Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

Wow. You STILL don't understand Marly. It isn't aboug being called a girlfriend. That isn't the problem. You do not even get what I am trying to say here at all. He doesn't treat me in any special way at all around anyone he hangs out with or who I hang out with. He does around his family moreso but his feelings are non-existant in front of anyone else. He'll put his arm around me when no one is looking but as soon as they turn he takes his ark away do quickly I swear I get whiplash. If someone accidentally addresses me as his girlfriend, he will correct them in a defensive way and tell them I am NOY his girlfriend, but his friend. The ONLY time he treats me like he genuinely cares, is when we are alone and nobody is watching. Should that not matter to a girl? Maybe some could take that, but to me it hurts my feelings tremendously. It feels like I don't mean anything to him. How would that make YOU feel? And yes when we are alone it is great. But I want a REAL relationship. Where he constantly shows me he cares and not only when the door is shut. I don't want a guy who I can only introduce to my family and friends as my friend. It hurts. All of this makes me have to hold how much I love him back because I feel like I have way stronger feelings for him than he for me.

 

Why would I HOPE he cries? Why would I even want to see that? The person I love is not the person I would ever want to see cry ESPECIALLY because of me. Why do you think I have such a hard time ending it? I don't want to see him hurt. I HATE hurting people. That is why I am the way I am; overly nice. Because I hate saying how I really feel just to avoid upsetting someone. And I know it will hurt him. But I have to get out if I am sad more than happy. I guess we will see if he cares enough to come after me. But even if he did... would that make me happy? Of course not. Because then, again, one of us will not truly be happy. Do not accuse me of blackmailing him. I never ever once told him that he better commit to me or I am leaving. I told him I can't keep doing this because we don't want the same things. And I was the one crying... not him. I was the one crying until I couldn't breathe. So don't start accusing me of stupid crap. I do not appreciate it.

 

And I NEVER gave him two weeks to commit. He was the one who told ME to give him two weeks to think (which was after I told him I was done for good since he had just slept with a co-worker of mine at the BBQ). And all of a sudden he comes after me and tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. I said I was unsure. Then he said to come over later and talk to him. Later came and we talked. That is when he said now he needs 2 weeks to think about being with me. That was in April...

 

All you are doing is assuming from left to right about how I think and who I am. I am nothing like you describe. I am nice, caring, and a sweet person. Not manipulative, needy or dramatic. You are stepping way over a line. I don't need a guy to provide direction in my life. I know where I am going...

 

You are way out of line.

[Star Gazer]

The internal inconsistency in your post above just blows my mind, Tasha.

[Hot Chick]

Oh no, I didn't know it was that bad. You didn't say before that when someone else came around, he moved his arm so fast, you swear you could almost get whiplash...also the part about him being very insistent to correct others when they think you are his girlfriend....after over a year of dating him, that is really bad.

[Tasha49]

He does not still party. The only two nights I do not see him are when he works late. However... His roommate who throws all the parties will be returning next month and so he probablg will start the parties up again. Another reason the title is necessary. It would make me feel far more secure if people knew me as his gf. He does not text or call other women... I checked his phone (judge me again if you may) and it is all me, his mom, his buddies, and his roommates ex who is in Colorado. But those were only texts here and there which had no flirting.

 

He does not provide anything in my life expense wise. I pay for myself wherever we go unless he won't take no for an amswer. And he does find me sexually exciting. We do have sex frequently but it just isn't ever the main focus on our daily activities.

 

He does find me exciting. He used to invite me to every party he went to when we were first hooking up. I have a wild side, I am not strictly a "sweet girl." We always had a great time at parties and I was no less exciting than anyone else there.

 

He doesnt want to dine alone no... but ALWAYS dines with his buddies. So obviously he'd never worry about having to eat alone. I am not his 'only' company, thank you.

 

He has spent money on things that only I could use. He still does as well. Like the $300 dollar camera he bought me to support my photography. And the ipod stereo. He buys me cd's, football stuff (since i am a huge fan), cell phone cases, clothing items, blah blah.

