Boyfriend admitted he wasn't that attracted to me

[Tasha49]

THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE GUYS AND THEY ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY.

 

And they are dumb :-)

 

Hahaha. Silly men!!

 

Though in a moment of seriousness... I find it so odd how women and men differ in terms of emotions/desires.

[Tasha49]

Wow, what a crock of sh*t, OP.

 

I'm sorry but if the person who claimed to love me said that he finds other girls around him more visually attractive and that he isn't very attracted to me I would walk. I would go find a guy who appreciates the relationships and a guy who thinks I am beautiful. No one wants to be only "partially" attractive to their partner. The personality and love alone should be enough to see you as beautiful to him. He shouldn't be unsure at ALL whether or not he could find someone more attractive and leave you for them. His answer should have been a definite no.

 

Sorry but... you should be cherished!

 

Okay now that i've actually read the rest of this thread... I somewhat have changed my mind.

 

What you have described your relationship as seems to me, to be pretty good. He sounds like he does love you a lot and that there is some passion. I don't think you really need to put so much thought into his answer, especially since you asked and brought it up. Maybe (as a few have said) he just worded what he had wanted to say, in a typical man kind of way. Meaning men sometimes don't really think what we find bothersome is bothersome to them. We as women tend to over analyze a man's words.

 

I think he is pretty serious about you. You have a right to be a bit upset with his approach and partial wording on the matter... but I would try letting it pass.

[dreamingoftigers]

hey now... you can call us dumb but, you have to be fair. We have 2 heads that often think differently.

 

I swear that the fact that you guts are designed that way has caused 60% of the pain and dysfunction in society.

 

Oh God, that makes me sound like a man-hater.

 

I guess I just wish there was a way to hand out healthy relationship templates to men and women everywhere.

[Els]

There is nothing wrong with him having those thoughts, the fact that he didn't keep them private is something that has created a problem.

 

Do you tell your gf that she's a bit heavier than the women you usually date but you love her anyway? If you did tell her, do you think she'd appreciate your honesty? Do you think telling her would make her feel good about herself?

 

All I am saying is that he was insensitive saying such a thing.

 

The OP has gone on the internet and created a thread because his admission has affected her. That's saying something about how much this has impacted her.

 

She asked him, D. :/ What was he supposed to say, "I would prefer to keep my thoughts private, thanks"? Lie? I suppose if he was good at dealing with sticky situations with women he could say, "To me, you're the hottest babe around, dear", while not explaining that it was what was inside her that he found hot, instead. But IME, the men who treat women the best, are not often the men with the slickest tongues. I think he just made a boo-boo by being blatantly honest when cornered into a situation.

[zengirl]

First off, I would rather a guy love me for my personality than my looks (of course we all want to be loved for both) because my looks? They're going to fade. That said, if he initiated this (doesn't sound like he did), then Kamille is right, it sounds like a major power play/bad news sort of thing.

 

The guy loves you. He thinks you are the one. As long as he's not bringing doubts up, I don't think you should be worried. Though if YOU bring the doubts up too often, he'll start to believe it's true. We all do it, but I definitely think it's a bad habit.

 

When a person falls in love looks mean nothing.. that person becomes the most beautiful, hot and sexy person they have ever seen... just something to think about

 

I agree with this Art, and it's why I'd have some reservations here, but if he's an analytical type and she dug for it, asking how he felt back then, etc, then I can see it not being a major issue.

 

You dug for that didn't you?

 

It sounds like one of those things where a guy is like, "oh ****, how do I answer this one. How do I get out of this without bring in ****? Okay, I'll try this answer, yeah..... This one makes sense to me..... Oh ****, wrong answer, now she's pissed/crying."

 

Yup. That must suck for guys. Since she initiated it, it's really hard to say. That's why I say NEVER ask someone for validation in this manner. It never works out.

[verhrzn]

I'm late to the game, but I feel it's very important to let you know that I had EXACTLY this situation.

