Broke NC, going down in flames

[White Flower]

This wasn't meant as a jab.

 

He said it better than I.

 

Don't romanticize the situation to make yourself feel better or justify your actions.

 

Really, you're nowhere closer to a resolution than you were when you came here. All you've done is show MOW that you're willing to remain the OM because you don't have the self respect and willpower to stand up for what you really want.

 

So really, romanticizing it as you are here gets you nowhere. All romanticizing it does is make the people that have tried to help you feel like they have wasted their time.

 

By the way, if you are comfortable with your situation and "breaking the script" as you have put it, what do you hope to gain from LS with your update?

BBM, wow, so OPs are supposed to feel guilty over not taking advice by many who offer a repetitive script designed to improve Ms rather than to help the original poster?

 

I applaud C88 for following his gut. He knows what the risks are, he's been adequately warned, so your job is done.

 

What does he hope to gain from his update? Not sure, but he pulled a veteran OP poster like me out of the woodwork. And he's got my support!

Edited August 29, 2011 by White Flower

[jthorne]

Horse manure. If this statement were true, you would indeed do everything. You would go to her husband and tell him you love his wife and you want to do everything in your power to please her. You will make it known that you intend to fight with ever fiber of your being and that you intend to win her fully. As it stands you are doing the cowards dance to that old tune "true love". So you are doing just enough to get her ego fed, your needs met and just enough to keep her husband out of the loop. Call it what it is.

Exactly!

 

Stop romanticizing it and OWN IT.

[fooled once]

Because she isn't looking to leave her marriage, divorce and start a new life with you. She has no plan of action. What she wants is, to have her cake and eat it too..AKA, keep you as the OM and stay married.

 

If you are okay with that, then stay on this path. Enjoy it for what it is, but know, it won't last forever.

 

Or, if you say you're a fighter, then confront her husband, tell him that you love her, want her for yourself and you're not disappearing from her life so they can work on their marriage.

 

Anyway, from what you've said about her and your situation, no good is going to come of this. I guess you haven't reached your lowest of lows to walk away.

 

Good luck. Shield your heart.

 

Ditto. Just accept you will only be the OM. Just accept you won't have weekends, holidays, special days. You will get Monday - Friday 9 am to 5 pm. Is that good enough for you? Definitely wouldn't be good enough for me.

 

She's a lucky girl - has a husband to plan a future with and a boy toy to play with when the responsibilities of a wife and mother get to her.

 

This is just appeasing your feelings and boosting your ego but soon you will want more than being just a lover. She will not give you more.

 

Short-term pleasure with zero long-term gratification.

 

You will just enjoy the thrill and romance until you will realize yourself the right thing to do or you will just get tired.

 

As I mentioned in your first thread, EVEN if she wanted to be with you, would you realistically be able to handle a 5 members family (she has 3 kids right?) without mentioning whether you would like kids with her?

 

Yep.

[fooled once]

Horse manure. If this statement were true, you would indeed do everything. You would go to her husband and tell him you love his wife and you want to do everything in your power to please her. You will make it known that you intend to fight with ever fiber of your being and that you intend to win her fully. As it stands you are doing the cowards dance to that old tune "true love". So you are doing just enough to get her ego fed, your needs met and just enough to keep her husband out of the loop. Call it what it is.

 

Yep, call the husband. Let him know you are competing with him for his wife. Tell him you are in it to win it. Tell him you are going to fight for her. Let HIM know what is going on so he can be well informed. Heck, he may kick her out and then you can have her.

 

BBM, !

 

What does BBM mean?

 

And yeah, many times people spend hours upon hours 'supporting' someone. I mean, why do any of us respond? We take what the poster puts out there and asks for. I can see why some would get frustrated with taking the time to respond to someone, in many cases, repeatedly and investing a lot of time into their responses only to have the person go "nah, forget it". I am not saying that is what the OP did exactly, but it is almost as if if he had the chance, he would delete his old post stating he was looking for support/help/whatever because he did get a ton of responses to his need.

