Is it normal if a guy you're seeing never invites you to his parties?

[Tasha49]

Of course you are in a relationship with him. You talk to him every day per you and you travel with him and you make future plans and you've met his family and go to dinner and etc and etc and etc...

 

That's a relationship. It's not a healthy dating, loving relationship. It's a bad unhealthy exploitive relationship--but it's still a relationship.

 

If you didn't have a relationship, you'd have nothing to 'break off'.

 

 

 

Of course you are fooling yourself. The question is why? Why is it so vitally, essentially, primally important for you to believe he loves you so and that--in your own words--you are PERFECT for each other.

 

Your belief that you are perfect for each other is you fooling yourself.

 

 

 

 

I don't believe you are done. I believe you are going to do a drama queen break up, hoping for crying and pleading, and will hold out just a little bit longer than the last few times you broke up with him, and then go back to status quo. Because he really does love you, just .... (fill in excuse of the month: needs more time, has to play the field a bit, needs to finish the semester, is recovering from his horrid ex, whatever).

 

 

 

He clearly does have time. He's had 3 other women that you know about (and obviously others you don't). He has parties where you are excluded. He still has 20% of his life that isn't spent working or with you. It takes very few minutes a day to have a full texting relationship with others as well.

 

But I'm curious. How do you explain the fact that he excludes you from his parties when he knows you want to go with the fact that he LOVEs you so much? It's absolutely NOT loving behavior. It's very dismissive behavior, like abandoning you at a party ride-less to go off and boink another woman.

 

Some people have high pain threshholds. You have a high humiliation threshhold. You shouldn't.

 

I appreciate your opinions on me and my life... but you are not very accurate at all.

 

Sure it is a relationship. But not a boyfriend-girlfriend fully committed relationship.

 

I have already said I don't care ANYMORE whether he loves me or not. I keep repeatig myself when I say I was only defensive because no one was saying he was even interested in me at all. Which is not even the case. Think what you all wish but you can't claim something so easily without experiencing. Words are useless without example.

 

I don't care whether people believe me or not about moving on. That is not even an importance factor. At the end of the day if I know what I am doing or not that is all that matters. I obviously am aware that nothing at this point will change his mind. The only option left is something i have not tried. If you want to accuse me of being content with being hurt... be my guest. More power to ya.

 

He does not have time for a girlfriend. You think a 2 day a week relationship would be possible? Well I would hope not for her sake. If he had a girlfriend, I would not be the 5 day a week girl. I would be the less important. Even when we don't see each other two days out of the week. He calls me to say goodmorning, calls me on my lunch break, and calls me at night for at least an hour. No girl on the other side would put up with that. He would never get away clean.

 

Him leaving me at the party was BEFORE he confessed he loved me. It wadn't til after when he finally admitted. And not inviting me to parties would suggest not loving me... but that was also before he told me he realized he loves me. He hasn't had a party since. I know because his only roommate who knows enough people is out of town with his parents and is working a temporary job. He could go to parties but doesn't. I am either with him or at least talking to him throughout the night. He always seems sober and himself.

 

The point is... I really don't care anymore about any of this because no one (except a few) gets it. People keep failing to read parts of my replies. Then I have to go back and re-tell it and re explain. There have been posts I have honestly found helpful and made me realize a few things. But now it is just full of accusations rather than opinions.

[Tasha49]

Anyone with a non-biased opinion care to help me on how to approach telling him I have finally had enough and moving on?

 

Please don't be one-sided and say things like, "He is a dick. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Cut him off and NC him."

 

This was a year and a half. I think I would rather approach it in a civilized, adult manner. Something without drama.

 

Whether anyone thinks so or not... he IS a good person. Just doesn't wantthe seriousness that I want. I am the one who chose to think it would change. He never promised anything. Though he should have had the heart not to lead me on.

[Nexus One]

I understand what you mean Tasha, you want to end it, but you just want to be strategic about it, because for some reason that feels more comfortable.

[Tasha49]

Or worse or equally as bad, because even though in the back of their mind a drunk person might know what he/she is doing is wrong, they might still blame it on being drunk. So they'd use the alcohol as a scapegoat, instead of owning up to their responsibility.

 

If a girl ever cheats on me and blames it on alcohol, her odds for a second chance drop to a flat 0%. The odds for a second chance would already be very low, but that's besides the point. I'd be very disappointed in her character, first of all for cheating and second of all for not being mature enough to own up to her responsibility.

 

You are more than right. And I completely agree.

