Boyfriend's mother died, he pushed me away and now won't talk

[Miri]

NursingGirl, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. The same thing happened to someone I know. She moved across the country to be with her fiance, they were together for three years and then he had a breakdown, moved out, and abandoned her. She was an amazing girl, beautiful and talented, but during their relationship he always criticized her for multiple trivial things. She came to accept that his behavior was mostly likely because of his issues from abuse in childhood and that he just couldn't maintain a healthy relationship. She is now with someone else and much happier. Her ex tries to see her but she is glad she has moved on from that toxic relationship.

 

I don't know if any of this applies to your former fiance, and I don't know what caused his stress to become so overwhelming (especially so quickly after he proposed to you and everything was going well). Sometimes commitment issues can be worked out, but he has to be willing to do the work. The most frustrating and painful thing is when they just totally refuse to communicate about it! I don't know if my ex-bf will ever be able to talk to me about what happened. He always promised we'd talk more or that he'd see me soon, but when I gave him space, he simply drifted away further.

[NursingGirl]

NG, Im a lil suspicious of your fiance if he didnt lose a parent, I dont think it was a real breakdown, but anyway......

 

Well, this isn't my thread but, yeah, had/having trouble with it myself, hence the breakup. It was too convenient...right before I was gonna move in?? But from his POV, he works 12 hour nights and was doing alot of work on the house during the day and he abuses himself like that. He looked awful and rundown and I think he really did have a breakdown. I talked to his Mom for quite some time after it happened and then told her I had to stop it because it was keeping me from moving on.

 

Low and behold, he is back....like I said earlier. I just don't know. I thought I was finally past all of this.

[NursingGirl]

 

The most frustrating and painful thing is when they just totally refuse to communicate about it! I don't know if my ex-bf will ever be able to talk to me about what happened. He always promised we'd talk more or that he'd see me soon, but when I gave him space, he simply drifted away further.

 

Yes, I know. It would be great for closure to at least know what is going on in the mind of the other half when a break up occurs but mostly, we never get the truth of it.

I don't know if your ex will ever talk to you again about it but it's possible. You know, we all have faults, weaknesses, quirks and stuff that happens to us but the biggest factor in whether couples make it or not is communication (the other biggie is commitment). They kinda go hand in hand- like which came first, the chicken or the egg kinda thing. But you have no control over whether your ex comes back or not. It is out of your hands. I think we are all pretty accurate about WHY it happened and I seriously doubt it was anything you said or did or that he had any forethought whatsoever. It was just "bam" his Mother died and he was a different person almost instantly (or 10 days later after processing it alittle). He went into self protection mode. You must move on.

 

I sure hope my life doesn't repeat your friend's scenario!

[Miri]

NursingGirl, it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - she is seriously so much better off now than she was with her fiance. So much happier and in love with a guy who thinks the world of her and isn't going to run away when things go wrong. I don't know your whole story right now so I don't want to pass judgment though. I wish the best for you, whatever may happen.

[Miri]

I wanted to address what some posters have said, that my ex-bf probably wasn't really in love with me and may have been thinking about breaking up before his mother's death. I am sure this wasn't the case and he isn't using this death as an excuse. His behavior before all of this was absolutely devoted, happy, in love. He wanted to share more of our lives together and he was excited about our plans. There were no signs that anything was becoming complacent or could go wrong.

 

Right after his mother died, he did turn to me for support. I was the first person he called, the one he turned to and the first one who saw him. He did not call any other friends at first. I held him and listened and talked to him all night and he let me see his vulnerability. He talked to me about everything he was feeling and what he was going through, for that first week. He said he wanted to spend time together after he came home and put this behind him, saying that life must go on.

 

I just don't know what happened after the first week to make him suddenly grow so distant and then just shut down. He just said that he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone while he was grieving. And later he said he probably should never be in a relationship ever again. (This even though he had said it was our relationship which had lifted him out of depression and gave him things to look forward to, made everything worthwhile for him.)

 

I understand intellectually what people are saying, that this is a psychological reaction to trauma, that he is probably empty and lost and unable to give me anything emotionally. It's not that I don't "get it." I am learning that this is not an uncommon reaction of someone reacting to a major loss, especially if he is prone to depression. I guess I know on one level this is probably what happened, but it's just so hard to process and really accept it, because it's so incredibly painful and confusing, that is why I am having such a hard time letting go and moving on. I don't know how you can be so close to someone and then just be completely cut off instead of them wanting your support. That such a large part of your life can be rendered meaningless so quickly. It is just like experiencing another death. I just started seeing a therapist but not sure she will be able to do any better for me than trying to find support here.

