just been betrayed ,totally in pieces

[Chi townD]

hi everyone

woke up this morning in casulty ,stupidly od on sleeping pills , cant remember much else , my brother found me and called the hostptal ,feel like a real fool now , i can remember the wife being there at some point , but she was trying to tell me it would all be ok when i found another woman and we could be friends ! my brother spoke to her but she was still cold and saying its over ,he needs to get that and we need to talk ,she said to him she would never see me on the steets ! she is so wraped up in this guy nothing else seems to matter ,she is a different person ,when i look at her its like there is just pity and i am just in her way for her future happness , sorry if a worried anyone with my posts yesterday ,just felt trapped ,like it was a last resort ,to be honest i probally hoped she would see what her actions at pushed me to ,but it was false hope ,won,t do that again , just had some guy come round from the hostptal to talk to me ,he wants me to go see someone at the mental healh dept tommorow ,

to start taking anti deppresants ,god has it come to this ? thanks everyone for being there ,it means a lot ,all my other friends seem to be avoiding my calls ,i suppose it is easier than getting into a converstion

about somthing they cant change ,i can understand that .

 

WHEW....DON'T DO THAT AGAIN! Was really worried about you. Okay, you said the guy was 47 and you don't know his name. Alright, is there anyway to find out your wife's class schedule or what classes she's taking. I hate to ask this, but does your son know his name? You need to find out who he is. I don't know what the Universities and Colleges in England have as a policy for Professors dating students, but it's a big deal here in the states. Report him to the Human Resources department of the University. He will either be sacked or made to quit the relationship with your wife or else HE WILL be sacked. If he's a tenured Professor, I believe he'll go with option number two.

[08roadrunner]

hi everyone ,went to see the doctors today and have been given sleepers and anti depresents , came home and had a sleep , 7 pm ,there was a loud knock at the door ,it was my son with a face like thunder , i said hi and he said dont talk to me he went into his room and started taking his stuff ,he then went into our room and started taking some of his mums stuff ,all this time she was outside in her car with her mother ,i tryed again to talk to him and he was just cold ,i asked again why he did not want to talk , he said you know why , you are a selfish man ,then left , my brother had seen her outside and she said she had told him what happend the other night re the od , she had begged everyone to not let him know , then she tells him just incase his sister told him over face book , i can not believe she would tell him ,i feel like the whole family are going against me , im trying my best to get over this sxxht then this happens , why on earth is she being so ruthless ,i have done nothing in the last 5 weeks to her no contact , appart from the stupid thing i did the other night ,why is she being like this ,she fuxxed off , she is the one having the affair ,why now am i being made to feel the bad guy ? i dont know her as the loving woman she was only 6 weeks ago , is this other guy pulling her strings ? im feeling really confushed and down right now ,

[visualbasicide]

From my own experience buddy, they will do any and everything to shift blame as much as possible. I know exactly what you are talking about, one day I thought I knew who she was, the next day, she was my enemy. I think part of the reason is they know they are hurting you so they do whatever they have to to be mad at you, it hurts THEM less, which is what selfish is all about. Themselves.

 

The only thing that ever ran through my head that made any sense was that my ex "was more selfish than I ever imagined possible". Even if you got her to talk to you, she would blame you for everything so she doesn't have to feel responsible.

 

I think the best way to handle your son, AFTER he cools down, is to acknowledge his feelings and then tell him yes, what you did was selfish and that you are sorry and you made a mistake which you will NOT be repeating.

 

As for her, Get a lawyer as soon as possible and stay no contact. Let her say whatever she want's about you. As far as you are concerned, let your actions show your children that you are a good man. They are hurting over all this too but I am sure they will see the truth when everything settles down.

 

Your son isn't stupid, just confused and hurt. Don't try to change anyone but you, now or ever. Looking back at how everything went down he will see how much you loved her and how she respected that love, not at all.

 

Stay on top of whatever the doctors say to do. Write how you feel down somewhere or post it here, just to get it out. I tended to cuss a lot so I wrote mine down in a notebook. Make sure you get sleep, food and exercise, it does help. Plus after the initial shock of this you will get angry and the gym is a good place to use that negative energy for something positive.