 

I dated a guy for 6 months, and bit by bit, it came out that he didn't find me as attractive/intelligent/sweet as random girls/past girlfriends/friends of his. (His ex was sweeter and hotter, my friend was hotter, his friend was cuter and smarter, you get the idea.) He would tell me things like he's with me because I'm the "whole package," and that he'd rather be with a girl who cuter as opposed to hotter.

 

But if my opinion of my looks and value as a girlfriend were unsteady beforehand, his comments DESTROYED them. Even though he seemed otherwise committed and happy, I could never get it out of my brain.

 

After six months, I finally broke up with him, because I couldn't take the fact that it seemed like he felt he was settling, that he wasn't really that into me, that I was 2nd place, "what he could get."

 

People told me during the break-up I was being insecure and throwing away a good thing. But you wanna know something? He was over the relationship inside a week, and dating a new girl inside a month. And the new girl? He tells her constantly how beautiful she is, how lucky he is to be with her, and tells everyone how much better she is than me.

 

Don't ignore your gut. People told me I was insecure, and that his remarks had n't really meant anything... But his behavior after our break up clearly demonstrated I had been right. He HAD been settling, and HADN'T really been into me.

[Afishwithabike]

I've had a guy tell me something similar. He told me this after I broke up with him to start dating another guy (my now husband). The ex said "You know when we met, I never thought I would fall in love with you. I liked your personality and then I fell in love with your looks" or something like that. He also went on to say he didn't know what I saw in my H.

 

At the time and in that context, both comments came off as sour grapes.

[Enchanted Girl]

I'm late to the game, but I feel it's very important to let you know that I had EXACTLY this situation.

 

I dated a guy for 6 months, and bit by bit, it came out that he didn't find me as attractive/intelligent/sweet as random girls/past girlfriends/friends of his. (His ex was sweeter and hotter, my friend was hotter, his friend was cuter and smarter, you get the idea.) He would tell me things like he's with me because I'm the "whole package," and that he'd rather be with a girl who cuter as opposed to hotter.

 

But if my opinion of my looks and value as a girlfriend were unsteady beforehand, his comments DESTROYED them. Even though he seemed otherwise committed and happy, I could never get it out of my brain.

 

After six months, I finally broke up with him, because I couldn't take the fact that it seemed like he felt he was settling, that he wasn't really that into me, that I was 2nd place, "what he could get."

 

People told me during the break-up I was being insecure and throwing away a good thing. But you wanna know something? He was over the relationship inside a week, and dating a new girl inside a month. And the new girl? He tells her constantly how beautiful she is, how lucky he is to be with her, and tells everyone how much better she is than me.

 

Don't ignore your gut. People told me I was insecure, and that his remarks had n't really meant anything... But his behavior after our break up clearly demonstrated I had been right. He HAD been settling, and HADN'T really been into me.

 

I agree with this statement.

 

If my boyfriend were to ask me if I found him to be the most handsome man in the world, I would say yes and not have to lie because I'm in love with him and don't feel like I am settling.

 

This is why my original advice was and still is that she should break up with him.

 

I've asked all my boyfriends if I was the prettiest girl in the world to them and they said yes because that's how they felt at the time because they were in love with me.

[Pierre]

The guy is a flake.

 

Anyone in a relationship always comes across beautiful people of the opposite gender. It is no big deal and should not interfere at all with the relationship.

 

If I see a beautiful woman and I am with my GF I don't look or ever make a comment. It is all about respect and been emotionally connected to your partner.

 

I may even briefly lust after seen a magnificent figure, but once is out of sight is forgotten.

[Taramere]

I had a pretty big argument with my bf of 7 months. He told me that at first sight, he finds some girls a lot more attractive than he found me. He said that he is attracted to me and that's enough for him and that his feelings now go much deeper. That he is in love with me because of my personality.