Edited August 13, 2011 by Miri

[NursingGirl]

NursingGirl, it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing - she is seriously so much better off now than she was with her fiance. So much happier and in love with a guy who thinks the world of her and isn't going to run away when things go wrong. I don't know your whole story right now so I don't want to pass judgment though. I wish the best for you, whatever may happen.

 

To be honest, I think the whole freakin dating world is nuts, me included. It just seems to get nuttier and nuttier. You know, I don't care hearing WHY someone is breaking up with me, I honestly just want to hear the truth. I won't stalk or freak out or stab or cry or velcro myself to the guy, I just want some adult communication. When I act like a nut, at least I explain why. I know a breakup is never easy but I don't want someone to go back out in the dating world more bitter, angry and cynical because of his experience with ME. I'm not perfect but at least I try to talk through it. It's not fun, for sure but wow, it sure seems like we owe that. Ex fiance says he regrets not at least being able to say, "Please don't leave". I would have stayed and been anything he needed me to be through the breakdown but he had to say SOMETHING!

[stillafool]

Miri did he have to go out of town to the funeral? If so, during his grief there did he maybe sleep with someone else from his past and feels guilty in some way? Why is he now okay with his friends and acting normal with them but not you? Have you asked him what is wrong? (I'm sorry if you already answered these questions and I didn't read properly.)

[stillafool]

Why are you trying to ruffle feathers by concocting theories of him sleeping with someone else? The man is going through a sad stage of losing his mother.

 

Obviously she knows what's wrong.

 

I'm not trying to concoct theories. OP said that he is okay with his friends and she seems to be the only person he doesn't want to be bothered with, so maybe what I asked her is a distinct possiblity. I too agreed at first that he is just going through a period of grief; but he seems to open up to everyone but her. There has to be another reason why he is doing this other than the loss of his parent.

[Miri]

stillafool: I am quite sure there is no one else in the picture. That is not his character at all and there isn't anyone from his past there. I seriously doubt that under the circumstances he is even thinking about seeing anyone at all anytime soon. What he said to me was basically that it didn't matter who he was with at the time his mother died - he simply couldn't be in a relationship with _anyone_ while he was grieving, and couldn't know how long the process could take. The only thing that could have made it different is perhaps if we had been together for longer - like years - then maybe he could have tolerated being around somebody during this process. Otherwise, he felt like he needed to be alone.

 

What I have trouble understanding is why this changed, because at first he was fine with seeking me for support, talking to me, wanted to just put this behind him and come home. Even when he said at first that he needed time alone to grieve, he still said he wanted to spend time with me after that. And he went from wanting a break to just not even being able to talk to me in the slightest way.

 

When I asked why he was okay with seeing friends and not me, he said it was because his friends just say nice things and then go home. Basically they are drinking buddies and don't require emotional involvement. His friends say he doesn't ever talk about any of the heavy stuff and they are just trying to be a happy place for him now. I guess with a girlfriend he would need to be more emotionally honest and he doesn't want to.

 

I feel like this is something he is going through, that perhaps he is just an emotional shell as Graceful has said, but surely he will eventually heal and this can't last forever? We had a serious relationship that was going well, we were extremely compatible and happy together. His behavior doesn't make sense to anyone - one of his friends said it was as if he had cut off his arm. I know he can't help how he feels, no matter now irrational it is. I keep thinking that eventually he'll have to feel better and will start to remember himself again and the life we had together, how happy and good that was.

[Miri]

Ive been in your boyfriends position, although I continued the relationship. And I hate to say I deeply regret carrying on the relationship, because when that ended I was broken completely and dealing with two significant losses.

 

With me I used a relationship, drugs, alcohol, and overwork to distract myself rather than facing the loss directly. It was a bad mistake.

 

robaday, how did your relationship change after the loss? Did you ever feel emotionally detached and push your girlfriend away?

 

And when you were emotionally healthy again, did you ever contact your ex and try to reconcile?

[WindWhisperer]

I think my situation applies here even though its completely different.

My ex boyfriends mom died last year august. He has never been good with emotions and so I don't think he dealt with it at all..

Then the 1st anniversary of his mothers dead came at the beginning of august... And I think it brought up a lot of unsolved issues within himself...

And now we are broken up because he needs to "find himself".

[funnyface]

Omg, I have read this thread from beginning to end!

