LDR fatigue

[melodymatters]

Oh Lovey ! Sounds painful.....It seems like you both are exactly where you were meant to be professionally. Thats rare and rather special. I don't know/can"t feel the emotions the two of you share which is the other part of the equation.

 

I do SO wish you the best, and I'll come visit you in Peta-wherever !:love:

[Kamille]

Thanks Melody. You're right: I guess we're paying the price of being highly employable .

 

The fact we're both where we want to be professionally also means that neither one of us feels right in asking the other to move for them. I hope we can figure out a mid-term plan that would meet our relationship needs and our professional well-being.

 

And truth be told, I don't feel ready to start job hunting right now. That could be one of the deeper issues here. I've really settled down in my new city and he knows it. But for me, it's the first time I was able to settle down and unpack all my boxes in over 8 years. It feels really good to finally have a place that feels like home.

 

We just need to figure out a way to make his place feel like my home. Right now it doesn't. He lives in a really small bachelor, where there's no room for my stuff. He's not a homebody - at all at all and I think he struggles to understand how the space affects me. If he had a bigger place, I could even spend the summers there.

[marlena]

Oh, no, Kamille. I would be heartbroken if you broke up with your SO over this! Really, I would. But then again I would not advocate leaving your job for love not by any means as we all know how fragile love can be. Not to mention the difficult times we are all going through. Relinquishing your position would make you unhappy and resentful in the long term. The same applies to your bf. Couldn't one of you find an equally rewarding job somewhere closer to one another? Damn this is a quandary but not an impossible one. 500 kilometres is doable I think, for now anyway. Hopefully, the two of you will find a solution. You MUST.

 

Try not to worry too much. Things have a way of working themselves out. :love:

[Els]

Hey K, sorry you're feeling down *hugs*. I'm not going to go down the 'explore your options' route - many people already have, and I have a little feeling that someone as thorough as you would have thought those through carefully.

 

Distance takes its toll on people - anyone who says otherwise has never been in an LDR, or is lying. Some can handle it better than others. Turns out you're handling it better than him. It sucks to be on both ends. What TBF says about ' These guys are seeing each other 2 - 4 days every couple of weeks. This is like date night+, twice a week since they're spending almost entire days together', I personally find to be untrue, from my experience in two LDRs, one with the distance lasting 2 years with my current bf, and another lasting a year with an ex.

 

With the current bf, during our last year of distance, we spent about 2.5 months in total of visits, living together, spending nearly every non-working or sleeping moment together during those times. One would argue that that is equivalent to 2-3 date nights a week. But well, it isn't the same. The time apart matters more than the cumulative time together. The heartache of missing someone, of not having someone to spend birthdays and special events with, of not being able to hold them or have sex with them or smell them... and most importantly, the emotional rigor needed to get used to not having that person around during the time apart... it takes a toll on a person, and creates a distance in between.

 

So, I don't think your SO is necessarily 'at fault' for thinking about that. If anything, it seems like he is bringing up his concerns with you early instead of saving it for a wham-bam breakup, which is always a good thing. I would take it positively, if I were you. Try to get the talk up ASAP. Try to talk about which aspects of distance are affecting him the most, and if it's something that can be reached through reasonable compromise, try it and see if things get better for him. Of course, this is all assuming you find the relationship worth it, but I assume you do since you stuck it out for so long.

 

How do you envision the two of you being together in the future? A long term plan is crucial to sticking LDRs out, because the 'light at the end of the tunnel' is a huge motivator. I could not have done mine without it.

 

Stay strong, and all the best.

[threebyfate]

Good luck Kamille! Hope the two of you can work something out since you love him so much.

 

Bear in mind that if this gets resolved now, that he can still change his mind in the future, much like how the LDR situation was originally resolved that three years was an acceptable length of time to be apart. I would really stress with him when you're talking to him tomorrow, that when issues recur even post resolution with no new information coming in, that these are the types of resentment building, relationship killing issues.

[Star Gazer]

So, I don't think your SO is necessarily 'at fault' for thinking about that. If anything, it seems like he is bringing up his concerns with you early instead of saving it for a wham-bam breakup, which is always a good thing. I would take it positively, if I were you.