 

NO ONE is saying "hey you must follow my advice". But it can be frustrating to spend a butt load of time trying to help someone only to have them do a 180. No one wants him to get hurt and no one wants him to spend more time chasing a woman who has no intention of leaving or putting him in a place where he isn't open to meeting someone else. I would hate to think that for the next 5 years he is continuing to sit and hope she will one day leave and he will have missed an opportunity to meet someone single who can give him the exact same feelings this married woman gives him.

Edited August 31, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[woinlove]

 

With that said. I am in my 30s...I've been in relationships (healthy ones) in the past. What was missing from all those relationships is that undefinable feeling. The one you can't put into words. The one you feel everytime you see the person you are in love with. That is what is present here. Everyday that I see her, it's like the first time I've seen her...I still get weak in the knees, my heart still flutters...the outside world melts away. I know she feels the same way. It's written all over her face.

 

Yeah, that's a great feeling. I've felt it with 6 men over my life, only one of which is my H. I'm just good at falling in love. However, the only men I've felt it with which I later came to realize how lucky I was that I didn't end up with them were MM.

 

For me, personally, I've come to the conclusion I can find a heart-fluttering "soulmate" in or out of an affair situation, but the bar is lower in an affair situation, for reasons I don't completely understand but likely has something to do with the fact that so much of the R is focussed on romance/intimacy type things, there is more fantasy involved, and the secret-club-of-two likely drives some extra chemicals.

 

Someone should figure out how to package the affair-chemicals.

[bentnotbroken]

The biggest thing standing in the way of your love...is her. It's not her M, her H, her commitments, it's her. She is the one making the call that keeps you from being together. So how do you fight that fight?

 

 

HELLOOOOO! Best post on the thread:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[Silly_Girl]

And yeah, many times people spend hours upon hours 'supporting' someone. I mean, why do any of us respond? We take what the poster puts out there and asks for. I can see why some would get frustrated with taking the time to respond to someone, in many cases, repeatedly and investing a lot of time into their responses only to have the person go "nah, forget it". I am not saying that is what the OP did exactly, but it is almost as if if he had the chance, he would delete his old post stating he was looking for support/help/whatever because he did get a ton of responses to his need.

 

NO ONE is saying "hey you must follow my advice". But it can be frustrating to spend a butt load of time trying to help someone only to have them do a 180. No one wants him to get hurt and no one wants him to spend more time chasing a woman who has no intention of leaving or putting him in a place where he isn't open to meeting someone else. I would hate to think that for the next 5 years he is continuing to sit and hope she will one day leave and he will have missed an opportunity to meet someone single who can give him the exact same feelings this married woman gives him.

 

The poster was respectful, and showed gratitude for those who took time to post. I don't understand why any poster would be offended by that. The only issue is that he didn't do as he was told. Heaven forbid.

[jthorne]

The poster was respectful, and showed gratitude for those who took time to post. I don't understand why any poster would be offended by that. The only issue is that he didn't do as he was told. Heaven forbid.

Um, actually, it wasn't. You were too busy looking to get a jab in that you didn't clearly read my post.

 

My post took issue with him romanticizing his situation, not continuing the A.

[LilyBart]

The whole reason I've decided to go against everything people have told me is that I will not be the one who ends this. I won't be the one who gives up. Tomorrow she may come to me and say to never speak to her again, that it is over. I can accept that...because it's what she wants. All I ever wanted was her to be happy. And if being with me, or seeing me, or talking to me, no longer makes her happy, than I can go my own way with completion. But if there is an iota of hope, I have to stay in. So 99 out of 100 of these situations end badly and don't work out. So that's 1 that does. And that's enough of a chance for me to soldier on.

 

I can understand where you are all coming from...saying I'm deluding myself, that I'm weak....that I'm acquiescing. Understood. I see that too. Yet at the same time I know what I feel...and I know what she feels. And until this comes to a final conclusion, one way or the other, I cannot, and will not give up. Call me what you may...and I'll be the first to admit, I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in fate, true love....soul mates...destiny. And I will NOT look back to these days 20-30 years down the line saying "what if"...what if I just hung in there, fought for love....fought against the odds.

 

At least by doing this I will know...that I did *everything* in my power to give true love a shot.