 

Miri, I am so so sorry. When I read your posts, it was like you were reading my mind. A (somewhat) similar situation happened with me and my boyfriend. He was head over heels with me, no signs at ALL that he wanted to end things (I have been in a relationship before where he was stringing me along... so I knew the warning signs). He had moved to NY for work, and I knew he wasn't very happy here, and didn't like his job, was having some money issues, but never like "I hate my life" unhappy. Then we went on vacation with some of his old friends from CA... and its like he completely shut down. Wouldn't even hold my hand (and we were in PARIS). I was going nuts, completely stressed out, confused, upset, psychotic. After about a week, he told me that he was depressed, and was reminded of how much he missed being home, how he hates his life, his job, he couldn't eat, how he had no idea what was going on with him, but I wasn't the problem, and he didn't want to break up with me even if he moved back... but it was just like everything hit him all at once, and he broke down. Well, things only got progressively worse. He basically continued to treat me more and more like a total stranger, until he didn't speak to me at all for 2 weeks. I ended it, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, because all I wanted to do was stay by him during this tough time, but he just pushed me away, and I knew there was nothing I could do.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling.... battling with what everyone is saying about how he is acting like jerk for pushing you away, but at the same time, you know that his love couldn't die just like that, so you don't feel like you should move on yet. Then you go back to thinking if it was all just a lie, and he just doesn't love you anymore... then back to thinking about how that can't be true... It is by far the worst break up I had ever had to go through. And that he is FINE around his friends... its just you that he has cut out of his life! Yep, going through that as well! Its maddening!

 

All I can say is, try to live your life, one day at a time. I am currently still battling with this, but I have realized that the only thing I can do is let him fight his own battles, and do your best to focus on yourself, and move on. Try to do your best not to analyze, because you most likely won't get an answer, not any time soon. Turn to your family and friends... even though my break up is fresh and I haven't wanted to talk to or hang around with anyone, just the fact that I have my family and friends around helps.

 

He may come back but he may not. Either way, you must move on. If the relationship was meant to be, you will find yourself with him again. I am the kind of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. If you are that type of person too, then thinking about that helps tremendously.

 

Lots of hugs.

[John Michael Kane]

This man needs to heal and if not being in a relationship with you is going to help him then you need to respect and accept that. Let the man heal his own way. Bothering him or trying to find some ulterior motive to his feelings solves nothing.

[Goatsbreath]

I'm 36, both my parents passed away last summer in the span of 2 months. Honestly, I was not in a relationship at the time, I was talking to someone but it was already failing so naturally it didn't work out.

 

I don't know what to say really. Like, I think it would have been nice to have someone close with me to deal with all this stuff. Everyone seems to be telling you that when going through this it is normal for him to just shut down, become a shell and say, goodbye,...I don't remember you....

 

What????? He's 36, he is not a child, a teenager, or a young adult even. He is almost 40, this is life and it sucks but death happens. Do you not build intimate relationships with people so that when these things happen you have a shoulder to cry on? Do you people not build relationships with people so that when bad things happen you have someone to turn to for support?

 

I wish so bad that I already had that foundation in place because honestly, yes, I feel now like I am lost. I feel like I'm in a hole and sometimes I don't feel like crawling out. I feel death and mortality all around me, sometimes I think it's just around the corner and I'm 36. I feel like what's the point, should I keep looking for a relationship....something else to lose.

 

I do know that when hes with his friends it's probably simple banter. Guys don't tend to talk about heavy stuff especially in a group. Occasionally, if you are close with someone we will talk about feelings but usually it has to be one on one conversation.

 

I don't know why he is pushing you away honestly if everything is like you said. What is the point of building a relationship if during your hardest time and when your down you chose to ignore it?

[robaday]

robaday, how did your relationship change after the loss? Did you ever feel emotionally detached and push your girlfriend away?

 

I was fine for the first three months. Excelling at work, and pretty tough. Slowly I became a little more self destructive. I began taking more cocaine, and my behavior after drinking started to worry people - i was round at a friends house one night and climbed on top of the ledge which was 7 stories up, it wasnt a suicide attempt but it was a sign i no longer cared whether i was alive. Its strange, at first the depression only came out when i was drunk, i didnt really talk about it to my friends, nor family - but the cracks showed when i was drunk.

 

I lashed out at her a lot. the poor girl, she was trying to help me, but i relied on her too much. she went above and beyond what anyone should have done in those circumstances. but on the few occasions she wasnt there id lash out at her.

 

to be honest, she was the last thing i needed at the time. im kinda different to your ex because i became totally dependent on her, and when she realized just how vulnerable i was, she understandably fled. it wasnt her job to be my dr, nor therapist.

 

i sunk deeper into depression, and when she realized that i was almost holding her responsible for my life, she couldnt take it anymore. i deeply regret not looking after myself better, we could have been friends, but i pushed her away so much with emotional abuse, it will probably never be.