 

I know plenty where I stand. I stand alone obviously in terms of what is wanted.

 

I am not wrong in expecting him to meet my needs... not when he continuously promises me them. If he never promised I'd have never expected much of anything at all.

 

I do not need counseling, thank you very much. I am not pathetic either for hoping to be with someone I am crazy about.

 

I never said I was perfect. In fact I had posted I was far from it. But I have not done anything to turn him off. Nothing significant enough for him to not commit. Otherwise he most likely would not spend 80% of his free time with me. I am the same person I have been from the start. If he didn't like it... he is smart enough to realize he needs to walk away.

 

I think you assume you know everyone's life based off of a few words. You think you are wise and big behind your shiny big words. But I think you are over judgemental and rude.

 

All I ever asked was a question and it ended with calling me pathetic and in need of counseling. You are pathetic. And I will not hear you out on anything else.

He texts me ALL the time throughout the day. Just mostly when he wakes up, lunch time, and at night.

[Tasha49]

I am a smart person. You base the fact that I need counseling on me being confused about the heart of a guys intentions. I am 21. I do not have the experience of the world when it comes to men to guide me correctly.

 

I am going places in my life... just not aiming for them right this second. Because I want to be young and have fun at my age.

 

I don't need all of these dramatic accusations about my life. I know that I am a kind and good hearted person. You can't call a girl who is in love pathetic.

[mortensorchid]

You have been with him for over a year and he has NEVER invited you to one of his parties?! Have you been to his house EVER? One of a few things are going on here:

 

1) Boys Only Parties - Unless he has a regular boys' night in where they get together and play poker or some fantasy games is it acceptable to say "No Girls Allowed".

 

2) Insecurity - He is worried that you will be hit on by other guys at the parties, or that you will meet someone you like even better through his parties.

 

3) Other Girlfriend(s) - He has another girlfriend(s) and he doesn't want to be found out if you show up.

 

Now, of course, none of these things could be true at all. Whatever the case may be, there is something strange going on here if you have been with him for as long as you have and he has NEVER invited you over to one of them and yet you know they are going on. I would seriously reconsider this situation no matter what the truth may or may not be.

[Nexus One]

Regardless of all that has been said by OP and those who replied to her, the current situation isn't making OP happy. The guy obviously doesn't reciprocate enough and that's something most people can't live with.

 

So in my opinion it comes down to OP having to find a boyfriend that does reciprocate fully and leave this current guy behind or she takes a break from guys for a while to reflect upon what happened and what she wants.

 

Like I said, I'm curious about whether OP could hold her own and not cave if/when the guy starts trying to convince her otherwise. Tasha when are you planning on having this conversation exactly?

[Tasha49]

You have been with him for over a year and he has NEVER invited you to one of his parties?! Have you been to his house EVER? One of a few things are going on here:

 

1) Boys Only Parties - Unless he has a regular boys' night in where they get together and play poker or some fantasy games is it acceptable to say "No Girls Allowed".

 

2) Insecurity - He is worried that you will be hit on by other guys at the parties, or that you will meet someone you like even better through his parties.

 

3) Other Girlfriend(s) - He has another girlfriend(s) and he doesn't want to be found out if you show up.

 

Now, of course, none of these things could be true at all. Whatever the case may be, there is something strange going on here if you have been with him for as long as you have and he has NEVER invited you over to one of them and yet you know they are going on. I would seriously reconsider this situation no matter what the truth may or may not be.

 

No I have been to some... but that was in the beginning when all we were was a hook-up. He didn't party a whole ton all the time because he got out of a 6-year relationship where the girl never let him party. So he had just started getting invited to parties and would take me too. Then it started getting more and more serious.

 

I have been to his house many many many times. If not 4 days a week (and I spend the night). So I doubt he has a gf or anything. I also have proof he doesnt talk to any girls other than me. Not yet at least.

 

Someone already told me they think he is insecure of the idea bringing me to parties. I get hit on all the time and it seems to upset him and he gets extra protective over me telling them to hit the road. There are usually more men than women at his parties so it may be possible. I did get hit on a ton at his parties back when he used to invite me. He told me to dress ugly for next time once even lol.