 

Because... what he is implying, is that he will be faithful unless he is trashed out of his mind and given the right moment would cheat. If he can't control his penis because he drank too much, then that is pretty sh*tty. And I don't want that. I will never ever ever trust him around alcohol when I am not around.

 

Cheating because of alcohol is the dumbest excuse I've ever and will ever hear.

[Nexus One]

Anyone with a non-biased opinion care to help me on how to approach telling him I have finally had enough and moving on?

 

Please don't be one-sided and say things like, "He is a dick. He doesn't deserve an explanation. Cut him off and NC him."

 

This was a year and a half. I think I would rather approach it in a civilized, adult manner. Something without drama.

 

Whether anyone thinks so or not... he IS a good person. Just doesn't wantthe seriousness that I want. I am the one who chose to think it would change. He never promised anything. Though he should have had the heart not to lead me on.

 

In my opinion, if you get a new boyfriend NC would be the best path to take, because it wouldn't be fair to your new boyfriend to keep hanging around and communicating to an old flame of yours for whom you have/had feelings.

[Tasha49]

I understand what you mean Tasha, you want to end it, but you just want to be strategic about it, because for some reason that feels more comfortable.

 

Exactly so

 

I want him to realize how hurt he has actually made it. Because I don't think he knows how ****ty I feel in the end. Having a mostly secret relationship is not what I want in my life. And I want him to know that I have held on way more than I should have and he basically got everything he needed but left me in the dark.

[Tasha49]

In my opinion, if you get a new boyfriend NC would be the best path to take, because it wouldn't be fair to your new boyfriend to keep hanging around and communicating to an old flame of yours for whom you have/had feelings.

 

I definitely need to go NC eventually and it is what I want. I just didn't want people to tell me go NC and that be all the advice given, you know?

[Tasha49]

Exactly so

 

I want him to realize how hurt he has actually made it. Because I don't think he knows how ****ty I feel in the end. Having a mostly secret relationship is not what I want in my life. And I want him to know that I have held on way more than I should have and he basically got everything he needed but left me in the dark.

 

How hurt he has made me, not it*

 

And I guess what I mean by approach also is... should it be by letter? Phone? Should I tell him to meet up with me and try my best to get it out?

[Nexus One]

How hurt he has made me, not it*

 

And I guess what I mean by approach also is... should it be by letter? Phone? Should I tell him to meet up with me and try my best to get it out?

 

If you have a lot to say and want to express and articulate your feelings meticulously, then writing a letter and personally handing it over to him seems like the best strategy to me. If you try to put it in words on the spot, you might not find the right words or ways to express your feelings.

 

But if you're very well-spoken in even emotional situations, then you could do it by talking to him directly.

 

Or you could write the letter first, have him read it and then meet up in person with him to talk about it. Then you'd combine the best of both worlds so to say, but that's my opinion, perhaps other people might think differently about it.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Nexus One

[Tasha49]

If you have a lot to say and want to express and articulate your feelings meticulously, then writing a letter and personally handing it over to him seems like the best strategy to me. If you try to put it in words on the spot, you might not find the right words or ways to express your feelings.

 

But if you're very well-spoken in even emotional situations, then you could do it by talking to him directly.

 

Or you could write the letter first, have him read it and then meet up in person with him to talk about it. Then you'd combine the best of both worlds so to say, but that's my opinion, perhaps other people might think differently about it.

 

That is actually a good idea.

 

Because, everything else I have tried has failed. I mean generally a letter is the coward way out but this technically isn't an official relationship. Besides, I have already told him many times I can't keep doing this because I have too many feelings for him.

 

I could give him the letter, and then tell him if he has any questions or wants to tall about anything he is welcome to do so... but that the decision is final. He will probably try, as always, to convince me he needs just a little more time. But he has said that many times starting at least half a year ago.

 

I am freakin' serious here people, lol. I have had it. I know some of you may not think I can do it but the fact of the matter is that I have no other choice. Half-happiness for the time being or full happiness in the future? I would hope someone with at least part of a brain would realize which is better of the two. But I do have a brain and I know how to use it The only reason I have kept coming back was because I was still in that stage where everything he said to keep me staying sounded believable. But you tend to stop believing in something when nothing has been proven. The Boy who Cried Wolf comes to mind here. He keeps saying he needs 2 more weeks... but after 2 weeks passes 2 months later... it kind of starts to become unbelievable.