 

In my experience I never got to say goodbye to my daughter because she was a step-child, I think you are fortunate to have children, though it feels like the world is against you and everyone has gone mad, it's just how you feel and not necessarily the truth. Prove by your actions you are a good person and let her worry about her. If you do anything else it will only hurt you more in the long run.

 

Again the best and hardest thing for me to get through my head was that she was being immature and selfish. Once you swallow that concept the rest will make a lot more sense. Just keep hanging on and post back when you need to. Best of luck.

[sadcalifornian]

RR, you should not let yourself hurt by your son's attitude. He is still too young to think by himself, and got mislead by your treacherous WW. Even after D, you will be involved with your son and you will have your chance to set the record straight with him. How he perceive things now is not that important. He will find out the truth eventually, so don't dwell on this thing.

 

As for her and her family siding with her, it is only natural as blood is thicker than water. Someday after dust settles, you can talk heart to heart with your inlaws as well as to what really happened. Right now, you must focus on taking care yourself and your interest. While you are drowning in self pity, you cannot do that. You are only huring yourself, and they will not give a crap about it, unfortunately. Harden yourself and try to move on. You see in a movie that there are always good guys and bad guys. They are the bad ones. You just have to accept it. No matter what fond memories you may have of your WW before her A, she now has forever changed to this evil character and there is nothing you can do about it.

 

Like a tadpole turning into a frog, you cannot reverse the process. What's happened has happened. She is not your W anymore, and her inlaws are not your side anymore. Try to find your support network in family, relatives, friends, or what have you, and seek help from them.

 

Divorce is not parting between two spouses but between two families. Your side up against her side. It's like a war. She surrounds herself with her team telling them all the false reasons why she had no choice but to D you, and you should do the same. The only difference is that you tell your side the truth of what went down.

 

Get a grip on yourself, and move on. You are old enough to know that life is never fair, but believe there are devils among us.

[leftfordead2]

hi everyone ,glad i found this site ,need a bit of advise ,

i have been with the same girl for 25 years ,married for last 3 years,

we have an 18 son , last year my wife went on a degree course which was to do with her work ,she started staying out with the girls on the course evey time they had finished uni , then would ring at 2 in the morning to say she was staying at one of the girls houses which i had no reason to doubt ,arround the end of last year she started getting cold on me and finding fault in everything i did , she started putting on some weight and said she was depressed due to the pressure of the course plus work and was always out with work mates at all hours drinking ,she became more distant and i week after our sons 18 birthday she told me she was not happy ,that since going out with the peaple on her course it had opened her eyes to what she was missing and would prefer to be single , well i was shocked and deverstated ,she said there was no one else it was just she had got to a point in her life that she needed something else ( she is 41 i am 51 ) she stayed at the house i ended up on her mothers sofa , we were sepperated for arround a month then she said she would give it another go

and we aggreed we would have to go out more together and do things we could both enjoy ,so we had some good breaks together ,went on holiday to spain with my best man and his wife ( her best friend ) all seemed fine

then about one week after the trip she said she was going out for a drink with work mates as someone was leaving ,she stayed out that night ,the next day she went to her mothers and stayed there that night ,the next day i came home from work and she was distant again ,i said lets go out tonight for a meal ,she said she was not feeling to good ,so i thought we would just enjoy the evening together with a bottle of wine and a movie,

my son was going out that night so i droped him off and when i came in she was looking nervous ,i asked her what was wrong ,then she dropped the bombshell ,she was lewaving me for good ,she couldent bury her head in the sand anymore ,she loved me ,but not in that way anymore ?

