Boyfriend admitted he wasn't that attracted to me

[Art_Critic]

It sounds to me like that is exactly what her bf is trying to say, albeit not in a very polished manner.

 

Interesting take on it...

Maybe it was what he was trying to say.. except he mentioned that in the begin he wasn't attracted to her.. like a dope

[westrock]

OP, he could have chosen his words better, but I think you're reading too much into what he is saying.

 

You're putting too much emphasis on what he thought at first sight. Sure it would be nice, but earth-shattering passion at first sight is unreasonable and will burn out fast. Lots of people who thought they had that, were wrong in the end when they found out more about the person's personality. One the other hand, lots of happily married people didn't have earth-shattering passion at first sight but once they got to know their partner they developed a much deeper love that is what's needed for the long term. That sounds like your boyfriend. His approach may not be the stuff of a Hollywood romance movie but it's also not necessarily something you should break up with.

 

I agree with Elswyth regarding his comment about there's no guarantees in life.

 

Look more towards his actions, not his words.

[Els]

Well, that's exactly what he told me. We were talking of attraction at first sight, rather than physical attraction to me now. He told me that when he falls in love, looks don't matter and that he is in love with me.

 

He also said that he tends to feel more passion the more emotionally connected he feels (unlike most men) and that the amount of passion he feels with me is increasing because he is developing deeper and deeper feelings for me.

 

It's all confusing and I am not sure if it's grounds for a break up.

 

Ummm. So what exactly is wrong with this? The bolded sounds exactly like my bf, and sounds like a keeper to me. *shrugs* But maybe those viewpoints aren't compatible with yours, and in that case you might be right to reconsider things.

[SteveC80]

I hear women on here say it all the time as well that their bf or husband isnt the hottest thing around but they fell in love with his personality and i think its set up for failure

 

You need that animal attraction whrere u wanna rip his or her clothes of at all times in long term relationships imo,obviously you need more then that but without it theres gonna be issues eventually

 

The first fight or bump in the road the other person is gonna be thinking "i can put up with this bs from someone hotter"

[Art_Critic]

so you are telling me if a girl truly loves me, If I gained 200 lbs it wouldn't matter to her? I doubt she would find me physically attractive at 400 lbs.

 

Correct.. it wouldn't matter... she might want you to lose weight so you don't die of a heart attack however.

 

I do think though there are limits to what you are proposing.. at 400 lbs you are undergoing such a huge transformation that her life as well as yours will be tremendously affected by the weight gain and that might take a toll on the relationship..

 

and by the way.. life isn't always about worst case scenario..

[Els]

I hear women on here say it all the time as well that their bf or husband isnt the hottest thing around but they fell in love with his personality and i think its set up for failure

 

You need that animal attraction whrere u wanna rip his or her clothes of at all times in long term relationships imo,obviously you need more then that but without it theres gonna be issues eventually

 

The first fight or bump in the road the other person is gonna be thinking "i can put up with this bs from someone hotter"

 

Just because you have never been wildly sexually attracted to someone for things other than their appearance, does not mean that no one can. 'First impression' and 'sexual passion I have for you now' are two completely different things.

 

If everyone only felt sexual passion for the most handsome/beautiful person they know, 10% of men and women would have hundreds of people chasing after them and the others would have no one interested in them at all. Evidently this is not happening.

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

So you are saying I could have a career writing dialog for the movies?

 

give me your BF's email, I will send him my best lines

 

 

Haha yep maybe!! Lol I have a career in picking out editing errors in movies, and in predicting exactly what people will say and do in the movies.

 

No BF so no place to send them. But if you want to teach single guys how to act then send them to every single guy in america.

[suckered]

OP, he could have chosen his words better, but I think you're reading too much into what he is saying.

 

You're putting too much emphasis on what he thought at first sight. Sure it would be nice, but earth-shattering passion at first sight is unreasonable and will burn out fast. Lots of people who thought they had that, were wrong in the end when they found out more about the person's personality. One the other hand, lots of happily married people didn't have earth-shattering passion at first sight but once they got to know their partner they developed a much deeper love that is what's needed for the long term. That sounds like your boyfriend. His approach may not be the stuff of a Hollywood romance movie but it's also not necessarily something you should break up with.

 

I agree with Elswyth regarding his comment about there's no guarantees in life.

 

Look more towards his actions, not his words.

 

That's exactly how he explained it westrock.

 

I asked him "so - you have been in relationships where you felt more passion than with me?" He actually said - "No, because I don't look for that in a relationship. There has to be some chemistry but beyond that, it's seeing if the person has other qualities and we can build something deeper and long lasting"

 

BTW, our sex life is frequent and great.

