LDR fatigue

[Art_Critic]

My wife and I (with the kid of course) commute 2+ hours every other weekend or so to go to the cabin..

When I was single I would do that commute 2-3 times a week..

With gas prices though it would be tougher to keep up the 2-3 times a week.

 

There would be many days I would get off work.. drive 2+ hrs to the mountains.. work on the yard or whatever, watch some TV and then drive home at midnight....

 

So yes TBF.. 300 miles while it is more than 2 hours driving certainly is doable..

I do think I remember reading though that he doesn't drive and she doesn't have a car.. something to that effect..

So a rental might be in order maybe once a month..

[Kamille]

You guys are making me think I should look into buying a car earlier rather than later! But the train is actually quite practical between the two cities.

 

He'll be here any minute.

 

Re: who should move:

 

For some reason, that I can't quite figure out, I feel like the pressure is on me to move to his city. Maybe it's because I've been the more nomadic, where he is more settled in his town. Maybe it's the age-old gender expectations.

 

But the most important point for me is that we don't have to decide right now. Hopefully we can find a mid-term solution that will work for us.

[D-Lish]

I hope you can too- good luck Kam:love:

[Art_Critic]

But the train is actually quite practical between the two cities.

 

hmmm.. I never thought about the train...

[threebyfate]

Train's can be convenient and potentially faster than driving. More reason why the distance shouldn't be a dealbreaker.

 

*fingers crossed*

[marlena]

Kamille, of course you don't need to make am irreversible decision right now. In fact you don't need to make any decision right now. Hold onto that thought and give yourselves some time. Just don't rush things. It'll be OK.

[torn_curtain]

It's only 300 miles? That's nothing. I was seeing a guy once who lived even farther away than that and we would see each other ever weekend. I think that's definitely manageable.

[D-Lish]

It's only 300 miles? That's nothing. I was seeing a guy once who lived even farther away than that and we would see each other ever weekend. I think that's definitely manageable.

 

I think it is as well, in the short term... I did this with my exH for many years- he worked in the states and drove home to Canada, sometimes he was gone on contract for more than 6 weeks. After 5 years of this, it was so frustrating. I was in a relationship but I felt really lonely, it really took its toll on our relationship.

[marlena]

Obviously a LDR can not last forever. Eventually, like D-Lish said, it will take its toll.

 

Kamille, you have to work out what it is you really want in the long term and stick to it. Somehow, correct me if I am wrong, I tend to believe that marriage and children are not all that high up in your list of priorities. You are fiercely independent, career orientated and comfortable living on your own. That much I know. Perhaps this is why you feel fine in this LDR. Like you said, this arrangement fills your needs perfectly. I know how that feels. I was the same. Even now, I find living with a man 24/7 difficult after years of being on my own.

 

Think of this: If he were to find a good job in the same city, would you want to commit 100% to him? Live with him? Marry him? Have his children possibly?

 

Is it the distance you really fear or is it total commitment?

 

P.S. I hope I am not being too indiscreet by asking.

Edited August 15, 2011 by marlena

[threebyfate]

Hope everything's okay, Kamille. Thinking about you this morning.

[OpenBook]

Hi Kamille, just throwing in another "support ding" for you in my hopes for a good outcome with your BF!

 

I hope that no matter what happens with him you'll remember two things:

 

(1) If he's the right guy, it'll work out no matter what you do. If he's NOT the right guy, it won't.

 

(2) With or without him, you're still fabulous. Nobody can take that away from you.

 

Sending positive vibes your way! <<<<good vibrations>>>>

[Kamille]

Hope everything's okay, Kamille. Thinking about you this morning.

 

Thanks! That's really sweet.

 

So we were able to talk last night and at noon we went out for lunch. Here's how I understand what's going on. There is an underlying issue that is exacerbated by the distance. (See above, re: Sex. Basically he worries that we're disconnecting on that level; I just don't see it.). We both agree the issue isn't insurmountable, since we're both, well, willing to work on it . I got to express how I felt, he got to express how he felt and we agree the truth is probably somewhere in between our two views. We've each made a suggestion on what we would like the other to do, to be revisited in the future.

 

When it comes to the distance, for the short term, we're going to try to see each other 3x a month and always make time for each other when we do. The last few times we saw each other, there was always something else going on, be it family visiting, work related, weddings, etc. So, basically, the last few times we saw each other, we were always occupied at other things. I hadn't really noticed, but he did.