 

Maybe he doesn't want me at parties now because he got tired of me being hit on. And perhaps he doesn't want them to have a chance since he knows I am unhappy with his lack of commitment.

 

Though that is more a fantasy ideal. Could be true... but I have no idea.

[Nexus One]

You have been with him for over a year and he has NEVER invited you to one of his parties?! Have you been to his house EVER? One of a few things are going on here:

 

1) Boys Only Parties - Unless he has a regular boys' night in where they get together and play poker or some fantasy games is it acceptable to say "No Girls Allowed".

 

2) Insecurity - He is worried that you will be hit on by other guys at the parties, or that you will meet someone you like even better through his parties.

 

3) Other Girlfriend(s) - He has another girlfriend(s) and he doesn't want to be found out if you show up.

 

Now, of course, none of these things could be true at all. Whatever the case may be, there is something strange going on here if you have been with him for as long as you have and he has NEVER invited you over to one of them and yet you know they are going on. I would seriously reconsider this situation no matter what the truth may or may not be.

 

4) On such parties she'd satellite around him and he knows that would c*ckblock him and prevent him from f*cking other girls. That's probably also why he doesn't want the word to go around that she is his "girlfriend", it's c*ckblocking information that isn't meant to reach the ears of other girls. Harsh, but a likely scenario, because he has indeed been f*cking other girls, but has not told Tasha about it.

 

The confusion of OP could partly be due to that he has been playing her.

[Tasha49]

Regardless of all that has been said by OP and those who replied to her, the current situation isn't making OP happy. The guy obviously doesn't reciprocate enough and that's something most people can't live with.

 

So in my opinion it comes down to OP having to find a boyfriend that does reciprocate fully and leave this current guy behind or she takes a break from guys for a while to reflect upon what happened and what she wants.

 

Like I said, I'm curious about whether OP could hold her own and not cave if/when the guy starts trying to convince her otherwise. Tasha when are you planning on having this conversation exactly?

 

Thank you for your kind response. All this other nonsense is exhausting Lol.

 

That was my entire point in all of this. I really try so hard to accept him for the way he is... but it gets more and more hard. I keep having thoughts of him at a party and doing things with some drunk girl. I keep thinking he is keeping his options open. Though I doubt it... it is still possible. He says I am the best girl out there for him but just isn't in a place to commit. Well I don't want to be here another year and a half and still be waiting.

 

I really think I can do this. I HAVE to walk away. Because I can only take so much. I will keep you updated when I (soon) decide to end it.

[Tasha49]

4) On such parties she'd satellite around him and he knows that would c*ckblock him and prevent him from f*cking other girls. That's probably also why he doesn't want the word to go around that she is his "girlfriend", it's c*ckblocking information that isn't meant to reach the ears of other girls. Harsh, but a likely scenario, because he has indeed been f*cking other girls, but has not told Tasha about it.

 

The confusion of OP could partly be due to that he has been playing her.

 

That is another option I actually see could have some truth. That is why I WANT the girlfriend title. Because I will feel like it will at least make me more secure with him at parties.

 

One thing to think about also... at least if he does want me and to hook up too... he hasn't committed. Because at least this way he won't actually cheat on me.

 

Or I am delusional

[Nexus One]

I really try so hard to accept him for the way he is... but it gets more and more hard.

 

You don't have to accept him the way he is. He's been f*cking other girls, he's been correcting other people that you're not his girlfriend, he pulls his arm away from you when around other people. End of discussion.

 

I really think I can do this. I HAVE to walk away. Because I can only take so much. I will keep you updated when I (soon) decide to end it.

 

Not sure what there is left to decide about Tasha. Don't torture yourself so much. You might be trying to be as reasonable as possible here, but in my opinion his behavior doesn't warrant that anymore. Try to set firmer standards for the next guy earlier on.