[suckered]

I hear women on here say it all the time as well that their bf or husband isnt the hottest thing around but they fell in love with his personality and i think its set up for failure

 

You need that animal attraction whrere u wanna rip his or her clothes of at all times in long term relationships imo,obviously you need more then that but without it theres gonna be issues eventually

 

The first fight or bump in the road the other person is gonna be thinking "i can put up with this bs from someone hotter"

 

We had quite a few bumps and he proved loyal to me. He even cried during our fights and was always doing everything in his power to save the relationship. I was recently diagnosed with a serious illness and he was there for me every step of the way.

 

That's why I feel it would be silly to dump him over this, although on some base level my feelings have been hurt.

[xoxoDaniellexoxo]

We had quite a few bumps and he proved loyal to me. He even cried during our fights and was always doing everything in his power to save the relationship. I was recently diagnosed with a serious illness and he was there for me every step of the way.

 

That's why I feel it would be silly to dump him over this, although on some base level my feelings have been hurt.

 

I'm sorry to hear you are sick. I hope you get better.

[westrock]

Suckered, I wish you a quick recovery to good health.

 

although on some base level my feelings have been hurt.

 

Try to get to the root of this before you self-sabotage your relationship.

 

Remember, nobody will be perfect and nobody will meet our ideal image of a partner. Does that mean we should break up with them if they fall short on some quality that doesn't match our own self defined ideal? No. It's important to weigh all factors in assessing someone for a long term relationship and to try and assess what is really important.

 

From what you've described about your relationship it seems he is a mature guy who is very committed to you. He has been there for you in your time of need. If only more people were like that! Don't throw away a good thing.

[Sanman]

OP,

Reading what he said, I kind of have to agree with him. This is one of those truths that many couples never tell each other because it hurts. It may have been a mistake to tell you, but at least he is being honest with you. Personally, my gf is wonderful, we get along better than I have ever gotten along with anyone in a relationship, we love the same things and are on the same page financially, our friends liked the other immediately, and I can see a serious ltr and maybe marriage in this relationship. That said, she is a bit heavier than the girls I normally date. She has a pretty face, beautiful eyes, and I am attracted to her. She even admitted to me that she felt I was 'out of her league' the first time we met. The thing is, I have been in a number of relationships and dated many girls. I know that I have never met another woman that has worked for me personality-wise the way she does. sure I could give up a 90% amazing relationship to look for a skinnier girl, but there is not guarantee I will ever find that and I am not a male model either (just an average looking, fit, tall guy). So, I choose to be in a great relationship instead. Would I leave if I met the perfect girl of my dreams, she loved me, and we wanted to be together? Maybe. However, over the course of my dating career I have dated around 100 women. I am friends with dozens more. I have yet to come across that woman and likely never will. I'm not holding my breath and I am not looking. I am sure I fail her expectations in some ways too and I hope she looks past my flaws and realizes all the wonderful qualities I offer her. The question is, is the fairytale more important to you than the wonderful man you have that is there for you?

 

As a sidenote, I value the contributions of all the posters in this thread and have nothing but respect for you all. However, the ones that are bothered by him admitting that your relationship is not perfect are largely single to my recollection. That doesn't mean their advice is not to be valued. Just something to consider.

[Shaun-Dro]

I had a pretty big argument with my bf of 7 months. He told me that at first sight, he finds some girls a lot more attractive than he found me. He said that he is attracted to me and that's enough for him and that his feelings now go much deeper. That he is in love with me because of my personality.

 

I told him that my worry is that he will meet a girl that he is extremely attracted to on first sight and then he will like her personality too and he will leave me. He paused and said that he doesn't think he would do that but there are no guarantees in life.

 

I am kind of shaken up by this admission. I am thin and in shape. I have a cute face. He also said that he thinks it's a fairytale to think you will find it all in one person and that he has never found it before. He doesn't believe that he is settling as he has genuine feelings for me. We are both in our mid 30s.

 

.............

 

Should I be worried?

 

You're in your mid 30s? Yea, start worrying in the next five or so years if you're still together.