 

I told him that my worry is that he will meet a girl that he is extremely attracted to on first sight and then he will like her personality too and he will leave me. He paused and said that he doesn't think he would do that but there are no guarantees in life.

 

I am kind of shaken up by this admission. I am thin and in shape. I have a cute face. He also said that he thinks it's a fairytale to think you will find it all in one person and that he has never found it before. He doesn't believe that he is settling as he has genuine feelings for me. We are both in our mid 30s.

 

.............

 

Should I be worried?

 

I don't think you should be worried, no. First of all, he's absolutely right that there are no guarantees in life. However what you're describing from him in subsequent posts in this thread suggest that he has a lot of respect for the relationship and for you. He stood by you when you were very ill...and so although there are no guarantees that you and he will last the course, there's probably a significantly better than average chance that you will.

 

The issue of him not finding you the "hottest" woman ever...well, that might be related to his affection for you. Cute faced and thin would probably be enough to make most men pretty happy if combined with a personality they really got along with. Male or female, I should think it's difficult for most people to be an adoring, swooning fan of somebody they very quickly clicked and felt comfortable with. However, clicking and being comfortable with - and having, as you've described, a good sex life, sounds like a recipe for a successful long term relationship.

 

You could both split up and find people you had more heat, more drama and less comfort with. You're maybe wondering whether that should be your play, because what he said made you feel a bit flat about the whole thing. I suspect it's just the kind of flatness that mundane reality injections can bring about.

 

The opposite of the situation you're talking about here would involve a guy being adamant that you're the woman of his dreams, placing you on a pedestal...and subjecting you to that rollercoaster of adoring you one moment, and hating you the next because some trivial detail shatters various ridiculous illusions he has about you. UnJuliet like as your guy's perceptions about you and the relationship might leave you feeling, he's probably a better bet for a successful long term relationship.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Taramere

[suckered]

Before him, I was with a guy who thought that I was the hottest thing ever. He constantly told me how blown away he is by my looks, how he nearly fainted when we met and so on. We were over in less than 3 months. His reason was that he was just unable to fall in love with me and that strong attraction fizzled out.

 

My current bf tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He never says that mine or his friends or other random girls are more beautiful than me...until I probed and he told me what I described in the original post.

 

I very much doubt that he would be over me in a week. When we fight, he is a wreck, doesn't sleep, cries all the time, tries so hard to work things out etc.

[suckered]

I agree with this statement.

 

If my boyfriend were to ask me if I found him to be the most handsome man in the world, I would say yes and not have to lie because I'm in love with him and don't feel like I am settling.

 

This is why my original advice was and still is that she should break up with him.

 

I've asked all my boyfriends if I was the prettiest girl in the world to them and they said yes because that's how they felt at the time because they were in love with me.

 

Most of them were lying. I can guarantee you that.

[Els]

I agree with this statement.

 

If my boyfriend were to ask me if I found him to be the most handsome man in the world, I would say yes and not have to lie because I'm in love with him and don't feel like I am settling.

 

This is why my original advice was and still is that she should break up with him.

 

I've asked all my boyfriends if I was the prettiest girl in the world to them and they said yes because that's how they felt at the time because they were in love with me.

 

 

I don't think it's fair of you to put them on the spot like that. I think the answer depends more on the type of person answering than their actual passion/attraction towards you. ie, some people, especially the more pragmatic sort, actually make a distinction between objective beauty and personal attraction. I know I do. I think Brad Pitt is pretty darn good looking, but I don't find him attractive. Similarly, I am most attracted to my bf, but I couldn't in good conscience say I think he is more objectively handsome than, say, Brad Pitt. Because, hell, Brad Pitt makes a career out of his looks, for chrissakes.

[Els]

Yup. That must suck for guys. Since she initiated it, it's really hard to say. That's why I say NEVER ask someone for validation in this manner. It never works out.