 

It is now clear that he will never be ready EVEN if he keeps saying he will be. I mean a year and a half later you should know whether or not you want a relationship.

[Tasha49]

I don't know if it was said in here or the other thread but it was true.

 

He could scream from a mountain, a skyscraper, or an airplane that he loves me. But if he can't prove it with actions then I really don't find it very believable.

[Nexus One]

He could scream from a mountain, a skyscraper, or an airplane that he loves me. But if he can't prove it with actions then I really don't find it very believable.

 

It'll be interesting to see if you will be able to stick to your guns and won't cave. Let us know what happened once you gave him the letter and talked to him.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Nexus One

[MarlyStar]

Having a mostly secret relationship is not what I want in my life.

 

This is the problem with your posts and why some people think you are playing games (more with yourself than with us--but with us too).

 

You start off complaining he keeps you a secret. Then we say keeping you a secret is a sign he doesn't love you much at all. And then you start telling us that he DOESN'T keep you secret: his friends and roommates know you (and love you), his family knows you (and loves you), his boss knows you, your family and friends know about the two of you, strangers on vacation and in expensive restaurants know about you. Sometimes he holds your hand in public, sometimes he doesn't. You go to great length to explain that he ISN'T keeping you a secret. And then again around post 100 you say once again that you want to ditch the non-relationship because he keeps you a secret and keeps you in the dark.

 

If everyone knows about you--what's so secretive about your association with him?

 

On Aug 2 you start a thread asking why he doesn't invite you to parties. You are told it's because you doesn't love you very much you aren't all that important to him, he's not that into you. And off you go refuting your own words. Oh yes he does love you, you are important to him, everyone says so and his face lights up and he says he loves you and cries if you want to break up with him, yada, yada, yada--but you ignore the act that he doesn't ACT like he loves you, if he loved you he would do a simple thing of inviting you to his party with all your mutual friends the ones who love you so much and tell you he's crazy about you).

 

THis is pretty good evidence that he doesn't in fact feel about you the way you promote, so your story changes: he USED to invite you to his parties, then he stopped. And btw he doesn't have parties any more anyway--not since he told you he loved you.

 

So apparently there was only a short time between when he used to take you to parties and invite you to his and when he told you he loved you that he didn't invite you--a problem which has since gone away since he doesn't--according to you just a few posts back--doesn't go to parties or have them anymore.

 

Look at your original post:

 

Call me paranoid but the guy I am involed with refuses to invite me to any of his parties. I asked him last night why he won't ever let me come to his house parties and all he said was that the party isn't that big anyway or if he goes to someone else's party they don't want people they don't know. Bs! And I told him that I would like to go to the huge Halloween party at his place that he has been planning on having for a while. He very noticeably looked uncomfortable at the gesture and all of a sudden said he may not have it anyway and nothing is certain. He still never said I should come if he does have it. Just the idea of me being with him at parties makes him uneasy in general. And it is not like I am weird or dramatic or anything so it has nothing to do with my personality. His friends all love me and so I do not see the problem.

 

So the only reason I can think of as to why he refuses to invite me to his parties is because he may hook up with a girl? Right? There is NO reason not to invite me if the reason is innocent. And if he loved me he would want to bring me to parties at least sometimes, right?

 

This is present tense. If he hasn't had any parties for a long time, then why did you ask him on Aug 1 why you weren't invited?

 

Because this is an on-going, present issue.

 

Also there are many posts where his friends just love you and tell you all these things about him and support you--and yet one of the reasons he gives that you can't come is that his friends don't know you. You hang out with his roommates all the time--and the parties are given in his house, so they go and they know you--but the reason he gives for keeping you away is that they don't know you?

 

Which is it?

 

I'm sure you will tapdance around the answer and give a convoluted explanation that seems to explain how I'm wrong. And because it's not true, it will clash with other statements you've made. ANd if I put half a mind to looking, I will have no trouble finding them.

 

You are very inconsistent. You are inconsistent about his infidelities, about the party he abandoned you to sleep with another woman, about apsects of the vacation, etc ...

 

You say multiple times (in caps nonetheless) that you don't care how he feels, and also say you are worried about breaking up with him hurting his feelings. It also won't make you look good if you don't time it right (how shallow is that?). You say you want to be nice, but you hate being nice. You say you have low self esteem and you say you have high self esteem. He has a lot o sex with you, he hardly has sex with you. Yada, yada, yada...

