Torn Between Two Men

[Cosmo14]

I got engaged to my Fiance, who will be called #1, in February of this year. We met in college and dated 2 and 1/2 years before our engagement.

 

In early March, I reconnected with guy #2, via internet and found out we lived ten minutes away from eachother. We hadn't seen eachother since we were in highschool (I was 14 years old then and 22 now) and has taken eachothers virginities. This guy was my "first" love due to my physical attraction to him and my clingy nature towards him as he took a part of me I could never get back, my virginity. It turns out our highschool sweetheart romance ended badly as I ended up heartbroken with my virginity taken 3 weeks into dating. I stopped talking to guy #2 primarily because I thought he was just using me until the next best thing that would put out came around and because I moved away and transferred highschools my junior year.

My curiosity on FB led me to befriending guy #2 and we started talking again laughing of the past until we exchanged numbers and planned to meet for drinks at his house THAT SAME NIGHT.

I thought I could get away with having a drink with guy #2 and showing him what he missed out on all these years as I "grew up" and I knew I looked good. I went there with my intention of paybacks a bitch, I'll flirt and make him want me and be done with him. Turns out I was the fool because when I first seen him again as he greeted me by the door I instantly got butterflies and felt 14 all over again.

As some of you could guess, we ended up hooking up, primarily because the whole night anyone could see there was an instant physical attraction between us and we had chemistry. And that's the start to my torrid love affair...

 

Months later I am still seeing guy #2 who has said that he loves me, wants to marry me, and have children with him. He says he was a fool for playing me in highschool and that he was just a typical testosterone drive. 14 year old boy back then.

I have stayed at his house a countless number of times and we have sex quite frequently. I have a crazy physical and sexual attraction for guy #2 that I am losing with my Fiance, guy #1, currently.

Both men are the exact opposites of eachother and I truley do love both men.

 

I feel as though guy #1 takes care of me financially, he is what my family wants, he's said to be better looking than #2, he went to college, comes from a good family, doesn't do drugs or drink.

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

 

There's also the problem that I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict and I have an addictive personality. Both men know of my condition as they both were supporting me when I was at a 30 day inpatient rehabilitation. I have managed to live a double life by managing my time around the both of them so they don't find out about one another. I go to extremes to come up with excuses and lies and I am just sick to my stomach with guilt.

I know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stand to think of either one of them with another woman.

 

I know guy #1 is the right choice in "reality" but guy #2 is MY ideal guy. This is a battle of my heart and my head.

 

Any advice? I know I need to break it off with one or the other but the question that kills me is: do I want to risk losing my family and their respect over guy #2 or put on my happy face and marry #1 because in reality he's what society labels as a suitable husband. I love both and know I need to let one go before I hurt someone.

[Layzie89]

To be honest, you're screwed either way...doesn't matter who you choose at this point. You destroyed your relationship with #1 through deceit and unfaithfulness...even if you were to choose him it WOULD NEVER be the same. What you should do? Break up with #1 and continue your relationship with #2. #1 is way too good for you, you do not deserve him at all. Continue on with your cheating self, date the bad boy so he can contribute to your addictive personality and eventually regret your decision later on down the line.

 

Don't mean to sound so harsh, but cheaters deserve no sympathy in my opinion. You know damn well you were thinking about hooking up with #2 going to his house that night for drinks, if not, why even go? Don't try and fool yourself.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Layzie89

[Cosmo14]

Layzie89 I agree with you cheaters deserve no sympathy. But it's reality people cheat and there are different motives or excuses for everyone. I believe mine is I'm trying to get all the bull**** infedelity out now before I get married...

I'll be the first one to admit I am a selfish mother****** and that's been a character defect I've had since I was young and will always have.

[rafallus]

I know guy #1 is the right choice in "reality" but guy #2 is MY ideal guy.

 

Then it's dead easy.

 

Pick guy #2 and keep having some crazy sex with him. Leave guy #1 altogether. You don't want to get commited to him.

 

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me.

 

There's also the problem that I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict and I have an addictive personality.

 

Indeed, you two are very good match.