 

For the mid-term, we're eventually going to pool our housing and transportation budgets so that "our" homier apartment will be in his city. (So apartment there and room or bachelor here). I will spend my summers there and throughout terms, we'll commute at the same rate we do now.

 

We're still undecided on the long term, as to who would move where. For me, it would definitely depend on the career opportunities.

 

Obviously a LDR can not last forever. Eventually, like D-Lish said, it will take its toll.

 

Kamille, you have to work out what it is you really want in the long term and stick to it. Somehow, correct me if I am wrong, I tend to believe that marriage and children are not all that high up in your list of priorities. You are fiercely independent, career orientated and comfortable living on your own. That much I know. Perhaps this is why you feel fine in this LDR. Like you said, this arrangement fills your needs perfectly. I know how that feels. I was the same. Even now, I find living with a man 24/7 difficult after years of being on my own.

 

Think of this: If he were to find a good job in the same city, would you want to commit 100% to him? Live with him? Marry him? Have his children possibly?

 

Is it the distance you really fear or is it total commitment?

 

P.S. I hope I am not being too indiscreet by asking.

 

You know me so well Marlena. Yes, because I tend to be career centered and love my independence, a LDR is easier for me than most people. And I do have commitment issues, although BF is probably the only one of all the guys I've dated who's never triggered them, even when we lived in the same city. I sometimes daydream about us living together and we both hope we'll make it happen sometime in the future. We talk about marriage often. We're undecided on children. For me, that does have to do with fears of losing my independence.

 

I think it is as well, in the short term... I did this with my exH for many years- he worked in the states and drove home to Canada, sometimes he was gone on contract for more than 6 weeks. After 5 years of this, it was so frustrating. I was in a relationship but I felt really lonely, it really took its toll on our relationship.

 

Yes, he and I both agree that 500 km / 300 miles isn't the end of the world. It's not as convenient as, say 300 km, but it's doable. Where he struggled was that he didn't see when in the future things would improve. I suggested the "home" in his city idea and he lighted up.

 

So we're in a better spot. You guys were right, he brought it up so that we could address the issues before they became major problems, not because he had made unilateral decisions on his side.

 

Thanks again everyone for your support. I'm feeling much better now but the last two days were horrendous.

[threebyfate]

Glad to hear the two of you have aired your differences in perspectives in order to figure out a reasonable compromise.

[threebyfate]

Dammit Kamille, I can't just leave it this way. Are YOUR needs being met? I'm not seeing any compromise on his side.

[johan]

Where he struggled was that he didn't see when in the future things would improve. I suggested the "home" in his city idea and he lighted up.

 

So we're in a better spot...

 

This quote sounds to me as if he was still expressing doubts, and you weren't willing to leave it at that. Instead of leaving the doubt fire smoldering, you threw your last option on the table, and ended up doing the bulk of the giving. He took your offer and felt happy again.

 

Maybe you are feeling happy again, too. But I wonder if you'd prefer resentment smoldering on your side over doubt smoldering on his.

[Kamille]

Dammit Kamille, I can't just leave it this way. Are YOUR needs being met? I'm not seeing any compromise on his side.

 

Ha! I guess the core of it all is that... I've always felt like my needs were being met, but he feels like his aren't.

 

He'll be the one traveling the 1 extra time. I can't do it. I have too much work coming up. I would like to be able to spend my summers with him, and be in a space that feels like home; so that, to me, equals to a need being met. We already started talking about what I "need" in the apartment, and he agrees he can compromise on location.

 

I've also asked him to work on an issue that I feel is baggage from a past relationship.

 

So yes, I feel like we compromised.

[marlena]

I got to express how I felt, he got to express how he felt and we agree the truth is probably somewhere in between our two views. We've each made a suggestion on what we would like the other to do, to be revisited in the future.

 

Wonderful communication! And I do agree, the truth usually is somewhere in the middle.

 

We're still undecided on the long term, as to who would move where. For me, it would definitely depend on the career opportunities.

 

As it should really. Personally, I would never advise a woman to sacrifice her hard-earned career for love. Enjoy what you have now and let the future take care of itself. Circumstances just might change for the better by then.Chin up!!!

[D-Lish]

Good news Kam, it's great your guy is a good communicator!