 

He gets let off on infidelity on the technicalities of being drunk and not having officially declared himself exclusive. You've said he's done MANY horrible things to you (I forget the exact adjective). Altho he's slept around, you are sure he doesn't have anyone else (ignore the fact that there are men who have two wives, two sets of children, work and for YEARS manage to make each woman think she's the only one).

 

Okay, so fine:

 

If he loves you so much, shows you off to his friends, family, boss, your friends and family, strangers, etc... If he's not sleeping around anymore, and not partying any more, If he claims he loves you, vacations with you, spends all his times and money on you, his face lights up when he sees you, all his friends agree he's crazy about you (including the friends who are ratting him out and gossiping about what he does behind your back). If he's plannning a future with you, cruises, vacations to Colombia, and gets all excited at the thought of doing these things with you; if he's faithful to you (these days); if he's heartbroken and crying and pleading and promising when you threaten to break up with him; if you are perfect for each other and a couple in all but name--WHY ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH HIM?

[MarlyStar]

He could scream from a mountain, a skyscraper, or an airplane that he loves me. But if he can't prove it with actions then I really don't find it very believable.

 

But according to what you've written, he has proven it: he spends all his time on you. He stopped partying without you. He's now faithful to you nowadays and doesn't drink too much. He's said he loves you. He doesn't have much money but took you on a cruise and takes you to expensive dinners. He brags about you to his family. His friends, roommates, and boss all think he's crazy about you. He let you borrow his car. His face lights up when he sees you. He talks to you morning, noon, and night. He spends time with you even if he doesn't want sex. He becomes distraught at the thought of losing you and excited at the thought of seeing you.

 

What more do you want?

 

Engagement ring?

[MarlyStar]

One of two things is happening here.

 

1. He treats you like crap, is using you, and has very little real regard or respect or love for you (notice I did not say NONE), and you find little scraps of affection for you, patchworked with something nice that happened once or twice, or used to happen but doesn't anymore, pasted together with gossip from his 'friends', and sugarcoated with basic sweet talking that all players do and bundled it up in a great big fantasy world you've constructed to meet some very serious emotional needs inside of you. ANd this fantasy world is guarded by denial and lies. Lying mostly to yourself because you cannot bare to face how little he really cares.

 

or:

 

2. He's a great guy, who loves you dearly and is trying to make up a temporary lapse in judgement, but is now everything you want, but you are going to dump him because of made up reasons such as he 'keeps you in the dark', and the relationship is 'mostly secret', and who knows why? As revenge for a temporary lapse in fidelity or because he won't give you the official girlfriend title or worse, because you have issues with males and really really bneed to see a therapist, or something.

 

I think you are designing the break up so he WILL beg and cry and plead and if it's scenario 2 you will get the official girlfriend title (but remember coersion always backfires in the end)-- or if it's scenario one, his crying and pleading will give you enough fuel to keep the fantasy alive for a while more, after the drama is over and he goes back to treating you like crap.

 

I say design the break up so there is no possibility of you seeing the crying and pleading and promises you and his friends are so sure will come. Send a letter and go NO CONTACT. If it doesn't matter if he screams his love for you from the rooftops, then why do you ever need to talk to him again after you let him know how much he hurt you?

[Hot Chick]

Very interesting. Thank you for the input it is helpful And that does sound like my situation. It is so weird how some people are, like these two guys. And like you said the one I am with clearly does not want FWB but a lot of people say he does. They don't know our relationship though. And ai mean I don't blame them for seeing what they see but it really isn't the case.

 

I am not sure how this is going to end. All I know is that it has to. Maybe he will actually commit but maybe not. I can't give my hopes up. But I can't say I wouldn't enter a relationship in the future with him if he was finally ready.

 

To tell the truth, I don't buy BellaBella's story that her ex was in love with her, but couldn't commit. The truth is, he couldn't commit to HER because he WASN'T in love with her. She has told herself this as an excuse. If it was that she was just unable to commit, he wouldn't currently have a girlfriend. He is able to commit to another woman, he just wasn't in love with bellabella. I'm sure she believed it when he told her "I'm in love with you, I just can't commit." Because somehow he was able to commit to someone else....and you can't say "well, he got over his commitment issues." Well, bellabella says they've been in constant contact, and if it was true he was in love with her but just had commitment issues, he would have called her and committed to her when he was over his issues. He didn't do this. Instead, he has easily committed to some other chick.

Food for thought.