 

what your ex is going through and will go through is an existential crisis, where he will begin to question life and death. that means comprehending your own mortality following a loss. these deeper questions will take him a long time, hell be reevaluating every aspect of his life, wondering what his role in the world is following this death. it will take him some time.

 

my concern for you, is that your brain plays tricks on you - he may associate you with the loss, i.e. when he thinks of you, he may think of the death and that hard part of his life. my relationship with my ex reminds me of an awful time in my life which i simply dont want to be reminded of.

[Miri]

It's been a while since anything changed in my situation so I haven't posted. I finally asked my ex for my stuff back and he surprisingly offered to meet me, even though he hasn't seemed willing to even acknowledge my emails or talk to me for months. When I tried to ask about a time and date though he didn't respond for a while. It was getting extremely frustrating that he just won't communicate like a reasonable adult. He was never like this before. I don't want to read too much into it but it seemed like he wanted to avoid it. But I don't know whether that's because he doesn't want to face me or whether he has second thoughts about me walking out the door completely.

 

So now I will probably see him tonight, in about 12 hours. I feel so anxious about how it will go, and I'm torn about what I should say to him. Some people have said not to say anything at all, while others (including Al Turtle the relationship counsellor, with whom I had a phone chat recently) said that there may be a way to get him to open up and stop running away, as this is the first time he's been willing to see me in all this time. Al says he must be scared of something and that's why he stopped talking. The big question is, of what? I wish I knew how to talk to my ex in a way that would restore some degree of healing and normalcy between us.

 

It used to be so easy to talk and we used to have such a good time together. I don't know if he even remembers any of that.

 

If I don't try now, it may be my last chance to really see and talk to him in a really long time, if ever. But on the other hand, if it goes badly, it could also close that door forever.

 

If anyone has advice for how I should handle our meeting, please chime in because I still feel so lost as to how to talk to him.

[carhill]

Be cordial and focus on getting your belongings. That's it. Any other 'talk' can come from him. If so, listen. If anything other than what you want, acknowledge his perspective and end the encounter.

[Miri]

Bump for any more last-minute advice in the next two hours...

[Buttercup84]

How did it go ?

[Miri]

His mood was pretty snappy and tense when I was there. I just tried to be pleasant, calm, and not pushy or emotional. He had put a few of my things by the door but it wasn't even half of everything I had there (he seemed to be having memory issues) so I had to go through to pick up a lot of other things that were at his apartment. He offered to help carry the stuff to the car. I paused and asked if there was anything he wanted to say. It went against most people's advice which was to say nothing but I figured at this point, I needed answers in order to understand and accept this better, and my feelings and needs should now take precedence over any worrying about "pushing" (especially as it doesn't seem like it would change anything for him even if I didn't ask to talk).

 

He just said he was sorry at first, but seemed kind of annoyed. Just sorry, and that there was nothing else he could really say. But then he went on to say that he'd been going through a hell of a lot lately and that that was his problem and not mine. Told me not to worry about him, he was fine, and that he had to do things his way. He claimed that all the standard grieving norms were bullsh*t and didn't apply to him. But also that he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone now and can't handle any emotional expectations at all. He said that he wasn't a nice or generous person (but I know that before all this, he was) and didn't want to put me through being treated with less respect than I deserve. And that he didn't want me to wait because time was running differently for him and he felt all this wasn't a phase he was going through (though it seems to me that it is - he is clearly not himself anymore). He said that we could maybe be friends after a lot of space and distance but that we could not return to being in a relationship again.

 

The reasons he cited for that didn't make a lot of sense and seemed to be mostly in his head - lack of compatibility and communication, not wanting to deal with anything emotionally overwrought, etc. These were things that I disagreed with - we were incredibly compatible and, until his mother died, communicated and understood each other easily. And the things he perceived as "emotionally overwrought" seemed to be mostly misunderstandings and not the dramas he seemed to think they were. He simply stopped trusting me and feeling safe with me though I am a perfectly benevolent and reasonable person. For example, one of the things he freaked out over was that his friends told him I was thinking about moving into his neighborhood - which is total nonsense, I never had any such plans. And even if I did, so what? He lives in a great neighborhood and I had come to know it as my own during all the time I stayed there with him.

 

A lot of what he said seemed irrational and unfair, and were probably excuses to cover for his inability to cope emotionally. It pains me that he would perceive our past so unfairly and not remember us as we truly were. He seems to have forgotten that he loved me entirely and doesn't have a shred of fondness left for me anymore. The question is whether he'll always be this way now or whether someday he'll be able to think more clearly and remember how great we were together and how we had so much planned that we were looking forward to in the future. This wasn't the trajectory we were on and wasn't what he wanted for us at the time of his mother's death. I have asked people who had known us whether it is my perspective which was off but they agree with me and said that he was incredibly happy with the relationship and in love with me. I didn't want to fight so I just listened and accepted what he said but I think someday in the future I would like to write and say all this to him.