 

I agree with this, and disagree with the comments that she should be overly worries about her BF bringing this up. It sounds to me like he's voicing his concerns because he wants to find a solution that works for their relationship (so that they can continue on, strong!) - and that is a great quality, IMO.

[Kamille]

I wasn't aware anyone told me to be worried he brought this up. In fact, I want to thank everyone here for being so supportive of our relationship.

 

I am worried. Of course. How could I not be? I am experiencing negative emotions about this. I'll be perfectly candid, in the last two days, I have felt angry and powerless. I have moments when I feel like there is no way I can fulfill his needs for companionship, sex, daily support. I also have moments when I am feeling hopeful that we'll find a solution. Basically I'm also glad he brought it up when he did, but it is stirring up a lot of emotions.

[LittleTiger]

I'm sorry you're going through this Kamille. I can't pretend to understand exactly how you feel because we're all individuals and all our relationships are different.

 

All I can say is that you have to weigh up the pros and cons on both sides, with very open discussion. Be honest about your own needs and what you can tolerate, as well as opening yourself up to understanding his needs.

 

What it boils down to is 'what are your current priorities in life?' It's a tough question to answer.

 

If your bf says he can't/won't move but doesn't want to continue with the LDR, would you be prepared to give up your dream job for him? If not, can you move closer so that you can keep your job but see each other more often?

 

In any LDR somebody eventually has to be prepared to make a sacrifice. Do you want this man enough for that person to be you?

[Kamille]

It's insane how much all this has impacted my energy level. I've been dragging myself around the house all weekend.

 

Elswyth, thank you for highlighting how he might feel and thanks LT and everyone else for keeping me focused on the productive ways to go about talking about it.

 

Truth be told, I'm not ready to give up my career. This would be my second relationship to bite the dust because I would choose career over romance.

[LittleTiger]

Truth be told, I'm not ready to give up my career. This would be my second relationship to bite the dust because I would choose career over romance.

 

That's it then really isn't it? If your career is more important to you than this 'romance' then it's more important to you than this 'man' - at this point in time.

 

If he also chooses not to move out of his own current life then his current life is more important to him than 'you' - at this point in time.

 

It doesn't mean you don't love one another, just that you currently have other priorities.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this - I know how tough it is - and I do hope you're able to reach a compromise of some sort that works for both of you.

[threebyfate]

Hey Kamille, today's the day. If you don't mind divulging, how soon will you get a chance to see him?

[Kamille]

Hey Kamille, today's the day. If you don't mind divulging, how soon will you get a chance to see him?

 

We're seeing each other tonight. I feel I should go out and do something to entertain myself in the meantime, but my energy level really truly is at zero. Actually, it's at -5. The worst part of it all is that I don't have someone in this town that I feel I could call for support - you know, someone who could drop by and motivate me to snap out of it.

 

It doesn't help that I was already pretty tired (from travel and work) when he raised the issue.

[Star Gazer]

I have moments when I feel like there is no way I can fulfill his needs for companionship, sex, daily support.

 

Does he, or really, does this relationship, fulfill your needs for companionship, sex, daily support?

[Kamille]

Does he, or really, does this relationship, fulfill your needs for companionship, sex, daily support?

 

I can honestly say that it does.

 

When it comes to companionship, I'm way more introverted than he is and am someone who's pretty content alone. I understand he might want more. He's always out.There are times when I miss having him around, but usually I feel better after I talk to him.

 

I am bit less sexual than he is, and I know this is one of the issues here. Basically, in his mind it translates to: "He's more sexually attracted to me than I am to him". I'm always shocked when he brings this up because I don't see it. He once brought this up on a day when we had had sex three times, one time initiated by me. When I explain that I don't see what on data points he's basing this claim, he inevitably answers: "It's just that I miss you so much when we're apart that it's all I want to do when we're together." Meanwhile, I'm still generally satisfied with having sex once a day when we're together. (My sex-drive doesn't increase because of the time apart).

 

When it comes to emotional support, I think I am better at asking for it than he is, which makes it easier for me to get it via phone, email or skype. He'll struggle a lot more to express his needs - and the technology can get in the way, if only because we can't always see facial expressions, etc.

 

So yes, this relationship meets my needs but likely doesn't work for him.