 

Precisely; I think this is a really good idea, zengirl. For example, I know that at the time the bf had first started pursuing me, there was a girl whom I personally find to be model-hot, who was interested in him at the same time. Now, if I had asked him, "Do you think I'm prettier than her?"... Well, frankly, I'm not sure if I would like his answer. And that's the funny thing about us girls, isn't it? We objectively know that some other women are better-looking than ourselves, and we can admit it to ourselves, but when our SO admits it, we feel hurt. Why is that?

 

Anyway, we've been together for 3 years now and I have never asked him this, and don't plan to. I don't see a point in it: To me, I think the point is that he earnestly pursued me even though he knew he had the option of her, and thus there must be something that made him want me more, even though she might be objectively better-looking. And that's enough for me.

[zengirl]

Precisely; I think this is a really good idea, zengirl. For example, I know that at the time the bf had first started pursuing me, there was a girl whom I personally find to be model-hot, who was interested in him at the same time. Now, if I had asked him, "Do you think I'm prettier than her?"... Well, frankly, I'm not sure if I would like his answer. And that's the funny thing about us girls, isn't it? We objectively know that some other women are better-looking than ourselves, and we can admit it to ourselves, but when our SO admits it, we feel hurt. Why is that?

 

Anyway, we've been together for 3 years now and I have never asked him this, and don't plan to. I don't see a point in it: To me, I think the point is that he earnestly pursued me even though he knew he had the option of her, and thus there must be something that made him want me more, even though she might be objectively better-looking. And that's enough for me.

 

I don't believe I can judge objective looks, personally. I will say my way of judging if another woman is prettier than me is simple: Would I rather look like me or does some part of me wish I looked like her? And on the occasion I see someone and think I'd rather look like her, I don't find myself that hurt. A twinge of jealousy? Sure. But it's the same one when I see a really snazzy apartment I wish I could afford or I hear about a great vacation I can't go on.

 

I think women sometimes make beauty too much a part of who they are.

 

Do I want my BF to think I'm dead-sexy and beautiful? Yes. Of course. Do I want a guy who picks the prettiest girl he can get, even if that's me, and uses that as his criteria for a GF? Absolutely not. So the looks of any other gal in the world? They're irrelevant. Because, hopefully, that's only one component of how he decided on me, and it's not a comparison thing.

 

And do you know how many girls I've heard say, "I didn't like him at first, but I fell in love with him over time" and how that's usually received as a GOOD thing. Why, then, is it a bad thing if a man does the same thing and says, "When I saw you, I didn't know yet. But thank goodness we went out because now I know you're the one." Which is, with poorer wording on his part, essentially what the OP's BF seems to be saying. He's saying he loves her for who she is, and isn't that the dream?

[carhill]

If I am in love... I don't even think of any other men sexually. Even if I am intoxicated. I only ever think about my boyfriend. If the spark is strong enough, I will never see myself with anyone else. Even sexually.

 

Sounds familiar, even though anecdotes in this thread apparently categorize this behavior in males as outlier. I recall, when that love died with my exW, women who prior had suggested their 'availability' became more attractive. Prior, they didn't even register.

 

My own datapoint was, once I discerned my exW, through her behavior and words, didn't find me attractive, she was disconnected. I mean, why bother? Of course there are tons of men who are 'hotter', but that's not the point. The point is one should be emotionally, sexually and spiritually attracted to the one they're committed to. Even when things are rough, there is an underlying current of that attraction which keeps them in the game and engaged.

 

I realize this is a BF/GF situation, so perhaps different, but don't get married without it, IMO. Good luck.

[Els]

I don't believe I can judge objective looks, personally. I will say my way of judging if another woman is prettier than me is simple: Would I rather look like me or does some part of me wish I looked like her? And on the occasion I see someone and think I'd rather look like her, I don't find myself that hurt. A twinge of jealousy? Sure. But it's the same one when I see a really snazzy apartment I wish I could afford or I hear about a great vacation I can't go on.