[Woggle]

Layzie89 I agree with you cheaters deserve no sympathy. But it's reality people cheat and there are different motives or excuses for everyone. I believe mine is I'm trying to get all the bull**** infedelity out now before I get married...

I'll be the first one to admit I am a selfish mother****** and that's been a character defect I've had since I was young and will always have.

 

Infidelity is not something you get out before you get married. It is something that stays there until a person does some serious work on themselves.

[TheGrimSweeper]

The fact that your doing this behind guy #1's back shows you really don't give a crap about him at all. Break up, or confess what you've done so he can break up with you and move on to find someone who deserves him better.

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your fiance was doing to you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's what you are doing to him? Your actions define your character. Please contact your fiance and tell him the truth so he can fine someone else who can truly love and respect him because you clearly cannot. Clearly your engagement has no meaning to you whatsoever. This is not just all about you. Good luck.

[Imajerk17]

I really feel that we need to go back to the old days, where women like you were taken out back and stoned.

[Imajerk17]

I hope Cosmo gets herself tested. She's probably passing on diseases!

 

Cosmo, you need to break it off with your fiance. You already broke your vows. Tell him that you "are just not ready to settle down" or something.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Eeyore79]

Guy #2 has family problems, is a truck driver currently, dropped out of highschool to get his GED, smokes pot and drinks heavily, likes to fight etc, he's your typical bad guy but is so sweet to me. He said I would never have to work as he would rather me be a housewife so he can provide. (guy #1 thinks I'll be working for the rest of my life)

Guy #2 sounds extremely undesirable and unsuitable as a partner. He dropped out of high school, has a dead end job, fights, drinks and smokes pot. He may say that you can be a housewife and he'll provide, but the fact is that in his situation he probably isn't capable of providing for a wife and a family even if he wants to. You should run away from Guy #2 as fast as you can, even if means being alone.

 

I feel as though guy #1 takes care of me financially, he is what my family wants, he's said to be better looking than #2, he went to college, comes from a good family, doesn't do drugs or drink.

Guy #1 sounds like a much better catch than Guy #2, but it's pointless if you don't love him or feel attracted to him. Plus he sounds like a decent guy who deserves better than to be with a woman who cheats on him. Since you clearly don't love him, you should let him go so he can find someone who does.

 

I don't think either of these men is suitable for you. Guy #1 is unsuitable because you don't love him, and Guy #2 is unsuitable because he's a total loser. The best approach is to dump both of them, and look for a decent guy who you also love.

 

You might find it useful to have a look at these articles about why getting back with your childhood sweetheart is a big mistake:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-1/

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-trap-of-the-returning-childhood-sweetheart-part-2/

[Cosmo14]

Thank you Eeyore for your CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, unlike the ******* who thinks stoning women is alright. (and I'm free of stds thanks) There's much much more to this situation that I don't wanna get into details which have me trying to justify why I'm doing this to #1. I've known who's right and who's wrong the hard part is letting go. Who says I still can't be with #1 after I am honest with him? I'm not holding my breath on it but it is what it is.

[Memphis Raines]

Thank you Eeyore for your CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, unlike the ******* who thinks stoning women is alright. (and I'm free of stds thanks) There's much much more to this situation that I don't wanna get into details which have me trying to justify why I'm doing this to #1.

 

good, because there is no justification why you would cheat on anyone.

 

 

I've known who's right and who's wrong the hard part is letting go. Who says I still can't be with #1 after I am honest with him?

 

because you said you would have to put on a "happy face" if you were to choose him.

 

but what do you mean by being honest with him? you going to tell him that you are cheating on him and that if you married him you'd have to pretend to be happy?

[Imajerk17]

Thank you Eeyore for your CONSTRUCTIVE feedback, unlike the ******* who thinks stoning women is alright. (and I'm free of stds thanks) There's much much more to this situation that I don't wanna get into details which have me trying to justify why I'm doing this to #1. I've known who's right and who's wrong the hard part is letting go. Who says I still can't be with #1 after I am honest with him? I'm not holding my breath on it but it is what it is.