[threebyfate]

We're seeing each other tonight. I feel I should go out and do something to entertain myself in the meantime, but my energy level really truly is at zero. Actually, it's at -5. The worst part of it all is that I don't have someone in this town that I feel I could call for support - you know, someone who could drop by and motivate me to snap out of it.

 

It doesn't help that I was already pretty tired (from travel and work) when he raised the issue.

If you feel a bit burned out, stay and talk on LS. It's tough when someone drops a bomb on you, then leaves you to stew over it for a length of time prior to being able to discuss it.

[FitChick]

This is similar to what happened in my LDR. The BF was very needy and always said, "I'm no good on my own." I'm quite independent. We saw each other every six weeks. The only way for us to continue would have been to marry (he lived in another country) which I was willing to do, but as he was newly divorced that wasn't an option for him. He played golf every weekend and wound up dating and then marrying (three years later) a woman he met there. I think your BF would be vulnerable to a "designing woman."

[threebyfate]

It should be close to time, Kamille. Sending positive vibes and well wishes your way. Hope everything gets discussed and the two of you manage to resolve this crisis.

[Kamille]

It should be close to time, Kamille. Sending positive vibes and well wishes your way. Hope everything gets discussed and the two of you manage to resolve this crisis.

 

Thanks. A couple more hours to go. Trying to stay calm and not let fear and resentment take over my thoughts. It's proving somewhat tough.

 

It will all work out for the best, even if the best means it hurts now but is better in the long term. It will all work out for the best, whatever that best may be.

[D-Lish]

Thanks. A couple more hours to go. Trying to stay calm and not let fear and resentment take over my thoughts. It's proving somewhat tough.

 

It will all work out for the best, even if the best means it hurts now but is better in the long term. It will all work out for the best, whatever that best may be.

 

Also sending you positive vibes Kam, how long is he visiting for?

[Kamille]

Also sending you positive vibes Kam, how long is he visiting for?

 

He'll be here for a couple of days. God I wish I didn't feel this tired. Crying is really hard on the body. And I didn't even cry that much. I just tear up out of the blue, for no apparent reason. It probably doesn't help that it's friggin hot here today.

 

I feel yucky. I wish I didn't feel yucky before seeing him.

[D-Lish]

He'll be here for a couple of days. God I wish I didn't feel this tired. Crying is really hard on the body. And I didn't even cry that much. I just tear up out of the blue, for no apparent reason. It probably doesn't help that it's friggin hot here today.

 

I feel yucky. I wish I didn't feel yucky before seeing him.

 

Don't you think you guys will be able to sort through this?

I too see it as a positive that he's bringing it up, like he's searching for a solution.

[threebyfate]

Why not text him that you're going to have a nap and set your alarm? This way, when he arrives and if you've overslept, he can call you on your phone to wake you up.

[Kamille]

Don't you think you guys will be able to sort through this?

I too see it as a positive that he's bringing it up, like he's searching for a solution.

 

I agree that it's good he's bringing it up - as it gives us a chance to brainstorm for solutions. But today I kind of feel "vanquished". I feel like any solution I could think up is a band aid solution, and that (little voice:) this could be the beginning of the end. That this issue is likely to become cyclical, until it breaks us for good. (HELP! Is there any way out of that train of thought?)

 

I try to fight that thought but it keeps coming up.

 

Why not text him that you're going to have a nap and set your alarm? This way, when he arrives and if you've overslept, he can call you on your phone to wake you up.

 

He has a key, so I can easily just go take a nap. Actually, I think yoga would be more helpful. I'll get cracking on that.

[Art_Critic]

I too see it as a positive that he's bringing it up, like he's searching for a solution.

 

Yeah.. throw me in the pool for thinking it is a positive.. and I also hope they can work it out.. seems workable to me...of course what do I know

[threebyfate]

We're talking about 500 kms here. I've known and know people who commute 3 - 4 hours daily just to go to/from work. I personally used to commute 1.5 to 2 hours or more to/from work daily.

 

There really isn't a strong argument about distance in this conflict. So yes, it should be workable and I'm uncertain why it's even become an issue right now beyond him feeling stressed about being low man on the totem pole in his job. But if something were to happen with his job, wouldn't it make sense for Kamille to retain her stable job, just in case? Why would she quit her stable job to move closer to his potentially unstable job situation?

 

There's just no logic to this.