Edited August 8, 2011 by Hot Chick

[Tasha49]

Marly you still do not do your reading. Everyone knows about me. Of course they do. He brings me around everyone he associates with. My problem was never people knowing about me. It was them knowing about US. he refuses to touch me in an affectionate way around them. No kissing, hugging, or talking about anything we do in moments where we are alone. He hides what we have... not me.

 

THAT is why I am letting go. And I am finished with this subject.

[Tasha49]

To tell the truth, I don't buy BellaBella's story that her ex was in love with her, but couldn't commit. The truth is, he couldn't commit to HER because he WASN'T in love with her. She has told herself this as an excuse. If it was that she was just unable to commit, he wouldn't currently have a girlfriend. He is able to commit to another woman, he just wasn't in love with bellabella. I'm sure she believed it when he told her "I'm in love with you, I just can't commit." Because somehow he was able to commit to someone else....and you can't say "well, he got over his commitment issues." Well, bellabella says they've been in constant contact, and if it was true he was in love with her but just had commitment issues, he would have called her and committed to her when he was over his issues. He didn't do this. Instead, he has easily committed to some other chick.

Food for thought.

Interesting. And the more I considered that, the more I can see it.

 

If he loved her... I believe he wouldn't have let her get away. And the same goes for my situation. I no longer believe he is IN love with me. But that he does love me, in his own way. If he truly loved me and being around me... he would have made it more clear by now.

[Tasha49]

But according to what you've written, he has proven it: he spends all his time on you. He stopped partying without you. He's now faithful to you nowadays and doesn't drink too much. He's said he loves you. He doesn't have much money but took you on a cruise and takes you to expensive dinners. He brags about you to his family. His friends, roommates, and boss all think he's crazy about you. He let you borrow his car. His face lights up when he sees you. He talks to you morning, noon, and night. He spends time with you even if he doesn't want sex. He becomes distraught at the thought of losing you and excited at the thought of seeing you.

 

What more do you want?

 

Engagement ring?

 

When I say he hasn't proven it... I mean he has not committed. If he loved me as he says he does, what is the problem with asking me to be his girlfriend? I can't introduce him to any of my friends or family as anything serious. I have to say he is my friend. When they know otherwise yet he insists never to use the term boyfriend.

 

Certainly would NOT want an engagement ring. A title is not much to ask...

[stillafool]

How hurt he has made me, not it*

 

And I guess what I mean by approach also is... should it be by letter? Phone? Should I tell him to meet up with me and try my best to get it out?

 

 

Call him up and tell him how you feel and then go NC.

[WeatherMe]

I think everyone should have a MarlyStar in their back pocket. Seriously listen to her. She specifically (others have as well) given you EVERYTHING you need to know. About him AND yourself. Open your eyes girl. Stop being wishy washy and realize what's going on. Can't see the forest for the trees.

[MarlyStar]

So you essentially will give up love, fidelity, caring and care taking, attention, and a future with the guy you are crazy with, the guy who's perfect for you and for whom you are all but a couple in name, for the title of girlfriend?

 

Being the girlfriend isn't enough for you, you want to be called the girlfriend. And if he gives you everything a girlfriend would want--and according to you he has--and you love him like crazy and he loves you desperately, but he doesn't call you a girlfriend, you'll dump him...for a title.

 

I see how you want to play this out. You are going to dump him HOPING for the crying and begging he's done before (that's how you got him to say I love you?) and then your condition for not dumping him will be to make you his official girlfriend. And you will have successfully coerced him into something he's been clear he didn't want, or didn't want yet. You will use emotional blackmail on him.

 

It may work in the short term. But will not in the long run. He'll get back at you somehow, probably by cheating (and they you'll have more proof that all men cheat). Anything not freely given is not really yours.

 

You gave him two weeks to come to a declaration, then two months. He

"SHOULD" know in that time frame, according to you. (Yes, I know you've been going together for a year and a few months, but nothing before he said 'I love you' counts for some reason).

 

Why SHOULD he know on YOUR time table? Clearly because you need it. Everything he provides for you--so you say all that good stuff--is not enough for you, means nothing actually unless he calls you a girlfriend too. It's worthless and you'll throw it away. (So much for how much you love HIM). Substance doesn't matter, only the title. You need that girlfriend title, you need it, you certainly need it more than you need him, you need it more than you care about his comfort.

 

Why are you so insistent, impatient and demanding about something so truly unimportant--if all the rest you say is true? Is it because there's really no direction or depth in your own life and you are depending upon a male to provide it for you?

