade love for security deserve neither. And if she is willing to make that trade, then I know that she is not the woman for me. Neither one of us are getting any younger...we've both played the "secure" game. Doing what's comfortable, and familiar. And where has it gotten us? It has left us yearning for more. Well, I guess it's time we see if she's serious about wanting more, or if she'll run back to that security blanket. But either way, I'll know....I wont have given up and thrown in the towel and gone NC for reasons that I and she doesn't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Hey, confused88, as Mrs. Doubtfire said, "well then, if that's the case, a man's got to do what a man's got to do." No worries though, many of us have been in your shoes MORE than once during the course of the A. That's for sure! In my case, we ended and got back tgether so many times I've lost count! NC only works when you are ready and not a moment before. Good luck and I hope it works out how you hope it will. On a side note, regarding all of this talk about why women leave? As a woman and I'm sure I'm speaking for others as well, a woman leaves because her needs are not being fulfilled. In many cases, the best chance a guy has to keep a woman from leaving is to listen, respond and work on the issues the very first moment she begins to voice that she is not happy. Once it's voiced, she will begin to slowly detach. And at the two year mark, if there has been no effort, she will most likely be beyond the point of no return. It's not the case with all women and some will stay for security and have affairs, but in many cases it is. So there you have it....stand up and take notice the first time she says it. Don't brush her off and not take her serious because the minute she stops voicing it means she is ready to walk out. Edited August 30, 2011 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
SidLyon Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 Let me bastardize a quote here from a famous founding father...but Those who would trade love for security deserve neither. And if she is willing to make that trade, then I know that she is not the woman for me. Neither one of us are getting any younger...we've both played the "secure" game. Doing what's comfortable, and familiar. And where has it gotten us? It has left us yearning for more. Well, I guess it's time we see if she's serious about wanting more, or if she'll run back to that security blanket. But either way, I'll know....I wont have given up and thrown in the towel and gone NC for reasons that I and she doesn't understand. I'm curious about what it is that you plan to do to fight for the relationship. Do you just envisage a return to the affair pretty well as it's been, or are you going to actively do something to change the status quo? I think you might be very surprised as to the difference some exposure makes. It would be embarrassing for her at first but it will let her (and everyone else) know how serious you are, and would most likely get her off the fence. You've been asked this earlier in this thread but so far haven't answered. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Agree! [/i] I didn't see where the MW said she wouldn't be able to bring the kids along if she left the marriage? Also, while I agree that women are known to go for love, I can say none of my friends (nor me) who have divorced never worried about 'losing' their kids or not having their kids - we came/are a package deal. If a woman ever thinks or decides to give up her kids for some guy - shame on her. No guy is worth giving up your kids for! And the woman has the immense luxury of knowing the courts won't do anything to detract from her bond with the kids. It'll be Dad who starts out on the back foot and has to pray for justice. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Hey, confused88, as Mrs. Doubtfire said, "well then, if that's the case, a man's got to do what a man's got to do." No worries though, many of us have been in your shoes MORE than once during the course of the A. That's for sure! In my case, we ended and got back tgether so many times I've lost count! NC only works when you are ready and not a moment before. Good luck and I hope it works out how you hope it will. I wish more people knew the bolded!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 IMO a SMART woman doesn't rely on a man to put the bread on the table. I don't think a smart woman would rely on any man. It's ggod to be self sufficient. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Confused...I'm really interested in reading your response to my post about your goals, and your plan for reaching them. I think it's really important to clearly know your goals and how you're going to reach them...so I'm very interested in hearing your response to that post. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Confused...I'm really interested in reading your response to my post about your goals, and your plan for reaching them. I think it's really important to clearly know your goals and how you're going to reach them...so I'm very interested in hearing your response to that post. I disagree. A relationship is about the journey not the goal. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 In this kind of situation, I have to disagree. First you need to define what kind of relationship you're expecting out of all of this. Given that she's ALREADY in a relationship, that also means what's your expectation for THAT relationship as well? Is he hoping that she'll have a "committed relationship" with him? Is he just wanting to resume the affair with no further expectations? All are factors. Link to post Share on other sites