 

I stand by what I wrote. I don't think you realize the pain you're causing. What is even sadder is how you are justifying your behavior.

 

If you ever get pregnant, if the guy you're in a relationship with is smart, he'll get a paternity test. You've already proven you can't be trusted, and when it comes to being stuck supporting another male's children, the stakes are just too high.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Imajerk17

[rafallus]

Who says I still can't be with #1 after I am honest with him? I'm not holding my breath on it but it is what it is.

And the reason to be with #1 is what exactly?

 

Social pressure to get married with a good guy, not to be known for chasing *******s, so that you won't look bad in front of your family?

[Woggle]

I am not going to advocate any violence but this is why some men because misogynists who don't think twice about using women. This is why I always tell men that woman's past matters and never try and be a knight in shining armor. What more proof do you need.

 

If you have any guts you will break up with your fiance and tell him exactly why then go on your merry way with #2. Have a ball with him and have a shambolic mess of passion and excitement that has buttterflies flying all around in your stomach. Sure he is no good but at this point you and him are pretty much on each other's level.

[Cosmo14]

Ok ****er first of all I'm on birth control, I use condoms and I get tested every 3 months. I stated what I was doing is not justifiable so thanks again for stating the obvious. I don't need rude comments about stoning women though when in reality it's still happening in parts of the world.

[rafallus]

Also, in your other thread you wrote this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3555355&postcount=3

 

So you will secretly resent him, that you can't sleep around anymore? Or maybe you'll just get more secretive about that, so everyone around you can carry illusionary image of you as perfect housewife, while you get some fun on the sides, killing two birds with one stone in your head?

[Chi townD]

Stoning women? I feel that the only person getting stoned is the guy you're engaged to by your actions. Your words show no remorse in them whatsoever. You make it sound like...OPPS!!! I acidentally fell into bed with this other guy!

 

First off guy #2 cares nothing for you. If he did he would have respected the fact that you were engaged to be married. Therefore, if he doesn't respect your current relationship, he really doesn't care about you or what he's doing to you. If posted in your other thread, but I'll re-post here because you seem to monitor this one:

 

Unbelieveable, really?

 

Well, I would suggest that you tell guy#1 the truth. That even though you're engaged to him, you've been sleeping with guy #2, if he wants to know who he is. Be honest, " You know, he my bed buddy and my drinking buddy that has no education, smokes pot and likes to fight. You know, the ultimate bad boy persona that you're not." I said it before and I'll say it again. If he has that bad boy persona and a bad boy reputation. Logic dictates that sooner or later he will treat you BADLY.

 

But, of course, I highly doubt that you'll do that. You'll break up with him and never tell him the real reason why. Making him always wonder what he did wrong. But, I have a feeling that he already knows something is up, he may not know exactly what it is, but he knows something.

 

And so what if guy #1 would like to see you work! He wants you to be the best that you can be. To be there and celebrate in your achieving your personal goals so you can get to a point that you don't need to be with him, but rather, you WANT to be with him. Where the other wants you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Kind of controling behavior if you ask me.

 

So, My question to you is, What are you going to do?

Edited August 8, 2011 by Chi townD

[Eeyore79]

Who says I still can't be with #1 after I am honest with him? I'm not holding my breath on it but it is what it is.

 

Can I ask why you would even want to be with Guy #1 when you don't love him or feel strong attraction for him? It seems like you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of dissatisfaction by being with someone you aren't really in love with, and also setting him up for heartache because he'll have a wife who doesn't really love him and has already cheated on him. Maybe Guy #1 might still want to be with you if you confess - but it seems like a waste of time since you don't want to be with him. It seems like you want to be with Guy #1 to please others, not to please yourself, and that's never a good idea.

 

Guy #2 just sounds like a loser. Sorry, but I think a guy who smokes pot, drinks, fights, dropped out of school, isn't really good husband or father material. Maybe your vision is clouded by this romantic idea of getting back with your first love, or maybe you're still hurting from when he dumped you and you want to justify it by proving that he still loves you. Whatever it is, I doubt if you're choosing him because he's a good partner who will provide a stable future. You need to try to take off your rose tinted glasses and really assess whether Guy #2 is a good catch, because I don't think he is.