i was tottally shocked ,i asked why and she said she had been seeing someone when at university , but it had stoped but they had recently been seeing each other again , she left , i have been in a depresion since ,this was 5 weeks ago ,i have had one text from her in that timed saying how this was the hardest thing she had ever had to do ,she was really sorry ,she hoped time can mend ,i was a good man and deseverd better , i have been to the doctor who has given me sleeping pills as i could not sleep for the first two weeks , i dont know what to do , it has just ripped my world appart , in have not contacted her as i dont know vwhat to say ,and to be honest im probally putting it off as i dread what she has to say ,whats next ,divorce ? she has told my son it is something that happens everyday , she told him he had met the guy a couple of times whilst out at uni ,she told him he was one of her lectures at uni who had been in pieces as his wife had cheated on him and they were going through a messy divorce , which they confided in each other and then it just happend ( ironicly now i have his pain and suffering ! ) i really dont want to loose my wife , i still love her with all my heart but looks like she has fallen for this divorcee ,she is staying at her mothers house at the momment , but i have been told she still gos out and stays out a couple of times a week, i feel like everything is just spiraling out of control , really any advise would be appriciated

 

Just to clear something up, you met her when she was 16 and you were 26?

[jnj express]

Right now---forget about your wife, forget about your son----you need to take care of you

 

Get someone to stay with you, so you DO NOT TRY to do what you did the other night---and get an appt. with an IC, immediately

 

Right now your mge., and your very, very immature son---are not your concern---YOU AND YOUR WELL BEING ARE YOUR CONCERN

[08roadrunner]

Just to clear something up, you met her when she was 16 and you were 26?

 

she was 18 when we met

[seren]

Hi RR, sorry that you feel that your son is turning against you, I am sure he isn't, but he is hurt, probably angry with you, confused and having to keep a foot in his mother's camp, so to speak. My advice would be to get yourself together, take all the support from GP, MH services, whomever you can, get back to work and start to have puropse. In this way your son will see that he doesn't have to worry about you and that if and when he needs to get support, that you will be able to be there for him. I know he is 18, but you know, he is still your child and children, no matter what age, feel confused when their family is blown apart. Just let him know you are sorry, that is was a one off and that you are getting support and reassure him that you will be OK but are struggling a bit at the moment. Let him know that you love him, will always love him and that you hope that your relationship doesn't change . Do this in the most in control, Dad way that you can, he will need to feel safe, you can help hi.

 

I would also not say anything bad about his mother, or your situation. I never discussed my H's A with our son and told him that his Dad needed him and that he should give him support. He did, but, he also needed to feel that I was comfortable with this. maybe your boy doesn't feel he has the go ahead to be this way with you, I don't know, just keep telling him that you are there for him and keep the machinations between you and your wife away from your time with him. Time is the key here, I don't know what will happen with your marriage, it is still early days but you now need to take steps to get some order in your life. Take all the support you can, take very good care of you.

[08roadrunner]

hi eveyone

thanks to all who posted , feeling down today , was told today that my wife was with this guy who she says is not good looking (irrelivant i know ) , now lives with his mum who he has to take care of as she ill , but they just clicked ,so much in commen , am i supposed to feel better for that ?

she dnt want a divorce as that would complicate things ,and no matter what ,we should hold on to the house as we had aggreed that was our retirement ,we could rent the house out and rent seperate places , we live in a two bedroom bungalow ,were are we going to find the money from that to pay two seperate rentals plus pay the mortgage (£ 260,0000 ) house is probally worth £ 310,0000 in todays market ,thought about the 180 i here so much about , not sure what my next step should be ,any advise from anyone iwhos been in this situation ?, if i try going down the 180 route i may make things worse re the bank ,motgage , dont kniw which way to turn with this

[nyrias2]

hi eveyone

thanks to all who posted , feeling down today , was told today that my wife was with this guy who she says is not good looking (irrelivant i know ) , now lives with his mum who he has to take care of as she ill , but they just clicked ,so much in commen , am i supposed to feel better for that ?

she dnt want a divorce as that would complicate things ,and no matter what ,we should hold on to the house as we had aggreed that was our retirement ,we could rent the house out and rent seperate places , we live in a two bedroom bungalow ,were are we going to find the money from that to pay two seperate rentals plus pay the mortgage (£ 260,0000 ) house is probally worth £ 310,0000 in todays market ,thought about the 180 i here so much about , not sure what my next step should be ,any advise from anyone iwhos been in this situation ?, if i try going down the 180 route i may make things worse re the bank ,motgage , dont kniw which way to turn with this

 

Ask what YOU want. So there is some financial issues, and some work for a divorce. Are you willing to do it? You know, she does not have a choice in this.