[dispatch3d]

What the hell are you waiting for. Just stop seeing the guy, and if he asks for sex just tell him your looking for a relationship and not interested anymore. Problem solved. Go find a real boyfriend now and stop farting around with this half assed fake one.

[MarlyStar]

The thing is, I don't believe how you characterize the relationship. I think he does still party, does still exclude you, and that you are lying when you say he stopped partying because the truth of what it means that he excludes you is too painful. I think he's still sleeping around and texting and calling other girls. I think he does keep you in the dark and want your relationship to be a secret because he doesn't want his name and reputation linked to you.

 

I think also he doesn't want to be responsible for providing all the content of your life and he looks at you as someone without a future without much to contribute except caretaking which is awful nice and he appreciates alot, but which doesn't really excite him. I find it telling that he isn't all that aggressive sexually with you, somewhat unusual for a 24 year old male with lots of sexual opportunities. I think if that's true, he's getting it elsewhere and doesn't find you sexually exciting, but you are convenient. The fact that he abandoned one sexual partner he escorted to a party to go off with another one says a lot. If he doesn't find you sexually exciting, but merely okay/acceptable, he's not going to want to commit to you exclusively. Men want exciting dynamic sexual partners.

 

You're the nice girl he took home to mother. Other women are the fun ones he prefers to invite to his house for parties. You're the nice girl he likes to relax with and pal around with. You are submissive and accommodating and don't make much fuss no matter how badly he mistreats you. If you get a hair up your hiney, he can smooth you down with a show of drama--and for the most part revert back to status quo.

 

And all the time you are sitting waiting for him, reminding yourself he lent you his car and that must mean something, he texts you twice every morning noon and night (probably takes a total of 15 minutes of his life and he can be simultaneously texting someone else--my kids text several people all at once which is how they run up 2000 texts a month apiece).

 

He says he loves you and that's enough to keep you sweet to him because of course no man ever lied about that. He weaves cheap dreams about things in the future like Colombia that will never come true because he doesn't have the money and you seize on it as proof he will commit someday soon. He wants to go out to expensive dinners and who wants to dine alone and he likes you so he takes you, and you believe this has meaning.

 

At the same time he treats you like crap, doesn't want responsibility for making you happy, but doesn't want you wandering off and finding it elsewhere--it's not so easy to find a pretty little submissive thing like you who is so easily set up. He compartments his life, and leave you out of the most important parts (except for his family, but I don't think your interaction with them is as significant as you think, mom wants him to have a nice girl, he produces you, she's happy and he doesn't have to deal with her asking to many questions about his private life).

 

He'll give you pretty much what you want, if it doesn't cost him anything (and he's not worried about spending money on you, because when he spends money on you, he's spending it on himself as well--I haven't noticed you mentioning him spending money on things that ONLY benefit you, such as jewelry or tuition). Cheap words, cheap dreams, cheap drama, mom's happy, he has pleasant back up companionship dedicated all to himself at the snap of his fingers--and he can do whatever he wants.

 

This is working well for him. Giving you the girlfriend title will mess it up. Having you at his parties will mess it up. Letting people know how much time he really spends with you will mess it up. Letting people know he's said he's loved you will mess it up.

 

I think you aren't very sure where you stand. I think your fantasy world and reality are colliding right now--because of the discussion about the parties that took place on Aug 1 and because of some of the things that happened before you went on vacation.

 

In your fantasy world, you will break up with him and he will do like before, begging you not come back and saying he loves you. Except this time he will offer to make you his official girlfriend. He will realize what he's losing and come to his senses. Just like in those movies you compared your situation to a few days back. And you know you have to be firm. Girlfriend or nothing.

 

And yet a part of you is really not sure. You started this thread because you already knew that a guy who won't invite you to his house parties when he knows it hurts you not to come doesn't really love you and isn't invested in you. You know there's a big chance he'll say, "I'm going to miss you, if you change your mind..." There's a good chance he'll call your bluff.

 

So you come up with reasons why you won't break up with him JUST yet. You are about to go on vacation, you just came back from vacation, you are worried about his feelings, you are concerned about how it will look.

 

You're steeling yourself, saying I don't care what he thinks or feels (because you desperately do), and you know he's going to give you drama that's likely to draw you in. And you want the drama. Because only in the drama can you extract the promise you want so badly. That's why you won't send the letter and go NC. You hope the drama will be meaningful and produce what you want.