 

 

Be true to yourself Confused_88.

 

I believe in everything you say. And don't listen to those who "suggest" fighting for it all means telling the H. No - that's for your GF to decide. She may decide to get D. She may decide to give up custody of her children to her H (yes, I have known women who have done that). She may decide she can't live without you either.

 

Stay by her side, be in her life, as long as it makes YOU happy. Once that equation starts to change, reevaluate the situation. But until then, remember - this is your life. No one else's. Everybody here has their .02 but they don't have to live it.

[TurningTables]

Hiya confused. I give you kuddos for coming back here, thanking everyone for the advice and letting everyone know what your final decision was. It has taken me a long time to realize that you can give all the advice in the world, but only that person can make their decisons. You cannot force someone to bend to your will. Its like a child, you give them the best you can and then send them off into the world. lol You are right in one aspect, sometimes these things do work out and sometimes, well, they dont. Only you know your situation with this MW. We here at LS only have a glimpse of what your R with her is really like. I dont think I posted in your original thread.( sorry, I was under moderation! lol )

 

However, I went back and read your thread. You need to examine your own personal feelings about how you felt when youve ended a R in the past. It takes time to get over the feelings, guilt, etc. Times this by 10 when ending a M. IF she decides to leave, its going to be a tough road, especially because she has children involved. I just hope you are ready for a long haul.

 

If you should change your mind or need help in the future, Im sure you will hear the "I told you so's" IF and WHEN you post, but also you find that help is always given to those who ask for it.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

Edited August 30, 2011 by TurningTables
spelling! lol

[MissBee]

OK. So I'm sure by now you are all familiar with my story. After 6 days of NC, I broke it. Maintaining this NC at work just became too ridiculous. Going out of our way to avoid each other. Standing on opposite sides of the building when we saw each other outside during a smoke break.

 

So I went up and talked to her. We both agreed that this was ridiculous, though she said that these were "my rules." Went back into the office and began chatting online for a while. She made it clear that she has not stopped thinking about me 24/7. Apparently my big conversation when I told her to go work on her M made her feel like I hated her. No idea where she got that notion from, but nevertheless. She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

 

Well tell us how it works out.

 

I don't recall giving you advice, but I personally don't feel my advice when given is mandatory; People have to do as they see fit ultimately. They will either find that I was right or that I was wrong or my advice wasn't for them but either way they will learn from whatever it is that they end up doing.

 

I have no idea what your plan is, what you are fighting for and what your hope for the outcome is, but I will say that probably 9/10 people panic during NC and "backslide" lol...so I expect people to do that. I sure did, my bestfriend did, tens of LS members do, people everywhere do it. It's rare that people go NC once and for all and never look back. Most people play a back and forth, "get back together but nothing changes" dance that goes on for a bit before they finally go one way or another. I do think most breaking of NC and re-establishing contact are cases where people just feel uncomfortable, not because it is the wrong thing to do NC, but because NC by nature is uncomfortable so they run back to what was. However,often times nothing changes and they just prolong the inevitable and end up back at square one. Rarely have I seen people break NC, go back and work things out in a way that makes sense then they have a whole new, improved relationship after. Of course it has happened in human history and maybe SG would say that happened for her, but for the majority of people, this is not what occurs. Most people when they break NC and restart the A or another relationship that ended for good reason are just reacting to that withdrawal panic and all the intense feelings that occur (like any withdrawal). They feel good for a while, as they are getting their fix, but eventually the same reasons they had to breakup to begin with rears its head again....

 

Anyway, only the playing out of your scenario will tell what the case is for you. So you do as you see fit, hopefully you're actually thinking things through and have some actual plan versus running back to your comfort zone and goodluck!

Edited August 30, 2011 by MissBee

[Gentlegirl]

OK. So I'm sure by now you are all familiar with my story. After 6 days of NC, I broke it. Maintaining this NC at work just became too ridiculous. Going out of our way to avoid each other. Standing on opposite sides of the building when we saw each other outside during a smoke break.