 

I think women sometimes make beauty too much a part of who they are.

 

Do I want my BF to think I'm dead-sexy and beautiful? Yes. Of course. Do I want a guy who picks the prettiest girl he can get, even if that's me, and uses that as his criteria for a GF? Absolutely not. So the looks of any other gal in the world? They're irrelevant. Because, hopefully, that's only one component of how he decided on me, and it's not a comparison thing.

 

And do you know how many girls I've heard say, "I didn't like him at first, but I fell in love with him over time" and how that's usually received as a GOOD thing. Why, then, is it a bad thing if a man does the same thing and says, "When I saw you, I didn't know yet. But thank goodness we went out because now I know you're the one." Which is, with poorer wording on his part, essentially what the OP's BF seems to be saying. He's saying he loves her for who she is, and isn't that the dream?

 

I completely agree with this. The bolded, especially, is a huge requirement for me - simply put, a guy who makes appearances his #1 priority is a dealbreaker.

 

To be fair, though, I do not think it is only the fact that women make beauty too much a part of who they are, but also partly the fact that society makes beauty too much a part of who a woman is. I once read an article that resounded with me: The modern woman is appreciated for being intelligent, capable, talented, strong, brave.. but she is expected to do all those things in addition to being beautiful, not instead of. Beauty is often still seen as the most important attribute or asset of a woman; not by everyone, fortunately, but by many people. Will that change in our lifetimes? I doubt it, but perhaps in our granddaughters' lifetimes.

[westrock]

The modern woman is appreciated for being intelligent, capable, talented, strong, brave.. but she is expected to do all those things in addition to being beautiful, not instead of. Beauty is often still seen as the most important attribute or asset of a woman; not by everyone, fortunately, but by many people.

 

One's perception of physical beauty is influencd by and subject to change by the non-physical qualities of the person being perceived. As such, in addition to saying "in addition to" or "instead of", I think there is also a third scenario that is often overlooked: The modern woman who is intelligent, capable, talented, strong, brave, etc. IS beautiful. The non-physical qualities in of themselves will influence the perception by others to consider them as being physically beautiful.

[Kelemort]

Been in this situation before. In my case, it was insecurity surfacing because he never wanted to be intimate with me. He'd even get irritated if I tried to kiss him. He ALWAYS blatantly checks out other women when we go out - a glance is okay but he goes beyond that and it's outright disrespectful, imo. We've had so many talks about it and he's finally learning somewhat, but it's still not perfect. In any case, after he ogled these two women in short skirts all night.

 

That was when he went into his diatribe about his preferred body type, and how my body is a negative and slightly unattractive compared to those womens' bodies. It's heart-breaking to hear the truth but I know that all men prefer bodies like that (more or less), so that's just reality. I had started working out before that and I've now lost about 30 pounds. Huh, whudda thunk, suddenly he's more attracted to me/hands-on now. And I'm much colder and less interested in sex with him because of his honesty.

 

Pushed into a corner or not - you LIE. You lie your ass off. So what? At worst, you say, "you're the prettiest girl ever." And it ends WELL for you. She's the only girl you've got your eyes on...or should, anyway, so what does it matter? On the opposite side, if you're too honest, you risk absolutely shredding her self-esteem.

 

Looks are important to men and that's why women focus so much on them. I'd imagine "Good-looking" is somewhere in a man's top 5, whether he admits to it or not. So, image is important. And it's crushing to hear that you aren't your partner's ideal or that you're somewhere in the middle...or at the bottom, at best. Ouch, babe. Real ouch.

 

I'd say leave. Because as another poster pointed out, you will find someone who thinks you're really gorgeous. And often, ladies, that means going a step or two down in the looks department from where you are. Men are happiest when their girlfriends are more attractive than they are; if the girlfriend's less attractive, they act more like jerks. Research confirms it.

[Els]

Kelemort, your situation is completely different from the OP's. I'm sure you can see how. :/