 

You know there's a good chance he's going to try to sweeten you back to status quo maybe even by promising to make you his girlfriend. Fine, you get to go to a couple parties, he tells one or two people you're his girlfriend while you listen, and then after a few weeks it's back to how it was. Maybe that's happened before. Maybe not, but you can steel yourself for it by declaring you don't care even if he does love--and you are going to want to say that to him--YOUR needs aren't being met.

 

You are right in insisting your needs get met. You are wrong expecting him to do it.

 

You made it clear in an earlier post that you care how this break up looks to other people. And your declarations of not caring how much he loves you puts you in a power position when you've felt so humilliated and powerless. You need the drama of him begging and crying for your ego, because even though you are breaking up with him, he really tried you out, found you wanting and rejected you. It helps if you are the one who breaks up with him and he's crying about it.

 

Hence you will never choose just to send him a letter and go no contact (including NC with his friends so you don't hear whether or not he's broken up about losing you). You need the drama, first hopefully to extract a lightbulb moment from him like guys in romantic comedies have. And if not that, then as a balm to your ego (which admittedly has taken a huge beating from this guy, and apparently from the last two guys before him).

 

You are not going to risk sending him a letter and going no contact and never hearing from him again, risking the possibility that he'll just shrug it off and move on.

 

I'm going to bet the chances are good that he will offer you the girlfriend title you so crave, and the chances are good you will gratefully grab it. If everything you've written is true and he changed since he told you he loved you and he is sincere in his feelings towards you--eventually how you got the GF title will bug him. After the honeymoon period, he will feel manipulated and resentful.

 

If he's just using you as a FWB backburner sort of person, he'll give you the title and lapse into status quo after a while, in essence calling your bluff.

 

I think there's only a small chance 30% or so that he'll hold firm and offer you a GF title. I think if he does offer you a GF title, I think there's almost no chance of you turning it down.

 

I hope you will consider counseling, you seem to have gotten yourself into a painful situation--again. There's something very sad and almost pathetic how you characterized yourself recently when someone suggested you did something to aggravate him. You said, I really doubt I'd do anything to aggravate anyone. (paraphrased).

 

You can't live to appease others. Oddly enough it doesn't please people to appease them. It's counterintuitive maybe, but true. You can only really please others by pleasing yourself and then sharing that pleasure with them.

 

In any case, best of luck to you.

[Star Gazer]

Marly, that could possibly be THE BEST analysis I have ever read on LS. I'm hoping if/when I ever have another conundrum, you're still around dishing this kind of stuff out!

 

 

The thing is, I don't believe how you characterize the relationship. I think he does still party, does still exclude you, and that you are lying when you say he stopped partying because the truth of what it means that he excludes you is too painful. I think he's still sleeping around and texting and calling other girls. I think he does keep you in the dark and want your relationship to be a secret because he doesn't want his name and reputation linked to you.

 

I think also he doesn't want to be responsible for providing all the content of your life and he looks at you as someone without a future without much to contribute except caretaking which is awful nice and he appreciates alot, but which doesn't really excite him. I find it telling that he isn't all that aggressive sexually with you, somewhat unusual for a 24 year old male with lots of sexual opportunities. I think if that's true, he's getting it elsewhere and doesn't find you sexually exciting, but you are convenient. The fact that he abandoned one sexual partner he escorted to a party to go off with another one says a lot. If he doesn't find you sexually exciting, but merely okay/acceptable, he's not going to want to commit to you exclusively. Men want exciting dynamic sexual partners.

 

You're the nice girl he took home to mother. Other women are the fun ones he prefers to invite to his house for parties. You're the nice girl he likes to relax with and pal around with. You are submissive and accommodating and don't make much fuss no matter how badly he mistreats you. If you get a hair up your hiney, he can smooth you down with a show of drama--and for the most part revert back to status quo.

 

And all the time you are sitting waiting for him, reminding yourself he lent you his car and that must mean something, he texts you twice every morning noon and night (probably takes a total of 15 minutes of his life and he can be simultaneously texting someone else--my kids text several people all at once which is how they run up 2000 texts a month apiece).

 

He says he loves you and that's enough to keep you sweet to him because of course no man ever lied about that. He weaves cheap dreams about things in the future like Colombia that will never come true because he doesn't have the money and you seize on it as proof he will commit someday soon. He wants to go out to expensive dinners and who wants to dine alone and he likes you so he takes you, and you believe this has meaning.