[Tasha49]

You don't have to accept him the way he is. He's been f*cking other girls, he's been correcting other people that you're not his girlfriend, he pulls his arm away from you when around other people. End of discussion.

 

 

 

Not sure what there is left to decide about Tasha. Don't torture yourself so much. You might be trying to be as reasonable as possible here, but in my opinion his behavior doesn't warrant that anymore. Try to set firmer standards for the next guy earlier on.

 

Yes he has done so 3 times (that I know of), and although that was all before he admitted to loving me... I also have to look at the possibility that when his roommate comes back to the house they will be partying again and he will probably get drunk and screw around if given the right opportunity. And for me to worry about that and not do anything about it would be bad on my part. I can't expect a pity party when I have options to change this.

 

And by 'decide' to end it I also said WHEN I decide to end it. Not if I decide t end it. So there is no more decision timing to make because I am positive as is. But I guess I should plan on a day. I am only asking for torture really.

[Nexus One]

For the time being you can perhaps already write the letter (in a text file), if not only to get all the things you want to say organized.

[Kamille]

Tasha, I think you're flip flopping for one very simple reason: if you could have your way, you would want a serious relationship with this guy, one that is exclusive, where he is fully committed to you, is proud to call you his girlfriend and doesn't mind being affectionate in public, (and invites you to his parties).

 

I haven't followed your story but have you ever simply told him what you want? What about doing it now? If he repeats that he doesn't want a commitment, then you will know without a doubt that you two aren't on the same page. It will make walking away that much easier. On the off-chance that he does want a relationship, you will have opened space for communication.

 

I am now in my mid-thirties. When I was 22, I thought I was madly in love with a guy who also struggled to fully commit. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with him. I thought it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. I was really attached to seeing things work out between us. I never got my wish. I spent a full year grasping at whatever straw he would throw my way, until the day when he left a party with another girl. That was my rock bottom. But you know what? A few years later, the guy ended up struggling with a drug addiction. He had a child with a woman and was a very absent dad. Not getting what I wanted was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. You can't always get what you want - and that's usually for the best.

[Tasha49]

For the time being you can perhaps already write the letter (in a text file), if not only to get all the things you want to say organized.

 

I already wrote it last night. I need to work on bits though because it gets to things that don't matter and that are rather emotional and personal. I also said sorry about 20 times. So I need to fix that.

 

Good advice though! I really appreciate you being polite and not slamming me with assumptions

[Hot Chick]

If a guy pulled away from me at a party because he didn't want people to know we were involved, that would be the last time he saw me. I think most women would do the same. I mean you said he pulled away so fast you swear you would get whiplash (yes I know that is exaggeration but still...). He was basicallly ashamed to be seen with you!

I really think you should go back and read Marley's posts again. She was right on.

I also think you should take a class or two and get your feet wet into furthering your college education. I think you have a lot of time on your hands and you have become obsessed with this guy who really doesn't care about you and treats you like crap. You need something important to focus on instead of this loser.

I know you're going to say "I can't afford it" but you can afford one or two classes at a communnity college, and you can get student loans.

Edited August 9, 2011 by Hot Chick

[MarlyStar]

I am going places in my life... just not aiming for them right this second. Because I want to be young and have fun at my age.

You can't call a girl who is in love pathetic.

 

Were you having fun when he went to parties without you?

 

Were you having fun when he walked out of a party with another woman leaving you to wonder how you were going to get home?

 

Do you have fun when his roommate and him have parties (and yes, I did notice you switched again from HIM throwing parties to the ROOMMATE throwing the parties...inconsistency, inconsistency) and NEITHER invite you even though the roommate knows you are over all the time and he's sleeping with you regularly (do you realize that he's TOLD the roommate NOT to invite you?).

 

Is it fun when he pulls away from you so the people who matter the most to him don't get the wrong idea about you (to his guy friends, your just a back alley lay, to his women friends you are invisible)?

 

Was it fun when another of his 'friends' told you about the 3 women he slept with (gotta wonder why the 'friend' told you? to hurt you? to warn you off?)