 

So I went up and talked to her. We both agreed that this was ridiculous, though she said that these were "my rules." Went back into the office and began chatting online for a while. She made it clear that she has not stopped thinking about me 24/7. Apparently my big conversation when I told her to go work on her M made her feel like I hated her. No idea where she got that notion from, but nevertheless. She said "I can't give you up." Even though she is "supposed" to be working on her M. She said no matter what she does, she cannot stop thinking about me, and missing the times we had together, that our connection is too strong, and that I am a part of her.

 

OK, so feel free to lay into me here, I deserve it...but I have changed my mind. I need to go down in flames with some sort of epic end to all this, or to succeed. I can't just go NC and let all these feelings stay out there between us. I told her before I started NC that I would do the honorable thing and let her work on her M. But why the hell should I be honorable now? If I was honorable in the first place I never would have got involved with a MW. So no point in taking the high ground now.

 

I guess the bottom line is I'm a fighter. Even when the odds are completely stacked against me...I fight for things. I'm not going to give up on love, just because it isn't easy, or doesn't follow a script. And I'm certainly not going to follow a script (I.e. NC). At least I'll be able to look back and say that I did everything I could to give this love its best chance.

 

I know this flies in the face of all the advice I was given here. Your advice was great, and I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately sometimes you have to do things your own way, despite all the good advice.

 

But certainly one of all these stories has to have a happy ending, why can't it be mine?

 

I do wish you luck. I know a minority of As end up in marriages but have many hurdles to conquer... divorce, children, living with her children. Do you even know them yet? Maybe you feel strongly enough about her to hang in through it all

 

I think you MW is confused... says she wants to work on the M then wants to see you again. What does she want? I wouldn't like my future in the hands of somebody like that. Love does NOT always conquer all. that's romantic but very shortsighted immature notion in the circumstances.

 

You are both in the affair "fog"... can't see a foot in front of you. You won't stop thinking of each other while you are still in touch. An A relationship doesn't progress past the infatuation stage of a marriage relationship. YOu are constantly in limerance.

 

Again... good luck with your decision. This doomsayer sees "crash and burn " in her crystal ball. I have been through a divorce and ended an

A. Myself, I found it far more painful to walk out of the A.

 

Gentlegirl

[trinity1]

To me NC means No Chance, so good for you for being true to yourself and giving your relationship with your MW a chance!

[East7]

Truth is emotions tend to trump everything in human nature, controlling them at times is futile it takes a lot of work and you constantly will second guess yourself if you go against what's in your heart. Some people need to see things to the bitter end to truly comprehend and understand themselves and the situation they are in.

 

Thing is you have to understand that love isn't always enough to make things work. Ultimately human nature plays out and a known provider, protector and stable life for children trumps everything in a womans instincts. This could be one of those cases where she decides to leave, you two work things through and are happily ever after; it's not unheard of but it's also good to know both sides of the coin you're dealing with.

 

Agree with Circular as often

 

C88, there are other men here having been in your shoes and thinking that their MW was special, that their story was special.

 

What we are telling you is that same patterns produce the same results.

 

You can take any advice or ignore them and follow your feelings and learn in the hard way.

 

Just know that Love is not enough to be with someone. You will have to offer more than just love.

 

A woman will always look for security and protection - if she thinks her H is a better deal for her and children, no matter how much she loves OM, she will stay with her H. The need for security over-weights Love in the long run.

[trinity1]

A woman will always look for security and protection - if she thinks her H is a better deal for her and children, no matter how much she loves OM, she will stay with her H. The need for security over-weights Love in the long run.

 

I believe you got that wrong. Women are known to go for love. They follow the man they love. That's why women initiate divorce far more often than men. They take their children with them and follow the man they love.

 

In confused's case his MW is worried she won't be able to bring the kids along. That is an issue, not the security and protection in itself.

[Alpha Q]

So really, romanticizing it as you are here gets you nowhere. All romanticizing it does is make the people that have tried to help you feel like they have wasted their time.

 

Anyone who feels that they're wasting their time is free to move on and invest their time elsewhere. Just as the OP is free to ignore advice that attempts to manipulate or guilt him into conforming to the expectations of those issuing the "script" he finds himself expected to follow.