 

I look back and I realize that I was an amazing girlfriend to him. I made him happier than anything and he was crazy about me up to the end, until he suddenly just snapped after his mother's death. It's unfathomable to me that I was so important and close to him, and then in what seemed like a single instant, he could just freak out and stop caring and talking to me, and never seem to miss me at all. It feels so wrong and I don't know if it will ever be made right. He seems to be doing fine with his friends and everything else in his life by now except for me, but last night it was clear to me he wasn't really fine. Seems like there is a lot of denial and bullsh*t still going on in his head.

Edited September 29, 2011 by Miri

[Chi townD]

Seems like there is a lot of denial and bullsh*t still going on in his head.

 

Of course, he was re-writing the relationship in his head to justify his reasons for ending it with you. Trying to convince himself that he made the right choice. You seem like a sweet, kind and loving girl. So, in my opinion, HIS LOSS!!!

 

Now, you've got the closure that you need to move forward and start to heal. If he doesn't want to come back, then HE'S the one that's missing out.

 

Continue to see your therapist, start working out at the gym, work out those frustrations, get a new hobby, get a new wardrobe. Grab a girlfriend and go on a mini-vacation! You deserve it!

[Miri]

One thought that I keep returning to is why he stopped feeling safe with me. It's what Al Turtle told me to focus on trying to figure out when trying to talk to him. I wasn't really able to understand it, except for his fear of "emotionally overwrought" situations - I guess he is trying to avoid emotions now. When I examine Al's materials on creating safety, it seems to apply - my ex got scared of having to deal with emotions and simply chose to run away. At this point I'm just trying to understand it all - does this seem like what happened here?

 

I guess I'm just thinking out loud. It hurts to know that my ex-bf chose to turn to everyone else in his life instead of me when he wanted to recover from his grief, because he no longer felt safe around me. He even turned to an old ex-gf who he ignored for months when we were together and who wrote something incredibly stupid and insensitive back to him when he contacted her after his mother died and never called him. But now they are friends and hanging out, and he won't talk to me, who was so close and important to him. I'm just forgotten and treated like a stranger. All our interactions have been tense and intense and he can't relax and be his old self around me anymore. I wonder if there is anything I could have done to change that and make him feel safe.

[Miri]

Of course, he was re-writing the relationship in his head to justify his reasons for ending it with you. Trying to convince himself that he made the right choice. You seem like a sweet, kind and loving girl. So, in my opinion, HIS LOSS!!!

 

Now, you've got the closure that you need to move forward and start to heal. If he doesn't want to come back, then HE'S the one that's missing out.

 

Continue to see your therapist, start working out at the gym, work out those frustrations, get a new hobby, get a new wardrobe. Grab a girlfriend and go on a mini-vacation! You deserve it!

 

Thanks, I do feel that it was his loss, and an incredible loss that he failed to appreciate! I am quite sure (and even HIS friends agree) that he'll never meet someone as incredible and well-suited to him as I was. I was the best thing in his life and he just let me go. It's utterly baffling. I really did add so much to his life and never could have imagined this would happen.

 

I am doing everything I can to feel better. Continuing with therapy, lots of new hobbies, Zen meditation, shopping splurges, physical and social activities, trips. It's still hard because I still think every day about his absence and how he should have still been in my life doing things with me and not understanding why he doesn't want those things anymore. It makes it hard to enjoy a lot of the things we used to do or had planned to do together. But I'm doing the best I can.

[carhill]

Sometimes it takes a life altering event for people to tell you who they really are. Your job is to accept that message.

 

IMO, if there are no 'sinister' motives at work for his change, like reconnecting with that ex, it's possible (my speculation) that he had unfinished business with his mother and her sudden and unexpected death sent him into a spiral, projecting that business upon his most current intimate partner, you. Unfinished business between a child and a parent, no matter the ages, can be pretty powerful stuff. Regardless, it's all outside of your control.

 

You have your stuff (I hope). Now healing continues. Complete NC. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

You're right Miri, he is emotionally detacted himself. You always wondered why he's able to carry on with his friends and not you. Well, he isn't and wasn't as emotionally invested in them as he was with you. I seriously doubt that he was in bed spooning naked with any of them at 3 AM.

 

He made his choice, and it's probably the wrong one. But that's a mistake he has to live with because you don't have to.

 

Time to heal and move on.