 

And sure, it could be worse, and it could be better. Do you want to take a chance to get out of what it is now?

[08roadrunner]

thanks for your reply , honest answer ,dont know ,still love her but know this is a one way sreet right now , most of our friends say its a mid life crises , it wont last ect ect , but who knows ,i thought i knew her before this happened , now its like we never happened , why do peaple do this ?

[visualbasicide]

thanks for your reply , honest answer ,dont know ,still love her but know this is a one way sreet right now , most of our friends say its a mid life crises , it wont last ect ect , but who knows ,i thought i knew her before this happened , now its like we never happened , why do peaple do this ?

 

Because they are selfish, my friend, and want quick fixes for things that take lots of time and effort. I understand the feeling, thought I knew my ex well and never imagined she would take the path she did, or even take it in the way she did. Took me completely by surprise.

[Memphis Raines]

i really dont want to loose my wife , i still love her with all my heart but looks like she has fallen for this divorcee ,she is staying at her mothers house at the momment , but i have been told she still gos out and stays out a couple of times a week, i feel like everything is just spiraling out of control , really any advise would be appriciated

 

ok, first off you should know, I'm in your corner. Been there, done that dude. It hurts, I know.

 

having said that, I'm just going to say this. You are being a chump. why do you love someone that would so callously betray you like this? Why would you love someone that would screw around with other men?

 

you need to realize that she is crap. no offense as I know you are in a deep state of desperation. but you need to see her for what she is. a worthless cheater.

 

Nobody can tell you or do anything if you decide you want to be so in love up to your eyeballs for someone like your cheater wife, its your life.

 

but if you want my opinion, you need to stand up, brush yourself off and realize a better life awaits you out there. a life WITHOUT a woman with the morals and heart of a snake.

[visualbasicide]

ok, first off you should know, I'm in your corner. Been there, done that dude. It hurts, I know.

 

having said that, I'm just going to say this. You are being a chump. why do you love someone that would so callously betray you like this? Why would you love someone that would screw around with other men?

 

you need to realize that she is crap. no offense as I know you are in a deep state of desperation. but you need to see her for what she is. a worthless cheater.

 

Nobody can tell you or do anything if you decide you want to be so in love up to your eyeballs for someone like your cheater wife, its your life.

 

but if you want my opinion, you need to stand up, brush yourself off and realize a better life awaits you out there. a life WITHOUT a woman with the morals and heart of a snake.

 

I don't know man me trying to force myself to feel something else caused me alot of issues and frustration. "I'm supposed to hate her".

 

Who REALLY does? If you really hated her, it just wouldn't hurt. It would totally remove the pain aspect from the whole situation from the start.

 

Now over a given amount of time, you might come around to this perspective, which I tried. Still I had conflicts with this viewpoint because in my case it just isn't true.

 

Yes she is this that and the other, all of the above and none of it was nice, good or anything I want in a partner. It doesn't negate the fact that I loved her very much and I will always love the person she used to be, or at least the person I thought she was.

 

The hurdle is understanding that the person you loved is no longer there, they are dead and gone since they made the choice to betray you for the first time. Someone else has taken their place, they only happen to look like someone you once cared very much for.

 

It makes me no less of a man to admit this to myself, that the way I felt was, at least, genuine. It's enough for me to accept it, understand it and move forward knowing that when things got rough it wasn't me that made the choice to end it, I was there until the very end and there is no shame at all in it.

 

If the anger route works for you, then by all means use it to help you get past this, just saying that for me it wasn't a valid approach to coping with how I felt about the whole thing. Cheers.

[sadcalifornian]

As for the new guy, he seems to be happy just cohabitating with your WW without D. Since he can use a company not only in love department but also sharing the responsibility taking care of his mom, he is getting all he wants. Your WW seems content with this arrangement. But, what about you?