[Alpha Q]

he will have missed an opportunity to meet someone single who can give him the exact same feelings this married woman gives him.

 

People who think that you can replicate that special love you feel for someone with any old other person who happens to be single, have never felt love that special. Love that special appears once in a lifetime to those who are blessed. Many never experience it at all. Telling someone who has experienced it to give it up and settle for something more mundane with someone whose schedule may be more accommodating really misses the point!

[Alpha Q]

The poster was respectful, and showed gratitude for those who took time to post. I don't understand why any poster would be offended by that. The only issue is that he didn't do as he was told. Heaven forbid.

 

Bullies don't like it when their victims learn to stand up to them, I guess.

[Alpha Q]

Be true to yourself Confused_88.

 

I believe in everything you say. And don't listen to those who "suggest" fighting for it all means telling the H. No - that's for your GF to decide. She may decide to get D. She may decide to give up custody of her children to her H (yes, I have known women who have done that). She may decide she can't live without you either.

 

Stay by her side, be in her life, as long as it makes YOU happy. Once that equation starts to change, reevaluate the situation. But until then, remember - this is your life. No one else's. Everybody here has their .02 but they don't have to live it.

 

Quite. You are answerable to no one but yourself for the way you choose to live your life.

[Owl]

C88...you made a choice to continue...ok.

 

So you get pretty much the same advice I give everyone.

 

What's your goal for this situation?

 

Eventual marriage? Long term "real" relationship with her? Just to continue the affair?

 

Pick a goal.

 

What steps need to happen in order to reach your goal? Her divorce? Her being able to spend more time with you?

 

Make a plan on how you'll implement the steps needed to reach your goal.

 

What obstacles/difficulties need to be resolved in order to reach your goal? What's your plan for minimizing/avoiding/removing these roadblocks?

 

It's great to say "I won't be the one to give up on us"...but it's another thing to TRULY actively work to build a relationship.

 

What does your end-goal look like, and how will you get there?

[Owl]

Quite. You are answerable to no one but yourself for the way you choose to live your life.

 

That would be true if you lived on a desert island with no one else...where your choices/actions/behaviors had no impact on anyone else.

 

Given that we seem to want to live in this thing called a "society" which means we all have tons of interaction with others on a daily basis...living without care as to who is hurt by your choices/actions/behaviors doesn't work as well as it sounds on an anonymous internet forum.

[TurningTables]

That would be true if you lived on a desert island with no one else...where your choices/actions/behaviors had no impact on anyone else.

 

Given that we seem to want to live in this thing called a "society" which means we all have tons of interaction with others on a daily basis...living without care as to who is hurt by your choices/actions/behaviors doesn't work as well as it sounds on an anonymous internet forum.

 

 

You make a great point Owl. But the truth of it is: We cannot control others. We can only control what we do and say. It is sad that people cant see that their choices do effect others. Every action has a reaction.

[Gentlegirl]

Quite. You are answerable to no one but yourself for the way you choose to live your life.

Of course you are anwerable to others....that's why they have police, and laws and punishments.

 

How would it be if everybody lived like that... ANRACHY!

 

Gentlegirl

[Gentlegirl]

I believe you got that wrong. Women are known to go for love. They follow the man they love. That's why women initiate divorce far more often than men. They take their children with them and follow the man they love.

 

In confused's case his MW is worried she won't be able to bring the kids along. That is an issue, not the security and protection in itself.

 

NO SMART woman would walk away from security with kids. Love be damned! It doesn' put bread on the table.

 

Gentlegirl

[fooled once]

People who think that you can replicate that special love you feel for someone with any old other person who happens to be single, have never felt love that special. Love that special appears once in a lifetime to those who are blessed. Many never experience it at all. Telling someone who has experienced it to give it up and settle for something more mundane with someone whose schedule may be more accommodating really misses the point!

 

"q" where did I say any old love? Maybe you haven't been able to have "special" love more than once in your life, but many have.

 

A love at 16 is special, as is a love at 26 and a love at 46. Doesn't mean it can only be 1 person. Why so upset?