[Woggle]

Guy#2 might not be a good catch but he is a good match for her at this point.

[Imajerk17]

I don't truly advocate violence towards anyone, but Cosmo's tale infuriates me to the point where I find myself THINKING that I actually might.

 

There is a stat that something like 10% of children born to women, have fathers who is NOT the mother's primary partner. The man who is the woman's husband (or in some cases, the man known by her friends and family as her "steady" boyfriend) is raising a child where, unbeknownst to him, the biological father is not him. Cosmo strikes me as someone likely to be one of "those" women.

[Cosmo14]

I understand imajerks point. It's ruthless to make someone care for an illegitimate child. But that's not my concern. The concern is HOW do I separate myself from both men? I'm in agreement with everyone that I am obviously not ready for permanent commitment but how do I deal with LETTING GO? I'm very lost and of course my selfishness is trying to protect myself from the hurt of loss...

[Layzie89]

There's much much more to this situation that I don't wanna get into details which have me trying to justify why I'm doing this to #1.

This made me laugh.

 

There is no justification for what you're doing, so stop looking. It's good to note however that you admit and accept your wrong doings here. You're asking for help on how to let go and not get hurt? Ha. Not gonna happen. You dug yourself your own grave now you must lie in it. Break up with #1 first and foremost, and do tell him about your cheating or else you're never going to fully move on and be at peace with yourself down the line. Better sooner than later imo. You got some personal issues you need to take care of before even considering another relationship. Work on bettering yourself, figuring things out...without the bottle of course. If this for you means going out and screwing guy after guy to 'get it out before marriage' (which is a childish and cowardly excuse for cheating imo) then do so, but at least you'll be doing so as a single woman, not one who is engaged and damaging a potentially GREAT relationship...which you have done thus far.

 

ANother thing that made me laugh...#2 saying you don't have to work, he'll provide for you and the family. biggest LOL I've had all week. This guy is a truck driver that's supporting himself, his drug habit, his drinking habit, and his night time club outings...what makes you think there will be room for you and a family in his low-life budget? On top of that he likes to fight? Court fines are hefty these days and when he can't pay them I wonder who he'll turn to.

 

You had it good Cosmo...I genuinely feel sorry for you. Best of luck.

[Imajerk17]

I understand imajerks point. It's ruthless to make someone care for an illegitimate child. But that's not my concern. The concern is HOW do I separate myself from both men? I'm in agreement with everyone that I am obviously not ready for permanent commitment but how do I deal with LETTING GO? I'm very lost and of course my selfishness is trying to protect myself from the hurt of loss...

 

Your own feelings are secondary at this point. Your "fiance" has been living in an illusion of a relationship with a woman who has been stabbing him behind his back. You need to do the right thing and let him know what is really going on. Why don't you forget about your own selfish wants and show some concern for his feelings for a change!

 

 

Anyway, your step-by-step guide:

 

(1) You mobilize your close friends, and let them know that you are going to tell your "fiance" that the girl he is engaged to has been betraying him.

 

(2) You face the music like a big girl and you tell your "fiance" what has really going on and what you have really been doing behind his back. and you prepare for his reaction. You are going to have to give back the ring.

 

(3) After your "fiance" reacts to the bombshell you dropped, you can selfishly return to caring only about your own feelings. You can call said close friends for your emotional support.

 

(4) You can then decide what to do with Guy #2. Maybe you can "celebrate" by going over to his place and giving him a shag?

Edited August 8, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Cosmo14]

Thank you imajerk for your helpful insights. I know I'm in the wrong and I can admit that. It's not fair to lead this double life of a lie. Now here's another question. If they want to confront eachother what should I do? I'm the sole perp here because guy #2 actually thinks I broke up with #1 before I got intimate with him. I spun myself a lie of webs that's so believable sometimes I believe it. Tell them both about eachother without dropping names? Neither of them have ANY clue. Like I said I'm very good at making up stories as I've used lies to cover up my alcoholism and addiction for 8 years... Horrible I know but it's all I know. I'm in need of serious soul searching.