 

Is it fun to be so insecure that you are sneaking through his texts and calls (knowing that it's not possible for him to put them on auto delete).

 

Is it fun to defend him against your family and friends who you say hate him?

 

What is fun about this?

 

You have fun with his mother. That's nice.

 

I am going places in my life... just not aiming for them right this second. Because I want to be young and have fun at my age.

 

Please note that many, many people (your boyfriend included) have the ability to go to school, build a future and still have fun.

 

You can't call a girl who is in love pathetic.

 

Actually, you can. Shall we take a poll?

 

The counseling is to teach you how to evaluate an inter-gender situation (hows that for political correctness?). You should have dumped him after he abandoned you at that party for that woman you hated. Probably you should have dumped him earlier. People don't even treat friends they aren't sleeping with like that. It has nothing to do with smart. Clearly you are not smart in interpersonal relationships. And this is causing you a lot of pain, humiliation and confusion. And it's wasting your time. And it's not the first time. He's the 3rd boyfriend you will admit to whose done you wrong.

 

He's your boyfriend, even if you aren't his girlfriend, and that's how he likes it, hence he tries to keep you away from other men, if you were friends, FWB or just hook ups, he wouldn't care. But he does care he wants to be your boyfried without having you be his girlfriend. He's a taker, not a giver (and spare me the nonsense about taking you to dinner and lending you his car: cheap and meaningless to him. He has to eat anyway and he didn't really need his car and it kept you hooked into a really awful relationship).

 

And he cheated on you even if you let him off on a technicality. Technicalities don't take away hurt. You were hurt. And you were humiliated--everyone else knew what happened. He advertised loud and clear what you meant to him.

 

He stopped going to parties after he said he loved you, and he said he loved you, what, two months ago? So in a year and a half he's only 'loved' you for 2 months. Wanna bet the declaration of love came at the same time as a 'break up'?

 

You made it sound like he stopped partying because he loves you. But it turns out that it's just because his roommate is out of town. And you acknowledge when the roommate comes back he will resume partying, and you will continue to be excluded, and you are pretty sure he'll start up 'screwing around' (your words) again.

 

You actually said if you were his official girlfriend you'd feel more secure about him not cheating. My dear, I've got news for you--men cheat on their WIVES, a title far more prestigious than girlfriend. No title ever stopped a man from cheating.

 

You acknowledge you need to break up with him but are going to fuss around and delay over HOW to do it. You've got an agenda--and it's not to end things with him. Your agenda in this break up is to manipulate him into giving you the girlfriend title--and this is a delicate operation that requires a lot of thought and setting up and consideration.

 

Breaking up is easy. You just stay away from him and go NC. If you have to tell him something it's a quick text: "I've decide to break up with you. You know why." (he does know why).

 

But you want him to know how much he's hurt you. You want to play the guilt card (never works but if it makes you feel better...). So write a long letter and send it and go NC.

 

Then take yourself down to the nearest college that will accept you, get a Stafford loan and a Pell grant and start going to school and having a life of your own investing in yourself, meeting new people without him blocking you, and having real fun with people who want you at their parties and are proud to be seen with you.

[dispatch3d]

Jesus christ. The guy makes for a ****ty friends with benefits, why the hell do you want him as a boyfriend.

 

I mean, I can understand you figure you can get any guy, why not this one, but this **** is just stupid.

 

Cut tails and run. Work on something worth working on.

[Tasha49]

First of all let me get a few things straight.

 

He does throw parties... at his house yes. But it was never HIM doing the invites. It was his roommate. He just then came out of a 6 year relationship. He did not have party friends. So some parties were his idea but it was his roommate who knew all the people. Andof course his roommate wouldn't invite me... I do not keep in contact with him nor am I close to him enough.

 

And I did have a ride after he took the girl home from the bbq (it wasn't a party, it was 4 of us co-workers and a mutual friend of mine and his). This has no importance but I did have a ride from one of my co-workers.

 

And... none of his friends knew about him sleeping with any of the 3 girls. I found them out... No one else.