[D-Lish]

OP,

Reading what he said, I kind of have to agree with him. This is one of those truths that many couples never tell each other because it hurts. It may have been a mistake to tell you, but at least he is being honest with you. Personally, my gf is wonderful, we get along better than I have ever gotten along with anyone in a relationship, we love the same things and are on the same page financially, our friends liked the other immediately, and I can see a serious ltr and maybe marriage in this relationship. That said, she is a bit heavier than the girls I normally date. She has a pretty face, beautiful eyes, and I am attracted to her. She even admitted to me that she felt I was 'out of her league' the first time we met. The thing is, I have been in a number of relationships and dated many girls. I know that I have never met another woman that has worked for me personality-wise the way she does. sure I could give up a 90% amazing relationship to look for a skinnier girl, but there is not guarantee I will ever find that and I am not a male model either (just an average looking, fit, tall guy). So, I choose to be in a great relationship instead. Would I leave if I met the perfect girl of my dreams, she loved me, and we wanted to be together? Maybe. However, over the course of my dating career I have dated around 100 women. I am friends with dozens more. I have yet to come across that woman and likely never will. I'm not holding my breath and I am not looking. I am sure I fail her expectations in some ways too and I hope she looks past my flaws and realizes all the wonderful qualities I offer her. The question is, is the fairytale more important to you than the wonderful man you have that is there for you?

 

As a sidenote, I value the contributions of all the posters in this thread and have nothing but respect for you all. However, the ones that are bothered by him admitting that your relationship is not perfect are largely single to my recollection. That doesn't mean their advice is not to be valued. Just something to consider.

 

There is nothing wrong with him having those thoughts, the fact that he didn't keep them private is something that has created a problem.

 

Do you tell your gf that she's a bit heavier than the women you usually date but you love her anyway? If you did tell her, do you think she'd appreciate your honesty? Do you think telling her would make her feel good about herself?

 

All I am saying is that he was insensitive saying such a thing.

 

The OP has gone on the internet and created a thread because his admission has affected her. That's saying something about how much this has impacted her.

[Sanman]

There is nothing wrong with him having those thoughts, the fact that he didn't keep them private is something that has created a problem.

 

Do you tell your gf that she's a bit heavier than the women you usually date but you love her anyway? If you did tell her, do you think she'd appreciate your honesty? Do you think telling her would make her feel good about herself?

 

All I am saying is that he was insensitive saying such a thing.

 

The OP has gone on the internet and created a thread because his admission has affected her. That's saying something about how much this has impacted her.

 

I'm not disagreeing that it was a bit of a boneheaded thing to say IMO. However, I still think it was honest. Some people can handle and prefer honesty. Others prefer a little sugar. I'm just saying that I don't think it was as big of a deal as some here have made it out to be. He just shed a little light on a common, but harsh truth. Otherwise, we would all be dating swimsuit models. Though, I feel the OP is feeling more insecure about the relationship than offended by the comment. I'm sure she felt in her head that she was his ideal. Now she has to deal with the fact that this is not the case. The truth is that anyone who's SO has ever admitted to a celebrity crush is pretty much saying the same thing implicitly.

 

EDIT: D-lish, in case you felt anything in my previous post was aimed specifically at you, it was not.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Sanman

[dreamingoftigers]

You dug for that didn't you?

 

It sounds like one of those things where a guy is like, "oh ****, how do I answer this one. How do I get out of this without bring in ****? Okay, I'll try this answer, yeah..... This one makes sense to me..... Oh ****, wrong answer, now she's pissed/crying."

[westrock]

Conversation came up because I asked him. We were talking about passion in general so I brought it up.

 

He tends to blurt things out. He talks a lot and often says things that would be considered inappropriate and then kicks himself later about them. He already apologized, but still what he said was true.

 

There is nothing wrong with him having those thoughts, the fact that he didn't keep them private is something that has created a problem.

 

Her bringing it up initially is what created the problem, not his failure to keep it private. She has to accept some responsibility too. Yes, he could have been a bit more sensitive, but then one can also say she should have more confidence in the relationship.

 

She knows he tends to blurt things out, and knowing this, she still brought up the topic. He could have lied, but that would have been worse and it's probably not in his nature. He was put in a no win situation. He even recognized she felt hurt and apologized. What more can the guy do?

 

Despite all this, she needs to put this in context and focus on all the other positive aspects of their relationship.

[chelle21689]

I thought this goes for everyone but I guess it's just me?? When I feel like I am falling for someone they just become the most attractive person ever to me and it's be very hard for anyone to compare. I mean I know they're not the "stereotypically" good-looking person but to me they are. Am I the only one that feels this way? I mean it's just liking the person amplifies their attractiveness.

[Tasha49]

Wow, what a crock of sh*t, OP.

 

I'm sorry but if the person who claimed to love me said that he finds other girls around him more visually attractive and that he isn't very attracted to me I would walk. I would go find a guy who appreciates the relationships and a guy who thinks I am beautiful. No one wants to be only "partially" attractive to their partner. The personality and love alone should be enough to see you as beautiful to him. He shouldn't be unsure at ALL whether or not he could find someone more attractive and leave you for them. His answer should have been a definite no.