 

I can understand the logic on how not Ding her helps you financially, but honestly that would apply most everyone in a similar sitch, no? So, just because of the financial reason, you plan to formally stay married to this skank of W for how long? How do you plan to move on with your next relationship? What decent girl in the right mind would consider you seriously knowing you are legally married?

 

Your financial is so tight that this seems a good idea to you, then it is your your life and your decision. But, for most people, this is a ridiculous way to live. Do you hope she may come back to you if you stay married? Do you still love her so much? Well, you can always D her a year or two later when you feel ready, I guess. The decision is yours, but I certainly wouldn't be able to stomach this for sure.

[visualbasicide]

As for the new guy, he seems to be happy just cohabitating with your WW without D. Since he can use a company not only in love department but also sharing the responsibility taking care of his mom, he is getting all he wants. Your WW seems content with this arrangement. But, what about you?

 

I can understand the logic on how not Ding her helps you financially, but honestly that would apply most everyone in a similar sitch, no? So, just because of the financial reason, you plan to formally stay married to this skank of W for how long? How do you plan to move on with your next relationship? What decent girl in the right mind would consider you seriously knowing you are legally married?

 

Your financial is so tight that this seems a good idea to you, then it is your your life and your decision. But, for most people, this is a ridiculous way to live. Do you hope she may come back to you if you stay married? Do you still love her so much? Well, you can always D her a year or two later when you feel ready, I guess. The decision is yours, but I certainly wouldn't be able to stomach this for sure.

 

TBH, if you arent planning on starting a relationship with anyone else before you emotionally heal, I don't really think it matters, though maybe closing the deal gives some people some kind of closure, I loved my wife before I signed the marriage certificate and after the divorce was final. Doesn't mean I want her back or approve of anything she did to me.

 

Then again the real worry you might face is if she lawyers up without telling you, puts you at a serious disadvantage emotionally, if not financially as well depending on what she would want out of the divorce. She doesn't care about you or your financial situation. For all you know she could take half of everything you own, stick you with all the costs and, if afterwards, you lose everything from financial hardships, file for sole custody.

 

I am not saying this is the case but I really wouldn't trust anyone proven to be so untrustworthy. Plus I think actually having the divorce finalized was part of the acceptance factor, it kind of drove it home that no matter what I felt or feel about my ex, she was no longer my 'wife'. She was just someone I had history with.

[seibert253]

Above all if you haven't done so, you need to contact a solictor and protect yourself.

 

Don't know about D laws in the UK, but in the good ol' USA, they can get real tricky.

[Try]

i have been with the same girl for 25 years ,married for last 3 years, we have an 18 son

You have been set up. After 25 years you only get married 3 years ago as your son nears 18? If you broke up before you got married she would only get child support for a few years until your son was 18. Now she can go after 1/2 of all you own and try to get alimony. She also got you to help foot the bill as she went back for work related education during those 3 years so that she would be able to make more money after she left you than she did while married to you. You can not save this marriage as she left it long ago.

[robf1971]

,we could rent the house out and rent seperate places

 

 

They all come out with this pie in the sky rubbish. It's only when they start feeling the financial consequences it all comes crashing to earth.

 

Right now she wants whats best for HER, and whats best for facilitating her affair. Anyway talk is very cheap, you need to stop talking to her (except about the kids). Find a lawyer and start working out what your rights are. Pronto..

[08roadrunner]

hi everyone ,

thought i would update you as to whats been going on , well i took your good advise , have been exercising and and am now in good shape , to be honest ,i had hoped she would see sense , but no she is still seeing the home wrecker , but hey ,the roller coster has all but stoped ,so feeling much more positive about the future ,

she has been round a few times giving me sob stories about how things are tough money wise ,so me like the loving husband that i am ( was ! ) i would give her money and help out when i could , she told me she did not want to live with anyone and would look for a little flat somewere nearer work ,but of course money would be a issue , anyway she popped by today to pick up money foe my half of the mortgage and pick upmore clothes , she had been pulling stuff out of her bag to get some paper work re some utility bills , after she had gone i found a folded oiece of paper on the sofa , i opened it and wow ,it was in signed document with his her hers signiture , thay have rented a 3 bed pent house at £ 2000 per month , yes i have photo copied it , rang her and told her i had found it and left it outside for her ,the rest of her stuff will be in bin bags tommorow !

and you think you know someone !