 

At the same time he treats you like crap, doesn't want responsibility for making you happy, but doesn't want you wandering off and finding it elsewhere--it's not so easy to find a pretty little submissive thing like you who is so easily set up. He compartments his life, and leave you out of the most important parts (except for his family, but I don't think your interaction with them is as significant as you think, mom wants him to have a nice girl, he produces you, she's happy and he doesn't have to deal with her asking to many questions about his private life).

 

He'll give you pretty much what you want, if it doesn't cost him anything (and he's not worried about spending money on you, because when he spends money on you, he's spending it on himself as well--I haven't noticed you mentioning him spending money on things that ONLY benefit you, such as jewelry or tuition). Cheap words, cheap dreams, cheap drama, mom's happy, he has pleasant back up companionship dedicated all to himself at the snap of his fingers--and he can do whatever he wants.

 

This is working well for him. Giving you the girlfriend title will mess it up. Having you at his parties will mess it up. Letting people know how much time he really spends with you will mess it up. Letting people know he's said he's loved you will mess it up.

 

I think you aren't very sure where you stand. I think your fantasy world and reality are colliding right now--because of the discussion about the parties that took place on Aug 1 and because of some of the things that happened before you went on vacation.

 

In your fantasy world, you will break up with him and he will do like before, begging you not come back and saying he loves you. Except this time he will offer to make you his official girlfriend. He will realize what he's losing and come to his senses. Just like in those movies you compared your situation to a few days back. And you know you have to be firm. Girlfriend or nothing.

 

And yet a part of you is really not sure. You started this thread because you already knew that a guy who won't invite you to his house parties when he knows it hurts you not to come doesn't really love you and isn't invested in you. You know there's a big chance he'll say, "I'm going to miss you, if you change your mind..." There's a good chance he'll call your bluff.

 

So you come up with reasons why you won't break up with him JUST yet. You are about to go on vacation, you just came back from vacation, you are worried about his feelings, you are concerned about how it will look.

 

You're steeling yourself, saying I don't care what he thinks or feels (because you desperately do), and you know he's going to give you drama that's likely to draw you in. And you want the drama. Because only in the drama can you extract the promise you want so badly. That's why you won't send the letter and go NC. You hope the drama will be meaningful and produce what you want.

 

You know there's a good chance he's going to try to sweeten you back to status quo maybe even by promising to make you his girlfriend. Fine, you get to go to a couple parties, he tells one or two people you're his girlfriend while you listen, and then after a few weeks it's back to how it was. Maybe that's happened before. Maybe not, but you can steel yourself for it by declaring you don't care even if he does love--and you are going to want to say that to him--YOUR needs aren't being met.

 

You are right in insisting your needs get met. You are wrong expecting him to do it.

 

You made it clear in an earlier post that you care how this break up looks to other people. And your declarations of not caring how much he loves you puts you in a power position when you've felt so humilliated and powerless. You need the drama of him begging and crying for your ego, because even though you are breaking up with him, he really tried you out, found you wanting and rejected you. It helps if you are the one who breaks up with him and he's crying about it.

 

Hence you will never choose just to send him a letter and go no contact (including NC with his friends so you don't hear whether or not he's broken up about losing you). You need the drama, first hopefully to extract a lightbulb moment from him like guys in romantic comedies have. And if not that, then as a balm to your ego (which admittedly has taken a huge beating from this guy, and apparently from the last two guys before him).

 

You are not going to risk sending him a letter and going no contact and never hearing from him again, risking the possibility that he'll just shrug it off and move on.

 

I'm going to bet the chances are good that he will offer you the girlfriend title you so crave, and the chances are good you will gratefully grab it. If everything you've written is true and he changed since he told you he loved you and he is sincere in his feelings towards you--eventually how you got the GF title will bug him. After the honeymoon period, he will feel manipulated and resentful.

 

If he's just using you as a FWB backburner sort of person, he'll give you the title and lapse into status quo after a while, in essence calling your bluff.

 

I think there's only a small chance 30% or so that he'll hold firm and offer you a GF title. I think if he does offer you a GF title, I think there's almost no chance of you turning it down.

 

I hope you will consider counseling, you seem to have gotten yourself into a painful situation--again. There's something very sad and almost pathetic how you characterized yourself recently when someone suggested you did something to aggravate him. You said, I really doubt I'd do anything to aggravate anyone. (paraphrased).

 

You can't live to appease others. Oddly enough it doesn't please people to appease them. It's counterintuitive maybe, but true. You can only really please others by pleasing yourself and then sharing that pleasure with them.

 

In any case, best of luck to you.