 

Sorry but... you should be cherished!

[dreamingoftigers]

That's how girls work. It turns out men actually want us for our PERSONALITIES.

 

It kind of hurts to realize that. I am not joking. They still get all visually happy from others because the sex pursuance and love parts of their brains are separated while ours are more heavily interlinked.

 

What a guy does with his sex drive and how he was raised (role-modeled intimate template) will go far into showing what his sex life and desires will be.

[Yellow_Duck'y]

Hmmmm. I think breaking up with him because he didn't find you to be the hottest babe at first sight, would be silly. Did you happen to find him hotter, than say Chris Evans, at first glance?

 

Probably not.

 

And whose to say down the road, you won't go googoo-gaga over someone else at first sight. He is right, in that there are no guarantees, even though in our hearts we'd like to believe in happily ever after. His comments were a bit non-romantic, so I get why you'd think to yourself "Eweeee".

[Tasha49]

I thought this goes for everyone but I guess it's just me?? When I feel like I am falling for someone they just become the most attractive person ever to me and it's be very hard for anyone to compare. I mean I know they're not the "stereotypically" good-looking person but to me they are. Am I the only one that feels this way? I mean it's just liking the person amplifies their attractiveness.

 

This is so true for me!!! And what bugs me most is that no guy ever believes me.

 

If I am in love... I don't even think of any other men sexually. Even if I am intoxicated. I only ever think about my boyfriend. If the spark is strong enough, I will never see myself with anyone else. Even sexually.

 

I told my last bf that I loved him so much that no one even compares. I told him that if I see a cute guy that is all he will ever be. I never have sexual feelings for a guy at all and that guy I think is cute will only always be a cute face. Nothing about him ever sticks. Maybe I'm weird.

[D-Lish]

I'm not disagreeing that it was a bit of a boneheaded thing to say IMO. However, I still think it was honest. Some people can handle and prefer honesty. Others prefer a little sugar. I'm just saying that I don't think it was as big of a deal as some here have made it out to be. He just shed a little light on a common, but harsh truth. Otherwise, we would all be dating swimsuit models. Though, I feel the OP is feeling more insecure about the relationship than offended by the comment. I'm sure she felt in her head that she was his ideal. Now she has to deal with the fact that this is not the case. The truth is that anyone who's SO has ever admitted to a celebrity crush is pretty much saying the same thing implicitly.

 

EDIT: D-lish, in case you felt anything in my previous post was aimed specifically at you, it was not.

 

I don't take what you've said personally:), but I would take a man telling me 6 months later that he didn't find me as physically appealing as he's found other girls during a first date personally. That's just something that should never be admitted if you truly love the woman (person) you're with.

 

I can understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. But you have never answered the question about whether or not you have told your gf that she's more overweight than the girls you ever date... WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD HER THAT? Is it perhaps because you know saying such a thing would hurt her feelings???

 

I'm really more about what motivated him to say this to her- because it's insulting. I can see your logic in approach to dating and that some people don't acknowledge the harsh truth that we're not all supermodels... But you should never actually tell your partner that they aren't your supermodel....

 

I get your concept- I just don't agree with this particular guys delivery of it to the OP. You're justifying the honest feelings about the partner's we all choose. I have had more sexual chemistry with other lovers than I had with my recent ex... But I NEVER would have voiced that to him... Why? Because I am insightful enough to know it would have made him feel bad. Just as you're insightful enough to know telling you're gf she's heavier than previous gf's isn't a smart move, or a move that's going to enrich the relationship.

 

I don't deny the concept of "settling" for reality and making the best of it, I oppose the voicing of it to your partner.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think that people should be very careful digging for "truths" that we may not be ready or able to handle.

 

He IS attracted to you, you have a good sex life, he is there for you in all ways, and HE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. Couldn't all of that speak for itself without you needing that other information?

[dreamingoftigers]

This is so true for me!!! And what bugs me most is that no guy ever believes me.

 

If I am in love... I don't even think of any other men sexually. Even if I am intoxicated. I only ever think about my boyfriend. If the spark is strong enough, I will never see myself with anyone else. Even sexually.

 

I told my last bf that I loved him so much that no one even compares. I told him that if I see a cute guy that is all he will ever be. I never have sexual feelings for a guy at all and that guy I think is cute will only always be a cute face. Nothing about him ever sticks. Maybe I'm weird.

 

THEY DON'T BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE THEY ARE GUYS AND THEY ARE WIRED DIFFERENTLY.

 

And they are dumb :-)