[robf1971]

hi everyone ,

thought i would update you as to whats been going on , well i took your good advise , have been exercising and and am now in good shape , to be honest ,i had hoped she would see sense , but no she is still seeing the home wrecker , but hey ,the roller coster has all but stoped ,so feeling much more positive about the future ,

she has been round a few times giving me sob stories about how things are tough money wise ,so me like the loving husband that i am ( was ! ) i would give her money and help out when i could , she told me she did not want to live with anyone and would look for a little flat somewere nearer work ,but of course money would be a issue , anyway she popped by today to pick up money foe my half of the mortgage and pick upmore clothes , she had been pulling stuff out of her bag to get some paper work re some utility bills , after she had gone i found a folded oiece of paper on the sofa , i opened it and wow ,it was in signed document with his her hers signiture , thay have rented a 3 bed pent house at £ 2000 per month , yes i have photo copied it , rang her and told her i had found it and left it outside for her ,the rest of her stuff will be in bin bags tommorow !

and you think you know someone !

 

Good for you mate!!

 

Sounds like you are handling this really well. Nothingshould surprise you though!! At least she can't come round asking you for money anymore lol

[RobD70]

Dude, you need to ignore her completely now.

 

Don't give her ANY money, don't answer when she rings, don't respond to txt. She is playing you for a sap.

 

You need to understand this is not your fault and get ANGRY. She did this and she WILL crash and burn. Once they are living together odds are it won't last 6 months. During that time you fall off the face of the Earth and look into filing for a divorce. This is something I wish I had done a few years ago when I was in your situation, instead I decided to wait her out. We did reconcile but it took like 18 months when it would have only taken 6 months if I had manned up and filed at the beginning.

 

Whether you want to R or not, you have to cut her from your life and when the time comes (when she come crawling back and respects you for taking care of yourself and not be co-dependent on her) then you can decided if you want to try again or not. That's the ONLY way it can work.

 

She'll start to respect you again the minute you tell her to "go to hell, I don't want to see you anymore". For some reason people are drawn to those that reject them. Reject her and she will come to you.

 

Human nature is stupid as hell but it is what it is.

[robf1971]

She'll start to respect you again the minute you tell her to "go to hell, I don't want to see you anymore". For some reason people are drawn to those that reject them. Reject her and she will come to you.

 

Human nature is stupid as hell but it is what it is.

 

Yep, watch what happens when OM dumps her, she'll pine and beg. That should be part of any BS's playbook.

[08roadrunner]

thanks for all your advise guys , every day that go,s by i feel more distant to her ,i honestly dont know if i could ever trust her again after this , as much as i loved her , i cant relate to her , i know she is in the fog , but what about loyaty ,morals ,integrity ? i have been in situations many times over the years were i could have been disloyal , but my morals would never betray someone i love ,so can not understand others that take that road ,selfish , no other word for it , as i said before ,you think you know someone , i just hope i can feel trust again in the future , because i dont want to open up myself to all that hurt again ,no one should have to go through that , i know i will come out of this a stronger person , but i think the trust thing will always be there in the back of my mind , will update from time to time ,thanks for reading , RR

[whichwayisup]

i opened it and wow ,it was in signed document with his her hers signiture , thay have rented a 3 bed pent house at £ 2000 per month , yes i have photo copied it , rang her and told her i had found it and left it outside for her ,the rest of her stuff will be in bin bags tommorow !

and you think you know someone !

 

No more money from you! She used your kind heart and took advantage of you.

W..T..F, reading the above really made my blood boil! That's just selfish and money hoggin'!

 

Get a lawyer and start paperwork for your divorce.