[Kamille]

This quote sounds to me as if he was still expressing doubts, and you weren't willing to leave it at that. Instead of leaving the doubt fire smoldering, you threw your last option on the table, and ended up doing the bulk of the giving. He took your offer and felt happy again.

 

Maybe you are feeling happy again, too. But I wonder if you'd prefer resentment smoldering on your side over doubt smoldering on his.

 

I've actually suggested the idea for some time now, and up until yesterday, he was resistant to it. He feels it's a long ways away anyway and doesn't want me to sacrifice comfort. Personally, I don't think the solution would build resentment on my side. I do like his city a lot and have spent many summers there. Let's face it, his city rocks.

 

I don't think his doubts are fully dispelled either. I feel better, but the distance is still there as an issue. I'm now just more hopeful that we'll get through this. I think he is too.

[Els]

Great to hear that, K! It's amazing to be able to work out such tangled messes with your partner, isn't it? Seems like you both just got through another milestone.

 

[quote=Kamille;3571064

 

When it comes to the distance, for the short term, we're going to try to see each other 3x a month and always make time for each other when we do. The last few times we saw each other, there was always something else going on, be it family visiting, work related, weddings, etc. So, basically, the last few times we saw each other, we were always occupied at other things. I hadn't really noticed, but he did.

 

This does strike me as a little peculiar, though. You see each other twice a month, and the last few (2? 3?) times you barely had any alone time with each other. So you didn't really have any quality time for a month++, and you didn't notice? Has it always been this way, with other guys?

[threebyfate]

Ha! I guess the core of it all is that... I've always felt like my needs were being met, but he feels like his aren't.

But the two of you discussed and agreed prior to entering into an LDR.

 

He'll be the one traveling the 1 extra time. I can't do it. I have too much work coming up. I would like to be able to spend my summers with him, and be in a space that feels like home; so that, to me, equals to a need being met. We already started talking about what I "need" in the apartment, and he agrees he can compromise on location.

 

I've also asked him to work on an issue that I feel is baggage from a past relationship.

 

So yes, I feel like we compromised.

Okay, that's a bit better with the extra travel time on his side.

 

As far as spending summers, this is for both your sakes instead of solely you're own. So his willingness to compromise on location for a joint "home" isn't really much compromise on his part.

 

Anyways, I worry about you in that you're more likely to be the person to give, to make relationships work. Just don't forget to take too or he'll take too much from you since you appear to be the less demanding of the two of you.

[Kamille]

 

 

 

This does strike me as a little peculiar, though. You see each other twice a month, and the last few (2? 3?) times you barely had any alone time with each other. So you didn't really have any quality time for a month++, and you didn't notice? Has it always been this way, with other guys?

 

Truth? Yes. It's been a recurrent issue in my relationships, and one that has made bf and exes feel like they were more invested in the R than I am. It's not like there weren't any loving moments in those last 3 times, but the time together wasn't about just the two of us. He was also responsible for some of the other stuff that kept us occupied. So I guess, to me, it was just the situation we were in.

 

I'm glad we have these few days to catch up.

[Kamille]

But the two of you discussed and agreed prior to entering into an LDR.

 

Yes, we did. It turns out it wasn't enough for him. I can understand. There's often a disconnect between thinking something theoretically and then experiencing it. Plus, as I mentioned, the last few times we did see each other weren't as "us" focused as previous time had been. I think part of his doubts are situational in that aspect, and easily remediable.

 

 

 

 

Anyways, I worry about you in that you're more likely to be the person to give, to make relationships work. Just don't forget to take too or he'll take too much from you since you appear to be the less demanding of the two of you.

 

It's interesting linking this comment to Elswyth's. It's true, I tend to be the content partner. And oddly, that can cause my partner anxiety, where he'll question my commitment. All I can say is that once I say I love someone, than that is that. It likely also means that I doubt less, worry less, and, also, can be more prone to take the relationship for granted (because I falsely assume my partner approaches it the same way I do).

 

But the reason I'm crazy about current bf is that he's always concerned about me and my needs. He puts me first in many ways that perhaps aren't apparent on this thread. He knows I'm solution oriented and also have a propensity to stretch myself thin. He reminds me not to that. Like I said, I think, considering our work schedule (he needs to be in his town year-round, I don't), that the "home" idea will work for both of us. He's resisted it because he worries that I would sacrifice on comfort. We've agreed the requirement for the "home" be that first, I find a great smaller place here.