jsb58 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I disagree. A relationship is about the journey not the goal. LOL! I went out with this gal once and every time she would talk about gettin serious, that is what I'd tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 LOL! I went out with this gal once and every time she would talk about gettin serious, that is what I'd tell her. So because some men use it as an excuse to get out of talking with their girlfriend, it isn't true? Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 In this kind of situation, I have to disagree. First you need to define what kind of relationship you're expecting out of all of this. Given that she's ALREADY in a relationship, that also means what's your expectation for THAT relationship as well? Is he hoping that she'll have a "committed relationship" with him? Is he just wanting to resume the affair with no further expectations? All are factors. Part of the journey is discussing where you're heading. A direction, not a goal, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Part of the journey is discussing where you're heading. A direction, not a goal, IMO. whatever... Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I cant speak on C88's behalf but I find it obvious that his goal is to be with MW by accepting to resume the A. I am not utterly surprised because most of APs may resume the A with the hope that things will change. They want to "fight" in the name of Love. Unfortunately, most of the time, nothing changes. Also the fog and the obsession makes most of APs (been there) pick short term relief over long-term goals. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I cant speak on C88's behalf but I find it obvious that his goal is to be with MW by accepting to resume the A. I am not utterly surprised because most of APs may resume the A with the hope that things will change. They want to "fight" in the name of Love. Unfortunately, most of the time, nothing changes. Also the fog and the obsession makes most of APs (been there) pick short term relief over long-term goals. But you just said the goal was to be with the married person. So there's not am either/or. Resuming the affair covers both. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Hi Confused88, I've been busy dealing with Hurricane Irene, so I'm catching up. I understand so well how your feelings have stayed at the surface given your continued contact together at work. It makes it nearly impossible to heal and or make a rational choice. Anyway, time will tell you all you need to know, one way or another. In the meantime, I hope that you will keep us all informed as to how you are doing. Take care and best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 But you just said the goal was to be with the married person. So there's not am either/or. Resuming the affair covers both. What I wanted to say is that in general most APs cave in just to relieve their pain without necessarily making long-term plans. Maybe for C88, yes, it covers them both. Anyway, his MW is supposedly working on her M unless she enjoys to resume the A. Very easy without DDay. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 What I wanted to say is that in general most APs cave in just to relieve their pain without necessarily making long-term plans. Maybe for C88, yes, it covers them both. Anyway, his MW is supposedly working on her M unless she enjoys to resume the A. Very easy without DDay. Which was the crux behind my questions. Most of them cave in...for the short term...trying to relieve their pain...without letting themselves think about the future. About their true motivations, their true goals, nor the likely outcome of events as a result of their resumption of the affair. When they don't truly think these things through...they normally end up repeating this cycle several times, hurting themselves and everyone else involved over and over, until they finally build up enough pain for them to finally accept the situation and actually stop the cycle. My intent with these questions was to get Confused to think about these things rather than avoid them....so that he doesn't end up going around the wheel several times trying to learn from bitter experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Part of the journey is discussing where you're heading. A direction, not a goal, IMO. For some, a journey is wandering aimlessly, forever, without a goal or signposts to let you know if you're truly making any progress or simply going around over the same ground over and over again. For others, a journey implies a destination, milestones that mark your progress, and eventually some understanding of the routes that you can take to achieve your goals. Link to post Share on other sites
daisy love Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I disagree. A relationship is about the journey not the goal.Hi! I've been thinking about what you said. I think this depends on whether there are goals and how close you are to achieving the goal. See, when my love and I were just messing around, I was totally happy to go with the flow and enjoy it all. Then we started getting serious about each other and we started making plans to be together forever. Then it felt less casual and a whole lot more like an exclusive relationship, you know? See now that we have these commitments to each other and have made these plans, if he doesn't follow through with the big D, I will leave him. See if you don't expect anything, then enjoying the journey is real good but if you want more then not so much and it gets worse the closer the goal gets! Link to post Share on other sites
daisy love Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 For some, a journey is wandering aimlessly, forever, without a goal or signposts to let you know if you're truly making any progress or simply going around over the same ground over and over again. For others, a journey implies a destination, milestones that mark your progress, and eventually some understanding of the routes that you can take to achieve your goals. Owlie! Do we agree on something? OMG!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused_88 Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 My only immediate goal is to continue the A as it was before. I'm slowly making progress on that. Spent time together at lunch, holding each other and kissing. Basic goal right now is to show her that I'm here and not going anywhere, and that I'm continuing to pick things up where we left off. I know her, and I know that she wont stay in this fog forever. This will never be a 2-3 year long A. It will be resolved in short order. Whether she tells me to stop, or gives up on reconciling with her H. Finality is coming...this I know. However once we have pretty much returned to the way things were I do plan on following some opinions here and disclosing this to people we both know, and even perhaps contacting her H...that is certainly not out of the realm of possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 Q.E.D. Regardless, I wish you the best, Confused88. If you need any advice down the road, look me up. Link to post Share on other sites
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