[Tasha49]

Also.. He does not set his texts on auto delete. He has a phone password and doesn't know I know it. So he would not hide anything on purpose.

[CatNtheHat]

Call me paranoid but the guy I am involed with refuses to invite me to any of his parties. I asked him last night why he won't ever let me come to his house parties and all he said was that the party isn't that big anyway or if he goes to someone else's party they don't want people they don't know. Bs! And I told him that I would like to go to the huge Halloween party at his place that he has been planning on having for a while. He very noticeably looked uncomfortable at the gesture and all of a sudden said he may not have it anyway and nothing is certain. He still never said I should come if he does have it. Just the idea of me being with him at parties makes him uneasy in general. And it is not like I am weird or dramatic or anything so it has nothing to do with my personality. His friends all love me and so I do not see the problem.

 

Him and I are not official ever since we started a year and a few months ago because he has some weird commitment issues or something. Those of you who know my situation know that I plan to end it very soon because it is bs. I can't trust him if he won't commit to an exclusive relationship.

 

I hae been faithful and we are not even committed. We are very couple-like in every aspect mostly other than the title. So as I have been faithful he has slept with at least 3 people. I found out, he never told me.

 

So the only reason I can think of as to why he refuses to invite me to his parties is because he may hook up with a girl? Right? There is NO reason not to invite me if the reason is innocent. And if he loved me he would want to bring me to parties at least sometimes, right?

 

 

How old are you? And yes it is a big red flag. You are not the only girl in his life and thats probably why he hasn't invited you. But if you aren't exclusive than he has every right to be with as many women as he wants.

[Star Gazer]

And by 'decide' to end it I also said WHEN I decide to end it. Not if I decide t end it.

 

So there's a "when you decide to end it," as in when you decide to end it IN THE FUTURE, which means you have not actually decided to end it.

[Tasha49]

Marly I feel like a whole lot of what you said is right. Bits I feel are still debatable but for the most part that post was more understandable.

 

(sidenote: he told me he loved me in April. So 4 months ago technically, not that it is significant)

 

I already know he does not treat me how I deserve to be treated. Well, actually... I guess at this point I do deserve to be treated like this since I am taking all the crap instead of ending it the first initial time I saw red flags. So I guess I rather men I already know he does not treat me the way I SHOULD be treated. The way i want to be treated. I mean I have done so many things for him. I feel like what you say IS true in the sense that he takes but rarely gives. He gives me perfection behind closed doors but dare they open the only thing he gives is unfairness. He takes and takes and takes; and that would be fine... if I took as equally. But never has he given exactly what I have for him. And if this were to be healthy... then that would not exist at all. It should never be the case.

 

I know this is unhealthy, and stupid, useless, ridiculous, absurd; whatever of the sort. And I have known since about a whole year ago. But I had hopes so high that yes I practically killed over the breadcrumbs he did throw my way (even though he HAS thrown quite a lot more). And I know they were never enough to mean anything. I just kept wishing and wishing amd convincing myself that the crumbs would start to get bigger and I would be full and eventually content as they added up.

 

I have never been in denial that this is one sh*tty situation. And I don't think anyone deserves it. But again, it was always so difficult to admit defeat. That I could try and do everything under the sun and maybe his mind would finally change and he would see himself as ready. But an entire year and a half later kind of changed the design of my hopes. I no longer hope for anything because I have never seen any of the things I have been promised. The words of giving him two more weeks were never put into action... a whole 4 months later. It would be clear to even the blind that this is going nowhere. I just believed his words.

 

I know I need to get into college. I am actually thinking hard about it. I do want a better life and I can't get there by only saying I will. I need to actually DO it. I just need to sort my mess of a life out right now.

[Tasha49]

So there's a "when you decide to end it," as in when you decide to end it IN THE FUTURE, which means you have not actually decided to end it.

 

Ugh.

 

No one gets what I mean by that. And yes in the future. In the NEAR NEAR NEAR VERY SOON future. You all telling me I can't go through with it amd that I won't is only going to piss me off and make me NOT want to do it.